04x09 - They is on the Way

[bunniefuu]

Are you the person of the Honda Civic?

You have me completely pinned in.

Y... uh, yeah. Yeah, that's mine.

I had meetings scheduled,
do you understand?

Now I will have to reschedule them.

I'm sorry. I just...

um... I was gonna move it,

but I fell asleep. Let me just
get my shoes and I'll move it.

I'm under a great deal
of stress as it is.

I don't need any more provocation.

I really, really don't.

If this keeps up,

I might as well start chain-smoking.

My wife and, uh, kids have been...

irrevocably detained in Munich.

Um... it's an issue

with the immigration and, uh...

I'm lying.

She left me.

She hasn't been so much detained

as she is just not
coming back to America.

Neither are the kids.

I'm, uh...

I'm no longer a... I'm
no longer a family man.

I'm just a man.

Have you ever been to Germany?

No. Mm-mm, I haven't.

They are miserable people.

They only have one facial expression.

It's kind of like a gassy scowl.

Just pervasive.

Mm-hmm.

- See, here's the thing.
- Mm-hmm.

As per the Airbnb contract,

- no one else is really supposed to be here.
- Yeah.

This is my dominion.
These are my auspices.

The entirety of the grounds...

are my purview.

Am I making myself clear?

Yes, very. Crystal.

- Don't you think?
- Yes.

And I guess, I really am,
when it comes down to it,

I'm just...

You know, I guess I'm
concerned about your safety.

Oh...

All those pool parties you're throwing

till the wee, wee hours
of the morning and stuff.

And here I am upstairs, just by myself,

in my big, empty, vast chasm.

And I don't want anything,
uh, to happen to you or yours

when you're having your little, um...

hootenannies.

And I tell you what,

I think there's something
I can do for you.

- Yes, what is that?
- Well, let me check on that door up there.

That's a good idea. Check on the door.

- Let me see what's going on up there.
- That's a great idea.

Thank you for... checking on the door.

We're good to go.

All secure.

Oh, that's great. Well, thank
you very much for dropping by.

And, um, I've heard everything
that you have to say,

and, uh, I appreciate your visit.

Well, let me know if you need anything.

Or if your friends need anything.

I'm only a scream away.

All right? It's gonna
be a beautiful day.

I'm gonna get out there in it.

Hey, girl, it's me.

I really need to talk to
you about your Airbnb-er.

He barged into my room,

and he, um, started talking
about his wife and his kids,

and he went on this really
strange monologue about Germany

and it was very
strange.

So, um...

if you could give me a call back,

I'd, uh, I'd...

Holy sh*t. I just realized
who he reminds me of:

John Wayne Gacy.

Do you want some of this gray stuff

or some of this gray stuff?

Thank you.

Shalom.

This is good.

Well, I don't want to go
in the Dead Sea without Ali.

Ooh, didn't think of that.

- Are you texting her now?
- Yeah.

Kind of looks like...

I can't get any bars.

T'Chelet.

T'Chelet.

Resort and Spa.

Resort and Spa.

Ah, there's no bars again.

You make a figure eight.

If you do that,

it increases the reception.

- Holy crap.
- Can you do this?

- It's terrible.
- Can you try to text?

Did you turn the brightness
down and turn your Bluetooth off?

- Oh, turn off Maps. Turn off Maps
- Well, now

- it's not gonna work.
- I'm closing literally

every application that she's ever opened

- since she bought the phone.
- No, no, no.

- I swear to God.
- Hello, excuse me.

- Don't wipe.
- Yes, yes, it's fine.

- No, n-n-no, it's fine.
- He's not erasing.

- We're just...
- No, no.

Moppa...

- We're closing applications.
- I am reading.

- You don't need to have ten applications.
- I'm reading.

You can go back to where you were.

- You can go right back.
- Swipe it, swipe it, swipe it.

I got it, I'm do... I
already, I already did it.

And then go into settings.

Don't erase the Kindle thing.
Wait, so what's the rule here?

We're not erasing anything.

You eat, like, a giant
plate of food and then

not wait minutes before
you get in the water?

Yeah, you don't have to wait minutes,

because you're gonna float.

You have to wait
minutes because you get

a cramp, you double
over, you go facedown.

You'll drown. But in
saltwater, you just float.

- So you don't have to wait minutes.
- That's not true.

That whole thing was a myth
about letting your food digest

so that you won't get a cramp.

- What?
- It has nothing to do

with how you digest food,

whether or not you're in the water,

those are two different
functions of your body.

Let's go float.

So we're going without Ali? Here we go.

Okay. Come on, kids, let's go.

Take your trays.

Up and at 'em, come on.

That mountaintop...
that's sea level, see that?

Right up there.

Is that Jordan?

Yeah, that is, that's Jordan.

It's so old.

Had enough to eat, everybody?

- Yeah.
- Delicious.

- Oh, yeah, really good.
- Thank you.

You'd better get into the water.

It'll fix your skin,
joints, warts, what have you.

- Really?
- Yeah, just leave everything here.

I'll guard your belongings.

Okay.

Aah.

f*ck!

It's like shards of glass.

Watch your tootsies.

Watch yourself.

- Ah, oh...
- Ow.

- I told you.
- That is... ow.

I think I just sliced

- off a corn.
- I think...

I think I know why they
call it the Dead Sea.

You slip, you fall, you die.

Wait up, wait up.

It's kind of sharp.

Come in.

Thank you.

Look, um, I need to talk
to you about something.

When I told you that

I would just be happy
watching TV at home,

you know that's not true, right?

I used to do that all the time.

It sucked.

I wasn't happy, and you weren't happy.

We were just doing the same thing

over and over.

The same... everything.

Same sex.

Same-sex marriage.

It was a same-sex marriage.

- You got to put that in your book.
- Right?

Oh, my God.

I feel like you should know,

when we split up...

I slept with a lot of people.

Like, I made it through

almost all of the As on Tinder.

- That's disgusting.
- There was a lot of people, yeah.

Like, four Ambers.

Ew.

Three Andreas.

I think Tinder is so dehumanizing.

I know. That's the best part.

- Oh, my God.
- I'm not trying to gross you out.

I'm just saying that
I was a sex fiend, too.

Not just you.

And I wanted more.

Thank you for saying all that.

What about Lila?

I think that right now...

it should just be me and you.

But we got to, like, commit hard

to keeping it, like, weird and hot.

And fun.

And just us.

So no more Lila.

I could still let you
boss me and my d*ck around.

Okay. You have to wash
my car once a week.

- Oh, come on.
- I got to think about it.

- f*ck you.
- I'm thinking.

Okay, I will.

Look at him there.

Asleep on a lawn chair.

- You know what?
- What?

We may have been bad mothers,
but we f*cking stayed.

- Yes, we did.
- We did.

We stayed.

Where's Mom?

Oh, f*ck, my mom's afraid of the water.

- She's afraid of everything.
- Mom!

Come on! Come out.

I'm fine, honey.

Come on, Shell.

It's safe.

You'll float.

Mom, come on.

We need you out here!

My cat had the same look
right before it crawled

under a bush and d*ed.

I'm gonna go get her.

Mom, it's like a waterbed.

You stay floating.

I haven't ever slept on a waterbed.

You can do this, you just got to relax.

- No, I...
- Mom, you got to relax, okay?

You're gonna float, I swear to God.

It's full of salt, Mom.

Put your arm onto me, come on.

I'm not gonna let go of you.

- I'm gonna take you the whole way, okay?
- Mm-hmm.

- You have to trust me. Okay.
- Okay.

Here we go.

All right.

It's okay, it's okay.

I'm gonna carry you, okay?

Here we go.

Here we go, I got you,
I got you, I got you.

- Don't let go.
- I'm not gonna let go, I got you.

You have to relax, okay?

You can trust me.

All right, here we go.

I got you. I got you.

Okay.

All right.

I'm barely even holding you.

Don't let go.

I'm not, I'm not gonna let go.

- Okay.
- I got you.

All right.

Good, just chill.

We're just gonna chill.

There you go.

Ah, look at this.

Yes.

♪ Look at all my trials and tribu... ♪

Will you hand me the blanket? Thank you.

♪ Tribulations ♪

♪ Sinking in a gentle pool of wine ♪

♪ Don't disturb me now ♪

♪ I can see the answers ♪

♪ Till this evening is this morning ♪

♪ Life is fine. ♪

Oh, my God, Morty, I
cannot stop listening

to that stupid record album.

It's so good.

I'm glad you like it.

I knew you would.

Ah, look at this!

- Let me help you.
- Oh, thank you.

Oh, my goodness.

Yes.

Oh, my... oh, my God.

Oh, no, Morty, look, it's a dead bird.

- What can we do?
- I think we may be

past the point of medical
intervention, Shell.

We got to give it a
proper resting place.

Morty, come on.

What, do you not want a funeral?

My little guy. Feel so bad.

Oh.

Aw, Shell.

You're gonna be such a good mother.

What?

What are you suggesting, Morty?

I think you know.

Babies are not the same
thing as dead animals, Morty.

They really aren't.

But, but...

if we do have kids,

I really think they
should take my last name.

They'll never be able to spell yours,

not until they reach the fifth grade.

I like Pfefferman.

- It's distinguished.
- I don't know.

I really don't know about
those three Fs in there.

Well, then,

I'll be Mrs...

Morton Lipkind.

Yes, my parents would have a fit.

They don't need to know.

Guys, I can't believe
Ali is missing this.

Uh, I think I
know why she's not here.

Why?

Do you know what Moshe told me?

- What?
- Well, remember how we thought

that Gershon was k*lled in the w*r?

And he was married to Gittel?

- Yeah.
- Not true.

What?

- Wha...
- Gershon was...

Gershon was Gittel.

Tante Gittel?

What?

Gittel was trans.

- Gershon is Gittel?
- Tante Gittel...

- of the old ring fame?
- The ring.

That's unbelievable.

How does this happen?

- What are the chances of this?
- My God.

Maybe it runs in the family.

It's like dyslexia.

You're born with it; you can't help it.

- It's not like dyslexia.
- Okay. Not... I'm sorry.

You're right.

You know, if it runs in the
family, I might be trans.

Shell.

- What?
- You're not related.

- Oh, right.
- All right, all right, the point is...

I think we need to give Ali some space.

She's kind of going
through it, you know?

- Going through what?
- What?

You know...

like I was

when I was her age, you know?

Some days you just didn't
know who was gonna show up.

Well, if anyone got the
trans gene, it's Ali.

- Well, s-she could figure things out...
- She's not trans.

- in California.
- Hold on, guys. Guys, guys.

She's not trans.

She's just not
comfortable being a woman.

- And we have to give her the space.
- Wait!

Wait a second. She's a they.

She's... no, she's
gender non-conforming.

- Like non-binary, androgynous.
- Oh, my God.

No, she's gonna be a they.

- You are so up on your terms.
- She's gonna be a they.

Well, that's kind of f*cking cool.

It's not really cool that
we're actually having this

and I've already said too much.

- Oh, boy.
- And it's not cool

- to talk about people's gender.
- I totally get it.

So, wait, we're saying
that Ali's not here

or maybe ditching us
because of their gender?

Which would be very they.

It's so them.

- It's so them.
- They's up to they same old tricks.

- They haven't changed at all, really.
- They-they...

They are always they way.

No, Ali was not like you two.

She was a floppy baby.

She was floppy, so she was, she was...

Yeah, I think clinical studies
have shown that floppiness

leads to trans-ness.

They are not trans.

- They are they.
- They are they.

They said that she's
not entirely comfortable

- sharing with anybody yet.
- Oh, okay.

So everyone just put a sock in it.

Consider us socked.

♪ Look at all ♪

♪ My trials and tribulations ♪

♪ Sinking in a gentle pool of wine ♪

♪ Pool of wine ♪

♪ Don't disturb me now... ♪

Hi. Um, I need to go to the Dead Sea.

♪ Till this evening is this morning ♪

♪ Life is fine ♪

♪ Always hoped ♪

♪ That I'd be an apostle ♪

♪ Knew that I would make it ♪

- ♪ If I tried ♪
- ♪ If I tried ♪

♪ Then when we retire ♪

♪ We can write the gospels ♪

♪ So they'll still talk about us ♪

♪ When we've d*ed. ♪