03x06 - Chinese Food for Thought

[bunniefuu]

Hello, everybody. Hel-lo!

- Hello!
- Thank you.

- Thank you, everybody.
- Hello!

Thank you, thank you, thank you.

Hello!

Thank you so much, everybody.
Thank you. Now...

Coming up in this week's show:

A supercar
is dismantled for no reason.

A man with no shirt on.

And my whole tongue
is wrapped up in intestine.

My whole tongue
is wrapped up in intestine.

Those are the highlights.

- Those are the best bits.
- Yep.

They really are.

Anyway...
over here in the West,

we tend to think
that at £360,000

a Rolls Royce Phantom
is quite expensive.

But this week, The Grand Tour
is focusing mostly on China.

And over there,
things are a bit different.

Not that long ago, China was full of
old, bent-over rice-farmer ladies,

up to their ankles in mud.

But these days,
things have changed a bit.

As recently as the 1980s,

people here
would lie awake at night

dreaming of
having enough money...

...to buy a mule.

Whereas now,
just 30 years later,

they dream of being able
to buy a Hongqi.

Specifically this Hongqi -
the L5.

In Chinese,
Hongqi means "the red flag",

the symbol of communism.

But there's nothing
at all communistical

about this monster's price tag.

Which is £880,000.

The interior is
an exquisite work of art

with rosewood panelling
and cream leather.

The dashboard and centre
console are fully digital.

There's jade in the door handles

and golden sunflowers
everywhere else.

I only saw this thing for the
first time a few moments ago

and already I'm in love.

I love the way each door weighs the
same as a medium-sized mountain.

I love the red flags here
and on the bonnet.

I love the flagpoles.

It's like... it's like
a cartoon baddie's car,

cos in real life
nobody could be that bad.

I mean, it's impossible!

One thing the Hongqi doesn't
have is armour plating,

but even so,

it weighs
just shy of 3.2 tons.

Now to move this
enormous weight around,

it's fitted with
a six-litre V12 engine

which turns petrol into silence.

It's not particularly
comfortable, though.

The seats especially
are very hard.

And the steering wheel
adjuster button is broken

and there are no cup holders.

And it certainly isn't fast.

In fact, it has the same power-to-weight
ratio as a Peugeot 308 diesel.

Hongqi won't say
what the 0 to 60 time is.

I suspect because
it won't actually do 60.

You know what, though?
I don't care about any of that,

because it is just
magnificent and evil.

Gloriously, brilliantly evil.

Despite its villainous
presence, though,

the price is mad.

So, I called May and Hammond

and we came up with an idea.

If you are a Chinese businessman
or businessman-woman,

and you want a car
that reflects your status,

you don't need
to spend £880,000.

You can simply
pop over to Europe

and buy a Mercedes S-Class,
like this one.

And even though
this is the 6-litre V12,

it cost me just £8,800.

In other words, you could have 100
of these for the price of a Hongqi.

At this point, my colleague
Richard Hammond arrived in...

something or other.

What is that?

This is a Cadillac STS
and you can shut up.

- I wasn't gonna say anything.
- Good.

Because this is fitted with one
of the best engines of all time.

The creamy smooth,
4.6-litre Northstar V8.

Making 300
all-American horsepower.

That engine was designed so
it can run for up to 100 miles

with no coolant in it at all,

by shutting down one bank
of the V8 until it cools

and then the other one,
and then the other one. That is clever.

- And front-wheel drive?
- Yeah?

It's a luxury car. Who cares what
wheels are being driven, James?

Well, people who care about torque
steer, weight distribution,

- dignified engineering, doing things properly.
- All right.

I'll cancel all the track
days I've entered in it

and I'll just drive around
in it as a luxury car.

Anyway, this is the Mercedes
S-Class, which, as we know,

is really a sort of paradigm
for the luxury car

and it's a pioneer of many
things that are new on cars

and that we come to see
as standard some years later.

For example...

- first car to have...
- Soft-close doors.

How many miles has it done?

180... 000.

Yeah, well, I figured.

- Where did your car come from?
- Germany.

- A German...
- Mm-hm.

...bought a Cadillac?

We were then interrupted

by the arrival of Clarkson
in a BMW.

Ooh, I see you've
bought the long car.

- Yours is long as well.
- Are you two beamed from the 1970s?

- No, they're long-wheel base and this is long.
- It is long.

This is the BMW 750 IL,

as Q called it in the Bond
film Tomorrow Never Dies.

- Did he?
- He did.

- Nobody told him?
- Nobody on set said,

"Desmond,
that's not what it says."

You would think,
wouldn't you? Oh, well.

And in the film,
they use 740s rebadged.

- Do they?
- Yeah. This is the real deal.

- The 5.4 litre V12.
- Hmm.

And all I paid for it
was £8,400.

That is one hell
of a lot of car.

I only paid £3,000
for my Cadillac.

That's a Cadillac.

Yes, the point I'm gonna make
is what kind of a moron

in Germany said,

"Zere's Audi, zere's BMW,
zere's Mercedes.

I should buy a Cadillac."

In fact, I know exactly.
You know those Germans

you see that think
they're Hell's Angels?

- They're dentists, but they have Harley Davidsons.
- Yes?

And they go to the Oktoberfest
and they drink Budweiser.

Yes, well, I know
the Germans you mean.

No, it... You're wrong.

Because the previous
owner of that car

was an American
general living in Germany.

- Was he?
- A general?

An American general
and he bought that because

he recognised what Cadillac
intended with that car,

which is to take
on Audi, BMW, Mercedes,

directly with that car
with the Northstar engine.

Oh, yes, they were very successful with
that, Europe is full of Cadillacs.

- Yeah, you see them everywhere.
- You never see an Audi.

Tripping over these.
- Rarity and exclusivity are part of luxury.

- Let's have a look at yours.
- Mine, honestly, is in perfect nick.

- It's um... absolutely fine.
- I saw that. I saw that.

- Saw what? Nothing to see. - That's got
double glazing in it and has gone wrong.

Oh, wait a minute,
is your... Come on!

What's the disease?
It's got...

- James, is that between the panes?
- Yeah, it's got mumps.

That's the most depressing - a double-glazed
window with mildew in-between it.

- What's the matter?
- You've got mildew inside your windows.

- Where?
- There.

- Well, it's just, it's...
- That's really poor.

Oh, my God!
Basically, it's disappearing before your eyes.

How can a German car...
Sure it's a real one?

Was it parked in the sea
when you bought it?

Let's not get bogged down with
the oxidisation of my car.

Because a lot of Chinese people,
as we know, come to Europe these days.

Mostly to go to the
Mr Shopping Village.

Which is now a bigger tourist
attraction for the Chinese in England

than Buckingham Palace -
true fact.

- Anybody else find that faintly depressing?
- Very depressing.

If Chinese people
are going to come to the UK

and buy Western soap
and Western frocks,

why would they not buy Western
cars when they're there?

Yeah, you can't buy these
cars second-hand over here.

- No, this vintage isn't available here.
- No.

No. - Because when these cars were
new, everyone in China had...

- Bicycles.
- Yes! Or oxen.

- Yeah.
- And what we're saying is,

you can buy one of these

for a lot less than
a luxury Hongqi.

- A lot, lot less. - And that's what
we're here to prove, people of China.

We couldn't have chosen a
better location for our test -

the absolutely mind-blowing
city of Chongqing.

Let me give you a few facts and
figures, if I may, about Chongqing.

Population in the municipal
area of around 30 million,

so it's one of the biggest
cities in the world.

14 different car makers here,
so it's China's Motown.

And it's the capital of the
Chinese motorcycling industry.

And they made 100 million
laptops here last year.

Apparently the city is twinned
with Leicester and you can see why.

Apart from...
everything about it.

Oh, look, a train going
through a building.

Obviously.

It's an amazing-looking place.

The people of Dubai think they're good
at knocking up a building quickly,

but look at the stuff
being built here.

Of course when a city
gets this big, this fast,

there are many ways
to make money.

There's steel

and glass

and concrete.

But one man thought, "Hold on",

every one of the rooms in
every one of those buildings...

"...is going to need a door."

Genius.

No brainer on the Dragons'
Den, that's for sure.

It was such a good idea,
he now has a drive-through door factory.

Security doors,

front doors, interior doors...

...really
fancy-shmancy doors.

Ornate doors, bank vault...

Car doors.

JEREMY: Five million of them
last year: five million doors.

Well, that's not very
interesting, is it?

Yes, but now I'm
the richest man in the world.

"If employee is angel overtime,

it is not devil
when they get salary."

OK, he's not a brilliant writer,
but what a maker of doors!

The most noticeable thing
about Chongqing, though...

...is the heat.

This is called
the furnace of China.

Average daily temperatures,
this time of year, which is, mid-July,

45 degrees.

With 80% humidity.

This place is hot.

Like mega hot.

It's so hot and so sticky

that five minutes after
putting up a building,

the jungle is growing out of it.

And this is OK

if you're in
an air-conditioned BMW

or Cadillac.

However...

I'm gonna have to tell you
that the air-conditioning

simply doesn't work in my car.

Please, no. Not here.

Have you heard the news?
James's aircon.

What?

Oh, dear.

Oh!

Oh, that...
he's gonna feel that.

Ho-ho!

Aircon issues aside, though,

it did seem like we were
on to something with our

pre-owned Western limousines.

Cars here cost round about

twice as much
as they do in the UK

because of taxes and...

profiteering
from the car companies.

So if you see someone in a
Range Rover Velar as I just did,

that here is £140,000.

Yeah, I mean, that S-Class
there, if that's a tasty one,

that's a £300,000 car in China.

And that's why
this BMW makes sense.

You could come to Europe,

pick up a 750IL like this
for £8,500,

pay for the shipping
to China, pay the taxes,

and it would still cost you
less than a Honda Civic.

And it's not like this
is on its last legs.

I don't have a single thing
in here that's broken.

Steering wheel adjuster,

unlike in the Hongqi,
is working.

Indicators, lights, stereo -
everything. Everything works.

Windows.

I've even got a cassette player.

Look at that.

All my electrics
were working too.

But actually,
in this superheated-city,

there's an even better reason
for buying a Cadillac.

When Americans build a car,

they start with the
air-conditioning unit

and then say, "Right,
let's fit a car to it."

It's top priority."

Speaking of which...

What this is, viewers,
if you were wondering,

is something called
an ice towel.

You soak it in water and it
remains cool for up to two hours.

Borrowed it from one of
the crew. It's fantastic.

Eventually, we decided to leave

the centre of the biggest
city you've never heard of.

So we negotiated

this gentleman's
sausage-shaped junction

to try our cars on the freeway.

Where, immediately,
we had a problem.

Every few hundred yards,

there's a gantry with cameras
covering all the lanes.

And every single car
is photographed.

And every single photograph
is then analysed by...

...an official in a room to
make sure the driver is smoking.

Because as far
as I can work out,

that is still compulsory here.

Other things -
well, they're making sure

that you have
your seatbelt done up,

that you're not talking
on a mobile phone.

And that you're not...

Oh, how can I put this?

...touching either yourself
or your passenger.

Apparently
that's a thing in China.

Quite a few people are prosecuted
for pleasuring themselves,

or one another,
on a long journey.

Yes! Oh, yes.

Ohh! Oh, yes.

That is...
that's actually really nice.

Ow!
sh*t, I've fanned my todger.

Eventually,
we arrived at the location

for our first test.

It's one of 78 centres
around Chongqing

where teenagers can learn to
drive away from the traffic.

To us, however,
it looked like a racetrack.

Which made it perfect for
an ingenious handling test

that I'd just thought of.

Now, to do this, we're gonna
use drones, like this one,

which have been fitted
with flamethrowers.

They actually use these
in China for clearing um...

litter that's got stuck
on overhead power cables.

Right. So how are we going to use
airborne flamethrowers, like this,

to test the power
and agility of our cars?

Good question.
Each of our cars has, as you can see,

been fitted with
three chains of firecrackers.

One on the bonnet, one on the
roof, one on the boot lid. OK?

So you drive round
a special course here,

while you're att*cked by
the airborne flamethrowers.

And then you score a point
when you've finished

for every one of the targets
that haven't gone off.

Since we were up against
two geeky millennials

and we'd be driving
powerful Western saloons,

we figured we could
outrun and outsmart

the drones easily.

♪ Flight Of The Valkyries

- Sadly, though,
it was a m*ssacre.

Ah, fire from the sky!

Agh! Agh!

Agh! Agh!

There's the drone on my left.
The first one.

Ah, God.

God's truth!

Ohh!

Fire everywhere.
Oh, God.

Bandit at ten o'clock.

Oh, no! Oh, sh*t!

- That will have alarmed him.
- It will have slightly, yeah.

- You know, dogs don't like fireworks?
- No, they hate it.

Agh! Aagh! Arghh! Aaargh!

That was such a good laugh.

Belting around
with airborne flamethrowers.

- Really good afternoon, that was.
- Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes.

- What?
- Hang on.

- Yeah?
- That was a totally useless test.

- Why was it?
- Well, we did nothing

to convince
Chinese business people

that our second-hand limos
were a good idea.

And we all scored nought.

- Yeah, and we all ruined our paintwork as well.
- Yes, but it'll buff out.

- No, it won't.
- Well, it might.

Anyway, we shall pick
that up later on.

But now, it is time for us

to splash
in some puddles of chat...

...left by
the drizzle of debate

that falls
on Conversation Street.

I like that one. I like that one.
- Yeah, I know.

Damn.

We'll stick with China.
If we may.

Um... before we were allowed
to drive over there,

we all had to sit
Chinese driving tests.

Now, we've seen driving tests
around the world.

I remember one in India
I encountered once,

where a woman passed,
even though she was in the back of the car.

And her examiner
was in another car

- following along behind.
- Yeah.

Used to be in Egypt that you
had to drive six feet forwards,

but then six feet backwards
and then you'd pass.

- And that was it.
- I'd love to meet somebody who failed that.

Yeah. Anyhow, so we figured that
to get a Chinese driving test

it would be, you know,
quite an easy test.

However, we were
in for a bit of a surprise.

Now, um... I actually got some
footage of Hammond taking his test.

- Does anyone wanna see it?
- Yes!

It's poor quality, it's on
my phone, but here we go.

Test centre.

Right, so he has
to ball his fists.

Then a squat. There he goes.
There he goes.

And then he has to get
on some weigh scales.

Tense moment here, tense moment.

Still tense.

You passed!
Hammond has passed!

Seriously...

Well done.

- That was it.
- Yes!

It was nothing.
I made it look easy.

That was, well, it was the easiest
driving test I've ever heard of.

Basically I passed because I
proved that my hands do that

and I'm affected by gravity.

- That's it.
- I think it is actually just a test to check

that you are a human being
and not a dog.

- Cos they can't...
- Sure it was. However, afterwards,

we were taken in
to a sort of lecture theatre

by a man who...

talked us through the perils
of the road in China.

And he said that we had to
look out for a number of things

running out into the road,
in front of us.

Including, and I'm not -
this is a quote, yes?

You will back me up on this.
This is what he said.

Including dogs, children,
and women.

That's what he said.

- He said that. -"Be careful,
they run out into the road."

"You never know,
they're unpredictable."

I don't think
the #MeToo movement

has reached Chongqing just yet.

No. Mind you,
you say that,

there are 78 self-made billionaire
women in the whole world.

- And 49 of them are Chinese.
- Yeah.

Well, there would be more,
but some of them got run over.

Anyway, look, can we talk
about that Hongqi for a bit?

I knew you'd
want to talk about that.

- It's so you.
- It's interesting.

- It's so you.
- It's got him written all over it.

Bad news, though,
you can't have it in brown.

Why would I want it in brown?

- Oh, yes, you would.
- You love a brown car.

Your cars are grey
and dark green.

Mine are blue, metal fake,
red, and orange.

I can't see into your mind.

God knows
I'm not sure I want to.

But... I know James May,

as you drift off
to sleepy bobos tonight,

a brown Hongqi
will be driving...

"But I don't like
brown cars."

- It's like him saying, "I love horses."
- Ha-ha.

Things that aren't true.
Things that aren't true.

You love a brown car and you
can't have it in brown.

I've never had a brown car and
I am interested in the Hongqi.

- So tell us more about it.
- OK.

Something I didn't say in the
film, which is quite interesting,

is that when you order one, they send a
tailor round to your place of business.

And he measures
you up for a suit

that you then wear when you
take delivery of the car.

- Really?
- Yeah.

I'd actually quite like
to be the tailor

who made the suit for you

when you take delivery
of your Hongqi.

It would have
some writing on it.

- Would it?
- Not in Chinese, it would be in English.

Would it be a pithy
description of the wearer?

Yes, that's what it was.

It's funny you
should say that, because...

in China there's a tendency
for people to wear clothing

with English words,
you know, written on them.

They've obviously got no idea
what those words say.

I was sitting in
a traffic jam one day there

and there was a woman
on a bus next to me.

And she was a perfectly
respectable, 50-something woman

on her way obviously
to an office job or whatever.

She was wearing a white
blouse with red flowers on it.

Now, I took a picture.
Here it is.

And what that says is,
"He was a (BLEEP) assh*le."

I would love a picture
of her face when somebody

explained to her
what it said on her shirt.

Do you know what's really
amazing about that?

That's exactly what I was gonna
have put on your Hongqi suit.

- She knew.
- She knew!

I wanna get back to cars,
if I may.

Because there's some truly
astonishing stats, really,

about cars in China.

We've got a graph here of
global car production, yes?

There's the UK in tenth place.

We made 1.67 million cars
here in 2017.

Japan 8.35 million.

China, let's put it up.

Mind-blowing!
- 24.8 million cars they made there.

And what's extraordinary is that you
can't just buy a car and then use it.

You have to apply to a
government-run lottery

for a registration plate
for your car.

Now here's one, OK?

In Beijing last year,
for every thousand people

who applied
for a registration plate

for a car
they intended to buy...

For every thousand who applied,

how many do you think
actually got one?

- 500.
- 200.

- 600.
- 300.

- Three.
- Three people?

For every thousand people
who applied,

only three actually got
a registration plate,

were allowed to buy a car.

This is good conversation, this whole
issue actually. It's really interesting.

Would you like to guess what was the
bestselling car in China in 2017?

Well, Volkswagen have been there
forever, so I'm gonna say the Passat.

I'm gonna say
it's a mid-sized Hyundai

- of some sort, sort of boxy thing.
- And you're both wrong.

It's the Wuling Hongguang.

What, that?

Yep, there it is.
That's the fella.

That's the bestselling-car
in China?

They sold half a million
of them in China in 2017.

- Really?
- Half a million of those were sold, yeah.

They sold... Well,
half a million of... Wu...

- Wuling Hongguang.
- Those.

That's more than the Ford Focus.

Yeah, and don't forget the
Ford Focus is sold globally.

That's just sold in China.

The car, the Chinese car,
that caught my eye, I must say,

was the Bestune T77.

- Familiar with it?
- Oh, the Best... No.

- Never heard of it.
- No, exactly.

We've got a picture of it here.

It looks a bit like the Lamborghini
from last week, the Urus.

But it's much smaller, 1.2-litre engine SUV.
All quite normal.

Except it comes with something
called a dashboard assistant.

Which is a little holographic
figure that pops up

and you talk to it and it
helps you set the satnav

- and make phone calls and so on.
- That's very hi-tech.

Except the little holographic
figure is of a Japanese -

a Japanese schoolgirl.

And then you can choose what colour
miniskirt you'd like her to wear.

Got a picture... I'm not making it up.
There's a picture here.

I'm not sure about that.

I'm not either, but here's
the thing, James,

the Chinese don't care
what we think, anybody.

Cos they look at us
like we look at cows.

We're just big daft things
standing around.

Only instead of milk,
we give them luggage and watches.

That's actually the end
of Conversation Street.

It's not the end, however,
of the Chinese stuff.

Because we had a call the other day from
a Chinese car manufacturer called NIO.

And they said, "We have built a blisteringly
fast, all-electric supercar."

And would one of you
like to try it out?"

Yeah, now after his escapade
going up a Swiss hill

in a blisteringly fast,
all-electric supercar,

Richard Hammond said that he really
didn't think he was the man for the job.

However, it turned out

that the car was only
available for one day

and unfortunately on that day,
I had the boiler man coming round.

- Yeah. And I had a dental appoint...
- Dentist.

Dental appointment, yeah.

Yep. So, guess what?

Here it is.

It's called the EP9.

And it's pretty clear
that this is no Nissan Leaf.

Because a Leaf doesn't have
giant head restraints

to stop G-forces
from snapping your neck

during hard cornering.

And that's just the start of it.

What I have here is a comparison

between this NIO EP9

and the Rimac Concept One,

in which I had my little, um...

tumble down
a Swiss mountainside.

So in the Rimac Concept One,

power:
1,207 brake horsepower.

In this NIO,
1,341 brake horsepower.

Power to weight: in the Rimac
is 652 brake horsepower per ton.

In this NIO,

773 brake horsepower per ton.

Oh, good.

So, no pressure, then.

Right. The high voltage
system is active.

So here goes. To launch,
it's got to be in drive.

- Left foot on brake, right
foot mash the throttle.

Right hand hold that back for
one, two, three, four, five.

Come off the brake.

Urgh!

Sweet Mary Mother of Jesus!

It's just insanity!

They say it'll do
0 to 60 in 2.7 seconds.

0 to 125 in 7 seconds.

7 seconds!

That direct, immediate power you
get from these electric supercars

is like nothing else.

It's like one minute I'm here
and then bam! I'm over there.

It's like driving a jet engine.

Something else about
which I have bad memories.

This is a bad place.

However, there is some good
news for people like me.

The brakes.

Whoa!

That's put everything back
where it should be.

My eyes have come forward.

My lungs are on the front again.

Oh.

Now if you want to experience this
phenomenal speed for yourself,

you will need two things.

First of all, a lot of money.

Because this costs
£1.15 million.

Secondly, a racetrack.

Because it works like
that Ferrari FXX -

where you buy the car, they
deliver it to a track for you

along with a support team.

You drive it, crap yourself,

then they take it away
and hose it out for you.

Since it's an electric car,

you'll be wondering about range.

Obviously if you hammer it
round a track,

you are gonna wear those
batteries out pretty quickly.

However, on the plus side,

they only take
45 minutes to charge.

On the minus side,

you have to take
the batteries out to do it.

And as they weigh
317 kilograms each,

you won't be doing that
on your own.

It is a bit more of a faff
than say, a can of petrol.

However, if you're
an electric petrol head

and you're tempted by the NIO,

you might be interested to know

that it's not short of pedigree.

There's evidence that
the people behind this thing

really know what they're doing.

For starters,
the outfit that makes the EP9

also runs a Formula E team:

one which won the inaugural
championship in 2015.

And until recently,

the EP9 itself held a lap
record around the Nurburgring,

with an astonishing time of

6 minutes 45.9 seconds.

Which means it isn't
just about going fast

in a straight line.

It has active suspension,
active aerodynamics,

torque vectoring - and all
of that means only one thing.

Grip, grippity, grip!

It has a motor in each of
the four wheels

for a four-wheel drive system
that can be monitored

and controlled constantly
by the car's on-board brain.

Add to that, the active
aerodynamics on that vast wing

and a diffuser running
the length of the car,

it produces more down-force
than an F1 car.

Jesus!

It's like driving an octopus.

There's no doubt that
as a piece of engineering,

the NIO is deeply impressive.

And into slingshot!

Ha-ha-ha!

But what I love about it most
is that,

thanks to its phenomenal grip,

I could hammer it
round our track all day

and still be the right way up.

And from me...

...there is
no higher compliment.

Yeah, yeah, whatever.

Thanks for sticking me
with that.

You know, um...
it's interesting.

Watching that has convinced me

that I will never buy an
electric car as long as I live.

- Why not?
- Because why on Earth

would I want to employ
a team of men

and buy a forklift every time
I need to go anywhere?

Yeah, that's all very well,
but a lot of people

are more enlightened than
you, including me, in fact.

- So, Hammond?
- Yes?

Tell me, what are the...
how does it compare with the Rimac?

- Nobody's interested.
- Yes, they are. Shut up.

The NIO, it's just, the NIO
is just more of everything.

It's more power,
more grip, more speed.

I have to say, that looked
painfully fast, that car.

It is.
It is astonishingly fast.

But it is a novelty.

An amazing powerfully fast one,
but a novelty nevertheless.

And we should make it absolutely clear
you can't drive it on the road at all.

- It's not road legal.
- No, you can't.

The Rimac, you can,
that's what makes it so amazing.

And there's a new Rimac
coming out soon

that'll have more than
1900 horsepower.

But imagine the size of the
internal combustion engine

you would need
to make 1900 horsepower.

- It would be...
- It'd be massive.

That's why the future of
supercars like that is electric.

- It is.
- What?

- It just isn't.
- It is.

That's the way it's gonna go.
It's the way it is going.

OK, then, let's find out how
fast your beloved NIO

goes around the Eboladrome.

And it's off to
the sound of the spin cycle.

Jiggling around on its
racing car suspension,

as it powers onto the Isn't.

That's exciting.

A lift and then
building up speed again.

That is looking pretty brisk.

Right, now down into
Your Name Here.

Sparks flashing off
the rear diffuser.

Torque vectoring should be doing its
stuff round here to keep it in place.

And now back to full voltage

for the frantic whirr
back down the Isn't.

Sounding more like a jet fighter

and less like a Zanussi now.

OK, hard braking
for Old Lady's House.

More milk floaty noises.

And now the run to Substation.

If it crashes here,
there really will be a lot of sparks.

OK, two corners left.

Very tidy through there.
Just Field of Sheep to go.

Keeps it neat
and across the line.

- That looked good.
- She did well there.

- She did do well.
- She did well.

So exciting with those noises.

- I like the noises.
- What? You can't like those...

- There's a whole new set
of noises, you pillock.

- OK.
- It's the future.

OK, let's see how fast your
elegantly entitled N ten,

- no, NIO...
- NIO.

- ...EP9...
- Yes.

...got round, shall we?
Here we go.

- Top ten?
- Come on.

There you go.
Oh, yeah. Oh, yes, oh, yes!

Come on. Come on!

- Yeah!
- Yeah.

That...

That is faster...

faster than
the Aston Martin Vulcan.

You're absolutely right,
Hammond.

It is a very impressive car.

And it is faster than a Vulcan.

But it's slower

than the petrol-powered
McLaren Senna,

which is road legal.

- One...
- Yes.

Electricity: zero!

All right, don't do that face.

Don't do that face!

- No.
- Smug face.

Not the smug face. I don't...

James, just move it on, quick.

Yes, in this show we are
explaining to the people of China

that they don't need to waste
huge sums of money

on new luxury cars when they
could buy something used

from Europe for a lot less.

Now so far,
we've done city driving.

We've done motorway driving.

And we've done a completely
pointless handling test

- that Jeremy devised.
- Yep!

And now we had
to get to a rally stage

to take part in another test
that he dreamt up

whilst enjoying another
night on the pneumonia.

Whatever, OK.
However, listen,

before we left the test centre
where we did the flamethrower -

the flamethrower handling test -

we popped next door to something
called the Zunyi Conference centre.

It was on this very spot,
in 1935,

that Chairman Mao
unveiled the plans

for the future of his country.

This then is the birthplace
of Communism in China,

and today it stands
as an anti-Capitalist shrine.

Naturally we headed
straight for the gift shop.

Oh, that is exquisite.

Yes, I'll definitely have
a Chairman Mao snow globe.

That one.

Oh, look.

How much are these?

So that's 230.

It's Donald Tr*mp.

- I'm absolutely starving.
- Yeah, me too.

- Oh, that's handy.
- That'll do.

Having paid our respects
to Communism...

...we got back on the road
in our fire-damaged cars

with James still moaning
about his temperature issues.

The air conditioning is now so
broken that it's permanently hot,

even when I turn it to low
and press every auto button.

I decided there was only one
thing I could do about this.

Ignore him.

Jesus!

Look at that.

They're actually building
another motorway

with viaducts and tunnels

on the other side of the valley.

You've got one motorway.
Why would you need another one over there?

Still, all these motorways
did mean we could prove

that our cars work well,
as long-distance cruisers.

If you gloss over
the slightly worn,

interior trim on this car,

I am staggered
at how comfortable it is.

Every inch the Cadillac.

It's fitted with something called
continuously variable road-sensing suspension.

Or suspension.

And there's more.

In Britain,
this car was described as

astonishingly reliable.

Not my words,
the words of the RAC.

The Royal Automobile Club.

The Queen herself
as good as commended

this car's reliability.

Meanwhile, in the stuck record.

Lovely engine, silky smooth.

Seats are comfortable,

everything works,
except the air conditioning.

I'm running out of fuel.

There's... That's happened
very suddenly.

Er... This is May, how's
everyone doing for fuel?

I have... about
a quarter of a t*nk.

I'm gonna need more fuel.
The mighty North Star has drunk it.

Happily, we soon saw signs
for a service station.

That's excellent. I was just
about to start panicking.

Oh.

Small problem here.

It's not open.

So we drove on to the next one.

Oh, thank God.

Where is it?

Where's the fuel?

Oh, it's not finished.

They could even be fuel tanks
waiting to go in.

So, we drove on to the next one.

Please let this one be open.

But that didn't have
fuel either.

How much money are they
spending on service stations?

Well, a lot, but they're not earning any from
them, I can tell you that.

The problem China has is it's
building motorways so fast

that the people
building the service stations

to supply the motorway with
fuel... can't keep up.

Chaps, my fumes
are running out now.

After passing two more
unfinished service stations,

we finally got lucky.

Oh, thank God.

Ooh, that's a relief.

However, our
problems weren't quite over.

I mean,
is that petrol or diesel?

What... What's that?

Does green
mean petrol or diesel?

Oooh!

- Oh, hello.
- How do you know which fuel is which?

Well, we've no idea. She just comes.
This is what she just did with mine.

- She just put that in and
I'm going, "Is it petrol..."

She's putting it in
whatever it is.

With the lucky dip
fill-up complete,

we were ready to roll.

However, in the
RAC-approved Cadillac...

Er... my car won't start.

It's the battery.

Or have you filled it up
with Ribena?

As the rest of China was keen

to use this one completed
service station,

I had to push Hammond clear
of the pumps.

It's not really the message we
want to be sending out to...

the people of China,
that our cars have broken.

I'm doing manual labour.

I've found the battery.

- Success.
- Very good.

Hammond, quite a lot
of Chinese people looking.

Well, that's the jump leads
test done.

We've done the jump leads test.

If ever we needed them,
we can do it.

- Those Chinese-made jump leads were excellent.
- Excellent.

Excellent.
Not that we needed them.

Back on the road,

I was wondering if the
battery wasn't the only issue.

I can't understand the
German messages on the dash,

but the engine
warning light is on.

I'll be very disappointed if my
glorious North Star engine lets go.

It's not going to, it's tough.

It'll be fine.

In fact, we all had issues.

Chief among which was trying
to understand the road signs.

Don't "dring" when... What?

Don't "drmng" when tired.
"Drmng."

Descent length surplus.

Over-speeding prohibition.

Don't drmng when tired, again.

We've got a lot
of don't drmnging when tired.

There was another problem too.

The roads had no drainage.

So, even in a shower...

Look at that.

The cars on the other side are sending
fountains of water onto this one.

Whoa.

Aquaplaning.

Holy moley.

That man's dropped...
His crash helmet's actually come off his head.

Still, at least when it got
dark, things got worse.

Whoa! Whoa!

They'll give you epilepsy,
these cameras.

Constantly being flashed.

After this long
and difficult journey,

we reached the overnight halt...

...where we were hoping to unwind
with some relaxing comfort food.

Holy cow, that is hot!

How... Oh, jeez.

Oh... oh...

- What... what...
- That's goose intestines.

Goose intest...
Do you want some?

I've seen more
appetising things than that

stuck to the back of my terrier.

A rub... Ooh!
...rubber hosepipe...

- Nice.
- ...coated in napalm.

(BLEEP) hell!

As our mouths melted,
I brought up another idea I'd had.

We really should be in the
back of these cars, because...

- I agree, yeah.
- ...if you're a Chinese businessman

you're not gonna drive a car,
a 750IL or a Cadillac, are you?

You're gonna be in the back.

Actually it's more relevant here
anyway, isn't it?

- That's what people care about.
- It's all they care about.

The rear seat accommodation,
leg room.

Now, Jaguar, Audi,
Mercedes and BMW

all make long cars

specifically for
the Chinese market.

So, look, why don't we...
I'm sure we could do this.

Why don't we hire some local
chauffeurs to drive our cars

and we'll ride in the back,
which is what we should be doing.

- That's a proper place to assess them.
- Mm, that is a good idea.

And how's this for taking it
one step further?

Why don't we, tonight,
modify our cars...

...to make them more
relevant and luxurious

for the Chinese
business community?

OK, and while we're at it,

if you two dress less like tramps
and more like gentlemen of commerce,

the ladies and gentlemen of China
might take us more seriously.

So we've got to get changed?

- Sorry.
- Yes.

Sorry, my whole tongue
is wrapped up in intestine.

The next morning we reconvened

after buying ourselves
some business suits.

We're supposed to be sending out
a message that we're important,

and that people should listen
to what we have to say.

- Now I've done that.
- I think we are doing that well.

No, I am.
No, you just look like

you've got a sub-machine g*n
in a violin case.

- Have you seen James, by the way, this morning?
- No.

No, I haven't seen what he's gone
for, but let's be honest...

- Brown.
- Yes.

It'll be brown.

- Nothing is more certain than brown.
- Sombre, severe.

- Yeah.
- It's not brown.

That's not... Ohhh!

Good morning, Vietnam!

That is bold.

Now don't pretend
you did that on purpose.

- Well, shall I be honest?
- Yes.

I ordered it using a translation
app I got for my phone.

And you mistook green for grey.

I don't know if I did, or
they did, or it doesn't work,

but I said "light, grey",

meaning lightweight, grey.

But I got green.

Yes, and you look ridiculous,

and nobody's going to listen
to a word you say.

The fact is, though,
we were all suited up.

So it was time to get into the back
of our modified cars and get going.

What's that?
- That's one of my modifications.

- It's Giovanni.
- No, it's Cato.

See, I ask him for something and then
he passes it through the ski hatch.

- Absolute genius.
- It's barbarous.

Having agreed that my
manservant was a brilliant idea,

we introduced ourselves to our
chauffeurs and then set off.

My driver is
the excellent Mr Hoo.

I wonder
if he's a doctor, actually.

Dr Hoo is not
a particularly tall man,

but nevertheless, the space in the
back of the S Class is fantastic.

I've got all this leg room,
I can adjust the seat.

I can recline myself a bit.

I can make myself a bit more upright.
It's quite warm.

The air conditioning still doesn't work.
I should actually warn Dr Hoo of that.

Doctor, I apologise, the
air conditioning is broken.

Doctor, the hair in the
college has not been spoken.

Obviously our cars were built
before Bluetooth

and internet connectivity
had been invented.

But that's OK, because it means you're
forced to spend your time in the back,

doing something interesting.

What I'm gonna do, instead of watching
CNN drone on about Donald Tr*mp,

or checking on Nasdaq prices...

...is er... make a model...

a matchstick model
of the Eiffel Tower.

My colleagues had also
decided to make the back seat

a place of learning
and self-enrichment.

I've said many times
on this programme

how I can't cook anything
other than baked beans,

but I'm gonna use this journey,

together with this simple stove,
this wok, and these ingredients,

to put that right and learn
how to make supper.

I've got my cookery book here.

Steamed razor clams with
black beans and chilli sauce.

I, meanwhile,
had decided to try my hand at painting.

Now this is an ideal studio

because I can paint the things that
I'm going to see out of the window.

Sort of montage, if you like,
of typical roadside sights,

on a chauffeur-journey
through China.

Trees...

Trees right here, there.

Lovely, lovely.

Not now, Cato.

I could be sitting here now...

...answering pointless emails
from pointless people

with nothing better to do
all day.

Not now, Cato.

But, no...
I'm doing something useful,

something joyous,
something pleasurable.

Not now, Ca... No, Cato,
no, that's inappropriate.

Oh, yeah.

Oh, yeah.

Watercress.
Bit of that.

Spend enough time on the motorway
in the back of your luxury car

and you could turn yourself into
a part-time professional chef.

We could improv...

Oh.

Meanwhile, in the BMW...

Cato, my suit.
My suit jacket.

Cato, fire extinguisher.

Cato, now!

Thank you. Yeah.

After a few more
mostly fire-free miles,

we pulled over
to compare our work.

May we see, James May,
what you have achieved,

instead of doing emails?

Well, it's naive.

If I were your mum or dad,

I'd put that on the fridge door

and I'd be very proud of you.

This is going
on the wall at home.

Can we taste your soup?

Well,
you'll have to suck my tie.

That's where it all ended up.

Were you expanding your mind
by setting yourself on fire?

- Is that all you've done?
- No, no, no, no, no, it's matches.

One snapped
and went into my sleeve.

You've ruined
that beautiful suit.

- I wanna see what you've done.
- Let's have a look.

I'm a bit embarrassed by it.

Is it... It's a burnt
wreck, isn't it?

It's not my best work.

This was gonna be
your birthday present,

but now you've said it's
crap you're not having it.

Please don't laugh.

Oh, right.
And you made that, did you?

- Really?
- In the back of your car.

Yeah, I know, but I...
Look... At great cost.

Yeah. Yeah.

For the next leg of our journey

we tried out the modifications
we'd made to our cars,

so they'd suit the world
of modern commerce.

Businessmen always want a flat
bed when they're on an aeroplane,

so why wouldn't you want one
if you're in your car?

Very simple to achieve this.

Recline the front seat,

put a mattress on it,
duvet, pillow.

Take off what's left of
your jacket and into bed.

Oh, it's gone dark.
That's nice.

In the Cadillac, Hammond had
been a little more ambitious.

Name me one businessman hotel
that doesn't have a gym.

Exactly.

They all do, which is why
I've fitted my Cadillac

with this rowing machine.

So as we drive along,
I can get in shape.

Healthy body
means a healthy mind.

- How's life in your car, Mr Hammond?
- It's brilliant, thank you.

- What about you?
- Oh, I'm just nodding off.

You go in a tunnel, it feels
like night, it's lovely.

Um... Question, though.
What's... What's James done?

I can't see him.

Bit more on the coals.

I realise this now
looks like an idiotic idea.

It was already
a sauna in my car,

so I've built a sauna in it.

But... let's imagine you were
in the far north of China.

Let's imagine it's the winter.

You can get through from the other
side, through that door,

enjoy a sauna...

Go back into your car,

carry on with your oil painting.

Ohh. Ohh.

There was, however, one small
drawback to my plan.

My driver
couldn't see his mirrors.

Whoa! Bollocks.

All right, all right.

God, Dr Hoo's getting a right strop on.
I know, it's steamed up. Hang on.

- All right, all right,
all right.

Oh, that's so nice.

Oh, that's lovely.

That is lovely, lovely, lovely.

Mm.

Not... Not yet, Cato.

The next morning, having proved that
all cars need saunas, gyms and beds,

we sacked our chauffeurs

and headed for the location
of our final challenge.

However, in the USS
Norman Schwarzkopf...

Geschw Grenze?

What does that one mean?

It's not well.

Oh, that's another...
I don't...

I don't know what that
warning says either.

Oh, God, it's dying.

Oh, it's losing oil.

What's happened?

Loads of warnings came on...
and then it lost power.

I made it to this off-ramp
and now it's... it d*ed.

Oh, dear.

I'm not sure my jump leads

are gonna get that going,
are they?

- No.
- Oh, look.

- Oh, dear.
That's really gone bang, hasn't it?

There's oil
coming out everywhere.

Do you know the number for
the emergency services?

No, I don't.

Do you know how to say,
"My Cadillac's broken down"?

- Do you know what junction you're at?
- No.

- Oh, dear.
- No, neither do I.

- Do you?
- No idea, no.

Come on,
we've got a long way to go.

Leaving the multilingual Brummie to deal
with the Chinese breakdown services,

James and I got back onto
what is fast becoming...

...the eighth wonder
of the world:

China's road network.

In 1988, China had
no motorways at all.

And now, 30 years later,
it has 84,000 miles of them.

That's more than any other
country in the world.

And they're only just
getting into their stride.

Since 2011, they've been building
6,000 miles of motorway every year.

6,000 miles a year!

It beggars belief and it's
not like the terrain is easy.

Here, though, there ain't
no mountain high enough

and there ain't no valley
low enough, to stop them.

This bridge, for example...

...is 34 miles long.

And then there's this one,
the Duge Beipanjiang Bridge.

You could fit the London
Shard underneath it...

...twice over.

I'm telling you.

In Britain, we're doomed.

We're doomed.

We were headed, though,
for an old road,

to test the one thing
we hadn't tested so far.

And here in China, it's
the most important thing.

The thing is, luxury's all
very well, but in China,

driving is
a relatively new thing.

People have only been
doing it for 30 years.

And as is the way with all
new things, it should be fun.

Eventually we...

Well, two of us, arrived at
the location we'd selected.

It's known as the 24-curve road

because it has
24 fun-filled curves.

It was built in 1935 to ferry
US m*llitary equipment to China.

And it hasn't really
been maintained since.

So the surface is
loose and potholed.

And it looked like
it should be a right laugh.

This was actually part
of the road that led...

the only road that linked the then
capital of China with India and Burma.

Yeah, well, before that,
all the supplies

that came into China had to
be flown over the Himalayas,

which was incredibly
dangerous in the '30s.

I think the Americans
lost something like 400...

Sorry... Sorry to interrupt,

have you seen this stupid thing?

Well, never mind that,
look what he's driving.

What, is that Hammond?

- I guess the Cadillac's
definitely broken, then.

Nice!

- Check out my Fulu.
- Why have you got that?

Well I wasn't gonna let you
have all the fun, was I?

Never mind that,
why have you got it?

My telephone translation device at
the toll booth worked to a degree,

to this extent.

What you...
Somebody got you a car?

Look, I got wheels,
three of them.

- What engine's it got?
- 588cc twin-cylinder two-stroke.

It's in the back.

Ah, look at that.

It's actually smaller
than its own air filter.

I was gonna say, my alternator's
bigger than that in the Mercedes.

Anyway, listen.
Here's what we're doing.

- Yeah.
- It's a test of speed.

Cos we are against the clock,
bear that in mind, OK?

And durability,
at the same time.

So you've got to get
up this road,

which goes all the way up there,

as fast as possible,

and keep your car
in one piece in the process.

Richard and I decided that James

should volunteer to go first.

Oh.

Oh, you look exactly like a racing
driver, apart from visually.

It's a racing clown.

Can we just get on with it?
It's very hot in here.

Going with your window
down or up? Lot of stones.

Down?

It's a small risk
from being hit by a stone.

It's a large risk of
dying from suffocation.

Right. Anything else
we wanna say to him?

Yes. "Go."

Just take some time
and prepare mentally,

and really think about this.

- Have you visualised the course?
- No.

OK.

- He looks quite cross.
- He does, yeah.

- Three, two, one, go!
- There you go.

Push.

Oh, God, I can't...

I can't see round right-hand
bends because of my sauna.

Whoa!

Massive hole there.

I've just realised that
I've only been comfortable

for 20 minutes
of this entire trip.

My car's been too hot,
my suit's too hot,

now the road's too rough.

Bit of squirrelling there from
the broken traction control.

The finish line!

I've done it!

Next, it was my turn.

Right, I'm attaching the wobbly-headed
symbol of Capitalism here,

to bring me good fortune
on this perilous test.

- If you're ready.
- Yes.

Five, four, three...

...two, one.

Go!

Now, I'm guessing James May
will have gone for caution.

I'm not going to.

Cos I'm going
for speed and power.

And then just trust
in the BMW build quality.

My wobbly-headed symbol
of Capitalism is wilting.

It's not... Arrrgh!

Jesus, that was
a big tail slide there!

Oh, yeah.

Stick it in here. Oh, yes.

Oh, what's happened?

Yeah.

- You overdid it, didn't you?
- Yeah.

So I've won that.

Well, we don't know.
We haven't got your time yet.

You said - your words: "Test of
durability and is against the clock."

Your car is broken.

- It's not broken, a tyre's come off.
- It's broken.

Down at the start line,

I was waiting
for the signal to go.

Hm. Little cubby hole.

Richard Hammond.

Hello, yes.

- Three, two, one, go!
- Oh, come on, I'm not...

Right, OK, here I go.

And we're off.

Oh, Christ! Oh.

I am limited on power.

Top speed: 39 miles an hour.

Ow, ow!

We're never gonna get an air
ambulance in here, are we?

Well, he might
have a very long winch.

Ohhh!

Big drops, I don't like that.
Ow!

Nervous of hill
climbs these days.

Agh, oh.

A line, use my line.

Ow.

Oh, my God!

Oh, dear!

Oh, God!

- Did anyone s...
- Was that...

- Did he just crash it? - Was that a crash
or did he just disappear behind the...

He has, look,
he's gone off there.

Er... so there we are,

I'm afraid that Richard Hammond's
luck has finally run out.

And it's with deep regret,
and great sadness,

that James and I must now
announce the untimely demise of...

I'm all right.

- Not again.
- How's he do it?

I don't know.

Well, on that terrible
disappointment,

back to the tent.

- Look at my face.
- I'm OK. I'm OK.

- Smug face.
- I'm fine.

- Don't worry.
- Smug.

Smug because I won that.

- No, you didn't.
- I did, I was the fastest.

And it was supposed to be a test of fun
and you moaned the entire way up the hill.

It was a test of durability. You had to
change a wheel and where's the fun in that?

Well, I wasn't the idiot that
put a sauna in my car.

What's wrong with a sauna?

Because in every hotel
that's got a sauna,

the corridors are
always full of wet idiots

with those slippers
that don't fit.

- Hello? Hello?
- What?

I did have quite a big crash
at the end there. I thought...

There's nothing particularly
remarkable about that, is there?

I mean, why would you...

The fact is,
the reason you crashed...

Well, obviously
you're incompetent.

But also because your Cadillac broke
down and your Mercedes was too humid.

So that means the winner is
definitely, of the whole thing,

the BMW 750i.

- What?
- Actually, no.

To be fair, the real winner of the
whole thing was our brilliant idea

to sell second-hand limos
to the Chinese.

No, he's absolutely right
about that,

because it makes them happy

and it helps us with
our balance of payments.

- Everybody wins.
- It was a good idea.

- Yes.
- Except for one tiny detail.

You see, this programme is shown in
every single country in the world.

Except one.

- Which one?
- China.

Ah.

So this entire show has been
a total waste of time.

It's an hour of your life
you'll never get back.

And on that terrible
disappointment, it's time to end.

Next week, I'm happy to say,
we're back in the groove.

We're in Scotland and I get an Alfa Romeo
GTV6, make me very happy.

See you then, take care.
Good night.

Good night.