01x08 - Green Furious

[bunniefuu]

[upbeat music]

Aw, I loved Olympifury.

[glass shatters, horn honks]

Green Fury is saving people
in a burning building!

[dramatic music]

♪ ♪

[whooshing]

- Thanks.
- You'll be okay here.

Green Fury, is that
guy your new boyfriend?

Have you gained a bunch of weight

since The Olympian dumped you?

Did he dump you because
you didn't want children?

Or did he dump you because you do?

Hey! This woman just
saved an entire building,

and all you care about
is who she's dating?

Yes! Thank you!

And I don't understand why people

keep calling me Green Fury.

I mean, I understand the "Green" part,

but I literally save
people's lives for a living!

- [Jack-O-Lantern laughing evilly]
- Watch out!

- [fireball whooshes]
- [Emily grunts]

Green Fury!

You okay?

Yeah. Thanks.

Hey! I owe you one.

Oh.

If you're ever in trouble,

just push that button.

Thanks. I will.

[whooshing]

[chuckles softly]

Oh, come on.

Mm-mm. Mm-mm. Mm-mm.

You bitch.

You knew I liked her.

- Wh...
- How dare you?

No... [scoffs]

[heroic music]

♪ ♪

So you're telling me, if you
push that, Green Fury will come?

- It's what she said.
- I'll give you $10,000 for it.

It's for emergencies, Teddy.

And Green Fury just came
off dating The Olympian.

I don't know if you're her type.

- Both: Ooh!
- Okay. All right, all right.

If it's the abs things,
I been working on mine.

I watched this YouTube video
all about airbrush contouring

for this area, and
it's pretty photo-real

if I just, like, constantly
stand in front of her

at the exact same angle.

We did a dry run. I was mesmerized.

Uh-huh. Shredded! [chuckles]

I'll kick in 500 bucks if I can be there

to watch her break his heart.

Aww, thank you, Wendy. Okay,
so we're at $10,500 now.

Are you really gonna
walk away from that?

So are you walking away from that,

or are you just... walking away?

Ah, there she is!

Who's ready for her first board meeting?

- This gal!
- [laughs]

I can't believe the
board even knows who I am.

They don't! They said
if I wanted to bring

a lesser person to
make me feel important,

that I could.

Well, they'll know who I am soon.

I've got some great ideas
on the Wayne Security Poncho.

Do you want me to tell you now

or surprise you in front of the board?

Ooh, I so love surprises, but...

Listen, why don't we go
with door number three?

Hmm? You don't talk at all.

Well, if I don't talk, what do I do?

Quite a bit, actually.

If I make a funny, you make a laughy.

But, Van, this is my chance

to meet the top
executives at the company.

Okay, it is my moment to shine!

And shine you will,
Emily. Shine you will.

But dimly. Very dimly.

Can you believe Van
wants me to sit silently

in my first board meeting?

Actually, he's right.

If you want to move
ahead in this company,

you don't pitch them your ideas.

You tell the idiots in that boys club

how brilliant their ideas are.

So you want me to be a yes-man?

It works for Van.

He is the Mozart of sucking up.

Jackie, hey, send Charles a cheese log

as a congratulations for his vasectomy.

He'll get that that's
a penis joke, right?

I'll throw in some
chestnuts and a nutcracker.

[laughs] Chestnuts?

I don't get it.

He doesn't get it.

Mommy!

You better not be having any fun.

Mom!

I hate this place, and
I'm all out of tape.

Hey, next time you put
tape all over your face,

start with your mouth.

Jackie! You brought your daughter?

I love kids.

You can put anything in their pockets,

and no one ever checks.

Hey, Ruby, do you want to go shopping?

- Yeah!
- She can't.

She was suspended from school

because she hit another kid.

Dope!

So what'd the punk do to
deserve an ass-whupping?

Well, I don't know, because
Ruby refuses to tell me.

Hey, do you want to go hide
thumbtacks in Steve's sandwich?

- Cool!
- No.

Unfortunately, she's
too young to understand

that you're a cautionary tale.

You're sitting quietly by me.

- Lame!
- Lame!

[whispering] I'm sorry.

You're lame!

- Your mom is so lame.
- I know.

So we'll just toss that
money into the fake charity

we made for tax purposes,

unless anyone has any moral objections.

[laughter]

Don't laugh as loud as me.

- I'm not.
- Okay, shh.

All right, next item on the agenda

is the Wayne Security Poncho.

It is resistant to
lasers, gamma rays, fire,

and, apparently, consumers.

Oh, no!

Our sales are as low

as Charles' sperm count.

[laughs] Kink in the hose!

So we are discontinuing it.

Oh, no! The head honcho
just k*lled the poncho.

Oh! Oh!

Uh, wait a minute.

You can't just give up on the poncho.

It's a fantastic product.

Which no one is buying,
but you know who is?

This guy!

Come on. First round is on me.

Uh, no.

I would like to hear out the young lady

who just shut down our entire meeting.

[laughs]

Well, the reason it's not selling

is because it doesn't
have a cool factor.

What we really need is a spokesperson

that will make it cool by association.

Like a Kevin James.

He is the King of Queens.

I was thinking someone like a superhero.

- Oh, my.
- [laughter]

Superheroes don't do commercials.

- I can get Green Fury.
- Oh, my God.

I think maybe you
could order green curry,

but don't give any to me
because it makes me repeat.

[laughter]

[whooshing]

Did you butt-dial me,

or do I need to ruin someone's day?

Um, I'm sorry, I-I
didn't get your name.

- Van Wayne.
- It's Emily. Emily Locke.

I gave you that button for emergencies.

Well, and this is an emergency,

a work emergency,

which some people
would say is actually...

I'm not hawking your dumb poncho.

- I'm a superhero.
- Yeah. You are.

But right now, the world sees you

like this.

Damn it!

I was saving that doughnut shop.

I wasn't eating there.

No one asks The Olympian if
he's packed on a few pounds,

and I eat one lousy doughnut
and I'm on every cover.

Don't listen to them, Green.

Your body's bangin'.

- Who the hell's this d*ck?
- Well...

I'm Vanderveer Wayne,
and for the record,

I think The Olympian was
crazy to dump yo' ass.

He didn't dump me. I dumped him.

No wonder the Justice League
doesn't take me seriously

when this crap is all they see.

Well, what if we showed
them something else?

We will build a campaign

that will show the
world how strong, smart,

and capable you are.

The Justice League will
come crawling for you.

Yeah, and it doesn't matter

how many guys dump you

or how many doughnuts
you stuff in your face

to drown your sorrows.

- Van, I got this.
- All right.

Oh, what the hell?

Things can't get any worse.

I'll do it.

But if you make me
look stupid in any way,

remember that I sh**t
fire out of my hands.

Don't worry. We're gonna
make you look great.

- We're the best and brightest.
- Hey, Green Fury!

I can show you where
the secret bathroom is.

[gasps] She's looking at me!

She's looking at me!

No, she's looking at me!

- [Wendy giggles]
- Is she okay?

No.

You pressed the Green
Fury button without me?

You know I have an
unhealthy obsession with her.

Green Fury is going to
be working with us, Teddy,

so I'm gonna need you to not act weird.

Besides, she never gave
you the time of day.

Yeah, but I figured out why.

- Oh, because of reality?
- No.

It's because I wasn't rocking...

this.

- Oh.
- That looks uncomfortable.

I got it from an up-and-coming
Swedish designer named Yaast.

- So you got a Yaast infection?
- [laughs]

[laughs mockingly] Okay, you guys

have no idea what you're talking about.

I'm gonna go ask some people

who are paid to give their opinion.

- Your jacket looks stupid.
- You're stupid.

Ladies, you all look
beautiful, first off.

Thank you for coming to our focus group.

I would remind you, you are allowed

up to two slices of pizza,

but I have been known
to lose count, okay?

[laughter]

Now, let's talk Scarecrow's
gas mask, all right?

Excuse me, Ron, can I borrow
these ladies for a second?

I mean, we are in the
middle of something right...

I'll keep it moving.

What do you think about this jacket?

Uh... not a fan.

What if I told you this jacket

is a Yaast?

Which way do I turn the
dial if I hate something?

Oh, to the left, but
I want to remind you

he is not a part of this...

Looks like the kind of thing

someone I don't like would wear.

I understand that,

but perhaps we can focus on this mask.

I feel like he gives
off a judgy type of vibe.

- Oh, I do?
- Yeah.

Like he thinks he's
better than everybody else.

- Okay, you know what?
- I've felt that before.

This is not about me.

This is about a very cool jacket

that your simple minds
can't comprehend, so...

- Oh, okay.
- [Teddy blows raspberry]

Oh, um, ladies, I do want
to apologize for my friend,

and I'm gonna go ahead and
remove that two-slice limit.

It's a pizza party, y'all!

- Whimsical zipper.
- It looks stupid.

You look stupid.

Did he just call you stupid?

I mean what I say. I mean what I say.

Stupids.

- Okay, um, Teddy?
- Yeah?

You are testing terribly
with women age 18 to 49.

[indistinct shouting]

The dust from the rubble clears

as Green Fury surveys the survivors.

She says,

"You don't need a cape to be super.

You just need a Wayne Security Poncho."

- Ooh.
- They put on the poncho

and follow her into a burning building,

now completely protected.

expl*si*n, expl*si*n, expl*si*n,

and... fade out.

[quirky music]

That was...

♪ ♪

- Terr...
- Fantastic.

Fantastic.

Fantastic! [laughs]

You took the words
right out of my mouth.

Emily, this is impressive.

You're gonna go very
far at this company...

as long as you're not Facebook
friends with any of our wives.

[laughs]

I don't have a wife,

unless you count marriages in Mexico.

No comprende.

- No.
- No comprende.

I fit in.

[dramatic music]

Well, Superman, you may
be the Man of Steel...

unless I steal your manhood!

- [saw whirring]
- [both laughing maniacally]

[saw powers down]

both: Oh!

- We were emasculating Superman!
- Yeah.

Go sit at my desk.

Fine.

Not you, dummy.

Ruby.

Oh.

Bye!

You're mean.

Oh, my gosh. Ruby is so awesome.

She gives the best advice, like,

"Sometimes a cloud makes you happy.

Sometimes a cloud makes you sad."

It's like, how does she know?

I'm gonna shut down this friendship

before Ruby also starts dressing
like a sexually active grandma.

- Oh! Thank you.
- She's not here to play.

She's being punished
for punching another kid.

Oh, Miles totally had it coming.

She had a good reason.

Wait, she told you why she punched him?

Yeah... but I can't say anything.

She made me pinkie swear.

- Tell me.
- I'm sorry, Jackie.

We pinkie sweared.

[whispering] We pinkie sweared.

♪ ♪

Emily, hi, you're a
single heterosexual female

between the ages of 24 and 35, right?

Or is this Green Fury
thing more than just

a little experimentation?

We're just friends.

Okay, well, congratulations.

You've been selected
to take a short survey.

"How sexually desirable
do you find Teddy

on a scale from one to ten?"

Teddy, I don't have time for this.

I am on a rocket ship to
the top of this company.

Okay, so, like, 8 1/2?

Let's call it a nine.
Keep the math easy.

Look, Ron, you saw how
I tested with women.

How am I gonna win over Green Fury

if I can't charm a focus group?

I'm not sure you
should put so much stock

in a group of people we found at a mall

eating Sbarro's at 10:00 a.m.

I mean, who eats a breakfast calzone?

[chuckles]

Plus, I mean, I think you're great.

Yeah, but I've always tested well

with black males ages 25 to 44.

You're talking about me
and Dan in accounting.

Yeah.

- Looking good, Dan!
- Great.

I mean, we really should
hire more black people.

I can't believe
we're actually here.

Oh, is that jerky? That's jerky.

It's the big day, Emily!

Are you ready to paint your "Mona Lisa"?

Yeah! [laughs]

I am so exci... ted.

What is that car for? Ooh.

Did they not show you the latest?

Mm-mm.

It's basically... It's your idea.

Green Fury is fighting villains.

It's just now some of
her clothes get burnt off

because, you know, the fire.

So she's a little naked.

- Wait, what?
- You don't expect that, right?

- No.
- And now

her car's dirty from the battle.

She's got to get it
clean, so it's sexy, sudsy.

- Where is the poncho?
- At the end.

Green Fury rises heroically
out of the hot tub,

she's wearing nothing
but bubbles and a smile,

and she says, "I feel naked

without my Wayne Security Poncho."

Huh!

It's kind of a thinker,

but let's not
underestimate the audience.

Emily, I need to use your purse

to store this jerky.

Look, this isn't the
campaign I came up with.

Look at her, being so modest.

Emily, this is all you.

Marketing just made some tweaks.

It needed tweaks.

You know, I've been telling
her that since day one. Jerky?

I would. It's just the aspirin.

Anyway, Emily, congratulations.

You're really making a name
for yourself with the board.

Oh, my God, Green Fury
is going to be so pissed.

This is the opposite of everything...

Just take the jerky purse!

She's never gonna do
this. It's offensive!

It's like the old saying goes:

"If you want to make an omelet,

you have to compromise
all of your principles."

This isn't how I wanted to succeed.

Well, then it will be how you fail.

Yes. Because it was your
idea, everyone will blame you.

Okay, Emily. I'm here.

What are we doing?

That is an excellent question.

Emily, what are we doing?

[sighs]

I'm so done with "Game of Thrones."

I mean, the nudity is just gratuitous.

It's not even, like,
sensual composition.

I mean, the fact that
it's the same network

that gave Lena Dunham a platform

is just confounding to me, you know?

All bodies are good bodies.

Yeah.

What are you talking about?

You love "Game of Thrones."

I mean, you uploaded a
super cut of all the nudity

and called it a "thigh-light reel"...

which was very clever.

I crunched the numbers from the surveys,

and I found the perfect
persona to ask out Green Fury.

I am now a tough but
sensitive woke feminist

who was raised by a single parent

after his mother was k*lled
trying to save Christmas.

Okay, well, buddy, I was with you

the last time you tried
to pick up Green Fury,

and I don't think it's in the cards.

Emily!

Where's Emily?

Showtime.

Right after I apply some guy-liner.

Oh, you done lost yo' damn mind.

Oh, and don't forget,

Ruby's allergic to cats.

Also, her bedtime is 8:30,

although that's really up to you now,

and here is her birth certificate.

By the way, the father is not unknown.

I was just pissed at him that day.

- Um, what are you doing?
- Oh, I'm sorry.

I thought that you wanted
to be Ruby's mother now

because she tells you all her secrets

and she wants nothing to do with me.

I can't take your kid!

My apartment is not zoned
for human habitation.

Why did she tell you
why she hit that kid?

I gave her life.

You make ramen with hot water
from the bathroom faucet.

Jackie, she has her reasons.
You just have to trust me.

I don't. You're a barely
functioning human being

who has the same backpack
as a seven-year-old.

Ruby is literally the only
thing that I care about,

and I want to make sure
she doesn't end up like you.

Stop!

I hit Miles

because he called you a garbage lady

who can't keep a husband.

I didn't tell you because I thought

it would hurt your feelings.

[soft music]

♪ ♪

That's okay.

You can always tell me anything.

Um, except when you pinkie swear!

What the hell, Ruby?

Best friends forever!

I gave her a locket!

And if you think about it,
you're not really naked.

You're just saying you feel naked

without your Wayne Security Poncho.

- So I'm not actually naked?
- No, you're definitely naked.

But it's a great example
of sex-positive feminism.

Hey, Emily, the patriarchy called.

They want their rationale back.

[chuckles] Green?

No one told me you'd be here.

It's me, Theo.

Remember? Theo?

What happened to you?

I'm woke now, yeah, so, um,

what about we go after this is done

and we get some green smoothies,

um, but, like, what do you
think about that, like...

Um, I think that this is a lot.

All right, buddy. Come on.

I'm gonna get that smoothie with you.

Right after we hose off that guy-liner.

- Coexist.
- No, no, no, no, no, no.

Look, Emily. I trust you.

If you really think

that I should do this commercial,

I'll do it.

No. Because it's terrible.

I'm glad you think so,
because I was not gonna do it.

Oh. Okay, so we're agreed.

I don't care what
this does to my career,

but I am pulling the plug on this thing.

Wait. Just a second.

I like that fire, but if I quit now,

then the headlines will read,

"Bitter green diva walks off set."

Well, at least it won't be

about The Olympian breaking your heart.

Not sure that he would mind.

Pretty sure it's him leaking
all that garbage to the press.

All that guy cares
about is being famous.

Really?

What do you think he's doing right now?

Hey. Real quick.

Did I mention that my
mom d*ed saving Christmas?

- Okay. I'll see you later.
- Bye, Theo.

Then after you're done washing the car,

- you get into the hot tub...
- Hang on. Hang on.

So you're saying I'm
naked the whole time?

Well, it depends on what you mean by...

Naked the whole time.
Everybody sees everything.

Ass. Pecs. The whole enchilada.

- I'm in.
- Boom! He's in! Grease him up.

- Including the enchilada.
- Emily.

I just heard about this
thing with The Olympian.

So did I, and I think it is...

- Yeah, I think...
- It is a very sh...

- It's great!
- Great!

- Great.
- Yeah.

You're really going places, Emily.

Yes, we are.

Hey, Green. You got dinner plans later?

With you? No.

But call me around 11:00.
We'll knock one out.

All right.

[sultry music]

♪ ♪

You look a little cold.

The Wayne Security Poncho.

It's hot.

♪ ♪

Don't get caught naked without one.

Wayne Security Poncho
does not protect

against magic or rain.

- So what do you ladies think?
- Love it.

Definitely makes me want to buy one.

I still don't like that guy next to you.

Okay, it's not about me.

Okay, well, you guys are free to go now.

Don't forget your Burrito Gigante coupon

for $10 off any
purchase of $150 or more.

[both laugh]

I should've listened to you.

I mean, I know have a reputation
of being a bit of a Lothario.

- No, no one says that.
- Debatable.

But the truth is, I'm
kind of in a slump.

Well, buddy, you're
never gonna get out of it

by becoming some type
of Frankenstein monster

of testing results.

You're right.

You know, I just gotta be me.

Mm.

Cool jacket.

Is that Yaast?

Why, Yaast, it is.

- [laughs]
- It's still stupid.

Okay, you're stupider.

Not you.

She's the stupid one.

- Having some bathroom ramen?
- Maybe.

[sighs]

I'm sorry that I said that you were

a barely functioning human being.

Just gonna keep on slurping.

I'm the only one looking out for Ruby,

and I never know if
I'm doing a good job.

Well, you are. Ruby's really awesome.

Thanks.

And it wouldn't be the
worst thing in the world

- if she ended up like you.
- Oh.

It would be really, really bad

but not the worst.

Thank you?

Hey! Check it out.

The Olympian's sharing
his bedroom secrets.

What, that he couldn't get it up

unless I wore his helmet
and called him Dark Side?

That is disturbing.

Well, on the upside, they
covered the bank robbery

I thwarted yesterday.

See, the campaign worked.

Everybody's taking you seriously.

Yeah, I got a call
from the Justice League.

Europe, but still.

Definitely one of the
top five Justice Leagues.

It's not.

Well, it looks like

we all got what we wanted.

And the best part about it is,

we didn't have to compromise
who we are as women.

You know, if there's one
thing I've learned, th...

[whooshing]

Hey! Hey!

No, wait, I'm trying
to explain feminism!

When a man is talking, you listen...

God, she's coming back!

Whoa!