04x03 - The Grand Tour Presents: Lochdown

Episode transcripts for the TV show "The Grand Tour". Aired: November 2016 to April 2019.*
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Jeremy Clarkson, Richard Hammond and James May are back with "The Grand Tour". A show about adventure, excitement and friendship... as long as you accept that the people you call friends are also the ones you find extremely annoying. Sometimes it's even a show about cars. Follow them on their global adventure.
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04x03 - The Grand Tour Presents: Lochdown

Post by bunniefuu »

[Jeremy] Hello and welcome
to The Grand Tour,

which is not coming to
you this time from the top

of a volcano or the bottom
of the sea.

No. We are in Berwick-upon-Tweed,

the most northerly town in England.

And our mission is to
set off across the border

and then drive all the way
across Scotland

to the Outer Hebrides.

Now, this promises to be

one of the most beautiful
drives we have ever done.

And on the way,

we will be attempting to
answer a very important question.

Yeah. It's this...

In Europe we listen
to American music,

we buy American clothes,
we drink American beer,

we wear American sunglasses.

But American cars
have never caught on.

Why?

To try and find out,
each of us bought an American car.

And this is what I chose,

a -foot-long
Lincoln Continental Mark V.

Remember Jock Ewing out of Dallas?

He had one of these.

Fat Frank Cannon, the TV detective,

he had something very similar,

a Mark IV, basically the same.

And what this means is,
is that when I was growing up,

I would see a Lincoln
on TV every week

and then I'd turn to my dad and say,

"Dad, can we have a Ford Cortina?"

Why didn't I want one of these?

Why didn't he?

Ooh, hello.

It's a... a Buick Riviera.

Oh, yeah!

With a... with a self-opening
boot. Shall I shut that?

When did that happen?

- Just now as you pulled up.
- Yeah, okay,

that's a feature of the model.
This is the legendary

Buick Riviera, the boattail.

What?

No, I'm just...
I'm just... I'm stunned.

Well, no, the thing is, is we said,

"Why did American cars
not catch on in Europe?"

Yeah.

Did this even catch on in America?

Well, that's the thing.
You see, the Riviera

was Buick's answer
to the Ford Thunderbird.

So from ' they were making
Rivieras. And it was doing well.

They were selling quite a few,

- not as many as the Thunderbird.
- Yeah.

So in ' they said,
"Let's make something really striking."

Really new, really out there.

And they made this
and everybody hated it.

[Jeremy laughs]

[Richard] Literally!

Their advertising material said,
"It's like nothing else."

And Americans went,
"Good." [chuckles]

But... Jock Ewing, Fat Frank Cannon,
celebrity all over it.

[Richard clears throat]

Clint Eastwood.

- Really?
- Jeff Bridges.

- Really?
- Yes.

What, they both had this?

- Bruce Willis.
- Bruce... Really?

- So, Frank and Jock?
- Yes.

Bruce, Clint and Jeff?

[Richard] Yes!

And we still ran around
in Europe going,

"I don't know,
shall we have an Allegro or...

We had an Allegro Estate,
when this existed!

What do you suppose May's got?

No, let me rephrase that.

What sort of Cadillac do
you suppose May's bought?

[Jeremy] Eventually...

after feet of waiting,

we got the answer.

The car now arriving at platforms four,
five, six, seven, eight, nine and ten...

- May?
- Yes, sir?

We guessed you'd have a Cadillac.

Not just a Cadillac. This is
a Cadillac Coupe DeVille.

- [Jeremy] Is it?
- [James] The Cadillac of Cadillacs.

Honestly, driving this,
I feel like Elvis Presley.

What, dead on a lavatory?

- [snorts]
- [laughs]

Oh my God, how much
burgundy can you get in one car?

It's like an American motel room.

They must have scraped out all
the burgundy mines in the world.

[chuckles] "What color
shall we make the seats?"

- [Jeremy] Burgundy.
- [Richard] "What about the dash there?"

- [Jeremy] Burgundy.
- [Richard] "Ooh, good idea."

But... the switch, the button on
the end of the cruise control stalk...

-[Richard] Burgundy
-[James] ...is burgundy.

[laughter]

I was hoping you
wouldn't notice that.

[Jeremy] Has it fallen off?

Well, I'm gonna have to
admit to being a bit of a clot.

I was driving here
and I noticed in my mirror

this piece of debris
flying away down the road.

And I actually thought to myself,
"Do you know what?

That's remarkable.

That piece of debris
is the same burgundy

- as my car."
- [laughs]

But without actually thinking,

- "I wonder if it came from it?"
- [Richard] Oh!

I tell you what we should do,

have a game of Top Trumps.

Engine?

- Yes?
- [James] Mm-hmm?

. -liter V .

- Aw, that's cute!
- . ...

- What? It's not cute...
- What does it use to drive the car along?

Is that what starts the engine?

Well, how big's the engine in yours?

[Richard] . .

- [James] . liters?
- . -liter V !

[James] Whooph!

Go on!

. .

[Richard] Eight?

[James] . liters.

This is the biggest V ever
fitted to a production car. . liters.

[Jeremy] All right, then.
[clears throat]

This is more efficient, obviously.

How many horsepower?

- Mine?
- Mm-hmm.

[clears throat] Hundred and ninety.

I don't think horsepower matters.

- How many horsepower?
- One hundred and eighty-one.

- That's it?
- Yes.

- From . liters.
- [clears throat]

I don't know how they did that.

My seven-and-a-half-liter V
lump developed horsepower.

- Two hundred and fifty?
- [Richard] Yeah.

So that's a rocket ship.

[Jeremy] Eager to begin our
important journey of discovery,

we fired up
the , -pound Lincoln,

the , -pound Buick

and Mount Burgundy

and set off.

This is it.

[rock music playing]

Scottish border.
We're entering McScotland.

[Richard] This is
a homecoming for this car

because Mr. Buick
of Buick was Scottish.

You're going home!

Jeremy Clarkson, are you aware

that your car appears to be
talking as it goes along?

[rattling]

[Jeremy] No, I'm unaware of that.

The front bumper is miles
in front of where I'm sitting.

We powered along, dumbstruck

at what we'd missed
out on in our childhoods.

I seem to remember that in ,

the heater was an
optional extra in an Austin.

The heater was.

Whereas this has got
electrically adjustable seats,

electric windows,
electric quarter light,

cruise control... I mean, the Starship
Enterprise didn't have cruise control.

I mean, look at this,
a*t*matic climate control.

You can set it on economy settings

or an auto setting, or bi-level.

I mean, bi-level.

We wouldn't have even
known what that meant.

I mean, if somebody
had showed me a window

that moved about using
electricity in the s,

I'd have fainted.

Check out my lights!

I've got garage doors
for my headlights.

What would my childhood
have been like

if I'd wafted about in
the back of one of these

instead of a Ford Anglia
with a hole in the floor?

My dad would have
been my absolute hero.

I'd have had a bright
and sunny outlook.

Yeah...

[Jeremy] As we approached
the outskirts of Edinburgh,

we were honored with
the traditional local welcome.

McRaining now. That's
predictable. We've been in Scotland

for, what, minutes?

Presumably the Scottish police
can't say "You're nicked, sunshine"

because nobody would know
what that meant.

[laughs]

[squeaking]

Not good. The news is not good.

[Jeremy] We then decided
to head for the city center

to see how our cars would cope

with the steep
and narrow cobbled streets.

Wait a minute.

Oh, my God!

[gears grinding]

This cannot be done.

The issues with my bovine differential
soon caused another problem.

[Richard] That's me.
That's me boiling over.

Chaps, I am boiling over.

[Jeremy] Crikey.
It's like John in Mongolia.

After I'd finally
conquered the hill,

Hammond topped up with
some precious Scottish water.

And wondering how Frank
Cannon ever solved anything,

we resumed our journey
through the city center.

[Jeremy] Oh, God above. You
see what's ahead of us here?

Yep. Right.

Mm, that is a bit
bum-squeaky there, Clarkson.

[man speaking indistinctly]

How close am I to that wall?

About that.

[Jeremy] Um,
right, I'm going to admit,

my car's a little bit
too big for Edinburgh.

I think we can put this down

to Edinburgh's fault
rather than the cars.

[Jeremy] No chance.

What if... we temporarily
move this bin?

[grunts and groans]

So if I back up now...

- If you back up now...
- Yes.

...you can swing around,
you can just push...

- Mine's boiling!
- Oh, sh... It is.

[James] Oh dear, oh dear.

[Richard] Oh, no.

[Jeremy] It's singing
the song of death.

[Richard] Oh. Oh.

[radiator humming loudly]

Stand back.

[hums the same note
as Richard's car radiator]

[Jeremy] Leaving Hammond to
scour Scotland for more water,

I squeezed through the gap

and went off to get
us all a zesty drink.

Wooph.

Right. All right,
what's happened here, is my door

is stopping my door opening.

How's that happened?
Why is it doing this to me?

How did Frank Cannon get in? I
can't get in. [grunts and groans]

[woman laughing]

Smooth. [groans]

Beautiful.

Yeah, it was because we...
It wasn't blocking the step...

Yeah, but that was... It
was further along that way.

- Was it?
- That was further back and this was... Yeah...

I think the other one
was in front of this one.

- Oh, just put it that way and...
- It was.

How am I gonna...

I can't...

Oh, sh...

The whole end has come off.

[sighs]

Having established
that American cars

do have some issues in city centers,

we headed back
to a three-lane highway.

Whoa! Cool bridge
with mist. Look at that!

And soon we arrived at the
location for our second test.

Scotland's Nurburgring.

It's Brickyard, it's Monza.

The fearsome Knockhill.

The idea is very simple.

We shall use a Scottish car to set
a benchmark time round the track

and then we'll try and b*at it in
our two-door V sports coupes.

The only problem we have is
which Scottish car shall we use?

The rear-engine -style Imp?

The Talbot? The Avenger?

The AC three-liter ME?
Or perhaps the little Scamp?

It's a smorgasbord of excellence,
that is. It really is.

After much head-scratching,
we settled on the hot Hillman.

And strapped an old friend
into the driving seat.

Right, here we go. It's a flying
lap. This is what we're timing.

What we've got here is
a . -liter big-valve engine.

Lowered front suspension, heavy-duty
rear suspension, horsepowers.

Top speed? miles an hour.

[James] It needs more gears.

- It does!
- [laughter]

Yeah, I'd say... I'd say
that's what it's lacking.

That is the cream of Scottish
excellence in the s.

Here she comes.

Abbie crossed the line
with a time of : . .

And then, with the stopwatch reset,

I unleashed my slab
of Detroit heavy metal.

Building up to cross
the start-finish line,

I'm hoping,
at about miles an hour.

Didn't make it.
Sixty-eight. That'll do.

Turning in now.

Oh, Christ.

Oh, I've fallen onto the
passenger seat slightly there.

That's one of the... Oh, heavens!

I'm now...

I'm now rolling through there.

Oh, no, I may have just slightly
gone off. But I'm back on again.

Oh, no, my seat has collapsed.

Whoa!

A lot of... A lot of lock.

Come on. Speed! Now and power.

! That was nearly !

After this festival
of roll and understeer,

we figured James' . -liter
Cadillac would be faster.

However...

[chuckling] Come on!

I can't believe an engine
this big can bog down.

[Jeremy] This issue, coupled with
James' leisurely cornering style...

It says "brake."
I will follow that advice.

...and his legendary
memory for track layout...

What happens here?
I can't quite remember.

...didn't result
in the hottest of laps.

Nice.

[Jeremy] So,
with Carroll Shelby's work done,

it was up to the Buick
to make America great again.

Pulling a mighty miles an hour.

And across the line to start.

Let's just roll it in.

[whooping, laughs]

Ooh, quite a lot of understeer.

It looks like an American car in the
movies, which is exactly what I wanted.

Ooh, I've... Yeah.

[Richard] With our laps complete,

it was time to see whether
American firepower

had beaten the Scottish Hillman.

[Jeremy] The time we have to b*at...

- Yes?
- [Jeremy] : . .

Mm-hmm.

- James May...
- Yes?

: . .

Seventeen, seconds slower
than a Hillman Avenger.

And you had...

- nearly seven liters more?
- Yes.

I did it in : . .

- Oh, dear.
- Richard Hammond...

Yes?

...

- ...
- Oh!

...point .

[James] What does that prove?

Well, it's interesting. I thought
mine would be faster than that.

I didn't think mine would be faster.

Well, you weren't
driving very quickly.

Well, it's as quickly
as it would go.

And it's a comfortable...
It's just comfortable.

You've got one dial in your car
which is a speedometer.

- Yes.
- Which is the one thing you don't need.

- [chuckles]
- Yes.

Well, so the car doesn't need it.

[Richard] Not interested
in that one!

But what I find funny,

it is the first track I think
you've ever driven around

extensively and not hit anything.

- [James] Yes!
- God, I didn't.

And your car is the correct
way up. I think we can all...

- Thank you.
- We can all applaud that.

Ladies and gentlemen,
Richard Hammond.

Many years we've done this
and... I'm delighted to...

Normally, a paramedic would
now be cutting off his trousers...

- [Richard] Yeah.
- ...and he'd be going to the hospital...

- [imitates ambulance]
- I'd be on the phone to his wife,

- "Hi, Mindy. Yeah, I know, I..."
- Again.

- "He's done it again."
- [phone pings]

Oh.

A text from Mr. Wilman.

Um... "Apparently there's
some kind of virus going round."

- Oh, no, so...
- Well, where's he been?

Somebody's let him see a
newspaper again, haven't they?

[Jeremy laughs]

It is dangerous
when he reads the news.

Oh...

"You are not able to
stay in a hotel this evening.

I have therefore found you
alternative accommodation at the track."

Where?

Oh, dear...

[Richard] It might be fun,
a bit of caravanning.

[Jeremy] Once we'd settled in,

we sat down to a traditional Scottish
dinner prepared by our resident chef.

- [Richard] What is it?
- [James] Pork chop. That's...

- What's that there?
- That's peas.

What's this?

That's a carrot... I think.

- Well, thank you very much...
- What, a deep-fried carrot?

- Yes.
- This isn't a carrot!

It's a sausage!

Oh, it's... Oh,
maybe it is a sausage.

There was a sausage
in there somewhere.

[muffled] Mm. All right, isn't it?

I can feel myself getting healthier.

- Mm.
- Yeah

- My heart is saying "thank you."
- What are the peas like?

- The peas?
- Well, the...

It's a... It's a unit of peas.

[Richard] Oh, yeah.

Well, it makes it
a lot easier to eat.

- It does. Peas are so difficult to eat...
- Peas fall off, yeah.

...but when you
deep-fry them like this...

It brings out
the sweetness of the peas.

[Jeremy] After dinner was over
and we'd been sick,

we decided to watch some
motorsport on Mr. Wilman's laptop.

How many has he ordered?
Ooh, that's never gonna fit.

Then... Have you noticed? This
is his keyboard, Mr. Wilman's.

Look at the A, worn down, the N

and the L.

Maybe he's been emailing
his friend Alan a lot.

[laughs]

Right!

[Jeremy] Anyway, I know a
lot of people watching will think

that it was stupid to put
our big Yank tanks,

um, on a European circuit
against a European car.

Obviously the European car
was gonna be faster.

- Not so...
- There is history with this.

There is. And actually,
the marvelous thing is,

at Goodwood race track,
they still run races using the cars...

- Yeah. And look at it...
- [Jeremy] ...from the ' s. And here we go.

There's every different
type of car here.

You've got the big Studebaker there.

[James] That's a heavy thing.

[Jeremy] That's a Ford Galaxy.

And then you've got a Lotus Cortina.

Two Lotus Cortinas.
You've got Minis.

And the racing is just breathtaking.

[Richard] Look at it!

[Jeremy] Look at that four-wheel
drift in the Lotus Cortina.

So those Lotus Cortinas,
they had horsepower?

- [Richard] Yeah.
- [Jeremy] What did the Galaxy have?

Four hundred
and twenty-five! [chuckles]

[Jeremy] Four hundred and twenty-five?
And you can see plain as day.

There we go. Ready.

[Richard] He's just coming up
against this great slab of Galaxy.

- "Can I get through?"
- [Jeremy] And it is... "No, I can't."

[Richard] Look at it go! He's gone!

[Jeremy] He's just gone
'cause he's got more power.

[Richard] And then he closes up
again 'cause there's another corner.

"Right, I'm gonna have another
go. I'm gonna keep scrapping."

And then as soon as
it opens out, he's gone.

- [Jeremy] And then now...
- [Richard] Just solid gone.

Look, American cars,
is what I'm trying to say,

American cars like ours aren't

- necessarily slower...
- No.

[Jeremy] ...round a track
than European cars,

'cause they're faster
on the straight.

[all] Oh!

[Richard] There's a
Mini! There's a Mini!

That's about horsepower,
that's all he's got!

[all laugh]

That is a Terrier at a Doberman.
horsepower versus !

Look, there he goes again.
Yeah, and a wave, yeah!

- He's actually waving to him.
- [laughs]

[Jeremy] The next morning
we were told

that due to the COVID issues,

we'd have to take
our caravans with us.

So, while a man fitted the towbars,

we set about making them
as stylish as our cars.

What I've done to
bring out and enhance

the Americanness of my rig
is turn my caravan into...

well, the most American and
the only cool caravan ever built.

It's an Airstream.

Look at that! Yeah!

I've gone for the low-rider look.

This is a sleek rig.
It is big, though.

One foot longer than a
London bus. But less sporty.

You got to admit,
it's pretty retro-brilliant.

No, it looks like a caravan covered
in tin foil for no obvious reason.

He really is a deluded little man,
isn't he?

Now, I've had
the best idea here, viewers,

because the problem with
caravans is that they are unsightly.

They all park together in a field.

They're all a load of white boxes.

It looks like a load of Tupperware.

So, I've painted mine black
and white and given it an udder.

[laughs]

It does indeed have "a" udder!

[laughs]

With our massive crew convoy
bringing up the rear,

we soldiered on through the
constant Caledonian downpour.

Uh, can we stop for fuel soon?
I'm getting a bit low.

Um, I don't know how
you used it up on the track,

but yes, we shall find
"an" petrol station.

Oh, this has got very Scottish!

Oh, it's... it's really cold,
really cold now.

[Richard] Yeah.

[Jeremy] Having established
he'd been doing

a polar-bear-friendly
eight miles to the gallon,

James announced it was time
for his morning ablutions,

which meant he had to
put his car in the car park.

I need to go that way with that arm.

That one goes that way,
or something like that.

[Jeremy] What is he doing?

How has he managed
to get it so far... [laughs]

In his defense,
it is quite a tight car park.

Having decided that was good enough,

James went off to do his business.

And we settled down
to our customary wait.

I lose about an hour a day
waiting for him to have his...

Got time for a roast dinner, mate.

By the time he's read The Telegraph,
done the crossword.

And if he does the crossword.

Yeah, I'd say you've got an hour.

What?

This is brilliant.

[pants]

[Jeremy] Why do they use
such long hoses in fire engines?

Well, in case the fire's
a long way away.

[grunts with exertion]

Right. [grunts]

Oh, this is...
[squeals with excitement]

We could always tell him
that the roof seal

- was leaking.
- [Jeremy] Yes.

Yes.

[Jeremy] If you've just joined us,

it's a difficult story to unpack.

Right now he's
probably on three-down.

You know when they used to
shout "Scramble!" in the w*r?

- Yes.
- No.

Oh, can you imagine if he was

- a Hurricane pilot?
- No.

[Jeremy] I reckon
you're about there, Hammond.

[pants with exertion]

We assumed James wouldn't discover
our mischief until he drove off.

However, we didn't
have to wait that long.

[laughing]

[chuckling] He's got to be cross!

[James] Jesus!

[Jeremy] The roof light
was open on your caravan.

- [Richard] Yeah.
- [James] You're so funny.

Well, while I admire your
ingenuity and your application,

that was a low blow
on a day like this.

I was already wet. And you could
have taken my personal effects out.

Isn't it funny how three people can have
very different views of the same thing?

I thought it was a really good idea.

Mm. Same here.

And most of your personal
effects were rubber anyway.

[laughs]

Oh, God, it's dripping water. How
can my windscreen be leaking?

Like I give a toss.

[laughs] Ooh!

[Jeremy] A few miles later,
we turned off the main road,

heading for the remote
center of Scotland

to do some scientific research.

Now, yes, we do like our cars.

They're charismatic
and they're interesting.

And James and Richard
currently own American cars.

They've both got Teslas.

But we are not
suggesting for a minute

that all American cars are good
because they're not.

Some of them are terrible.

And what we're doing now is plunging
deep into the Scottish countryside

to conduct an important experiment,
which is this...

Who made the worst cars,

the Soviet Union or the Americans?

Representing the Soviet Union,
we have the FSO Polonez . ,

the Lada Riva
and the Zastava GTL .

And representing
the United States in America,

we have the Chrysler Voyager,
the Chrysler PT Cruiser,

which is making me feel sick,
and the Pontiac Aztek.

What we're gonna do is
have a race around this field,

us three in the American cars

and three of our most junior, and therefore
expendable, researchers in the Soviet cars.

Rules are simple,

the first one out is the winner.

[James] Hang on, you got that wrong.

What?

It's not the first... "The
first one out is the winner"?

- That doesn't make sense.
- Yes, it does.

[Jeremy] No, there's no motor race in
history where the first one out won it.

No, we're trying
to find the worst car.

The worst car will be
the first one to conk out.

- Oh.
- Oh, no, actually...

- [Richard] Yeah.
- He's got a point, hasn't he?

[James] Then the loser
is the winner.

- Yes.
- [James] Got it.

- [Jeremy] Right.
- Good.

[Richard] And so,
under a blanket of light drizzle,

the Cold w*r sh**t began.

This, viewers,
is the world's first minivan, in fact.

But the most important thing
you need to know about it

is that in the Euro NCAP
Frontal Collision Test,

it scored... Where's
the gear stick? Zero.

[Jeremy] The only people who
bought these Cruisers were those people

that you find in offices with
a sign on their desk saying,

"You don't have to be mad
to work here, but it helps."

I've got a . -liter V ,
brake horsepower.

And that's the end of the good news.

Everything else about
this car is disgusting.

At its launch in ,
they unveiled the first car

and the audience
gasped and then laughed!

When Walter White in Breaking
Badwas given one of these to drive,

the car was as carefully cast
as the actor.

They wanted to show him as a loser.

And nothing says "loser"
better than a Pontiac Aztek.

Ha-ha! Lada!

[James] I then decided
that to win this race

I'd have to hit other cars,
and hope I came off worst.

Here I go.

Oh, sh*t! Didn't quite do it.

And soon, my colleagues
had the same idea.

Have some of this.

Hammond trying to
smash the Aztek up.

It's impossible to tell,
such is the styling.

I must somehow ram into the Aztek

in such a way, I break my own car.

Here it comes!
It's an accident! Here it is!

[laughing]

[Jeremy] Oh, no,
the PT Cruiser is alive!

[Jeremy] I continued throwing
myself at the heavy Aztek

until I achieved the exact
opposite of what I wanted.

[Richard] Oh! Oh! It d*ed. Uh-oh.

It is, I believe,
quite definitely on fire now.

Gentlemen, we may have a winner.

[Jeremy] Oh, no. No!

[Richard] Yes!

Yes!

[Jeremy] It then became a fight
to the death for second place.

[James] Little commie bastard!

[Jeremy] Target acquired.

Accident!

And soon, I got
the wrong result again.

No!

No!

He's broken. [groans]

[blows raspberry]
That was a bad one.

[Jeremy] Why is
my car still working?

We all know this is the
worst thing ever made by man.

Come on, take me. Take me out.

That FSO is solid.

Yes! That's more like it.

Ooh. That's a big hit.

But yet again...

Is that the FSO down?
The FSO down and out?

This is a disaster!

And to make things worse...

[James] No, May cocks it up.

[Jeremy] Now just James
and I were left.

The two Chryslers fighting it
out for the honor of last place.

Both cars were now too damaged
to catch one another.

So it was a case
of waiting to see...

who would die first.

Break! Break!

Catch fire! Roll over!
I don't care! Just break!

That bonger is the
temperature. I'm down on power.

Yes, I'm boiling.

I think I'm boiling over. Any
minute now, the engine will seize.

[James] I seem
to have lost third gear,

which was the most
useful one round here.

Now the gear changes.
No, I think I've had it.

No! But my... Look at my
temperature gauge! No!

No, it can't be.
No, I won't have this.

Are you out or are you
just making it up?

No, I'm out.

[Jeremy] No, it's... I wanted
this to be the worst car.

- Yes.
- And it says

that this has actually come last.

It's the sixth worst car ever made.

Hang on, is that the...
I forgot the rules.

- Yes, that's the way it is.
- Yes, you've won, so you've lost.

I know. I'm still running,
therefore I've lost. But look at that...

[Jeremy] Rather than spend an
hour re-explaining the rules to James,

we declared the Aztek the winner,

and with Hammond navigating,
set off back to the A .

Right, we're looking
for a bloody big road.

[Jeremy] However,
before we even realized we were lost,

my Lincoln started to do
what the PT Cruiser wouldn't.

Why is my engine...

I'm misfiring badly now
going up this hill.

Come on.

Come on, car, please.

[Jeremy] We therefore
pulled into a farmyard

so I could make some repairs.

I'm gonna have a look
at my carb-u-rettor.

As I broke out
my extensive tool kit,

James went off to put the kettle on.

- A cup of tea?
- Thank you.

Would you like a... What?

- That's very nice.
- I've gotta say...

Would you like a soft biscuit?

- ...that works.
- It does.

What works?

[Richard] Well, exactly.

[James] Oh! That's my caravan.

That's so much better.

[Jeremy] Eventually,
my repairs were complete.

Broken.

Oh,
that could keep you occupied for hours.

Why won't it go on?
That's ridiculous.

The last thing I knew
was I was in my s.

- Yeah.
- Late s, admittedly.

And then suddenly, I'm
standing in a field still watching...

How's this possible?

[laughs]

Ah, this is brilliant.

- Yeah!
- [Richard] Ah! Wow!

What a sense of achievement.

- [Jeremy] Now, the next thing is...
- [Richard] Where do we go.

- [Jeremy] No mobile phone signal.
- No.

We've gotta find the A .

- Mm. Mm.
- It...

One thing you can't do in
Scotland is navigate using the sun.

- No.
- No.

[Richard] You can't
navigate by clouds, they move.

How about getting...

[Jeremy] Having decided
to go for that option,

I had a couple of small accidents.

Oh, God.

[Jeremy] But soon,
we were back on the move,

with Pathfinder Hammond
once again on point.

Any minute now,
there'll be a T-junction,

and then a... a small
road rather than a track,

and then a big road.

Then, all of that didn't happen.

There's a hole.

Hammond's just brought us on a
rally special stage by the looks of it.

Ow! Ow! Ow!

[Richard] Is this the A ?

[Jeremy] No.

No speed cameras on it. That's
how you know it's not the A .

Oh! No! sh*t.

What?

[James chuckling]
I'm sorry! That was hilarious!

[Jeremy] So, ladies and gentlemen,
what is missing from this picture?

It was just epic!

I've never seen anything like it!

- What, the towbar's come off?
- Yeah.

The towbar has come off.

[Richard] Oh, dear. That's...

[Jeremy] If you put that in a Tom
and Jerry cartoon, it would be absurd.

- [laughs]
- What if that had happened on the A ?

Well, that, you'd have
there'd have been shouting.

But where am I gonna sleep tonight?

There. That's where your caravan is.

[Jeremy] We decided
to abandon my caravan

and resumed our journey,
behind Richard Blomquist.

So he's driving up a mountain
and he thinks

he's going to find the A
at the top of it, does he?

Oh. Oh.

Good slapper, Hammond.

[Richard] The tail's wagging
the dog a little bit here.

Ooh. Yeah.

Oh! Oh, dear, oh, dear,
something's gone wrong.

Um...

Ooh.

- [Jeremy] Were you driving too quickly on a gravel track?
- [Richard] Yes.

I can't help it. Gravel track...

Well, if you undo yourself...

Yeah, he's done that.

- Are you... Are you undone?
- Yeah.

So that... Yeah.

If you get yourself out, Hammond...

- [Richard] Yeah? Ooh. No!
- [Jeremy] There you go.

[Richard] No!

[Jeremy] Oh, that's worked.

[Richard] Well, I've unhitched it.

You're... you're free...
Your car will get out now.

It's stuck.

[Richard chuckling] It's
sitting on the fuel t*nk! Look!

So here's the situation, we've
got one caravan left and it's soggy.

Damp, yes, very.

We aren't allowed to stay in a hotel,
even if we could find one.

[James] Which we won't.

[Jeremy] Mm.

What if... we stay in a castle?

There isn't a rule that says you
can't stay in a castle, is there?

But there isn't a castle.

Well, we're in Scotland.
There'll be one in meters.

It doesn't require... There are...

And they're all empty 'cause nobody's
allowed to use their second homes.

And castles are always second homes.

Unless you're part
of the Royal Family.

The fact is,
you could be onto something.

All we've gotta do is find a castle.

Find a castle.

[James] With that decided,

we got Hammond out of the ditch...

...and went in search of a castle.

[Jeremy] James May,
I never thought I'd say this to you,

but your udder has come off.

[James] Don't ever
say that to me again.

[Jeremy] The terrain was very rough.

[James] Bollocks.

[Jeremy] What the hell?

[Richard] Oh, brilliant.

I've done some damage underneath.

[Jeremy] But mercifully,
after just two miles...

we did find what
we were looking for.

Yeah. This is ideal.

[Jeremy] We settled down for
the night in someone else's castle,

and the next morning,
having admired their view,

James scuttled off to the kitchen
to deploy his cooking skills again.

It's a deconstructed and
deep-fried kedgeree, in effect.

So you have a kipper,
a rice ball and an egg.

All deep-fried?

All deep-fried. Enjoy.

I am intrigued.

[Jeremy] Um... marvelous.
Well done, you.

Now, our job on this mission,
as you know,

was... Mm.

Mm-hmm.

- Mm.
- What?

Well, it's... interesting flavors.

That's challenging.

[James] The kipper's
good, though, isn't it?

I like kippers and I like batter.

Yeah, I love kippers. I love batter.

I also like marshmallow
and a nice pencil.

- [Jeremy laughs]
- [James] Yeah.

But I don't want them all
in one big congealed lump.

[Jeremy] Now, I've been thinking.

Our job on this was not
to steal somebody's house...

[clears throat] and deep-fry
everything we could find.

Um...

it was to work out why American cars

- haven't... or never caught on.
- Yes.

This scale of not
catching on... in the s,

we in the UK bought
nine-and-a-few thousand... [sniffs]

US-built cars, nine-and-a-bit
thousand, okay?

We bought , Soviet-made cars.

A big contributor to the
success of Soviet cars in Britain

was the, uh,
People's Republic of South Yorkshire.

Well, it was. It was mainly
where people bought Ladas.

Yeah.

[Jeremy] And what have
we established so far?

That we like our cars...

I love my car.

[Jeremy] Love them,
but they are flawed.

- Quite big.
- Very, very, very big.

Yeah, quite difficult to
maneuver in many parts of Britain.

Yes. And yours is very unreliable.

It's flamboyant.

But that's our cars.
We've also established

that slightly smaller cars,
such as the PT Cruiser...

[clears throat]
and the Aztek and so on,

the worst cars, amongst
the worst cars ever made.

Hateful garbage.

But here's the thing,
we must never forget

America also made
some absolute corkers.

[rock music playing]

[Jeremy] Inspired by
this back catalogue,

we chose our favorite muscle cars,

and then used them
to go for something else

that America populized.

A pizza.

But you... I still say
you can have pineapple on it.

- You can't.
- With ham.

- No, you can't have.
- A Sloppy Giuseppe,

- that's what you have to have...
- No, with ham.

- Ooh, God!
- No, no pineapple...

I've just remembered something.

You know my mate, John?

Everyone calls him Tramp.

He's invited us

for a perfectly straightforward
sh**ting weekend.

When?

Well, we've gotta
be there in minutes.

What? Pizza Express to Tramp's
in minutes? That's not possible.

Or is it?

There have been a great many
fabulous muscle cars over the years,

but this is my favorite,
the Mustang.

The Mustang was the
fastest-selling car of all time.

A record that's never been beaten.

They sold , on the first day!

This particular example, the GT ,

built in ,

and I cannot think of
any car that suits the mood

of the moment more perfectly.

Color television has just arrived.

The Apollo space program
was just beginning.

We were all listening to Sgt. Pepper
and Fleetwood Mac and Jimi Hendrix.

But in America, the family man
could buy a seven-liter Mustang!

This, viewers, is a
Chevrolet Camaro Z/ .

It was Chevrolet's
response to the Mustang,

which they thought was a bit slabby.

So they came up with
something more curvaceous.

This muscle car feels
particularly agricultural.

We imagine that the
Americans didn't realize that.

But I think they did.

I think they knew and they just thought,
"Well, sod it. It's a laugh."

That's what was great
about America in those days.

Optimism, hope,
unashamed consumption.

Britain, of course, saw the Mustang

and all the cars it inspired,
such as this one, and thought,

"Yeah, we'll have a go at that,"

and gave us the Capri,

which was available
with a . -liter engine.

Why were we so meek?

The Dodge Charger,

one of my all-time favorite
cars and one of the greats.

Specifically this
second-generation version

ofBullitt andDukes of Hazzard fame.

I mean, just look at it,
it screams "legend."

The Charger was aimed
at young people specifically,

which today would mean
"make it so small and bland

as to be invisible and give it the
engine from a pencil sharpener."

Back then it meant
"give it a huge V ,

bonnet scoops and flared haunches."

They were fun!

[James] Uh, what is a perfectly
straightforward sh**ting weekend anyway?

I've no idea.

I don't think anyone
in the world knows

what a perfectly straightforward
sh**ting weekend is.

They're all different.

Uh-oh. Chaps?

Yes?

- d*ed.
- [car backfires]

- [loud bang]
- Oh!

[James] Hammond, do you mind
not doing that? I've had a heart att*ck.

It turned out that
a detached brake caliper

had broken the wheel,
which had jammed the gearbox,

and that caused
the engine to explode.

But since the clock was running,

Jeremy and I had to leave Britain's
unluckiest driver and press on.

This is ridiculous.

It's like driving to Barnard Castle
to see if your eyesight works.

[vehicle beeping]

[Jeremy] But despite this,
we did make it

from Pizza Express
to Tramp's in minutes.

We've made it. We have made it.

Oh, yes.

But while we'd made it on time,

there was a problem.

I'm not sure
we're blending in terribly well

on this perfectly straightforward
sh**ting weekend.

Well... [sighs] It could be worse.

- [James] Oh.
- [Jeremy laughs]

What are you wearing?

Yeah, I know, I...
I've overdone this.

I am sweating with embarrassment.

Well, you're lucky. After what
happened in Argentina, I can't sweat.

- Really?
- No.

- You can't sweat?
- No, not a thing.

This was inspired by
my car. It's misled me.

[phone pings]

A text from Mr. Wilman.

A long one.

"You have finally
uncovered the main problem

with owning an American car
in Europe, it's embarrassing."

Mm. [laughs]

We don't blend.

It is a bit.

It doesn't fit.

"But if there was a community
where American car enthusiasts

could live side by side with
people who shared their passion,

it wouldn't be embarrassing.

So I've created a small town
in the Outer Hebrides

where people can do just that.

And that's where you're headed now."

- So, yes, no, what he's...
- You can actually...

he's thinking a bit like a sort of a
drug-dependency support group.

You go there knowing that
everybody else is like you.

Exactly, every... 'Cause
you obviously turn up here,

cars like this, as we've just done.


Bollocks, isn't it?

People go, "God above, Darren,
Gary and Kevin are here."

But if there was a community...

We'll be amongst our own kind.

You could say, "Can I get a burger?"

Yeah. You can have
cheese on everything.

- And a strawberry on your laundry...
- Yes, strawberry.

- [in American accent] A strawberry.
- You could actually say...

And nobody will look at you
because they're all doing it.

- Everyone is in the same boat.
- It's brilliant.

Well done, Mr. Wilman.

That's not a bad idea, actually.

That's... hmm, yes,
that's inspired...

And I've just...
I've just thought...

If we're going to this island
where everything's American

and everybody drives
an American car,

why don't we make
our cars more American?

I know your Cadillac is as American
as an eagle made of cheese,

but make it more American.

We'll modify them,
and then we'll arrive on the island

in very American cars.

He will be so happy.

I can only think of an
eagle made of cheese now.

[chortles]

[Jeremy] Two days later,

we set off on a -mile journey

to Mr. Wilman's Hebridean island
in our newly modified cars.

Let me talk you
through what I've done.

I focused initially
on repairing things.

I've repaired the windscreen
wiper as best I can.

I've used waterless coolant to try
and solve the overheating problems.

And then... Well, if you
look closely at the front here,

I fitted the massive supercharger

you can see sticking
out of the bonnet.

Gains about
horsepower from that.

[exclaims]

And having done the
supercharger at that end,

I needed something
visually to balance it

to make it a cohesive whole.

So I fitted the Plymouth Road
Runner-style wing at the back.

[chuckles maniacally]

Hello, viewers. I've turned
my Cadillac Coupe DeVille

into a low-ri-der.

Three inches lower at the front.

It's two inches lower at the back,

courtesy of heavy-duty
Land Rover Defender springs.

A two-and-a-half-inch
straight-through side-mounted exhaust.

Now, this was already
a very cool, very relaxed car.

It's now even cooler and relaxeder.

- [thud]
- Uh-oh.

I may have overdone
the lowering a bit.

This thing is now wearing white-letter
heavy-duty boots and it's worked well.

I've also addressed my power
issues by fitting nitrous injection.

It's perfectly straightforward.

Instead of mixing the petrol with ordinary
air before it goes into the engine,

it's mixed with a blend
of nitrogen and oxygen.

Let's try it out. Engage
system with toggle switch.

Prime the t*nk.

f*ring...

That makes no diff... Why does
that not make any difference at all?

[clicks switch]

[James] Did you make other
modifications to the fuel system

apart from putting
the nitrous bottle in?

[Jeremy] Yes, I did.

[James] What did you do?

Many things.

He hasn't done it, has he?

Did you alter the timing?

[Jeremy] I advanced it.

[laughs]

What would happen if I hadn't
done anything to the timing

- or anything like that?
- [laughs]

[James] I think...

Yeah, you'd have
made the mixture lean

and you'd probably melt the pistons.

Well, I'll get a grandstand view
of the expl*si*n from back here

if I can see it round
my supercharger.

See around it? Is your supercharger
actually in the way, then?

Um, only in...
in certain directions.

Um, if I look forwards,
for instance, yes, it...

it blocks the view.

[laughs] He can't see!

Later, I discovered another issue that
had been caused by the modifications.

[tire squeals]

That's my tire.

[tire squealing]

[laughs]

The sound of my tires
catching on the bodywork.

[laughs]

I've really cocked
this up, haven't I?

We continued our journey north,

against the ever-familiar
backdrop of Scotland's weather.

God really did mess up
with Scotland, didn't he,

'cause, "Oh, look at that.
It's my best work.

And now it's gonna rain constantly."

[Richard] Yeah, he made
something really rather beautiful

and then covered it with a tatty
old sheet in the form of the weather.

It's interesting that
in the Islamic world,

artifacts can't be perfect because
only God is capable of perfection.

But in Christian society,
we like to think that God

introduces some imperfection
and flaws into the world

lest we should be blinded
and driven mad by its beauty.

James, are your side pipes
putting fumes into the cabin?

He began that by saying,
"It's interesting, isn't it,"

and then proceeded to not be
interesting for the next ten minutes.

Eventually, though, the rain eased,

which meant we could
enjoy a lovely view

while Hammond mended his car.

- [James] What up?
- [Richard] That's a split fuel t*nk.

I don't think there's
any denying that.

Could you make it to
that village down there?

- Probably.
- 'Cause they'll have a petrol t*nk welding center,

- I'm sure of it.
- Mm.

It's quite difficult
to weld a petrol t*nk.

You've gotta be
very careful with that.

[Richard] I need to find
something that I can gum it up with.

[Jeremy] Sticky tape? Duct tape?

Well, it's an interesting
proposition

'cause petrol dissolves
most adhesives. So...

Yes, James, it's
an interesting proposition.

Meanwhile, my car's
life blood is draining away.

[Jeremy] Having solved the
problem with some of my nicotine gum,

we stopped looking at
the view and drove into it.

[folk music playing]

I really do like this car.
I like the way it looks now.

I always like the way it looks. Now
I like the way it looks even more.

It's supremely comfortable
and it's got a Cartier clock,

which is absolutely beautiful.

It moves me, that clock,
moves me with its beauty.

[Jeremy] How many cars have we
ever kept from our television shows?

Uh... Well I... well,
I kept Oliver, the Opel Kadett.

I've kept the Alfa,
the Bentley and the Excellent.

I've only kept my beach buggy.

Not many, then,
out of all the hundreds.

I think I know what you're
thinking now.

I really want this
Lincoln in my life.

[Richard] I do not want to
give up my Riviera. I love it.

[James] What about the Cadillac?

Well, I will admit it may have, yes,

got under my skin a bit
and I may actually love it,

especially now it's a low-rider.

[Jeremy] As the light faded,
we found the nearest castle to stay in.

And that night, Hammond and I

decided to replace
James' missing wheel spat.

And the next morning,
he was very grateful.

[James screaming] Clarkson!

That's a particularly
shoddy piece of work.

[Richard] Whoa, whoa, wait a minute!

Two American stars
on your American car...

- Exactly.
- ...that is an enhanced spat.

[James] But you could have
made an effort to make it fit.

I mean, what are these...

Just... You've just driven

ugly cross-headed self-tapping
screws into my Cadillac.

It's fixed, though.

[Jeremy] As we continued to head
for Mr. Wilman's American island,

we came across
an important piece of road

for the nation's car enthusiasts.

Right, this is Britain's
Stelvio Pass,

the Applecross.

That's what it's called.

This is an opportunity to find out

how our cars will manage
on an alpine road.

Science is about to happen.

[Richard] I'm with you.
A scientific experiment, yes.

Right, here we go.

[grinding]

Gawd streuth. Oh.

Yeah, that... that...
that is a problem.

Um... I can't see through the
windscreen because it mists up.

And on the other side,
the windscreen wiper isn't working.

But even if I could see
through the windscreen,

on the other side of it is the
supercharger, which is dominating the view.

Impossible to see...

Yeah...

This specific American car
is struggling a little bit

with this specific bit of the UK.

All right, coming up
to this hairpin bend.

Preparing myself mentally
for the challenge.

And here we go.

And... braking nicely.

[screeching]

She's round!

[James] Quite a lot of mist.

Oh, dear.

[car horn honks]

What?

How have we ended up driving
on the other side of the road?

[tires screech]

[laughs]

We're about to drive into a cloud.

[Jeremy] Eventually,
we reached the top of the pass,

got out to look
at the famous view...

...and then set off back down again.

It... Oh, sh...
I've gone off the road.

Oh, there we go. Now... [exclaims]

Yeah. When I thought this morning,

"Let's go up that switchback mountain
road in our two-door V coupes,"

it didn't look like this in my head.

I should have known
when I put a duffel coat on.

You don't see a Formula
driver getting into his car

in a duffel coat, do you?

Later that day,
we reached the Isle of Skye.

And having crossed that, we boarded
a ferry to the island of North Uist.

And once we were underway, we engaged
in some light automotive philosophy.

You know, the funny thing is...

when you see someone
driving an American car in Britain,

you know everything about them.

You know that Tr*mp
makes them plump,

they've got a Confederate
flag in the garage...

- Yeah.
- ...they only drink Bud.

When you see someone driving a Fiat,

you don't think, "Well,
I bet he waves his arms around

and has a weird relationship
with his mother."

Or someone in a Volvo,
you don't think,

"Oh, I bet he gets naked
and then rolls around

in the snow with his neighbors."

- Exactly.
- But that's what I mean,

you don't make assumptions
based on the car's nationality at all.

No, you don't, you don't.
But with an American car...

- [James] You do.
- ...you absolutely do.

You're absolutely right
because if, for example...

I mean, let's just
take a hypothetical case,

if you saw a classic Mustang,
say a dark-green one,

and it was being driven
by Richard Hammond,

all you can see is his face just
sticking up above the steering wheel,

but you'd still think,
"I bet he's wearing cowboy boots."

And he is.
The only thing he doesn't do

that he should as
an American car enthusiast

is play golf.

Yeah. Pfft!

What do you mean, "Yeeah"?

Yeah.

- "Yeeah, yeeah."
- Have you got something you'd like to share?

My name's Richard Hammond and I've taken
up golf recently. I've been having lessons.

- Seriously?
- Yeah.

I bought a set of golf clubs
and I've been having lessons,

twice a week
at my local golf course.

Why have you taken up golf?

My mates seemed to be
really enjoying it.

So I went round
with them and I tried it.

And it was really,
really h... it's hard.

- It's, like, honestly, it's really hard...
- I'm not interested.

And so then I've had lessons.

I was having quite an interesting...

thought process there
about American cars

and now suddenly,
my day's been ruined.

Somebody I've actually enjoyed
working with for the last years,

it turns out, is weird.

[Richard] Fortunately, the conversation
was interrupted at this point

because we had reached
the extraordinary island

of North Uist.

We are on an Outer Hebrides.

So the next island along
is where Mr. Wilman

has built his community
for American car enthusiasts.

[Richard] I'm excited
by this idea of a...

a place where we can go in our
American cars and not be embarrassed.

It is like nudists.

They wanna run around
with no clothes on,

but you can't do that where
everybody else is wearing clothes.

You'd feel silly.

So they go amongst
like-minded people

where everyone's doing the same.

Eventually, we reached the shoreline

on the far side of the island.

Ooh, I say,
that's rather beautiful. Look at that.

[James] That is
mighty pretty, isn't it?

What the bloody hell's that lot?

What is it?

[James] I'm wondering if it's some
sort of temporary stage or seating.

It's plastic
in the sea, is what it is.

- It is a lot of plastic.
- I mean, look at it.

Well, maybe they re-use it
when there's no COVID

- and they have folk music on the beach.
- Guys?

- It's all washed up...
- What?

I had a text from Wilman.

Right, so, that

is the island where
he's built the community.

And I'm guessing that spiky thing

over there is part of it.
Can you see that?

[Richard] What, over there?

- [Jeremy] Yeah.
- [Richard] Wow.

But to get to the island,
we have to build a bridge out of that.

[James] Is it like a
pontoony-type thing, do you think?

I'm just thinking they're full of air,
so they look floaty.

Well, it's not gonna
hold a car up, is it?

I don't know, maybe if you
have enough of them, it would.

- [Richard] So those...
- [Jeremy] So these ones

- are already joined together, look...
- [Richard] Yeah, look, that's...

Yeah, that's... that's what
these... Look, that's one of these.

[James] Yeah, they're screws.

[Richard] They screw together.

[Jeremy] That's my idea of hell.

[Richard] Oh, it's
a giant construction set!

Jeremy, it's like your birthday
and Christmas all at once!

So is that wider...
I mean, how much wider

than the car does it need to be?

Out of how many of these we got.

And out... we've gotta
go a long bloody way!

All the cars
are six-foot-seven wide.

Two, three, four, five,
six, seven, eight, nine.

- Just under ten foot.
- So your feet are foot?

Uh, I don't know.

[Jeremy] I, meanwhile,
was more interested in

what this community would look like.

I'm guessing that...

[Richard] It...

[Jeremy] No, I'm trying
to think what there'll be.

There'll be a motel,

and in every room
there'll be two beds

that are far too big,
burgundy bedspreads.

There will be a sports bar
with hundreds of screens

all showing something slightly
different but not very different.

[Richard] Everybody will
talk to you in the lift.

- Elevator. I like that.
- [Jeremy] Yes, they will...

[in American accent]
"Good to know you."

That's what they say
when you get out of a lift.

[Richard] Yeah,
they say good morning...

You... you... how... You don't know me,
you've just met me,

- "Good to meet you"?
- I like that, you have a conversation.

[Jeremy] But that's
'cause you're American.

[Jeremy] We got stuck
into the work...

[Richard] Captain Nurk, going in.

That must be the doer-upperer.

[Jeremy] ...pausing only for
James and I to have an argument.

That isn't going to work.

It is. I've done
a calculation, roughly.

Maths, James,
has no bearing on the sea.

- Of course it does.
- Do you think it'll work?

- No. Not really.
- [laughs]

[Jeremy] Going down.

Going down.

[Jeremy] Oh, God.
Right, that is secured.

[Richard] Good.

[Jeremy] You pissed
in your own Wellingtons.

Yes.

This is very manly, this, isn't it?

- [Jeremy] This?
- [Richard] Yeah.

[Jeremy] I know.

[Jeremy] On the third morning
of our endeavors,

we'd reached the point where we
needed to borrow a boat from a local.

[indistinct mumbling]

Okay, here's the situation.
Um, we've built this bit here.

Hammond is going to
bring the boat around here.

And we're now going to tow it to
the end of what we've already built

where we can attach our new section.

[Jeremy] It was a simple plan,
but then it turned out

that Hammond had never
used an outboard motor.

Uh... uh...

Pull the cord.

Where's the cord? Oh.

It's in the top of the en... There.

- Pull it...
- I got it.

It works!

How do I make it move?

Twist the thing... There you go!

HMS Hammond is underway.

Argh!

In your own time. Quick as you like.

Are you ready?

Job one, tie on.

Right, perfect.

Now, pull me along.

Go, go. Power.

[Jeremy laughs]

Oh, give me strength.

You pulled the bloody
fishing-rod holder off...

[Richard] I didn't tie it
to the fishing rod.

Why did you tie it to the fishing...

[Jeremy] I didn't tie it to the
fishing rod, you blithering idiot.

Right, are you ready?
We're setting off.

Ooh-ho!

[Jeremy] Hammond's gone
upside down again.

[laughs]

[James] What the f... Oh, jeez.
How has he done...

[Jeremy laughing]

[Richard shouting indistinctly]

[Jeremy] I'll pull you in.

[Jeremy] Weirdly, none of
the other locals

would lend us a boat after that.

So, we had to drag the new
section into place by hand.

Look at this, I'm moving
meters of bridge

all by myself.

- Water's really slippery, isn't it?
- Yeah.

Ready? Look at that for docking.

There you go.

[Jeremy] Work continued
for the rest of the day...

Ugh. Now, I need to pull
this corner in, don't we?

No, there's...

[Jeremy] ...until,
by late afternoon,

our arrow-straight
bridge was finished.

And since James was the only
one of us who thought it would work,

Hammond and I decided
he should go first.

[engine revving]

Ts and Ps good.

What is the chance

- of him making it...
- Minimal, I'd say.

...across there? Negligible.

[James whimpers]

Oh, my God, the road
is floating in front of me.

[Richard] Oh, my God,
look how it moves!

[Jeremy] It's actually sinking
as he drives along.

Jeez. That is weird.

All right, chaps, I'm not gonna
lie to you, this feels a bit perilous.

That's -feet
of water he's driving...

- In a Cadillac.
- ...over.

I know it's deep. It was deep enough

- to swallow my boat.
- It was.

[thud]

[James] sh*t.

I think my exhaust may
be dragging on the floor.

Agh!

Now I'm crashing into my own bridge.

- Oh, I think his ex...
- Oh.

I think he's grounding
out where it dips.

[engine revs]

Oh, this is hilarious.

I don't think you'll be
able to see this, viewers,

but on that side of the car,
the wheels have collapsed,

each of them, one of these elements.

So I'm now against chocks.

And the... the other side of that

is that the exhaust
is now down on the ground

and the end of the exhaust
is wedged in one of the joins.

So it's completely stuck.

There is a solution, but I don't
know you'll be prepared to do it.

What is it?

Well, you go and help him out.

That would mean four tons
of American land yacht

on the same bit
of plastic in the ocean.

Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.

[Jeremy] But since James was now

a huge burgundy obstacle to our success,
there was nothing for it.

Power, increase speed.

Oh, sh*t. The back
of the car's dipping.

God, I'm completely... I'm arse
down. I can hardly see a thing.

I can see Thunderbird II
approaching.

Air...

[hisses]

Working.

You're gonna have to give me a
fairly hefty shove and keep going.

Right, James May, here I come.

[thuds]

[engine revving]

That didn't work.
Let's try something else.

I'm gonna back up, yes?

And then I'll create a wash.

Yes?

When the wash lifts the
back of your car up, hoof it.

Here it comes, here it comes.

- [engine revving]
- [Jeremy] Go, go, go.

[James] Bollocks and arse.

Hammond, could you come
and offer some assistance here?

Right, I think I'm on.

I'd like to be able to see a
bit more than I can see now.

Ah! Oh, God.

I do not wanna go
in that water again.

[Jeremy] Amazingly, the world's
most accident-prone driver

made it without incident.

[Richard] Jeremy, I'm here now.
Can I help?

[Jeremy] Hammond,
I've had a brilliant idea.

[Richard] Go on.

If we both drove
at him at high speed

and then braked to create the wash,

that might be enough
to lift him up and on.

Or double the stresses
and break the bridge.

But it's our only sh*t, isn't it?

Okay, I'm up for it.
You tell me when.

Okay, this is really...
This requires precision driving.

[James] I am ready.

Hammond, are you ready?

[Richard] I am ready.

[engine starts]

[engine starts]

[engine sputters]

My car won't start.

Oh, God.

What?

Sit rep, I am the meat
in an incompetent sandwich.

[engine starts]

It's all right, it's started.

[Jeremy] Right, gentlemen,
we are ready back here.

In three, two, one... now.

Braking... now!

Go, go, go.

[Richard] Yes!

[Jeremy] It worked.
It bloody worked.

[whooping]

[James] Very good. Thank you.

[Richard] Oh, I say!
My people have recognized me!

[Jeremy]
I think Mr. Wilman's done that.

[Richard] Yeah, he has.

I can't wait to see our commune.

What we're looking for is an
American-style town, I imagine.

That's like Oklahoma. Look at that.

Cows.

That's a remarkable journey,
all the way across Scotland,

all the way across Skye,
all the way across...

[James] I'm gonna have to stop.

I've got the warning
lights on and everything.

Something's going wrong.
My car smell...

[Jeremy] James, we're literally...

[James] No, I know,
but I don't want to fail

yards from our commune.

I want to arrive in glory.
So just give me a few minutes.

[Jeremy] How's he managed
to break it on the last yards?

What a blithering idiot he is.

I can't open the hood.

[blows raspberries]

[Jeremy] Um, Hammond,
I've had an idea.

There's literally nothing
we can do to help him

so let's go and have a look at
that spiky building over there.

Glad to.

Onwards.

[engine sputters]

Oh, God, you're joking. It can't be.

[Richard] Uh, it won't start.

So both of them have broken down.

One hundred yards
from the finish line.

Right, well, um, let's think.

Mine will.

And has. There it is.

After a short drive,

I arrived at our commune.

Crikey. Mr. Wilman's been busy.

Look at that!

Laser Quest. Multiplex.

Look at this, a sports bar!

And G on my mobile.
How's that possible?

Weird.

Is that an MG?

What's that doing here?

Evening, barman. I'll have three
pints of Budweiser with cheese, please.

Eventually, I was joined
by my colleagues.

- Gentlemen! Gentlemen!
- Ooh!

- Your beers await.
- Aah! Ho-ho! And there it is!

Wait, wait, wait, wait. Pause.
Just savor the moment.

Yeah, I know what you mean.

Budweiser! There you are!

Do you know, they only had Tsingtao?

- Really?
- Yeah.

Well, MGD?

No, only Tsingtao.

Anyway, look,
let's get something to eat.

[Richard] Yes, food.

Food, in this. Look, I'm in st...

I... I can't believe
Mr. Wilman's made this.

I've totally come...
I've totally come home.

My Buick Riviera is parked outside

- and I'm in here!
- Yeah, I know!

- Everything is good!
- It's staggering, isn't it?

And I fancy...

surf and turf? No, wait...

[in American accent] Monterey
Jack. I want some Monterey Jack.

[Jeremy] What?

[Richard] Chaps, um, it's not...
It's not just the menu.

Nothing in here feels quite right.

That is weird.

Do you know, this place has
only been open, what, a week?

And already, every
single thing in here

is Chinese.

And on that terrible
disappointment it's time to end.

We will be back.

We don't know where,
we don't know when, but we will.

And we will see you then.
Thank you so much for watching.

Goodbye.

[theme music playing]
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