03x13 - Survival of the Fattest

[bunniefuu]

(BELLS JANGLE)

(WIND HOWLS)

Hello, and welcome
to a Grand Tour special,

which comes to you from

the emptiest, most sparsely
populated country on Earth.

Mongolia.

(ENGINE REVVING)

(TRAIN WHISTLE BLASTS)

Now, ordinarily when we
go on these adventures,

we have a vague idea about the sort
of things that we might be doing.

But this time, we don't.

RICHARD: No, not a clue.

The situation is,
we took off from

the capital city of
Mongolia, Ulaanbaatar,

and flew for two,
two-and-a-half hours,

over terrain
that was much like this.

Actually, quite familiar.

Unthreatening.

But it was completely empty.

It was like flying over the
whole of the British Isles

and not seeing a town,
a village, a road,

a powerline, a quarry,
not even a farm.

There wasn't a shred of evidence, from
what we saw out of the aeroplane window,

that man has ever existed.

Yeah, this is what the world
would have looked like,

pretty much, on about page three
of the Book of Genesis, I reckon.

And then
we were dropped off here...

(CHUCKLES)
...and we don't know why.

We don't know anything.

An hour or so later,
though...

(CAMERA POWERING UP)

(WHIRRING OF ROTOR BLADES)

That's a chopper.

-There, look.
-Yeah.

Why isn't he landing?

What's he doing?

-Whoa, look at this.
-Look!

RICHARD: Hang on a minute.

(WIND WHISTLING)

-Whoa.
-Look at that.

What's he dropping?

JEREMY: It's got to be
supplies. Firewood...

RICHARD: Food.
JEREMY: Shelter.

JAMES: Hats.

-Hats? -Well, you need a hat.
It's sunny.

They're not gonna
fly out hats to us.

So that... He's...
That's him gone, then.

-He's not landing.
RICHARD: Oh.

Does that mean
we're not going home, then?

RICHARD: James, the
helicopter has buggered off.

And we're alone with three boxes
full of quiche or something.

Well, let's go
and have a look, then.

JEREMY: I mean, what
we really need is transport.

RICHARD:
Yeah. That would be useful.

JAMES: They haven't
got cars in them.

-Could you get a car in that?
-No, look, it's thin.

It's only about that wide.

-So this is the webbing that...
-Well, that comes off.

Oh, hello, there's a crowbar
there. So that's...

Good.

Right, lifting it here.

-That's it.
-Stand clear.

Oh!

-Well...
-Water.

-What's in...
-The hell...

Oh, sh*t. Is that an engine?

That's an engine.

A TDi of some sort.

Vehicle lights?

JEREMY: That is a rear axle.
RICHARD: It is.

That's a master cylinder.

Guys, I don't need to look
in the other one.

We've an engine, we've
headlights, we've a rear axle.

There's enough spare parts
to build a car.

-Yeah.
-Oh, come on.

What, here?

JEREMY: As the other two
opened the third crate,

I found a mysterious bag.

OK, well, straight away,
that's a windscreen.

Which confirms it.

-Yep.
-Guys...

What is it, a Land Rover?

-What's that?
-I have a letter.

The nearest civilisation
is a town called Moron.

-Is it?
-There's a surprise.

"It's hundreds of miles away.

In order to reach it, you must
build the contents of these boxes.

You have enough food
and water for seven days."

What's that?

RICHARD: That's the town.
JEREMY: Moron.

-And that's the start.
JEREMY: We're here.

It says "Map not to scale."

JEREMY: There's a surprise.

This has been drawn
by EH Shepard.

Look, "Rather Boggy and Sad."

"Deep River of Despair."

-"Floody Place."
-"Lots of Trees."

"Wibbly Wobbly Bridge",
"Very Big cr*ck".

Well, that's not very useful,
is it?

Well, we've got to go
northeast, haven't we?

But how far is that?

Well, we don't know.
He said "hundreds of miles".

Yes, but first...

-What? -All we need to do is
assemble this lot into a car.

RICHARD: As there was
no instruction manual,

May and I began to
go through the components.

This is chassis, isn't it?
But it's in two halves.

While our mechanically inept
colleague made himself useful

by moaning about
the camping equipment.

That's not a bed!

-It's a mattress.
-In...

-It's not a mattress!
-It is.

If you go to
Peter Jones and say,

"Can I have a mattress?"
they don't give you this.

-The heaviest bit is the engine...
-Yes.

...which is over there, so we need
to take the other bits over there.

-Yes, that's a very good idea.
-Let's do that.

(JEREMY WAILS SPOOKILY)

-Jeremy's pretending to be a ghost.
-I'll pretend to be scared.

To be a ghost,
you first have to be dead.

RICHARD: Nice work.

So what we should do
is lay everything out.

Why not put the parachute out as a dust
sheet, put it all on the parachute?

Good idea.

If we lay it out, it can be
the floor of our workshop.

-If either of you have
any emergencies... -No!

-Hey, Hammond.
-Yeah?

-It's a Land Rover engine, you'll
be pleased to know. -Is it?

JEREMY: "Hey, Hammond.
Hey, Hammond."

-Why don't you do something useful?
Unwrap something. -"Hey, Hammond.

Hammond."

JEREMY: As my colleagues
fiddled about

with stuff
I didn't understand...

That says
"Chassis mid-section."

...I found something
that I did.

Hello!

I wasn't expecting that.

However, there was a problem.

-Just pop that down for a second.
-Yes.

-This is a box of rations, OK?
-Yes.

Now, forgive me
but I could swear...

RICHARD: Oh, God.

-Why would Wilman do that?
-Because he's evil.

Why would he send us a car
in bits that isn't a car?

I don't care about
the car in bits.

He and both of you, actually, are
quite capable of doing that.

This, on the other hand,
is a catastrophe.

-How many of those have you found?
-One.

Why don't you trouble yourself
with matters food-related?

-That's a good idea. -Gather it together
in one place, see what we've got.

So, I see. So I become food and
beverage manager of the project?

-If you want to call it that.
-If you like.

A bit like Robert De Niro
in Casino.

In every conceivable way.

He was the food and beverage
manager of the casino.

And I shall be the food and beverage
manager of our little project.

OK, from now on
we'll call you Robert.

-Why don't you gather all the
food-related things... -Thank you.

-Off you go, Robert.
-It's my middle name.

-Mr De Niro. -Mr De Niro, yes.
That'll be great.

RICHARD: Whilst the raging baboon went
off to sort the food and beverages,

James and I continued to
unpack the components.

JAMES: Oh, wait a minute, that's
got pedals attached to it.

-Oh, yeah. -So that's the
bulkhead essentially.

And eventually the giant
Airfix kit was laid out.

That's where
we will build it.

This is our workshop.

JAMES: I would say we've got
hundreds of components,

not including fasteners
and things.

JEREMY: Meanwhile,
in the lee of a nearby hill,

I had been very
busy as well.

Right,
I've got the campsite built.

Two tents here
for the snorers.

One over there for me,
so I can't hear them.

There's the lavatory.
And now...

I'm gonna start work
on lunch.

Which meant making fire.

Yes.
(STRAINED) Yes!

Please!

So, gearbox on.

-Yeah.
-Yep.

RICHARD: Back at base,
we were doing well...

There, that's it, whoa.

...even though James
was being very annoying.

Hang on, let's just think
about where all...

We haven't got the nuts and
bloody fasteners ready.

Let's just get on with it.
Get it lined up.

OK.

-That's quite good.
-Offer it up.

Push forwards. Yes.

-Oh-ho-ho!
-Well done.

-Hey, James.
-21.

I've got a metal willy.

RICHARD:
Captain OCD, however,

was not in the mood
for willy gags.

Where the chuffing hell
has it gone?

This is why you put 'em back
in the same place.

Where did you put it
last time you had the 19?

-Oh, for God's sake...
-Ratchet.

...just find any (BLEEP)
spanner?

JEREMY: With absolutely
no help at all

from the cameraman's
lighter,

I had struck gold.

I have made fire!

Right.

Right, what have we got?

These are British Army
rations. Oh, God!

I'm... I've stuck my Kn*fe
through that one.

So the water's gonna get
in there and spoil it a bit.

Tropical fruit and nut mix.
Mm, I like that.

I might just deny
this was ever in it.

Mm.

Lift.

So that goes up,
axle goes underneath.

Lower it down on that,
Bob will be our uncle.

-Straighten up.
-Yeah.

-There you go.
-Bump stop on.

RICHARD: After many hours
of hard work,

we had made
cracking progress.

-It is on its own wheels.
-Rolling chassis!

Look at that!

Which meant we were famished

when Mr De Niro
finally got back.

-Chaps.
-Hello.

-I've got your lunch.
-Oh, about bloody time.

-Oh, sorry it's a bit late.
-Yeah, it's tea really, isn't it?

That's yours and mine. They were the same.
But, no, it's...

What's this?

It looks like cat sick.

It should look like that.
That's how it is.

But the bag
may have got a bit snicked.

Unfortunately, I licked that,
so this is mine.

It's stone cold, man.

What have you been doing
all this time?

Well, I might ask you
the same question.

I have built a town, a sewage
system and a restaurant.

I have cooked in the restaurant
and I have brought you your food.

-Which is cold. -You meanwhile
have bolted some wheels.

You've done
literally nothing.

Are you kidding? We've got a rolling
chassis. We've got the engine in.

How do you think we did that
and got those axles on?

-All right, start it up.
-It doesn't go yet.

We would have
got a bit further on

if we hadn't insisted on
lining up the damn...

-I haven't been lining up the tools.
-You did. You did.

-I've been saying... -We would
have spent more time...

...keep the fasteners
in the right place,

otherwise Hammond
puts the wrong ones in.

You're talking over each other.
Can you do it one at a time?

The one that you wanted
was over here in the dust.

I am making
an executive decision here.

-Hammond is in charge of the
build of this car. -What?

You can't make Hammond in charge of the
build. You're not in a position to.

-We have to have a vote on it.
-Listen.

I don't know how to build
a car, so that's me out, OK?

You, May, you do know
how to build a car

but it'll take you six
months, so you're out.

Hammond, he sort of knows how to
build a car but he'll do it quickly.

So he has to be in charge.

He has to get you speeded up.

-OK, I'm only doing what Hammond
tells me to do. -Right, good.

Sir, not wishing to
speak out of turn

but is there any reason
why I shouldn't do that

with an extension
on a socket wrench, sir?

-Stop calling me "sir" and just...
-Just... James...

He doesn't know
what he's doing.

Would either of you two like a beer?
Would that calm you down?

-Oh, yes.
-Yes, it would.

Right, as food
and beverages manager,

I shall go
and get you one.

I'll have a beer, please,
Robert.

JEREMY: With the promise of
beer, harmony was restored.

So this should line up.

It does.

So we've got two different lengths,
three different lengths...

RICHARD: Let's move it
and then go forwards.

Wait. Move forwards.

JAMES: Hang on. There's
a cable or something.

RICHARD:
That's the axle breather.

Just move it
and then go forwards.

(JEREMY HUMS)

Er...

-What are you looking for?
-What are you doing?

I've searched everywhere.
They haven't sent any beer.

Or gin or wine
or alcohol of any sort.

Is that serious
or is that a joke?

MAN: No, it's serious.

-Seriously there isn't any?
-No beer.

No alcohol, nothing.

And it's seven days away?

-We've got... It takes seven...
-And it's six o'clock.

How long is it gonna
take you to build this?

It's now five past six.

Well, we're not going to be
finished tonight, are we?

We're not gonna
finish it tonight.

JAMES: Spurred on by the
catastrophic alcohol situation...

Bulkhead support.
Bulkhead support!

...Hammond and I
put in a big shift.

And then, tired and hungry,
we went to the camp

for some more of Mr De Niro's
gourmet catering.

Right, now, what do you
want for supper?

-What have you got? -You can have hot
chocolate drink, regular flavour.

-For dinner?
-Well, biscuits, fruit?

Again, for dinner?

I didn't provide this.

Well, there's some sort of
curry-based things here.

-Do you want those?
-I don't like curry.

-You do like curry.
-Not really.

You're just being obtuse,
Hammond.

You're in a bad temper
because you're not drunk.

I'm not sure this is how
you're supposed to cook it.

It isn't. You put them in boiling
water but I couldn't be bothered.

Well, why didn't you rig up a way
of putting that pan over the fire?

-Well, you... -With some
water in it, then...

Who built the wigwam fire?
You did.

Well, why didn't you make
a hangy thing for the pan?

Out of what, mountains?

Just...

Eugh, God.

-It's still freezing.
-I know.

JEREMY: Not only
was dinner cold and terrible,

it was also rather boring.

What do people talk about
when they don't drink?

-I don't know actually.
-(SPITS)

It's a good point.

Brexit?

JEREMY: We've worked together
now for many years.

And we've never struggled to
think of anything to say before.

But I think that's partly because we can
never remember what we said last time.

-So we just do it again.
-Yeah, that's a fact, that.

What, you're saying we've just been repeating
ourselves every night for the last...

Yes, that's possible.

JEREMY: Because
we hadn't had any booze,

we woke the next morning
looking ten years younger.

Ready? Oh, down a bit.

Hammond and May
then went off to work.

-This is the canopy fixing kit.
-That's the one.

And later, I turned up
with a hearty breakfast.

Of water.

Can I just say, what you've built here
appears to have a central driving position.

-It does.
-Yes.

-It's mid-engined.
-Yes.

-It's a McLaren F1.
-It's a McLaren...

Except it's four-wheel-drive.

So it has a sort of
Lamborghini quality.

I mean, when we get
the bodywork on it...

-Ah.
-Yeah, that's a good point.

There isn't any bodywork
as such.

No. The plan is for us
to improvise bodywork

out of the wood that
came in the crates.

That's the only thing
there is to use.

-What, turn the crates into a body?
-That's all we've got.

-Yeah.
-Red, white and blue?

Don't say red and white because
they remind me of wine.

No, red, white...
Pink is wine.

Drink is clear. It's gin.

It's good for you.
It's healthy.

-Yeah, it's done you a lot of good.
-A natural product.

James and Richard then cracked
on with the oily stuff.

Yes.

And, since it didn't require
any actual skill,

I was allowed to
help make the body.

-I have made a door! RICHARD: You have.
That is a door. Brilliant.

I am a manufacturer of doors!

JAMES: As he set about
making another one...

Give it four or five pumps
and then hold your foot on.

No bubbles. Good.

...Richard and I
were working on the brakes,

the lights and the roof.

Oh, yeah. We just need to gather it up
and tie it off in corners and things.

That'll keep the sun off.

Our plan was to get finished

and get moving
by early afternoon.

But at the end of the day,
the situation was not good.

-So all that wiring has got to
be connected up? RICHARD: Yeah.

I haven't even got
the back lights on yet.

There's loads of wires.

Well, there's no way we're
gonna get that done tonight.

-No.
-No.

Again.

Phil, it said in that letter
from Mr Wilman

that it was hundreds of miles
to this town called Moron.

How many hundreds? Seriously.

To be honest with you,
I haven't got a clue.

So it could be 500?

It... I'd say more than that.

-More?
-What?

How much of it is on, like, paved
roads where we can make progress?

-None. None of it.
-None?

-There's no roads?
-No.

But you've got
an off-road vehicle.

Yes, I know.
But we've only got...

What is it? ...five
days of provisions left.

-Yeah. -And that's if we
can get it going tomorrow.

-We'll have to do... at least
100 miles a day... -Yeah.

-...off road in that...
-Yeah.

...or we'll starve to death.

Well, that's if it's 500 miles.
What if it's 600 miles?

-We'll have to do more.
-We don't know.

JAMES: All we did know was that we'd have
yet another night in Mr De Niro's hotel,

using up yet more
valuable rations.

So that's the main fuse. That comes
off the battery, doesn't it?

The next morning we rose
at five to finish the job.

There's technical stuff
in there.

And then, having built two boots
for all our provisions...

Nothing is to be wasted.

Everything is to be taken.

...our car
was finally finished.

And since our lives
depended on not crashing,

Jeremy and I secretly agreed that Hammond
should never be allowed to drive it.

-Right, this is it.
-Here we go.

(ENGINE STARTS)

JAMES: Yes!
(JEREMY LAUGHS)

RICHARD:
Oh, my God, it works!

JAMES: Good, OK, right...
-Oh, James, important thing.

In Mongolia, when you start on a
journey, you have to turn right.

-What? -Is that true?
-Yes, that is true.

-Is that a thing?
-It is genuinely a thing.

-What, every time? -Every
time that you begin a journey

-you go right.
-Right, here we go.

This is it.

-Right, James!
-Right, right, right!

-Right. -That's a
rut or something.

James, you're going left.

Hang on, the wheels are...

-Hey?
-Just turn it... OK, go left.

And now set off.

The steering's back to front, Hammond.
How have we done that?

-What do you mean it's back to front?
-Look, I'm turning left.

No, you're not,
you're just going straight.

-Turn it the other way, then. -If I
turn it the other way, that's straight.

And now I'm turning right and it's
going left. So I need to keep...

What have you two been
doing for the last two days?

We put the hydraulic pipes on the
wrong way round for the steering.

Yes.

JAMES: Having fixed this
minor issue, we set off.

Again.

Ha-ha! It works!
We're going along!

Our car is great.

The ride is good.

-It's not bad, is it?
-It's genuinely brilliant.

-Can we have a mild brake test?
-Yeah, OK, here we go.

-Whoa! Come on! -Like it?
They're pretty good, actually.

Well, whoever bled those,
well done. Good job.

-That was you, wasn't it?
-No.

But the doors I can claim.

And the number plates.

JEREMY: We had no idea
how far it was to Moron

and no real idea
of how to get there.

But Mr Wilman's stupid map

said we should head
first of all

to the Sandy Pit.

-Right, you see between those
two...mountain valley? -Yeah.

Stick to the valley floor.

JAMES: As we trundled along,
it soon became obvious

that if Jeremy had been asked
questions about Mongolia

on Who Wants To Be
A Millionaire?

he might have got
some of them right.

RICHARD: Sheeps.
JAMES: Sheepses.

Oh, do you know how they
k*ll sheep in Mongolia?

-No.
-Would you like to know?

-Your door's come open.
-Yes.

-So they make a snick in
its neck, yes... -Yes.

...put their hand
in through the snick,

grab the aorta on the heart and
squeeze it till the animal dies.

Apparently it makes
the sheep feel quite sleepy.

-Sleepy?
-I'm not sure,

if somebody made a hole in my neck and
put their hand in and squeezed my heart

-I'd say I'm feeling sleepy.
-No.

Wow, look! Cows.

Or yakky things.

Did you know, Hammond, that you can
make vodka from the milk of a yak?

How do I milk a yak?

(JEREMY LAUGHS)

JEREMY: Eventually, we started
to climb off the valley floor.

How fast do you
suppose we're going?

-No idea.
JAMES: 20mph?

This old engine was the one where
it would get bogged down off-road

because of the turbo,
wasn't it?

This is the one that
people complained about

when they put it in
the Defender.

So we're not talking about a
blitz of power, then, from it?

No, but they're bloody long-lived...
They're really tough engines.

JEREMY: Oh, oh, oh!
RICHARD: Wait a minute.

-Wow!
-Oh, my God!

JAMES: Oh, look at that!

That's the sandy bit.

That's massive.

JEREMY: In fact, it was just a small
detached bit of the Gobi Desert.

But even so, it would
be the first real test

for our hastily built
homemade car.

Oh, right, there is a river.

JAMES: I see it.

RICHARD: I think we want to
get out where that horse is.

-The horse is...
-Literally having a piss.

JEREMY: That's milk, though, coming
out of it. How's that happened?

RICHARD: No, it's wee.

JEREMY: Yeah, you're good.

-Right, up you go.
-(REVVING)

RICHARD: There it is.

JEREMY: Having reached
the edge of the sand...

...it was time
to prepare for entry.

Right, hang on,
let me just get my compass.

This is where we are
gonna need it.

So I put the N on the N,
don't I?

And then you're looking
for Northeast.

-So that way.
-Yeah.

JEREMY: The car had
a low-range gearbox.

But as its engine
was a bit gutless,

Hammond and I got out
to reduce weight

and set off to climb
the first dune on foot.

Oh, Hammond. Beer.

Agh!

But, boy,
was it worth the effort!

Oh, ho-ho-ho.

Oh, holy mother of...

RICHARD: That's beautiful.
I didn't expect this.

JEREMY: Well,
it's a lost world, look.

As we admired the view,

the world's
best off-road driver

was beginning his ascent.

Bollocks!

Be a shame if he misses this view
because of his incompetence.

-Yeah. -Because we've already
proved the car works.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's not the car.
He's just messing about.

Ohh!

JEREMY: Hammond then went off to
find a route James could use,

leaving me to contemplate the
majesty of my surroundings.

They say this is
the dark heart of Asia.

Perhaps that's
why no-one comes.

But, I mean, look.

And the other thing is,
Genghis Khan

created in just 20 years the biggest
empire the world has ever seen.

Why? It's not like
he was cramped here.

(SIGHS)

I don't really
want to go to a town.

-Oh, oh!
-(BLEEP) me!

Said the cameraman.

We really are good at wildlife
photography, aren't we?

-"Ooh, (BLEEP) me!"
-(LAUGHTER)

JAMES: Right, here we come!

JEREMY: With Hammond's help,
James finally got up the dune.

Yes, come on!
Come on, come on, come on.

Keep going, keep moving.
Mind that dip.

Oh, yes!

But from then on the going
got tougher and tougher.

(GROANS) Come on.

-Yeah, OK. -That's what I
meant, that's what I meant.

Right, digging.

Yes!

Try it up that way.

-James, back it up.
-Agh.

(ENGINE STRAINS)

Whoa, not again!

-It's gonna go.
JEREMY: Yes!

RICHARD: That worked!
-(LAUGHS)

JEREMY: Eventually, after a lot of
digging and zigging and zagging,

we reached some firmer sand.

Oh, we are
making progress now.

-Oh, yes.
-Straight on a bit.

-Greenery!
-Yes, there it is!

RICHARD: Salvation!

-Ohh!
-Bumpy.

JEREMY:
Hold on, stop, stop, stop.

Stop. I see a problem.

(JAMES CHUCKLES)

Right, so between us
and our quest is...

-A big drop.
-A cliff.

No, it's fine actually,
James.

Is it?
Yeah, it's fine. It's...

Yeah, you're good.
It's like that.

-Good.
-It's pretty much level-ish.

Yeah, you'll be fine.
Off you go.

Oh, you're funny men!

Oh, you're very funny!

JEREMY: Having crossed
the sandy bit,

we paused for
a moment of celebration.

So, there we are.
The first successful crossing

of the mighty Gobi Desert,

or some of it, in that car.

No, hang on a minute.

What?

What's troubling me is you see
that little bit of river there?

-Yes. -That's the river we crossed
to get into the Gobi Desert.

And we've emerged
300 metres away

from the stream where we
went into the desert.

James,
I've got some bad news.

We are still south
of the Gobi Desert.

Oh...

JEREMY: Rather than try
to drive through it again,

we decided to bravely
drive round it instead.

Right, now, let's just gloss over the
fact that we made a catastrophic error,

and ended up
back where we started from...

Just go round to... We're going
round the east, Hammond.

Yes.

JEREMY: Do you think this
passes for a road in Mongolia?

I suspect this is a road,
yes.

I should think... Yeah.

Cos do you know
how many paved roads

there are in
the whole country?

-Go on.
-Two.

-There's not two paved roads.
-Outside of the cities,

there are only
two paved roads.

Whoa, bumpy.

(ALL GROANING)

-James!
-Bumps!

(ALL GROANING)

One of the things
I'm worried about is

haemorrhoids
from these seats.

It's a very real possibility.

You can get haemorrhoids
from hard seats?

Yeah. Bounc... Jiggling.

However, there is
a Mongolian cure for them.

(GROANING)

k*ll a wolf,

remove its anus

and then grate it
onto your food.

I don't fanc...

-Really?
-No, seriously.

Because they reckon that
wolves never get piles.

So they reckon...

What, on the basis that no wolf
has ever said, "Ooh, my piles"?

"Ooh, my Chalfonts."

RICHARD: Bump! Ooh.

JAMES: As Jeremy
continued to amaze us

with his interesting facts
about Mongolia...

I do know that one of
Genghis Khan's cavalrymen

could sh**t an arrow
through a marmot's head

from 250 feet away
while galloping.

...it started to go dark.

But because we'd covered so few
miles, we had to plough on.

What the temperature is doing
is plummeting.

Where's the heater?

-Ah. There isn't one.
-Yes.

-Look, come on. -You can thank
Mr Wilman for that one.

RICHARD: Bump!

-(RATTLING)
-Oh-ha!

JEREMY: Soon we couldn't
see where we were going.

-Ready for some lights? -Yeah,
does this thing... Might be that.

-Lights! There they are!
-(CHEERING)

JEREMY: Hello. We've d*ed.
JAMES: We have d*ed.

RICHARD: Problem.
-Don't panic.

Don't panic. Handbrake,
please, Mr Hammond.

No, we've completely
lost the electrics.

So we turned the lights on
and...

That's what's...
It's fried a fuse, maybe.

JEREMY: The main fuse
had indeed blown.

So we replaced it

and with the roof lights
turned off,

resumed our headlong plunge
into the cold unknown.

(WIND WHISTLING)

JAMES: Let's sing a song!
-No.

JEREMY: Desperate
to cover more ground,

we didn't pitch the tents
till 1am.

And then after another cold
night of frost-hardened misery,

we wondered how we could make
our car more comfortable.

-Are you stiff?
-Oh, God, yeah.

My neck and back,
like, legs, everything.

Yeah, well, we're gonna... I think
we're gonnna make extra lumber support

with our rolled up
air mattress things.

And I would suggest from
my experiences yesterday

we use a bit of
the spare leftover foam

and double the thickness
of the arse portion.

I tell you what
I thought of in the night.

-Yes? -We should give
our vehicle a name.

I thought about that. I came
up with Genghis Car.

-(LAUGHING)
-That's really good!

-It's not bad, is it? -The
only slight problem with it is

Genghis was
quite a big m*rder*r.

-He was quite murdery.
-I suppose he was murdery.

He did 34 million.

Let's not name it
after him, then.

There's another
problem as well.

-He was quite rapey.
-He was very rapey.

-The rapiest man ever to have lived.
-Yeah, he was.

Do you know,
and this is not made up,

one in every 200 people
alive today

can trace their ancestry
back to Genghis Khan

or the seed of Genghis Khan.

So how did he have time
to do any warring?

Well, he must have just been
a skin full of sperm.

JEREMY: As work on
the modifications progressed,

I came up with a name
we liked.

-John. -John's a good solid name.
I like it.

It's honest.
It's unpretentious.

-Dependable people are called John.
-Yes.

-John Lewis.
-That is a dependable shop.

-Isn't it? -Yeah, exactly,
because it's called John.

With the comfort mods
complete

and John duly christened...

...we set off in search of
our next waypoint:

the Watery Part.

However,
Hammond was not happy.

Why are you driving?

Well, you drove yesterday.

No, I didn't.

-You did drive yesterday.
-I didn't.

He can't remember anything,
can he?

His memory...
Your memory, Hammond,

is just getting appalling.

I didn't drive.
I still haven't driven it.

To try and distract Hammond,

I came up with some more of
my special Mongol trivia.

Back in the 13th Century,

Khan, Genghis,

could get messages, OK,

from one side of his empire
to the other in four days.

They could do 250 miles
a day. One rider.

-What, relay horses?
-One rider. Yeah.

You'd ride, galloping,
flat out, 25 miles.

When you were a mile out

from the horse station
you were approaching,

you sounded your horn.

They had a horse ready.

You leapt onto it
without getting...

just from one horse
to the other,

and then carried on

and he could do
250 miles a day.

-So how many horses did he have?
-Across the empire?

-Yeah.
-30 million.

JEREMY: To keep Hammond's tiny
mind from thinking about driving,

we put him in charge
of navigation.

And weirdly,
he was rather good at it.

So we've got these two
mountain ranges...

and we go left and the watery
bit will be over there.

And guess what?
He was right.

It turned out to be a river,
which we'd have to cross.

Er...can't really
get out there.

Over there we can get out.

Oh, yes.
Picking my route carefully.

You don't need low-range. You just need
somebody with skill and precision.

Whoa!

RICHARD: Agh!

-That went wrong!
-Jeez!

Why would you do that to us?

Oh, the rest of the day's gonna
be bloody miserable! You muppet!

JEREMY: To make sure
it wasn't, we built a fire,

dried our shirts,

and then set off once more
into the big nothing.

And after a while, I felt another
Mongolia fact coming on.

It's about the same size as Spain, France,
Germany, the Czech Republic, Italy...

-All rolled in? -...Britain,
Ireland, all rolled in.

RICHARD: And it's empty.

Three million people living in an
area the size of Western Europe.

-Yeah. Staggering.
-Yeah.

With the sun
gently warming us,

we continued onwards in
search of the Twin Lakes.

Until navigator Hammond
suggested we climb a small hill

to get our bearings.

That looks a lot steeper
from here

than it did from back there.

It's a little hill.

JEREMY: Soon, though...

Axle tramping.

-Quite a lot of axle tramping.
-Quite bad.

-Right, stop.
-Yeah.

-I have. -Right, I think
we should get out.

-Why should you get out? -I'm the
only one who's driven John up hills

and I'm telling you,
that's too steep.

OK.

-You got it. You got it.
-That's better.

-Yeah!
-Come on, John.

-Wow!
-Come on!

JEREMY: He's hopping up
this hill like a rabbit.

RICHARD:
That is a remarkable sight.

JEREMY:
What a machine you are, John!

Good.

(LAUGHS)

RICHARD: Yeah!
JAMES: That's amazing.

John, the mountaineer
of many places,

has shaken his own
brake pedal off

but has made it.

JAMES: That's the first car
ever to pogo up a hill!

JEREMY: Thanks to John's
incredible achievement,

we could now see
what was what.

Nice one, Hammond.

-No lakes. -Well, we
can now rule it out.

We know it's not there.
It must be somewhere else.

-Yeah, it is.
-Exactly.

No, no, I mean, it is.

Exactly. It's there.

And so now we know where
we are in relation to it.

JEREMY:
With the Twin Lakes found,

we could plot the next leg
of our journey.

Some Trees
are northeast, look.

And there's
a Bumpy Meadow beyond.

It's definitely northeast.

After a pleasant drive
round the lakes

and past Some Trees,

we eventually arrived
at the Bumpy Meadow.

Which didn't sound too bad.

-However...
-Ow!

Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow!

-Ah!
-Bloody hell!

-Oh!
-That's proper bumpy.

Ow!

(ALL THREE GROANING)

(BLEEP) hell!

I can't tell from the map
how long this goes on for

but it looks to be forever.

(KNOCKING AND RATTLING)

(GROANING)

Smooth bit. Smooth.

Gentlemen, enjoy this moment.

I'm afraid it's over.

-Ohh!
-Ugh!

-Agh!
-Oh!

-Agh!
-Oh, that was huge.

Ow!

(JAMES GROANS)

RICHARD: Bloody hell!

-(THUD)
-Oh! Ooh!

That is 35 minutes
of solid this.

-Yeah. Ugh!
-Let it end!

(GROANING)

There's the end, look, there.

I know,
but it's 300 yards away.

(GROANING)

-Ooh!
-Ooh!

I just dislocated
my pelvis if that's possible.

It's just
snapped back into place.

RICHARD: Oh, God.

(RICHARD AND JAMES
SIGH WITH RELIEF)

This is 500 miles. Let's say we've done...
even if we've done 100...

Yeah.

Which is probably
about right.

Don't think about it.

Oh, 400 more miles of
not sleeping, not drinking

and driving over
that sort of stuff.

God, bloody hell!

I wouldn't even call that a
meadow. It's not a meadow.

I bet it was invented by Genghis
Khan for people he hated.

"You can either
have my solider

put his hand up your anus
and pull your heart out of it

or you can
drive across there."

-Bring on the solider. -Yeah.
It is bring on the solider.

JEREMY: As evening fell, we exchanged
one sort of discomfort for another.

Um...I'm frozen.

-What?
-I'm really cold.

And the wind's
coming this way.

I drive a lot faster
than you did yesterday.

I didn't drive yesterday!

What is the matter with him?

JEREMY: God knows
how many miles later,

we came across
our next landmark.

Oh, and there it is.
That is the Creepy Teepee.

What is it?

(LAUGHS)
It must be for something.

JAMES: Well, it must mean
something, mustn't it?

JEREMY: The annoying thing is,
normally we'd look it up on Google

and then we'd say,
with learned faces,

we know what this is
and we'd tell the viewer.

Well, what we've
actually got to say now is,

"We haven't got any phone service.
You have. You look it up.

Teepee, Mongolia."

If you wouldn't mind
looking it up, what it is,

and then imagine we're imparting
that information to you

-in a very learned fashion.
-I'll do it.

(MOUTHS)

James, that's fascinating.

Thank you for telling me
all about this thing.

-Ooh.
-What?

Look at this.

That looks like
bone and string.

-That's a proper piece of kit.
-I know.

RICHARD:
That's a Mongolian bow.

Ooh.

-Is it finders, keepers, or can I have it?
-It's finders, keepers.

I'm just checking.

Look, we don't know
what this is, do we?

No. Are we going to camp here?
Because it's still light.

Should we press on
a bit further?

We can go a bit more.
It's only half seven.

If we camp here,
what are we gonna do?

We'll have the tent up by
eight, fire lit by ten past.

-What do we then think at ten past eight?
-Well, what we'd normally do

-is drink heavily and set fire to that.
-Yeah. (LAUGHS)

-But that can't happen.
-No, I know.

But I'm not gonna
be able to resist...

-(RICHARD LAUGHS) -So I'm just not...
Let's go far away from here.

Let's move on
from the Creepy Teepee.

JEREMY: And so, on a glorious
evening, we did that.

Until eventually...

-Jeremy, you've been driving
for 12 hours straight. -Yeah.

-You've done really well and you
must be exhausted. -Here we go.

-Well, no, I tell you what, why don't I...
-Yes, yeah, go on.

-Really?
-Yes.

I can't sit listening to this
twittering on any more.

-Quickly. -Really? I'll gladly...
Brilliant.

-Thank you.
-Really?

Well, he just won't shut up.
"Can I drive? Can I drive?"

-Well, I mean, it's fair enough.
-"Can I drive? Can I drive?

-I built it. I want to drive."
-Thank you very much.

-First is over towards James.
-Oh-ho!

-Oh, yeah.
-Stop, stop, stop, stop.

What? What?

Well, I'm just thinking,
hang on...

This is literally
the most perfect spot.

-He's right, actually. -Why
don't we pitch camp here?

-What?
-That is a top camping site.

-Look at the view. -I mean,
look at the view there.

No, seriously, that is a... Even you've
got to admit that's a perfect camp site.

Yeah, shut it down, Hammond.
We'll pitch camp here.

(ENGINE STOPS)

JAMES: With that decided, Hammond
and I got the fire going

and then waited for the food and
beverage manager to work his magic.

-I didn't stop you driving.
-You did.

-How? -Suddenly
deciding to camp here.

Well, come on, you must admit
this is the perfect...

Even you can't find anything
to criticise about this

and you're
a camping enthusiast.

-It's very nice, yeah.
-It's perfect.

But there's plenty of nice...

-Guys?
-What?

Have you seen the ration boxes
for tonight and tomorrow?

No, that's your department.

I know, but I put them in that box
this morning and they've gone.

All we've got is night six.

We've got night six

and we've got bread-making
kit, which is flour and rice.

Oh, no, hang on a minute.
Where were the ration boxes?

Well, I thought they were
in that back box.

That's where I've been
keeping them the whole time.

-You know, the one on the right.
-Yes.

The lid of that was bouncing up and
down when you did the Pac-Man thing.

I bet they fell out.

Well, that's actually
really bad.

Well, we've got ration six,

which is for the night
after tomorrow,

which gives us
tomato and pasta salad,

Thai-style chicken soup,
tomato and pasta salad.

Oh, no. I do apologise.

No, it's all right. Relax.

We've got two sachets
of instant coffee

and one sachet of creamer.

Well, you can't... No,
I'm sorry, I don't buy that.

I have done
high and low searching.

-Were they boxes like that? -Yeah,
they're boxes exactly like that.

Did you strap them
to the back, on there?

Because I've taken
that sand ladder off today.

Were any of them on top of here
because all of this has come off?

-All of that.
-I didn't put it in there.

Bloody hell. Are you sur...

I'm 100% sure.

Honestly,
I've looked everywhere.

Well, if we were sensible,

we'd have
how many nights is it?

He reckons
we need three more nights.

And there's three sachets.

-So we'd be down to a third
of a sachet each. -Yeah.

And each sachet contains, what is
it, 6,000 calories or something?

Well, there's a lot of food value
in them cos they're for soldiers.

So what if we share one?

I... Something'll turn up.

Let's just pretend this hasn't
happened and eat the lot.

It's always my philosophy.

JEREMY: The next morning, after
another sober and sleepless night,

it became obvious
that the lack of drink

was having a strange effect
on one of my colleagues.

What are you doing?

I've had an idea.
It's raining, yeah?

We need windscreen wipers.
We don't have one on there.

So I thought of how to build one.
Got all this rubber.

Sandwich that.
Two pieces of wood.

Big piece of wood
over the back of it.

Bit of string round it. We can
operate it as a windscreen wiper.

What's all that racket?

Well, somebody's
kidnapped Richard Hammond

and replaced him with this
Richard Hammond lookalike,

who got up early,
had an idea by himself,

is executing it by himself
and it's a windscreen wiper.

And you borrowed my book last
night on the history of Mongolia.

It's very, very good as well. I've
just got to the visit from those monks

when they're first over there and
first encounter Mongolian culture,

which until then simply
hadn't been known about.

Anyway, I've got to get on with this.
I've nearly done it.

The only slight problem
I can see

-with the new dynamic
Richard Hammond... -Mm.

...is that he might
get his memory back.

-A sober Richard Hammond.
-I see what you mean, yeah.

Um...let's get this straight.
When did he drive?

-The day before yesterday.
-The day before yesterday.

-And he drove last night.
-Oh, yeah. Yeah, OK, yeah.

-So it's my turn, isn't it?
-It's your turn, yeah.

-Did he... Has he really made
a windscreen wiper? -Yeah.

And it sounds
like it'll work.

-We'll bring him along again.
-(LAUGHS)

JEREMY: We then set off.

And exactly 17 seconds later,

conversation reverted to
the principal issue at hand.

Last night, I had a dream
about a glass of wine.

You're dreaming
about wine now.

And I can tell you
it was a Sancerre.

It had that fantastic
acidic hit at the beginning

and then a couple of seconds later that
slight warmth in the roof of my mouth.

It was fantastic. And then I
woke up and it wasn't true.

And I nearly wept.

You know what we should call this
car, really, instead of John?

-What, Gin?
-Rehab!

(ALL LAUGH)

(RUMBLE OF THUNDER)

JEREMY: Soon the rain
became torrential.

(CRASH OF THUNDER)

Which meant it was time

to unleash Professor
Hammond's invention.

-What the hell is that?
-That is a windscreen wiper.

Now, to me.

To you.

To me... to you.

To me.

Hammond, we're gonna
have to face facts.

-To me.
-It doesn't work.

To you.

To me.

It doesn't work, does it?

This is raining
quite heavily now.

(CRASH OF THUNDER)

What is all... What's happening
above me here, look?

Above you?

(RICHARD AND JEREMY LAUGH)

(ALL THREE LAUGH)

-Oh, dear. -James, I'm afraid,
ladies and gentlemen,

has wet himself.

(ALL THREE LAUGH)

-We need to work on that.
-We do.

-It can't rain all day, can it?
-Yes.

-Oh, it's... -Rain before
seven, fine by 11.

I don't think
that works in Mongolia.

-That's only in Cotswolds.
-(THUNDER)

JEREMY:
Oh, hello, what's this?

Look at that ridge.

Look at that funny ridge.

JEREMY: What we'd stumbled on here
was a huge geological scar...

...that seemingly
ran on for ever.

I read about this in a book,
actually, before I came out here.

There used to be a lake as
big as that one over there,

the one we camped by
last night, here,

and then in 1905
there was an earthquake,

a truly cataclysmic
earthquake.

The lake was consumed.
It simply disappeared

and a cr*ck 400 kilometres
long was formed in the earth.

But luckily, this enormous
earthquake happened in Mongolia.

So the death toll...was 15.

As I marvelled
at the power of the planet,

the Professor was busy mending
and extending our roof.

Right, so if we put
these two bars across...

If you pull that
over to your side...

That's better.

JEREMY: With that done,
we resumed our journey.

And since the Very Big cr*ck

was one of the features on
our Winnie-the-Pooh map,

we knew that next up
was the wooden house.

It doesn't say
what the house is.

JAMES: Could it be a pub?
RICHARD: Well...

JEREMY: Well, it could be.
-Exactly right.

Or just an off-licence.

If it is a pub, on that map

it's about 100 miles high,
so we won't miss it.

JEREMY: Oh, no, this pub is
bigger than the Gobi Desert.

Yeah, we should spot it,
then.

It should also have plenty of
stock, which it's going to need.

JEREMY: Since we couldn't
only talk about drink,

we tried to come up with some
other topics of conversation.

I did a turd yesterday, OK?

I looked down at it

and it was two storeys
with a little bit sticking up

and, as I looked down,
this fly landed on it.

You could see it. It looked at me
like, "This is now my palace."

Then later on that same fly
was in your tent.

With that subject exhausted, we fell
back on my new favourite topic.

There's no getting away
from the fact, though,

that Genghis Khan was
the greatest m*llitary mind

-the world has ever seen.
-But an utter bastard.

Oh, an utter bastard.

I mean,
Genghis once did one town

and then he cut all the women and
children and cats' heads off

and made a pyramid
out of them.

-Cats is a nice touch.
-Yeah.

He hadn't got enough. He needed
some filler for his pyramid,

so he cut
all the cats' heads off.

See, that's a warning
to the next town, isn't it?

The next town is
gonna say, "We give in."

"Ah, Mr Khan, we've had a look at your
CV and, yes, you can have the city."

-"And everything in it."
-"Help yourself!"

But there has never been
a greater m*llitary mind.

I mean, the Roman Empire

compared to the Mongol Empire

was literally
a speck of dust.

His went from the Yellow Sea
to the Danube.

At this point, our conversation was
interrupted by something hilarious.

-Oh, my God!
-Oh, ho-ho!

-Oh, dear. -Can we just
see that on that camera?

I don't know if we can
turn it round a bit.

That's our camera
tracking car.

-(LAUGHS) It's stuck.
-Stuck.

-John isn't. John is not stuck.
-Are we stuck? No.

As we needed the camera crew to make
this miserable trip worthwhile,

we had to rescue them.

Are you feeling a bit smug?

-I am actually full of smug.
-Yeah.

-OK, here we go.
JAMES: Ready to go?

In three, two, one.

Dump that clutch. Dump it.

-And we're free!
-John has done it!

John has succeeded!

John has pulled the mass-produced
Toyota Land Cruiser

out of the mire!

Here's the message
we're giving you all.

Buy Mongolian.

Riding on a cushion of smugness,
we resumed our search

for the wooden pub.

But soon it became
a cushion of misery.

(WIND WHISTLES)

Oh, that is cold now.

Brrr-brrr-brrr.

(RICHARD GROANS) How can the temperature
vary this much this quickly?

It's incredible.

(GROANS) It's because
it's land-locked, isn't it?

-There's no sea to moderate it.
-Exactly.

Moments later, though,
our spirits were lifted.

-What's that?
-Pub. That's the pub.

This is the first time in two-and-a-half
days that I have hope in my heart.

-Well, what do you want?
-Scotch.

-I'd have mulled wine.
-No, brandy. I think brandy.

What about
some King's Ginger?

Ooh, God! Yes.

-There's the door. Right.
-The door. The door.

Three pints of your finest,
please, landlord.

Locked?

Shut, maybe.

-It's not open. -Well,
they might just not be up.

-Hello...in Mongolian.
-Hello.

-Oh, wait.
-Hello.

-Oh, no, hang on.
-It's empty.

-It is, isn't it?
-It's disused.

(WIND WHISTLING)

-Hungry. Hungry now.
RICHARD: Yeah.

-And damp.
-And damp. Very damp.

You know on other TV shows where
you've got, like, explorers and stuff?

You mean Bear Grylls?

Yeah, they don't moan,
do they?

-No, they don't moan...
-He doesn't moan.

-...because they go back to a hotel.
-Yeah.

"Oh, I'm being chased
by a bear,"

which is a man in a (BLEEP) bear
costume, and then he goes to a hotel.

We, on the other hand, are stupid
enough to sit in a homemade car

when it's minus 40,
with no drink, no food,

and no end in sight
to this journey.

I'm actually getting fed up.

JEREMY: Several
horrible hours later, though,

our spirits were
lifted once more.

Wait a second. Is that...

That's a road.

That's the first made road
we've seen.

The only place it can go
is Moron.

-It's the only place.
-There isn't any other.

Why go to the trouble of making a
road unless it goes to the only town?

-It's a road!
-This goes to Moron!

JEREMY: We're on a road!

Oh, let's get some speed up.

We'll be at the pub tonight!

Pub tonight,
we'll be straight there.

Oh, my God!

I've never been so happy
in my entire life.

-There's a bridge...
-Smell it.

We haven't even got to clamber down.
There's an actual bridge!

JEREMY: The bridge, as it turned
out, was the Wibbly Wobbly Bridge.

But Wibbly Wobbly was
a bit of an understatement.

This was no problem for John, though,
who simply hopped through the river.

It's a signature
characteristic.

-And back onto the road.
-It works.

-Here we go.
-Moron, here we come!

-Bunny hopping.
-Yes!

Yes! Yes!

What?

JAMES: Well, that was
a bit short-lived.

Oh, why has it just ended?

JEREMY:
The reason it had ended

was because of the
next feature on our map...

...which up close
appeared to be...

...completely impassable.

However, Eeyore likes
boggy and sad places, so...

-James, don't just... James, don't
drive in... -As the bloody crow flies!

Well, pick a route!

JAMES: It's the same as the
stuff we were doing yesterday.

-Slow down!
-Not so fast!

-Slow down! -Calm down.
It's fine.

This is an off-roader. It's perfectly
capable of this sort of thing.

-Well, it's not, is it? It's...
-Just stop, stop, stop.

It is idiotic
to drive in here.

It's poured with rain all
last night and all morning.

It's gonna be
an absolute quagmire.

We've got to get
to those mountains.

-Well, look...
-Let's find a...

We'll find a way round it.
We need higher ground.

If we drive around...
Look, if we drive around it,

that could be an extra
100 miles for all we know.

The road leads here. This is
obviously the way you go.

They wouldn't build a road to
something you couldn't drive through.

Where are you going now?

-Well, I'm aiming for the mountains.
-Water here.

Oh, we've...

JAMES:
That's some mud. Don't worry.

Oh, James!

Agh! Agh!

JAMES:
No, that's not gonna work.

I'm going to k*ll him.

RICHARD: Oh, bloody hell!
You've buried it!

JAMES: With two fewer passengers,
and the diffs locked...

JEREMY: Go on, James, go on.
Power, power, power!

...John boinged free.
-Yay!

RICHARD: Excellent effort.

JEREMY: Right, you're out.

Only another 300 miles of this
bog you've driven into to go.

JEREMY: Thanks to
May's stubbornness,

it looked like
we'd be spending

the rest of the day on foot.

RICHARD: It could be
like this all the way.

Oh, shitty death,
that's a bit...

The bank collapsed.

JAMES: Luckily, the new improved
Richard Hammond came up with a plan.

Right, this'll do.

Oh, for (BEEP) sake.

I can't get my shoe...

Oh, May! I've lost my shoes!

Ha!

What do you want me to do
before I die of hypothermia?

Because my shoes are four feet
under the bog over there.

I'm going to shackle the high-lift
jack to the eye on there.

I'm then going to shackle this
tow rope to the high-lift jack.

I'm going to set 10 or 12 ground pins
into the solid ground over there,

use the parachute harness as an
anchor, shackle this to that,

and use the jack
as a winch to wind it out.

I live in Holland Park, I don't
read off-roading magazines.

JAMES: He's being very sort
of authoritative, for him.

Well, he's sober,
and he's in his element.

Right.

Give it a go.

Come on, come on!

Yay!

Yeah, those mountains are
only now 70 kilometres away!

RICHARD: Oh, dear God!

We could have found
a path round.

-(SPLASH)
-(JAMES SPUTTERS)

JEREMY: Several miles later,
James became his stuckest yet.

Oh, my God.

-Ah-h-h...
-It'll be all right, go on.

-Agh, agh, agh! -You're all
right, you'll be all right.

That's very perilous.

And then, alarmingly, he asked
Hammond to take the wheel.

You're going... Wait a minute, you're
actually letting him drive John?

Well, he's...
Well, he's from the country.

You've to remember,
that's only like

getting out of the
garage at Hammond's house.

-(JEREMY CHUCKLES)
-(ENGINE REVS)

You're in third gear.
Try first.

Honestly, mate, anyone would think
you'd never driven this before.

RICHARD: Come on!
Come on, come... come out.

-Ah! -He's ruined
everything in there.

The map, ruined.

Compass, ruined.
Cameras are ruined.

RICHARD:
It will go, it will...

Oh, that's not supposed...
I can save this.

And he's rolled it.
How far has he covered?

Less than its own length.

RICHARD: It's all right,
I'm used to this!

(JEREMY LAUGHS)

What are we going to do?

I know, why don't you, with your
vast bulk, just stand up on there?

That could be enough to just tip it back
again. Jump off, we're back where we started.

What?

-You want me to get on it?
-Well, just on there.

-That's a brilliant idea.
-You're the heaviest.

That's why they call
you Fatty Car Righter.

(GRUNTS) Right, I'm on.

(RICHARD LAUGHS)

This was entirely
predictable...

JAMES: There you go.
-It's working!

-Yay!
-Thank you.

-Right, the trouble is now, James...
-Yeah?

-...he's stuck where he is. -And
you're stuck where you are.

But if I climb over you into that
seat, that should be enough.

This is like the end
of The Italian Job.

-Right, I'll stand on the tyre.
-Yeah.

Right, so Hammond gets out.

-As I slide into the middle, you get in at
the same time. -That's actually clever.

And then he can get back in
and we're all in.

-I'm out of there.
-And I'm going to get in now.

-Right.
-Right, I'm f*ring up.

(ENGINE REVS)

Coming...

-Agh!
-Jesus!

-Christ on a...
-That was close.

JEREMY: Right, we're out.
JAMES: There you go.

Stop, I want to get out.

I never want to drive another
inch with you, or him.

After such
a fraught afternoon,

we all needed
a bit of me-time.

After several silent hours,

we stopped for the night at what
looked like a promising spot.

-But it just isn't, is it?
-Not really.

(WIND WHISTLING)

RICHARD: But no matter.

The food and beverage manager
soon swung into action.

(HISS OF GAS)

Using traditional methods
to get this fire going.

And soon we shall have
some delicious rice.

-How would you like it, boiled?
-Yeah.

-There's nothing we can put with it.
-(BEEP) Ow! How's...

What manner of thing
has happened?

(BEEP) sh*t! What's gone...

RICHARD:
Incoming. (MIMICS expl*si*n)

Holy-moly!

It was a hand grenade. It was
literally a hand grenade.

You set fire to the
plastic housing at the top.

JEREMY: As supper cooked, I
decided to string my new bow.

Where's my parachute cord?
Here.

This bow, it goes that way,
doesn't it, yeah?

No. Goes the other way.

-Goes that way?
-Yeah.

-That way?
-Yeah.

-But surely you'd pull it...
-No, that will break it.

Because the material on the outside
works better when it's stretched.

Its tendon, sinew.

The material
on the inside, bone,

works better under compression
when it's squashed.

It's the world's first example
of composite materials.

Some Mongolian warriors were
the first to ever do that.

So they put the two materials
sandwiched together,

so the bone is squashed
on the inside...

The tendon is stretched
on the outside,

and then it goes "Pa-twang!"
And as a result,

their bows could be half
the length of a long bow,

and still as powerful.

So they could fire from
horseback over the neck,

and you fire to the right,
to the left, or behind.

Those are the three positions
they could fire.

I used to know this guy called Richard
Hammond who was daft as a brush.

How do you know all that
stuff about bows and arrows?

It's just... I...

Because I'm
remembering things.

-(JEREMY LAUGHS)
-Don't like it!

JEREMY: The next morning, after
eating the last of our food,

we resumed
our journey to Moron.

We reckoned
we'd covered 350 miles.

But as our map
was not to scale,

we had no idea
how much was left to go.

All we did know is that we
were hungry and worn out.

I've got incredible aches and
pains across my shoulders.

Well, there is no bit of me
that doesn't ache.

There's no bit of me that's
warm, comfortable, dry,

and I defecated for the sixth,
fifth, sixth day on the trot

in a field like an animal.

-(THUDS)
-Oh!

-Oh, bloody...
-My back!

I think we got
some air there.

-(JAMES GROANS)
-Oh, sh*t.

(JAMES GROANS)

Oh, God, that was not good.

Still, at least things
soon got worse.

(THUNDER RUMBLES)

Oh, brilliant.

Just getting
a golden shower now.

(ROARING WIND)

Oh, jeez,
that's the worst it's been.

JEREMY: If there's a cliff at the
top of this, I'm going over.

I'm just going to end it now.

I want a glass of wine!

We were aiming for
the next target on our map,

which was Lots of Trees.

And soon, we found them.

-Oh, look at that.
RICHARD: Wow!

Wowee!

Holy mother of God, what
an amazing place we're in.

Next, we were looking
for the Big River,

and to get a better view we
made once more for high ground.

-Come on, John.
-(JUDDERING AND RATTLING)

Yes, you can do it.

I'm sorry,
I find that quite funny.

I think it's when he's happy.

At the top,
there was no river in sight.

Just more Mongolia.

So we broke out the map.

Right, we've got
a decision to make.

I reckon we're here, OK?

Cos we've done Lots of Trees,

we're about just
sort the end of that bit.

And we've got to cross this
river, whatever happens.

We could go either this way
up north and around.

That probably is
a bit further.

Or we could go south.

-That is a lot further than that.
-Yes.

But it ends in
the Deep River of Despair

with crashing water
over rocks.

They've...
It's illustrated on the map.

-That does not... -They made a
point of drawing it like that.

If we can't cross there, we'll have to
come all the way back up and round anyway.

If we go this way,
we'll find a track.

There'll be a way along the
side, the flanks of that lot.

-That valley there.
-Yes, round...

-That's a long way round.
-I know, but...

It's further but it
doesn't have that in it.

We are agreed,
then, gentlemen.

-We are heading north.
-Yes.

We're not interested in pretty,
we're not interested in despair.

We're interested in wine.

-And the easiest route is that one.
There you go. JEREMY: North.

RICHARD: Saddle up.

JEREMY: Our decision had added
yet more miles to the journey.

But there was
an upside to that.

We would get to see more of this
achingly beautiful country.

(WIND WHISTLES)

Mongolia just changed again.

-What was I not expecting to see?
-Camels.

Yep. What am I seeing?

RICHARD:
Ooh. Pine. Smell. Ohh!

And that's real pine,
not pine out of a tin.

JEREMY: I tell you what I'll
be able to do in here. -What?

Go off with my bow and arrow
and catch things.

-Ha-ha-ha! -What do you
mean, "Ha-ha-ha!"?

-Look at that down there now. -Look at
the size of that eagle on that rock!

-Holy crap!
JAMES: Oh, God, yes.

RICHARD: It's massive!

RICHARD: It's gonna be weird
going home

when you can't just set off in
the direction you wanna go.

-I wanna go over there.
-Go over there, then.

It's gonna be really strange.

JEREMY: Many hours later, we
still hadn't spotted the river.

Could you hear
my stomach rumbling?

Not over my own, no.

JEREMY: But then...

-That's the river.
-What?

That's the river. I just saw
it at the foot of those hills.

You didn't, Hammond.
Can you see a river, James?

-No.
-Neither can I.

-It's the river of gin in his imagination.
-He's gone mental.

-You'll see it in a minute. At the
foot of that cliff. -Oh, my...

-Oh, he's right.
-Thank you.

JEREMY: All we had to do now
was get down to it.

And I had a simple plan.

-Why don't we go down here? -You
don't know what's over this edge.

-It might be really steep and horrible.
-It might be sheer.

-(COMEDY VOICE) Relax!
-No, it's not relaxing.

RICHARD: James, will you hold
it in low ratio? -Yes, I am.

Because if it pops out now...

Then we would be in
a world of pain.

We'd be doing a million
miles per hour by the time...

JEREMY: Literally a million.

(CLUNKING AND RATTLING)

-It's steep, isn't it?
-It is steep!

JEREMY:
It's steeper than I thought.

Soon, though, thanks to my
brilliant plan and driving,

we made it!

JEREMY: Oh,
a smooth run to the river.

Pop across it. Quick
evening drive into Moron.

RICHARD: Yeah, we can
still get there tonight now.

JEREMY: But then
when we arrived at the river,

our hearts sank
into our empty stomachs.

Look at what's on
the other side. I mean, look.

-Yeah, that's... -Observe
to your left, gentlemen.

RICHARD: That is a huge problem.
Well, we can't get out.

JAMES: We'll not even get up there,
to be honest. RICHARD: What do we do?

We have to do cross it.

-The thing is, it'll take us hours...
-Yeah.

JAMES: Yeah. -..to find
somewhere to cross.

-Hours. JAMES: And
then it'll be dark.

-Yes.
-So...say it.

We're going to... Yes, we're
going to have to camp here.

But we've got no food.

JEREMY:
That wasn't quite true.

We had some flour,
and a packet of creamer.

Which we mixed with
some ice-sharp river water,

and fresh herbs
to create a soup

that was
surprisingly disgusting.

And the next morning,
we began our search

for a crossing point.

But hang on, is that a gap
coming up there?

JEREMY: Even if we could
do 30 yards, look behind it.

Look, we've got to turn
around and try the other way.

Hang on, hang on.
What about there?

JAMES: Actually,
that looks quite good.

-There's basically a lawn on the other
side. -The other side is fantastic.

-And there's a gap in the mountain.
-But look how deep it is.

-Yeah, that's ten feet deep. -Going
to drown the car getting across.

JEREMY: Eventually though, after
several more miles of searching...

Wait a minute.
That looks extremely good.

RICHARD: That's the way out.

JEREMY: And the river's
shallow there. Can you see?

-Where it's... -That looks
like a bit of a gift.

How deep do we think it is?

RICHARD: It's broad here so it won't
have carved a deep groove, will it?

-Is that how it works? -Let's
go with that thought, shall we?

-Yeah, let's go with that. -Or we could
drive up and down here until we die.

I'm sick of driving up and down.
We can get out, so let's get in.

JAMES:
We can definitely go on.

We've got a snorkel breather
on the engine.

We cross the drink
and get a drink.

-(EXHALES) Let's do it.
-Right.

(SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC)

JEREMY: OK, and we're...

-Oh, John is wading.
-(OVERLAPPING DIALOGUE)

Oh-ho! Whoa! That's...
that's glacial run-off,

and it's unbelievably cold!

JAMES: Whoa, that's...
Oh, no! -Oh!

JEREMY: OK, James, I now have a
freezing starfish. RICHARD: Oh!

-It's all the way up to my arse.
-Argh!

(BUBBLING)

JEREMY: It's too deep,
it's deep. Stop, stop, James.

Back up, James.
Please, I beg of you.

(REVVING, CLUNKING)

-I think the wheels are spinning.
JEREMY: They are spinning.

Yeah, that's not working.

I did feel us run over
a boulder or something.

-Did you feel that?
-Yes.

I think we're wedged
against that backwards.

(THUDS)

(THEY CRY OUT)

-Did I just feel the whole car move?
-Yes, you did.

-That's the current.
JAMES: Forwards.

We can't go forwards. If that gets any
deep...and we've got inches in here,

the engine will be
completely submerged,

all the electrics
underwater - end of.

JEREMY: The only solution
was to reverse.

Which meant we had
to free the rear wheels.

-Holy sh*t!
JAMES: What?

I've just had
a transgender operation.

Aargh!

-Ohh! -Are you all right,
Hammond, in there?

I'm not getting out.

I'm from Birmingham.
I'm not good with water.

-Uhh!
-Ahh!

The current's really
(BLEEP) strong.

-It's very deep. -Guys, I just felt
the car move again in the current.

-Cut the doors off.
JEREMY: Why?

-Cut the doors off!
-Why cut the doors off?

-They're what's moving it.
-They're the only bit I put on!

Well, I don't care, it's
gonna k*ll the whole car.

James,
cut the other ones off.

(SNAPPING)

(THUDDING)

JAMES: Doors are off.

Oh, brilliant! So the only
contribution I made to John

are now on their way
to Shanghai.

Now, though,
we could concentrate

on finding out
what was blocking us.

JEREMY: We're both going simultaneously?
-(LAUGHS)

JEREMY:
Three, two, one...

JEREMY: Both rear wheels
were jammed by big rocks.

-Can you move the rocks?
-Oh, yes, Hammond.

When there's an emergency in
the world people always say,

"I know who we'll call: James
May and Jeremy Clarkson.

-They're the men for the job."
-That's who we're relying on.

You're gonna
have to be like Titans.

You say you're a horse of a man.
Be a horse, move the big rock.

Are you in neutral?
Cos I'm about to dive down.

-In neutral, I'm not going anywhere.
-Right.

-Come on, let's go, the quicker we
get this done. -OK, counting down.

JEREMY: Three, two, one...

(BOTH INHALE)

(MUFFLED SPEECH)

(BLEEP) Current's got me.

(BLEEP) hell.

-(BLEEP) The current...
-I moved it a bit.

The current just got a hold. I
dived down and the current got me.

JEREMY: Don't worry, Hammond,
everything's fine back here. -Good.

-Oh, I've done it. Oh, yes!
-Have you done it?

-Yes. -Right, let's clear this one.
Hang on.

-I got it. I think I got it.
-Got it?

(ENGINE REVS)

JEREMY: It's moving, we've done it!
We have... JAMES: Oh, yes!

JEREMY: Thanks for the lift, Hammond.
-Yeah.

Right. Two things.

The river's really cold,
and that bit's too deep.

-Right. I think we need to try
another route. -Yeah, we do.

-Definitely.
-OK, get on board.

JEREMY: We re-entered where the
river seemed to be shallower.

Turn right. Now.

Yeah, well done, top work.

JAMES: Bit leany. JEREMY: Right,
keep going, keep going, keep going.

Yep. Right, now,
hang a diagonal.

Aim for those - the gap
in the trees, do you see?

Really good.
This is good, this is good.

If it doesn't go
suddenly deep.

Oh, Christ,
we've gone deep again.

Right, keep going,
keep going, keep going.

JEREMY: You can feel it now,
it's getting shallower.

JAMES: Ah, yes! RICHARD: Do you
know, I think we might make it.

JEREMY: Left hand down.
That's it. Left hand down.

We've nearly done it.

RICHARD: John can swim. I'm staggered.
-Wahay, John!

-I am staggered.
-Ha-ha-ha!

We're on our way to gin town.

JEREMY:
Before moving on, though,

we had to make
some modifications.

We haven't driven John as a
convertible before with the top down.

No. We should explain, the reason
we're driving with no roof,

is because James has turned it into
a pair of trousers cos his are wet.

Hammond and I have turned one of
the tents into a pair of trousers,

so if we don't make
Moron tonight...

Two of us are sharing. You two will be
all right in a tent together, won't you?

JAMES: No.
JEREMY: Wrong.

Now the river was behind us, we
had to work out what lay ahead.

Which was impossible.

Oh, God. There's just
nothing marked on the map.

It just is cross the river,
and then...nothing.

RICHARD: No.

JEREMY: We were therefore
surprised a few miles later

to find our route
was peppered by something

we hadn't encountered before.

About half a billion
boulders.

(CLANKING, ENGINE REVVING)

(CLANKING)

JEREMY: No, stop, stop, stop.

He's bouncing, Hammond. That's the
sign for you and I to jump ship.

Good luck, mate.

(CLANKING)

(ENGINE REVVING, CLANKING)

JEREMY:
Try reversing.

I'm just covered in flies,
cos of my orange trousers.

(BUZZING)

The orange trouser
was a poor, poor idea.

JEREMY: Right,
what we're trying to do now,

is because all the
weight's on the back,

is actually reverse up.

Left hand down!

Right...Agh!

-OK, keep going. Straight back.
-Have to shout!

Straighten up.
Over to you, Hammond.

Bit of right.
Uh...a lot of right.

Now left hand, hard left.

RICHARD:
Once the slope levelled out,

John could turn and tackle
the terrain face-on.

JEREMY:
And hard left.

(CLATTERING)

(CLANKING)

JEREMY: Honestly, have you ever
seen an off-roader like that?

RICHARD: What a machine!

(CLANKING)

JEREMY:
This is his hardest work yet.

RICHARD: Ultimately, you're going
down there, down the gully,

up the other side, and into the clear
meadow beyond and we're all saved.

Jeeps! Are you sure
about this, Hammond?

Yeah!
Now a bit more right.

There you go.
Keep the right in.

-Hammond, Hammond.
-Yes?

-Have you seen...
-Oh, God!

-(THUD)
-Agh! What was that?

-Sorry, we were a bit distracted by this.
-We were looking at the ants.

JEREMY: There are more ants there than
there are Mongolians in Mongolia.

RICHARD: There probably are.
JEREMY: Give it the beans!

RICHARD: Good, you are out.

I can't believe what it's capable
of off-road. I'm staggered.

I have genuinely never seen

-a better off-road car than this.
-No, it's astonishing.

I think NATO will be ordering
20,000 of these when they see this.

What are you thinking about,
Hammond?

-Drink. -I don't think I'm
gonna be allowed through

-the passport thing when I get home.
-They won't recognise you.

I'll be two stone lighter, and
I'll look like Jon Bon Jovi.

We were now more
desperate than ever

for this trip to end.

If we can just get... You see those
trees on the crest up there?

JAMES: Yeah. -Will we be able
to see Moron from up there?

We'll see the sign that says: "Moron,
twinned with Jeremy Clarkson".

(LAUGHS)

JEREMY: Soon,
with our hearts soaring,

we were nearing the peak.

JEREMY: Summit.
Can we see Moron?

Can we see Moron?

(DRAMATIC MUSIC)

RICHARD: Where is it?

JEREMY: Oh, no. No, no.
JAMES: Oh, jeez...

RICHARD: Oh, bloody hell!
JAMES: Please!

RICHARD: Oh, my God.

(INSECTS BUZZING)

(SIGHS)

k*ll me.

We've only got two tents.

We've no food.

We were also low on fuel.

But we had to plough on
with the punishment.

-(THUDDING)
-(THEY CRY OUT)

Until two hours later,
when we came across

the most wonderful thing
we'd ever seen.

This was the first reminder
in seven days

that we were in
the 21st century.

RICHARD: Oh, my God! JEREMY: Yes!
I've never been so happy...

But we still had to make
a critical decision.

RICHARD: On one end of this...
JEREMY: Is Moron.

-Yes.
-The question is:

Do we go left...
or do we go right?

-Right.
-Well, why right?

Because I'm very lucky.

And it's lucky to go right
in Mongolia.

-That's going to Moron. -What if that
just goes all the way to nothing?

-It won't go to nowhere.
-It'll go a power station.

It'll go to Russia. Go to a power
station in Russia is where it'll go.

One end's got a power station
in Russia on the end of it.

-The other has a gin and tonic.
-And the other end... yeah.

Has got a gin and tonic.

RICHARD: We've decided.

Let's just stick with it and
have faith in our decision.

JEREMY: Yeah, just to be
crystal clear, though,

-if this is wrong...
-I'll k*ll myself.

...I will be the one that says,
"I told you it was left."

Yeah, I know you will.
But I'll have k*lled myself,

so it doesn't matter,
I won't hear it.

We needn't
have worried though,

because just
a few miles later,

we discovered that in Mongolia it
really is lucky to turn right.

What a heavenly sight.

(EXHALES) How far away
do you reckon it is?

JAMES: 10K.

-Come on, then, let's get this
thing finished. -Let's do it.

JAMES: Yeah.

-It hasn't been easy, has it?
-It really hasn't.

-God, no.
-It really hasn't. I mean...

I'm just staggered that we
haven't k*lled ourselves,

or each other, actually.

Because while Mongolia
has just been...

...a constant source
of wonderment,

the actual business of
getting across it

has been by far and away

the most difficult,
gruelling,

arduous journey...
we've ever done.

Look!

JAMES: I would say we've
got hundreds of components.

They haven't sent any beer,
or gin or wine,

or alcohol of any sort.

-(THUDDING)
-Oh!

RICHARD: God above!
JAMES: Let it end!

-(ENGINE REVVING)
JAMES: That's what I meant.

-(SQUELCHING)
-Oh, May!

I've lost my shoes!

-I can save this.
JEREMY: He's rolled it.

Brrr-brrr-brrr.

RICHARD: Oh.

Oh-ho, whoa! It's all
the way up to my arse!

Aargh! (BLEEP)
Current's got me.

(BLEEP) hell.

(ENGINE REVVING, CLANKING)

Aargh!

JEREMY: Fact is, though,

we couldn't have done
any of that without John.

No. He's been incredible.

There's something else,
you know.

Even though we built it in the
middle of a field in the dust,

it has been
unutterably reliable.

The only thing
we've had to do to this car

-is change a fuse, which took
about 30 seconds. -Yeah.

But the moral of that is, if
you're going on an expedition

and you're absolutely dependent on
your car for your life...get a John.

Yeah.

Look.

It's... I can't...
I'm so excited.

-And thirsty. Ha-ha!
-Oh, my God.

I've never wanted to arrive
anywhere more than just there.

-Here we go. As we go past the sign,
we're there. -Oh, this is it!

We are arriving,
and we are here!

(CHEERING)

-(LAUGHTER)
-We're in Moron!

-Hello, Moron, we love you!
-Hello, Moron!

-(LAUGHTER) JEREMY: We
have travelled far.

RICHARD: That was a journey!
-Yes, the smoothness.

Oh, this is beautiful.
I like this Tarmac lark.

-Right. We have now completed
Mr Wilman's mission. -Yes.

-We must get on with completing ours.
-Yes, where's the pub?

-Exactly!
-Yes.

Right,
and just another thing.

As we've done Mr Wilman's
mission, this bit's for us.

-James, can I drive this bit?
-No chance.

-Oh, come on.
-No, seriously, Hammond.

No, it's not worth the risk at this late
stage of you putting it on its side.

-What risk? Well, a bit.
-There might be a bend.

-It might say "Finish."
-There won't be a bend.

You've had all the fun, you've
done the exciting bits:

the dunes and the mountains,
and the gullies

-and the deserts, and the forests.
-Yeah, and now the town.

JEREMY: James.
-What?

Seriously,
just to shut him up,

why don't you
just let him have...a go?

-What, really? -Just let him drive.
Pull up here.

-Seriously?
-Yes, honestly.

-All right.
-Please pull up here.

-It's your fault.
-Oh, yes.

JEREMY: Unbelievable.

-Right, now you see some driving.
-There we go.

-Whoa! Pub, pub, pub!
-What?

-Whoa!
-I've only done two feet!

(RATTLING)

-It's shut.
JEREMY: What?

It's shut.

RICHARD: Do you know, it is, as well.
-It is shut.

And on that terrible
disappointment,

it's time to end.

Thank you so much
for watching. Goodbye.