03x08 - International Buffoons' Vacation

[bunniefuu]

- Thank you.
- Thank you.

Thank you.

Thank you very much,
everyone.

Now, welcome to what is
a Grand Tour special,

in which we go on vacation.

Yep. Let me explain.

The other day
we were wondering

why some people who want to
visit the western bit of America,

choose to do so on
an RV touring holiday.

It is very popular. I mean, we
all have friends who have done it.

And they say
they had a good time.

Sounds like caravanning
to us, though.

And you couldn't enjoy that...

unless you were mental.
However,

Mr Wilman says that since
this is a motoring,

and travel
and adventure show

he would rent us an RV.

And then we could
go over there

to see if we could find
out what the appeal is.

This was
the location he chose.

And this was the Winnebago
Chieftain that he rented for us.

And it was
very terrible in every way.

Chaps,
if you'd like to brace,

I'm gonna put my foot down,
see what she'll do. Happy?

- Yeah. - Yeah.
- Here we go.

40.

43.

That's flat-out.

This slowness put
Hammond and me in a bad mood.

You're just helping yourself
to cards. I...

I thought that was the idea.
Gotta find all the cards...

I have to have
a turn as well.

Well, that'll take ages.

Don't make my holiday worse
than it already is.

- It is pretty
bad in here, isn't it?

It's worse
than I thought it would be.

Who decided, "Yes, that wallpaper
makes it look like home"?

This material existed...

in the late-1960s
in South Yorkshire.

It's called pleblon
that we're sitting on.

And this - this is vulgalure.

RV design,
as far as I can tell,

stopped in 1972.

Yes.

It's a different
design language

and the language is: sh*t.

But all of this
doesn't trouble me

half as much as that.

We're here for a week.

At no point will
we be more than 12 feet

from where
the turds are stored.

His turds.

Look at this.

That's the lavatory door.

Look at it.
This is unacceptable.

What separates
us from the animals

is reason
and defecating in private.

You go somewhere comfortable, read
a newspaper, do your business.

You can't do that in there.

- What is
that shocking racket?

- Everything.
- Everything rattles because it's full of crap.

I'm not... I can't...
I can't do a week in here.

After just five miles
we'd had enough.

And pulled over
for a cup of American coffee.

Right. Recipe's very simple. Take
a coffee bean and razor blade.

Chop just the end off.
Lovely.

Let's check the...

Lukewarm? Yeah.

Pop it in.

Mix it up
till the water is

just slightly coloured.

- Perfect.
- So in conclusion, then,

there is no appeal
to an RV holiday, is there?

This whole experience
wouldn't be so bad

if we somehow could modify
it, so it's better to live in.

Well, only if
we could have one each.

Well, why don't we do that?

Get one each? Yeah, why
don't we just get one each?

And then modify it to suit
our particular requirements.

We don't have to have
all of this offensive...

We can do what we want.

We therefore
abandoned Mr Wilman's RV

and went off to buy our own.

Which we then personalised to
suit our individual holiday needs.

This is what I've gone for.

It's the Ford F550
National Tropical.

And... it's 36 feet long.

Why so massive?

I wanted to modify it
in such a way

that I brought a small
taste of home with me.

- Can you guess what it is?
- Er...

- Brown furniture.
- A tea cosy.

- A rusty motorcycle.
- No.

- Follow me.
- What?

Holy moly!

Whoa-ho!

Yes, welcome to the Rack and Pinion.
What will it be?

- I'm in a pub.
- I'm staggered.

It's got peanuts on
the wall, terrible pictures.

- Yes.
- This is fabulous.

- I know.
- Warm brown beer.

Yep. Would you like
a glass of Lady Petrol?

- Is that rosé? Lady Petrol?
- Yes. I've equipped it with your favourite drinks.

- What's that?
- That's for you.

Brummie's Ruin.

It's gin.
\- It's gin.

Have you remembered to ensure
there're sufficient

urine traces in the peanuts?

Yes,
I urinated on them myself.

Can I just ask: why have you got a drawing
of three stroke victims on the wall?

That's us.

- Er...
- What?

- Dartboard.
- Yes, it's a pub.

Darts is a fine game and helped
England win a lot of wars.

Darts is for people
who have no conversation.

- Rubbish!
- Who wants to go to the pub and do maths?

It's no good telling me what
you want your pub to be like.

- I don't want my pub...
- This is my pub. This is what it's like.

This is a traditional pub.

- This is what they look like.
- This is great. It works.

We're already talking
pub bollocks.

James, it's my job to
ridicule you, obviously.

But I can't. Because, apart from the
dartboard, you've done an incredible job.

- Thank you.
- But it isn't quite as incredible

as the job I've done.

Whoa! I've gone, as you
can see, for a nautical theme.

- In the desert.
- Yes, bear with me.

Two-tone paintwork,
obviously.

Jet ski on the back,
and then, up on the top,

and this really is the pièce de
résistance, the flying bridge.

- What, so you can drive it from outside?
- Why would you not do that?

- Because you built it.
- I hate jet skis, by the way.

I know, but I... You told me my
hatred of darts is irrelevant.

- You kept mentioning it.
- It does look nautical.

- Shoes off. Shoes off.
- What?

- Shoes off.
- Why?

- It's a boat.
- Oh, I hate that!

I can afford
£2 million on a boat,

but not a new bit of carpet if it
gets some dust on it off my shoes.

- It's a bit Surrey.
- Off.

- Oh, God.
- Right, good.

Right, boots are off. Whoa!

- What?
- Is this all bathroom?

Yes, obviously.
Or lavatory.

Shower here, tiled,
as you can see.

Tasteful.

Sink unit, vanity mirror,
restrained.

And...
just pop this open like so.

- Wow.
- Lower the flap,

which means
that in the morning...

I can... sit down

and I can...
well, I can see the pub.

As we know, luxury is
defined by light and space.

- Hm?
- So this is a luxurious bog.

- Correct.
- And also, look.

This is not some camping lavatory where
you defecate on a piece of plastic.

Observe.

Oh, it's a proper thing.

Well, how, where does...
where does that go?

- Underneath the RV.
- What, to, like, a t*nk or something?

No, underneath the RV.

What, you're going to
drive off in your bathroom

- leaving behind a mound of turds?
- Yes.

- Where are you gonna sleep?
- Here.

This is the exact same width
as my forearm.

Oh, yes.

It's more of
a cupboard, really, isn't it?

The roof, however,
was a different story.

- Whoa!
- Oh, I say.

Well, this is wasted space
normally, isn't it?

- Exactly.
- It's pretty good this, Hammond.

- But hang on a minute.
- What?

This is... This is very impressive.

- It's very...
- Aargh! Ha-ha, ha ha-ha!

Oh, yes!

- Ha, ha-ha!
- Oh, ho.

- So that's something to look forward to.
- Aargh!

Yeah, don't let
skin touch anything.

Right, so assuming you were able
to sit in the scaldingly hot seat.

- Yes.
- Under the blazing sun.

- Yes.
- How does it work?

Have you got brakes
and accelerator and...

Accelerating.

- Braking.
- Right.

- Gears.
- Oh, so it really is a boat.

Yeah. Look, the way I see it
is this, gentlemen.

Almost no one would want to go
on holiday in a 36-foot caravan,

but everybody
would bite your arm off

to go on holiday
in a 36-foot gin palace.

- They're not really that different.
- No, they're not.

It's just one floats on water
and one goes on land.

- Right, Hammond.
- Yes.

- Where's yours?
- Over there.

- What, behind the lorry?
- No, it is the lorry. That's it.

That's not an RV.

It is. Look, it's big, I can sleep on
it and it's got a bike on the back.

That's a recreational
vehicle right there.

This we have got to see.

It's big and it needs to move along,
so a truck is the obvious answer.

- What sort of truck is it?
- I don't know. Truck.

These are the ones that used
to be the U-Haul lorry. Ooh!

You've still got the sign
of the previous owner on it.

It doesn't matter.

Come aboard,
leave your shoes on,

cos this wood
is very splintery.

Um...

Here's the living
accommodation.

- What living accommodation?
- There's a bed.

There, bed. Telescope in case
I get bored in the evening.

And then rocking chair in case of
visitors and a motorcycle on the back.

So, just two secs.

- Stacks.
- Yeah.

- Engine?
- It's got a V8.

- Whose?
- Mine now, I bought the truck.

You have made
no effort whatsoever.

Oh, no, now I have,
but I've distilled it down.

I haven't wasted time and effort
on complicated stuff I don't need.

- This is honest.
- So when you come to my...

and say, "Please, Jeremy, can I
borrow your lavatory?" in the morning,

I'm gonna say no, cos you
accused me of wasting time.

And if you want to come to my
pub for a drink of your gin,

which I've put on tap
for you, I'll say,

"No, it's just
a waste of time, Hammond."

I didn't realise we were setting up
a sort of stock exchange of resources

- needed by the roaming camper.
- Hammond?

Yes?

Your lorry, I'm not
gonna call it an RV...

- It isn't an RV.
- Is dismal.

God strewth.

On that note, we set off...

to see what our RVs
and Hammond's lorry,

were like on the road.

So, let's have a look at what
we've got on the dash here.

Left-hand panel: don't know
what any of that does.

Central panel,
four warning lights.

Don't know what they're for.

They've got
handwritten notices

but that's all rubbed off.

Everything on the right-hand panel: CB
radio, stereo tape player etcetera -

all broken.
Switch here?

Nothing.

Air con is good, though, and that,
frankly, is all that matters.

It's 100 degrees out there.

Hello, viewers.
You join me driving my pub.

And given that the two things
I do most in life

are driving
and going to the pub,

this is a perfect
arrangement, isn't it?

Go on, change up,
you bastard.

Thank you.

Nice view, that.

Better than the view
from my pub back home.

That's a view of a wall
and some bins.

Hello, America.
I'm here to explore.

I'm not gonna push it
hard up this hill,

cos I've noticed
it's running quite hot.

Yeah, doing er...
15 miles an hour,

but... I'm really not
in a race.

Yeah, I'm down
to 13 miles an hour.

Which is plenty.

That's... That's my engine.

My engine is backfiring.

Yeah.

You don't wanna
break down round here.

This is where
all the madmen live...

that follow you in pick-up
trucks and black lorries.

What is...?

What's that?

What the hell?

Did you see that guy?

I didn't see anybody. Where?

What guy?

The guy at the side of
the road. Did you see him?

No, I didn't see anybody.

No,
there was nobody in the road.

Jeremy.

Why aren't you driving
yours on the roof?

Well, it's annoying.

It turns out off-road
I can drive it on the roof,

but when I'm on the road,

there's a law
that says I can't.

What, that you can't drive
your RV from the roof?

- Yeah, I know.
- It's health and safety gone mad.

It's ridiculous.

My only real issue, and
it is - it's significant -

is that my idle speed
is 5,000rpm,

which means my foot is
now not on the accelerator

and I'm now doing 48.

Oh, Christ...
Hang on, wait, stand by.

You have to jab
the throttle like that,

to get it to stop
accelerating,

which, of course, causes
you to accelerate more.

So if there's an emergency,

I must
accelerate like that...

to then be able
to slow down.

Look at that.

If he had a purple jacket on

he'd look like
one of those men

who takes old ladies
on tours of North Wales.

I'm going to pull in in
front of you, so tell me when I can.

Not yet. Not yet.

Not yet. Not yet.

Not yet. Not yet.

Now.

Can you speed up a bit, Hammond?
We're all bunching up.

Urrrrh!

I can't go
much faster than this.

It starts to overheat
quite badly and suddenly.

I'm not sure
I'd trust us three doing...

doing this.

Soon we arrived in
a typical American town.

Which, of course,
had a typical RV campsite.

This'll do. We're home.

So, we decided
to check in for the night.

Ow.

33 I'm looking for.

That's me.

Stop, stop.

Stop. Stop.

Idle speed has gone
completely berserk.

I do apologise, everybody.

There's literally
nothing I can do.

That is my idle speed.

Aargh! Ha-ha, ha-ha!

My ignition key is at
3,000 degrees centigrade.

Sorry, everyone.
Sorry about the noise.

I know,
we'll use the director.

Sorry, mate,
if you could just

turn the engine off
that would be great.

Call 911. He's going to need
some fingers in a minute.

Ow!

Yeah, it does that.

How hot
are those ignition keys?

Hot!

Not as hot as
the cameraman's right leg.

Yeah, that nearly took my...

That was flame
enveloped your right leg.

Oh, sh... Oh, guys.

We have an emergency.

Yeah.

On the other, more
peaceful side of the park,

I'd settled down
to soak up life in my row.

Hello, neighbour.

I'll come over later, maybe
play cards or something.

That dog's taking a wee.

Meanwhile, at the Rack and
Pinion, it was opening time.

Drop by for a beer later
if you like.

As James got
acquainted with his neighbours,

Hammond was showing me
the view from his veranda.

There is a compound there where
you take your dog for a crap.

Is that... is
that a dog lavatory? Yes.

My... My porch overlooks it.

Can I tell you
what a member of our crew,

who I won't name because it'd
be embarrassing, but it was...

- What does it begin with?
- It was Ellis the photographer it begins with.

He said to me, is when people
come round these places,

- what you do is...
- Yeah?

It's not for camera.

You put the word "a**l" in front of
all of the names of the caravans.

- So you've
got a**l Wanderer...

a**l Gearbox...

- a**l Desire.
- a**l Hemisphere.

a**l Open Range.
a**l Cougar.

a**l Sprinter.

That's what you do!

Over at the pub, James was
dispensing drinks to the locals.

It's a bit lively, sir. I'm sorry,
but the pub has been on the move

- and rattled around quite a bit.
- Oh, I bet.

If you leave that just to
settle for a few minutes.

I'll try a warm brown,
please.

- More foamy?
- A little bit foamy.

If you'd like to just let
that settle for a bit, sir.

I think I'll go with
a Jack Daniels.

Having run out of bottom jokes,
Hammond and I had gone for a walk

in what's billed as the
great American wilderness.

- Is that a scrapyard?
- Yes.

I do prefer
the Lake District.

Back at the pub, James
was entertaining his guests

with his conversation.

What you call warm British beer
to us is cellar temperature,

which is not as cold as a refrigerator
but colder than room temperature.

Right, right, right.

Erm... anybody mind
if I have one?

- No. Help yourself.
- No. Help yourself.

I mean, there must
be more to it than this.

You do wonder
what people do.

I don't wonder.
I know what they do.

They wife-swap.

- Sunset?
- It's lovely.

- Hammond.
- What?

- Hammond. Do you...?
- What?

- Did you see that?
- See what?

- What?
- No, nothing.

- I'm going to turn in.
- Yeah, you're right. Sleep.

Well, this year, because
we've had a record summer,

it's actually
very warm and sunny

but usually...
September's all right

but by the time you get to November,
certainly, it's getting cold.

The worst bit in England
is sort of January...

After James had run
out of his conversation,

he shut his pub for the night

and came round to my place
with a plan.

Clarkson.

Clarkson.

- What?
- I've got an idea.

- What?
- To go and burgle Hammond's tent.

You know how he's been burgled
before and he just doesn't notice?

- Oh, my God, yes.
- Exactly.

Hammond claimed after he
was burgled on holiday last year,

he hadn't woken up because
the burglars had gassed him.

Yeah, right.

- Where's his lorry tent?
- The far side.

Where's all my stuff?

The bastards!

- Good morning.
- Hm. Dubious.

Ow.

Clarkson!

- What?
- Have you stolen my bag?

- What?
- Have you stolen my bag?

- No.
- Yes, you have.

I haven't.

Took everything.

That's all I have.

- You've been burgled?
- Yes.

They must have gassed you.

That's all I can think of,
Hammond.

I know that you're saying
that to be funny. Ha-ha!

Well, that's what you said
when you got burgled in France.

- Because it probably was.
- But you probably were again last night.

- How are you feeling?
- You haven't got it? Seriously?

I haven't got your bag.

James.

- James...
- Hang on.

- Have you stolen my bag?
- You what?

- Have you stolen my bag?
- No.

He's just this
lonely little figure.

Shall we let him have breakfast before
we admit that we've got his bag?

Well...

I don't really want to
sit eating breakfast

with him naked, that's the thing.

Hammond, I think
we've solved your crime.

We've solved it.

We have found the gas
canisters, look, here.

It's a lot of gas.

If you've had
this much gas...

It looks like
a litre and a half of gas.

It's interesting they've
spelt gas wrong, look.

Well, they got
the first letter right.

Look, here.

You're saying
I gassed myself?

They weren't both full
when I started.

- That's
because you'd already started them.

Having given
Hammond his clothes back,

we met for breakfast
at the pub.

I was kept awake for some time last
night by the man in the neighbouring RV

- scratching his eczema.
- Ooh.

Or might have been
sanding a table.

No, I had a couple
in the one next to me.

- And when I say next to me, I mean here.
- Yes.

- Why do they do that?
- I don't know.

Nevada's massive.

Why would you park your...
"Right, we're going to Nevada"

because it's massive and empty
and I'm going to park there,

so that they can hear the precise
moment when my wife and I...

"do grown-up things."

We then discussed what holiday
activity we'd do to fill the day.

- Balloon rides.
- I hate balloons!

- The world's largest gift shop.
- No.

How do they know it's
the world's largest?

Is it a shop containing
the world's largest gift?

No.

Yes.

Is there anything a bit more
cultural, like Indian art?

Or Native American,
as we should say.

You just said Indian,
you r*cist.

That's not actually r*cist.

James, we're not going to
look at Native American art.

- Why not?
- It's rubbish.

How do you know it's rubbish?

- Because I've seen it. It's rubbish.
- You haven't seen all of it.

Well, I've seen some. I've seen
enough of it to know it's dreary.

- Sunrise meditation.
- Oh, that'll be good.

It isn't good. What would
be good about that?

I don't know because I haven't seen
it but I'm prepared to have a look.

Why don't we...
You know those big Baja

off-road 28-inch suspension
travel things?

- Dune racer type things.
- Dune racers.

Why don't we get three of those
and belt around in the desert?

- Yes.
- Cos that would be bovine.

I wouldn't learn anything
from that.

I'd rather go and do
something cultural.

Blasting around a dune
sounds like fun.

Come on. I tell you what,

you want to go and
do Native American art.

Mm-hm.

- We want to go dune racing. Yes?
- Right.

Let's have a vote.

I would be driving this.

A Jakes Fabworks JF5U.

James would be driving this.

An Alumi Craft Class 10.

And Hammond would have this.

A plastic green
pick-up truck.

OK. Now,
this is supposed to be...

Ow! ..a Volkswagen Beetle.

Because that is
where this sport began -

people racing Bugs
round the desert.

But it's got a 2.4 litre
Chevrolet engine...

and a sequential gearbox.

The only thing it really has in
common with a Beetle is nothing.

Jumping!

Ha-ha!

Over we go, 16 inches of
suspension travel at the front.

18 at the back means landing
is really very comfortable.

Oh, yes!

My 2013 Currie underneath
this plastic pick-up body

has the same tubular space
range chassis as the other two.

But I've only got
a two-litre engine.

However, it's a Ford Eco
Boost, so it's turbo-charged.

And they've tuned it so
it's putting out just shy...

Landing!

Of 300 brake horsepower.

And now I'm gonna fly again.

Aagh! Ha-ha-ha!

This is bliss.

Meanwhile, in the
Alumi Craft Class 10...

I've got dust in my face.

It doesn't have a windscreen.

I don't like cars with no
windscreen.

Why do I let the others
talk me into this?

Why don't I just tell them
to bugger off?

Ahhh-ha-ha!

Last time I did that
it ended very badly!

The races they do in these
things are enormous.

Hundreds, sometimes
1,000 miles or more.

Sometimes they'll spend nine
hours a day in the driving seat.

Oh! I so want one of these.

Come on, let's have
some air here!

Yeah! Ha-ha-ha!

What a riot!

How can James May
not enjoy this?

As it happened,
he was starting to enjoy it.

And weeeee!

Getting sideways a bit.

Whoa.

Watch me fly! Here I go.

Ha-ha!
I'm gonna do one more.

After Billy Bob May
had had his fun...

Weeeee!

- We all stopped for a breather.
- Yes.

I don't like admitting you're right, but
I can be magnanimous. It's brilliant.

You've wasted your life
with Chopin and plywood.

You're a dune racer.

You've always been a dune racer,
you just didn't know you were.

It was just fantastic,
and it's comfortable.

That's the thing. It's comfortable
motorsport because of the suspension.

It's just... It's brilliant.

- It's cheapskate motorsport.
- Is it?

It's cheapskate motorsport for people
with dicky backs, that's what it is.

Because landing is so soft.

Oh, sometimes I'm
thinking, have I landed?

Yes.

I've got a brilliant idea.
What are you looking at?

What?

There's something glinting
up there.

- There isn't.
- Yeah, whatever.

It's just...

Anyway, what's
your brilliant idea?

- Anyway, I've got a brilliant idea.
- What?

Time trial, flying lap,

one at a time
against the clock.

I'll go first.

You really...
You must put that right.

Where's me car?

- He really has taken to it, hasn't he?
- He really has.

Having jumped back in, Billy
Bob embarked on his flying lap.

Here he comes.

Go!

Here we go.

Wayyyy!

That's James May!

It's just not right, is it?

What's next? He's gonna
take up cage fighting?

I'm flying!

Oh, my God!

Look at this. He's actually
kicking the arse out.

- 57 seconds.
- Well, we don't know

whether that's fast or not
but it is less than a minute.

Is that the first time he's done
anything in less than a minute?

He can't open a car door

- in less than a minute.
- No. Or sign his name.

No, that's two minutes,
definitely.

Biggles is back.

I can do a slightly
better one than that.

- Can I have another go?
- Oh, for God's sake!

Next it was my turn.

I just wanna say, Hammond.

- What?
- You have twice as much horsepower as me,

and, May, you have 50
horsepower more than I've got.

So it's only my immense skill that's
going to put me in contention here.

- Is it?
- Well, what else is there?

He won't have any excuses
ready for the end at this rate.

Yours weighs less. It's 200
kilograms lighter than this.

- Ma-ma-ma-ma-ma-ma.
- Ma-ma-ma-ma-ma-ma.

I'm just saying, in
case I'm not as quick.

Eventually, Mr
Racing Excuses was underway.

Here he comes,
into his flying lap.

Right, here we go.

- Did I make that much noise?
- Yes.

Concentrating very hard.

He's not very good
through there.

Getting a bit squirrely now.

No, he's rubbish
through there.

No! I was airborne there

long enough for them
to serve me their snacks.

Get it straight.

And there we are.

I don't know how I've done,
but it felt pretty good to me.

There are few things
in life I enjoy more

than delivering bad
news to Jeremy Clarkson.

It's possibly
my favourite thing.

Forcing myself
not to do a little dance.

How much faster was I?

Well, unless your seconds
were smaller,

you were slower,
because you were 58.5.

- What was he?
- 57.81.

What that means is
he b*at you.

I cannot believe that.

Has anybody got a g*n?

Finally, it was
the turn of Ricky Redneck.

- Right, ready with the stop watch.
- Here we go.

This is how you do this.

Oh, yeah.

He's in a pick-up
truck, on a loose surface.

Yeah, he's at home.

You know at the moment
you're winning?

- Yeah.
- In a minute, you won't be.

- What are you looking at?
- That glint.

- You see it?
- No.

Thrashing air!

Ah-ha-ha!

Into the left-hander.

Keep it tight.

Oh, what was that?

What the hell was that?

- That was...
- What's the matter with him?

Has he bust the gear box?

What...
Not very quick.

What was the matter?

That was the weirdest thing.

- What?
- It's like a ricochet.

As I wasn't interested
in Hammond's excuses...

we got back into our RVs
and hit the road.

Ping, it was like a rico...
like it came off something.

I suppose it could have
been a stone.

Hold on a minute.

May, are you behind me?

Is my RV drooping slightly?

Well, funnily enough
I was just looking at that.

I would say
it's very down on the left.

That's broken, isn't it?

Yeah, it's leaning a lot.

Mate, it really is leaning.
That's collapsed.

That's how it's
supposed to be.

Yeah, some distance between
the body and the ground.

Yeah, you can see more wheel on
this side than the other side.

However, as I wasn't interested
in Clarkson's mechanical issues either,

we got back
on the road again.

Right, so here's
the situation.

I'm driving my RV with an
overheating, over-revving engine,

and collapsed suspension,
on an interstate.

Feels safe, that.

Soon it was time
to find a campsite,

and since we didn't fancy another
night in a horrible RV park,

and we had
all the comforts we needed,

we decided to freestyle it
in the wilderness.

I think it's
an excellent idea.

I mean, dune buggy racing is
fantastic, and I won,

but it is quite hot
and sweaty and dusty

and we can balance that with
peace and quiet and a starry sky.

I mean, that's gonna be
fantastic out here.

I might write a few lines
of verse.

So, we turned off the interstate
to find a nice spot to park up.

Oh, yeah, now we are getting
into the great outdoors.

James, how's my jet ski?

Yep, you're fine.

Eventually we found the
perfect spot at the side of a lake.

- However...
- I can't stop.

I've lost braking!
I've lost braking!

I have no control!

Using nothing
but blind panic...

Stop, stop!

Stop!

I eventually brought
my stupid RV to heel.

Oh, for Christ's sake.

Right.

With no help from the crew,
I removed the jet ski...

Excellent.

And then tried to move
the RV onto level ground.

Come on. Fire, baby.

Come on, you know
you wanna be an engine.

Hah!
His jet ski's fallen off.

OK, bit of jiggery pokery,
we'll get round there. Ohhh.

Jeremy. Stop!

Has...

Jesus!

Give me strength.

Oh, what's happened to my...
I'm really sorry.

Oh, sh*t,
have I hit your axle?

- I mean your prop shaft?
- Er... yeah.

- And I...
- And that's a wrap.

With that, back to the tent.

They are actually tied
in a knot.

Once the ape
had untangled himself,

and we were all parked,

I settled down to write some
poetry in the evening stillness.

Hello, mate. Ooh-hoo!

Bartender, can I have a beer?

I can't hear you over
that appalling racket.

What?

I can't hear you over
that appalling racket.

- Can I have a beer?
- I can't hear you

over that racket.
No, you can't.

- Oh, come on.
- It's run out.

It's hasn't run out.
It's a pub!

It's run out of beer for you.

I'm a tired and thirsty
traveller from out in the desert.

If you put the appalling
two-stroke motorcycle away,

and come in the pub,
you can have a beer.

- Otherwise you can go...
- Oh, look at that! -Oh no.

Power! Come on!

May!

Yee-ha!

Oh, ha! May!

Hey, hey! Well,
I'm not not missing out.

Jet ski, jet ski,
sounding shite,

on Lake Vegas,
left and right.

Rotax engine, rin bin bin.

I hope the owner's arse
caves in.

Oh, ha-ha!

As darkness fell,
we put the toys away

and James turned in
for a good night's sleep.

Sadly for him, though,

Hammond and I had decided
to do a bit of stargazing.

Hammond, what are you doing?

Setting my lights up.

What for?

Well, you've seen
Close Encounters.

Yes.

Well, I've got the
full setup here, mate.

This desert that we're in

lies between Area 51
and Roswell.

One of the primary and main alien
hotspots on this whole planet, mate.

Oh, shut up.

What's that for?

To power the lights.
And the keyboard.

- What? A keyboard?
- You've seen the film.

I am not gonna miss an
opportunity to do this here.

Do you actually
believe in this stuff?

Yes, there's enough evidence,
enough people who've seen them.

The American Government,
came out and said.

Area 51 was real.
It's a thing.

It's a thing cos it's... It's
an aviation testing place.

It's Edwards Air Force base.

Yeah, they say that. They'll never
tell you exactly what it is. 62%.

Roswell was
a nuclear experiment,

I think, called Mogul.

62% of Americans believe in
intelligent alien life. 62%.

80% of Americans
don't have passports.

- Hammond.
- What?

You're an alien, you've come a
very great distance to earth.

- Yes.
- Why do they always land

in Southwest America?

It's big and open and quiet.

Why do they want to land
on a planet where it's quiet?

To have a mooch about in
secret,

- not be interfered with.
- Why don't they talk to us?

Why don't they land in London?

They might wanna talk to us.

They could land in Hyde Park.

Listen, I can talk to them.

Oh, sorry. Wait a minute.

Oh, no.

- Wait a minute.
- Oh, for God's sake, get it right.

Oh. No, wait.

No.

No.

- Hammond.
- What?

- You see that guy?
- Where?

He's gone.

It's pitch...
There's nobody out there.

It's just a desert.

That's why the aliens
come here.

Weird.

No.

For God's sake, shut up!

No.

The next morning, the
vista from my RV was terrible.

- Are you?
- Am I what?

Having a dump?

- Yes.
- Oh, for...

The whole point of sitting here
is to enjoy this magnificent view.

I was here first.
You're spoiling my view.

- I'm spoiling your view?
- Yes.

I'm not crapping in it.

We then headed over
to the pub for breakfast.

However...

Why haven't you
made us breakfast?

Because breakfast is reserved
exclusively for my friends,

and none of them are here.

Have you seriously
not made us anything?

Yes, seriously,
I have not made you anything.

I'm hungry.

Well let's not
get bogged down

with his
unbelievable selfishness.

It really is, though.

Let's work out
what we're going to do today.

Dune buggy racing.

You've already done that.
We've all done that.

I thought we could
go to a race track.

- No, not a race track.
- Why not a race track?

- I don't like race tracks.
- You like dune buggies.

That's dune buggies. Normal
race tracks are just boring.

- Oh, come on, it'll be great fun.
- OK, we'll settle it.

Let's have a vote.

This was the track we chose.

The Spring Mountain
race complex.

And the cars?

Well, I went for the latest,

and last ever,
front-engined Corvette.

Hammond went for the Jeep
Grand Cherokee Terrahawk.

And May, still craving
a bit of peace and quiet,

went for the Cadillac CTS-V.

And this was all tremendous.

But before we
got down to business,

I made a terrible mistake,

and asked my colleagues
a technical question.

All three of these cars have
6.2 litre supercharged V8s.

- Yes? Yes.
- Yes, they do, yes.

What I want to know is,
right,

- they're all pushrod engines.
- Mm-hm.

Now, whenever I'm presented
with a pushrod engine,

I know I have to go,
"..pushrod?"

But I don't know why.

What is a pushrod engine?

It's an engine where pushrods
activate the valve train.

The valves on top
of the cylinders

have to open and close
to let the mixture get out.

Rather than having camshafts over
the top doing that, opening them,

they have a single camshaft
at the bottom

that operates rods
that push the valves.

American cars have pushrod
engines and can't rev quickly.

They have bigger capacities with long
stroke, which makes the engine bigger.

The problem is, for an equal
capacity engine, with overhead cams,

the engine would be bigger but you
wouldn't need the extra capacity

because it would rev higher and
deliver more power at a higher RPM.

But, on the other hand, if you had
a high-revving sports car engine,

such as an Italian one, you would have
a very over square piston dimension,

which would make
the engine squatter,

and a dry sump, which would
allow you to mount it lower...

After a couple of hours,

I invited Hammond
to stop talking

and try out what is America's
answer to the Lamborghini Urus...

the Terrahawk.

Pulling this 700-horsepower,
6.2-litre supercharged V8

out of a Dodge
Challenger Hellcat

into a Jeep off-roader,

might sound like
it makes as much sense

as fitting me
with Usain Bolt's legs.

I mean, the power's there but nothing
else about the machine can handle it.

But it's more than
just a cartoon.

They've really thought
about this thing.

They've upgraded every
component in the drivetrain

between the engine
and the wheel.

Sometimes the metals they
were using in the car industry

weren't strong enough
to take the forces involved,

so they went to
the aeronautical industry.

0-60, less than 3.5 seconds.

Top speed, 180 miles an hour.

It's...

This is a 2.5-ton
off-roader!

And because
it's four-wheel-drive,

it can apply
those 700 horsepower

much, much more effectively

than the two-wheel-drive
Challenger and Demon cars.

The world, in no way,
needs this.

But that's kind of why
the world needs it.

I've chosen this Cadillac
because it's comfortable.

I mean, it will do 200 miles an
hour and it has 640 horsepower,

but mainly it's comfortable.

Oh, there's a dip
in the road.

But the Cadillac
just soaks it up.

Mmm.

Things were rather
different, however, in my car.

The swan song Corvette.

Bloody hellfire!

It's called the ZR1 and it's
the loudest, fastest,

most powerful Corvette ever.

Ah.

Oh, ho-ho-ho!

You get 755 horsepower.

715 torques.

Does 0-60 in 2.8 seconds.

Now, that's all down to
what GM calls the BAS.

The Big Ass Supercharger.

It takes 110 horsepower
just to run it,

but you get
290 horsepower back,

so it's a good deal.

This engine runs on a type of fuel you
can't even buy in California any more,

and needs 13 radiators
to keep it cool,

especially here.

Where are we? What,
ten miles from Death Valley?

It is, I'm afraid, though...

Ooh, sh*t!

a tricky little bastard.

It's got a huge amount of mechanical
and invisible aerodynamic grip,

which is fine if you want
to set a lap record.

The trouble is,
if you go beyond the limit,

it becomes almost
unbelievably difficult...

to control.

Look at it.

Last year,
an executive vice president

of something or other
at General Motors...

I won't say his name,
just that it begins with M

and ends in ark Reuss...

he was driving one of these

as the pace car
at the Indy race in Detroit,

and he got to
the second corner

before he lost control
and put it in a wall.

Everybody laughed at him and everybody's
looked at his crash on YouTube,

but the fact is,
I feel your pain, Mark.

Jesus.

Oooh.

Rather worryingly,
Hammond then announced

that we should have
a drifting competition.

OK, this is gonna be
something else, isn't it?

But, because he's a moron,
he hadn't factored in

that he was driving
a boxy and wobbly 4X4.

And a little touch
on the brake, throw it in,

instigating an absolutely
beautiful drift.

- Oh, I don't know.
- Look.

What's he trying to do?

That was a bit violent.

It lacks the predictability

of a lower,
rear-wheel drive car.

I'm not blaming the car,
because the car's wonderful.

But it's the car.

With Hammond
having scored nought,

it was my turn,
in the mental mobile.

And then flick it round.

No drifting at all.
That's just driving around.

Right, now come on,
Jeremy, turn it in.

Oh, hello! Oh, no!

That's spinning.

So he needs to find
a sort of happy medium

between spinning
and simply driving along.

That's pretty much what
drifting is, isn't it?

Yeah.

Would you like to get
a cup of coffee or something?

I'm sure I'll get it
worked out in a minute.

This is the problem.
He doesn't bore easily.

Right, now come on, Jeremy,
come on!

I kept trying.

No.

No, I'm gonna go back. I'm...

What is he doing?

Oh, hell!

Oh, yes, that's not
gone brilliantly.

How do you score this,
apart from not very highly?

No, I've gone again.

Until eventually...

Fire. Fire.

Small fire.

That clutch?
I think it's clutch.

Nothing... Nothing to see.

After my car was put out,

it was the turn
of William Wordsworth.

What we've got here
is a drifting competition

featuring two cars
that can't drift

and a third which can,

but which is being driven
by a man who can't.

The only good thing is
he'll do it once, very badly,

there'll be a chirp of tyres,

he'll think that was a drift

and then we can
move on.

Did you see me drift?

- Un-James May start there.
- Very exuberant start.

Hang on a minute!

- Impossible.
- Unexpected.

- Impossible.
- Unlikely.

Impossible.
Hold on, where's he going?

That's the pit lane. He's going
the wrong way down the pit lane.

Is that...
Is that James down there...

What's he...

- He's left the track.
- Hello!

The only tall building for
miles around and he's...

- That's not even...
- Where's he going?

I don't know.

- Why are you not in that?
- I cheated.

- How did you cheat?
- I was at the pits

and I met a bloke hanging around,
who said he was a drifter,

so I sent him out in the car.

You do know "drifter",
in America,

means something
entirely different to the UK?

- Yeah.
- You've just given your car away.

- To a tramp.
- Yeah.

- There he goes.
- What good work.

Well thought out.

Leaving May to deal
with the insurance issues,

Hammond and I
headed back to the campsite,

which meant passing
through a local town.

I'll tell you what,
Hammond, do you fancy a beer?

Yeah,
they'll have a bar here.

Yeah, they must do.

Just the one,
though, eh? Let's not go mad.

I am a golden god!

Turn that **** music off!

I'm gonna go left!
I'm gonna go right!

Have you made breakfast
for yourself again?

Yes, I have. And I've decided
what we're doing today.

- What?
- We're going to Red Lake.

Oh, good, I can get
my jet ski out.

No, you can't. It's
a dried-up lake. Beautiful.

- Is it off-road to get there?
- All the way.

That means
I can drive from the roof.

But I have got to go
and attach all the...

um... you know,
the stuff upstairs.

Right.
While you do that,

Adam Ant can clean himself up
and I'll enjoy my breakfast.

Then... that goes up there.

And that slots into there.

Brake linkages.

Goes in there. Yeah.

Bit Heath Robinson,
but it'll work.

Oh, mate, you missed
a hell of a party.

I was aware of it.

Why didn't you come to the party?
You would have loved it.

You like dancing.
There was definitely dancing.

I think there was
a live band.

I was already in bed.

Good. So, starting engine.

Engaging drive. Here we go.

There must have been 30 or 40 people
in the room when the police arrived.

Ohh!

Clarkson!

Oh, mate,
it landed jam-side down.

Once the flotsam and
jetsam had been cleared away,

we set off for Red Lake.

Hammond and May decided
to go as the crow flies.

Whereas I took
the longer route...

on a gentle track.

Oh, this is just heaven.

A lavatory
with a flying bridge.

I mean, what I've done here
is I have turned

one of the most dreary driving
experiences in the world

into one of the best.

I honestly believe that
sometimes my genius...

it generates gravity.

Meanwhile,
on the rougher route...

Oh...

James, I'm not sure
about this.

Well,
it's the shortest way.

I know this may look a bit mad but
people obviously do this in RVs,

cos you see them parked
out in the middle of nowhere.

Even if it's only
making meth.

However, soon the terrain
started to get much rougher.

sh*t!

Come on, come on.

Come on, come on, come on!

Ahhh, ha-ha!

Argh! Argh!

Woah! sh*t!

Hammond,
your bike's fallen off.

Oh, bloody hell,
I'll go back and get it.

Er... I wouldn't bother,
to be honest.

That's the... kick-start.

The exhaust is wedged
under the back wheel.

The kick-starter's come off.

The handlebars are bent,
the fork's twisted.

Foot peg.

It's broken
the two-stroke oil...

I'm really sorry you won't be able to
ride it around tonight. That's a shame.

Going right.

Going left.

Everything is working well.

Quite rattly, I admit.

Er... nasty, that...

Uuurrhhh...

That's the collapsed
rear suspension.

Don't judge me.

Back on our trail,

the going wasn't getting
any smoother.

Jesus!

Hammond, stop!
My pub's exploded.

Oh, no!

- Oh, jeez.
- Ha!

Your one pleasure has been
taken away from you.

- That's my warm brown beer.
- Gone!

- Oh, God.
- Is the gin OK?

- Yes.
- Ha-ha-ha!

Do you know my pub?
You're barred.

Figuring there was nothing
important left to break...

we soldiered on.

God, it's hot. The steering
wheel's getting...

Hammond,
my windscreen's falling out.

It's fallen... It's broken.

Oh!

Oh, dear.

You know you're gonna have to take
the rest of it out, don't you?

Well, you are. You can't...

I mean, that's not...
advisable, is it?

No. Thank you for your input.

What I've done,
is I've taken out

the good half
of the windscreen

before it falls out
and gets broken,

and I've stowed that
in the back

until I get somewhere where
I can do a proper repair.

And then I've borrowed
Hammond's motorcycle goggles,

cos he doesn't
need them any more.

Eventually, all three of us were
reunited at our destination...

Red Lake.

Any problems to report, apart from the
fact most of your RV's missing, May?

No, everything's fine. The
air conditioning's excellent.

What an astonishing lake
this is.

There must have been global
warming in the olden days

to have created this
astonishing spectacle.

What caused the global
warming back then, I wonder?

This is like a scene
out of Independence Day.

Jeff Goldblum, Will Smith,
that drunk man.

Yeah, that's pretty much us.

Hammond, did you do that
on the back of May's?

Yes, I did.

A pub needs a name and a sign

and I've combined it
with the landlord's name.

Love your work.

Bit of a bump there.

Ha-ha! Jet ski's fallen off!

I probably should
tell him, but...

my radio's on the seat
down there

and it would be irresponsible
to take my hand off the wheel.

Before I tell him about that, I'll help
him along with it a bit. Here we go.

James must have a problem with
his brakes, cos he can't stop

and keeps hitting
the back of the jet ski.

Oh! Oh, dear, oh, dear.

Oh. it doesn't work
so well on sand.

Clarkson, your jet
ski's fallen off. Just then.

- What?
- Just then...

Slowing it down.
Easing it down.

- Is it broken?
- Oh, yes.

I had to swerve
like mad to avoid it.

It's a good job
I was behind you.

If there was nobody
to see that,

you could have
dragged that for 50 miles.

- How long have I been dragging it for?
- 20, 30 feet.

James, I can see
where it fell off.

And I'm gonna guess
that's three miles ago.

I couldn't get my radio.

Having cut
the ruined jet ski free,

we resumed our journey
across the lake bed.

Gotta open the pub
in ten minutes.

Hey, Priscilla, is
it nice and breezy up there?

Oh, going for the relaxed, easy
driving style now. There it is.

First time I've ever driven
with my feet up, and I like it.

Oh, hell!

Jesus Christ!

Might ease it down a bit.

sh*t.

My steering works
but I have no gears

and no throttle
and no braking.

I'm gonna have to
retake control.

Here we go.

Where's he going?

He's abandoned his steering!

It's jammed!

What? It's...

It's jammed!
I can't open the hatch!

Well, I can't open it.

The hatch is jammed.

Er... guys, could you do like
a pincer movement, OK?

Come alongside me
at the same time

and try and slow me down.

So, what, we're gonna squeeze
you and then slow you?

- We'll be your brakes?
- Yeah.

So keep steering into me while braking.
We'll try and stop it.

sh*t.

OK, guys, come in!

Roger.

If this works,
it'll be a miracle.

OK, steady. Match my speed.
Match my speed.

Matching your speed.

Steering in. Steering in.

OK, start to brake.
Start to brake.

Braking, braking.

OK,
this is working. This is working.

My fuel t*nk
is just down there, so...

Right. Oh, it's worked a bit.

OK, that's
a small accident there.

Bloody hell, that worked!
It's stopped!

But now you've gotta
get it in neutral!

- Well, how do I get in?
- I don't know.

There's a ladder at the back.
Go down the ladder.

We have to shut it down!

It's trying to run away.

I've got my foot
hard on the brake.

If we let go,
it will take off.

Hurry up!

Right, down the back,

the window should be aligned with your...
Use a bar stool.

Go to the back,
where the windows are.

No, I can't.

- What do you mean, you can't?
- I can't do it.

- Put your feet in first.
- Hammond!

- What?
- We need Hammond. He's little.

You can't get through the window.
I can't take my foot off the brake.

I hope my handbrake holds, cos
if it gives out, we've had it.

I can't get through
the window.

Go in there. Can you put it
in... just put it in park?

Turn it off.

- What are you doing?
- Putting that in to make it easier. Look.

- Oh, right, that was my problem.
- Yeah. Arghh!

- I did that.
- Ow! Argh!

Ow! Pinched one!

- Right. I'm...
- Quick!

Neutral! Oh.

- Oh.
- Has he done it?

- Yes, he has. Jeez.
- Neutral. I've shut it down.

Well done.

Oh, no!

- Hammond.
- What?

Do you have any idea

how close that fuel t*nk
is to my chassis rails?

Very.

You could have been
blown to pieces, you idiot!

- Er... who's the idiot?
- "Thank you, rescuers."

- "Who's the idiot?"
- You are.

Why did this happen? There was
nothing wrong with mine or his.

What do you mean there's
nothing wrong with yours?

- You've got no windscreen.
- I know, but it was driving OK.

I was in control of it. I was behind
the wheel, I could use the pedals.

- I was in control of...
- No, you weren't.

- Of the steering I was.
- Well, that's brilliant.

We've saved you from being dashed
to death on a distant mountain.

- I can't get out.
- And this is the gratitude we get.

I was prepared to drive round in
circles till it ran out of petrol.

- What's the matter?
- I can't get out. I've got stuck.

This was a mistake.

- What's he done?
- This... I can't...

- What were you thinking of?
- My legs are on the glass.

This is a ridiculous day.

Let's see what can be done
to rescue this situation.

Well, that's
an interesting one, isn't it?

- Well, let's have a sit down and think.
- Yeah,

there's a sofa here.

My knees are stuck on
the window, it's very sore.

How did you manage that? Why
didn't you go through legs first?

I couldn't
because it's higher.

But didn't you take
a bar stool with you?

Aargh!

Can I just say this holiday
is not working out.

- No.
- Why don't we just face facts?

- RVs are not good.
- They're not good.

So why don't we
just have a demolition derby?

- Well, no, wait a minute.
- What?

That's not a bad idea, cos
half of mine's gone already.

Yes, mine's pretty much ruined,
cos he's broken the window.

Yes, but mine's intact,
it's perfectly intact.

Nothing has gone wrong with it.
I'm not destroying it.

Well, you'll win, then. You
stand more chance of winning.

I'll tell you what,
we'll have a vote.

Right, we've found
three other people

who are equally disillusioned
with their RVs

and the rules
are very simple.

The last one still running
is the winner.

Once we'd climbed aboard
our race-modified RVs,

we were ready for the off.

This is a stupid idea.
I disapprove.

It's needlessly destructive and
I really like my little truck.

Here's my start line
strategy.

Light goes green.
Hard right! Hit James.

I want him to be
a bonnet emblem

by the time I get to
the first corner.

He doesn't realise that the
window's fallen out of his RV

and I can hear
everything he's saying.

Let's get this over with,
shall we?

That's one done.

Obviously I'm not driving
on the roof.

I think that would be unwise.

Closing up on the lavatory.

Here he goes.

Oh, he hit me hard there.

Turning right.

Oh, haw, haw, haw!

- Got him.
- I've been hit again!

Bastard.

Meanwhile,
in Hammond's truck,

there'd been
a bit of a mood swing.

Ha, ha, ha.

OK, I change my mind.
This is really good fun.

I have got the toughest vehicle here...
I'm sure of that.

Aargh! Oh, ow, ow.

Have another go at Jeremy.

Ooh! Oh,
my lights have come off.

The door was shut on me
really badly.

I can't see over my bonnet.

Hammond's bonnet
is completely off.

However,
the Mad Max make-over

made his truck
even more of a lethal w*apon.

There you go! Hah.

- Ha ha ha.
- Oh, that's brutal.

Oh, my door!

Oh!

I've been hit.

I've been hit again.

I'm in a sandwich
of Americans.

It was at this point
I noticed something

about one of those Americans.

Wait a minute.

It's that guy.

He's the one
who's been following us.

What's he doing?

Oh, no, I'm being pushed.

We are being annihilated by
the two remaining Americans.

As the contest heated up...

I decided to pick on
the biggest RV.

You want demolition,
have some.

Ha! Oh!

Oh, oh.

- Oh, hello, I'm leaking.
- Oh, no!

Oh, no, I'm leaking fluid.

Following hit
after brutal hit...

my opponent
eventually conked out.

But the battle had left me
badly wounded.

Oh, this does not bode well
for my little truck.

I think my engine
might be suffering.

Huh! Aargh!

Oh, whoa!

- Oh, that's
gone badly wrong for me.

- I think I've lost a wheel now.
- Oh, ho-ho-ho-ho.

I'm in a bad way.

I've lost steering.

Aaargh!

Hammond is history.

Now only
three of us remained.

Come on. Hit James.

Ramming speed!

Ohhh!

- You bastard!
- May's in the wall!

He's in the wall and toast.

It's just me
and this weird man.

I'll get you, you bastard.

Whoa.

Get him!

I'm taking him.

Oh, Lord.

Going in hard and hot!

Yeaahhhh!

Ha-ha, hey!

Oh, yes!

The mighty RV boat
is victorious.

Nothing else running.

Ha, ha, ha, ha.

Oh, yeah.

Well done.
It's a glorious victory.

- Really.
- It is.

And I think we've proved
that if you must have an RV

it has to be
a Chevrolet Pace Arrow.

- Yes. Yes.
- Yes, it does.

Good, congratulations.
Very well done.

- Meanwhile...
- What?

We've gotta
make camp for tonight

in these, so I would
suggest just over there.

I think that's an excellent idea.
As close as possible.

- Yes.
- We can come to your pub.

Well, you're not
expecting a drink,

- are you?
- Why not?

- Pub's been demolished.
- Has it?

- Yeah.
- Oh, of course, it went into a wall.

- Happens a lot these days.
- Ooh! Ooh!

- I nearly forgot.
- What?

You know that guy
that's been

following us around
since we got here?

- No. - No.
- The one in the race overalls.

- No.
- You've still not seen him?

- Never seen him.
- Well, you have, cos he was driving that.

- Was he?
- Yes, I put him on... he's dead now.

- Good, good.
- And now

he won't be
following us any more

- because I've rolled him over.
- You can tell us all about it

over a glass of water
this evening.

With our race
with the devil over...

we fell asleep
quickly that night,

happy in the knowledge
that the horror

of our RV holiday
was finally over.