03x05 - Escapegoats

[bunniefuu]

You know the best
part about planning days?

All the bathrooms are empty.
No prying noses.

The best part about
planning day is the quiet.

Shh!

Why is everyone staring at us?

Probably 'cause Loren looks
like a dead Blues Brother.

Okay, everyone! Raise your hand
if you love curve balls!

Great, because Steven
had a great idea that,

instead of using the day
to craft boring lesson plans,

we use it for a hip faculty-wide
team-building exercise.

An escape room!

- Ohh.
- I love Jodie Foster.

That's "Panic Room," you dunce.

Um, why do we have to do team building?

I mean, today is for, you know, nothing.

No, I'm sorry. Today is not for nothing.

We need to team build right now.

Quinn, can't we just eat
Saltines and drink Sprite

and watch movies all day?

Please?

- No!
- No. No.

God, I feel awful.
This coffee does nothing!

Okay, so I've taken
the liberty to assign teams,

and you four make up
Team One in Trebin's room.

- What?
- Ohhh.

- Yes!
- Oh, my God.

Tammy, you want to escort them, please?

Mnh-mnh. I'm not doing it.

The sooner you get started,
the sooner you go home.

Oh! Team building is an important thing.

Why didn't you just say that?

It's important that
we galvanize as a group!

Quit wasting my time

I ain't here for you

I'm just putting in work

Till my day is through

Come on, come on, come on.

Whoa, Trebin's room smells like feet.

- Ohh!
- Ugh. Ugh.

The folder that Loren is laying on

contains the first in a series of clues

that will lead you

to the only other key besides this one

that unlocks this door.

It is the only way in or out.

Yes, Tammy, we know how a door works!

I'll be right outside,

so don't even think about cheating.

That laugh is never a good sign.

Okay. Nuts to this.

I'm gonna go home and sleep
on the bathroom floor

for like the next five days.

- Good luck with all this crap.
- Good luck to you.

- Trebin seals his window.
- Oh, come on!

Why... is Trebin afraid of fresh air?

He claims it's a legitimate phobia.

Trebin's room is so cool, you guys.

Check this out. I'm a motorcycle man!

You're gonna gas us!

Hey, hey, hey, hey! No, that's gas!

- Bad Fairbell! Bad! Bad Fairbell!
- Aah! Aah!

Guys, shut up!

Okay. Let's, um, maybe try this, right?

Games are fun.

Games are fun? Wow.

Okay. Clue number one...

"I stand while I'm asleep.
I'm happy, yet always weep.

I touch, but can never feel.

I'm invincible, but never heal.

Who am I?"

- A riddle.
- Okay.

That's so obvious.

"I'll stand while I'm asleep."
Okay, that's a cow.

This is a classic barnyard riddle.

"I'm happy, yet always weep."

That's a chicken... saddest
of all the barnyard birds.

Okay, "I touch, but can never feel."

This is whole a
chicken-versus-the-egg thing,

right?

He can't feel because it's in the egg,

but it can be touched.

It's an egg.

You think it's an egg because
it's a thing you can touch?

- It's pretty obvious.
- Oh, my God. You morons!

- They're Metallica lyrics.
- They're not Metallica lyrics.

Oh, fine. Just an obscure Munich B-side,

but I guess I know jack sh*t, huh?

Okay, and it's not an egg.

We need to start getting cerebral here.

Come on!

Well, the key was not in the egg.

What should we smash next?

Wait, wait, wait, wait.

The key is somewhere in here.

You know what?

That is a legit strategy.

They've got a hunger.
They've got a want.

One of them speaks Spanish.
That's gonna factor in.

Yeah, Team One.

That's a dream team right there.

So, who's on Team Two?

There is no Team Two, Quinn.

We wanted to talk to you
without those four in the room.

Well, why on Earth would you
want to do that?

Because it's about them!

About how the entire faculty...

Hell, the entire community...

Is affected by their utter lack
of professionalism.

They're a cancer, Quinn!
A Miata-destroying,

lunch-lady-manslaughtering cancer!

Okay, but what about the escape room?

There is no escape room!
Did I not make that clear?

- Yes.
- Yes.

Wait, wait.

Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.

Is this an escape room?

No!

- Aaah!
- Geez!

Yeah, I knew it wasn't in that one,
but it's

- just so hard to stop once you start.
- God.

Can you please, please keep it down?

Okay, you have been zero help!

What is wrong with you, anyway?

Nobody knows.

The doctors think it's serious, though.

This is so unfair.

There are supposed to be teams of four.

We have three people
and a human garbage dump,

and one of the people is...

- Me.
- Yes.

You're right.
That's ridiculous, you know?

I mean, what we really have to do

is level the playing... field.

- Hey.
- Hey, buddy.

Do you want to go on a... a mission?

Yes. What is it?

Your mission, should you
choose to accept it...

- Mm-hmm.
- Yes.

- Is to go to my room.
- Yes.

- Find my laptop.
- Yes.

You're gonna go on Bing,
your favorite website...

Yes.

Where you're gonna find
the answer to that riddle.

Yes.

And then bring it back to us

- so we can pretend we solved it.
- Yes.

And we get to go home.

- Yes!
- Yes.

And you're gonna get there
by going through the air ducts.

No! No!

You always make me go in the air ducts!

Yeah, because it's awesome!

I mean, don't you want to go home?

Aren't you getting tired of...

Yeah, I do talk a lot!

And... And look at Loren,
your best friend.

- He's sick!
- So sick!

- I'm dying, Fairbell.
- Dying.

It's time for you to do
some big-boy sh*t.

- Yeah.
- I'll do it!

- Yes.
- Yes!

Okay. Yes.

Hey, hey!

Do you remember what a laptop is?

- The little TV book?
- Yeah!

- Come on. Come on.
- Oh.

Okay, you're not...

You're pulling me backwards,
is what the problem...

Okay. He's not going in.

- God! Keep it down!
- Abbey: Move him right. Move him right.

It burns like fire.

Get over here and help, you assh*le!

Oh, Christ! Fairbell, you're rock hard!

- Give him the clue!
- Give that to me!

Fairbell, catch!

Here we are again.

Duct Tales

Whoo-hoo

Every year, it's Fairbell
having Duct Tales!

- Whoo-hoo
- Shut up!

Just get the damn thing.

- Do you believe this?
- Ohh. Jesus.

What is that?

Oh, nothing. It's a birthmark.

What is that?

You were at Shotgun Eddie's last night.

What's a Shotgun Eddie's?

Oh, Shotgun Eddie's

is that Chlamydia factory
out by the airport

that churns out DUls and bachelor pa...

Bachelor parties.

You had your bachelor party last
night and didn't invite us?!

No, I didn't... Oh, God.

Ohh.

Oh, don't you try
and change the subject!

And those four are the heart
and soul of this school!

Everyone here
has been negatively affected

by those four, including yourself!

We're just asking you
to hear our concerns.

Okay, look, Steven,

if you think it's absolutely
necessary to hear you out,

I will do that.

I doubt anybody wants to speak,

but if you do, a show of hands...

Okay, that ends up... Okay.

That's quite a few hands there.

How about we start
with the positive reviews?

None? Okay.

Well, the coyotes are back.

Just go to Shoemaker's classroom,

find the think box, look up the...

Find some duct bread!

Score!

Yeah!

Oh, too good for me, duct bread?!

Get back here, bread!

Get back here, you rascal bread!

Oh! Hello? Duct bread?

I know you're in here.

Ooh. Olly olly oxen free!

No.

You!

Those four were more detrimental

to last year's wrestling season

than the ringworm outbreak of 2006!

They mock me constantly for my IBS.

I can't help it. My body's broken.

They stuck a dead rat to my wall!

They're worthless piles of sh*t!

Two other people have
already said exactly that,

so how about we only have
new ideas in here?

Hey, here's an idea... Fire them!

- Yes. Yes.
- Yes.

Okay. Thank you very much, Steven,

I say sarcastically.

You see, what they have

is merely a feisty energy about them.

Okay, you know what?

Trying to break my leg
in the parking lot

is not feisty energy... It's as*ault!

- Yeah.
- Yeah. Uh-huh!

Christmas! Three lawsuits pending.

Yes! Homecoming, six lawsuits pending!

- Yes!
- Yes!

That's a lot of lawsuits.

That's cool to some people. All right?

What I'm hearing here

is that they just need
a little bit of guidance,

and who better to provide
that guidance, Counselor?

I wonder, says Principal...

also sarcastically, as I'm fully aware

who should be providing the guidance.

Are we done here?

Let's get that escape room started!

- There is no escape room.
- God!

Shotgun Eddie's Bachelor Bunker
only holds eight people.

We were at capacity!

Oh, I didn't realize that you
were having your bachelor party

in 1990, pre-Bachelor Bunker expansion!

All right, the truth is
I couldn't invite you guys.

My college friends would have
ragged on you all night.

I couldn't subject you to that!

So you didn't invite us because
you're embarrassed of us?

Yeah, that's what I've been saying.

You know, I would just like to stress

that I would not have gone
had I been invited,

but I would have at least appreciated

the opportunity to reject you!

That's just common courtesy, Loren!

You know, you're never
too embarrassed of us

to hang out with us at work.

That's 'cause we're work friends, Abbey!

You don't see the worker bees

fraternizing with the queen
outside of the hive, do you?

You are not the queen
bee, that's for sure!

- No, that is not worth it!
- I am definitely the queen. #QueenBee.

- You are not the queen!
- sh*t.

Well, it's about time!

Did you get the answers?

I need to get the hell away
from these two!

Oh, no, we two have
to get the hell away from you!

I, uh...

I didn't get any answers.

Why are you acting so weird?

The... The man who touched
my swimsuit area

told me not to talk to anybody about it.

Okay, this feels very
"Diff'rent Strokes".

Where's the folder with the clue?

Oh, I must have left it back
in the room with the man

I'm not supposed to be
talking about right now!

- That's awesome.
- Okay, then go get it, Fairbell.

No way! Now I'm totally scared!

I'll go with you, Fairbell,
because I'm a good friend.

Yeah. You know what?
I'll go with them, too,

because I want to meet the sicko

perverted enough to touch Fairbell.

Okay, well, guess what...
I'll go, as well,

because you guys need a queen bee

to guide you through there.

- All right.
- Oh, well... That is ridiculous.

I'm a queen,
and you know that I'm a queen...

- First of all, you're a... No!
- and it eats you alive.

Okay, so far, we've heard
82 fireable offenses.

Ah, ah. Five of those were only alleged.

Okay, 77 confirmed offenses.

And you gave Payton
and Shoemaker each full credit

for the bus fire that they co-started.

Fine, 76.

Why are you suddenly defending them?

I'm the union rep, and I take
care of my fellow teachers.

Ow! Ow!

Ow! Aaah!

Someone spilled coffee back here!

Keep it down, numbnuts.
I'm trying to talk here.

You're just arguing for argument's sake.

You hate them just as much as I do.

Oh, really?

It seems like this is
a personal vendetta with you.

I think the teacher's union

would be very interested
to hear about this.

Well, thank you, Leslie,

for your very much unexpected support.

Let's keep this going.

- Phil, you like them.
- Phil's a confessed Satanist.

I'm an avowed Satanist.
There is nothing to confess.

That's neat.

The Doctors Greene. You guys like them.

- Only one of us likes them.
- Only one of us likes them.

- You got to stop. You!
- You got to stop. You!

You know, is anybody gonna
do something about that?

I was injured on the job,

and I need to speak to
my union representative!

I said pipe down, Slips!

Thank you all for being
such good friends,

but the man said never come back.

Oh, Fairbell, Loren is not your friend.

You're right... He's my best friend.

Oh, really?

Did you know that your best friend

had a bachelor party last night

and didn't invite any of us

because he's so embarrassed of us?

Again, I would not have gone
had I been invited.

Uh, yeah, Bach-Con 18? I was there.

- Wait. You invited Fairbell?
- Yeah.

He said I could come
as long as I didn't drink

and drove the party bus

and didn't talk to anyone
and waited outside.

Oh, so he basically used you

to drive his drunk friends around.

Jealous much?

Loren, stop taking
advantage of Fairbell.

We all take advantage of Fairbell.

I don't take advantage of...
I guess that's not totally true.

- Gross.
- Where's this room already?

Just follow the scariness.

Is this the boiler room?

All right, Fairbell.

Where is this sicko that touched
you in your gymnasium spots?

- Hey, I told you not to come back here!
- Geez!

- Whoa.
- Well, I'll be...

Rod?

See, this is why I can't have company.

So, it turns out that jam band

was an !sis sleeper cell all along.

And so I just sold off
all the instruments I'd stolen,

and I used that
to get back to old Colorado.

I knew I was gonna need a place to stay,

so I came down here for a couple days,

and that... That turned into six weeks.

Mm.

But I like it, though! I like it.

Yeah. Yeah. It's off the grid, you know?

I mean, I'm still checking my e-mails.

Sorry I couldn't make it
to Bach-Con, brother.

You were missed, dude.

It was the party of the century.

- Unbelievable.
- Are you serious?

He said on the way home.

Hey, uh,

what is Terry the Tariff
the mascot doing down here?

Oh! No, no!

That's my sweet gal. That's Delilah.

- That's your girlfriend?
- I mean, we're not into labels.

Are you wearing condoms with it?

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

I mean, she's got a past, I got a past,

and I... you can't raise a kid
in this environment.

Well, we're glad you're back, buddy.

What? Who told you that?

No! No way! I'm not going back! No!

Everybody's stabbing
each other in the back,

labeling each other "work friends."

This is worse than high school.

Yeah. No, I've been listening
to all your bullshit

through the ducts all day.

It's sad.

That's the problem
with the outside world.

Everybody's got to wear a mask.

Oh, come on, Rod. I mean...

No, no, no, no. Let's hear him out.

You know, some people wear masks.

Some people bang them.

You get out, and you never
come back, all right?

For like the fourth time
in my life, I'm happy.

Just let me be the best Rod I can be!

Rod, I got to know...

Did you really touch
Fairbell in his no-no's?

No, I was pushing him back in the vent.

Fairbell, you got to learn
more words to describe stuff.

- This is my swimsuit area.
- Oh, God.

You get out of here and don't
tell anybody I'm down here!

Whatever.

Okay, okay!

I am ashamed that
so many of you feel this way!

We will put it to a vote.

If you decide that the lovable
rascals should be fired,

well, then, that's what I will do.

I will fire them.

I think we all know where Tammy stands.

So, no, while you can't sue
the co-workers themselves

for their misconduct,

you can sue your employer under the
hostile work environment statute.

You want them fired, stand to the left.

If you're against it,
stand to the right.

Okay, you are the last two
that I thought would do this.

Really?

Someone please drag me to the fire side?

What? This is unbelievable!

Are you kidding? We're a family!

Quinn! This isn't a family...
This is a school.

And the faculty wants
a professional work environment

where hard work and dedication
are rewarded

and bad behavior and laziness
are punished.

- No way.
- What? No.

- No, no.
- What are... What are you doing?

Where are you going?

You should have
your priorities in check.

Ugh! Quinn: Got some
flip-flops on the beach today.

Let's do a little recount here.

1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8...

1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7...

Okay, well, we got one more
on the fire side right now.

Tell you what.

We might need to consider adding
an electoral college here.

Quinn!

It's over!

Final question, and then I'll drop it.

- There is no escape room.
- No, there's not an escape room!

At all.

So, you invited a bum

who lives in a boiler room
and boinks a foam mascot,

and you're ashamed of us?

Oh, I'm sorry Rod doesn't have

an anonymous online
relationship like you, Abbey.

That Delilah reminds me of someone.

Julie! The hair.

Oh, shut up, Fairbell!

You're the whole reason
we're even in this mess!

Hey, you leave my number-one

special guy designated driver
out of this!

It's not his fault you're so stupid

you can't figure out the clue.

Oh! We forgot the clue!

Oh, well, that is just great!

You guys screwed it up again!

You're all idiots!

- I'm an idiot?
- Yeah, you're an idiot.

You're the idiot

who's been's trying
to figure out this clue!

Okay. Nobody...

- Ohh!
- Oh, my God. Oh!

Ohh!

Oh, I think I tore one
of my swimsuit parts!

Oh, God.

Look what your fat torso did, Shoemaker!

- Does Trebin have snakes?
- That's a good question.

We should see if we can find some.

No, he doesn't have sn...

That's a gas leak. Gas leak!

- We got to get out.
- Oh, my God.

- Gas leak! Gas leak!
- Oh, my God!

- Ohhh! Aaah!
- Oh!

Put your fingers... plug it up!

- Tammy!
- Tammy! Tammy, come on!

Let us out of here!

We're stuck!

Oho!

Rod! Rod said that he could hear us.

Rod! Rod!

- There's gas!
- Delilah!

- Rod! Rod!
- Rod!

Don't look at me like that, D.

All right?
You know I can't get involved.

- Rod!
- Rod!

You, too? Come on! Ugh!

Yeah, I suppose it's fitting

that we're gonna die here together.

We've been slowly dying
together for years.

I just hope my funeral is as
woke as my wedding was gonna be.

Yeah, I have something
to confess, Loren.

I've always thought you were cool.

Yeah?

Yeah, I-I just always
feel so bad about myself,

I could never bring myself to say it.

Well, I've always thought
your tattoos are cool, man.

Really?

Not the stuff
on the left or below the elbows,

but a couple of the others.

- Yeah, that's valid.
- Do me. Do me.

That's the nicest
thing you've ever said to me.

You know, my feelings were hurt

when you didn't invite me
to your bachelor party.

- No!
- I just wanted to be

accepted by you guys
and feel like I was an equal.

- I do see you as an equal!
- We do!

God, nobody even came to my
bachelor party.

My college friends were a no-show.

- I was totally alone.
- It's true.

Nobody was there, and he made me
promise not to tell anybody.

So now you're just telling everybody?

- You just told everybody!
- Well, it's my bachelor party.

It was the party of the century!

He is so loyal!

I should have just invited
all of you guys.

You're my only real friends.

I'd have gone, okay? I would have gone!

I didn't have anything to do.

I just sat at home with Tampa

and a colicky
Dealin' Dave Chrysler-Jeep-Kia

all night! It was terrible!

Sometimes I think
volleyball's irrelevant,

and I sit in the tub, and I hold
my Discman over the water,

but I don't have the guts to drop it in!

Hey, guys, look. Look.

It's like a little baby's penis.

- So immature.
- It's my d*ck.

I did it. I got a joke.

- Uh-huh.
- Uh-huh.

- Uh-huh. Wow.
- Yep.

You got some minor cuts and bruises,

some dust inhalation,

and just eyeballing it, one torn nut.

Okay, so, uh, what kind of
long-term effects

are we looking at from the gas exposure?

That's compressed air.

Yeah, they turned off
Trebin's gas years ago.

You think they trust that guy with gas?

- Too much.
- Wait. That's just regular air?

- Yeah.
- Yeah.

I take it all back.
I take back everything I said!

Were you guys in the ducts again?

Of course they were.
They were just gonna cheat...

Wait. You've been in there before?

You know what?

There was a reason
you were there, am I correct?

Yeah. There is. There is.
We went up there.

You would not believe what we found.

- No! No, no!
- There was...

We've... What we've found

is that we're all just, uh...

We're all just cheaters.

We cheated.

Isn't that right?

I probably would have worded
it different, but he's right.

And you were all in on this?

We were in it together... like friends.

You happy, Poindexter?

Your little "Escape Room"
ploy really worked.

- What are you talking about?
- There was no escape room.

It was an intervention
to get Quinn to fire you.

We took a vote,
and you all lost by one person.

Okay, well, then, where is Quinn?

Think, Geoffrey.

If I were an escape room clue,
where would I be?

Just a chair.

Wait, it was a trick?
What about that stupid riddle?

God, I told you...
Those were Metallica lyrics.

You don't listen to me at all.

Those are just made-up nonsense words.

- Uh, agree to disagree, Sweens.
- Yeah, there was actual...

- Who do you think knows more?
- Hey! Hey!

We got enough votes to fire you.

So... and I'm so
going to enjoy doing this...

You are...

Not so fast, all right?

- Oh, my God!
- Oh, my God!

Yeah! Yeah, I'm not dead.

I've just been in the basement,
humping stuff.

- Oh.
- Oh.

It's a long story. I just...

First, I-I'd like to cast my vote.

Excuse me, sir,
but this is faculty only.

- Eh, he's faculty.
- Yeah, that figures.

Not anymore.

And the History Department
is full now, so, Steven...

- Typical Julie.
- You're the worst, Julie!

I believe there's a Miata-sized
hole in the lunchroom staff.

- That's totally right.
- Right? What do you say, Rod?

The cafeteria, huh? Is that, uh...

Is that, like, nearby the boiler room?

I have no idea why that's
relevant, but it's close.

Well, it's a short commute.

Yeah, yeah. I'll take it! Yeah. Yeah.

Fantastic! All right.

Lunch Lady Knorr,
how do you cast your vote?

Yeah, they can stay.

- Yes!
- Yeah!

- He can vote?
- Oh, my God.

Hey, so, like, uh, who's hungry, right?

- Oh, my God.
- Ohh.

Please, no.

Dos más cervezas, por favor.

Thank you.

You know what?

As of right now,

I'm gonna consider this
my real bachelor party...

- Aww!
- with my real friends.

Aww! Yeah.

- And the keys, please.
- There you go.

- Thank you.
- Mm-hmm.

Try to have so much fun,
I can hear it outside.

You don't make him sit
in the car all night, do you?

I cr*ck the windows. He's fine.

All right, well...

All right, then. What do we do, huh?

We gonna get a couple
of ladies of ill repute?

Now you are talking.

Yeah, I mean, that is,
I don't want to offend you.

Oh, no, no, no. I'm... I'm cool.

I'm a cool chick.

- Yeah, you are.
- You're into it?

Yeah.

Is there a number we call?

- Can you Postmates a stripper?
- Hey, are you...

Are you guys looking
to have a good time?

Like, you know, like, a good...

Like, a good time?

I know a real nasty broad.

Works cheap, too.

Jesus, Rod.

Don't worry. I'll... I'll introduce you.

No. Uh, Rod, wait. Wait.

Okay, I'm, like, legit worried.

We need to get him to a shrink.

That's definitely a good idea.

- I bet Sweens will talk to him.
- Sweens!

- Oh!
- Problem solved.

He loves... He loves this kind of stuff.

Where is the darn clue?!

Oh, I bet you're back there...

behind the radiator.

Come on!

Aah!

Oh, oh, oh!

Dear Lord.