02x06 - Jaaaaaaaags

[bunniefuu]

(TRAIN WHISTLE)

(ENGINE DRONING)

(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)

- Hello, everyone.
- Hello!

Thank you.

- Greetings, everybody.
- Wow!

- We got a rowdy bunch in!
- They are, they are.

Thank you so much. Thank you, everybody.

Thank you and welcome.

And, in this edition of our car show...

Richard steals some sun cream...

I drink some wine...

(GULPS)

...and James says "40."

40?

(LAUGHTER)

(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)

All that... All that is to come.

But, we begin with Jaguar.

Now, us three, we love Jags because
they're so... they're so roguish.

You can take a girl for dinner if you
have a Jag, and then she will pay.

You could go and stay
with people for the weekend,

help yourself to all their belongings

and no one will mind because
"you have a Jag". Exactly!

In fact, people expect it.

You have somebody to stay
at your house who owns a Jag,

you've got to accept you're
gonna lose some paintings.

And some cutlery.

The thing is, though, OK,
even though a Jaguar

is an international
get-out-of-jail-free card,

very few people actually ever buy one.

Who here has got a Jag? One, two...

Only three people in Britain
drive Jaguars.

It's astonishing.

Yeah, I've actually got the sales figures
here and they are pretty tragic,

because in the five years up to 2016,

Jaguar sold 200,000 cars worldwide.

And in the same period,
Audi, Mercedes and even BMW,

each sold over eight million.

It's a staggering statistic,
it really is.

We were talking about this in the office
the other day and Mr Wilman said,

people don't buy Jags because
they used to break down.

Yeah, but, that's just not true.

And we decided to prove this

by taking The Grand Tour
this week to Colorado.

(BELL TOLLS)

(BIRDS SCREECHING)

The car I've chosen is, I think,
the best car Jaguar ever made.

The V8 super-charged XJR.

It's cool without being Cool Britannia.

It's caddish without being laddish.

It's... violent without being vicious.

And it is just the last word
in sophistication.

Hannibal Lecter had one
and that says it all because

the last we saw of him
he was on a plane, scot-free,

eating a district attorney's head.

Soon I reached the meeting
point, where I found James,

who'd bought an XK8 convertible.

Here we are, look.
A big cat near an old dog.

- Greetings, May.
- Moron.

JAMES: It's not a Subaru!

You're supposed to be upholding
the reputation of the Jag driver.

- Why have you bought that?
- Because it's excellent.

- It isn't.
- It is.

- This was a very poor Jaguar.
- This was a very good Jaguar.

You could go camping in the wheel
arches of it! They're so high up.

They looked all right when they were
super-charged and lower but this is...

No, but they didn't work properly when
they were super-charged and lower

because they had a terrible ride.

The one thing you get
from a Jag is a nice ride.

You're disconnected from the
world, that's the point. Anyway...

And those wheels!
There's no "anyway" about it.

That's the best Jag probably ever made.

- Hmm. No.
- Well, it is.

Tell me what's wrong with that?

One of the wheels is odd.

Yes, ah, I know exactly
what's happened here.

Previous owner's had a puncture.

He's simply borrowed a wheel
from another car to use.

- And he's gonna give it back?
- Of course he is.

- Because he drives a Jag.
- Exactly.

And look in here!

It looks as if there's been
a Kn*fe fight in the car.

That's because he went to stay
with some friends, obviously,

thought, "I'll borrow their cutlery"

tucked it into his trousers and then he's
cut his seats, that's what's happened.

At this point,
Mr Hammond hoved into view.

- God, is that a Mark X?
- That is a Mark X.

JAMES: That's a properly villainous Jag.

- That that is a proper Jag.
- Yeah.

Whatever you do, OK,
do not tell him that.

No, no.

- Hammond, you idiot.
- What?

We're supposed to be upholding
the reputation of Jaguar,

you've brought an antique, you've
brought an old piece of furniture.

I am celebrating and revelling
in the glories of Jaguar.

This is 1967 420G.

This front end started with this car.
That's the Jaguar look.

The forehead lamps, the narrow grill.

Hammond, seriously. What is that?

It's a 420G. This was the favour...

- No, no not that. That.
- This? It's my jacket.

I thought, a bit of style.
We're in Jaguars.

There's no style in the jacket at all.

It's riddled with style!

Some of your jackets
are terrible, but I can't...

RICHARD: Anyway, this was favoured by
every villainous bank robber and baddie

in and around England in the '60s.

- How much did you pay for it?
- £6,500.

- What?
- I know.

That is a lot of car for
six-and-a-half grand.

- Look at the size of it!
- Hammond, that is 1,000...

No, wait, £2,500 more

than I paid for a super-charged Jaguar.

That is Jaguar's embarrassing attempt
to recapture their own design

that started with this, the four
head-lamps, the narrow grill.

This is definitive.
Your car is derivative.

JEREMY: And Hammond
wasn't finished there.

Look at the size of this!

Imagine how many oil paintings,
borrowed, I could get in there.

JAMES: Smells terrible.

- Tool kit.
- Let me have a look.

- That's for opening windows.
- It is, no this is...

Not necessarily for
fixing the car! (LAUGHS)

That's for cutting through
somebody's fence.

This is for undoing
the paintings from the walls.

All the Jaguar toolkit
is just for burglaries.

RICHARD: It's got a jemmy in it!

(LAUGHTER)

JEREMY: At this point we set off
into the heart of Colorado,

eager to demonstrate
the magnificence of our cars.

Now it is telling me here that
the traction control has failed,

the stability control has failed, and
that the anti-lock brakes have failed.

And that's brilliant, because Jaguar
obviously realised when they made this car

that drifting would one day
become very popular,

and driver aids like this would
be unwelcome and unnecessary.

So they were designed
to break, and they have done.

RICHARD: This particular 420G is
from 1967. Quite well-equipped.

This row of toggle switches
here on the dash, six of them.

Wiper. Look at that!

Look at... Oh.

Yeah! That's the wipers there.

And then this is...
They won't turn off now.

This is the fan. That doesn't
do anything at the moment.

These are features.

This is character that has
evolved over the years.

These are the beauty spots,

or the slight squint to one eye
that makes a person beautiful.

If anything... If anything... Oh.
The glove box has come open.

I'll close that now.

- (GLOVE BOX OPENS)
- It's done it again.

JAMES: Normally I'd say at this
point, now we're alone, viewers,

let me talk you through a couple of
things that aren't right with my car.

I'm afraid I can't do that because
everything in here works perfectly.

There is, if you look in the left-hand
dial, which is the rev counter,

there's an engine warning light on

to remind me that the engine warning
light works, and that it's there.

When you brake, like that,

the brake pedal judders for you,
so you know you're braking.

That's brilliant! Why doesn't
everybody do that?

I will give Hammond's car one thing,

it does give good rear view mirror.

It looks villainous.

The Kray twins actually had
420s just like Hammond's Jag.

If you're watching this in America and
you don't know who the Krays are,

they're the reason the Mafia
never got to London.

They were too scared of the Krays.

Some incredibly strong smells
in this car.

There's a sort of gluey, resiny smell.

And burning.

Yeah, burning.

(CAR DOOR CREAKS)

It's having a smoke!

It's from the '60s.
Everybody smoked in the '60s.

- It would smoke, it's a Jag.
- That's what's it's...

You have a smoke, mate.

It's seen this nice view and thought,
"I'll have a pipe and contemplate it."

Like, like a red native.
What are they called?

- Native American?
- Yes, that.

JEREMY: Once Hammond's car
had finished its smoke,

we resumed our fuss-free journey,

and I got my foot down.

It's still got tons of poke.
Look at that!

Which went well.

It's just not changing gear.
It's... There's neutral.

Right, now it's in, I think, second.

Jeremy, why are we going so slowly?

I'll tell you exactly why, because
the only German part in here,

the Mercedes gearbox, has gone wrong.

That was a sad lapse of
judgment on Jaguar's part.

Any idiot knows you don't
put German bits in a car.

- Manually changing gear.
- What is wrong with it?

It's selecting a gear for the moment
and then just sticking with it.

I can't wait for it to choose reverse.

(LAUGHS)

This problem with shoddy German engineering
couldn't have come at a worse time,

because we were
now arriving at the location

for Mr Wilman's first challenge

and I'd have to fix things sharpish.

RICHARD: Now look.

"Now look" what?

Don't let us distract you
Professor, Doctor.

Listen, I have worked
this out all by my own!

The gearbox has overheated, OK? So
I'm gonna put some fluid in it.

How much do you need to put in?

Don't know. How
much do you need to put in?

- Put enough in. Go on.
- Yeah, put some in.

It's like watching a really, really
old drunk pour himself a Scotch!

(RICHARD WHEEZES WITH LAUGHTER)

"Just enough, man."

The concentration face
is coming out, there it is.

Good to see a man operating
at his absolute limit.

With the problem solved,
it was time to get cracking.

(ENGINES REVVING)

We'd be competing against one
another here at an off-road course,

which Mr Wilman was convinced

would break our ancient
Jaguars into 1,000 pieces.

However, James had worked out
a way to prove him wrong.

OK, are you ready?
In three, two, one, go!

- It's a long car. It takes a long time to go past.
- That's what it is.

I'd better brake for this
left-hander, change down.

Oh, concentrate!

And approaching the jump.

JEREMY: He may get air here.

There you go.

Know this, if you're
turning over now to watch

Man In A High Castle,
something of that nature,

James is gonna finish this course.

Which, eventually, he did.

- And... across the line.
- There he is.

RICHARD: Yeah.

JEREMY: James May,
you just set a lap record.

Yes!

The fastest ever lap

in a Jaguar XK8 around this track.

As you can see,
the perfect track day car.

This Jaguar has done a lap of this very
demanding race circuit, and it's perfect.

JEREMY: Next up was me,
in the tight-fit XJR.

It is quite snug in here. Look, really.

- There is a problem. If I hit the top of your head...
- Oh, hang on!

RICHARD: That's what that's for!

It's a helmet hatch. That's what it is.

You'll almost certainly
be k*lled, though.

You know when they take
the top off a boiled egg?

- You do the countdown.
- In three, two, one, go!

(ENGINE REVS)

Yeah, there's some dust.

And there we are! I have
unleashed 385 horsepower!

And I would now demonstrate that this 17-year-old
car had lost none of that horsepower.

Or any of its razor-sharp handling.

Oh, yeah. Just feel
the tail going nicely.

Oh, bollocks! It didn't.

I have slightly got that wrong,

but we can edit that out and cut
to this, and it looks good.

God, he's all over the place.
Look at that!

What you're watching here
is liquid poetry.

And flick it in!

JAMES: He's completely messed it up.

RICHARD: Yeah, he's just...
What... What is he doing?

I've had a spin there.
A slight spin has gone.

I'm blind as a bat now.

That's... That's added
to his time quite a lot.

There we go, speed up again now.

And...

You ready?

...across the line.

1:54.

JEREMY: But the important thing is,

that's a lap record for the
XJR, and it's still working.

(DRUM ROLL)

JEREMY: Finally, it was the turn
of Ronnie and Reggie Hammond.

Here we go. In three, two, one, go!

Here we go, unleashing
4.2-litre straight-six.

JEREMY: Because Hammond's 50-year-old
Jag was a senior citizen,

we hoped he'd take it easy.

However...

Let's do this properly. Come on!

JEREMY: Oh, his boot's come open.

- He hasn't really got the point of this from the start.
- No. No, he hasn't.

You've got a bit more than that in you.
I know you have!

You've got more to give me.
Give me more!

JEREMY: Oh, no, look!
Tons of black smoke.

(LAUGHS) Yeah!

Ha-ha-ha! Come on!

RICHARD: Back at the finish line,

my colleagues were
not impressed with me.

JAMES: There's oil
everywhere, and coolant.

All you had to do was go round
pretending it was a bit dramatic

proving that a Jaguar worked
properly and was durable.

I gave it a bit of the beans in
a corner, bit of a tail-out.

This lot at home are fooled. They
think I was trying my hardest.

I pulled a face. I went like that.

- What did you do?
- Gave it...

And look at the back of your car.

Smashed rear window.
Boot lid, no other word, off.

Does it actually start?

(ENGINE STRUGGLES)

(METALLIC CLANGING)

(ENGINE OFF)

- I think you threw a rod.
- It's all fixable.

What was that?
What was that "glang" noise?

It could be a rod going through the
side of the wall. I can fix this.

And sure enough...

I would have bet my left ear that Hammond
would never be able to get that Jag going,

and yet, he has!

Turns out the actual damage was
nowhere near as bad as we thought.

All I had to do,
straighten the boot lid,

top up the water in the radiator,
that did need doing, that was it.

Yep.

Never noticed the sun roof
before. That's good.

So, there we are,

proof you can go off-road
racing with three Jaguars,

and all of them will survive.

Well, it is just good that
we're back as a three,

with the three cars running well.

(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)

I think we got away with that.
They never noticed.

No, nobody.
Yeah, we're good. We're good.

- Anyway, shh, shh, shh.
- Yeah.

I can't believe, I simply cannot
believe, how robust those Jags were.

I can, they are tremendously
well-made cars, they really are.

Swiss watchmakers, they gasp sometimes
when they look at an old Jag and go,

"I cannot believe how much
perfection there is in there."

Exactly, and we will
come back to that later on,

but right now it's time to slide
across an icy puddle of chat

on Conversation Street.

(JAZZ MUSIC)

(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)

- That hurt?
- Yeah.

Right now, we begin with this.

You know the fire brigade these days

have been issued with those big
hydraulic, erm, poultry shears?

You mean the jaws of life?

- Whatever they're called.
- Jaws of life.

If you give a man a tool like that,
he is going to use it all the time.

Which means whenever the fire brigade now
turn up at the most minor car accident,

out they come,
they cut the car's roof off.

- Yeah, they do.
- Are there any firemen here?

No, because they're too busy out there
cutting people's roofs off. They are!

Loads of them out there.
It is getting out of hand.

There was a story recently, somebody had a
pretty much brand-new Range Rover Sport,

it had done 400 miles.

They had a bit of a shunt.
I think we've got a picture.

It's broken a headlamp,
but that's about it.

Fire brigade come along and immediately
cut the roof off, there you go.

- (LAUGHTER)
- I mean, that's made everything worse!

I can b*at that, OK? Couple of years ago
there was this woman driving along.

There'd been a minor accident,
she wasn't involved,

but the people who were,
were standing around.

She said, "Do you want to sit
down in the back of my car?"

Fire brigade turn up,
cut the roof off her car.

- What, they...
- There, look!

RICHARD: That hadn't been in the crash?

They'd gone in through the doors, said,

"We'll cut the roof off,
easier to get you out."

The doors are working, look!

RICHARD: She was being a good
Samaritan and that's what she got?

- Do you know they actually did this to the police?
- Who, the fire brigade?

The police turned up at the scene
of an accident, a very minor one.

The people were unhurt
but it was raining.

They said, "Would you like to
rest in the police car?" (LAUGHS)

No, please tell me... They didn't!

The fire brigade cut the roof
off the police car!

- (LAUGHTER)
- That's gonna escalate.

I think what happened later on

was the police went in their convertible
police car round to the fire station

and blew up the fire engine in a "controlled
expl*si*n" which is what the police do!

It's gonna build!

I kerbed the wheel on my car
the other day and I thought,

"I hope the fire brigade didn't see me
do that. They'll cut the roof off!"

They wouldn't cut the roof off your
car because that's only a Golf.

- What they like to do is cut the roof off a Porsche!
- That's more exciting.

You say at the pub, "I cut
the roof off a Porsche!"

It's better than a Golf or a Hyundai.

- It's a better story.
- Exactly.

I know why they're doing it.

To be brutally honest, they're
doing it because they can.

They should take a lesson
from the Queen.

She's been the Queen now
for, what, 65 years?

Now, she has the constitutional
right and power... (LAUGHS)

(LAUGHTER)

Weirdly this is... this is,
actually their display team.

This bit better go in,

because that's gonna be un
(BEEP) ing editable, that is!

They should take a lesson
from the Queen.

- She's been in power now, what, 65 years?
- Yeah.

She has the constitutional right to
declare w*r on another country, OK?

She can do that, and she never has.

How long would you last before you
declared w*r if you had the ability?

- I'd give it two days, and it'd be all-out w*r.
- Exactly.

"I'm declaring w*r on France.
That's what I'm doing."

Well, you would if you could, that's
the problem. That's why they do it.

I sympathise with the fire brigade, because
I bought a chainsaw the other day.

- Oh, my God! Are you sure?
- No, I did.

But when you've got a chainsaw,
you use it for everything.

I was thinking, "I've got to carve the
Sunday joint. I'll get the chainsaw."

Opening a letter, get the chainsaw.
Bread, use the chainsaw.

Your eyebrows could do
with a bit of a trim.

(LAUGHTER)

As soon as the show's over, they're
coming off with a chainsaw.

- You've got it, so you use one.
- Exactly.

- They've got jaws of life?
- Jaws of life.

They're gonna use it,
and they are doing.

We've got an important message actually
for all firemen and firemenwomen.

Stop cutting the roofs...

(LAUGHTER)

Sorry!

(LAUGHTER)

I think that's right.
That's right, mate.

- It's equal opportunities, what's the matter with you?
- It's a modern world.

Stop cutting the roofs off
our cars or we'll come round

and cut the roof off your
painting and decorating van.

(LAUGHTER)

That's covered the fire brigade.

- Yep.
- Hope we don't need them any time soon.

So do I, cos we're gonna be
trapped in a car, "Please!"

Aston Martin's launched this.
It's the new Vantage.

- (CROWD MURMURS)
- RICHARD: That looks great.

JEREMY: Absolutely spectacular.

That actually looks like the one-off
Aston they made for the Bond film.

Oh, from the back especially. Have you
got a picture of it from the back?

I mean, that is just
a spectacular-looking thing,

and it's been fitted with the twin-turbo
charged four-litre V8 from Mercedes.

- The AMG engine.
- Yeah.

And that is just brilliant.

It's the work actually of the man with
the best name in the motor industry.

No, second best name.

Man with the best name is
Lamborghini's chief test driver.

- He's called Max Venturi.
- Yeah.

- He's never had sex.
- No, no, no.

- He's young and good-looking as well.
- Yes, I know.

Anyway, the guy at Aston, their technical
officer, is called Max "Szwaj".

- What?
- Max "Szwaj".

- "Szwaj"?
- No, "Sz".

- That's what I said "Szwa".
- No, it's "Sz".

- You sound like a broken dentist drill, "Szwaj".
- You're just being r*cist.

- I'm not!
- You are, the man's Irish.

- I'm not being r*cist!
- Just cos you want him to be called Paddy O'Malley!

I didn't say... You can't accuse
me of being r*cist on television!

Anyway, we'll gloss over your frankly...

- I'm not. That is...
- It's embarrassing.

They've also... He,
I should say, Max "Szwaj",

has also put the Mercedes
engine in the DB11.

And I love that engine,
and I love that car.

That's gonna be
one hell of a combination.

RICHARD: Could be amazing.
How much will it be?

Well, weirdly,
not much less than the V12.

But I think that the V8 will be better
cos the engine will be lighter.

So what you're saying, in
fact, is smaller is better.

(LAUGHTER)

- No.
- (LAUGHTER)

You know Chinese companies like to
give themselves Western names, OK?

- I know what you mean.
- Well, there's a Chinese spare part company.

They do brakes and what have
you, that's called, erm, this.

(LAUGHTER)

Well, well, it's...

- Thing is...
- It's memorable, isn't it?

Thing is, though, if you
type that into Google...

- Oh, don't!
- (LAUGHTER)

You've really got some strong images for 27
pages before you get to your brake disks.

Sitting there an hour later
with eyes like that.

"Only wanted some brake pads, and now
I've seen things I can't unsee!"

What were you looking for
when you came across...?

(LAUGHTER)

What had you put in?

Had you been through all 27,000
pages to get to that one?

I was just looking at (BEEPS).

- Oh!
- (LAUGHTER)

And that is the end of this
week's Conversation Street.

- (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)
- That's very kind, thank you.

Thank you, and now it's time
to get back to our film

in which we're proving that Jaguar's
reputation for unreliability

is completely unfounded.

Yes, we pick up the action at a hotel
where, because we're driving Jags,

we'd spent the night in rooms as far away
as possible from the reception desk,

and its pesky checking-out requirements.

JEREMY: The next morning we were
up way before the hotel staff,

to get back on the road.

(CLATTERING)

- Morning.
- Morning.

What's with the towels?

Well, they had this sign that explained

how environmentally damaging and
expensive it is to wash them,

so I've saved them the trouble.

- That's good thinking.
- That's kind.

That is.

JEREMY: Because we'd had
such an early start,

we decided after
a little while to pull over

and admire some of the
beautiful rock formations.

- (ENGINE SPUTTERING)
- JEREMY: Do you see the sandstone has been

eroded by time, wind, and the
pressure of water seeping through it.

(ENGINE SPUTTERING)

It's baffling, isn't it,
how a simple stream

can have carved such
an extraordinary gorge.

I don't think there's any
point continuing to do that.

I think you're going to just
melt the starter motor.

Now, it's a heck of a battery, though.

JAMES: How have you managed
to break it so quickly?

- Literally we left the hotel...
- You've had it five minutes!

...40 minutes ago.

It's something I've done.
It's certainly not the car.

- Look at those cross braces.
- JEREMY: Mm.

I fitted those as well,
that it didn't have before.

JEREMY: Because the problem
was bound to be minor,

James and I left Richard to it

and continued onwards
to our next destination.

JEREMY: This is one hell of a road!

Surface is good. Scenery is fantastic.
No traffic.

These were ideal conditions
for a Jag like mine.

One of the things I
absolutely love about the XJR

is the way the faster you go, the
more it starts to sort of float.

It's like you're sort of powder skiing.

(IMITATES SKIING SOUNDS)

It actually encourages you to go
faster because you're so relaxed.

This, let's not forget, is a
155-mile-an-hour machine.

Nought to 60, five-and-a-half seconds.

It's quick, even by today's standards.

Right, problem is fuel pump not working,
that's because there's no power to it.

But the really clever thing
about a Jaguar

is you get lots of
spare stuff you can use

when a problem arises, should
it, which is very unlikely.

In this instance, I disconnected this
which powers the electric aerial.

That has got power. Obviously I can
do without the electric aerial.

I didn't want to use it anyway.

Hook this up to the fuel
pump, job done, we're away.

JEREMY: Sure enough, he was
soon back on the move...

I love this thing.
It's a beautiful little car.

...unlike me.

(INDISTINCT POLICE RADIO CHATTER)

Not that this is much of an issue
for someone who's driving a Jag!

Yes, Constable, however,

if I could draw your attention to
the first page of my passport here,

"Her Britannic Majesty..."
that's the Queen,

"...requests and requires
in the name of Her Majesty,

all those whom it may concern to
allow the bearer..." that's me,

"...to pass freely without
let or hindrance."

(POLICE RADIO CHATTER CONTINUES)

JAMES: Did you get away with that?

Yeah, I just hit him
with the passport thing.

Very good, yes.

JEREMY: Honestly, it works every time.
It never fails in America.

I also told the officer I was
travelling with Mrs May,

the British Prime Minister.

And he believed me!

Meanwhile, quite a few miles
further back...

(STEAM HISSING)

That's... just having a rest.

MAN: Oh, it's a Brit
and it's overheated.

No, no, it's fine.

(MAN LAUGHS)

Do you know why
the English like warm beer?

Because Lucas makes refrigerators, too!

- Good, thank you so much!
- Yeah, you bet!

Oh, this isn't helping our case.

Higher in the sky,

James and I had arrived at the
location for our next challenge...

...a runway.

And once our colleague had arrived,

I explained what Mr Wilman had planned.

We'll go from here,
one at a time, 0-100,

and then back to 0 again.

You've got to stop before the end of the
runway, and really do have to stop,

because this airport has a...
a slightly unusual feature.

Perched on the summit
of a rocky mountain,

Telluride is the highest
commercial airport in the US.

And at the end of the runway,
there is...

...nothing.

Just a 1,000 foot drop
to an uncomfortable end.

Here we go!

Yes, there it is!

It has got some shove, that.

Forced induction of course is what
you need at this kind of altitude.

That's why super-chargers were fitted
to the Spitfire and the Messerschmitt.

That's 80...

90...

There's 100!

(BRAKES SQUEAL)

Oh, the brakes are medium
good and that's a worry...

...for Hammond and May.

On the plus side, that's further
proof of the power of a Jaguar.

On the negative side, Jeremy isn't
now going, "Argh!" which is a shame.

It is, the other thing
we need to bear in mind

is that his car is very much the most
powerful one here, and you're going next.

Why am I going next?

Because I just said you're going
next, and that's like a bagsie.

- That's how a Jag driver would work.
- Right!

(ENGINE REVS)

Three, two, one, begin.

Ohh, yeah! I think it's lost
some ponies over the years.

The big question is,
will his ancient XJ6

be able to b*at the yardstick
I've laid down?

Er... 55.

60.

JEREMY: Still accelerating.

You're gonna have to
work a bit harder, Jaguar!

You really are, because
that's not good enough!

(LAUGHS) Still...

85.

Ladies and gentlemen, we are about to witness
the death of Richard Hammond, again.

Nearly!

- 100!
- (BRAKES SQUEAL)

(YELLS) Oh, my God!

(BRAKES SCREECH)

RICHARD: Ah!

And... shut down.

(SNIFFS)

JEREMY: How much excrement?

Erm... well, brown seats would
have been a better choice.

- Yeah. Your braking?
- Erm... Vigorous.

Would you like to know how
much further you went than me?

- Yeah, go on.
- 0.4 of a mile...

(BOTH LAUGH)

...of a mile!

JAMES: Finally it was my turn and I
was going to need as much runway

and as much streamlining as possible,

for good reason.

Now we're alone, viewers,
I'm gonna admit to you

that my car has gone
into "limp home" mode,

which is not ideal
for this sort of thing.

JEREMY: In three, two, one.

(ENGINE REVS)

40.

He's moving. I mean, just barely but...

50.

(ENGINE REVS)

60.

He's still accelerating!

70.

75!

80 miles... 80. 80 miles an hour.

90!

Oh, my God!

JAMES: Argh!

Ow! Ooh!

Ow!

Having completed the 0-100
and back to 0 test,

we got back on the road.

Well, all credit to James's XK8.

He's come out of it unharmed
and the car pretty much, too.

If anything, the engine seems
to have become even smoother,

almost as if it's gained
50% more cylinders.

But that's the thing about
Jags, they just get better.

JEREMY: With all three cars
still running well,

we headed off to face our final
and toughest challenge...

...in the ski resort of Telluride.

(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)

- They applauded your death.
- They did.

- They applauded your death.
- Thank you very much!

I have to say though, James,
it really was extraordinary

that you went down that
1,000-foot fall, not a scratch.

Completely unharmed.

It's weird that Jag don't make
more of that in their commercials.

Anyway, we'll pick that up later on.

Now though, it's time for
Celebrity Face Off.

(APPLAUSE)

Yeah, and today we are asking another
important question, and it's this.

Who is the world's fastest actor,
whose middle name is George?

Surprisingly hard to find contenders
for this one, but we've managed it.

So please welcome Luke Evans
and Kiefer Sutherland!

(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)

Jack Bauer! How are you?

You. How are you? Have a seat.

(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)

No messing about this week!
We are not messing about.

(APPLAUSE CONTINUES)

Can I just explain before we start? Yes.

- You get a Canadian flag because you're Canadian?
- Yeah.

- But if you win it'll become British.
- It'll become British.

- Because you were born...
- I was born in London.

- Born in London, so do you have a British passport?
- I do.

- And you're a Canadian citizen?
- Yes.

- But you live in America?
- Yes.

- (LAUGHTER)
- I am a well-travelled man!

Yeah. You travel the colonies. Erm...

(LAUGHTER)

- You're Welsh whatever happens.
- Good.

Now, this business of middle names...

- You've just got the one middle name?
- Yes.

- Which is George?
- George, yes.

- You...
- I've got the five.

- (LAUGHTER)
- Which are...

Kiefer William Frederick Dempsey
George Rufus Sutherland.

- Ah, wow!
- (CROWD MURMURS)

- So, your dad...
- My father owed a lot of people money!

(LAUGHTER)

I think he would just say, "I can't pay
you, but I'll name my son after you."

(LAUGHTER)

Now we'll get onto you, Luke, if we may.

Obviously, your new blockbuster
is Beauty And The Beast.

But you're best known, certainly among
this audience, I should imagine-

- I've a feeling I know which one it is.
- Fast and Furious.

- Yeah.
- Fast and Furious 6.

- Yeah.
- (CHEERING, APPLAUSE)

Now, what fascinates me about this
Fast and Furious business is somehow

you make a living from driving around,
smashing up very expensive cars.

I mean, how is that even possible?

- (LAUGHTER)
- You tell me.

- (LAUGHTER)
- Touché.

- It must be a riot.
- It is a riot, yeah.

Especially when they... they
make them from scratch,

like the flip car
that I drove in Fast 6.

That was hand-made by
this genius in Los Angeles

who makes all the cars in the films.

- And the flip car was...
- It's got a tongue on it...

It's basically like
a door wedge, basically,

which had, I think it was
a Formula One engine.

But it was just the shell,
so the sound was deafening.

We all had to have ear plugs and
stuff and... But it was great.

All the wheels could crab, so they
all could turn at the same time,

so you go could go underneath
lorries, trailer lorries.

- They're tricky to drive, I presume.
- Very tricky.

It was, erm... it wasn't a normal
sort of gear shift. It was a ratchet.

So you'd have to press a button and
then you had to pump the clutch

then you had to ratchet it up to
first, and it was so complicated.

- While doing acting?
- While doing acting, yeah.

(LAUGHTER)

See, he's so cool, why would
you have me on the show?

No, I mean, you do crash even
more cars than Hammond does.

- (LAUGHTER)
- I've got the figures here.

You've destroyed, or the
Fast And Furious people,

- 1,478 cars...
- Wow!

...in the franchise, which is quite
a lot. Someone worked out the cost.

- You've only done £3.7 million worth of damage.
- That's not bad.

Jason Statham's got through 148
million quid's worth of cars.

(LAUGHTER)

Actually, Richard Hammond has
provided me with a question here.

He said, "Is it because
he can't drive very well?"

I did not say that! I didn't! Why
would I fall out with Jason Statham?

- I didn't say that!
- You thought it.

Can he drive? I've always
wanted to get Jason...

I have no idea!
Yes, I'm sure, yeah. I...

- Are you sure he can't drive? There you go, Hammond.
- I didn't ask that!

I'm sure he can.

Did you crash any cars? Not to
the extent they do, but did you?

No, actually, I was thinking how
cool all your stories were.

Mine was so embarrassing.

Er... I had a scene, all I had to do,

and a very normal car,
the wheels didn't crab,

I just had to drive it to the mark, get
out, draw my w*apon and say something.

And that day they had
a really wonderful actress.

I had a bit of a crush on her, and
I was really trying to show off.

And I spun the car a bit, threw it
into a stop, threw open the door,

pulled out my w*apon, said my line
and slowly the car passed me.

(LAUGHTER)

I had forgot... I had
forgot to put it in park.

And er... and it hit the fence that the camera
operator was sitting on and he fell off.

(LAUGHTER)

The girl never talked to me again
and that was the end of my day.

We'll get onto cars cos you both started
with Mustangs, I think I'm right in saying.

- Yeah.
- Well, sort of yeah.

- You were very late to...
- Yeah, I was 30 when I passed my driving test.

I'd never been to LA, and I had
to go there for a screen test,

and the first time I got in a car on my
own was a hire car from LAX Airport,

which was a Mustang, and then I
went on the 405 to West Hollywood.

- Shat myself.
- That'll teach you how to drive!

(LAUGHTER)

My hands were so wet that they were
sliding off the steering wheel.

- And the steering wheel's on the wrong side of the road.
- I mean, five lanes!

I do love saying wrong side of the road
in front of people who aren't... (LAUGHS)

It's the right side of the road.
We're the idiots.

No, we're not. No, we're not!

Steering wheel's on the wrong side,
on the wrong side of the road.

- The 405 is a nightmare.
- It's hell.

- I'd not want to do my first solo drive.
- Yeah.

- Now your first car was a...
- My first car was a 1967 Mustang.

And er... I had a couple of
jobs in New York,

that allowed me to buy the car.

Then I was gonna drive it
from New York to Los Angeles,

where I had another job waiting for me.

And I was driving across Texas,

and this was the cheaper
model of the 1967 Mustang.

It was a straight-six,
not a lot of power.

And I guess there was an
80-mile-an-hour wind coming east.

(LAUGHTER)

I was trying to go west, and the
wind was more powerful than my car

so in the middle of the
highway it just stopped.

(LAUGHTER)

And, I'm not a mechanically-inclined guy

so I got rid of the Mustang
as quickly as I could.

You, on the other hand, are
mechanically-minded, aren't you?

Yeah, well, my best mate as I
grew up was a farmer's boy

and so I was always
on the farms with him.

And there was, like, tractors
and quads and motorbikes.

- Are you a bike enthusiast?
- My dad is a big biker. Like, big, big biker.

So I was always on the back of his bike.

Pillion passengers through
the Brecon Beacons, you know?

Did your dad have a 1600E?

That was... Yeah, when I was born,

he had a 1600E Cortina in azure blue,

and when I was born, he put
my name on his number plate.

I grew up with this very special car.

Well, now you're into
my specialist subject here.

You may have to tune out for
a moment here, because to...

I don't think it was available
in blue, the 1600E.

No. It wasn't. But you'll need
to ask him the answer to that.

- Why, is he here?
- He's there.

- Was it, how did you get...? He's brought his dad?
- Brought my dad, yeah.

Have you brought your dad?

- No.
- That'd be hilarious.

(LAUGHTER)

How did you have a blue Cortina 1600E?

Well, the Mark IIs
came out in the silver fox,

but after a few years
they started to fade.

- So I bought one and I had it re-sprayed.
- You painted it?

- I thought, I sort of...
- Stylish for a Valley boy!

- (LAUGHTER)
- Azure blue, I mean, come on!

I had a 1600E. It was amber gold.
They were the coolest cars.

- Do you remember it?
- Yeah, I do remember it. It was beautiful.

I mean, I remember that I chipped the...
the walnut, er, dashboard,

cos I was in the car like this with my
teeth, and he'd braked and I split.

I literally have guilt even now
and I was only five at the time.

Your dad was cross with you for smashing
your teeth out cos he braked too hard?

Oh, yeah, the car was
everything, like yeah.

You smashed your
face in on the dashboard?

Yeah, I lost my front teeth, but it
was the walnut veneer that was the...

- This is the Poor Parenting Award here, this is.
- (LAUGHTER)

Now we've got to find out,

well, basically whether we're gonna
call you Canadian or British.

- Who wants to see their laps?
- (CHEERING)

- So, Kiefer, we're gonna have a look at yours first.
- OK.

So, here we go.

JEREMY: It's a beautiful day once
again in the heartland of England.

Accelerate. Accelerate, brake.

That's the right way to do it.
Oh, cutting that corner nicely.

It's tricky here cos you've got to
slow down then get on the power,

which you've done very well
as you go left

and into what we're calling
The Difficult Bit.

And there we go.

Oh, that's tidy.
That is tidy. Not exuberant.

(CHUCKLES)

(AUDIENCE LAUGHTER)

Through the banked turned, the Gravelsel,
and back down toward the Difficult Bit Two.

I must say you are holding that
very nicely through there.

We had the traction control wound
back so you've got a loose rear end.

Now it goes very slippery.
Oh, nicely held there.

On the power ready to go down the straight
bit that isn't really very straight,

like our other track.

Hell, let's see if
you've got any bottle.

Supposed to be flat through. Oh... that
is actually very quick through there!

That is very nicely done indeed.

Hard on the brakes and
through the last corner

also very nicely and across the line.

- That is tidy!
- (APPLAUSE)

Tidy lap. It was quite good.

- You've got people that are very helpful out there.
- Yeah. Well, they do.

They teach you how, but then you've
got to go solo. You have to do it.

- So how was yours, good fun?
- I loved it.

I didn't want to get out. They
had to peel me out of the car!

- Who'd like to see the lap?
- (CHEERING)

Come on. Let's have a look at Luke's.

(ENGINE REVS)

- (YELLS) Come on!
- (LAUGHTER)

OK, right. Also cutting
the corner, taking it...

I think it's a good idea
to go sl... Oh, ha-ha.

Just about hold it together
and onto the gravel.

Listen to that exhaust popping away,
that's good for a two-litre engine, that.

Oh, exuberant! Coming wide
through there, that looks good.

This gravel is crazy!

It's not necessarily the fastest way to
have the arse of it hanging out like that,

but it does look good.

Right, yeah, looking good
through there as well.

This is keeping it tidier,
this is better.

It can get a bit fish-taily down here if
you're not careful, but it's all right.

And onto the slippery, dusty bit.

Keeping it wide.

Now, flat-out. Do you keep it
flat through the last corner?

Now I should brake, but I'm not gonna.

Are you not gonna brake?
No, you are not!

Oh, though, that is fast,
nearly losing it,

but just got it together in time
to brake for the last corner.

Nicely held through there
and across the line!

- (APPLAUSE)
- Well done.

Well done.

Right. I have got your times here.

(CLEARS THROAT)

So, Kiefer Sutherland,

you did it in one minute... 17.8.

- OK.
- I'll pop that up there, now.

(APPLAUSE)

Luke Evans. One minute...

...21.3.

(CROWD GROANS, APPLAUSE)

So, there's nothing
we can do about that.

LUKE: I loved it.

- Now you're British!
- Oh, great!

(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)

Can't resist it.

So there we are.

Just in case you're thinking, "Oh, no,
I'm gonna have to hang myself..."

- (LAUGHS)
- We've had a 1:24.4. 1:24.1. 1:23.6. 1:23.

You're actually there the fifth fastest.

So that's really not a bad time.

It's just his was stellar,
absolutely stellar.

There we are, ladies and gentlemen,

Luke Evans and the
fastest actor in the world

whose middle name is George,
Kiefer Sutherland!

- (CHEERING)
- Thank you very much.

- (CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
- LUKE: Brilliant!

Now, thank you.

Now, tonight we are proving

that old Jaguars are
reliable and brilliant.

Yep, and we rejoin the action
just as we are about to embark

on one of the biggest challenges
us three have ever faced,

avoiding the expense of ski
passes and hiring all the kit,

by going skiing in our cars.

JEREMY: Easter Sunday, Telluride.

Rich pickings for a man with a Jag.

Hello, my dear.

JEREMY: Having found somewhere to park,

Hammond checked into the hotel.

Check-in please. Thank you. Can
I borrow your pen? Thank you.

WOMAN: You can fill that out.
And right here is your key.

- Room number, Wi-Fi.
- Oh, thank you very much. Thank you.

I, meanwhile, headed for the restaurant.

(GULPS)

(EXHALES)

(GULPS)

It's definitely corked.

(SIGHS) Sorry.

The next morning, it was cold outside.

So, we needed warm clothes for
our trip up the mountains.

James therefore
went shopping, Jag-style.

And I didn't.

Welcome to the hotel, sir. I
could take your... your coat.

Thank you very much.

- Had a pleasant trip?
- Yes. Yes, thank you.

- Your hat?
- Oh, well, thank you.

Perhaps your bag as well,
sir. Thank you very much.

If you'd like to see my colleague on
reception that would be marvellous.

- Excellent.
- Thank you very much. Thank you.

Right, that's my warm weather
gear sorted out.

I actually nicked that idea
from Peter Sellers.

Don't think he'll mind because
of course, he had a Jag.

Once we were fully equipped
with suitable clothing,

we drove straight past the lifts,

and hit the gradients.

Ha-ha, slopes.

Here we go. Speed and power.

Unfortunately, for once, speed and
power didn't seem to do the trick.

Oh... Ski, damn you! Come on ski, Jag!

We're going to have to admit
this isn't working.

Luckily, James then had a brainwave.

(TOOLS CLATTERING)

And down at the resort's workshop,
he borrowed some metal poles,

which he used to
shackle our cars together.

If this works, I'll eat my own head.

Six-wheel drive, all at the same time.

Right, everybody select drive
in three, two, one... Gently.

(POLES CLANKING)

Yes! I think we've got this.

(LAUGHS) Yeah!

We're like The Human Centipede!

Yeah, no, I got that wrong.

(CARS BUMPING)

Oh, hello... James is going a bit skewy.
I'll give him more power.

(ENGINE REVVING)

Hammond, you're jack-knifing
me towards the edge.

Or Clarkson, one of you, somebody.

I'm not doing anything! You're steering.

You're at the front. You're
the head of this caterpillar!

JAMES: I'm not steering!
You are. It's jack-Kn*fe...

No, it's the edge! Stop, stop!

JAMES: Right, everybody in reverse.

Three, two, one, gently go.

- Jeremy, where are you going?
- You're the one that steers us going backwards.

I wasn't steering you
that way, why are you there?

- You've jack-knifed us Hammond, you stupid idiot!
- I'm not doing that!

I'm not!

Eventually, after much bickering...

JEREMY: You're pushing me over
the edge, you blithering...

JAMES: When you're going
backwards, you're steering you.

- Whose idea was this?
- Hammond, you're doing it again.

...we started to get the hang of it.

I knew this would work. All you got
to do is co-ordinate the brains.

This is what comes from many,
many years of working together,

that intuitive bond that links us.

Bond of hatred.

JEREMY: And there we are, the summit.

12,500 feet.

We have made it!

JAMES: Ho-ho!

Good. Right, let's unhitch.

JEREMY: Having bypassed the lifts and
cable cars, it was time to start skiing.

Which was a bit of a worry.

Don't look over that edge.

But there's a bit of...
It gets really steep.

RICHARD: People do this for fun, yeah?

- JAMES: Not in old Jags.
- Oh, yeah, you're right.

If you went wrong here, look. You'd have
time to phone your insurance company.

RICHARD: You'd start
filling the form out.

There's the airfield, look.

RICHARD: I can see Heathrow from here.

JEREMY: But, since the only way
down was down, we set off.

Gingerly.

Just an ordinary drive.
Just an ordinary drive.

Oh... Oh.

Jeez, that's... Don't look.

Erm... there's an... Oh, God.

It's in case I need to bail out.

Steering wheel's working a bit... Ah!

Ooh!

Oh, gawd. What you've got to be wary
of is losing the back of the car.

Ooh! Oh, cripes.

Practise braking. Practise braking.

Nothing.

Just going to write a book while
we don't stop. Still not stopping.

Picking up speed! Oh, my God!

JEREMY: Got no control now.

(YELLS) Ah... it won't stop!

I'm going to hit that tree.
There's nothing... No.

Jesus Christ!

Mercifully, the gradient
eventually levelled out,

but then it became very narrow.

Oh, my God!
Look at the drop on our left.

JAMES: Holy sh*t.

It's... Oh, God.

(GASPS) Oh! That's genuinely alarming!

JEREMY: I'm crabbing.

Bloody hell.

Just, why don't you just go
in a straight line?

Just please, just briefly... (GASPS)

JEREMY: James, is your car crabbing
as well for absolutely no reason?

JAMES: Yeah, it's absolutely terrifying.

RICHARD: Oh. Oh.

Don't look at the view.
Don't look at the drop.

(GASPS)

JEREMY: (BEEP) ing hell, this is scary.

Ah... oh.

(GASPS) Oh, sh*t. sh*t, sh*t!

Having not fallen over
the terrifying drop,

we then had to drive down one.

Holy mother of God!

Oh, my God!

Oh, my giddy aunt.

This is quick now.

Oh-ho-ho!

I'm gonna change up a gear. That was a
mistake. That was a massive mistake.

Just go in a straight line, you bastard.

Turn, turn, turn, turn, turn.

(YELLS) Oh!

But none of us d*ed, and then
Jag-skiing started to come together.

Oh, yes, I'm slalom skiing now is what
I'm doing, and I'm doing it well!

Ya-ha-ha!

JAMES: Ho-ho!

And let's be honest,
after one day on normal skis,

you'd still be pretty rubbish.

Whereas here,
we are absolutely brilliant.

Love to do this with other people
on the slopes at the same time.

Could actually run into a snowboarder.

"Oh, I'm sorry, was that annoying?

Now you know what it feels like."

Eventually, we started on the
final leg down into the town,

and Richard and I
got into a bit of a race.

Come on. Come on, come on,
come on, come on.

Give me a little bit more go.

Oh, bumpy, oh, very bumpy. Very bumpy.

- Oh, yes.
- Oh, no!

Whoa, that was a biggy!

Meanwhile, a little further back...

Oh, gawd! I've got
a brake warning light on.

I don't know what that means. Pad wear?
System failure? God knows.

JEREMY: There's the town.

We're coming in hot and stylishly.

And we wouldn't have to walk
to the hotel in silly boots.

We'd simply drive there.

Oh, hello.

Whoa!

(YELLS) Whaagh!

RICHARD: Oh-ho-ho-no!

JEREMY: Oh ho-ho-ho!
Oh, there's been an accident.

(ENGINE REVS)

- RICHARD: Ah.
- JEREMY: Damn.

RICHARD: Right.

Only we...

No, look, we meant to park
them there, they look good.

JAMES: Oh, no!

Just keep working, brakes, for
another ten seconds or so.

Exactly where we wanted them to be,

and that's where they are,
and that's good.

Er... anyway, the thing is that
we got here... well, there,

without a single problem, and
with a very definite conclusion.

- Buy an XJR.
- Whoa, no, hang on!

The point of this exercise was to
demonstrate Jaguar's reliability as a make.

Yes, but we have, and we've also...

What? Oh.

(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)

Oh, er...

(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)

Brilliant, so we get
all the way to the very end,

and then you ruin it.

It was hardly my fault,
was it? The brakes failed!

- (LAUGHTER)
- But now you've just told everybody!

And now they all think that Jaguars
have faults, and they won't buy one.

Which means this entire programme
has been a complete waste of time.

And on that terrible
disappointment, it's time to end.

Thank you so much for watching,
see you next time. Goodbye.

(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)