03x09 - Aston, Astronauts and Angelina's Children

[bunniefuu]

- Hello!
- Hello, everybody!

- Hel-lo!
- You got tickets?

Thank you so much.

Thank you, everybody.
Thank you.

Cut!

Thanks so much, everybody!

Thank you, thank you,
thank you.

And welcome. And in today's
incredibly topical show:

Neil Armstrong
walks on the Moon...

some angry cyclists...

and I throw a sandwich
out of the window.

All that...

All that is to come.

But first, Aston Martin has
just launched a new car.

And here's Richard Hammond
to tell us all about it.

This is the new V8 Vantage.

And, well,
it's not an ugly car, is it?

I mean, I'm not sure
about this colour.

You'd be on the phone to your doctor
if your wee came out like this.

But the shape itself
is stunning.

This is one of those
superstar cars

that leave a wake
of dropped jaws

and phone camera flashes.

And as the smallest,
punchiest,

sportiest car in
the Aston line-up,

it's fast too.

0-60 takes
three-and-a-half seconds.

So you're not gonna be
embarrassed by 911 Carreras.

Top speed, 195.

But here's the thing.

Astons have always been
beautiful and fast

in a straight line,

but when you're
making a sports car,

that's the easy part.

It was when you dug
deeper under the skin,

into the areas
you couldn't see,

that in the past
they often came up short.

The trouble is, the company
has never had the money

or the manpower
of Porsche or Ferrari,

and you could sense that
in their cars.

They just didn't feel
as well made

or well-engineered
as some rivals.

That means
they sold mainly to people

listening to their hearts
and not their heads,

because your heart says,
"I want an Aston"

even when your head says,

"That door doesn't fit
properly."

But this is 2018.

Good looks and speed aren't enough
if bits are coming off in your hand.

This car can't be nice
to drive, "for an Aston".

It can't be well made,
"for an Aston".

It's got to be good,
full stop.

So, let's start
with the interior,

a place that normally
tells you straightaway

if corners have been cut.

And the news in here is good.

Everything you see
is brand new,

not warmed-up leftovers
from an older model.

And it all feels
properly put together...

as it should in a car
that costs £121,000.

And if you push down on
the electric height adjustor,

it has the lowest
driving position

of any car I've ever been in.

I mean, I wouldn't claim
to be a tall man, but...

this is low.

I feel seven.

Then we come to the engine.

It's a four-litre V8.

It has twin turbos.

It makes 510 horsepower,
and...

it's German.

Specifically from the AMG
division of Mercedes.

Yes, this will make people of a Brexity
persuasion choke on their real ale,

but look at it this way.

Why waste money
you don't have

developing an OK engine,

when you can buy in
a brilliant one?

Besides, there's a plaque
here that says, look,

it's been inspected by
somebody at Aston Martin.

Presumably to make sure those
slapdash German engineers

have done things properly.

But although the Vantage
has Mercedes lungs,

the engineers
have tried to make sure

it sings with an Aston voice.

Yeah, in an AMG, this engine
doesn't make this noise.

In a Merc,
it's all oom-pah bass.

Whereas Aston Martin
have added

some British gravel
to the mix.

Rrrr!

So, it's handsome, quick,
tuneful and feels well built.

But now we come
to the acid test -

how the new Vantage
handles corners.

And, on paper at least,
things seem promising.

It's built on
an all-new chassis,

a shorter version of
the one under the DB11.

And it's the first
Aston Martin

to be fitted with
an electronic diff,

a very expensive but very
valuable w*apon of w*r.

So, let's see what's what.

Yeah, it works.

This is in control
of its power. It really is.

It's been set up
by a man who used to work

at suspension masters Lotus.

And you can tell.

This just feels fabulous.

This knows
what it wants to be.

There's no soft GT mode
like you get in the DB11.

Your entry level setting
is Sport,

and then it goes
Sport Plus and Track.

That's what I want, it's a sports car!
I don't want a soggy setting.

Yeah, this is superb.

Of course, it's still a car
from a small British company,

so there are a few issues.

Visibility is not brilliant.

For me, sitting down here,
it's like trying

to drive a car from
the back of a crowded lift.

There's no glove box.

I don't like the sound
of the indicators.

It's like a 1980s
Casio keyboard. Listen.

And there's too much Alcantara. This
will be all right when it's new,

but buy one of these
second-hand,

and it'll be like using
somebody else's flannel.

Still, in the big scheme
of things,

these are just niggles.

Because overall,
the Vantage is fantastic fun.

In the past, you could buy
an Aston and love it,

but still know deep down
that a 911 was a better car.

With this new Vantage,
that gap has been closed

to a point where
it doesn't matter.

It's not just brilliant
"for an Aston Martin".

It's brilliant, full stop.

Good car.

It is a good car.

- I can see out.
- Can you? Can you really?

Amazing, I know.
I really can see out.

I agree with you, it is
a brilliant, brilliant car.

But one thing
I ought to mention -

you know all that tech
inside it?

That is Mercedes stuff,

but it's last-generation
Mercedes stuff they're fitting.

But it's still better than all
the stuff that Aston used to fit.

That's true.
No, that is true.

And the other thing, you expressed
surprise that it's got that AMG engine.

But remember, the Aston V12, they've
been using for years, that's German.

- It's made in Germany.
- Yes.

That makes it sort of German,
doesn't it?

No, no, no. It's where it's
designed and developed that matters.

- No, he has got a point.
- Yeah, I mean...

your autobiography, you could
get it printed in Germany

but it would still be dreary because
you designed and conceived it.

It's...

Can't argue with that, May,
it would be.

Let's not get bogged down with
what's German, and what's not.

The point is, OK,
unlike the previous Vantage,

that is way, way more
than a pretty face.

I mean, a lot more.

But, now, let's find how fast

Abbie can get one
around the Eboladrome.

And away it goes,

with a little bit
of wheel spin

and a wiggle of the hips
under power,

but Abbie's got it
under control,

hammering onto the Isn't.

Working away there at that
unusual and frankly stupid

square steering wheel.

And already we're at the drop
down into Your Name Here.

Was that a four-wheel drift?

And another one!

And now hard braking...

Ooh, look at that,
turns in well.

And that looks quick.

Seems a bit lively there as
all that turbocharged torque

tries to kick the tail out.

If this run was at night,
she'd be in trouble

because the Vantage's
headlamps are woeful!

But no complaints about
the speed, that's for sure.

OK. Oh, coming in wide
for Old Lady's House.

But keeping it neat
round there,

and now the short squirt
down to Substation.

Floaty under braking.
Flicks it in.

Just Field of Sheep to go.

Surprisingly un-slidy
and across the line!

- Oh, there we go.
- Looks exciting.

- It does.
- That was lively.

Like an old-fashioned
racing car, moving around.

- The old days.
- That was a good-looking lap, that.

Let's find out where
it ended up on our lap board.

Shall we? Here we go.

Aye, aye... ooh.

Exactly the same speed
as a 911 GT3 RS.

When you think the Aston
doesn't have a massive wing

and scaffolding in the back,
that is pretty impressive.

- It is very impressive.
- But never mind that.

It's no faster
than a BMW M5.

Yes, but I think
what that says, James,

is the M5 is
seriously quick.

- Well, quite. You,
- Yeah, yeah.

You do forget
just how fast that thing is.

It is, it certainly is.

But now it is time to buy
a four-pack of chat...

from the off-licence
of debate.

on Conversation Street!

- I remember that one.
- I remember that one.

I enjoyed that one a lot.

Anyway, Volkswagen. They've come up
with a new, a one-off, racing car.

All electric, uh...
all-wheel drive.

It's called the IDR, I've
got a picture of it here.

Now, what interests me
about it is that

there's a claim that it generates
so much cornering force,

it can cause the driver
to black out.

Is... Is that a good idea?

A car that renders
its driver unconscious?

I just don't believe it.

I know Kimi Raikkonen
goes unconscious,

but that's normally after
the race in the hotel bar.

Yeah, that doesn't count.

That is Kimi's problem.

The other problem
with that is,

it's not lateral G that makes
you go unconscious, is it?

That's G from side to side,
that's not really the issue.

Lateral G
is what you get in a car

and it's where the blood
goes from side to side.

It's only got that... And I'm
wide, but it only goes that far.

So in your head you've got one
bit a bit drowsy and black-outy,

but the other side of your head,
when going round a corner,

- is really alert cos it's full of blood.
- No, it's

more interesting. Because, different sides
of your head do different things. So,

go that way, and you'd be: "I want to
be really precise, and do science,"

go this way,
you'd be all creative:

"I just want to paint..." Algebra...
"I just want to sing."

You know, when motor racing
commentators so much talk about,

"That car's got 5G going
through that corner,"

- you think, "But it's five lateral G."
- Yes, exactly.

It's not the same 5G
you get in a fighter plane

when the blood's going effectively
from the top of your head

down to the bottom of your
feet, which is a very long way,

so your head empties and
that's when you do black out.

Yes, exactly.

And it used to be alleged
that Douglas Bader

could pull tighter turns
in his Hurricane

than other pilots because
he didn't have any legs

so the blood couldn't go into
them, it stayed in his body.

- I didn't know that.
- Apparently so.

Didn't that mean
he'd just get a big stiffy?

Well...

Because all his, all this...

It's science,
that is medical science!

He's right.

- All his blood went there.
- It did.

He was known during the Battle
of Britain as Douglas Boner.

"My joystick's broke!
Oh, I've got the wrong one."

"Ooh, I love a dogfight,
a nice..."

We... We can move on.

Now, you might be wondering
why we haven't featured

the Rolls-Royce Cullinan, their new sort
of super luxury SUV, on this series.

And that's because
Rolls-Royce did express

some reservations
about lending us one

because they said they were
worried we might say it was ugly.

- Why would they think that?
- Because they've seen it?

We've actually got a picture of
the Cullinan here. There it is.

- Yeah.
- Oh, sorry.

It's a very interesting car.

And I don't doubt that it's
exquisite to drive and to sit in.

But it is disgusting
to look at, isn't it?

- That's the main thing.
- I've been thinking about this, OK?

You might want to drive one,
or own one.

But you're gonna have to
come out of your house

and walk up to it
and see it.

So I was wondering, could you
dig a tunnel, if you had one,

from your cellar, and then
that emerges underneath it?

- Then you wouldn't have to look at it.
- Exactly.

You'd have to cut a hole in the
bottom of your Rolls-Royce to get in

- and nobody's gonna do that.
- Yeah.

W-What if you fitted
the Cullinan with...

you know that magic glass that is clear
when you look through it at right angles,

but if you look through it
at any other angle,

it's sort of frosted
so you can't...

- That won't work.
- How do you know?

Because I've got that - and
I genuinely have got that -

in the bathroom
in my flat in London.

Right. Now, for six years I've been
taking showers

by the window.

Cleaning my gentleman's area
very thoroughly,

and sometimes quite quickly.

And...

I'm actually
not making this up.

The floor is six storeys
down, the pavement.

You go,
"Well, I can't see that,

so nobody down there
can see me."

But a friend,
the other day, said.

"You know you can be
seen from the street?"

- Oh, my God!
- Seriously.

But you can't see out
when you're in the shower?

No, it's only, I said.

Well, the builder put the
glass in the wrong way round. Isn't it.

- Must have done.
- I think that builder saw you coming.

I think the only
answer for Rolls-Royce...

Hold on.

I just heard...
Is there a phone in there?

No, you had a stroke.
Again.

I'm sure I heard a phone.
Wait a minute, wait a minute.

My school alarm, I'm sorry.
Was it you?

- My school alarm, I'm sorry.
- Your what alarm?

My school alarm to pick
my kids up from school.

Oh, well, that...
Now you're a terrible parent!

Oh, ladies and gentlemen, the art
of great parenting, right there!

I'm gonna call the NSPCC
on you.

How old are your children?

- Oh, 11...
- Oh, for God's sake!

She still hasn't moved.

- Oh, they'll be fine.
- 11, nine, eight and three.

I wasn't that interested.

We've established they're not in their
30s, is what I was trying to say.

- Meanwhile...
- Yes.

I don't think that
that one-way glass

that isn't one-way
is gonna work.

I think really Rolls-Royce's
only hope with that new car

is they're gonna have
to hope they can find

a lot of very rich people
with absolutely no taste.

That's their only chance.

Where are they gonna find
people like that, I wonder?

- Well, there's Cheshire.
- Yeah.

- Dubai.
- Solihull, Monaco, Moscow.

- Beverly Hills.
- Yeah.

They're gonna sell millions of the things.
- Yeah, they are.

Massive hit.

Now, there's a man
in Nottingham.

He's building a house and he's
told the planners that outside,

the big empty area,
is actually

a landing pad for a self-driving
electric flying car.

Hm, yeah, that sounds like what he's
built is a helicopter landing pad.

Yes, it does,
it does sound very like that.

Unless he's planning
to land there in this,

the new Aston Martin
flying car.

Looks very cool.

No, Hammond, that's not a flying
car, that's just a drawing

of something that'll
never happen. It won't.

But somebody has actually made a real
flying car and I've got a picture.

- That's practical!
- Pretty dreary actually, isn't it?

You can't drive
that on the road.

If you took it into town and
someone dinged the folded-away wing,

you couldn't fly it then.

- Nobody flies in a bent aeroplane.
- No, exactly.

And when are people gonna get it into
their heads that a flying car

is an aeroplane?

Because, if your car flies, why the
bloody hell would you drive anywhere?

I mean, it just doesn't
make sense.

Or worse,
you're driving that,

not feeling at all
self-conscious around the M25,

you hear there's a bit
of a traffic jam ahead,

so you think, "I'll lower the
wings, build up to a take-off speed"

of, what, 120, 150."

The police will go, "What the
bloody hell are you doing?"

They're gonna have a word. You'd need to
get a pilot's licence to operate that.

That takes months.

And then you'd have to learn
that gobbledegook you two...

No, you'd have to learn to
communicate in the air...

Yes, but you two don't talk
English when you get up in there.

There's a language so you can pass
information quickly and clearly.

Yes, but why do you got
your own alphabet for?

"Did you come
through the alpha vector"

on the three approach
to four LH?

Oh, I had to get on the tower
and say I was...

It's about controlled
airspace!

"I was Mug Paper
Picture Oscar."

Why do you have to have
a word for a letter?

So that you know what the letter is - a P
and a B on a crackly radio sound the same.

Is that why you call him
a bunt all the time?

Yes.

That's exactly why,
so that it's clear.

Now, there is a new report
which says the Scottish

are the best drivers
in the world.

If you think about it, they've
got Jim Clark, Jackie Stewart,

David Coulthard, Franchitti,
Allan McNish... What?

No, not best in that way, they mean
the safest drivers in the world.

- That's what they mean.
- The safest drivers aren't the best drivers.

- Well, they sort of are.
- No, they aren't.

If that were true,
if you think about it,

I would be a better driver
than Jackie Stewart

because I've had
fewer crashes.

- But I'm not better, am I?
- No, you're emphatically not.

- Exactly.
- What they're saying is...

Actually, 51 per cent
of Scottish drivers

have never been
in an accident.

- 51 per cent.
- That's not that good though.

That means 49 per cent of
Scottish people have been

in an accident.
That's nearly half of them.

- Well...
- No, but it's "never" is the big word, though, isn't it?

I mean, never... Who here's
never had an accident?

Never? But how long
have you been driving?

Um... one month.

Well done!

- She's doing well.
- Well, there you go.

Keep it up.

Keep going.

- That's better than you did.
- That's quite a record.

I did 36 hours before

I was off the road with
no wheels on my car.

Er... we'll drop that.

That hasn't worked out
quite as well as I'd hoped.

That is the end of
Conversation Street.

- Yes.
- Thank you very much.

Lovely, lovely.

Now, this year marks
the 50th anniversary

of the first landings
on the Moon,

and I thought I should take a
little celebratory look back

at that truly
historic mission.

James, this isn't a grand tour
of whatever is in your head.

- You do know that?
- No, but I promise

there will be
some cars in this film.

Eventually.

I believe that this nation
should commit itself

to achieving the goal
before this decade is out

of landing a man on the Moon

and returning him
safely to the Earth.

When President Kennedy
made that speech to Congress

in 1961,

he gave the scientists at
NASA a planet-sized headache.

Let me try and put the size of that
headache into some sort of perspective.

When Kennedy
said those words,

America's total experience
in space amounted to

just one 15-minute
suborbital flight

that reached an altitude of
just 116 miles above the Earth.

By contrast, a journey to
the Moon was 238,000 miles,

and no rocket existed that was powerful
enough to get the astronauts there.

And even if they did
reach their destination,

there was then the immense challenge
of getting them home again.

Let's imagine this basketball
I'm holding is the Earth,

in which case the Moon can be
represented by a baseball 23 feet away.

There it is over there.

All the space exploration
that had taken part so far,

so all the Mercury capsules,
all the Soviet stuff,

that happened about there.

Now, the thickness
of this piece of paper

represents the corridor that the
astronauts would have to fly along

to get home safely.

Now, to do that, obviously you'd want
some sort of guidance computer on board.

Problem is, the computers of the
time were so huge and so primitive,

they lived
in their own buildings.

And the President wanted all
this done within the decade.

People thought he was mad.

Nevertheless, the brains
at NASA knuckled down,

and throughout the 1960s
set about developing

and testing the rockets and
the technology that would be

needed to cr*ck
this monumental nut.

However, machinery on
its own was not enough.

Equally important to the
success of the space programme

were the astronauts.

Now, these men
were generally of a type.

They were fighter jocks
and test pilots,

and they were very familiar with
moving around at very high speed.

So, and I did promise we'd
get some cars into this,

when it came to moving around
on the face of the Earth,

there was one car they
favoured above all others.

The Corvette -

America's "premier"
sports car.

The big love-in between the
American astronauts and the Corvette

started with Alan Shepard...

the first American
in space in 1961.

And on his safe
return to Earth,

he was given a free Corvette
by General Motors,

a sort of medal
for services to the country.

However, even though
Shepard was deemed worthy

of a tickertape hero's welcome
by the American public,

NASA saw astronauts like him
as government employees,

and as such,
unable to accept free gifts.

So, an enterprising Corvette dealer near
the Cape Kennedy Space Center in Florida

came up with a cunning idea.

He offered the astronauts
a special deal

whereby they could lease a Corvette
for the enormous sum of... one dollar.

Now, NASA couldn't
complain about that.

Technically the cars weren't
free, they were being paid for.

So all the astronauts
bit his hand off.

Gus Grissom, the second
American in space, had one.

So did Gordon Cooper,
a man so cool

he actually fell asleep
on the launch pad

while waiting for lift-off.

Jim Lovell,
the hero of the ill-fated.

"Houston, we've had a
problem" Apollo 13 mission -

he too was a Corvette man.

Basically,
in the '60s and '70s,

Cape Kennedy
and the surrounding roads

were awash with spacemen
driving one-dollar Corvettes.

But it was the holy trinity
of Shepard, Cooper and Grissom

who were
the real petrolheads.

The good news for them was that
the Space Center here at Kennedy

was criss-crossed with
lovely wide, straight roads

which NASA engineers
used to move stuff about -

i.e. rockets.

But that meant, as far as
those three were concerned,

that they were in heaven.

They'd come to places
like this after work

and just drag race
the hell out of their cars,

and then they'd
have them modified,

and then they'd drag race
them a bit more.

Gordo Cooper allegedly had his car
modified up to 180 miles an hour,

and he and Gus Grissom
even used to go and pit crew

for a racing team
if they had a weekend off.

They liked cars.

Then there was astronaut
John Glenn,

the first American
to orbit the Earth,

and as a test pilot,
the first man

to cross the American
continent at supersonic speeds.

Clearly, this was a man comfortable
with putting his foot down.

However, the car he drove

was not quite as sporty
as a Corvette.

Yes, John Glenn, holder of
supersonic flight records

and the first American to
orbit the Earth, drove this.

It's called a Prinz.

It's made by the long-dead
German car maker NSU,

and it's a microscopic
economy car.

It has an engine of just
under 600cc, two cylinders.

0-60?

35 seconds.

But Glenn wasn't worried
about the sedate pace.

He lived out in the sticks,

he had a long commute
to Cape Kennedy,

and he wanted a car that
gave him good gas mileage.

Right, let's give it some
beans and see what it'll do.

That's what it'll do.

Oh, man!

I've read accounts by
the astronauts of what

the rocket launches
were actually like -

a lot of noise, a lot of
clattering, a lot of banging.

Well, John Glenn was ready.

By 1969, just inside
Kennedy's deadline,

NASA was ready to try landing
some men on the Moon.

The astronauts chosen
were Buzz Aldrin,

who drove a Corvette,

Neil Armstrong,
who drove a Corvette,

and Mike Collins,
who drove a Beetle.

Presumably that's why they
left him in the command module

and didn't let him walk
on the lunar surface.

The rocket that would take
them there, the Saturn V,

was, and remains, the most
complex machine ever built.

It was constructed of
three million components,

all of them provided, as
the astronauts, used to joke,

by the lowest bidder.

And it stood as tall
as a 30-storey building.

Ignition sequence starts.

Six, five, four,

three, two, one, zero.

All engines running.
Lift-off.

We have a lift-off,
32 minutes past the hour.

Lift-off on Apollo 11.

At blast-off, these
five engines produced

seven-and-a-half million
pounds of thrust.

During the first-stage burn,
the rocket produced

enough power to light
the whole of New York

for 75 minutes.

It burnt its fuel at a rate
of 20 tonnes per second

and just two-and-a-half
minutes after launch,

nearly all of it was gone...

leaving just enough to take
the three astronauts to the Moon

and return them safely
to Earth.

And even though 411,000
of America's brightest minds

were fully engaged
in this perilous endeavour,

sending three men
to the Moon,

bringing them home safely
again, they were still

very much constrained by
the technology of the day.

If you have a Ford Fiesta,
the engine management system

in your car has 10,000 times
the computer processing power

that they had.

Eagle to Houston, we have you now.
Do you read? Over.

Loud and clear.

When the astronauts
finally approached

the surface of the Moon,

the landing was not
without drama.

OK, all flight
controllers, gonna go for landing.

The designated spot
was full of craters...

Houston,
you are go for landing.

Forcing Armstrong
to fly manually

and look for another place
to set down.

Four forward, drift
in to the right a little.

OK, engine stop.
Mode control, both auto.

Descent engine command
override off.

We copy you down, Eagle.

Houston, uh...
Tranquillity Base here.

The Eagle has landed.

When they finally landed, they had
just 20 seconds of fuel remaining.

But no matter, they were
down on the Moon.

That's one small step
for man...

one giant leap
for mankind.

Back on Earth,
a heroes' welcome awaited.

And once he got home, Armstrong,
like so many astronauts,

would swap the seat
in his spacecraft

for a seat in a Corvette.

And when I say Corvette,
I mean this actual Corvette.

This one.

This was his.

Oh, my word.

I'm turning onto
the space shuttle runway.

It's three miles long.

Here are some enormous skid marks left
by the wheels of the space shuttle.

But this is
Neil Armstrong's Corvette!

Ohh!

His hands were here. He looked
at the instruments like that.

He... He touched that.

Neil Armstrong!

The first person to set foot

somewhere other
than the Earth.

I mean, almost a quarter of the
world's population watched him live.

The owner of this car, when he
realised what it was he'd found,

decided not to restore it.

He would leave it
exactly as it was.

He would just do enough
to make it run.

So he hasn't done the paint, he
hasn't replaced bits in here.

This is all exactly
as he found it.

There's patina
on the bonnet there.

There's a scuffed bit
on the door. It's real!

Hello, rev counter.

Neil Armstrong's
looked at you, hasn't he?

Oh, I think a Huey is coming.

There's Mr Huey,
there's the evocative one.

Those are the two sounds
of the '60s, aren't they,

that one and the sound of Neil
Armstrong speaking from the Moon.

Neil Armstrong's
Chevrolet Corvette.

Love it. Love it.

What an honour.

can take off and land
six times on that runway.

- Easily.
- Well done.

Thank you.

Hold on.

What's gone wrong
with astronauts?

They don't go to the Moon
any more.

No, no, no, no,
they used to be rock gods.

I mean,
if you think about it,

they would drive
their Corvette into town,

get hammered,

get Chlamydia,
and the next morning,

they'd be upside down
in a star fighter.

Whereas I met one
not that long ago,

he was the first astronaut
ever to dock the space shuttle

to the space station
in space,

and he turned up for the interview
in a maroon Toyota Camry.

And...

And he had his polo shirt
tucked into his chinos.

Your point
about the polo shirt is?

My point is very simple, OK?

You look at pictures
from the space station.

I follow it on Instagram.
Look at this.

I mean, I'm sorry, they look like people
who run a port-a-loo rental company.

If you go for an audition
with NASA, yeah,

and you don't arrive in
the car park in your Corvette

on full opposite lock,
you don't get the job.

They should get the maths
out of the space programme

and replace it
with some flamboyance.

You probably need
a little bit of maths.

No, you don't, you just want
them to be funny.

No, that's children's entertainers
you're thinking of, Jeremy.

- Not astronauts.
- Buzz Aldrin,

a flamboyant man, used to
wear shirts like that.

I met him, he had
an excellent shirt on.

Exactly. Also very funny.

One of my favourite
stories about Buzz Aldrin,

second man on the Moon, you
mentioned him in your film.

He was being interviewed many
years after the Moon landing.

Very nervous young reporter standing
there. Live interview, this was.

"We're going over live now,"

and the director's going,
"In five, four..."

And on three, Buzz Aldrin
leant to the reporter and went,

"Nothing about the Moon, OK?"

- "That's all I've got!"
- "I've got no questions!

I've got literally nothing!"

Anyway, that's enough about
space. I wanna move it on.

Because I came into the
office um... the other day

and told these two that
the Citroen C3 Aircross

that I'd been driving
was very good.

And they said it wasn't.

- Because it isn't.
- Yes, it is.

And I decided
to prove that it is

by doing one of those
very thorough tests

where we cover
all the things that matter

in a car of this type.

Wait a minute, is this gonna
be one of those stupid films

where you do ridiculous
tests to discover

if a car can, I dunno,
drive faster than itself?

No.

This is the car in question.

It's a five-seater,
front-wheel drive hatchback.

Prices start at £14,720

and it looks rather funky,

with those splashes of
orange paint here and there.

It's also easy to see out of

because the windows
are made from glass.

And all the controls
fall easily to hand,

because they're on the
dashboard or the steering wheel,

rather than
under the carpet in the boot.

But you may be wondering
what makes it so special.

Well, to find out, I've
decided to break the test

down into segments,

so that all the important
questions can be answered.

To find out, we've come here

to the banked Millbrook Bowl
in Bedfordshire.

Citroen say
that because the quite small,

1.2 litre,
three-cylinder engine

in this particular version of
the Aircross is turbocharged,

it produces 128 horsepower.

And now it's time
to see what that means

in terms of top speed.

And here we go.

Obviously you can't go
as fast on a banked track

as you can
on the straight and level.

I was going to ask James May
why this is so,

but um... I was frightened
he might tell me so I...

so I didn't.

That's 100, moving up
into the fifth lane,

the lane of terror.

114, there it is.

And I think that's it.

Top speed is...

Oh, 115. No.

The little car
has more to give.

Right, I think we've
established there

that this car's top speed
here on the Millbrook Bowl

is 115 miles an hour.

And that, for a practical,
high-riding, family SUV,

which can do 50 miles to the
gallon in ordinary driving,

is not bad.

But can it do better?

OK, what I've done now is hooked up
to the back end of a Bentley Bentayga.

Now, this is a car
with a top speed

of 180 miles an hour.

What it's doing is, it's
punching a hole in the air for me

and I'm driving along
in a vacuum.

So that should mean
I go faster. Let's find out.

That's 115 easily.

116...

117...

I'm also using less fuel,

so this is good for
the environment as well.

119, 120 miles an hour now.

121... this is flying!

122 miles an hour, 123!

What we're doing now
is proving

that the Citroen C3 Aircross
can go faster than itself.

124!

God's truth,
it's like being in Bluebird!

My only worry is that
I just saw a single magpie

and it is Friday the 13th
as I do this.

So now I'm gonna ease out
of this dangerous situation.

Well, if the space is
smaller than the Aircross,

then the answer is no.

But if the space is bigger,
then the answer is yes.

And with that sorted out,

it's time for one of
the most important tests

a little car can face.

To find out, I've come
to Southampton docks,

where obviously I've been
forced to wear a hard hat

in case a ship...
lands on my head.

Anyway, as you can see, the
little car has been attached

by rope to the enormous
car transporter.

Which I've just noticed
has a face.

It's Boaty McBoatface!

The challenge
I'd come up with

was to see
if the one-tonne C3

could pull
the 13,000-tonne ship

a distance of 25 metres.

Right, now, I should explain

that my colleagues
May and Hammond

think this is a stupid test.

They say the Aircross
only develops 151 torques

and that that isn't enough to
pull a medium-sized child.

I, however, disagree.

Let's do this!

Oh, Christ, there's some
elasticity in that rope!

Oh, hello?
Why's it going backwards?

This is a bit of a worry.

Is that ship...
The ship's going back!

Look.

The ship is going back.

What... The situation's bad.

As we reattached
the tow rope,

I wondered
what had gone wrong.

Why did... Did he put his engines in
reverse as a sort of amusing joke?

I mean, he is Greek,
the captain.

We're not German! It's...

We didn't mess
your economy up.

With the rope reattached,
we began the test again.

Here we go.

That's just clutch spin.

Now it's just clutch.
That's clutch.

Traction control off,
that's the only solution.

Hang on.

I think that ship is moving.

I think we're getting further
and further with each pull.

Come on, Boaty!
Move, you vicious boat!

Give it a bit of
left and right.

What a machine this is!

The power and strength
of the Citroen.

That...

That is Boaty McBoatface
admitting defeat.

And with that sorted out,

it was time to address
the C3's practicality.

I should explain, these are not
actually Angelina's children,

they're much um...
cheaper.

Let's just get your names,
first of all. You're?

- Cardboard.
- Cardboard.

- Satisfied customer.
- Satisfied customer.

- Goat.
- Goat?

- Dislocated elbow.
- Dislocated elbow.

I'm sorry?

- Is that right?

Don't wanna mispronounce it.
And you're?

- Vauxhall.
- Vauxhall.

Right, come on.

Let's see how many of you
can get into the Citroen.

Where's my seat belt?

Hang on, Vauxhall's got a problem.
What is it, Vauxhall?

- No seat belt.
- There is a seat belt.

No, there isn't!

Vauxhall, no, no,

there must be a seat belt.
There we are.

It's somewhere in here.
You just have to find it.

Who's gonna be driving
the car, though?

Probably your mum.

Your dad's left home
to be with a French woman.

- My dad is in America.
- Your dad's Brad Pitt.

Not your real dad, you were
bought from a market somewhere.

Oh, I found it, look.

- Ta-dah!
- That's just weird.

Now, come on, Vauxhall,
sit properly.

Hah. They're all in.

No space, I'm afraid,
for either of you.

- Y-You've had it.
- Oh.

- Can I sit in the boot?
- In the boot?

Well, no, because you see,
if your mum goes into town,

or to Africa,
and buys a disabled child,

where would
its wheelchair go?

Must say, I am surprised.

I thought horses
were bigger than this.

Anyway, come on, let's see
if we can uh... get you in.

Come on, up you come,
up you come, there you go.

Up you go.

Oh, yep.

Citroen say that this has...

the biggest boot
in its class.

To answer this,
we've come to France...

where an armed robbery
is in progress.

Burglars anglais
avec visages horribles

are maintenant
making their escape

in a red
nineteen-seventy-deux.

De Tomaso Pantera GTS.

Mmm.

Oui, je les ai vus,
cinq par cinq.

Oui.

Au dessus et sortir.

Right.

Let's do this!

All around the world,

police forces normally
have pretty good cars.

The Americans
have Crown Vics,

Germans have BMs,
Italians have Alfas.

But France has always been a
bit of a burgling free-for-all,

because you knew that you
were only ever gonna be chased

by Inspector Clouseau in
a diesel Renault Mégane.

Well, not today.

Because I'm in an Aircross
and I've got a moustache.

To make my life a bit tricky,

the robbers' Pantera
wasn't standard.

It had an all-aluminium,
seven-litre V8,

producing 550 horsepower -

four times more than I had.

Soon I caught up with them.

But to get ahead,
I decided to take a shortcut.

Digger.

Deploy skill.

Skill used.

No need to slow down because
of my raised suspension.

Come on,
dogged little Citroen!

Argh! You couldn't have
done that in a De Tomaso.

Where is he? Where is he?

I can hear him.

He's like an Australian.

You can hear him
before you see him.

Right, I'm gonna cut him off.

Ha-ha!

Got him!

Les anglais avec les visages
horribles s'enfuient.

I know where he's going and I
know I'm gonna get there first.

Ooh, heavens!

Ooh, damn it!

There he is!

Were this not such
a serious situation,

it would be a good laugh.

Ultimate baddy's car, of
course, the De Tomaso Pantera.

It even has an Argentinian
flag on its badge.

Agh! Deploying skill!

Skill s... Ooh, skill not
successful. Sorry, my bad.

Oh, no, he's going right!

I think I hit one.

Did I? Oh, no.

It's OK,
I've got 'em all now.

Come on, get back
in the chase here, man!

Payback!

Little bit bumpy.

There's the car!

It was beginning to seem
that despite my best efforts,

I wouldn't be able
to catch the Pantera.

But then,
when all seemed lost,

the Citroen played
its Tr*mp card...

and didn't break down.

Whereas the Pantera
reverted to type and did.

There you go, son.

Oh, God!

He's using hair dye!

Anyway, it's now time
for the final test,

the big one -

the answer to
the question I'm asked

five or six times a day.

Italy is a difficult country
to inv*de,

because it's surrounded
on three sides by sea

and on the fourth
by mountains.

These mountains.

The Alps.

But back in 218 BC,

a Tunisian general
called Hannibal

did cross
those mountains,

using elephants
to carry his gear.

And what I want to know is:

could he have used
an Aircross instead?

I mean, obviously,
the Aircross wasn't invented

200 years before
the Baby Jesus,

but if it had been,
could he have used it?

We know that the Citroen
is powerful and torquey.

But what really matters on
a job like this is traction.

And that's where this knob
down here comes in.

It engages something called
the grip control system.

And that sounds
like a gimmick.

But it isn't.

Last winter, Britain was
hit with a weather b*mb

which became known as
the Beast from the East.

Everything stopped
and nothing was moving,

apart from me in an Aircross.

I genuinely
couldn't believe it.

I put it in snow mode and
it was going through drifts

up to its door handles.

So let's see if it can pull
off the same trick here,

when the track runs out
and the going gets tougher.

Yes, look at the little
Citroen, clawing away.

No elephant could do this.

I am zooming up here.

God knows what sorcery
the computers are using

to keep me going here,
but they are.

Downhill stretch here,

so... engaging
the hill descent control.

Take your foot off the clutch
and off the brake.

You can hear the anti-lock
brake system working,

keeping me in check,

stopping the back sliding
round, stopping me accelerating.

That's so clever
in a little car like this!

But as the climb resumed,
the going got really rough.

No, no.

Let's just pop it into...

mud mode.

There we go.
There you have it.

Come on, little car,
come on, little car.

That's the engine mountings
you can hear wobbling away,

but the good news is,
the engine is still in.

With the satnav telling me Italy was just
two miles away, I found another path.

I've passed
2,000 metres here.

Christ,
if I go over the edge now...

Agh.

Finally, the border
moved into view.

Come on, little Aircross!

There you are, clever car!

So there we are.

Faster than itself
at the test track.

Strong enough to pull a ship.

Big enough for the entire
Jolie family and a horse.

And better at invading Italy
than an elephant.

- What a car.
- Really?

What a machine.
Pumpy little car. Amazing.

Are you all right?

- In the head, I mean.
- What do you mean?

We learned nothing.

You learned it could get
to the top of that mountain,

even though it doesn't
have four-wheel drive.

But what about things that matter
to people who buy that sort of car?

What about, you know,
boot, interior space?

- I did boot!
- OK, safety, insurance group, all that.

That's a bit boring.

And are you seriously
expecting us to believe

that a little
French hatchback

can catch a tuned De Tomaso
Pantera on a mountain road?

Well, you say that - James Bond,
Goldeneye, you may remember.

He is in his Aston DB5,
he's chasing the Ferrari 355,

he caught up with it.

Then there was the other
Bond film called...

Quantity of Porridge,
something like that.

He is in his Aston DBS,

Italian police,
diesel-powered Alfa 159,

keep up with him
no problem at all.

You do know they're not
documentaries, don't you?

It was The Rock, The Rock was
a Hummer and a Ferrari again.

Look, can we try and salvage some
useful information out of this?

There's no need.

No, there is, I mean, OK...

isn't that Citroen basically,
tell me if I'm right,

the same car as
the Vauxhall Crossland?

- It is.
- Yes, it is, good point.

So, for instance, would you
buy one of those instead? Good.

Well, you can't have the Vauxhall
with the grip control system,

so it's no good
as an elephant.

No, the elephant test
isn't actually relevant.

Is there not something um...
OK, the Vauxhall, is it...

How easy is it to vacuum out
the interior? There you go.

I knew you were gonna
mention that.

So what I did was I took
the Vauxhall down to a man

who knows a thing or two
about vacuuming,

none other than Sir Dyson.

Can you get
that bit in there?

- Any good?
- Brilliant.

- Is it?
- Very easy. Brilliant.

Sir James Dyson.

Doing a test, an important
test for us there.

- Actually was James Dyson.
- Just a minute.

- What?
- Sir James Dyson

is developing a new
solid state battery.

He is working on the future
of global personal transport.

- Yeah.
- And you've wasted

his whole afternoon...

vacuuming out

- the interior of a Vauxhall.
- Yes.

You have literally speeded up

- the end of the world.
- Yes.

Yes, I have and on that terrible
disappointment, it's time to end.

Thank you so much for
watching. See you next time.

Goodbye.