03x01 - All's Fairbell

[bunniefuu]

Geoffrey Quinn, you're under arrest

for soliciting a prost*tute.

My girlfriend is a prost*tute.

Will you marry me?

- Yes, yes.
- Yes?

I'm gonna spend some time on Abbey.

Well, it's as good a time as any
to fake my own death.

The next mayor of our great city...

- Hi, I'm Gil Nash.
- That dude is a monster.

He wants to tax
a woman's menstrual cycle.

Then after Captain Dipshit

runs Smoot into the ground...

You get your corner unit.
I get my condo.

The mayor just called me.

He just made me the new principal.

What?

Hello? Anybody?

I'm not gonna make it.

He's not gonna make it.
He is gonna make it.

No, he's not. He has to.

I'm dead.

Why does he have to be a hero?

How can this be happening?

- Come on, Fairbell!
- Come back to us, Fairbell!

- He's not coming.
- Come out, little buddy!

He's not coming. Who are we kidding?!

Come on, little buddy.

4 minutes and 31 seconds!

Uh, Principal Fairbell?

Uh, Coach Principal Fairbell.

Who are all these people?
We didn't call any medics.

That's our drama club.
They're crisis acting.

All right, look,

I'm glad you're doing all
of these fire-safety drills,

but I think you nailed it
after the first three times.

But this time the floor was lava,

just in case a volcano erupts.

Now, if you'll all excuse me,

there's something
I've been meaning to do.

- Oh.
- Oh!

It is so cool of Fairbell

to just drive around the city after work

and pick all this food up.

I mean, why would restaurants
just throw this stuff away?

- That's so wasteful.
- It was a day old.

Oh, my God. I'm getting so full.

It makes me mad
when people are wasteful.

I don't even eat all this stuff.

No. Ohh. Oh, God.

My problem is portion control.

I'm just gonna go right out and say it.

I think Fairbell is the best
principal we've ever had.

Amen. He's really turned
this place around. Mmm!

And it doesn't hurt to have a
little moron friend at the top.

- Oh, all right!
- Preach it, girl.

I've been so busy planning
this wedding with Jade.

It's nice to be able to come
to school and just relax.

How's that going, by the way?

Ugh! You'd think it would be easier

to find a priest willing

to marry a prost*tute and a teacher,

but I guess Jesus was the only
Christian as woke as me,

- you know?
- Well, you know what?

You should feel blessed.

Tampa and I have
this new baby on the way,

but, thankfully, Fairbell's been
giving me plenty of time to...

Did you just touch me?
No, I didn't touch you.

You just touched me. No!

I think your gross ponytail
just brushed you again.

Oh, geez. I'm sorry.
I didn't mean to att*ck you.

Hey, I've been meaning to ask you.

Did they just give you the iguana t*nk

with that ponytail,

or do you have to pay for it
on an installment plan?

A bunch of reasonable...

I already told you both.

When Tampa and I were separated,
she dated a bad boy. Hmm.

So if she wants a bad boy,

I'm gonna give her the baddest of boys.

Stop! Don't touch it!

I think Tampa just wants you
to be a responsible father,

- Sylvester Sta-pone.
- Yeah, Pone Jett.

I'm not gonna take relationship ribbing

from someone who cyber-felates
an imaginary friend.

Excuse me. Me and my anonymous pen pal

do not engage in e-sex.

Ooh, that sounds super-healthy.

Dude, check it out. New guy.

Oh, my God. Look at that outfit.

- A blazer... What is he, Canadian?
- No way.

- That's Upper Peninsula of Michigan.
- Totally.

Look at the confusion on his rube face.

It's got "U.P." written all over it.

- Oh, yeah.
- Oh, my God. He looked over here.

- Oh! Oh! Whoop.
- 100%.

- Did he see? Did he see?
- Mnh-mnh.

Great pack run.

- Get to class.
- Bell's here.

Good morning, Smoot faculty.

Good morning, Coach Principal Fairbell.

Never get tired of hearing that.

- Yeah.
- Hey.

This morning, it gives me great pleasure

to introduce Smoot's
new guidance counselor,

Steve Sweeney.

Now, I'm not exactly sure

what it is a guidance counselor does,

but Tammy has assured me

that he's gonna help
our kids get into...

I have a cheat sheet here.

Just pretend I'm not reading this.

"He's gonna help our students
get into collage."

Get into collages.

- Oh.
- Hmm.

College.

Uh, no, this is a high school.

Well, thank you, Principal Fairbell.

Ah! Coach Principal Fairbell.

Okay.

Hi, everybody.

My wife, Deborah, and I
are new to the Denver area.

Uh, she just left Lipton

to take a position
at Terrestrial Seasonings.

So I guess you could say
we didn't want to leave,

but we couldn't turn down
a good opportuni-tea.

Ugh!

Wordplay.

Anyway, great being here.

The hell was that?

- Ugh.
- Ugh.

Hey, my three number ones.

- Hey, hey, hey.
- Oh, yeah, hey.

Tammy said you wanted to talk to me?

Right. Yes.

Fairbell, as you know,
today is Arbor Day.

- Yeah.
- It is?

And we're all such
huge fans of conifers.

- Or any deciduous tree, I'm very into.
- I love her so much.

Yeah, all of that.

So we're probably gonna need,
what, half the day off or so

to kind of walk around school property

- and just look at stuff.
- Mm-hmm.

You know, for teaching, of course.

- Makes sense to me.
- Ha! Attaboy, bud!

And, also, remember,
I need you to give the quiz

in my second period
while I'm away, right?

- Sí, señor-ee!
- Close enough.

All right. I got to go meet with Tammy,

but I'll catch you all
on the flippity-flop.

- Attaboy, buddy!
- See you later.

Go get 'em today, huh?

"Any deciduous tree"? You hot dogger.

Excuse me, but, um,
isn't Arbor Day in April?

And also, uh, conifers aren't deciduous.

Hey, fresh fish!
Why don't you mind your own...

Shoemaker! I got this.

Uh, listen, Sweens.
Can I call you "Sweens"?

- Oh, no, I'd rather you not.
- Listen, Sweens.

Fairbell's kind of one of our crew.

So we like to mess with him
a little bit.

You get it. He's one of the g*ng.

- There's no harm.
- No. We always appreciate

when you U.P. Michigan folks stop by.

Yeah.

Hey, why don't you give the boys

down at Burlington Coat Factory
a little hello from me?

Ha! Ha! Ha! Sweet burn!

Don't touch me!

Sorry, no, that was me and my ponytail.

$156.

157.

$789.

790.

Whew! Wow-ee!

We are cookin' with gas!

We are over budget $34.71.

Okay. Hey, what if we do this...

Sweep up all the crumbs
in the cafeteria, use those.

We'll feed every fish in the school.

Punch that in the magic machine.

Ha-ho! All right, now!

That's it! Ha! Ha!

Whoo!

I had my doubts about you as principal,

but we have never, ever had
this budget balanced

so early in the year.

You're doing a great job.

I couldn't have done it
without my right hand.

Oh.

And you, Tammy.

Hey, what time is it?

10:15.

Oh, D-A-M-N.

Tonight's the season opener,

and I'm late for volleyball practice.

Uh, Coach Principal Fairbell,

I know how much
you love your volleyball,

but principals usually
don't pull double duty.

Relax, Tammy. We've got this.

Ooh!

I thought I opened it.

Hmm? Good?

So, my parents want me to go pre-med,

but I'm really into, like,
computer hacking.

Well, computer hacking is illegal,
and it's beneath you.

Your PSAT scores are great.

You should be thinking college.

Although I do see that
you are flunking Spanish I.

You might want to get some
extra help from your teacher.

Well, I tried, but Mr. Payton
always has a sign on his door

that says, "Be back Domingo."

He works on Sundays?

This is just a really bad school.

That's somewhat of a cop-out,
don't you think?

I mean, this place doesn't
seem that bad, does it?

They say that some of the teachers

buried an old woman's body
on school property.

That's just an old legend.
I mean, every school has one.

When I worked at Choate,

everybody said that
the student dorms were haunted.

You know what? It turns out
they were just raccoons.

Spooky raccoon! Ooh!

Yeah, you're right.

I mean, they probably
would have found something

when that bootleg brewery exploded

and the equipment shed exploded.

Well, got to get to English.

Ah, good d*ck joke, Loren. Oh, man.

I got a gift, man. What can I say?

This is nice. Ahh!

I've been so swamped protesting
that fascist Gil Nash,

I haven't had any time to relax.

Well, get used to it, sister.

We got a whole year of this ahead of us.

Mm-hmm. Hmm.

I say we go smoke a joint

on the 50-freaking-yard line.

- Okay!
- Okay?

Okay. Hey, Shoemaker. Huh?

I'm driving to Pueblo in the morning

to go score some
sweet Aerosmith tickets.

You in, brah?

Okay, okay, okay!

Close enough.

- Ohh.
- Oh, man.

- God.
- Ugh!

Oh, hey, I got an idea. Yeah?

Why don't we go tell our
best bud, Principal Fairbell,

that we're not gonna be in
for the rest of the day?

Who's the hot dogger now?

You know what? I'll race you guys there.

- What?
- Oh, totally.

Oh, yeah. You're on. You're on, Abbey!

Ow! You guys were on my ponytail!

Guys, I can't run!

Sorry I'm late.

Ohh! I said sorry, Pam!

Look, I know tonight is the big game,

and I've been so busy
being the alpha dog

that we haven't had time to practice,

but you know what?

- I believe in this team.
- Why?

We've never won a home opener.
We don't have uniforms, and...

You know what? Forget about all that,

because we are gonna practice all day.

We have class.

Well, I happen to know the principal.

I can call in a little favor.

Straight to voicemail.

This guy is impossible to get ahold of.

I'll just tell him
when I see him in the hall.

But as of right now,
you have my undivided attention.

Principal Fairbell.

Just go warm up.

Sorry.

I just wanted to talk to you
about some troubling things

I've been hearing around the school.

- Are you coaching volleyball?
- Uh, I was.

Now I'm being your principal.

Nothing comes between me and my team.

- Not even being principal?
- Uh, it's our first game of the season.

Coach Fairbell! Hey, Fairbell!
Yeah, real quick.

Uh, listen, bummer news.

We were way off about
this Arbor Day thing.

Thank you!

Yeah, turns out it's a whole Arbor Week.

- Mm-hmm.
- Yeah.

So we're gonna go see John Muir

give a lecture at the Arborsetum.

We're gonna need a couple days off.

- Sure.
- John Muir, the famous naturalist?

Yes, John Muir, the famous naturalist.

- Yeah.
- The one and only, yep.

Well, that might be kind of
tough since he d*ed in 1914.

Uh-oh!

Nice catch, Stephen.

If you'll excuse me,
I have a team to coach.

Glad I could save you the trip.

Hmm?

Now you can get back to teaching,

unless you save all your teaching

for Domingos, Mr. Payton.

Okay.

Hey, Lord Payton
teaches in America, bud!

I don't know where "Domingos" is!

Okay, that is twice now.

That guy is gonna Fair-block us
all year long.

I think it's time to teach Forrest Dump

how we do things at Smoot.

Now, you see, that
is good wordplay, okay?

It's... It's fun, it's on the money,

it's not about someone's hair
or something stupid like...

Don't touch it! Stop!

- Ooh!
- Stop it! Stop!

Oh, stop pouting, Gaston!

- Belle will marry you!
- No! Stop it!

What she has with the Beast
means nothing.

Shake out a few drops in there,

and once he gets four or five sips in...

...he realizes.

Loren, we're not peeing
in his tea. Jesus!

Then I'm out of ideas.

All we need to do is find
some dirt on the guy

to hold over his head
so he can't come after us again.

That's good, too.

And I know exactly the person
to do the digging.

What? Is she deaf? What is going...?

Gretchen? Gretchen!

Oh, and you know so much about hacking.

I do know a little about hacking.

- You feel really happy...
- I read half of the book.

- Knowing that you feel like she's...
- Shut up!

All right.

So, what kind of dirt do you have

under those dirty,
little fingernails of yours?

Nothing.

I searched his employment
records, his tax returns.

I even searched the dark web,
and the guy's a Boy Scout.

Well, then, what's on the thumb drive?

His employment records, his tax returns.

The guy's a Boy Scout.

Is she keeping his stuff?

Oh, um, by the way,

I may have let in
the Smoking Devil Virus,

so my bad.

- What's a Smoking Devil Virus?
- Who cares?

I got a new plan. Follow me.

When he laughs like that, it's good.

Yeah! That's what I'm talking about.

Over the net!

Aaaaaaah!

I like that aggression, Pam.

Hey, at this pace, we'll be ready

to hopefully not lose that game tonight.

Coach Principal Fairbell,

you need to get over here right now.

Something is happening
to all the computers.

The devil is everywhere!

Fine. All right.

I have to go be principal again.

The rest of you, keep working
on your spikes, okay?

I'll be back in a jiv-a-diff.

Nice aggression, Pam.

Save it for the net.

Here you go, fellas.
A little sourdough bread.

Ooh! Maybe a little hair?

- Oh, that's a button.
- I really don't want to do this.

I think this is a serious escalation.

Hey, you had your chance.

I just need a few things to help
teach Stephen a real lesson.

Chill out. We did your stupid idea.

- Hey, Trebin.
- Whoa!

- Hey, man.
- Hey, guys!

- Hey, man.
- H-Hi, Abbey.

You're smelling pretty again today.

Uh, gross, Trebin.

Listen, Trebs, we got
a bit of a snitch sitch,

and I need your help showing him

how we handle
that kind of thing at Smoot.

I'm in the g*ng!

Oh, oh, no. I don't know how you got

what you just said from what he said.

Yes. You help us out with this,

and you're an alternate if Abbey dies.

Well, we wouldn't want that to happen.

- Please stop winking.
- Oh, I'm sorry.

I-I have a breadcrumb in my eye.

Okay, here's what I need.

Okay. Oh, you want...

Loren Payton... Maestro,
YA Erotica Author,

Master Baker, DJ?

It's a personalized letterhead.
It's dope as hell.

Turn it over. Turn it over.

Oh, okay.

Ooh, you're in luck!

- I have all of this stuff!
- Great.

I can't believe we're doing this.

It's time to show the Stephens
of the world who's the boss.

Right, Pony Danza?

Ooh! Okay!

The principal just had to call a priest

to fix a bunch of computers.

But I'm back, so let's get this practice

back in the happening.

We should just skip it, Coach.

We don't even have our uniforms.

Oh, right, the uniforms.
I completely forgot.

You know what? I'll just see
if Tammy can pick them up,

'cause I'm not giving up on tonight.

And neither are any of you.

So let's take the court, ladies.

Come on! There's not gonna be
any more interruptions.

- As a coach...
- Fairbell, we need you.

You are not gonna believe this one.

Can't it wait?

Fine.

You know what? This is
the last interruption.

I promise.
These things always come in twos.

I just don't get... Aah, I see you!

Sit it down!

That's what I thought.

It's Pam. She's very good.

You don't have to be
the world's greatest detective

to see what's going on here, do you?

This is clearly a rat trade
gone wrong, so...

Stephen, you got your rat.

Did you not hold up
your end of the bargain?

This is a veiled thr*at.

Oh, this is not veiled anymore.

Well, I want something done about this.

Your friends did this.

- Now, come on!
- No, they didn't!

- That is outrageous.
- Friends?

They were upset because
I blew their attempt

at ditching school this morning.

Also...

- Oh, my...
- Personalized letterhead.

I'm a sucker for a good mall kiosk.

Fairbell, this is low, even for them.

You got to do something.

Did Trebin give you guys that rat?

- Fairbell!
- I'm not saying!

Sorry. Okay, detention duty
all next week!

- What?!
- Dude! Are you serious?

She said I had to do something.

Thank you.

And now, if you'll excuse me, Maestro,

I have to go wash my hands.

Yeah, why don't you go wash
your nose while you're at it?

And I have to get back to my team.

Oh, speaking of team, Tammy,

would you mind picking up our uniforms?

I've been too busy with
this rat-trading nonsense,

I don't have time to do anything.

- Sure, sure. Go on. Get on out of here.
- Thank you.

Fairbell is turning this school around.

I swear, if you three do
anything else to mess that up...

- We are not messing it up!
- We are not mess...

- Us three is not doing that!
- That guy!

Any more bullshit,

and I'm gonna tie your dicks together

and throw you over a power line.

Well, I feel like I have to be honest.

I do not have the length for that.

Oh, I hate you!

Well, I think it's my turn now.

Time to tear Mr. Holland a new opus.

All right, well, you're up,
hot sh*t. Let's do it.

Oh, my God! It touched my lip!

God, it's so salty, Shoemaker!
Oh, my God! Are you okay?

Hey, Sweens, wait up. Wait up, man.

You stay away from me.

- Come on, bud.
- Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey.

I feel like we got off
on the wrong foot.

- Yeah.
- The wrong foot?

You stuck a dead rat to my wall!

You're still hung up about all that?

Come on, man.

Oh, wow, is... is this your, uh...

Is this your Miata?

Yeah, it is.

- Wow!
- Wow, nice, man.

- You like Miatas?
- I love Miatas.

Ferrari of the Ozarks, I always say.

I saw this candy-red doll,
and I said to myself,

"Mama Miata. I gotta have me
some of that-a."

Now, that is good wordplay.

- Man, that's fun.
- Yeah.

- That is a lot of fun.
- Thank you.

- One minute, Coach.
- Okay, thank you. Got it.

We'll... We'll be out there,
dressed appropriately.

Okay, it's game time. You know what?

Tammy is going to be here
with those uniforms. I know it.

So in the meantime, mentally,

let's just start kicking
some Chatwood A-S-S-E-S-S.

They're going to destroy us, Coach.

I know! I know!

I just wish we had more time.

Is it true that "Miata"
is Italian for "clitoris"?

I've never heard that.

Really? I saw a meme that was
very convincing other...

Guys, guys, I think we should
keep our voices down.

- Oh, right.
- It's unsafe to be here this late.

This is Denver. There are no bad
neighborhoods here.

You happen to be standing
in one right now, bud.

Some people refer to
this part as Sucktown.

- Sucktown?
- 100%.

Earlier today, I saw
two dudes right over there

with their dicks tied together.

And they were strung up
over a telephone wire.

You know what that means.

Yeah, that is classic
bad-neighborhood sign.

Mm, big time.

And... And they're attacking
teachers too, now.

- Oh, everybody gets a turn.
- Really? Well, I'll watch out.

A while back, cartels showed up.

- Ohh.
- Wild stuff.

Ohh, I remember that day.

Oof. Can't...

- Ohh!
- Ohh!

- Oh!
- Oh, my...

My wish came true!

What else do I want?

I wish I had a cowboy hat
full of pudding.

Ohh! Pam!

- This is insane!
- My car!

Why is the power out?!

And who is this?

Yes! Who is this masked man...

who acted completely alone?

Uh, 'tis I, a friendly
neighborhood jogger.

I was b*rned as a child.
I was a preco...

- It's Shoemaker!
- What?!

- Whoa!
- Whoa!

Shoemaker?! That was you
the whole time?!

And I would have got away with it

if it weren't for Tammy and that
pesky muscle car!

- They tried to as*ault me!
- That's a little much.

- Who? Who's "they"?
- I mean, come on.

I was out twirling a baton, you know,

free from the judgment of my face.

Okay, I'm calling force majeure.

We're rescheduling the match
for next Friday.

Yes!

Which is actually better for me,

because I only get
to see my daughter now,

you know, every other weekend

'cause my wife is the... Ex-wife...

It still feels so weird
to say, you know?

Okay. Okay, Chip.

Hmm.

I think I know what's
actually going on here,

and I want to see
all of you in my office.

Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. You two!

- Okay?
- That's right.

That's pretty sad. Crushing my buzz.

Well, Fairbell, I think
you learned something today.

Part of being principal
is making the hard choices.

You're right, Tammy.
I did learn something today.

I learned that I can't be afraid
of f*ring people anymore.

So...

It's time that I made the hardest choice

I've ever had to make.

It's probably long overdue,
but it's time to fire...

Principal Fairbell.

- What?!
- What?!

- What?!
- Are you serious?

You're f*ring yourself?

- Are you kidding me?
- Nope.

These three knew that my team

was not ready for the big game tonight.

So they did everything in their power

to make sure it got postponed.

And that is some best-friend stuff.

What about the dead rat
that they stuck to my wall,

or trying to Tonya Harding me?

Actually, Jeff Gillooly
was more the mastermind.

And you, sir, are no Nancy Kerrigan!

She was a thoroughbred, okay?

And just as graceful
off the ice, honestly.

- A real ambassador for...
- Who cares?

I think Oksana Baiul probably
cares. That's who.

Yeah, if she could crawl out
of the bottle long enough.

- Oh, she got sober.
- Did she?

- What?!
- Yeah.

- Shut up!
- Oh, what a gazelle.

Anybody with half a brain
would have fired these three.

Well, luckily for them,

I don't have half a brain.

Fairbell, you have to fire them.

No can do, Tammy.

I don't have the authority anymore.

And, frankly, neither does
anyone in this room.

They tried to b*at me
with a child's baton,

and you're f*ring yourself.
This is just insane.

Oh, you may have won today,

but it's a long school year.

And nice hair, Pone of Arc.

Now, that is good wordplay.

It's not that good of wordplay.

You already did the Joan-to-Pone thing.

Yeah, but he had his own take on it.

Get out!

Aah!

I'll take an Epsom salt bath.

Score one for the good guys.

And you're paying for my car!

Pedestrians have the right of way!

Are you sure about this?

I'm a volleyball coach, Tammy, okay?

Through and through.

Ooh, I've never had to tell anyone

that they were fired before.

I guess it's best just to rip
it off like a Band-Aid, huh?

Ugh, of course I would get a call

during the most important call
of my life.

Oh, my God.