03x14 - Funeral for a Ford

[bunniefuu]

(ENGINE REVVING)

(TRAIN WHISTLE BLASTS)

(CHEERING)

Hello.

-Hello.
-Hello, everybody.

Hello.

(CHEERING AND WHISTLING)

RICHARD: Hello.

Thank you.

And - thank you -
and coming up

in this never-to-be-forgotten
show...

...Richard operates a bat...

...James sits in a car
humming...

(HUMMING)

...and I park
outside a cathedral.

-(CHEERING)
-Thank you so much.

Exciting stuff.

Now, this is...

this is a bit of
a Ford-based show.

Because we were staggered
to hear the other day,

that they're thinking of
pulling the plug

on the Mondeo.

Now this is enormous news.

In Britain, losing the Mondeo
is a bit like...

Well,
losing the Royal Family.

And if that happens, someone would
make a documentary about them.

Quite. Which is why
we decided this week

The Grand Tour
should make a documentary

about the passing of Ford's
medium-sized family saloon.

-It's exciting stuff.
-(LAUGHTER)

The Mondeo story
actually begins way back

when the world
was black and white,

with this -

the Ford Cortina.

This is Genesis,
the first chapter

in easily
the most important book

in British motoring history.

It came along in 1962

and apart from
the CND rear lights,

it was nothing special.

It wasn't revolutionary
like the Mini.

It was just
an ordinary family saloon.

Ford therefore decided
that to put it on the map

they'd mount an as*ault
on the world's racetracks.

Which meant creating
a high-performance version.

The world's first ever
fast Ford.

And this is what
they came up with.

(ROAR OF ENGINE)

Life doesn't get
much better than this.

Cadwell Park, sunny day...

Mark One Lotus Cortina.

This thing is a riot.

(DRONE OF ENGINE)

It had a revolutionary
twin-cam 1.6 litre engine.

(CHUCKLING)
Which sounds like

a m*rder of mad bees.

(ENGINE REVS)

It revved like hell.

All the way to 8,000 RPM.

And produced 105 horsepower.

Ha-ha, ha-ha!

Oh, wow!

The result was some
spectacular performance.

The road cars
would do 108 mph.

And in race trim
that sh*t up to 145.

That was the stuff of
spaceships back then.

And best of all...

if you were really on it,

it would lift the front wheel
in the corners.

(TYRES SCREECH)

On the downside
it didn't stop properly...

...and there was
very little grip.

So it was
an over-steer mentalist.

It was also
astonishingly brittle.

Autocar magazine
ran one for a year.

29,000 miles.

And in that time,
it needed six rear axles

and three sets
of rear suspension.

And probably a whole load of
new half-shafts as well,

because they were made
from chocolate.

But it didn't matter.

Because the Lotus Cortina wasn't
designed to last a lifetime.

It was designed
to last about 40 minutes.

Because that is
how long a race lasted.

Back in the early '60s,
saloon-car racing in Britain

was just about the most
exciting motor sport

the world had ever seen.

The massive American Fords
would roar down the straights

and then in the corners
the army of Minis

would be right back at them.

It was beautiful,
snarling chaos.

(CRASHING)

But when the dust settled,
it was the Lotus Cortina

that was doing the winning.

-It actually won the Championship
in 1964... -(APPLAUSE)

...and it didn't only shine
on the tracks.

In 1966, it won the RAC
Rally of Britain.

They even drove one down the
bobsleigh run in the Italian resort

after which the Cortina
had been named.

REPORTER: Here's what the
famed bobsled run looks like

from the driver's seat of
the world-famous Cortina.

JEREMY: At this point in
history, rationing had only just

given way to
The Rolling Stones.

-(SCREAMING)
-Hemlines were going up

and all kinds of groovy stuff
was going down.

And the glamorous Cortina

caught the mood
of the moment perfectly.

It was exciting.
The first car ever that made

the ordinary family man
feel special.

Like he wasn't just
a downtrodden cog.

And it was the same story
with the Mark II Cortina.

And the Mark III.

(CAMERA SHUTTER CLICKS)

The result was spectacular.

One car in every three
sold in the UK was a Ford.

And one in ten was a Cortina.

Everyone I've spoken to while I've been
preparing this film has said the same thing.

"Oh, yeah, my dad
used to have one of those."

I mean, on the crew here,
whose dad had a Cortina?

Ha! Look at that.
It's everyone.

Apart from the director, obviously,
who has a double-barrelled name,

so his dad had a Range Rover.
But anyway...

the point is, these were
the best-selling cars

Britain had ever seen...
by miles.

(ROCK INSTRUMENTAL)

Of course it wasn't all
rampant sexism

and hilarious handling that Ford used
to make a name for its family saloon.

There was some important
business stuff too.

(TICKING)

Back in late-1960s Britain,
if you earned £3,000 a year

the government would take
41% of it away in tax.

So, to get round this
problem, a lot of companies

paid their staff a bit less,

but then to make up
the difference

they gave them...a car.

And that...

wasn't subject
to any tax at all.

JEREMY:
Ford cottoned on to that.

And came up with
a variety of trim levels

to suit the typical
management structure.

There was a base model
for the sales rep.

And the L
for the sales manager.

Then you had the XL with a clock
and a locking glove compartment

for the sales director.

And the powerful GT
for the managing director.

Ford's badging policy quite literally
changed the class system in Britain.

Because we used to judge people on
how they held their Kn*fe and fork,

or whether they said
toilet or lavatory.

But after
the Cortina came along,

it was all based on what
it said on your boot lid.

Our dads understood
what these badges meant.

And boy, oh, boy, so did we.

♪ HOVIS THEME TUNE

You join me in Doncaster
outside my old school.

And I remember very clearly

coming out of that door
one afternoon in 1969,

skipping along here, coming
round this gatepost here,

and I noticed
that parked over there

was a 1600E - an E -
in amber gold.

Just like that one.

And in it...was my dad.

And that was impossible.

The E was the absolute
king of the hill.

It had four dials
set into its wooden dash.

It had a leather and
aluminium steering wheel.

And on the outside
there were Rostyle wheels

and front fog lamps.

It was beautiful and wondrous

and exciting beyond words.

(FLASHBULB POPS)

I can still remember now,
vividly, how I felt.

My knees actually buckled.

I mean...

The hairs on the back of
my neck are rising now

in exactly the same way as they did
on that autumn day 50 years ago.

I can also remember the enormity
of the hug I gave my dad,

cos I was just
so proud of him.

I mean, he had an E!
An E stood for Executive.

My dad had a 1600E.

I mean, that meant he was better
than the Duke of Edinburgh.

(CHORAL SINGING)

A few years later
in South Wales,

another young boy
called James May

went through
the exact same thing.

I was at my mate Andrew Jones's
house, just up the road from ours,

when his dad came in
and said that my dad

had just arrived home
and he had a new car.

So, I went outside...

and there
parked next to the kerb,

was a brand-new Cortina GXL.

And I thought, "Well, that
can't be my dad's new car."

But it was.

This was the all-new
Mark III Cortina.

And, because it was
the GXL model,

it had chrome strips
on the grille,

and a vinyl roof.

And four auxiliary dials that
were angled towards the driver.

It also had something
called a rev counter,

and I'd never seen
one of those before.

But when I looked at it,

I suddenly became aware that
my body could produce semen.

Unfortunately,
not all children in Britain

were as fortunate
as James and me.

Because some of them
were born in Birmingham.

And you couldn't really
have a Ford here

because this was the home
of British Leyland.

RICHARD: I grew up here
on this street.

And I remember the day my dad
came home with our new car.

I prayed it would be
a Cortina. Literally prayed.

But it wasn't.

(DRAMATIC MUSIC)

What it was...
was a shoulder-sagging

bag of disappointment

called the
Austin Allegro Estate.

It doesn't even have
four doors.

What was my father thinking?

Why did he do that to us?

I fell to my childish knees,

threw my head back
and I howled at the sky.

Birds across Birmingham
took off.

Deer in Stratford-upon-Avon
looked up.

Such was my horror.

This was the summit.
This was it!

This is the best that we,
the Hammonds, could do.

We lived in suburbia. People
drive past all the time.

They see your car. They judge you
if have a wishing well or a gate.

We had this! On our drive!

Where people could see it.

Because my dad had the GXL

he got the brake servo and
the alternator as standard.

I'm sorry to keep banging on
about this GXL thing,

but my mate Lonnie,
his dad only had an XL.

So he was scum.

I walked home from school.

That wasn't cos
I wanted the exercise.

That's because I would rather
walk or hop or crawl 30 miles

than be seen
getting into that.

It's cars like this,

it's secrets,
dark secrets like this

lurking in people's pasts

that creates serial K*llers
and psychopaths.

It's a bloody miracle
I'm not one.

It's not being short that
makes me an angry man,

or being born in Birmingham,
it's this! It's you!

-(SMASHING)
-I could have been great,

I could have had dignity,
social standing.

I could have mattered.
But you came into my life...

My dad bought
a Mark III Cortina

because he had three children

and he wanted them
to be safe.

And he knew
they would be safe,

because Ford had
made a film telling him so.

We've got the teddy bears in,
we've got the golf clubs.

-(CHILD CRYING)
-We've got the racing car.

And if you don't happen
to carry those things

but you have a bigger family,

you can pack
those in as well.

Even with five children
in the back,

you can drive in a more
or less relaxed fashion,

safe in the knowledge that they're
kept in the four-door Cortina

with child-proof
safety locks.

I've never driven one
of these before,

and to be honest,
I never wanted to,

because that really would be
meeting a childhood hero.

I love it, though. It's...

(CRIES OUT) You can see
even better now, can't you?

What about this one?
That's it.

(INSECTS CHIRRUPING)

(OWL HOOTS)

Back in 1974, we used to have
regular power cuts

because of
the miners' strike,

and there was
absolutely nothing to do

in our completely
pitch-black house.

So I used to go outside
and sit in my dad's car

and just pretend to drive it,
which was brilliant.

Not least because
you could turn the light on,

which you couldn't do
in the house.

(HUMS)

Lights. (HUMS)

(CONTINUES HUMMING)

Oh, I used to love
the power cuts.

Outside of Birmingham, then,

everyone young and old
was in love

with Ford's four-door saloon.

Because of this love affair,

Ford sold a Cortina somewhere
in Britain every 47 seconds.

In 20 years, they sold
2.6 million of them.

And let me put it this way:

British Leyland took
twice as long as that

to sell half as many Minis.

(UPLIFTING CLASSICAL MUSIC)

The Cortina then had become a
part of the fabric of Britain.

It was the nitrogen
of our existence.

But, on 22nd July 1982...

...Ford pulled the plug.

(MUSIC DISTORTS AND SLOWS)

And that was the end of that.

(CHEERING)

-Sad story of the Cortina.
-Yeah, it is.

-But it's a great story.
-It goes on.

-Yeah.
-Do you feel better?

-Um...yeah. A bit.
-That's good.

I just want to do...
I just want to do one thing.

Can I just ask, how many
people's dads here had Cortinas?

This is... Look at that.
JAMES: Yeah.

That's an astonishing array,
isn't it?

-Amazing. (CHUCKLES)
-Yes, it is.

It makes me feel really... Just
to put some perspective on this.

-Ford sold 2.6 million Cortinas.
-Hm.

Austin... (CLEARS THROAT)

-...sold 57,000 Allegro Estates.
That's it. -(LAUGHTER)

-It's a shame one of them was to your dad.
-You're damn right!

It ruined my life.

Anyway, we shall pick up
the Ford story later on.

But now it is time
for us to deploy

the plastic bag of chat,

to scoop up
some dog eggs of debate...

-(LAUGHTER) -...from the pavements
of Conversation Street.

(MELLOW JAZZ
SEGUES INTO TECHNO)

(BURST OF SAXOPHONE)

(CHEERING)

JEREMY: Wow.
-I don't know. I don't know.

-Whatever it was.
JAMES: Er...

Now actually, despite the incredible
snazziness of those graphics,

we don't actually have time

-for traditional Conversation
Street this week. -No.

Because we are engaged,
as we said,

-in important documentary-making work.
-We are.

Which is why
I would like to talk about

-body-coloured bumpers.
-Ooh!

-I think you should. -Yes, I
will, because in the old days,

if you were driving up the motorway
and a car came up behind you,

and they had bumpers
the same colour as the car,

and you only had
black plastic bumpers,

you knew you had
to get out of the way.

-You did.
-They were better than you.

Yeah, they were better
than you because of that.

What if you were
driving up the motorway,

looked in the rear-view
mirror, OK,

and you saw the car behind
had head restraints?

(BOTH GASP)

Honestly, head restraints,

I used to look at those
in the way people these days

look at superyachts.

They were simply unattainable.
I mean, you could not...

These were
the symbols of rank.

-I mean, if you had a sun roof...
JEREMY: Oh!

...you were an emperor.

(LAUGHTER)

What if...it was
an electric sun roof?

Oh, my God!

You were probably from space,
you were a space emperor!

Let me see if I can explain
this in a language

people under 40
understand, OK?

It's the same
as going for a job, OK,

and your boss saying, "We're
gonna give you a pay cut,

but we're gonna give you
a phone, OK?

And this phone
you can use to make calls,

and then if you work really
hard for a couple of years,

we'll give you
an iPhone L,

and you can use that
to make texts as well.

And then if you stay
with us for 30 years,

and you never put
a foot wrong,

you can have an iPhone GXL."

Because that's what... I mean, I
have no idea which one this is.

-No, is it a 7, an 8, a 9? I don't know.
-No, you don't know.

But the thing is, under 1970s
rules, you would have known,

because that would have had a
great big chrome GXL badge on.

And a chrome strip round the
outside and fog lights here.

-Yeah, exactly, so you would know.
-They were the badges of rank

and everybody could see them.
That was the world we lived in.

My dad, right,
when he had the 1600E,

he had a minor front-end
biff in it, yes?

The local Ford garage replaced the damaged
grille with one from a 1600 Super.

And my dad said,
"Oh, it doesn't matter."

But it did! It was more
important than the Vietnam w*r!

-I mean, it... -You were being...
being publicly humiliated.

People were going, "You haven't got a
1600E, there's chrome..." It is a 1600E!

"You just put fog lights
on." We haven't!

-We've really got one! -These
things mattered so much.

-Oh, they really did.
-Didn't... You had a 1600E?

Oh, we did. No, ten years after
my dad sold his, I bought one.

-Well done, that was imaginative.
-It was...

Says the man
whose first car was?

-Toyota Corolla?
-It was a Liftback, actually.

Yeah, but my 1600E,
I modified it, and put...

I put a Debbie Harry badge in the
middle of the steering wheel.

-(LAUGHTER)
-Fur-lined doors...

-Ooh!
-Wolfrace seats...

And a chromed sports air
filter, which I told me mates,

"That gives extra 40 horsepower,
that does." It didn't. Not really.

-But I told my mates it did. -Do
you know what you did there?

-What?
-By fitting those extra bits

like the sports air filter
onto your car,

you were effectively calling
yourself Jeremy Clarkson OBE

-when you didn't have one.
-It is a bit like that.

With those fur-lined doors you had
interfered with the class system.

Mm, mm. But let's not forget,
shall we,

you modified your Corolla
by driving it into a Volvo.

-Yeah, I did.
-(LAUGHTER)

I did do that,
it was my first crash.

-The first of many.
-Yes, all right. Yes.

-Rather set the trend for your life,
didn't it? -I got the hang of it.

-Yes. Yes, OK. -"I like crashing,
I'll make a living out of this.

-There I go again."
-And I did.

(LAUGHTER)

JEREMY: Exactly.

Oh, God.

Do you know, I've... I've
never actually owned a Ford.

-What, never?
-No.

That's like saying you've
never owned your own pen.

I've never bought a stamp.

-I mean, even I have managed
to own a Ford. -Really?

After I left Birmingham,
I moved on, and I had two.

But sort of in the same car.

The front... front of one and
the back of the other joined.

-It was absolutely hopeless.
-Were they the same colour?

Well, when I bought them, broadly
similar, yes, they were.

Look, this is, it's not really
Conversation Street, is it?

-No.
-It's more Memory Lane.

Anyway, we now have
to get back to the Cortina.

Yes, we do, because when
it was k*lled off in 1982,

Ford didn't give up on the idea
of a multi-million-selling

medium-sized family saloon,

they came up
with a replacement.

It was called the Sierra.

Here is a picture of it.
And, to begin with,

-it was a bit of a lemon, wasn't it?
-It was.

When it came out,
everybody said they hated

its kind of futuristic,
aerodynamic shape.

They said it looked horrid,
like a jelly mould.

And then everybody worked out

the aerodynamics
didn't even work.

No, it turned out in a
straight line it was fine,

but when it got hit
by a crosswind,

or would overtake a truck
on the motorway,

it would veer about
like a drunk.

Yeah, another problem
was the motor trade hated it

because that plastic front
end, if you had a crash,

it would boing back into
shape, which was brilliant.

But you didn't know that everything
behind it was actually smashed to pieces.

Now, Ford decided
there was only one way

to get everybody to fall in love with
its new mid-sized family saloon.

It was something
they'd done before.

Make a fast version.

RICHARD: What they
came up with was this...

...the Sierra RS Cosworth.

A car that could do
150 miles an hour.

(ENGINE REVS)

(TYRES SCREECHING)

It was 1986. Lots of cars
could do 150, but not a Ford.

That was madness. BMW and
Mercedes could not believe it.

This was the gardener coming into the
parlour and kicking the baron's teeth out.

The blue-bloods were being
absolutely battered by this -

the blue-collar worker.

(ENGINE REVS)

The Sierra's muscle
came from Cosworth.

The British engine builder

whose most famous
Formula One V8

had taken a staggering
176 Grand Prix victories.

They took a drab,
cast-iron saloon car engine

and fitted it with an
aluminium twin-cam head,

a turbo
the size of a dustbin,

and turned it
into a masterpiece.

It was built to be
a hard-working unit, this.

As you can tell.

The interesting thing about this
engine, is if you look carefully

you can see there's
a second set of injectors

that weren't actually
connected to anything.

They were installed because
Ford knew they'd be necessary

when they did what they always
did with their family cars...

go racing with them.

With those injectors engaged,
and bigger turbos fitted,

the race cars were churning
out a massive 525 horsepower.

They were unstoppable.

COMMENTATOR:
The Ford Sierra Cosworth,

the top touring car
of the day.

RICHARD: In its day,
the Sierra won 84%

of races it entered.

84%.

And that makes it the most
successful racing car ever made.

I'd love to meet a driver who
raced one and didn't win.

"Right, so I had absolutely
the best tool for the job,

and everyone else
has won with it except me.

I'm fired, aren't I?"

To keep the
road-going rocket ship

pointing mostly
in the right direction,

it got beefed-up suspension,
a limited slip diff,

and its most
famous feature...

...that massive back wing.

And that wing says everything
about the Cosworth.

Compared with grown-up things
from Mercedes and BMW,

it said, "Ah, sod off!

I don't care
what you think about me."

(TYRES SCREECH)

But it was also there
for a reason,

to make actual downforce.

Which, according
to men called Gav

in every flat-roof pub
in the country,

meant the Sierra
could drive upside-down

on the roof of a tunnel.

I'm not sure about that.

This thing
is still pretty lively.

(TYRES SCREECHING)

Ha-ha, ha-ha!

It brings out
the worst in you.

This is like
a really bad mate.

You know,
the one you absolutely love

but nobody appreciates you
hanging around with him.

Cosworth turned the Sierra into one of
the most desirable cars on the planet.

And because
it only cost 17 grand,

six grand less
than a BMW M3,

your local builder
could have one.

(ENGINE REVS)

However, while everyone wanted
Ford's latest working-class hero,

not everyone was
prepared to pay for it.

-Joy riders...
-Joy riders...

Joy riders in a stolen
Sierra Cosworth...

...driving around a
Newcastle housing estate...

The high-performance vehicle
is the twoccer's favourite.

(SMASHING)

(POLICE SIREN WAILS)

In the late '80s,

car crime saw
a massive spike.

And the Cosworth
was at its tip.

(WINDSCREEN WIPER SQUEAKING)

Here was a car with the
performance of a supercar

and the locks of a shed.

If you had five seconds
and a screwdriver,

you too could have
a Sierra Cosworth.

And whatever you did next,
the fuzz couldn't catch you.

Ford tried to get
on top of things,

by stripping off the wing,

and putting
the firecracker engine

into a sober,
four-door shell...

...to make this the Sierra
Sapphire Cosworth.

But it didn't work.

(SOUNDTRACK MUSIC
GRINDS TO A HALT)

If anything,
the crims were grateful.

"Oh, thanks, back doors.

Makes it easier for the lads
to get in after a bank job."

But ultimately... What?

Oh, for God's sake!

Things got so bad
by the early '90s

that the Sierra Cosworth was five-and-half
times more likely to be stolen

than any other car.

There were many owners who reported
being followed by criminals,

waiting for them to park
so they could nick it.

That would take the edge off the
pleasure of owning it, if I'm honest.

Ford got so desperate,

they dropped the price
of the Cosworth by £7,000 -

the value of
an entire Fiesta -

just to shift the things.

And even that didn't work.

There were numerous reports at
the time of Cosworth owners

receiving insurance quotes that were
more than the value of the car.

And eventually,
insuring a Sierra Cosworth

became not just expensive
but impossible.

They were uninsurable.

But by then,
it didn't matter.

The Sierra Cosworth
had done its job,

just as the Lotus Cortina
had done 25 years earlier,

by making an ordinary family
saloon seem impossibly cool.

(TYRES SCREECHING)

Honestly,
I was flipping drooling.

-It's a legend of a car.
-Absolute legend.

I was drooling, watching.

I absolutely loved...

I adored the Sierra Cosworth.

-It was brilliant.
-Fabulous.

Absolutely fabulous, but I need to
do a bit more documentary work.

-I think you should. -The Cosworth
wasn't the most important thing

about the Sierra.
The most important thing was,

the Sierra changed
the Labour Party.

-Really?
-It genuinely did.

A young Tony Blair
was out canvassing one day,

saw a man washing
his Sierra on the drive,

sort of went up to him.

The Labour Party policy
back then, as now, actually,

was to get the man out of his car and
back where he belonged on a bus.

-Yes. -Tony Blair realised this
guy didn't want to go on a bus.

He wanted a better Sierra, faster
Sierra, Sierra with headrests.

So he went away and
he created New Labour

as a result
of that conversation.

And then started
an illegal w*r.

(LAUGHTER)

Well, he did.

Well...

-Well, he did.
-(APPLAUSE)

JEREMY: He did. He did.

(CHUCKLING)

He did do those... He did do
those two things, yes.

Should we get
back to the car?

Good idea, because we must
now find out how fast...

Let's see if I can still
pronounce it properly.

-...the Cozzer...
-Yeah, you've still got it.

The Cozzer. You know
what I mean? The Cozzer.

Let's see how fast it goes
round the Eboladrome.

And away it goes,
gentle off the line,

but then a scuff of wheel spin
as the turbo roars into life

and catapults it
onto the Isn't.

The 1980s gear change
workout there,

and a lot of body roll
on those soft '80s springs.

Ooh, look at that!

Driving it like it's stolen,

which 30 years ago,
it would have been.

Here we go, ooh, yeah, bit of
oversteer into Your Name Here.

You don't see that
from the modern stuff.

And now the turbo lag clears

as it fires back down
the Isn't.

This won't be the fastest car
we've ever seen,

but I can bet you Abbie is having
an absolute riot in there.

OK, hard braking
for Old Lady's House,

wrestling it in,
keeping it neat

through the right,
and then the left.

And now back on the power
for the blast to Substation.

Engine note that screams,
"Oi, Gary!"

That's it, braking, flicks it
in like a touring car driver.

Only Field of Sheep left.

Not much drama there,
and across the line!

That looks great,
looks really exciting.

I was really expecting
the full crossed up...

No, but that...it does that
four-wheel drift thing,

same as the Lotus Cortina,
wah!

-It's what they do.
-Anyway, let's see now

how quickly Abbie got it
round the Eboladrome.

Let's find out the time -
oh, quicker than I thought.

Oh-ho!

-(JAMES LAUGHS)
JEREMY: What?

Well, it's faster
than a Lamborghini.

(LAUGHTER)

I told you
that thing was slow,

it's actually
slower than a Ford Sierra.

But the interesting thing
for me there

is it's quicker than
a Ford Fiesta ST200,

and they both have the same
power, about 200 horsepower.

They did, yeah. I think
what that goes to show is,

despite all the improvements
in suspension and tyres,

you can't b*at fitting something
with a sodding great turbo.

-Exactly. -A massive
turbo does the job.

Anyway, can I get back
to our documentary, yes?

In 1993, Ford stopped
making the Sierra

and decided instead
to export the idea

that had revolutionised
Britain to the whole world.

What they came up with was
something they called a World Car.

Something not just
for everyone here,

but for everyone everywhere.

They called it the Mondeo.

And it achieved something that no
car in history has ever managed.

Over the years, Richard,
James and I have driven

almost every car ever made.

We've waxed lyrical
about many of them...

...drooling over
their styling...

...or their handling...

...or the way they make the
roots of our penises fizz.

But incredibly, there is only
one car that we all like.

This one -

the Mondeo ST Estate.

Let's be clear, there are lots
of cars we all don't like.

-Yeah, yes.
-Nissan Juke.

Hate it. The Beetle.

Good one on the Beetle,
we all hate that.

-Nissan "Quashquai".
-Yeah, that's a good one.

Audi Q5.

-No, don't like that.
-All hate that.

-And the Q7. -And the Q7.
We all hate that.

-Jaguar X-Type.
-Yeah, we all hate that.

The new Land Rover Discovery.

-Yes.
-Yeah.

BMW X3.

-Yep, yeah.
-Yes.

-Mini Countryman.
-Oh, yeah, yeah!

We all hate that.

So, we've established there are
many, many cars we all don't like.

But cars we do like?

-There's this.
-There's this.

RICHARD: What about
the Subaru Legacy Outback?

But the front diff's rubbish.

You can't go round a corner
when you're going slowly.

-So it's a bit annoying.
-So it is just this?

JEREMY: Yeah.
JAMES: This is it.

Do you know what I liked? It's the fast
version, but it was still comfortable.

These seats were great.
It still rides properly.

It doesn't make a terrible
racket, it's just civilised.

RICHARD: I like the way
it was a practical estate.

It had a massive boot, and Ford had
the sense to give it five doors.

Which is something Austin didn't
think of with the Allegro.

No, that is true.
I like the speed.

Oh, there's a surprise.

(ENGINE REVVING)

V6 engine, 200 horsepower.

0-60, seven seconds.
Top speed, 150.

It didn't look it, but this
was as quick as a Cosworth.

And when they turned it
into the ST220 in 2002,

it looked right as well.

They should have sold these
by the million.

But there was a problem.

(SOUNDTRACK STOPS ABRUPTLY)

This.

The first so-called MPV,
the Toyota Picnic.

In 1996 when it was first
introduced, we laughed at it,

because it seemed so stupid.

I mean, why name a car after something
you might do in it? Picnic.

No, they didn't have
a Toyota Dentist, did they?

The Honda Pop-to-the-Shops. It's just an
ordinary act, it's not even exciting.

The Volkswagen Dogging.

-(CHUCKLING)
-It's just a stupid idea.

A naff thing to do.

It cost the same as a Mondeo,
it was just a bit taller.

Yeah. It's in case your head
suddenly grows tall.

Was there a fashion
for wearing

Victorian industrialist hats
at the time?

-No, there wasn't. -Well,
there's no excuse for it, then.

Unless you've actually
got a Busby

glued to the top
of your head...

RICHARD:
There is no other reason.

And what troubles me,

is think of the damage
this did to children.

"Come out and see
the new car, kids!"

(SQUEALS)

-(LAUGHS) It's just a Picnic!
-"That...

That's our car.

It's hateful!"

It's dismal.

"It's got big windows so
people will see me in it."

JAMES: It actually says,
"Family fun vehicle" on it.

JEREMY: It doesn't?
What's fun about it?

RICHARD: It isn't more fun.

We thought, when it first came
along, that it would be a fad,

like culottes,
or deep fried brie,

or Crocs, or tattoos.

Something where you think,
"Oh, that's fun,"

and then realise five minutes later
that it's actually ridiculous.

But, no.

This idiotic tall car idea

actually started to catch on.

Renault came up
with their version,

which was called
the Scenic.

And pretty soon,
everyone was at it -

Mazda, Fiat,
Vauxhall, the lot!

RICHARD: Think what
you started, you bastard.

You deserve this,
and you're having it.

And you're having more of it.

A new car is a great thing,
but not when it's you!

Oh, you've got a mirror left.

Think how many lives
you ruined.

You are the Allegro Estate
of modern times,

and you deserve this.

To make matters worse
for Ford,

in 2000, the British Government
decided that company cars

should be taxed,
like income.

Yeah, that meant people
had to buy their own cars.

And many responded
by not buying a car at all.

As interest rates
were so low,

it made more sense
to lease.

And if you're gonna do that,
why not get a BMW?

Or a Mercedes?

As the rot
started to take hold,

Ford reverted to type and got
serious about motor racing.

In 2000, they came first,
second and third

in the British Touring Car
Championship.

COMMENTATOR: All three Fords were on the
front row again for the sprint race...

JEREMY: And the following year,
Mondeo sales did go up a bit.

COMMENTATOR:
Ford drivers clocking ...

JEREMY: But then,
they stopped motor racing.

And the MPVs kept coming, and
leasing a Mercedes got cheaper,

and the effect on Ford
was astonishing.

In 1994, they sold
127,000 Mondeos in Britain.

In 2017,
that was down to 12,000.

And 85% of those
12,000 were fleet sales,

hire car companies
and the police.

And that means only
1900 Mondeos

were sold to private buyers.

-Yeah, people that actually went
and bought one. -Yeah, 1900.

And, if you think about it,

Ford has 500 dealers
in Britain, yeah?

-Yeah. -Each of those will
have taken two Mondeos a year?

Oh, God, yeah, as demonstrators.
Yes, they would have done.

-So really, we are...
-900, you're talking about.

900 people actually said, "I'll
buy one of those with my money."

Yeah, 900 people.

When they used to sell
127,000 of them a year.

-That's an astonishing fact.
-I know.

In America, things are so bad the Mondeo
will be pulled from the showrooms this year.

And it's predicted
that soon after that,

it'll go from the rest
of the world as well.

And when that happens,

Britain will have lost
much more than just a car.

The Mondeo was never fancy
or spectacular,

it never won Le Mans, it was
never awarded a Nobel Prize,

it didn't write
The Grapes Of Wrath.

It was just your mate,

someone you enjoyed
going to the pub with.

And here's the thing.

When someone fancy
or spectacular like, say,

Mick Jagger dies,
it'll be sad.

But when your mate dies,
that is heart-breaking.

(FUNEREAL MUSIC)

So, to give this car
the send-off it deserves...

...we've booked
Lincoln Cathedral.

And invited some
like-minded souls

to mark the moment
of its passing.

This'll be a funeral
for a friend.

A few people
have turned up already.

Look at that.

JEREMY: Big, isn't it?
RICHARD: Very.

Tallest building in the world
for 250 years, this.

How many people do you think
are gonna turn up?

Well, it is
a Tuesday afternoon.

Well, we might get 50.

No, I think it could be 100.

-100 would be nice, wouldn't it?
-Yeah.

JEREMY: In fact, it was
rather more than 100.

So many people came,

that the traffic in Lincoln
ground to a halt.

(HORN BLARES)

(HORNS BLARING)

And we had to begin the service
before they'd all arrived.

(ORGAN PLAYS)

Ford, Ford.

(RICHARD CLEARS THROAT)

♪ Dear Lord
and Father Of Mankind ♪

♪ Dear Ford and Father
of mankind ♪

♪ Forgive our foolish ways ♪

♪ Reclothe us
in our rightful mind ♪

♪ In purer lives
Thy service find ♪

♪ In deeper reverence praise ♪

♪ In deeper reverence,
praise ♪

♪ Drop Thy still dews
of quietness ♪

♪ Till all our
strivings cease ♪

♪ Take from our souls
the strain and stress ♪

♪ And let our ordered
lives confess ♪

♪ The beauty of Thy peace ♪

♪ The beauty
of Thy peace ♪

♪ Breathe through
the heats of our desire ♪

♪ They coolness and Thy balm ♪

♪ Let sense be dumb,
let flesh retire ♪

♪ Speak through the earthquake,
wind, and fire ♪

♪ O still, small voice
of calm ♪

♪ O still,
small voice of calm ♪

(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)

Yep.

It is very sad.

It is, um...

It's very sad, and it's not the
only British motoring institution

that's coming to an end.

We are.

AUDIENCE: Aww.

This is not just
the last in the series.

I mean...sorry, the show as you
know it is actually ending,

with you know, the track,
audience, us three,

and bad... really badly
fitting jackets every week.

(LAUGHTER)

This is the last one.

It is. It is.

It's sad but we have been doing
it together for 17 years.

16.

-OK, that's...you were late.
-Sorry.

-(LAUGHTER)
-Yeah, he was.

Nevertheless, we do feel the
time has come to move on.

-Yeah.
AUDIENCE: Aww.

WOMAN: Boo!

The problem for us is
we can't...

We can't make an announcement
as momentous as that

and then just walk out
of the tent, can we?

No, we can't. So we've uh...

We've actually put together a
montage of some of the things

we've done not just at Amazon but also
with our previous employers at the BBC.

Here it is.

This is gonna take forever.

♪ DEREK AND THE DOMINOES:
Layla

Oh...(BLEEP) Here we go.
Agh!

(LAUGHTER)

♪ What'll you do
when you get lonely? ♪

Oh, my God.

Its carrot's come out.

Power! Power, come on!

You have to let...

Watch this.

Oh, yeah!

♪ Layla ♪

-Let's go!
-Go on!

♪ You've got me on my knees ♪

♪ Layla ♪

(LAUGHTER)

♪ Layla ♪

Holy sh*t.

We are in fact at the cutting
edge of cocking about.

♪ I tried to give you
consolation ♪

Am I dead?

I can't believe
I'm looking in...whoa!

♪ Like a fool,
I fell in love with you ♪

This could go so wrong.

♪ Layla ♪

RICHARD: I've crashed!

Now I know what it's like
to be Richard Hammond.

It's looking good.

(LAUGHTER)

JEREMY: Oh, my God!

(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)

♪ Please don't say
I'll never find a way ♪

(AUDIENCE GASPS)

The fact is...

♪ You've got me on my knees,
Layla ♪

Ooh, sh*t! Sorry.

What are you two wearing?

♪ Darling, won't you ease
my worried mind? ♪

RICHARD: You bastards!

(LAUGHTER)

Oh, no!

Agh!

(CHANTING)
USA! USA! USA!

Very scared.

(ENGINE SPLUTTERS)

See you there.

(LAUGHTER)

(GASPS)

Aagh!

(LAUGHTER)

Bollocks.

Whoa!

Agh!

(GASPS)

-Ho-ho-ho!
-We have travelled far!

Is that all right?

(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)

Thank you.

Thank you, and honestly.

Tell you what, though, we
haven't half had some laughs.

-We have.
-(LAUGHTER)

-It was brilliant, wasn't it?
-Yeah, it's all just brilliant.

I'm just going back in my head,
there's the cow on the Camaro...

-Yeah.
-The indestructible Toyota...

-Yeah.
-Oliver.

Beach buggies across
the dunes, that was...

Driving down - it was in there -
driving down the ski slope in Col...

That was one of the best
things I've ever done.

My horse mating with
your horse whilst we were...

I didn't like that so much,
no.

-Him falling off his horse.
-Yes.

-Him falling off his motorcycle.
-A lot, yeah.

And the great thing was, in all of
the years we've worked together,

every single time um...
one of us fell over,

there was never any sympathy.

-(LAUGHTER) -You'd burst
into laughter straight away,

"Ha-ha! He's hurt himself!"

A whole 17 years of
your mates not giving a sh*t.

(LAUGHTER)

Well, anyone out there
got fond memories?

MAN: James falling over
and hitting his head.

James hitting his head in
Syria, that was hilarious.

-(LAUGHTER)
-At least I can't remember.

MAN: Caravans.
-What?

-Caravans.
-Just caravans, generally.

Endlessly caravans, no,
the disintegrating cow...

-It just goes...
MAN: Spitfire!

-Spitfires was good. -Sitting in
a Spitfire looking at your mates

also in Spitfires was just...

(AUDIENCE CALLS OUT
SUGGESTIONS)

MAN: Vietnam.
-Oh, yeah.

God, I hated Vietnam.

-(LAUGHTER)
JAMES: I liked it.

I mean, I liked Vietnam, I just
didn't like being on a motorcycle.

MAN: Italian supercar.

Well, we've done Italian super cars.
There isn't an...

-I liked when we did the cheap ones.
-Oh, the cheap ones?

I blew the Maserati's big end right through
the windscreen of your Lamborghini.

You literally threw
an engine at me.

Yeah, I did literally throw
an engine at his head.

MAN: It's all been epic.
MAN 2: Robin Reliant.

-Don't stop.
-What?

-Don't stop. Carry on.
-Please.

(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)

Well, um...

We do have some good news.

We do have some good news,
we're not.

-No.
-(CHEERING)

-We're not stopping. -We can't.
We'd have to get jobs.

Eugh!

No, we're not
actually stopping.

I mean the truth is, Amazon
loves us, we love Amazon.

So we'll carry on a bit,
yeah?

Yeah, we'll stick around.
The thing is, as I said,

the show as you know it is ending,
and that's very upsetting for us.

You know, the audience, and this
sort of thing, and the track.

But, who'd like to see us
doing more big adventures?

(CHEERING)

Road trips. Road trips?

Specials, who wants
some specials, yeah?

Thing is, there is...

-That's uh...
-There is...

Thank you.

There's still so much of the
world we haven't been to yet.

So many people
I haven't insulted.

There are so many cars
he hasn't crashed.

-There's a few. -Exactly. So although
this is gone, The Grand Tour goes on.

-(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)
-It goes on!

It goes on.

We are gonna need
walking sticks and nappies.

-No, we are.
-We are.

So while it's um...
it's not goodbye from us,

it is goodbye from this.

Anyone want to buy a tent?

-(LAUGHTER)
-See you, take care.

-See you soon.
-Thank you.

(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)