04x01 - The Grand Tour Presents: Seamen - Special

[bunniefuu]

(BIRDSONG)

Hello and welcome
to the sweat box...

that is Cambodia.

(HORNS BEEPING)

(ENGINE REVVING)

(TRAIN WHISTLE BLASTS)

Now, there are many ways we could
get across this fascinating country.

We could use horses
or tuk-tuks or tractors.

But Mr Wilman decided we
should meet at this very spot

with three boats.

And that hasn't gone down
very well with my colleagues.

- No.
- There we go.

Because I hate... I'm from
Birmingham, I've explained.

Which is as far as you can
get from the sea in the UK...

- Full of canals!
- We don't do boats.

People from Birmingham
are always saying,

"It's the Venice
of the North,"

like Venetians always say,
"We live in the Birmingham of the South."

Canals are just for
moving coal around.

I don't want
to do that either.

I'm from Birmingham,
I don't ski and I don't do boats. End of.

- I signed up for a car show.
- Yes.

Not cookery, not restoring
frescoes and not boats.

- I don't like boats. You can't trust a boat.
- That's exactly the right word.

You can't trust any vehicle that isn't necessarily
where it was when you last parked it.

Problem No. . They can sink.
Cars can't do that.

- What are the viewers gonna think?
- What?

What if you turned on
Jamie Oliver,

you thought, "I love that
cooking show...

Oh, he's doing some
watercolor painting."

- We did it in lorries...
- Lorries are vehicles. They go on the road.

- We've been on horses.
- Oh, that went well!

Anyway, listen, let's not get
bogged down with your prejudices.

Because the challenge
is actually quite simple.

We are here, yes,
near Siem Reap in the north of Cambodia.

And we've got to use all these
waterways, well, not all of them...

we've got to find a path
through them,

to Vung Tau, which is at the
bottom of the Mekong Delta,

in Vietnam.

There is, however,
one small problem.

RICHARD: As I've said, I'm no
expert on boats and boating.

- But... there's no water.
- JEREMY: No, there isn't.

Is that pontoon thing there, is that
where Mr Wilman thought we should meet?

- JEREMY: Yes, in a field.
- JAMES: He's a half-wit, isn't he?

Anyway, the problem is...

there isn't enough water
in there to drown a witch.

RICHARD: No.

So, why don't we get
some wheels

and go and find some water

and then we'll launch
our boats there?

Right.

JEREMY:
Having found some wheels,

we began our search.

Oh, how the mighty
are fallen.

(RICHARD CHUCKLES)

JAMES: We are in tune
with the times, though.

Exactly right. Exactly right.

There is global warming,
there is climate change.

And if you hosted
a car show now,

I think you'd feel foolish.

- (HORN TOOTS)
- Bloody car, you maniac!

What's up with you,
you lunatic?

- You selfish maniac!
- Hit him! Hit the car!

Mad man!

JEREMY: Several
exhausting miles later,

the river was still
depressingly empty.

The problem we've got is
it's June

and it's supposed to be
raining here, really raining,

pouring down constantly.

And it isn't.
And it hasn't for months.

And when we reached
a fishing village,

the scale of the issue
became clear.

These houses, as you can see,
are on stilts

because that's where
the river should be.

Just stop here. Look.

That's where
the water level is.

JAMES: That's incredibly
gone, isn't it?

JEREMY: And it's not just
climate change that's to blame,

because there's
another problem.

China.
They've dammed the river

that feeds all the water
systems round here.

How much sense
does that make, sitting here,

in your house on stilts
with no water around it,

to learn that the Chinese
have nicked all your water?

A funny world, isn't it?

The really funny thing is,

China builds a coal-fired power
station every minutes or something

and everyone shouts at them,
saying,

"Oh, you're k*lling
the planet."

When they build a clean,
green, hydro-electric dam,

everyone shouts at them, saying, "Now,
look, you're k*lling the planet!"

Well, it'd be nice if they could do it
without nicking somebody else's water.

JEREMY: Eventually, though,
we found a lake.

- Oh, look at that!
- Hello.

But as we launched our boats and
headed for a nearby pontoon...

...the rainy season
arrived...

with a vengeance.

(THUNDER CRASHES)

God above!

Erm... I don't know
how to park a boat.

I'm not gonna lie.

Trying to park.

- (SCRAPING AND CRASHING)
- Ooh! How do I stop it?

Having another attempt.

Wait a minute,
my engines are...

Oh, no, that one.

- (HEAVY THUD)
- Yeah.

I think that went well.

Right.

Stop moving around!

I've parked you!

Well, I was gonna leap
from my boat and say,

"And fresh from
Miami Vice...

a boat."

It's pointy,
which means it's a fast boat.

Oh, I've got my leg caught.

At this point, Jeremy
emerged from the gloom.

And as he's the only qualified
boat driver on the team,

I was expecting
a smoother arrival.

JEREMY: Here we go.

Parking a PBR.

(CRUNCHING AND GRINDING)

- Argh!
- No, no, no!

Oh, brilliant!

It's really windy!
I'm backing in.

Oh, no, that's...

- (HEAVY THUD)
- Totally uncontrollable.

This is better, this angle.

- Argh!
- (HEAVY THUD)

- OK.
- Could you help and get that rope?

Can you pull me along?

Please pull me along!

This is no time
for cocking about!

This is dangerous work
we're doing!

(HEAVY THUD)

I'm glad you got here cos
I think it looks like rain.

(THUNDER CRASHES)

(BLEEP) me!

- Erm...
- What?

Isn't that like the boat out
of Apocalypse Now?

Exactly what it is, PBR -
Patrol Boat, River.

- Mark II.
- Yeah.

Is that entirely tactful?
We're going to Vietnam.

- You can't drive that around!
- You can! Because...

You probably don't know this,
but... Vietnam won.

So driving that
through Vietnam

is like walking through Old Trafford,
which is where Manchester United play,

in a Charlton Athletic shirt.

It doesn't matter,
cos you're a loser.

They don't mind.

You believe that?

Is that...
Is that a Scarab?

RICHARD: Yeah.

Hammond, you have
accidentally chosen

- quite a good boat...
- Have I?

...if you were on the
inter-coastal waterway in Miami.

You see, that's cool.

I've got two V s in that.

- I've got two V s in there.
- How many horsepower?

in total, per engine.

- It's too much.
- What have you got?

a side.
I've got in total.

- .
- Yeah, but that's better.

It's not.

What do you think
May will have?

- Some.
- Probably, with a bit of luck.

JEREMY: Soon, his
late arrival was explained.

He'd come from
the th century.

RICHARD: Look at that!

That's the world's least
appropriate thing!

JEREMY:
What was he thinking of?

How old is that thing?

James? About .

You ready with this rope?

Hang on,
it's going backwards.

Why's it doing that?

He is absolutely hopeless.

(ENGINE REVS)

He's got one knob
and one wheel.

Oh, here he comes.

He's trying a new technique
here.

He's broken his flagpole.

(THUNDER CRASHES)

- James?
- Yes?

That's the most inappropriate
thing I've ever seen.

What do you mean?

Well, it's entirely not
designed for where we are.

It's a river boat.

- We're on a lake.
- It's a pleasure craft.

But we're gonna be on rivers.

And it's only a gentle lake.
It's not stormy or anything.

Really?

- Have you got a big V ?
- No, of course I haven't.

- JEREMY: What is it?
- It's a four-cylinder diesel.

- Power?
- Yes?

(CLEARS THROAT)

horsepower.

- When was your boat built?
- .

- Sorry... it's years old?
- Yes.

- It's ?
- It's older than the Battle of Britain.

RICHARD: So it's an antique.

JAMES: It is an antique, yes.

RICHARD: You're sailing in a sideboard.
JAMES: Pretty much.

- How much was it?
- £ , , inc...

What? You paid for that?

That's chea... That's a Ford Focus.
And it's got a new engine in it.

Is that vulgar-looking thing that
I don't even want to look at yours?

- Yeah.
- How much was that?

- Er, .
- (SPLUTTERS)

- Really?
- JEREMY: That's reasonable.

That's how much boats cost.

- £ , ?
- Yes.

- How much was that?
- What, the PBR?

Mine, how much was it?

- It's, er...(MUMBLES)
- What?

- (MUMBLES)
- How much?

, .

- $ , ?
- , what?

- No, pounds.
- £ , ?

- Yes, it was.
- You spent grand on that?

Mm-hm.

But it's...

Is that because of
its provenance?

No, I had to build it.

- What, it's not real?
- No.

Hold on, hold on.

It's incredibly complicated.

They had to find the original
designs of the original hull,

work out where the engines
went, why it's mid-engined...

It was an immensely complicated
thing to do and I've done it.

And I bought a little bit of
history, at great expense,

back to Southeast Asia.

It's a fake, though.
That's essentially a kit car.

Is it based on the chassis of
a Beetle or a Triumph Herald?

- It's a purpose-made chassis.
- A two-litre Pinto engine. - Yes, exactly.

It's a purpose-made chassis.

And a brand-new engine.

grand on a...

What we've got here...
Can we do some car stuff?

What we've got is a Corvette,
definitely.

That is a Corvette.
Nothing wrong with them.

RICHARD: Big engine,
inexpensive.

JEREMY: Yes,
plastic and inexpensive.

A Mercedes G Wagon,
which it is... and a Rover .

RICHARD: Yeah,
I'll actually go with that.

I've just thought
of something.

I haven't christened my boat.

So I quickly organised
an official ceremony.

May God bless this ship
and all who sail in her.

(CLATTERING)

JAMES: That's what it's like
when the Queen does it.

(RICHARD SNIGGERS)

I've now got a bottle of wine
on my boat,

which is called Du Ma,
by the way.

- Is it?
- Yeah, means "boat machine".

(ENGINE STARTS)

JEREMY: With the christening
ceremony complete

and the rainy season over,

it was time to begin
our epic -mile voyage.

- Thank you.
- Oh, sorry.

We are underway.

The Du Ma is mobile.

I've just noticed Hammond's
boat's called Razzle Dazzle.

That's sophisticated,
isn't it?

JEREMY: The first leg
of our aquatic road trip

involved a sprint
across the Tonlé Sap Lake.

And I'd been looking forward to
unleashing some speed and power.

Sadly, though,
that wasn't possible.

OK, the problem is -
and it is a big one -

despite
that massive rainstorm,

this lake is miles across.

And at this time of year,
it should be five times more than that.

This is not the best camerawork
you've ever seen and I apologise.

But I think it makes
the point.

This road here,

this is the road
that goes round the lake.

But the lake at the moment
is only that big.

It just isn't big enough.

Which means
it isn't deep enough.

And don't worry,
the irony is not lost on me.

The man who hosted a car
programme for years,

limited to seven miles
an hour by global warming.

Is your boat...
How can I put this?

...having a dump?

RICHARD: Is that mud?

Yes, that's mud.
You're grounding out.

I'm basically using
a boat in a field.

This did not happen
in Miami Vice.

RICHARD: Shallowness
wasn't the only problem.

We also had to deal with an underwater
labyrinth of hidden fishing nets.

It doesn't feel good.

(ENGINE SPLUTTERING)

Doesn't sound good.

Turning round.

Oh, he's done...
What's he done, yards?

- What the hell have you done?
- I don't know.

- (HEAVY THUD)
- Oh, you just...

JAMES: Hammond?

What? Everybody stop
crashing into me!

JAMES: Are you stuck?

No, I just thought
I'd stop here!

I've caught a net.

Why don't you just
go and cut it off?

Why isn't this
happening to you?

- JAMES: What?
- Why aren't you catching your props in nets?

JEREMY: I haven't got
any props. It's a PBR!

It's a jet boat.
I've got two jets.

JAMES: Really?

(SIGHS) Right.

JEREMY: Leaving Hammond
to clear his props...

There! That is the problem.

...I sailed onwards
with Rear Admiral Slow.

James May's boat
is the sort of thing

I can imagine they gave to
Prince Charles when he was a boy

to play with in the bath.

My boat, on the other hand,
was designed for fighting.

See, when the American m*llitary
realised in the mid-' s

that they needed
some kind of fast patrol boat

for the shallow rivers
of Southeast Asia,

they went to Hatteras,

which was a very respectable
boat builder in America and said,

"You know that pleasure craft
you make,

the -footer, plastic hull,
Mum and Dad boat?

Could you convert that, move
the engines further forward,

fit it with jets
instead of propellers,

give it a range of miles and
a cruising speed of knots?"

Massive job, really massive.

And Hatteras had it ready
in six days!

Six days!

What they created was epic.

But even so, I had to have
this made because today,

there are no working
PBRs left.

And I find
that extraordinary.

They've saved all the other
memorabilia from the Vietnam w*r -

Hueys and g*ns and
fighter planes and so on,

but nobody thought to say,
"Let's save a PBR."

It's a brilliant bit of
design, it really genuinely is.

Original PBRs had two
Detroit diesel engines,

no electrics,
better with water.

And jets made by...

Jacuzzi.

I kid you not,
they were Jacuzzi jets.

Yes, the jets make it very
difficult to steer at slow speed.

But apart from that, I was able to
cross Cambodia's giant paddling pool

without any issues.

JAMES: Oh, that's not good.

JEREMY: Things, however,
were rather different for my colleagues.

James had snagged
a net too.

Yeah!

Take that, you bastard.

JEREMY: And as Aquaman struggled
to get back on board...

Bollocks!

...the cooling system on Hammond's
pointy Scarab filled with mud.

(RICHARD GROANS)

This is a lot worse than...

nets round the props.

JEREMY: And just after
James had dried off...

he was back under
his boat again,

because his intakes had
also filled up with sludge.

This meant I had to go back
and become a tow truck.

Ready for the dead stop?
You'll like this.

- (ENGINE REVS)
- sh*t.

- (HEAVY THUD)
- Sorry.

JAMES: Clarkson!

JEREMY: Right, I've got you.

James insisted on taking charge
of tying the boats together.

Which meant I was free
to film some scenery.

But eventually
we were tethered,

and set off in search
of Hammond.

- There he is!
- Yep.

Hammond ahoy!

RICHARD:
I (BLEEP) hate boats!

- (AMERICAN ACCENT) Turning on the horn.
- (SIREN BLARES)

RICHARD: International
Crap Rescue is coming.

I wonder how many low-grade
p*rn movies

have been made
on Hammond's boat.

(AMERICAN ACCENT) Hey,
you wanna come out rootin' and tootin'?

Hammond, how much semen
have you found on that boat?

Please, I've tried to block the
thought from my mind. Every...

Honestly, going below is like
climbing into a teenager's sock.

(JEREMY CHUCKLES)

JEREMY: With both broken boats
hitched up to Thunderbird ,

we trundled on, until eventually
we were swamped by the night.

JAMES: Have you got, like,
a m*llitary searchlight on your boat?

Yes, I have.

Oh-hoo-hoo!

Hello!

JEREMY: Many hours later,
having covered only ten miles,

we were feeling
a bit unhappy.

But then...

James, are they lights?

Oh, yeah.

JEREMY: I think that
is the town of Pursat.

It's not completely
the bottom of the lake,

but we should be able
to find a hotel there.

Having parked up...

sh*t!

...we checked into
the town's only guesthouse

and then, absolutely
famished, sat down for dinner.

Sadly, though, there wasn't
much on the menu for Hammond.

So this is...
Well, these are dragonflies.

Don't eat dragonflies.

- You've never tried one?
- Nobody eats dragonflies.

This is... crickets.

These are water beetles.

- I don't eat water beetles.
- They're tarantulas.

I especially don't eat
tarantulas.

JEREMY:
Or big spiders, anyway.

The thing is...
during the time of Pol Pot,

they were starving
and they had to.

And they actually discovered
that they're lovely.

Do you know
what Pol Pot means?

- Everyone thinks it's his name.
- Bad menu?

It stands for
Political Potential.

Same as Jeremy Corbyn.
Same policies.

You're eating a taran...

No, it's a dragonfly.

- What do they taste like?
- Dragonflies.

- Oh!
- I knew you'd have a problem.

So I got you some
hard-boiled eggs, Hammond.

Is this a...

This is a cricket, look.

Can you see that?

JAMES: Do you eat it or do you
disembowel it and then eat the flesh?

Oh, my God!

It's got a bird in it!

JEREMY: What?

That may be beyond my line...

RICHARD: I'm just looking
at it, thinking, "Really?"

JAMES:
That is pretty revolting.

It is, I know, but if you've
got a socialist running,

you know, like Britain
when we've got Corbyn...

this is what
we're going to be eating.

After our feast,
it was time for bed.

And we were shown to
the best rooms in the house.

(MOTOR CHUGGING)

Hang on, is that... That
generator goes all the time?

The noise - da, da, da, da...

Can you make it, like, off?
No?

Off? Da, da, da, da...

No?

OK.

It's impossible to think
how this could be worse.

(GENERATOR CHUGGING)

(TECHNO MUSIC POUNDING)

And there it is.

(TECHNO MUSIC POUNDING)

This...

What's this? Why...
Why?

Why are they...

What's that,
in a grown man's bedroom?

(TECHNO MUSIC BLARING)

JEREMY:
Dawn was magnificent.

And there was no need to wake
the cameramen to film it.

Because they, like us,
hadn't had a wink of sleep.

(BOAT ENGINE PUTTING)

(DOG BARKING)

(CHICKENS CLUCKING)

(COCKEREL CROWS)

That. That... : .

- Yeah.
- : .

At midnight...

am, music stops.

And the dog-barking competition starts.
JAMES: Yeah.

- Till : , cockerel starts.
JAMES: Yeah.

Till five.
Fishing boats go out.

(ENGINE PUTTING)

Why don't they invent
the sil*ncer?

JAMES: They haven't got silencers
for those or generators.

It simply hasn't reached this
bit of the world for some reason.

RICHARD:
Why do we do this?

JEREMY:
This is a boating holiday.

- Yeah. Brilliant.
- Life afloat. The glamour.

JEREMY: To cheer
ourselves up,

we decided to shop
for provisions.

And we were in
for a bit of a surprise,

because this town was
the Venice of the East.

There were floating houses
with satellite TV,

floating workshops,

floating supermarkets,

a hospital

and even a church.

Look at this!
It's a high street.

JEREMY: So they've moved
the town to where...

Well, wherever the lake is,
the town is always at the edge of it.

Well, it moves itself.

So what do we need?

JEREMY: We need earplugs,
we need sleeping pills,

something to wash the sleeping pills
down, I'm thinking strong beer...

Yeah.

Maybe so strong
it's called whisky.

RICHARD: Yeah, that beer.
If nobody minds,

I'd like to buy
some cleaning products.

Oh, because of the p*rn
that's gone on on your boat?

RICHARD: Eugh! What's gone on down
there does not bear thinking about.

JEREMY: Unfortunately,
trying to navigate

through the busy streets

exposed the PBR's
Achilles heel:

its mind-of-its-own steering
at slow speeds.

Oh, God!

JEREMY:
Look at it. Full left lock.

- (HEAVY THUD)
- RICHARD: Just concentrate on...

Don't do that!

This one is now going...
This one's back.

And that one's forwards.

- No, that hasn't worked.
- Backwards, backwards.

Anything you want to buy from this shop?
Cos we're arriving at it.

- RICHARD: Oh, oh!
- (HEAVY THUD)

JEREMY: Having finally crashed
into the correct shop...

we set about loading up
with supplies.

- Got mops.
- That says beer.

Do you have, erm...

tablet for...

RICHARD: Yeah, but for...

for sleeping...
(TRUMPETS) ..elephant.

So, big.

JAMES: But not for...
Well, it could k*ll him.

RICHARD: That's what I mean.
JAMES: Oh, right, OK.

JAMES:
With the shopping done,

we resumed our journey

across the shallow,
net-infested lake.

I am under my own power
for now.

Ts and Ps looking good.

Hammond too
had mended his engines.

But he daren't fire them up

for fear of destroying them
in the mud.

So he was still being towed.

I found a very kind and
generous local fisherman

to pull me along
behind his little boat,

that doesn't have
a sil*ncer on it.

(ENGINE PUTTING)

That boat wasn't
powerful enough,

so he found a mate
and then another mate,

and they've tied
all their boats together.

None of their engines
have silencers.

(ENGINES CHUGGING)

And we are now travelling at a speed
too slow to register on any device.

Bo-o-o-ored!

JEREMY: Unlike my colleagues,

I wasn't struggling with a
Dickensian propulsion system.

JAMES: Thank you.

But even so,
I had run into a problem.

Right, this is
the end of the lake.

I've made it.

And there's the river,
I think, over there.

However, between me and it...

there is a small obstacle.

The mouth of the river was absolutely
jammed with densely packed weed.

So, to get through it,
I decided to ditch Slow and Careful,

and call on my old friends
Speed and Power.

Come on!

Rise!

Ye-e-e-eees!

No! No! No!
It's all gone wrong!

Yeah, we're stuck.

I think I filled my intakes
up with leaves.

Aarg!

JAMES: Meanwhile,
back on the lake...

...my life was
getting even worse.

Right, situation update.
I've run aground.

I can't even turn my boat
into wind cos it's stuck.

And there's a storm coming.

And it wasn't like
my camera boat could help

because that
was beached as well.

Oh, look at those poor sods.

And then,
to rub salt in the wounds...

(ENGINE REVVING)

(LAUGHS)

Are you stuck?
I thought you were waiting for me.

No, I'm stuck. But my boat's
not powerful enough to tow...

Nothing I can do. I thought you were waiting
for me. I didn't know you were stuck.

I'm really sorry.

(THUNDER CRASHES)

(GROANS)

Oh, hell.

Oh, God.

(THUNDER CRASHES)

JEREMY: Back in the lettuce
field, I'd enlisted the help

of the few remaining locals not
being employed by James and Richard.

It is actually moving.

Yes! Yes!

Yes!

The mighty PBR has been
freed by the local chaps.

JAMES:
Soon, I was also being towed.

So I had time to reflect on the
awfulness of our boating holiday.

I mean, it's farcical.

We've got half of
Cambodia in the water

freeing us from
fishing nets and ropes,

and trying to pull out the camera
crew boats. They're all stuck.

It's rubbish!

Are you stuck?

Yeah?

Is he stuck?

Right.

They're all stuck.

Eventually, though, Hammond
and I found deeper water,

and were able to proceed
under own own steam.

(CACKLES)

I have two engines!

It's Clarkson.

JAMES OVER RADIO:
Calling Commander Clarkson.

JEREMY OVER RADIO:
Right, chaps? Er... welcome,

first of all.
Nice to have you here.

No time for
pleasantries, though.

The problem we have is that is a
very significant chunk of weeds,

and this can do everything
except go through them.

The issue was that my giant
V s would suck the leaves

into the jets
and clog them up.

So Hammond and May decided to
slice a path through the veg patch

using their old-fashioned
props.

Here we go into the reeds.

Hand on throttle.

JEREMY: I was then
towed through by a local.

Here I am going
through the salad,

pre-minced by Hammond and May with
their th-century propellers.

RICHARD: Ooh,
it's not liking this at all.

Watching my temperatures.
They're climbing already.

Bit snaggy.

Oh, come on.

Come on, boat.

Nevertheless, our salad
mincers kept chopping away.

JEREMY OVER RADIO: Hammond,
it opens up down there.

Can you see?
About yards.

RICHARD: Yes, clear water.
Oh, yes.

Yes!

I'm weed free!

What a victory
for the antique, eh?

We then sailed down
a narrow channel

created by the fishermen.

Do you know what's the most
amazing thing about these reeds,

apart from that they look
like giant flat-leaf parsley?

It's that, according to a local,
if I understood him correctly,

they weren't even here
ten days ago.

And now there are
miles of them.

Ten days!

Imagine if you could grow
vegetables that quickly.

JEREMY: Joyfully, though, the
river eventually opened up.

And, finally, after
two days of frustration,

all of us
were able to open the taps.

For me especially,
this was great

because it meant
I finally had some steering.

Oh, yes! Look at this!
The speed!

The speed!

RICHARD: Oh-ho-ho!

Oh, my word!

(RICHARD WHOOPS)

Come on, boat machine!

Du Ma!

Mind you, when I say all of
us had opened the taps...

(ENGINE PUTTING GENTLY)

Fuel and temperature's good.

Oil pressure is excellent.

I believe I am boating.

JEREMY: We were now
on the Tonlé Sap,

the only river in the world
where the flow

changes direction
according to the season.

And straightaway,

Hammond and I had
important work to do.

Do you wanna see who's
got the quicker boat?

Oh, this is so inevitable!

Right, what we're gonna
have now is a drag race.

And that's when he will see the
vast superiority of the jet,

the instant torque and
acceleration of jet power.

JEREMY: With a far-off bridge
chosen as the finish point,

we lined up for a run.

Three... two... one...
Go.

Oh, no!

There you go, there's the
difference. Trimming my jets.

And that's goodbye,
Mr Hammond.

I'm up on the plane now.

Ha-ha!

Oh, no, he... Look at him.

And here he's coming back
at me.

Come on! Come on!
Come on! Come on!

No! Come on, boat machine,
you can do this!

(RICHARD CACKLES)

No! No! I won't have this!

I'm gonna do it!
Come on!

Here's the finish line!

Yea-aaah!

- JEREMY: No! No!
- (BOAT'S HORN BLARES)

Ghastly little Brummie
in his HMS p*rn.

Having lost
the ridiculous drag race,

I proposed
a high-speed brake test.

Ready? We're in full
forward thrust with my jets.

And I'm about to go
into full reverse thrust.

Instantly.
Just lowers some buckets down

and the water sh**t forwards
instead of back.

What Hammond didn't know is
that this is a PBR party piece.

Three... two... one...
Go.

Jesus Christ!

(WHOOPS WITH LAUGHTER)

No, I-I will give you that!
You won that!

That was quite a soaking.

Famously, these PBRs can stop
from top speed to a dead stop

in their own length, feet.

There's water still dribbling down
that camera, look, from that wave!

I think I just proved...
that story's true.

JAMES: Meanwhile,
several miles back,

I'd pinned my engine to try and
catch up with the other two.

Oh, cock!

My cushion's in the water.

Bollocks!

So, if I go full-right
steering...

Stop.

What the bloody hell is...?

Hammond, you've gotta try a bit
of wave jumping, it's hilarious.

(LAUGHTER)
Oh, I like that game!

There's Richard Hammond
playing in the waves.

What could possibly go wrong?

Unlikely to be a fire
for once.

(SQUEALS DELIGHTEDLY)

Damn it, I'm enjoying it!
Must not enjoy boating.

Ya-ha-ha-hay!

(BLEEP)

JEREMY: While May
entertained the locals,

Hammond and I were nearing
Cambodia's capital city.

Yes! Phnom Penh.

There's Phnom Penh
dead ahead.

I am in slight wonderment.

Nobody told me
when I failed my A Levels

that one day
I'd be driving a PBR

down the Tonlé Sap River
into Phnom Penh.

Mainly because back
then Cambodia was...

...entirely impossible
to get into

because it was run by the biggest
lunatic the world's ever seen,

Pol Pot.

The man k*lled per cent
of the Cambodian population.

per cent.

He just said that anybody who
could speak a foreign language,

or who had soft hands,
or wore glasses...

Anyone remotely intelligent
had to be k*lled.

If you haven't seen the movie
The k*lling Fields,

please watch it, please.

You'll get an idea from that
of the horror.

Having parked up, we decided
to wait for James at the FCC.

I reckon this is
one of the coolest bars

anywhere in the world.

Back in the day when Cambodia
was, let's say, a troubled nation,

this is where all the foreign correspondents
for all of the world's media outlets

used to meet for a drink,

hence FCC, Foreign
Correspondents' Club.

RICHARD: It's when there was
some romance in journalism.

Oh, and expense accounts.

And drinking.
They drank a lot.

- You can feel it in the room.
- You can.

You can sense
ruined cirrhosis.

Some intelligent,
hammered minds.

They used to come in here
with g*ns they'd found,

get absolutely slaughtered,

and then just sh**t
g*ns from the balconies.

You could do clay beer-bottle
sh**t but with AKs!

"I've drunk beers."

"And we're going to have
a considerable fight."

"And then I'm going to write
my copy with a broken nose."

JEREMY: After we'd raised a glass
or ten to the ghosts of the past,

James finally arrived.

And we decided
to buy some things

to make our lives on board
more comfortable.

Oooh, missed 'em.

Why don't we go to the market
first of all?

A real local market
for local people?

- Yes.
- Yeah, let's go there.

- Come on!
- Yeah!

That's using internal
combustion.

What about global warming?

Eventually, we found
the local market.

And immediately we were distracted
by all the pretty watches.

That's a Breitling.

I thought Breitling would take better
care of their display than this.

Look at the Hublot.
That's a tasteful watch.

And so light
for such exquisite quality.

And all these diamonds.

- Omega.
- Omega?

See, that is my Omega.

And this one is orange but in
every other way, identical.

Jezza?

They haven't realised it,

but there's
a gold Rolex there

and there's a Planet Ocean
Omega there.

I just asked how much
a Seamaster is.

These are about £ ,
in the UK, yes?

- Yes.
- Guess how much they are here.

I don't know, , .

- £ .
- £ ?

I mean, I know their overheads are
low, but that's extraordinary.

- That must mean the mark-up on those watches is enormous.
- Exactly.

Oh, hello. Hello!

Is that a real Jaguar belt?

I've got a Ja-a-ag.

How much is this?

Dollars.

. And here,
because you're a nice chap...

- Yeah?
- Erm... keep it. Thank you.

Nothing on God's green earth
annoys me more

than European people
haggling in places like this.

Cos they're haggling
over a dollar...

It doesn't matter to you,
it doesn't matter,

and it matters a lot
to them.

Just pay the price.

- How much?
- .

Ow! I was thinking .

JEREMY: Having stocked up
on luxury goods,

we went in search of
some more practical items.

Oh, hello!
Cooking, cooking.

Yes.

Something for
getting rid of flies.

Here.

- Flies, zz.
- (LAUGHS)

- Taser.
- Taser?

- (CRACKLES)
- Oh, gee.

- (ELECTRICITY CRACKLES)
- (LAUGHS WHEEZILY)

Thank you. You're a life saver.
It's very hot.

(AEROSOL HISSES)

(JEREMY GRUNTS)

What's that woman
with the gold outfit?

That looks Hindu.

- Is it very old?
- Yes.

It is? Oh.

- Are these old as well?
- Yes.

(AEROSOL HISSES)

(HISSING STOPS)

Can I have another one
for the other armpit?

Having bought all we needed to make
a night afloat more comfortable,

we immediately checked
into a five-star hotel...

- Good evening.
- Good evening.

Oh, of course,
that's very kind. Thank you.

...and then went
to the rooftop bar.

So, that is the government
building down there.

Which I...
Look at the lighting on that.

It's one of the cleverest...
Cos it looks like curtains.

JAMES: It looks like theatre
curtains closing or opening.

Is that where the Prime
Minister hangs out?

- No, no, don't, don't, don't.
- He's not there?

No, don't call him
Prime Minister.

Well, what is he, then?

Well, weirdly, I was reading
the Financial Times.

And I've saved it.
Hang on.

Mr Hun Sen,
a ruler of years,

who insists on
being referred to as:

"Lord Prime Minister and
Supreme m*llitary Commander."

So, if you are referring
to him, you must say,

"Lord Prime Minister and
Supreme m*llitary Commander."

His wife, Bun Rany,
she is officially known as:

"Most glorious and upright
person of genius."

I want to be called...
In fact, I want...

Most glorious and upright
person of genius.

I want you two
to start calling me that.

After a bit more
conversation, we went to bed.

Well, one of us did.

I've got paint,
paint brushes,

and then I've got
spray paint.

Where's the bicycles?

Oh, they're here.
Thank you.

Thank you so much.
Thank you very much.

I love to follow you.

JEREMY: The next morning, I fitted my new
lavatory seat and air-conditioning unit.

James installed
his drinks fridge.

And after Hammond had
slipped into his new shirt...

we set off.

And immediately, it was hard
to keep a straight face.

We have played jokes
on one another before,

but I'm not sure we've ever
pulled one as good as this.

From where Richard Hammond
is standing,

he has no idea what
James and I have done.

JEREMY OVER RADIO:
Hey, guys?

This is the first time we've run
under our own steam as a three.

RICHARD: Yeah, it feels good.

I'm not sure it feels that
good, though, does it?

Do you know
what might feel better?

(ENGINES REVVING)

JAMES: Thank you.

Very funny.

JEREMY: We were now
miles into our journey

and leaving the Tonlé Sap

to join the world's
most iconic river -

the mighty Mekong.

♪ Hold on ♪

♪ I'm coming ♪

♪ I'm goin' my way... ♪

And I was going down it
at full chat in a jet boat.

These jets, they're New Zealand
jets, and they are epic.

♪ Hold on ♪

♪ I'm coming ♪

The jet skis
you rent on holiday,

they have one impeller
in a tube,

suck water in, sh**t it out
the back and go along.

The jets in this
are a bit different.

They're two-stage impellers.

One sucks the water in
and gets it spinning,

fires it into the second one that
properly hammers it out the back.

Instant acceleration,
and a lot of it.

Speed boating.

There really was one of these
in Miami Vice.

Don Johnson drove around in it with
his sleeves rolled up, looking cool.

And, in fact,
this is a Scarab Thunder,

and it was built specially
for a television series

called Thunder
starring Hulk Hogan.

It lasted one season.

It was crap.

But the boat exists.

JEREMY: Another funny thing
about boats.

When you have a car, you never,
ever run it at max revs all day.

But with boats,
that's what you do.

Have you ever driven a car
where you've just...

maxed it from the moment
you start in the morning

and left it maxed all day?

Yeah, I had a company
Renault Clio for a while

and that's how I drove it.

JAMES: Meanwhile,
a long way further back,

I was contemplating the enormity
of this incredible river.

JAMES: Here's a stat for you.

The volume of fish
caught in the Mekong

is times greater
than the volume of fish

caught in all of America's
inland waterways combined.

million people depend on the
Mekong for food or their livelihood.

million people.

So messing this up
with things like damming

could be as bad
as nuclear w*r.

RICHARD: Up ahead, Jeremy
and I were trying to create

a professional impression at the
Vietnamese border checkpoint.

- Oh, that hasn't worked.
- (HEAVY THUD)

- Oh.
- (HEAVY THUD)

JEREMY: Yeah.

- Hi.
- Thank you.

We're experienced travellers
passing through.

Yeah, we were born in boats,
really.

Hammond, I'm really sorry,

but the customs man's dog
has d*ed.

Oh, no. Oh, what
a terrible time to arrive.

I'm not sure
he's gonna be very happy.

Hello.

I'm beginning to suspect
there may be man-made fibres

involved in this
shirt of mine.

It's uncomfortable.

JEREMY:
With the paperwork done,

I observed nautical courtesy
with the flags,

donned a PBR-crew
black beret...

Right.

...and roared into the Nam.

♪ Some folks are born,
made to wave the flag ♪

♪ Ooh, they're red,
white and blue ♪

♪ And when the band plays
Hail To The Chief ♪

♪ Ooh, they point
the cannon at you... ♪

Suddenly, the PBR is
feeling alive and sprightly.

♪ It ain't me ♪

♪ I ain't no
senator's son, son ♪

This is what
it was built to do,

hammer down
the Mekong River in Vietnam.

♪ Some folks are born,
silver spoon in hand ♪

♪ Lord, don't they help
themselves, oh ♪

♪ But when the taxman
comes to the door ♪

♪ Lord, the house looks like
a rummage sale, yeah ♪

Cambodia, Mekong River
virtually empty.

In Vietnam now, Mekong River
very full of commerce.

♪ It ain't me, it ain't me ♪

♪ I'm no fortunate one, no ♪

JAMES: I, too, was
in Vietnam at this point,

and something was
dawning on me.

Strikes me I'm being a bit of a mug
because I'm thrashing this boat,

but it only does km/h,
about . knots,

and I'm trying to catch up with people
I don't even want to be with anyway.

So, I decided to ease off and
break out my new fishing rod.

That is working a treat.
I should really have a spinner on

or something like that, but...

Yeah, that's fishing.

In the most densely
fish-populated

fishing place in the world.

JEREMY: After a few miles,
I turned off the Mekong

and asked Hammond to follow
me to the town of Chau Doc.

And this time, when we arrived under
the watchful gaze of yet more officials,

we were determined
to park well.

Jeremy? You've now got
my boat and I'm not on it!

JEREMY: What?

I'm not on it
and it's no longer tied on!

- It's not tied on on that end?
- No, it's come off!

- Why didn't you tie it on?
- I thought I had!

Oh, for God's sake. Your
boat's got free, Hammond.

I quickly picked up Richard so
he could re-acquire his boat.

- (ALARM BLARES)
- OK, that's that test concluded,

"Where would it go?" test.
It went to there.

JEREMY: Yeah, exactly.
So we now know...

That's the drift, we've established
the drift, it goes that way.

Everything we need to know.

JEREMY: Finally,
we managed to tie ourselves to some land.

And that is how we do that.

And it was at this point
Hammond got the joke.

(RICHARD LAUGHS)

- I've just seen it!
- What?

What you've done to my boat.

- Have I been...
- Yes, all day.

- How have I not seen that?
- You haven't seen it all day.

You've been through Cambodian
customs, Vietnamese immigration,

- Vietnamese customs.
- Oh, my God!

You've driven probably
miles down the Mekong.

- I waved at people. "Hi!"
- The thing is, Hammond,

it's very bad luck to change
the name of a boat.

Oh, God.

Anyway, I'll leave you
to ponder that.

The reason why...

we've parked here
in this quite tight spot

and come to this town
is because

I want to tell you
a little story.

On January st,

the town of Chau Doc
was overrun...

as part of
the Tet Offensive.

(g*nf*re)

A flotilla of PBRs set about
rescuing Americans

whilst others covered the evacuation
with a stream of heavy machine-g*n fire.

It then turned out that in
a house near the hospital,

a -year-old American nurse
called Maggie Frankot was stranded.

Her Jeep was sh*t to pieces.

The fighting was everywhere.

There were Viet Cong soldiers
all around her house.

Some of them were even in it.

(g*nf*re)

Special Forces soldiers
brought in by the PBRs

eventually reached
Maggie's location.

And after a massive battle,

she was dragged from the
house with an injured knee

and carried to one
of the waiting boats.

Afterwards, the Special Forces
soldier responsible for these heroics,

Sergeant Drew Dix,
was honoured with a Presidential Citation.

But the captain of the PBR

that sped her away
from the town and to safety,

a man called Lieutenant
William H Buddy O'Brien,

did even better because,
a year later...

she married him.

I should call this thing
The Love Boat.

As it was getting late,
I decided to pull over

and use my improvised kitchen

to produce something I'd
learned on a recent holiday.

- I came to Vietnam, as you know...
- Yes.

And in the mornings,
I learnt Vietnamese,

and then in the afternoons,
I did a cookery course

on how to make Pho.

I mean, a lot of people think
I'm just this big,

blundering idiot
that can't wire a plug.

- That's the fella I'm thinking about.
- Absolutely right, I am.

- Do you like onions?
- Yeah.

Now,
this is good-quality beef.

I'm tempted to cook it
a bit on the ladle.

In Pho, there are
different herbs and spices.

Erm... the...
the car element

of our car show is less
prominent at the moment.

Because we're on a boat
talking about cooking.

- But in a minute...
- Yes?

...or a second,
they'll cut back to James

who will be talking about
some mechanical thing.

You're right.

Oh, listen to that
interesting b*at.

(ENGINE HUMMING)

My engine goes in and out of phase
with the engine on the camera boat.

Can you hear it?

If I change the revs
by a tiny amount...

Whir, whir, whir...

- Right, we are good to go.
- Thank you.

Oh, I say!

This is not half bad.

Seriously? Or are you
just being nice to me?

No, it is...
It is genuinely very good.

Look at that view.

RICHARD: Mm.

JEREMY:
After we'd had our fill,

it was time to clear up.

- That's really hot!
- Yeah, it is hot.

- Yeah.
- Let go.

Observe the genius that I am.

We're not polluting
the river, by the way.

That all adds to the
nutrients, doesn't it?

- That's biodegradable.
- That is not polluting the river.

Anyone who writes in and says
you're polluting the river,

- I shall write back and go, "No, we're just not."
- "You're an arse!"

There they are, I think.

Yes.

May, is that you
coming out of the gloom?

Yes, it is. Ahoy.

Perfect timing, mate,
we're leaving.

We've gotta go find
the Mekong.

Hang on, I thought
we were having a Pho?

RICHARD OVER RADIO: We did
have one. It was brilliant.

JEREMY OVER RADIO: Yeah,
sorry, I tried to save you some

but Richard
threw it in the river,

literally threw your
portion in the river.

Well, thanks very much
after my very arduous day.

JEREMY: Sadly, his day was
about to get even more arduous

because we had to
re-find the Mekong,

and I was the only one
equipped for night running.

JAMES: My situation update.

I am steering by
my head torch

strapped to the flagpole
thing on the front.

Oh, sh*t. Oh, sh*t.

Why do I always
end up with no headlights?

Every bloody trip.

RICHARD:
And to make things worse...

Gentlemen,
I have a poorly engine.

It's overheating badly.

It's starting to backfire
and cough.

The reason you're having
all these problems

is because you've changed
the name of your boat.

RICHARD OVER RADIO: Yes, well,
I didn't change it, did I?

JEREMY: As I was the only one
with sat nav and a proper light,

it was up to me to navigate.

And I just saw a little
passageway. Hang on.

There is,
there is a passageway.

Follow me.

JEREMY OVER RADIO:
I know this looks dodgy

but this is
the way back to the Mekong.

Ooh.

JEREMY: However, as
soon as I made the turn,

I realised I had a problem.

Not more weeds.
Please God, no.

Any minute now,
I'm under the boat,

picking bits of
lettuce out of my jets.

And, sure enough,
yards later...

(ENGINE REVS)

That's me dead.
I have no drive.

I solved this by paying
a local to clear the intakes.

And then I soldiered on with him
and our translator for company.

This was useful because it
meant I could clear up something

that had been puzzling me.

Could you answer this for me?

My boat is called...
(RAISED INFLEXION): Du Ma.

(LAUGHS)

And everybody laughs
when I go, "Du Ma."

Everybody laughs for a reason.

But it means "Boat Machine."

Boat Machine?

Du: boat.
Ma: machine.

So, why is that funny?

It's a similar
pronunciation to

"f*** your mother"
in Vietnamese.

- What?
- Mmm. (LAUGHS)

- Yes.
- You're joking?

Oh, right.

I'm losing drive.
I'm losing drive.

- (HEAVY THUD)
- Oh, sh*t.

I'm in a tree. Big problem.

As it was late and
Hammond's boat was poorly,

and I was in a tree,
we decided to make camp.

And we woke the next morning
in a blanket of drizzle

with no idea where we were.

It's all gone a bit
English-boating-holiday, hasn't it?

Yeah.

Why did he turn off
the Mekong, anyway?

He wanted to stop off and make a
history programme or something.

No, listen, he did a cooking show
last night as well. You missed that.

My pho was so light
and beautiful...

Oh, this man's
going to see me!

RICHARD: They're gonna
be scarred for life.

- Morning.
- (DOGS BARKING)

If he falls in
and follows his own turd...

- Trousers.
- ..into the lavatory bowl...

and emerges with it
stuck to his head...

Someone would say, "There's a particularly
massive turd in the river this morning."

JAMES: With the morning
ablutions complete,

it was time to move on.

And, since it was Jeremy
who'd got us lost,

we decided it was up to him
to get us un-lost.

You're in charge of charts.
Lead the way.

We shall reacquire
the Mekong very soon.

Yeah, I hope so.
For your sake, really.

JEREMY: I admit
we are entirely lost

and none of these canals
are marked on the map.

(SNIFFS) Ooh.

JEREMY: A few miles later,
while still not on the Mekong,

we came across
a floating market...

(LIVELY CHATTER)

...and decided
to buy some breakfast.

RICHARD: It's not really
a supermarket, is it?

Where do I...
What do I do?

JEREMY: You drive in there,
pull up alongside a boat

where you like the look of
the produce, and then buy it.

For Richard and James,
this turned out to be easy.

- Thank you.
- Thank you.

But for me,
in the unruly PBR...

Oh, my God!

(BLEEP) hell!

I can't steer it.

- Oh, my giddy aunt.
- (CRASHING)

- (WOMAN CALLS OUT)
- Sorry. Sorry.

I'm just... I'm gonna have...
Oh, no, no, no, no.

- (CRASHING)
- Hammond, I've smashed your window.

Yeah, I can see that.

- Yeah.
- (BEEPING)

- Stop beeping!
- JAMES: Hello, hello.

Hello. What's that?

- (SHE LAUGHS) Yes.
- cents. OK.

- OK. OK.
- I've bought... What are they?

- Move the...!
- (THUD)

Ooh. Sorry.

I'll go over here. I meant...

- (THUD)
- Don't...

Don't spin around again.
Oh, no!

- (THUD)
- Sorry.

JAMES: Tomatoes.
Excellent. And an onion.

Thank you.
No idea what that is.

JEREMY: Wait a minute.
This is looking good.

I think, for once...
Oh, no, no, no, no, no.

- It's gone wrong.
- (THUD)

Oh, God. Sorry.
I'm gonna break his rudder.

Oh... Yeah.

JEREMY: I eventually left
empty-handed.

But, as James
prepared his breakfast...

Ahh!

...we found the Mekong.

Sadly, however,
it didn't end our problems.

If we followed this particular
bit of the Mekong, or this one,

or any of the others,

we'd end up in the sea,

and avoiding any form of sea

in our riverboats
was critical.

So, we had to find another
path through the delta.

This meant turning off
the Mekong again

and onto another canal,
which made Hammond very angry.

RICHARD OVER RADIO:
Oh, this looks weird!

We're on another
bloody canal!

Oh, for God's sake.

Hammond, if I still had
cals on the front of this,

I promise I would open up
on you right now.

RICHARD OVER RADIO: Yes, well, you haven't.
And there's a reason for that.

Because you'd probably lose them the
same way you lost the massive river.

You'd lose
your massive machine g*n.

It cannot be this way.

JEREMY: I was convinced we were
going in the right direction

and for the right reasons.

But, still, none of these canals
appeared on my sat-nav system.

OK. So, we're going south.
We're going the wrong way.

If I do a left and a right...

we'll wiggle about
and I'll be fine.

I think there's
a left turn here.

If we take this, I think that'll
help us find the correct Mekong.

Or just get us more lost.

Jeremy Clarkson, would you like to
rethink this? This is your chance.

(EXHALES) Calm.

Eventually, we came to
an aquatic T-junction.

So, which way is it?

Right, chaps,
we're gonna go...

Take a right, James.

RICHARD: I followed James,

which meant Jeremy was
directing us from the back.

So this right turn that you
announced with absolute confidence

is based on what?

JEREMY OVER RADIO:
Hope.

Hammond, when you
get through that,

could you just look back
and see if I can?

- What?
- Hammond! Hammond! Hammond!

Oh, oh, oh,
that's not gonna work!

(THUDDING)

Ah, that didn't fit.

- Thanks, Hammond!
- Well, I was... I... I...

I was getting through
before I could turn round.

Do you know what that means,
Hammond? The nav's gone.

Oh, well, it's done us a lot of
bloody good so far, hasn't it!

Oh, we've lost the thing
that's got us lost!

RICHARD: As we continued,
the problems started

to come not from above
but from below.

(DULL THUDDING)

I think I'm bumping
the bottom here occasionally.

I think I did just now,
as well.

(DULL THUDDING)

Oh, I am hitting the bottom.

(DULL THUDDING CONTINUES)

Oh, wait a minute.

Hammond, it's a dead end.
It's a dead end, for God's sake.

(DULL THUDDING)

- (ENGINE WHINING)
- (HIGH-PITCHED TONE)

Sod it, I'm beached.
Completely beached.

- RICHARD: You what?
- And I can't turn round. Save yourself.

RICHARD: But it was
too late for that.

- (DULL THUDDING)
- Oh, for God's sake.

JEREMY: I could have
turned round, but...

I'm weeded up.
I'm losing drive.

I'm losing drive.
I'm losing drive.

And you're looking for what?
Sympathy?

JEREMY: Now all three of us
were beached.

RICHARD:
Well, this is crap, isn't it!

JEREMY: OK, chaps,
here is the situation.

Using my intellect
and genius,

I've deduced this is tidal.

We can see
where the tide was,

so we simply have to wait
for it to come back up again.

- Yeah, but it's going down.
- Yes, that's my worry.

Whatever happens, we are definitely
stuck here for a little while.

JEREMY: It's actually
a really nice spot, weirdly.

Apart from the slowly-exposed
bucket of fetid mud.

- JAMES: Do you want a tomato?
- No.

- Do you want a potato?
- No.

- Would you like an onion?
- No.

Guys. I've got my iPad.
I can watch a movie.

There's a show
on Prime Video here,

it's called The Grand Tour.

RICHARD: I don't like it.
JAMES: It's rubbish.

RICHARD: There's this one
bloke on it I can't stand.

What are the locals thinking
right now about us?

"They're making a movie and
they've (BLEEP) it up completely."

(LAUGHS)

JEREMY: Another hour passed,
and with the water still draining away,

it went dark.

Having waited most of the
night, in a cloud of mosquitos,

for the tide to refloat us,

we retraced our steps and suffered
more damage in the process.

(BARKING)

So, the bridge that

ruined the radar dome
on the way in,

on the way out,
knocked off my nav lights,

my spotlight,
and bent my roof here.

Which means every time
I walk past, I hit my head.

So... I'm gonna tie this on
as a reminder

to not hit my head.

On the up-side, I had found
the correct canal -

a route that would keep us
away from the South China Sea.

Unfortunately, everyone else
had found it too.

(HORNS HONKING)

Holy cow!

This like a motorway
for water lorries.

- (HORN HONKS)
- I have never seen the like.

And in order to have
any steering in the PBR,

I had to go down
the motorway...

as fast as possible.

♪ WAGNER:
Ride Of The Valkyries

Jinking to miss the cargo.

Oh, no, wait.
I'm gonna go right.

Going right.
Changed my mind.

This is a head-on.
I'm heading for a head-on.

- (HORN TOOTS)
- (JEREMY CHUCKLES)

Look how loaded
that barge is.

If you saw that anywhere else
in the world, you'd say,

"Oh, my God!
That's about to sink!"

But, no, it's just
plodding along.

What the hell's
happened here?

Holy cow.

I think what's happened is
he's beached the back end of it

and now he's spun round...

Oh, this is just hilarious.

Oh, dear, oh, dear.
That's really bad.

How did he do that?

Mind you, you'd say that
looking at us lot last night.

JAMES: Soon, however,
this wasn't the only boat in trouble.

(ENGINE SPLUTTERING)

Oh, that smells terrible now
and there's a lot of smoke.

Ohh...

My right-hand engine
is overheating.

I think, actually,
it might be on fire.

Still, at least
it then rained,

so I didn't have to worry
about the fire spreading.

(THUNDER)

Oh, God almighty!

JEREMY: Being a caring soul,

I decided to go back
to see if I could help.

Switching to
wet weather mode.

And I'll give James a fly-by.
I know he enjoys them.

Here we go.

(THUDDING)

JAMES: Clarkson!

(LAUGHS)

(ENGINE SPLUTTERING)

JEREMY: What's the matter?

Uh, I've lost drive
on both sides, pretty much.

Oh, actually,
I know how to...

fix a slipping prop shaft.

- How?
- Get the boat out of the water,

send for new parts
from America,

and then ask a man
to fit them.

JEREMY: With that advice
dispensed, I was on my way back.

(CLINKING)

JAMES: Oh, no.

We're hoping to reach
the finish point today.

We're only kilometres now
from Vung Tau.

But, at this rate, I'm not
sure that's gonna happen.

RICHARD: In order to hold us
up as little as possible,

I attached myself
to a camera boat,

so I could do repairs
on the move.

This one is not f*ring on all cylinders.
That one's not good either.

I'm gonna change all of
the plugs, all of the leads.

The fuel is filthy
around here,

so I'm gonna change
the fuel filters.

I'm gonna clean
the air filters.

There is a leak coming
through the exhaust stack

at the back,
with a blown hose.

I've got to change that
or I'll sink.

To work!

JAMES: Leaving Richard
to try and mend

his burning colander...

I finally sailed clear
of the rain.

Oh, no!

My expensive Bell & Ross
is all fogged up.

That's going back.

JEREMY: Even further ahead,
I'd left the canal

and was entering one of
the delta's giant estuaries.

This one's a long way
from home,

taking a lot of Vietnamese
training shoes to Panama.

Power is good.
Temperature's good.

Fuel is very... Ooh, Christ,
fuel is very low. Oh, dear.

JEREMY:
But, actually, that was OK

because in busy,
industrious Vietnam

you can summon a
Deliveroo-style refuelling boat.

I'm heading at degrees.

OK, I'll keep my eye open.

And, sure enough,
half an hour later...

- (HORN TOOTS)
- Oh, here he is.

You see, this is service,

from this environmentally-friendly
boat that's arrived.

I've been joined
by the Rainbow Warrior.

Actually creating
a lake of soot.

Once I'd refuelled,
I sailed into what is -

for my boat at least...

home.

Today, this particular area is
known as the National Biosphere.

This is one of the most
fertile places on Earth.

Anything grows here.

You could plant
Richard Hammond

and in the morning
he'd be three feet taller.

But the Americans used to
call it something different.

They called it The Forest
of the Assassins.

And it was the job
of the PBR boys

to root those assassins out.

That was no easy task

'cause we're talking about
square miles of forest,

criss-crossed by ,
miles of rivers and creeks.

It was the perfect place

for the Viet Cong
to wage guerrilla warfare...

against America's little
unarmoured w*r boats.

Initially, the crews were
trained in America by the army,

and then they were
trained by the navy,

and then they were told to just
come out here and get on with it.

They literally put four
teenagers, as often as not,

on an armed speedboat and sent
them out here to do fighting.

Armaments?

Well, all of the boats
had twin cals upfront...

and a single
at the back.

But, beyond that, the captain
could fit what he wanted.

Some went for -millimetre
grenade launchers.

Some had
-millimetre mortars.

Some had rocket launchers.

Some carried Claymore mines
to leave on the banks.

And it was the same free-for-all
when it came to air support.

Some PBR captains called in fast
jets when they were att*cked.

And some preferred to work in
tandem with helicopter gunships.

Some guys, however,
liked to handle the fight on their own.

There was one guy
called James E Williams.

He came round a corner.
His route was blocked

by eight enemy boats
all f*ring at him.

So, he ordered his front
machine-gunner to fire back,

and then engaged full speed

and rammed into
the enemy boats.

Then he turned round,
engaged full speed again,

and rammed into the ones that
hadn't been turned into matchwood

on his first pass.

He got the Congressional
Medal of Honor for that one.

And I'm not surprised.

Of course, you'd imagine
that a plastic boat

would be easy pickings for a
sn*per hiding in the undergrowth.

But that's not so,
as I shall now demonstrate.

(ENGINE REVS)

PBR captains
would always drive very fast,

so they had steering,
and very close to the bank.

If it was the bank where
the sn*per was hiding...

I mean, if you're in there,
you've got no chance.

All you have to do is keep the
hammer down and keep close to a bank.

Then you're
a sn*per's nightmare.

- (THUD)
- Oh, sh*t.

(SCRAPING)

Right, what I've just done is -
there's no other word - I've crashed.

(GROANS)

(MOTOR CHUGGING)

How have you done that?

OK, what happened was I came
round this corner here,

there were some
school children swimming,

and a shark
was homing in for an att*ck.

So, I ran the shark down,
and then got stuck in my own wake.

And it's just...
Well, I've crashed now.

But the school children
are all fine.

At first, a camera crew
tried to pull me off,

but the PBR was too heavy.

Now what are you gonna do?

JEREMY OVER RADIO:
Well, that's a good question.

JEREMY:
We were all stumped.

And that's because we hadn't reckoned
on the ingenuity of the locals,

who decided to pull the boat
from the front.

(LOCALS CALL OUT)

Right, um...
Ooh, it's moving. Is it?

It's actually...
Uh, we're moving.

I'm moving. I am moving.

I am absolutely staggered.

Look at this!
This is a four-ton boat.

Yes!

You are a genius!

I must admit,
that was a fantastic effort.

I didn't think
that was gonna shift.

You know, people always say,
"How did the Vietnamese b*at

the French, the Chinese,
and the Americans?"

I think we've just seen
an example of it.

And, many miles back,
on the p*rn set,

there was more good news.

There it is!
I'm back in the running!

Both engines running on eight
cylinders and running well.

Plus, I'm no longer
on fire or sinking.

JEREMY: All of us
were running well, in fact.

The finish line
was in striking distance

and even though our
weird collection of boats

had been captained by two terrible
sailors and a hopeless navigator,

they had, nevertheless,
survived this epic adventure.

- (THUNDER)
- Oh-oh!

It's really windy!

Ooh-ooh!

(ANGUISHED CRY)

- (MOTOR CHUGGING)
- (MIMICS MOTOR)

No?

Come on! Come on! Come on!

- No, I won't have this!
- Yeah!

Oh, God.

Here we go into the reeds.

Sleeping...
(TRUMPETS) ...elephant.

Oh, my God.

- (THUD)
- Sorry.

Oh, cock.

JEREMY: Hammond!
Hammond! Hammond!

(THUDDING)

Ah, that didn't fit.

Oh, we've lost the thing
that's got us lost.

RICHARD:
Well, this is crap, isn't it?

(CLATTERING)

(LAUGHS)

Oh, sh*t!

miles to go.

What can possibly go wrong?

As it turned out,
just about everything.

(THUNDERCLAP)

(THUNDER)

This time, the rain was
the heaviest we'd seen.

Oh, sh*t. Oh, sh*t.

This is grim.

(THUNDER)

(BLEEP) hell,
I can't see a thing.

JEREMY: Soon,
we were completely lost.

Have I overtaken you?
Have you seen me go by?

JAMES: I can't see a (BLEEP)
thing and I can't steer.

JEREMY: When the rain
did eventually clear,

we realised we had emerged
into the one thing

I'd been trying
so desperately to avoid.

OK, well, now,
what we've done...

what I'm doing here...

That's the sea.

miles of open ocean
lay between us

and the finishing line
at Vung Tau.

But, as the water
didn't look too rough...

we decided to put on some
life jackets and go for it.

I've been thinking. Jeremy?

The sea is in some ways
a lawless place,

but in others there is
a strict code, isn't there?

You stick together through thick and
thin, face perils as one.

Yeah. Thing is, though,

to operate efficiently
as a team,

each team member
has to be at their optimum.

At this speed, I'm not at my best.
I have no steering.

JEREMY: And so...

Three, two, one... Go.

Funny.

JEREMY: As it turned out,

that would be the last
funny moment of the day.

Oh, my God!

- (THUD)
- Argh, f*ck!

I'll try standing up, see if that helps.
With bent knee.

- (THUD)
- Oh, no! Oh, God.

God above,
this is just awful.

- (RATTLING)
- Oh!

(COUGHS AND SPLUTTERS)

I'm gonna throw up
at this rate,

not because of sea sickness
but because of

the amount of salt water
in my mouth.

(THUDDING)

[BLEEP]

No!

(GROANS)

This is a lot worse than
I thought it was going to be.

It wasn't just
the rough seas.

(HORN HONKS)

We also had to weave our way
through the shipping lanes.

There's a large tanker
dead ahead.

Trawler off to my right.

Sheez.

I've managed to miss that massive
container ship. That's something.

$ . trillion worth of trade

comes through these waters
every year.

God knows how it isn't
all smashed to pieces

when it gets to its destination.

Jesus Christ.

If one big wave goes in there,
I'm gonna get very nose-heavy.

And I cannot realistically
get up there to put it back.

RICHARD: Meanwhile,
I'd finally managed to put my roof up...

Oh, yes. There's a chance.
There's a chance.

...which was time well spent.

Holy sh*t!

Ohh, bollocks.

(GROANS)

Stop... doing... that!

JEREMY OVER RADIO: The good news is,
Hammond, it can't be worse than this.

JEREMY: But it did get worse.

Ohh! (BLEEP) Nora.

Sheez. This is stupid.

It's gonna snap.

I just pissed myself
standing up where I was.

Anything else
is not an option.

Oh! Freezing
and (BLEEP) wet.

(GROANS)

This is getting sketchy.

I'm not sure we can do this.

JEREMY: Certainly, one of our camera
boats was in very big trouble.

MAN: Bloody hell.
We're taking in too much water.

I don't know
if it's dangerous.

We'll never get there
at this rate.

JEREMY: And James had completely
lost control of his antique.

Oh! No, no, no, no, no!
Oh, no!

Oh, (BLEEP) sake!

No!

Argh.

JEREMY: After miles, the
sea started to calm a little

and I decided
to increase speed.

Come on,
you brave little soldier.

Come on, bite.
Bite, bite, bite.

Bite.

I can't stand
much more of this.

It's only a few miles!

(WHIRRING)

Come on. I'm running in
fast now. I want this over.

Argh!

The top three worst things
I've ever done.

JEREMY: Mercifully, the finish
line, Vung Tau harbour,

then hoved into view.

Come on.
It can't be more than a mile.

(SNAP)

Well, that's brilliant.

These last couple of hours
have damn nearly k*lled me.

They probably have
James and Richard.

I can't raise either
of them on the radio.

I don't know where they are.

I reached the jetty
very much alone.

Sorry, there's no
film crews with me.

Um, I don't know
where they are either.

But Richard Hammond
is arriving.

He's made it.

Normally we'd celebrate
the end of a journey,

but I'm not celebrating that.
Beyond brutal.

Yeah, that was the hardest
thing I've ever done.

Easily the hardest thing I've ever done.
The most dangerous.

JEREMY: After a film crew
arrived, we disembarked.

Have you really not heard
from James at all?

No, nothing.

But then, the Rover
hoved into view.

It could be coming with nobody on
it, like the Marie Celeste.

Well, I did wo...
No, he is there.

Look, there's a very
bedraggled dog at the helm.

Yeah.

Right.

We've been very worried
about you.

Have you? I was very worried
about me. But thank you.

- (RATTLING)
- Jeez.

(GROANS)

I'm absolutely staggered
it's still there.

- But we have survived.
- Yeah.

And on that
terrible disappointment...

- for Top Gear...
- (CHUCKLING)

...it's time to say goodbye.
We'll be back.

- See you very soon.
- See you soon.