04x06 - I Never Promised You a Promised Land

[bunniefuu]

♪ ♪

(CAR HORN HONKS)

Ha-ha-ha!

(LAUGHING)

Oh, my God.

This is the house?

Yeah, right?

Hi, this is Lifestyles
of the Rich and Famous.

(LAUGHING)

- Hi.
- You okay?

- Yeah.
- How was it?

SARAH: I don't know why I just
patted you a hundred times.

- Hi. So, are you okay?
- How are you?

ALI: Hi. Good, you're here.

Gramps is a baller.

Of course.

- Hi.
- Wow, are you kidding me?

It's like Daddy f*ckin' Warbucks here.

Are you okay?

- My father lives in this house?
- Yeah.

Hi, it was long, but thank
God we were in business class.

- How was the flight?
- You okay?

I'm okay...

MOSHE: Here we are,

the Los Angeles Pfeffermans.

- (CHUCKLES) Welcome, welcome.
- Wait, everyone, everyone,

this is my father, and this is...

- Bryna.
- No, I'm not Bryna.

- No, not Bryna.
- This is Shelly,

this is my ex-wife, and then...

and this is Bryna,
this is your daughter.

- Uh-huh.
- This is your daughter.

I'm Bryna.

(MUTTERING): Hi...

(CRYING)

I'm really terribly sorry.

BRYNA (SOBBING): Me, too.

(LAUGHING)

Wait...

why am I apologizing?

MOSHE: Doesn't matter,

- I accept.
- (LAUGHING)

So, who's who?

Um, I'm, hi, I'm Sarah.

- (CHUCKLES) I'm, uh, the oldest.
- Ah.

You have your grandmother's eyes.

- I do?
- Mmm.

(LAUGHING): Yeah, I do!

- Welcome.
- I'm Len, husband.

Honorable profession.

- Hi.
- This is Joshua.

- I'm Josh.
- Ah! A boy.

We only have girls in the
family. Congratulations.

- (LAUGHING)
- Girls are good.

Yeah.

- Hi.
- Welcome.

- Thanks.
- Come, we'll eat, we'll eat.

- Oh.
- The rest of the Pfeffermans

are late, as usual.

SARAH: The rest of them? But I think,

I think we're all here, right?

JOSH: Um, I think he means
the other Pfeffermans.

- SHELLY: What?
- There's other Pfeffermans.

SHELLY: We're meeting them now? Today?

- You okay?
- MAURA: The Israel Pfeffermans.

You all right?

Don't abandon me in there.

- I'm not going to abandon you.
- Okay.

LEN: A lovely home.

♪ ♪

ALI: I'm telling you, it's incredible.

My mind is blown. Blown.

- I want to go to Ramallah.
- We can go.

- I'll go, let's go.
- JOSH: Yeah, but it's not safe

to walk around the West
Bank with these bobbleheads.

That's bullshit. That's
what they want you to think.

JOSH: Who's they? Who
wants me to think that?

The U.S. media, the Israeli
government, everybody,

- it's propaganda.
- You guys,

- Mom is talking to herself.
- Yeah, bunch of olives.

- Yeah, it's very Mediterranean.
- JOSH: Oh, yeah.

- You're kidding.
- No, welcome to my world.

- That's the thing.
- What do you mean?

She talks to herself while she eats.

- You mean that's a thing?
- Seriously?

- It's a whole situation.
- Really good.

Could have a little more. This is good.

I like this. This is very good.

WOMAN: Hi!

MOSHE: Ah. You're here.

Late again.

MOSHE: Always late. Why
are you late this time?

JOSH: Wow, so those are
Moppa and Bryna's sisters?

Sorry, Oded took a
shortcut, I'm so sorry.

It's always my fault.

ALI: They're so young.
They look like us.

SARAH: They do look like us.

- They look like better versions of us.
- JOSH: Wow.

What are their names again?

SARAH: Shira and Ronit.

(INDISTINCT CONVERSATIONS)

All right, here we go.

Showtime.

There's two girls and a guy?

Everybody, I want you to
meet my beautiful girls.

- Huh? Team
one.

- Hi.
- Hi.

- Hi, I'm Josh.
- Come and meet team two. (LAUGHS)

- You are?
- I'm Bryna.

- Bryna, hi.
- Hi.

- I'm Ronit.
- Hello.

(LAUGHS)

RONIT: You're my sister! Oh, my God!

- SHIRA: Oh, and you are?
- Ali.

- Ali, oh, hi, I'm Shira, nice to meet you.
- Hi.

- Hi.
- I'm Josh.

- Hi, Josh.
- Are you ready?

- You look like us.
- I know,

- it's like looking into a mirror.
- Yeah.

It's not weird. Nothing weird about it.

- This is Maura.
- Hello.

I'm Maura.

- You are very beautiful.
- How are you?

You're so beautiful yourself.

- Can I hug you?
- Of course, yes.

(LAUGHING): Oh, my God.

Hello.

- SHIRA: Hi, and you're Maura?
- Maura.

- I'm Shira. So nice to meet you.
- Hello, Shira, nice to meet you.

(SPEAKS HEBREW)

- You talking about me?
- Yeah.

We're just saying you
look exactly like a...

- A cousin.
- A cousin of ours.

- I am your cousin.
- No, it's half.

- No, not cousins.
- It's just 'cause they look so young.

But they're... you are all sisters.

- Those are your sisters.
- You're right, they're our aunts.

SARAH AND ALI: They're our aunts.

The children of your parents are aunts.

I have no idea what she's saying.

- They're our aunts.
- Yeah, she's my aunt.

- That's right, it's true, okay.
- Yes.

- Don't hit on your aunt.
- You don't hit on our aunt.

- No, you don't hit on our aunt.
- Nobody can have sex

with any of those people here.

Let's just, like, lay down the rules.

- SARAH: He gets into everything, so don't go too close.
- Me?

RONIT: So you all live
in Central Los Angeles?

JOSH: We're kind of all over.

Mom and I are on the east
side in Silver Lake right now.

Oh, you live with your mom?

- That's good. Good boy.
- He is a good boy.

- ALI: I must be the bad girl.
- (ODED SPEAKS HEBREW)

ODED: They say in Hebrew,

you only have one mother.

- We have more than one.
- We kind of have

- more than one.
- We have two.

ODED: Oh, no. Oh, yeah,
that's right. I'm so sorry.

Okay, when you're a Pfefferman
you can have whatever you want.

(LAUGHS)

(OVERLAPPING CHATTER)

So wonderful.

So, what do you all do for a living?

Um, I'm in the music business.

Als is in grad school.

ODED: Oh.

I'm also teaching a little.
What are you studying?

It's in a gender studies program,

but I think I'm heading
toward a transition,

- so who knows?
- LEN: You know, Sarah is in the process of...

I actually have a blog.

Well, I'm working in
many platforms, actually.

I'm actually writing a book.

- What?
- What?!

- Wow.
- ALI (LAUGHING): You are?

- SHELLY: Since when?

- ALI: About what?
- JOSH: About what?

Um... I'm a... (STAMMERS)

I'm a parenting expert.

- You are?
- You are?

Oh, I could have used you.

- ALI: When did that happen?
- SARAH: It's new.

And it works.

What's your technique? What do you do?

Um, it's basically child...

leading child-rearing philosophy.

It's called "Kids on Top."

- Allowing the kid to lead.
- Kids on Top.

Kids on Top?

(ODED SPEAKING HEBREW)

What's he saying?

(RELATIVES SPEAKING IN HEBREW)

(LAUGHTER)

SARAH: What is funny? I'm just curious.

RONIT: No, it's just,

we don't understand why you would want

your kids to, uh, to have the control.

- To, um...
- It... it's hard to explain.

That's why I'm writing a book.

- (SPEAKING HEBREW)
- Good. Good.

Shira is very high in
the Ministry of Finance.

I mean... very high.

- Hmm?
- SHIRA: Mm-hmm.

And that one is a microbiologist.

SARAH: Really? She looks like that

and she's a microbiologist.

- A genius in the field.
- No, I'm not a genius. Trust me.

He just let me play with
bugs when I was little.

ODED: I think you are a
genius. You're my genius.

- (SPEAKS HEBREW)
- (LAUGHTER)

There's another genius
in the family, Moshe.

- Would you pass me a meat stick, please?
- And that's Maura.

She wants the lamb. The lamb stick.

- The meat thing.
- Maura, why don't you tell them

about that intersectionality thing

that you put together
without any funding

from that shtick drek university?

(LAUGHS)

- We're good.
- She's a genius.

Just saying.

Uh-huh. Uh-huh.

Those are lovely earrings.

Thank you.

ALI: The food is really good. Thank you.

- SARAH: It's so delicious.
- JOSH: So good.

I found this in Mom's things.

I don't know why I brought it.

Is this you two and Abba?

It's so... Where was it sh*t?

Our house.

Yeah.

MAURA: That was the year he left us.

He was just a kid, wasn't he?

Yeah, just a kid.

What are you looking at?

Abbaleh, you didn't tell
us you were so handsome.

MOSHE: What?

(CHUCKLES)

Son of a bitch.

♪ ♪

SARAH: Oh, yeah, oh, f*ck yes.

Oh, yeah, touch yourself right there.

Yes, yeah, touch yourself.
Oh, my God, yes, please.

- Wait, pull her hair.
- What? Wait.

Oh, God. Oh, those
freckles, those freckles.

- Pull her hair.
- LEN: Move your head. I can't see her.

She wants you to pull my hair.

You can't hear her 'cause
you're f*cking talking.

- You're talking.
- You're talk... pull my hair!

- Move your head, Move your head.
- Wait, I can't, now I can't see.

- Oh, my God, beautiful.
- So f*cking hot.

Oh, yes, yes.

- Oh, f*ck yeah.
- Oh, f*ck, damn it!

- Oh, did it freeze?
- We lost the Wi-Fi.

SARAH: Oh, my God, honey. Lila. Lila!

The Wi-Fi in Israel sucks!

Oh, please keep going. Keep going.

- Get it back. Get it back.
- Lila, come on, come on.

- (MOANING)
- LEN: Oh, there she is!

Yes, oh, f*ck, yes.

(MOANING) Oh, I'm coming.

Oh, she's coming. We're co...

- we're coming, too.
- We're not supposed to.

(ALL MOANING)

f*ck, we're coming.

f*ck, we're coming so hard.

(GRUNTING)

(WHISPERING): Joshy.

Gator.

Are you sleeping?

Yeah.

I'm talking to you
in my sleep right now.

- Remember when we used to do that?
- Mm-hmm.

(GROANS)

It's so crazy complicated here.

You mean, with Moshe?

I don't know, everything.

Israel.

This place.

(EXHALES) Borders.

The occupation.

It is so intense.

Do you know what I mean?

What are you thinking
about? Why are you still up?

I don't know.

(SIGHS)

♪ Die, die, die, your lips a big lie ♪

♪ You lie all the time,
but you still get by ♪

♪ You bite your tongue,
but you don't comply ♪

♪ You drive that truck,
but you're still let by ♪

♪ Shut that trap, your drivel is dry ♪

♪ Drop, drop, drop,
your lips a big lie. ♪

MOSHE: Listen up, everybody,

this part of the ride is almost over.

We get to view the Mount of Olives,

and then, the Wall, Jerusalem.

Everybody, watch your
backs in the Old City.

- Sorry, but who are you, again?
- Who am I?

- Yeah.
- I'm your only chance to survive

if a big Arab with a big
Kn*fe tries to k*ll you,

- that's who I am.
- Got it. Now I know who you are.

He's my number one security man.

ALI: Okay. Thank you.

MOSHE: Tonight we will have a sleepover

with some real Bedouins.

And then the Dead Sea.

And Tapuz is on the way.

What? Tap... tapas?

- Tapuz.
- Is that a historic site?

No, no, Mom, it's just this small town.

Our friend's mom lives there,

we just have to drop something
off, it'll take two secs.

- Five, five minutes.
- You know, Tapuz

was my first job at the HVAC, huh?

Nobody could understand
how you could air-condition

the whole desert.

If somebody offers you a chance

to invest in a brand-new
country, you grab it.

ALI: It's not like it was
just virgin land sitting there.

The Palestinians had
been here for years.

NITZAN: You know...

(GRUNTS) Palestinians, it's...

it's a made-up word.

When my grandfather
came to this country,

there were no Palestinians here.

You know? Zero. There were Arabs.

And Jews. No Palestinians.

So, I'm... Are you saying
Palestinians aren't real?

I don't understand.

I'm... I'm saying it's, like, you know...

- It's politics, but...
- Is that because

if they're just Arabs, then
they don't actually have a claim

to this land? They could go...

They could go anywhere,
right? They could go to Jordan

and Saudi Arabia, Egypt.

(SPEAKING HEBREW)

- What was that?
- No, I said, uh,

you are very, you know,
much into politics.

Seems like it's about
human rights to me.

MAURA: Hey, guys?

Maybe this is a little too complicated

for a bus ride, you know?

The Arabs and Jews.

Just blacks and whites, men and women.

f*cking binary. Everywhere you look,

screwing things up.

SHELLY: I don't know
that it's so complicated.

I mean, the Holocaust happened.

And they wanted to k*ll

- all of us.
- We needed somewhere to go.

We couldn't just hang around Poland.

One oppression does not
justify another, okay?

We did not need to make
the Palestinians unsafe

so that the Jews could feel safe.

- That's crazy logic.
- MAURA: You know, there were Jews

in Palestine way before the Holocaust.

You know that, right?

They came here to escape

the pogroms that were all over Europe.

I mean, this was... this was home.

This was safe. This was a homeland.

Why don't we just get
all the people out,

drop a b*mb on all the buildings,

just start the whole thing
over. And there's nothing

- to fight about anymore.
- It's not about the buildings.

It's about the land.

Oh, my God. Could you
guys... Let's just stop.

- Okay? Come on.
- Okay.

Let's just, like, enjoy the ride.

Enough with the politics.

- Can I use your USB?
- Yeah, you can plug it

- over here.
- Thank you. Here.

♪ What's the buzz? Tell
me what's a-happening ♪

♪ What's the buzz? ♪

♪ Tell me what's a-happening ♪
♪ What's the buzz? ♪

♪ Tell me what's a-happening ♪

♪ What's the buzz? Tell
me what's a-happening ♪

♪ What's the buzz? Tell
me what's a-happening ♪

♪ What's the buzz? Tell
me what's a-happening ♪

♪ What's the buzz? ♪

♪ Tell me what's a-happening ♪
♪ What's the buzz? ♪

♪ Tell me what's a-happening ♪
♪ What's the buzz? ♪

♪ Tell me what's a-happening ♪
♪ What's the buzz? ♪

♪ Tell me what's a-happening ♪

♪ When do we ride into Jerusalem? ♪

♪ When do we ride into Jerusalem? ♪

♪ When do we ride into Jerusalem? ♪

♪ When do we ♪

♪ Ride into Jerusalem? ♪

♪ When do we ride into Jerusalem? ♪

♪ When do we ride into Jerusalem? ♪

♪ Why should you want to know? ♪

♪ Why are you obsessed with fighting? ♪

Oh, my God.

- ♪ Times and fates you can't defy ♪
- ALI: Very loud.

(LAUGHS)

- There she blows.
- Is that it?

It's beautiful.

♪ You'd understand
it less than I would ♪

Oh, my God.

That's Jerusalem.

♪ Tell me what's a-happening ♪
♪ What's the buzz? ♪

- ♪ Tell me what's a-happening ♪
- Birthplace of the entire world.

♪ Mary, ooh, that is good ♪

♪ While you prattled
through your supper ♪

♪ Where and when and who and how ♪

♪ She alone has tried to give me ♪

♪ What I need right here and now ♪

♪ What's the buzz? Tell
me what's a-happening ♪

♪ What's the buzz? Tell
me what's a-happening ♪

♪ When do we ride into Jerusalem? ♪

♪ When do we ride into Jerusalem? ♪

♪ When do we ride into Jerusalem? ♪

- (LOUD POPPING)
- (SHOUTS) - Hey, hey.

Hey, hey, hey, get out of here.

(INDISTINCT CHATTER)

NITZAN: Stay together, please, okay?

Why do we have to stay together?

- Can we haggle?
- Yes.

Whatever they tell you, half.

(OVERLAPPING CHATTER)

SHELLY: What's he doing?

(OVERLAPPING CHATTER)

JOSH: Why are we not buying?

MOSHE: No, we're just
looking and handling.

- We're not buying.
- Why?

- What is this?
- It's a tagine, I think.

I think you cook in it.

How do you know what a tagine is?

- Because I read about it somewhere.
- Interesting, huh?

JOSH: Why is everybody
touching the food?

MOSHE: All different kinds.

That's what everybody's
doing, everyone is, like,

feeling up the spices.

Please don't buy those,
please don't buy those,

please don't buy those.

Beautiful. Could I take a picture?

You a little bit want that.

- No, this is you.
- Yes, you do. No.

- This is you.
- That's, that's all you.

JOSH: I feel like we're
in Venice Beach right now.

MOSHE: Everybody stay
together. This is a very

- important place here.
- BRYNA: The Via Dolorosa,

- the Street of Sorrow.
- Does anybody know what that is?

The path that Jesus followed
to get to the crucifixion.

MOSHE: Very good. Come
along, everybody, move along.

- It's a very important area here.
- Look at this, guys.

- SHELLY: What is that?
- NITZAN: That's, uh,

the hand of Jesus.

- What?
- MOSHE: It's Jesus on his way

to his crucifixion, rested here

and his hand touched the wall.

LEN: What I don't get is,
if Jesus was the son of God,

then why did he just
grow up to be a carpenter?

It's very moving.

Harrison Ford was a carpenter.

JOSH: I don't get how she's a virgin.

- Like, was, was Joseph, like, did he have E.D.?
- "E.D."?

- Erectile dysfunction.
- (LAUGHS)

I mean, I just never married,
it doesn't make sense.

SARAH (FADING OUT):
Nobody said they had sex...

God put the baby in her.

JOSH: Oh, yeah, well, that makes sense.

That, that makes sense.

Jesus Christ, it's like a...
Orthodox Jewish Disneyland.

Well, everybody, stay together.

- JOSH: No can do, Mom.
- Men on one side,

women on the other.

And the men have about
three times as much

- of the wall space, huh?
- JOSH: Len.

- You want to wail at this wall with me?
- You know it.

I'm pretty great at
wailing. Have fun, honey.

Get your groove on.

SHELLY: Be a good boy, Joshy.

SARAH: All right, I
want to get my prayer on.

Does anyone got any paper?

- Yeah. I got...
- I got... oh, I have paper.

(INDISTINCT PRAYING)

- Up?
- Yeah.

It's f*cking bullshit, this divide.

Yeah, but it's tradition.

(CHEERING)

(RHYTHMIC CLAPPING, SINGING)

(LAUGHTER)

(CHILDREN LAUGHING)

♪ ♪

♪ ♪