02x07 - It's a gas, gas, gas

[bunniefuu]

(TRAIN WHISTLE)

(ENGINE DRONING)

(CHEERING)

- Here we go.
- Hello!

Greetings, everybody! Thank you.

- Thanks very much.
- Hello.

JEREMY: Hello. Hello.

- Hello, everybody.
- Hello.

(CHEERING CONTINUES)

RICHARD: Thank you. Thank you.

- JEREMY: Loud!
- That's a big one.

JEREMY: Thank you so much!

Welcome. And in this edition of the
world's most exciting motoring show...

..a maroon Skoda...

..a silver car of some sort...

..and an elderly German man
says, "I don't like jumps."

I-I don't like jumps.

(CHEERING)

- There's a lot.
- It's a good one. Good one.

And there's that diarrhoea-coloured
Audi as well, isn't there?

Yeah. Yeah, there's that.

- And you k*ll a Chinese person.
- (LAUGHTER)

But we start with Lamborghini.

They've just launched a more hard-core,

more exciting version of the Huracán,

and Richard Hammond was
very keen to try it out.

- I was.
- Yeah, he was.

So we put the air ambulance
on standby...

(LAUGHTER)

..and off he went.

RICHARD: Here it is.

It's called the Huracán Performante.

And whereas the standard
Huracán costs £155,000,

this version comes in at £208,000.

So what do you get
for the extra £50,000?

Well, to be honest, on paper, not a lot.

You only get 29 more horsepower,

up from 602 to 631.

And 30 more torques.

Hm.

So, while the original

tops out at 202 miles an hour,

this can do, erm, the same.

And the 0-60 time

goes down by a whopping
two tenths of a second,

from 3.1 to 2.9.

Now, admittedly, we are starting
from a very high baseline,

and you have probably just seen some
pictures of a car going very fast.

But... 55 grand more?

When do you start seeing
something for your money?

Fortunately, in quite a few places.

For starters, some proper work has
gone into making the Performante

look more dramatic
than a normal Huracán.

This car has much more of the
get-your-camera-phone-out appeal

you expect from a Lamborghini.

I particularly like the
material this wing's made from.

It's actually chopped-up carbon
fibre bonded in a resin.

So not only does it look rather
good, it's also very light.

And because they've used
it all over the place,

they've shaved 40kg off
the weight of the car.

And you would notice
that on a mountain road.

And then we come to the soundtrack.

Again, if we compare it to the standard
car, the Huracán makes an OK noise.

But the Performante comes with
a new exhaust, and that...

(REVVING)

Oh-ho!

That is awesome, that is!

Love the sound of a V10.

Like having 10,000 wolves at your back.

(LAUGHS)

But there's more to the Performante
than just animalistic howling.

The car is also equipped with something
called Aerodinamica Lamborghini Attiva,

or ALA for short.

And what it claims to be is a
very clever aerodynamic system.

Basically, you have moving
flaps in the front spoiler,

and moving air ducts at the back that
control the airflow to the rear wing.

Now, if you want to go fast in a
straight line, you need less downforce,

so the ducts open so they
direct more air under the wing.

Right, so, fast in a straight line.

That's as good an excuse for a
gratuitous drag race as we've ever had.

Just a shame there isn't
some local motorist

out for a drive
in a Ferrari 458 Speciale,

or... something... something that...

Oh, what a stroke of luck!

- Morning.
- Fancy seeing you here.

Yeah. To be honest,
I was just out for a drive

and I stopped to sort of, you know,

marvel at the mystery
and wonder of God's creation.

Yeah. Well,
I don't know if you're aware,

but you happen to have pulled up
on the start line of a drag race.

- Have I?
- Yeah.

RICHARD: Seeing as
our cars are so similar,

would you mind accompanying me
to the other end of this runway

in a drag-race-type fashion?

- Yeah, all right.
- Excellent.

Good.

It's just worked out that way today.

That's blind luck that
that man happened to be in...

in... in the logical
competitor for this car.

(REVVING)

And we are away!

Avanti!

That aero now doing its business to
make this thing as fast as possible...

in a straight line.

And, dear God!

(LAUGHS)

- Ha!
- Oh, no!

I b*at the local man in his 458
Speciale, by some considerable margin.

But the Lambo's clever aero
system is equally impressive

when you get to the end of a
straight and arrive at a corner.

(TYRES SQUEAL)

Oh!

As I go into a corner, I need more
downforce to give me more grip.

So the flaps and ducts are
adjusting to do just that.

(TYRES SQUEAL)

It's pressing down, it's giving it grip.

More than that, it can
operate individual sides

so it can work individual wheels
mid-corner to dial up the grip.

That's clever. Very, very clever.

(TYRES SQUEAL)

And let me give you some hard
evidence of just how clever.

The Porsche 918, my favourite
out-of-this-world hypercar,

went round the Nurburgring in
six minutes and 57 seconds.

This thing, five seconds quicker.

As a driving machine, the Performante
is one hell of an experience.

But there's even more to it than that.

What Lamborghini have done with
this is hit a real sweet spot.

It can corner like a race car

and shatter trees with its engine noise,

but it hasn't been turned into some
hard-core track-day abomination.

I've got air-con and Apple
connecty stuff in here.

In the comfort sense, it's very much
like driving a standard Huracán.

And that last point is why
this car is so special.

A lifetime ago, on a car show
in a galaxy far, far away,

I reviewed the original Huracán
and was left feeling a bit sad

because it lacked that drama,
that thrill-delivery system

that a Lamborghini should have and be.

Well, finally it's here. The
whole package is complete.

This is what the Huracán should
have been from the start.

It's brilliant.

(CHEERING)

RICHARD: That was
a really... amazing thing.

I don't see how Ferrari
always lose a race...

when it's some punter's car, and
when they provide the car, they win.

RICHARD: Amazing, isn't it?

I actually, erm...

I drove a Performante the other day,

and I pulled out to overtake a Peugeot,

put my foot down,
and the noise was so enormous

I genuinely believed the
engine had actually exploded.

- (LAUGHTER)
- I've never heard a sound like it.

It is pretty loud.

But it's not pretty loud,
it's incredibly loud.

It can't possibly pass any,
you know, regulations.

- It doesn't need to be, it's Italian.
- It is Italian, that's true.

It's also... It's also fantastic.

I think I'm right in... No,
I know I'm right in saying

it's currently my favourite
supercar of the moment.

Oh, it's definitely mine. Supercar.

Absolutely adorable, it really is.

Anyway, we must now find how fast
it goes round the Eboladrome.

- (REVVING)
- Come on, let's have it!

JEREMY: And she's off!

A searing start, and a ferocious howl

as the Huracán powers
onto the Isn't Straight.

Grabbing at the gears to keep
that amazing V10 on song.

And carrying some serious
speed through there.

No let-up as she drives down
towards Your Name Here.

Despite being the hard-core model,

the Performante is still four-wheel-drive
like the standard Huracán.

And that clearly translates
into serious mechanical grip.

Now, unleashing all 631 horsepower
for the blast back down the Isn't.

You really can't b*at a normally-aspirated
engine for sheer visceral wailing.

It's superb.

Old Lady's House.

Grip, and that active aero
trickery staving off understeer.

On the bumpy run down to Substation.

Is it going to be OK through there?

Yep, absolutely no problem working
the carbon-ceramic brakes.

Flies round Field of Sheep
and across the line!

(CHEERING)

- That looked good. That looked fast.
- It looks quick.

- Is it, though?
- Yeah, that's it.

- That was properly... darting.
- It looked it.

Anyway,

we must now find out

how far up the board

the Huracán goes.

RICHARD: Oh, hello. Oh, hang on. Oh-ho!

- (CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)
- JEREMY: Bloody hell.

One sixteen-eight - that's the fastest
road-legal car we've ever had round there.

- It's not road-legal.
- It's Italian.

- Same thing.
- Everything in Italian's road-legal.

Anyway, it is now time for us to
plant some daffodils of opinion

on the roundabout of chat at the
end of Conversation Street.

- (JAZZ MUSIC)
- (LAUGHTER)

Sorry.

- (LAUGHTER)
- So sorry.

That's the best thing that's
going to come out of your mouth

for the next seven minutes.

Ouch!

So erm, conversation,
sticking with supercars.

Many new ones have arrived
recently, and we have one here.

If you have a look,
that is the Devel Sixteen.

Now, that's a 12.3-litre
V16 quad-turbo engine.

It's two Chevy engines glued together.

And it has a top speed, according to
the makers, of 320 miles an hour.

(SCOFFS) Really?

- Three hundred and...
- That's what they say.

You can test that one, Hammond.

- Three hundred and twenty?
- That's what they say.

Anyway, if you don't fancy
the Devel Sixteen,

you could try the
Ikeya Formula IF-02RDS,

the Apollo Intensa Emozione,

the er, Dallara Stradale,

the er, Aspark Owl.

What? The what? Owl?

- The Aspark Owl, yes.
- You can't call a car an Owl.

- (LAUGHTER)
- JAMES: The Vencer Sarthe,

the Arrinera Hussarya,

the Mazzanti Evantra Millecavalli,

and the Hennessey Venom.

No, I'm sorry, this is just ridiculous.
Seriously, they're all new supercars?

- They're all new supercars.
- That's absurd!

- And then, from America...
- Oh, God!

..there's the Glickenhaus SCG 004S.

And from Denmark, the Zenvo TS1 GT.

Right, we've got the idea. Every single
person in the world has suddenly decided,

"You know, I can make
a supercar myself."

Yeah, it looks that way. Yeah.

The problem I've got with all of this is

it's not like we're
spoiled for choice already.

I mean, you've got Ferrari, Lamborghini,

you've got Bugatti,
McLaren, Ford, even Audi.

Yeah, but what if you want
a supercar with no heritage

that's built in someone's shed?

If that's what you really want.

- And that you can't get serviced anywhere.
- RICHARD: Exactly.

Did any car there appeal to anyone here?

(CROWD MURMURS)

You'd all rather have a Lamborghini
Performante than anything there?

So that's total failure
for all those people.

What you've just looked at there
is 27 future bankruptcies.

(LAUGHTER)

Now, we have always argued
that women, whatever they say,

are impressed when a man performs a
perfectly ex*cuted handbrake turn.

Oh, it's absolutely true.

We've all been watching Sir Attenborough's
fish programme, haven't we, yeah?

Yeah, Blue Planet. Unbelievable, OK?

Now, the thing is, every
single week you see, OK,

man fish comes along
with his lady fish there.

Man fish can make his face swell up -
it's huge - like a satellite dish.

Lady fish: "I'm not bothered.
I'm not bothered."

- But she is. She is.
- RICHARD: Yeah.

And then she's going,
"I like his huge face,"

and then they do sex, or whatever it
is fish do, and then they have babies.

Now, that massive face
that a fish can do,

that's basically the same
as the handbrake turn.

- (LAUGHTER)
- All those birds that dance about.

We've got the handbrake,
birds can dance about.

- It's all part of nature's dance of love.
- Exactly.

But the problem has been, of course, most
modern cars now have electronic handbrakes.

You can't do a handbrake turn
with one of those.

That's why Tinder's become so big.

- Yeah, you have to...
- (LAUGHTER)

You have to swipe right because
you can't slide left any more.

- That's what's going on.
- Well, so that's been the problem.

With electronic handbrakes we
can't conduct this mating ritual.

Ford have noticed this, given it some
thought, and they've come up with this.

It's an after-market part
that you fit to your car.

They call it the drift stick.

- Oh, they ought to call it the love handle.
- Yeah.

(LAUGHTER)

But the point is, what it
does, it overrides the ABS,

and you can actually perform
proper handbrake turns in that.

Girls are going to say,
if you pull that,

"That was ridiculous
and you frightened me."

- What they actually mean is, "I'm hot."
- Yeah.

- (LAUGHTER)
- Come on. Yeah, admit it.

- You're impressed by a handbrake turn, aren't you?
- Just the thought of it.

If you say no, that's just part of it.

I've never been in a car with...

You've never been in a car with
someone who's done a handbrake turn?

- Oh, hello!
- (LAUGHTER)

JEREMY: Ooh!

Are you together?

RICHARD: What are you doing,
man? What's wrong with you?

What is wrong with you? How do you...?

You drove here today,
huge fields everywhere.

You didn't think,
"I'll give it some of that"?

RICHARD: Get out there and impress her.

On the way out... Just mind the sheep.

Right, listen. Bentley has announced

a new version of their big
four-by-four, the Bentayga, OK?

Er... Which they say
is for sh**ting enthusiasts.

We've got a picture here, look. It's
got this kind of chest in the back

which has, you know, space for your
g*ns and refreshments, and so on.

However, I know that whoever designed that
has never been sh**ting in their lives.

How do you know?

Well, because if we examine the refreshments
that have been photographed here,

you will find that they
have fitted it with...

rose lemonade and elderflower juice.

- (LAUGHTER)
- Now, I'm sorry to say...

No, I'm sorry to have to say this, but
has anyone here been sh**ting ever?

- (MURMURING)
- Yeah, you have?

As you will know, a sh**ting
day is an armed drinks party.

- There's no place for sh*t like that.
- (LAUGHTER)

You turn up with elderflower juice at
a sh**t and the host will sh**t you.

- What?
- WOMAN: Middle East market.

- Middle Eastern market?
- Oh, she might have a point with that.

Could be.

Don't come here with your bloody
sensible, rational views.

(LAUGHTER)

No, actually it's funny you should
mention the Middle Eastern market,

because they've also done one for
fly-fishing, which happens in the Yemen.

- Yeah.
- (LAUGHTER)

- JAMES: It does.
- (LAUGHTER CONTINUES)

(APPLAUSE)

JEREMY: And it gets better.

And falconry.

And falconry's really big
in the Middle East.

What about dogging?

(LAUGHTER)

- What about dogging?
- Well, why don't they do one for dogging?

It's a countryside pursuit, and more people
do that than do falconry, don't they?

- Well, yeah, you're prob... probably right.
- Yeah.

- From what I've heard.
- RICHARD: Well, they should.

- But what would you have in a dogging Bentayga, then?
- (LAUGHTER)

Well, you'd open the drawers
and there'd be like...

- MAN: Wet wipes.
- Wet wipes!

- (LAUGHTER)
- Wet wipes. Good one.

- RICHARD: Straight away.
- JEREMY: Yeah, wet wipes. Good one.

- Condoms.
- JEREMY: Yeah.

Condoms. Maybe like a camera
and a whip, or something.

No, on the... I reckon, on the basis of Bentley
thinking that's a sh**ting, er, chest,

that a Bentley dogging Bentayga,

they would literally have
a blanket, a bowl and a lead.

(LAUGHS)

Now, two US Navy aircrew
people have been in trouble,

er... for using the vapour trail
from the back of their fighter jet

to paint pictures in the sky.

We've got a sh*t of their work here.

- JEREMY: Erm...
- RICHARD: Oh, it's...

That's good work. It's
very neat. It's neatly done.

JEREMY: It is neatly done. Now...

Vice Admiral Mike Shoemaker - obviously from
the US Navy - he's not happy about this.

He says, "Immature acts of a sexual
nature have no place in naval aviation."

Well, I'm sorry, but the plane they
were flying when they did that

is called the F-18 Growler.

(LAUGHTER)

If the US Navy is going
to call its plane a Growler,

they can't really complain

when the pilots go and make

pictures like that in the sky, can they?

No. And to be clear, if you're American
and you don't know why we're laughing,

it's the same as, erm,
US troops in Iraq laughed

when British soldiers
were being transported around

in what we call a Snatch Land Rover.

- (LAUGHTER)
- RICHARD: It's the same joke.

"Hey, you're in a Snatch!"

"Yeah, and you're flying around
in a Growler, so shut up."

Anyway, if those two US aircrew
do get fired and are bored,

you are more than welcome to come on
this show anytime. We'd love to see you.

Yes, you are. We like immature
acts of a sexual nature.

- We do, yeah. Yeah.
- (LAUGHTER)

And that's it for Conversation
Street this week.

JAMES: Thank you.

Thank you so much.

Thank you.

Now, there are many unpleasant
aspects to modern motoring,

such as Peugeots, speed
cameras, drive-by sh**t.

But by far the worst of them, we think,
is having to stop to fill up with fuel.

No, it is. It is the worst thing.

It's particularly annoying if the person
at the pump in front of you fills

and then goes inside to do a
weekly shop for a family of seven.

Yes. Now, we did some
scientific research on this,

and we discovered
that the average motorist

spends 36 days of their life
filling up with fuel.

And that got us thinking.

What if you didn't have
to stop for petrol at all?

JAMES: In order to cr*ck this
problem, we've come here...

..to the Grand Tour special
high-intensity test track.

And it's here that we've come
up with our ingenious solution

to ending the misery
of fuel stop fill-ups.

Allow me.

Yes, welcome, everybody,

to the world's first
vehicle-to-vehicle refuelling vehicle.

To create this incredible machine,

we've taken our inspiration from the
world of air-to-air refuelling.

And it will, quite simply,
make petrol stations obsolete.

Now, the driver sits up here as normal,

but this is where
the fuel pump attendant -

which in this case is me -
sits with all the controls,

everything you need, for a
spot of car-to-car refuelling.

Absolutely. And we are so
pleased with our creation

that we are going to let the
machine itself do the talking

with a real-world,
world-first, first ever...

- Yeah, we got that.
- ...inaugural demonstration.

OK, so, here I am on the motorway.

Oh, no. I need petrol.

And I make contact with
James's refuelling vehicle,

probably via an app or something.

There's always an app.
We'll get a kid to do that.

And there he is now.

Here comes my first customer
now, down the motorway.

I'm going to know it's him
who needs my services.

There'll be an app
or something for that.

I've got a range of fuels:
unleaded, super unleaded, diesel.

Here we go.

Bringing down the fuel-o-meter arm.

Now, this tells Richard Hammond how
much fuel he's taking on board

and how much it's costing, and just
as importantly it gives him a marker

where to pull up in relation to the van.

It's all been carefully calculated
using science... and stuff.

JAMES: Pivoting. Pivoting.

Coming in to open filler flap.

(WHIRRING)

Already the heady fumes of
success are filling my nostrils.

Think about it. You're on
your way to that meeting.

You're not stuck in a petrol station queue
- oh, no - because you are a winner.

You are going to make that meeting.

This is the key to your success.

- (GLASS SHATTERS)
- What?

JAMES: Sorry! Think of it
as a business opportunity.

- Car-to-car window replacement.
- Oh, brilliant!

Hold steady. Finger extending again.

(WHIRRING)

I've got it.

Oh! Cocking Nora.

Yeah, we're... nearly there.

RICHARD: Having successfully
opened the filler flap,

it was time for phase two:
unscrewing the fuel cap.

(WHIRRING)

Passengers would love this.

Think of the kids. I mean,
they would love watching this.

JAMES: Fuel cap is removed.

Extending fuel nozzle.

(WHIRRING)

I'll be as steady as I can.

Back a little bit.

Yeah, there it is!

- (METALLIC CLUNK)
- We are pumping!

Yeah, we are pumping gas! Oh, yeah!

It works!

Oh, sh*t!

What's happened?

Hammond, right, you're on fire!

- Bail out!
- Oh, no.

James, you bloody idiot!

RICHARD: Clearly, this system
had a couple of issues.

So we reconvened a few days
later with a new solution.

OK, second time lucky.

We think the problem with
the car-to-car refueller

was there was a bit too much
tech, too much to go wrong.

So we've scaled back on that front.

And there's James now.

- Red light, on.
- (BUZZER)

Activating door release.

(BEEP)

Now, what we're using here is
Chinese acrobats from the circus.

Circuses get a lot of downtime,
so that's a win-win all around.

They are going to refuel Hammond's car.

- Watch this. Green light.
- (BUZZER)

He's on.

I'm not stopped. I just carry on.

Look at that. It's like being
refuelled by Spider-Man.

The genius of this is we've made
the petrol pump attendant mobile,

rather than the petrol pump itself.

It's much cheaper, it's safer.

Right, that chap's pretty
much exhausted his supply.

- Time to send the second man.
- (BUZZER)

- OK, Hammond, pull up for acrobat number two, please.
- (OVER RADIO) Right-o.

Oh...

RICHARD: Clearly, there were
also some flaws in this method.

So we went back to the drawing
board, and a few days later...

OK, we have had
a total grass-roots rethink.

And, well, fingers crossed
for third time lucky.

Check this out, viewers!

What this is is one of those
specialist airport vehicles

that normally goes around doing,
you know, airporty-type stuff.

But it also, as you can see, makes a perfect
platform for a mobile fuel station.

This really is genius. This time.

Here we go.

Oh, yeah. Ramp's going down.

Ready to commence docking.

Right. I've never done this. I don't know
if it's going to work. I'm hoping it does.

(CLANGING)

I'm on! I haven't been k*lled!

There you go. You see,
no exploding acrobats,

no cars having to keep
perfect station or anything.

Hammond can refuel at leisure.

He can even have a cup of coffee.

So, that's it. My car is refuelled
and I haven't stopped my journey.

I'm still on my way.

(OVER LOUDSPEAKER) Thank you
for using Fuel Port.

Please continue to enjoy your journey.

(RICHARD SIGHS)

Ready for disembarkation.
Now, this is a bit tricky.

This is precision stuff.

Oh, God.

It's a good job Hammond's not the
sort of person who has accidents.

OK, here I go.

And we're off! (LAUGHS)

It only works!

Yes!

(LAUGHS)

We did something, and we did it well!

Motorists of the world,
you may have your lives back.

(CHEERING)

- Very, very impressed.
- (APPLAUSE CONTINUES)

RICHARD: Yep, saved the world.

Oh, yeah.

- Credit where it's due.
- It worked.

And I have to say, what staggers me

is that even without me helping,

because I was in hospital at the time,

you managed to get
something that worked.

No, it worked because
you were in hospital.

- RICHARD: It's connected, yeah.
- Whatever.

You've gifted everybody here
another 36 days of life,

and not even the Baby Jesus
could manage that.

So well done, you.

But we did k*ll a Chinese man. Sorry.

Yes, and I think we should take a
moment now to remember his sacrifice.

(LAUGHTER)

(LAUGHTER)

- Hammond, if you k*lled a man, you can't be impatient.
- I'm sorry! I-I did it.

- We'll gloss over it.
- It was a short sacrifice, wasn't it?

Anyway, listen, it's time now
for Celebrity Face Off!

(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)

Once again,
we are asking a big question.

And it's this:

who is the fastest person in the world

who earns a living from punching
and strangling other men?

- (LAUGHTER)
- To help us find out,

please welcome Anthony Joshua
and Bill Goldberg!

(CHEERING)

Bloody hell.

They're getting nearer!

- How the hell are you?
- I'm well. You?

- Very well. How are you?
- How are you, sir?

I'm very well. Do...

It's the land of the giants!

(CHEERING)

- Ah, look at that!
- JEREMY: You can feel the oestrogen, can't you?

This... It's like Loose Women.

- (LAUGHTER)
- What?

And for the first time in my life
I actually feel like a midget.

- (LAUGHTER)
- Yeah.

No, I mean, this guy, he's...
Well, you're... But he's...

- Massive. He's a unit.
- How tall are you?

- "A unit"! Thank you.
- He's a unit.

Yeah, he is, but you're, what, six...

Six-six.

Yeah, I think that's just
ridiculous, personally. Erm...

See, I've been hit in the head
with chairs too many times.

I used to be 6'6". I'm only 6'3" now.

The make-up girl was saying she's never
seen a head with more scars on it.

- I'll take that as a compliment.
- (LAUGHTER)

I'm slightly out of my
comfort zone here, chaps,

because boxing and wrestling are not...

I'm not really an expert in either,

so I hope you can guide me
through some of the things.

- Er... You're obviously the boxist. We do know that.
- (LAUGHTER)

One thing that really interests
me is you get hit, obviously.

- Yeah, yeah.
- How much does it hurt?

Do you know what it is, what I've learned?
I was thinking about this the other day.

It's like, you know, as an
athlete you can look amazing,

be in the best shape, you can
be the tallest, the strongest.

But it's when you start getting hit you
question, "Do I really want to do this?"

You've fought on with a broken
nose, though, haven't you?

Yeah, my last fight.
My last fight, strong guy.

Erm... But it wasn't planned.
It's never happened before.

- You know?
- Well, I do.

- Not what he does!
- Yeah.

- "Can you break my nose in the second round?"
- (LAUGHTER)

I thought the ref was going to give me five
minutes to get myself together, but no.

"You all right?" "Yeah."
"Carry on." And that was it.

And if I don't carry on, then
I lose my titles and so on.

You went on and won the fight
with a broken nose? Yeah.

- Just say yes.
- Yes, I won. I battered him.

(LAUGHTER AND CHEERING)

- (BILL ROARS)
- (ANTHONY LAUGHS)

JEREMY: Now, Bill...

We had wrestling here - and anyone in the
audience who's my age will remember it -

and it was largely a sort of
fat woman called Shirley

would sit on another man's face, and the old
women would jump up and down and shout.

- Hasn't changed a bit.
- (LAUGHTER)

Is it pre-planned?

- It's predetermined. Yes, it is. Yes, it is.
- (GASPS)

- Well, I said that on. Hey...
- (AUDIENCE BOOING)

Hey, I said that on...

I said that on Leno 20 years ago.

ANTHONY: OK, OK. (LAUGHS)

But, you know, I like to tell
people it's predetermined, OK.

You know who's going to win, who's going to
lose, how long the match is supposed to be.

But when I wrestled
The Giant, the Big Show...

- Wow.
- ...he weighed 525lb.

And when I picked him upside down,

it didn't mean, since it was
predetermined, that he was any lighter.

- (LAUGHTER)
- ANTHONY: Yeah, yeah, yeah.

It didn't mean when he picked me
up and threw me through the ground

that it was going to be softer.

You know? You know it's going to happen,
but it doesn't decrease the pain.

So you can strangle people, can't you?

- You can do anything you like in wrestling.
- Yeah, that's the best part.

I can actually do that in public,
too, and get away with it.

- Now I'm like... (LAUGHS)
- Not with you. You're my...

You can only hit and bite.

No, I can't bite. Because
Tyson bit, I can't bite.

Tyson bit. He was a bitey person.
The Luis Suárez.

He was an exception - in a
league of his own, Mike Tyson.

- BILL: He was an animal.
- He was an animal.

Now, one of the things that fascinates me
about both your disciplines of fighting

is the amount you eat - the calories
you have to bung in every day.

When I got the phone call last year

to go back to wrestling for
the first time in 12 years,

I had to cover
a lot of ground very quickly.

So I had to eat
as much as humanly possible,

um, and I had to train as
much as humanly possible.

I'd eat 15,000-20,000 calories a day
and I'd train three times a day.

- Fifteen? I mean, that...
- Seriously, that's a lot.

- Do you eat that much?
- I can't compete with that. That's amazing.

- That's dedication in itself.
- We got a request from the girls in the office

for photographs of you without
clothes on, basically - there.

(LAUGHTER)

I eat a lot, but I don't look like that.

(LAUGHTER)

I was explaining to the girls
in the office, though,

that you've both got penises
like button mushrooms, so...

(LAUGHTER)

- How'd he know?
- (LAUGHTER)

I just... Really.

Can we talk about cars?
This being a car show.

- Yes.
- Please.

Now you both started
with General Motors.

You - I think we've got a picture
of it - with a Pontiac Trans Am.

- ANTHONY: Is that what you started with?
- That's what he started with.

And you started with a General Motors
car, which was a Vauxhall Astra.

(LAUGHTER)

- Nice!
- Do you like it?

It's almost like if somebody said,

"What's the difference, then, between America
and Britain? You speak the same language."

- Well, there it is: the Astra and the Trans Am.
- ANTHONY: There it is.

Er... And you both modified cars.

- To a certain degree.
- To a certain degree.

To an extreme degree.

One of yours, you put an
800-horsepower NASCAR motor in.

Anthony, you modified your Astra
because you put a DVD player in it.

(LAUGHTER)

- Which is slightly different.
- ANTHONY: Yeah!

- (GROANS) I told you.
- And then after that...

All I can say is if he beats me
on the lap I'm k*lling myself

by jumping through that window.

Yeah.

After that, you really haven't got
anything in common with cars at all.

I mean, it's just... It's extraordinary.
It really is.

Have either of you ever crashed?

- Have you crashed?
- Oh, yes, absolutely.

- A few times?
- Maybe, yeah.

What's your best crash?

There is an old story about -
since we drove a Jaguar today...

Erm... My brother is a car collector,

and he had a XK-E
that I just absolutely loved,

but he wouldn't let me drive
the XK-E a lot.

And... back in '85 when
Fort Lauderdale, Florida,

was the place to go for spring break,

he leaves one night and says, "Whatever you
do, don't take the Jag to Fort Lauderdale."

Well... what do you think
I did, ladies and gentlemen?

Fast forward a little bit, we're
looking for a parking space,

and the buddy in the backseat
proceeds to open the door

to jump out and find a parking space,

and simultaneously
a motorcyclist came by

and flipped over the door and
bent it backwards, and so...

That serves them right
for being on a motorcycle.

(LAUGHTER)

So, have you ever crashed one?

It's not as crazy as that.
Just me and my cousin.

You know, I went and got my little
DVD player from Wembley Market,

if anyone knows there, you know?

A little £50 DVD player, but it was...
it was life to me.

So we bought the CDs that you just...

You can watch your little
hip-hop music videos and stuff.

So, we're cruising.

And, mysteriously, someone placed a car
in front of me at a traffic light.

- So er...
- (LAUGHTER)

How did that happen?

I've looked down for a split second.

- Yeah.
- (LAUGHTER)

Bang! Straight into the back.

Yeah, but the DVD player on the
insurance form wasn't on, was it?

- It wasn't on. That was fine.
- No, it definitely wasn't on.

But we lived to tell the story.

Now, I'm afraid, we're going to park
you, Anthony, just for a second,

because your collection of cars
now, Bill, is simply unbelievable.

- I mean, I've got the list.
- Let me see.

We're not talking about... You know, we're
not talking about Mini Metros here.

(LAUGHTER)

I mean, we start back in '46
with a Willys Jeep,

the Chevy Biscayne,
the Ford Thunderbird,

Dodge 330, the Cobra Replica,

Mercury truck, Plymouth GTX,
Plymouth GTX Convertible,

Dodge Hemi Charger, Chevy Blazer, GTO,

Pontiac Trans Am Pro Touring racing car,

Dodge Ram, Cadillac Escalade,

F250, Dodge Challenger
Hellcat, Charger Hellcat.

Why haven't you got any European
cars, which are vastly superior?

- I do. There's a Porsche 911 Turbo.
- Yes, there is, you're right.

'92 Turbo. I've had
a couple of Ferraris.

So you've got a Volkswagen Beetle
and no other European cars?

Bill, I think you're just being r*cist,
frankly, with your choice of cars here,

because this is just so American.

Right, we're going
to talk about your laps.

- How was it out there?
- It's not easy. It was fun, though.

You say it's not easy. Would anyone like to
see a clip of Anthony finding it not easy?

AUDIENCE: Yes.

OK, this is the last corner.
It's a 90-right, OK?

And here comes Anthony...

- Oh, great.
- ...not making it look easy.

(TYRES SQUEAL)

(ANTHONY LAUGHS)

JEREMY: That is a wide line
through there, Anthony.

So you saw what I did and
tried to copy me, right? Ah!

- (ANTHONY LAUGHS)
- Well, it's funny you should say that.

Because you know they say everything
is bigger and more impressive

when it's American than if it's British?

- Would you like...
- Play the clip!

- JEREMY: Exactly.
- (LAUGHTER)

JEREMY: That is some
serious speed. (LAUGHS)

Oh, no!

- Yes!
- (CHEERING)

JEREMY: That is, erm...

- If you're going to screw up, screw up big time.
- (LAUGHTER)

It's interesting that
both of you went off on that.

Nobody's had trouble with
that corner before.

- Nobody's had trouble? I don't believe you.
- No. Then both of you.

It's that, "I'm going to..."

Yeah, it was the last corner to
make up time for all our screw-ups.

I'm trying to work out whose lap we're going
to see first. Let's start off with...

- Let's see Bill's. Let's have a look at Bill's lap.
- BILL: Eurgh!

Anthony Joshua,
you're next, mother-(BLEEP).

(LAUGHTER)

(YELLS)

JEREMY: And there he goes!
He is underway.

Looking good. Oh,
cutting the corner nicely.

Now, you should slow
through here a little bit.

- BILL: First time I've ever been on the right-hand side.
- JEREMY: The correct side.

And now, as we go onto the gravel,
starts to get very loose here.

- BILL: First time I've ever been on the gravel, also.
- JEREMY: Yeah. Yeah.

That's actually very tightly done.

I drive like a (BLEEP)
old lady around here.

(LAUGHTER)

JEREMY: Oh, actually, that is not
particularly quick through there.

I was told you were
very fast on the Tarmac,

but not brilliantly quick on the gravel.

- Well, I could have told you that!
- (LAUGHTER)

JEREMY: Now it gets really slippery
when you rejoin the Tarmac.

That is an amazing line through there.

- It's actually probably quite sensible.
- BILL: Amazingly good or bad?

JEREMY: No, that's a good idea, because
you get more speed into that corner.

Now we're on the straight.

Let's see if I've got
some balls and stay in this.

JEREMY: Oh, that's quick.
Are we quick...

That does look flat through there.

And now coming up to the tricky last
corner. Well, tricky for you two.

And... Yeah, there he is. And
across the line, everybody!

- They were nice moves.
- (CHEERING)

Nice moves.

- Who'd like to see Anthony's lap?
- (CHEERING)

Let's have a look.

- BILL: Was there any ice out there?
- JEREMY: Like that sound.

Come on! Give me some power.

JEREMY: They've all been dry pretty
much so far. You see, that's...

- ANTHONY: It looks nice and smooth round there.
- JEREMY: With you driving.

ANTHONY: (LAUGHS) You're
going fast round there.

JEREMY: Right, now, we're about
to head onto the gravel.

Now, you see, you pick up
speed here all of a sudden,

for no reason
that anyone can understand.

Exuberant through there.

Oh! No, don't do this! Yes!

(LAUGHTER)

- JEREMY: You look like you're enjoying yourself.
- BILL: That's what matters!

JEREMY: Yeah, and he's enjoying
himself through there as well.

Kicking the tail out
to go into Difficult Bit Two.

And again! God,
this is impressive stuff.

Car's looking very tidy,
got to be honest.

And now...

Yep.

Tighter line. No,
a tighter line through there.

Now on the left, and then
we're back on the straight.

And it's supposed to be flat all
the way to the last corner.

Now let's go!

JEREMY: Looking quick.
Looking very... Oh, my God!

That was leaning on it.
That was leaning on it there.

And now we're coming up
to the last corner.

Yes. And there we are,
everyone. He's made it, too.

(CHEERING)

That's brilliant.

Right, I have the times.

(BILL CHUCKLES)

- Act like you don't care.
- (LAUGHTER)

- I'm in anticipation.
- Bill Goldberg...

One...

..twenty...

..point-four.

So that's... Yeah. No, that's
worthy of a round of applause.

- It's not the fastest we've ever seen.
- ANTHONY: One minute, 20.4?

One minute, 20.4.

Good. Good time. That's a good time.

Good thing about you two
is you're not competitive.

(LAUGHTER)

Anthony Joshua: One...

..eighteen-point-seven.

(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)

BILL: Good time, yeah!

Congratulations. Congratulations.

Ladies and gentlemen, Bill Goldberg
and, I better read this out,

the world's fastest person
who makes a living

by punching or strangling
other men, Anthony Joshua!

(CHEERING)

BILL: Way to go, man!
ANTHONY: Thank you.

Way to go.

Right, now, over the years there
have been many titanic battles

in the world of motorsport -
many great duels.

You've had Hunt versus Lauda,

you've had Prost versus Senna,

you've had the Ford GT40 versus
the Ferraris at Le Mans.

But my favourite battle
of them all is this one.

(WHIRRING)

JEREMY: Back in 1977...

Audi was developing this four-wheel-drive
vehicle for the German m*llitary,

when they had a bit of a thought.

They wondered if its
four-wheel-drive system

could be made to work
in an ordinary family car.

And so, under the cover of darkness at a
quarry in a remote corner of Germany,

they began secret tests.

And straight away it was obvious that
with all four wheels being driven,

the family car had an
enormous amount of grip.

This meant it could go around corners on
loose surfaces like that much faster.

And that, they reckoned,

would make it good at rallying.

But there was a problem.

What I've got here is the
1979 Motor Racing Rule Book.

It's the most boring book
in the world, but whatever.

Here on page eight million,

article two says that in rallying

"Four-wheel-drive cars...
will not be admitted."

Audi, however, had thought about that,

and dispatched a man to Paris to a
meeting of the sport's governing body

to try and get the rule changed.

He was very clever,

because he waited for
the meeting to be finished -

everyone pulling on
their hats and coats -

and then he went, "Oh, God.
Sorry, one more thing. Erm...

This rule about, erm, four-wheel-drive
being banned in rallying,

is it OK if we, er...
we get rid of that?"

And everyone said, "Well,
obviously he wants to enter

his silly little army lorry
in something or other,"

so they all went, "Yes, yes.
Whatever," and went home.

Three years later,
this is what happened.

(MAN YELLS)

COMMENTATOR: The four-wheel-drive
Quattro is all-conquering,

and the Audi has been proved
master of all conditions.

Superior power and traction

with the turbo-charged,
four-wheel-drive Audi is too much.

Bjorn Waldegard has wasted no time

in proving the dominance of
the four-wheel-drive Quattro.

Hannu Mikkola has scored
a tremendous victory.

(APPLAUSE)

COMMENTATOR: The Quattros hold all
the aces: first, second and third.

Audi won the World Championship in
1982 with this very car, actually.

And from that moment on,

everyone knew that to win in rallying
you had to have four-wheel-drive.

Well, when I say everyone...

This was Lancia's answer to the Quattro:

the two-wheel-drive 037.

I've got a bit of a soft spot
for all old Lancias,

but in this... it's not soft.

(REVVING)

This is everything
I was expecting it to be.

- (BANG)
- Pops, bangs, lumpy petrol.

A dashboard dominated by this
enormous and very well used ashtray.

Completely Italian. (LAUGHS)

Honestly, it is dainty as a dandelion
seed caught in a summer breeze...

(TYRES SCREECH)

..and as agile as a water boatman.
I mean, that was...

(LAUGHS) That was just
glorious through there.

Glorious!

It feels highly strung.
Feels like a thoroughbred.

It's fast as well.

(TYRES SCREECH)

Oh, wow! What a thing this is.

On a dry track, then,
or in a beauty contest,

the 037 would thrash the
Quattro any day of the week.

But in the rough-and-tumble,

crash-bang-wallop world
of rallying, not a chance.

What's more, Audi was backed by the
industrial might of Volkswagen.

It was efficient and organised.

This was the team boss, Roland Gumpert.

Look at him! A hands-on, bearded
German doctor of engineering.

Lancia's team boss, meanwhile,
well, he was a bit different.

His name was Cesare Fiorio,

and he liked girls
and power-boat racing.

Also, he was running
a team staffed by Italians,

on a shoestring.

And then there were the drivers.

Audi had Hannu Mikkola, and Stig
Blomqvist, and Michèle Mouton...

(SPEAKS IN FRENCH)

..who had won 21 rallies between them.

Quattro was the car on everybody's lips,

you know, in rally business.

And, of course, we were
developing the car all the time.

It was getting better and better.

We were well funded, you know?

And er, that time it was a big team.

JEREMY: Lancia, meanwhile, had
Markku Alén and Walter Rohrl,

who was brilliant, but said he didn't
want to compete in every event,

and didn't want to be world champion.

I told them, "Listen,
I want to win Monte Carlo."

I like Corsica, I like Acropolis,

I like New Zealand, I like er, San Remo.

I only do these five or six beautiful
rallies, and nothing more.

I am not interested to win any
more the World Championship title.

I want to be a normal man,
not something special.

And if we are always in the
newspaper and everywhere,

of course you're never...
you're never alone,

because people standing in front of
your house, and... and I don't like.

So, Audi had four-wheel-drive,
a proven car,

a team staffed by Germans,
a hands-on boss,

and a squad of world-class drivers
who were motivated and on it.

Lancia, meanwhile,
had a budget of £3.75,

two-wheel-drive, a power-boating
playboy at their helm,

and a part-time driver who didn't
want to be world champion.

However, Lancia did have

one ace up its sleeve.

They'd been in rallying for ages.

They'd won the championship four times,

with cars like the Fulvia

and then the Stratos.

So although their
power-boating team boss

looked like a playboy,

he knew all the tricks.

For example, the rules said that before
you could enter a car in a rally,

you had to build at least 400 examples

which could be sold
as road cars to customers.

Now, obviously, when officials from
the sport's governing body turn up

to check you've done that, they are going
to notice if you've only made 200.

So you say, "Yes, mm.

But, you see, this car park was full,

so the other 200 are in a car
park on the other side of town."

And then you say, "Let's go
and count those now,

and on the way, why don't we
stop off for a spot of lunch?"

You then make sure the lunch
goes on for a very long time.

You have a starter, a main course...

So I turned it into candles for
three days, got it into port.

..pudding, cheese...

Well, when I say "reverse,"
careered backwards.

..mints, more cheese...

Shame to waste the bottle.

And then, afterwards, you
take them to another car park

which contains, miraculously,
the other 200 cars.

Then you had the cars themselves.

The rules say they must
be fitted with roll cages.

But roll cages are heavy,
they'll slow you down.

So why not use something like this
instead? It looks like a roll cage.

It would pass a visual inspection
every day of the week.

But, actually, it's made...
from cardboard. Look.

I'm not saying Lancia actually did that.

But if you examine these crashed 037s,

you can see they weren't
exactly... strong.

My family and my friends
around me said, "Listen.

Why are you signed for Lancia?
This car is so dangerous.

If you see these thin tubes
and these plastic things,

if you... if you went off, then it's
maybe the last accident you have."

And I answer, "Listen, I am not
planning to have an accident."

JEREMY: However, despite Lancia's
experience and Cesare's cunning,

no-one expected them to do well in the
first round of the 1983 Championship,

which was held in the freezing
mountains above Monte Carlo.

We were very much afraid about this rally,
because you can find a lot of snow,

ice, er, slippery conditions,

where, of course, a mid-engine
car with rear-wheel traction

is not the... the best idea.

JEREMY: So, whilst Audi prepared for
the event by fettling its cars,

Lancia got ready by going
to the supermarket.

Here they bought all the salt
they could lay their hands on.

They then sprinkled this
on the difficult corners

so that by the time their car
came along the ice was gone.

And they weren't finished there.

We have been also pushing local authorities,
taking care of the French roads.

Say, "Oh, there's a lot
of ice on that road.

It's very dangerous for spectators and
for the drivers with all this ice."

"Oh, oh, oh, yes."

(LAUGHS) And so they went and they...

and they cleaned up the... the
roads, and that was fantastic.

(LAUGHS)

JEREMY: They also had another
trick up their sleeve.

After the icy stages were over, the Lancia
stopped in the middle of the stage,

so the winter tyres could be changed.

Now, there was nothing in the rules
that said you could do this.

But critically... there was
nothing that said you couldn't.

(TOOLS WHIRRING)

If you want to compete in motorsport, you
must know the rules you have to face.

The grey zones of the rules.

And it's always a big fight, but er...
you must try to be a bit clever.

JEREMY: The result in Monte Carlo, then,

was the exact opposite of what
everyone had been expecting.

COMMENTATOR: Four-wheel-drive and
340 turbo-charged horsepower

are just not enough.

It's Audi sadness, Lancia joy.

JEREMY: The two-wheel-drive Lancias, on a
rally famed for its slippery conditions,

finished first and second.

For the next event
of the year, in Sweden,

there wasn't enough salt in the world

to get rid of all the snow and ice.

So Lancia solved the problem...

..by simply not turning up at all.

Audi therefore scored a one-two here.

And three weeks later they did the
same thing again in Portugal.

And after more successes in East Africa,

it looked like Audi
were running away with it.

But then the whole circus
moved to Corsica,

where almost all of the stages
are held on dry, smooth Tarmac.

Everyone expected the nimble
two-wheel-drive Lancias

to pick up a load of points here.

But nobody could have predicted how
many they were going to pick up.

Usually, Lancia turned up at an
event with two or three cars,

but here they arrived with four.

Which meant that if they ran
faultlessly, which they did,

the best Audi could hope for was fifth.

And thanks to mechanical failures...

they didn't even get that.

With our speed, it's just like holiday.

So, Lancia, with its salt
and its tyre-changing antics,

and its... flexible approach to
how many cars were in the team,

was back on top of the leader board.

But then the whole circus
moved to the roughest

and toughest event
on the European calendar.

Greece.

Here, everyone knew the rough roads
would cause mechanical issues.

There would be breakdowns,
and there were.

But amazingly, they were all Audis.

COMMENTATOR: For Lancia,
it's an impressive victory.

Rohrl has again driven superbly.

And I won Acropolis in a... in a Lancia.

Er... It was a result I never expected,

that we even can come to the finish,

because I was thinking, "Maybe
the Lancia is too light

to stay in one piece for... for Greece."

JEREMY: The year wore on with both teams

always in contention
for the championship.

But then it was time for everyone to
head for the bumpy hell of Finland,

and Lancia had a problem:

Walter Rohrl refused to go.

I didn't like to go to Finland,

because I... I don't like jumps.

Because, you know, if I want
to fly, I would be a pilot.

But not sitting in a car. That's no way.

JEREMY: Because of his
no-show, Audi won, easily.

However, with only three rounds left,
it was mathematically possible

for Lancia to win the World
Championship in San Remo.

And that's something
they really wanted to do,

because San Remo... well, that's Italy.

They'd be winning it
in front of their home crowd.

To do that, they'd have to deal with the
main feature of the San Remo Rally.

Dust.

It's thrown up by a car, and a minute
later when the next one comes along,

it's still there.

Which makes seeing where
you're going a bit tricky.

To try and make everything better,

they fitted a team van with brushes
and sent it up the course.

But this didn't really work,

so the drivers came up
with a cunning alternative.

(REVVING)

On one stage, a minute after
the German car had set off

and the Lancia was supposed to go...

it didn't move.

So the starter went over
to see what was wrong.

I'm really sorry. My belt, it's...

I don't know how it's
happened. It's come undone.

I know I should... I should have done
this before we came to the start line.

It's my bad, really. Oh,
now they've all come undone!

I feel like such an idiot.
I just need to...

By the time the problem had been solved,
the dust, luckily, had all gone.

Right, we're good to go now.

Oh, no! The door! Oh, there it is.

Annoyingly, the officials quickly
put a stop to this Boss Hoggery.

So if Lancia was going
to win here on gravel,

it would all be down
to the skill of the driver.

And, boy, did Walter Rohrl
rise to the occasion.

Looking back in my career, it was maybe
my best rally in my life I have done.

It was just like... like a dream.

I mean, I was just thinking,

"I want to... to cut this corner.

Don't lose 10cm of road."

The car was going exactly on this point,

and it was flowing.

It was just...

"Nobody can b*at me."

And then there was
the magnificent 037 itself.

ROHRL: Driving a Lancia,
it's a perfect thing,

because it... it doing
exactly what you want.

It's like my... like my... my shoe.

It fits so perfectly.

If I just think it should
do this one, it has done it.

(CHUCKLES)

JEREMY: With man and machine
in such perfect harmony,

Rohrl won a staggering
33 of the 58 stages.

The team scored a
one-two-three, and as a result,

they won the World Championship.

David had beaten
the four-wheel-drive Goliath.

And no two-wheel-drive car...
would ever do that again.

(CHEERING DROWNS OUT SPEECH)

Yeah, I do, definitely. I want one.

Great story. A really good story.

Yeah, it is. What?

I'm just wondering, though. Did...

Did a Lancia driver win the Drivers'
World Championship that year?

- No, because Walter Rohrl didn't want to.
- No, the other bloke.

Markku Alén? Mathematically, he could
have won the Drivers' Championship.

But after they won the Constructors'
Championship in San Remo there,

Lancia then, they didn't bother
going to the last two events.

They just didn't go, so he couldn't win.

That must be pretty frustrating if
you're a professional racing driver.

It would be the same as
Mercedes' Formula 1 Team

winning the Constructors'
Championship last year in Texas,

then saying, "We're not going
to go to the last three races.

Got Lewis Hamilton going,
"But I can't..."

"I'm sorry, we've won, and that's
all we're bothered about."

- But I tell you what makes me sad...
- JEREMY: Mm.

..is the way that Lancia has
pretty much vanished these days.

Oh, I know. Audi is now enormous,
and Lancia's shrivelled up

to the point where it only makes one
pretty terrible car, if we're honest,

and it only sells it in Italy.

It is, it's heartbreaking. And
on that terrible disappointment,

and for once it really is a terrible
disappointment, it's time to end.

Thank you so much for watching. Goodbye.

(CHEERING)