03x09 - Bad Santas

[bunniefuu]

What are we doing?

It's Christmastime.

Tell me if this stings.

Yeah, it stings.

Good.

Not expired.

So, what happened?

Same as every day.

Tomas and his dumb-ass crew gave me crap

'cause I don't know the language yet.

I just hate it here.

Remember you said
the same thing in Cairo?

And before that, in Athens.

Ten bucks says, by next Christmas,

you and Tomas will be best friends.

- Ow.
- Oh, sorry. That one's deep.

- Ow.
- Okay, just hold still, baby.

Close your eyes.

If you could be

anywhere in the world right now,
where would you want to be?

Armenia.

I liked Armenia.

Okay, so...

picture the mountains above Jermuk.

There's two feet of fresh snow.

You're skiing from hot spring

to hot spring.

There. Done.

Better?

Yeah.

Put on the hat.

What?

Every year. Why?

It's a Cole family tradition.

'Cause some memories

are worth holding on to.

Aw, you blinked.

- Gonna try another one.
- We already did another one.

Why do we have to keep doing this?

Cole family tradition.

Some memories are worth holding on to.

I thought the Cole family tradition

was a phone call each Christmas
from a different w*r zone.

Well...

this is a year of new traditions.

I'm here.

Your mom's engaged.

You're not sorry you're...

not celebrating Christmas
with Andrew's parents, are you?

Are you kidding?

They live on a golf course in San Diego.

That's basically, like,
a retirement community.

Okay, here's the plan.

We're gonna have a Christmas

that makes up
for all the ones that I missed.

It's gonna be the best Christmas ever.

You don't have to say that.

Mom told me to keep my expectations low.

So...

Okay. Well, I'm doubling down.

Best Christmas ever.

Hey, buddy. Cool flippers.

I think Jacques Cousteau's
here to see you.

Hey, Sam.

Are you coming? My dad chucked

a bunch of quarters into the deep end.

Dad, can I go swimming already?

Yeah, of course.

After one more picture.

Here we go.

All right.

I'm loving it, man.

I'm there six weeks,

and they already put me in
charge of tires and brake pads.

It's just a matter of time
before they name you

the third Pep Boy.

Yeah, my parole officer's happy

about it.

Sam and I will be able to move out

of this place pretty soon.

Well, you got to make sure
you come say goodbye first.

We're gonna miss you guys.

Well, it won't be for a while.

I mean, I got to save some more money.

Can't even afford to buy this
guy Christmas gifts right now.

Hey, this is a guy from work.

You mind keeping an eye on Sam for me?

Yeah, 'course.

Did you pack?

How are you getting to the airport?

Uh, I think

- there's a bus from downtown.
- Don't think.

And don't take the bus.

Take a cab. We'll pay for it.

- It's RJ. Look. It's your mother.
- Hi.

- Yup, Dad, we can see him. Yup.
- Say hi.

Well, give it to me when you're done.

- Yeah.
- Oh, RJ,

bring back Costa Rica T-shirts, please.

Hey, did you,

um, print out your boarding pass?

Yeah, yeah. I-I printed
my boarding pass. I'm good.

Don't just open up the e-mail.

- You have to print it.
- He just said he printed it.

Okay, and when is your return flight?

Uh, I don't know. I haven't booked it.

Um, I was gonna do that when I got home.

Okay.

That's-that's a good idea, son.

All right. Love you,
and I will see you tomorrow.

Did you hear that?

The part where you
didn't hand me the phone?

No. The return flight.

He didn't make one. Maybe
he's given up on Costa Rica,

and maybe we can convince him to stay.

Baby, we can't convince RJ
to do anything.

- It is not our job. He is an adu...
- Yes, it is.

- No, it's not.
- It is.

Roger, he's an adult.

But that gives me an idea.

- Hmm?
- We can do a family dinner.

Family dinner? No, we got to go bigger.

I'm thinking a partay.

- A partay?
- Yes.

- Roger, I don't kn...
- With the get down,

- like the kids are doing.
- Oh, my gosh.

- No.
- Uh... Wait, seriously?

A partay for coming home?

- I'm here all the time.
- Yeah, and we'll have

a party for you when you're 35 years old

and married to the guy
that we both approve.

- Thank you.
- In the meantime,

let's make this a night
that RJ remembers.

Okay. Fine.

Fine.

A small party.

- Yes.
- Okay?

Okay. Wh... You act
like I'm gonna go overboard.

Alan,

I heard something downstairs.

Probably just the house settling.

That's not a real thing. Go look.

I'm calling 911.

Screw that.

Sorry, hon,

you're getting
your Christmas present early.

You got me a shotgun for Christmas?

You always return the sweaters.

Nobody move!

Those firearm lessons really paid off.

I mean, who knew?

I'm assuming you have
a permit for that thing.

Yeah, she does. A permit
to splatter a guy

all over our Christmas tree
and soak all the ornaments.

Okay, Doc, let's go.

You've got teeth to straighten.

Are you okay, Roger?

You're very quiet this morning.

Very banter-free.

Yeah, me, I'm good.

Just a little pensive.

You know, thinking about things,
things like...

how hard is it for you to RSVP to a party

to which you were invited?

Roger, did you invite me to a party?

Yeah, don't. It's digital,

which means I know you read it.

I know when you read it.

Early this morning.

Oh. That party.

- Yeah, that party.
- Yeah.

Yeah, I can't make that.

It's my first holiday season with Maya.

So bring her.

There's a space on the RSVP for guests.

Just that one click,

and I get that satisfying ding.

Like that.

Scorsese.

Plus four?!

W... I don't know exactly

who they're gonna be yet.
Is that too many?

You didn't cap off the invite list.

Do you mind if I...

It is my favorite part, but...

yeah.

What is it?

I'm giving you your RSVP.

I'm not gonna be able to make it
to that party, Roger.

Three home invasions in the last month,

and you got him.
How is this not open-and-shut?

You have your dead perp, Lewis Fowler,

and you know who his partner is.

Actually, we don't.
There's a lot of nuances here.

Wait, you saw your dead home
invader conspiring yesterday

at your hotel with an ex-con.

"Conspiring" is a loaded term.

Oscar's a good man.

He is an ex-con

who literally did time
for breaking and entering.

I know the guy.

Our kids are friends.
He's turned his life around.

Huh. And what does your partner think?

He thinks he did it.

But, between us, Roger's
a little preoccupied

with this party he's throwing.

What party?

He didn't invite me.

Well, that's because you and Todd go

to Wyoming every Christmas

- to see his parents.
- I'm sorry, is this Wyoming?

Are we in Wyoming right now?

No.

It's not Wyoming.

Are you okay, Captain?

Everything good with you and Todd?

And now I'm being interrogated
about the status

of my relationship on Christmas Eve?

That's perfect.

Okay.

So we'll, uh, just go
to the motel and talk to Oscar.

Great.

I'll let Roger know
you're in town for the holidays.

Awesome.

Okay.

Ah, Detectives.

It's a pre-Christmas miracle.

Let me guess... you guys heard
about my holiday cookies.

We need to borrow your slab.

What do we got?

Chopped-up body parts.

A jogger found them in Griffith Park.

It's the holidays, so, of course,

Murtaugh and Cole catch a simple case,

and we get to spend
the day putting together

some random guy's bits.

The patriarchy strikes again.

I think we got the better gig.

Come on, guys, we get to make a puzzle

out of body parts.

You're kind of a weirdo,

aren't you?

Hey, you're both going
to Murtaugh's, right?

Any interest in a little pre-game action?

I know this spicy, spicy kombucha joint.

- Zero interest.
- I'm in.

Cool.

All right. I'll text you the details.

Ran out of gloves.

Be right back.

Just so you know, you don't
have to be polite to Scorsese.

You'll want to, you know, shut
him down earlier in the day,

before he gets his hopes up.

Oh, I wasn't gonna shut him down.

I love kombucha.

Everybody does.

But it's Scorsese.

So...

Dude seems interesting.

I keep forgetting that you're new.

Some people have to learn the hard way.

I like the hard way.

Listen, the only reason

I'm letting you guys in here
is 'cause of my respect

and affection for your partner.

Also, we have a warrant.

Well, yeah, you have that, too,

- but a lot of it's 'cause of the respect
- Yeah.

- And affection for your partner.
- For the-for the partner. Yeah.

- Yeah.
- Open the door.

Okay. Yeah, yeah, I can do that.

I've got a magnetic personality.

The Howard Hughes of this place.

I am.

Why don't you and the president

of your fan club get started.

I got to take this.

Hey, baby.

- How you doing?
- Roger,

remember when you said we were
keeping RJ's party small?

Now...

did you order an ice sculpture?

Of course I didn't.

Now, did I

make a call and get a quote

from a guy for a ice sculpture? Uh...

Ah... maybe.

Roger, if you called just to get
a quote, why is the guy here?

With a block of ice and a chisel.

And two DJs, Roger. Really?

Two DJs?!

I don't hear you.

Baby, I'm gonna have to call you back.

Oscar Ripley?

LAPD. We need to ta...

Oh...

Dad? He's not gonna stop.

Roger, don't sh**t!

Oscar, hit the brakes!

Dad, your room.

Don't worry, sweetie.
It's just a little mess,

- we'll clean it all up.
- Get your hands behind your back.

Still gonna be the best Christmas ever.

Dad?

It's not just the room.

It's what was in the room.

Tree, decorations.

I had these little cute dancing elves.

You just wind 'em up, and they're...

Not a single one survived.

Look, I-I'm sorry, man.

I truly am. I panicked.

Not a good look on an innocent man.

I heard about the burglary, all right,

and I knew you saw me talking to Lewis.

I was worried that you would
think I was involved.

Guess what I think now.

Lewis offered me the job, but I said no.

I got Sam to look after now.

Speaking of which...

Found this in your room.

Stolen from a home invasion last week.

Oh, see, I bought that off of Lewis.

I'm just trying
to give Sam a great Christmas,

especially since I've
missed so many already.

I'm not the guy you're looking for, Wes.

Would you please tell Cole
that this is exactly the guy

that we're looking for,
and we want to go home?

Not me. I never want to go home again.

Okay, Mr. Dark and Stormy,
what's going on?

Cole told me that you and Todd

- cancelled your trip.
- Not cancelled. Todd's in Wyoming.

You know, I don't want to talk about it.

Perfect, because I don't like...

I mean, if he wants to be apart
for the holidays, we'll be apart.

Solo. Some people find that peaceful.

They do. And that's
the right attitude. Relax.

All alone in a big, quiet,
empty house, room

after room of...

Okay, look, hey,
you want to come over early

and help me prep for RJ's party?

Oh, God, please, yes.

Okay, yeah.

Can you let me go, man?

Like, just-just for tonight?
I promised Sam

that I-I'd take him
to the parade tomorrow

to meet Santa.

I can't.

Everything's pointing to you right now.

Yeah.

Then can you do this?

Don't let Sam go to some foster family,

not for Christmas, man.

Why can't you get him out?
Dad, you know him.

- He's innocent.
- My dad promised.

He doesn't do the stuff he did before.

I believe him. It's just not
enough to get him out of jail.

Okay, well, what would be enough?

Well, we'd have to find the burglar

who was at the scene to prove it wasn't

Sam's dad, but that's a long sh*t.

What about him?

He's the guy in the car
with my dad's friend yesterday.

While you were swimming?

There was somebody else
in the car with Lewis?

Yeah. We saw him when we
went in to grab snacks.

That looks a lot like Santa, buddy.

It's not Santa, Dad.

We're 12.

You left out the birthmark.

White beard, red cheeks

and a peanut-shaped birthmark.

- Like this.
- Yeah. Just like that.

You said this was gonna be
the best Christmas ever.

Well, I don't want a tree
or wind-up dancing elves.

Find him.

Get Sam's dad out.

All right, just tell me.

I can tell something's wrong.

Ever since I lost the election,

Todd's disappointment has been palpable.

- That does not sound like Todd.
- You'd be surprised.

Hey, hey, we're at party
in minus 50 minutes, people.

Can I get some help here?

Okay, Roger, Brooks is in a crisis.

He needs someone to
listen to him right now.

Well, can we listen
while he dices onions?

It'll help mask his tears.

Roger!

That's probably the photo booth.

He... By the way,
he left early today to do this.

He did.

Ah. I had you down for
a "will not attend."

Plus zero, by the way.

Change of plans. Do you mind

if these guys hang out here for a bit?

Uh, Murtaugh,

this is my best friend Sam.

Hey, Sam. Do you dice vegetables?

Honey. What?

I'm serious.

Maya, come on. Bring your friend in.

Come on.

Thanks for helping my dad.

You got it.

Hey, Oscar's kid... what did he mean?

He gave us a lead. Let's go.

I can't. I got a party. I can't just go.

No problem. Why don't
you tell his kid, then?

I'm sure he'll understand.

All right. What's the lead?

That's not a lead.

That's a kid k*lling time
between French fries.

It's exactly what I thought

until I scoured about a
half-dozen mug books,

and I found this. Calvin Marks.

Armed robbery, as*ault,

home invasion.

Plus, he shared a halfway
house with our DOA, Lewis.

Look at the birthmark.

Yeah.

Okay, we got to be back here
by 8:00, all right?

And I drive. Let's go.

This is the last known address.

Looks like nobody's been here in forever.

Well, this thing is bolted shut.

No one's getting
through that door tonight.

I have a pitch.

We come back tomorrow with some warrants

and heavy machinery.

Hey, Tarzan, where you going?

Looking for another way in.

Hey, Roger, do you believe in miracles?

Come on. You've never heard of...

A fictional character. Get...

See you downstairs.

Come on down, Rog.

Piece of cake.

Roger, what's happening?

Piece of cake?

I'm stuck.

Get me out of here.

All right, all right, settle down.

Come on!

Come on.

Maybe a piece of cake was the problem.

All right, you stay right here.

I'll be right back, buddy.

I'm gonna get some, uh, cooking
spray or something slippery

to get you out of there.

Where you going?! Don't leave me here!

Hey, Roger!

Oh, boy.

Oh! Cole!

Huh.

Cole, where did they go?!

In a surprising turn of events,

it looks like
the front door opens after all.

You know you're not invited
to my party, right?

Roger.

We call the arraignment judge

at home and tell him to spring Oscar

because we have two better suspects.

Except we don't, do we?

No, I mean, technically,
we don't have them.

Technically, that's what we need.

You have no... you have no
perps, you have no evidence.

We have a thumb. A human thumb.

Right. The, uh, missing digit,

which, even if you did have it,
would prove what, again?

I don't know.

But the wrong guy's in jail,
Captain. I'm sure of it.

You're probably right.

But without suspects or evidence,

there is no way he's getting released.

I'm sorry, Cole. Merry Christmas.

We're gonna get him out.

But not tonight.

I did everything I could.

Well, it wasn't enough.

I promised Sam you would
get his Dad out by tomorrow.

Honey, why would you promise him that?

Because I know what it's like

to not have your dad there for Christmas.

I've done it my entire life,
and it sucks.

Maya.

Let her go.

This'll pass.

I don't even have a place
for her to sleep tonight.

Cole, come on. You both will stay here.

You go back to the motel,
get some of your stuff.

She knows you're doing your best.

Maybe.

Deep down, I know she's right.

It's not enough.

How's your body?

The one in the morgue. The one you're...
piecing together.

Has...? You got an ID?

Uh, well, we're up to the waist,
so we know it's a male.

We should have all the DNA by tomorrow.

Mm. Mm. Mm.

But, Cap, what do you think about this?

The Gute and Scorsese... she says

she's having fun with him tonight.

Fun. With Scorsese.

It's easy to misunderstand people.

Wait, what am I misunderstanding?

We're flawed.

We make mistakes,

we push away the people we love.

We're not talking
about Scorsese anymore, are we?

Todd wasn't disappointed in me.

I was disappointed in myself.

I think I've become
difficult to live with.

Okay, you know what?
I'm gonna get you some coffee.

That's probably a good idea.

- Hey.
- Hey.

Uh, Dad, listen... You landed!

Huh? Well, listen, you're a little late,

but you'll make up some time
on the freeway, right?

No, no, I'm-I'm still in, uh, Costa Rica.

Say what? Come again?

Yeah, my-my, uh,

airline ticket got, uh, messed up.

Just a technical glitch.

A glitch? What kind of glitch?

Um, well, they had me...

on a flight for yesterday
and-and not today,

on account of the time zones.

Time zones? It's a one-hour difference.

That's not technical.

It sounds like a human glitch,
one very specific human.

It's RJ.

Fool missed his flight.
This is so typical

- of him.
- Dad, I'm still on the phone.

Well, listen, it'll...
honey, it'll be fine.

When's the next flight out?

Maybe tomorrow, end of the week.

Um...

I'm not sure...
you know, flights are spotty.

Sp... You know what's spotty?
You're spotty!

And flaky!

That's the perfect country for you.

Okay, I-it happens,
and you are not helping.

Yeah, it happens to
this kid, all the time.

We got 40 people downstairs.
What are we supposed

to tell them, you can't make it
to your own party?

A party? Wha... What party?

This is ridiculous.

Do I have to come down there
and fly you back myself?

Wha...? I didn't call you
to get yelled at.

Okay, give me the phone.

RJ, honey, why don't you look into...

You know what?

New rule: you can't go
to another foreign country

until you can read the clock.

Roger, stop it.

I'm serious.

Look, if this is how you're gonna be,

maybe I shouldn't come back at all.

Oh. Well, it's a moot point now,
isn't it?

Because even if you wanted to,

your flight left yesterday!

Hmm! Can you believe that?

He hung up on me.

Oh. I can't believe
it took him that long.

You act like, somehow, this is my fault.

Oh, there is no somehow about it.

Why do you always do that?

Why... do what?

Try to control him.

Give him no margin for error.

RJ is an adult.

Well, then he needs to act like one.

- Hmm.
- He forgets

to register his passport,

then he books the wrong
flight coming back home,

and now, to top it all off,
he's missing his party.

- His party?
- His party.

Hmm.

This is your party.

I wanted a nice dinner with our son.

But I got

an ice sculpture

and 12 gallons of gazpacho.

They had a sale.

And why are you acting like

it's my fault that

- he missed his...
- Missed...

his flight, Roger.

That's all.

You have got to find a new gear for him.

Because if you keep giving RJ
reasons not to come home...

he won't come home.

Come on, we're gonna be late.

Tomas said we decorate
the tree before dinner.

I'm excited, too.

I-I'll see you tomorrow.

We're leaving again, aren't we?

Indonesia.

They've asked me to cover
a separatist uprising.

This is good news.

We're gonna be living on the beach.

When are we going?

They want me there Christmas morning,

so, um...

we leave tonight.

Hey. We're gonna be surfing at sunrise.

I don't care.

We're supposed to have Christmas
with Tomas's family.

I don't want to wake up somewhere new.

So... you'll make new friends.

You know how long it took me
to make these friends?

I don't want to start over.

I know that this is disappointing,

but you have to see the bigger picture.

We have never seen Indonesia,

and it is gonna be awesome.

I promise.

What do I always tell you, huh?

Another adventure awaits.

Dude.

I went to the mat for you, man, but...

owner's real mad about the whole...

car-in-the-hotel thing.

He wants you out.

He called you a chaos magnet.

Yeah. I get that.

I don't.

You didn't drive your car into the wall.

You're the victim here.

Super badass victim.

I mean...

no room at the inn?

On Christmas Eve?

What have we become?

Gus...

don't worry, I'll be fine.

Yeah, but...

where are you gonna go?

Another adventure awaits.

Hey. It's RJ's phone. Say
what's up and I'll hit you back.

Hey-hey! RJ, listen, um...

I know I got a little
carried away last night.

May have scared you off coming home.

I hope not.

I mean, you know, people book
the wrong flights all the time.

I'm sure it's a common mistake.

I just personally don't know
anybody that is dumb enough

to do something...
Wait, that's not what I meant.

Murtaugh, you got a second?

Yeah. How do you delete a voice mail

that you sent to somebody?

You go to Costa Rica
and steal RJ's phone.

Come on.

You need to see this.

Geez.

Looks like a Manson family jigsaw puzzle.

Exactly. You see, this guy gets it.

No, do you notice anything missing?

Here's a hint: the day you
got stuck in a chimney.

I didn't get stuck.

I was descending slowly.

- It was a gentleman's entry.
- Yeah, well,

we all heard what Cole said
he found in a freezer.

His left thumb?

Okay, so, who is this guy?

No. No, no, no, no. Get up. Up.

I don't even like people

sitting on my couch for
extended periods of time.

Sorry, Captain.

I was up late working on the Oscar case.

What are you doing here?

- It's Christmas.
- No, it's not.

Out there, it's Christmas.

But in here, it's just another day.

- Where is that holiday spirit?
- It's in Wyoming.

Well, I have something
that might cheer you up.

I had a little breakthrough last night.

Look at this. The home invasion file?

I read it. It's three random victims.

An orthodontist, a night janitor

and a commercial real estate
agent... no connection.

Wrong. All three of them
used the same parking garage

on Prospect Street. Boom. Breakthrough.

Barely. That's probably where
the crew found their victims.

Let the garage management know
and go find another couch.

I feel like there's more to it than that.

There's some kind of design
with these robberies.

I just can't put my finger on it.

'Cause it's not any finger.

It's your thumb.

The body me and Gute just put together.

It's missing a left thumb?

- Right.
- Well, then it can't be the same.

No, it is the left thumb.
I'm saying he's right.

But he...

- What are we doing?
- Okay, well,

who-whose finger is it? W-Was it?

It's... is Dan Underwood.

He managed the Global Initiative
Currency Exchange on...

Prospect Street.

Prospect and 3rd. It's the
biggest currency exchange

in the state. During the holiday season,

we're talking three to four
million in vault cash.

Those two lunatics from the cabin...

they're hitting that vault.

On Prospect and 3rd?

Could not have picked
a worse day to do it.

Ho, ho, ho!

Are you sure this is okay?

100%. You're with me.

You were promised a Christmas Day parade,

so you're getting a Christmas Day parade.

Hey. It's RJ's phone. Say
what's up and I'll hit you back.

Hey, RJ. Yeah, it's your dad.

Ignore the last three messages.

Uh, just listen to this one.

What-what I've been trying to say is...

RJ, your dad's sorry, he loves you,

he misses you like crazy,

and that's why he's
acting like a jackass.

Hey. Thanks.

I think.

Turns out it's a whole lot easier

to apologize to somebody else's kid.

Now, can we focus, catch some bad guys?

Let's do it.

Huh.

Now, that doesn't seem right, no?

No, it doesn't.

Gentlemen.

What's in the bags?

Were we exchanging

some currency, maybe?

Excuse me. Excuse me.
Pardon me, excuse me.

I'll get that one.

LAPD, stop!

I said stop!

Dad?

Maya, what are you doing here?

Sam wanted to see the parade, so we came.

Sam?

- Where is he?
- Um, he was just with me a second ago.

Sam!

Cole?

Hey, who are you? Let me go!

- Cole! Cole!
- Stay here. Don't move.

Hi! Merry Christmas.

Ooh!

Santa's got a g*n!

He started it.

Cole, help! Cole, help!

Please, let me go!

Cole, help!

Come on, man.

- Let the kid go.
- Back off!

Sam, it's gonna be all right.

No one has to get hurt today.

You want the money? It's yours.

Okay? Just drop the g*n.
We'll walk out of here.

You're gonna let me walk out?

- Just like that?
- Yeah.

Release the kid. I give you my word.

You're full of crap, man!
Get on the ground.

Okay.

Sam...

do you trust me?

Close your eyes.

If you could be anywhere
in the world right now,

where would you be?

Hawaii, with my dad.

I said get on the ground!

On the ground, now.

You're in Hawaii.

You and your dad.

Kapalua Beach.

Bodysurfing in the waves.

Aah!

It's okay, buddy.

You're gonna be okay.

Want to go see your dad?

Thank you.

That was the A.D.A.

All charges were dropped against Oscar.

- He just got released.
- Thank you, Captain.

- I appreciate you making that call.
- Of course.

Almost forgot. This is for you.

What's this?

Well, it's definitely
not a Christmas gift.

Not here, anyway.

Plane ticket.

To... Laramie, Wyoming.

Flight leaves in two hours.

Cole, you didn't have to do this.

Ten years in the CIA,

I've got a truckload of
frequent-flier points.

Really? So is there any
chance we could...

No. You're flying coach.

Okay, coach. Coach is good.

For you.

Merry Christmas.

No!

You shouldn't have.

Nothing like finishing a puzzle.

Best feeling in the world.

Congratulations, weirdos.

Oh, I almost forgot.

Holiday cookies.

Okay, a thumb in a box?

- Yeah, that may have crossed a line.
- Tried to tell you.

Still, the guy's got a lot going for him.

- Okay, and we're back to this.
- Come on, a coroner

who makes movies,
designs his own socks...

You know, he wrote a book about hummus.

He made you read the hummus book?

Also, he's really into you.

Forgot the cookies at home.

Oh, no. Do I have something in my teeth?

Or my nose? Please... Oh, it's my teeth.

It's my teeth, right?

Seriously, what are you looking at?

I have no idea.
Merry Christmas, Scorsese.

Hey, it's RJ's phone.

Say what's up and I'll hit you back.

It keeps going to voice mail.

You really think I'm driving him away?

What I think is...

we need to let him grow up.

Make mistakes. Get lost, get stuck.

Get hurt a little.

I know.

I just-I just love that kid so much.

It-it kills me to see him fail.

I know it does, honey.

If it were up to you,
RJ wouldn't even know

how to ride a bike.

Why do we put kids

on bikes on the roads next to cars?

- Right.
- They're like...

- death machines on two wheels.
- Death machines on two wheels.

- Yes.
- I know.

I love him, too.

And maybe I overstated myself

when I said you were driving him away.

Hello? Anyone home?

Oh, my God!

RJ! I missed you so much.

Things have been terrible without you.

Mom and Dad have just been
on me 24/7 because...

...because they're awesome parents.

- Come here, give your mom a hug.
- Good to see you guys.

- Hug your mama.
- Look at you.

- Hey!
- Oh, oh, Ri, I got you a shirt.

It's in my bag... if
you bring it upstairs.

Done.

Yay!

She falls for that every time.
You know that, right?

- Look at you.
- Yeah.

- Did you get bigger?
- I think he did get bigger.

- He got bigger. Look at you.
- He did get bigger. Oh.

- And how's the coffee business?
- Yeah.

- Oh, well, I'm done with that.
- Okay.

You know, moving on to something
much bigger now. You ready?

- What?
- Oh, okay.

Timeshares.

Huh? Timeshares.

- Timeshare.
- Timeshare.

- Yeah.
- Son. No, no, no.

Let me stop you right there.

The timeshares... it's a Ponzi scheme.

- No one has ever made money...
- No, but I met a guy.

- What are you gonna do?
- He's, like, a timeshare guru...

- it's an investment.
- Guru? Invest?

- What, in time?
- We're back.

- How do you invest in timesharing?
- It's a, um...

So I say to the owner,

"You got to give my guy
a new room, or I walk.

"No more Gus cleaning up your
hotel messes. How you like

- them jingle bells?"
- Gus, thank you.

- We appreciate it.
- No worries, dude.

I got your back, Cole. Semper fi.

Merry Christmas.

Merry Christmas to you guys.

Hey, Dad.

- Thanks.
- Don't thank me yet.

Our Christmas dinner kind of got, uh...

- Run over?
- Yeah.

Oh, I ordered these
pineapple butter jam cookies,

Indonesian delight.

Sounds good.

Not a single one survived.
All smushed to bits.

As was the Slovakian
beet horseradish sauce.

Sounds less good,

but the important thing
is that we're together.

Hey, that's my line.

Best Christmas ever.

Best Christmas ever.

Put your bags down and come on over here.

I thought we had a flight to catch.

Wes, come on.

I know how hard this is for you.

I know it feels like we don't have

what everybody else has.

But the truth is

as long as we're together,

we have something better.

Look.

All of those stars?

Those are our Christmas lights.

We get to take them wherever we go.

It's a big world, Wes,

and you and I get to see it all

and be at home anywhere in it.

- Hey.
- I know the party was last night,

but I thought we could help you
with some leftovers.

What do you think, I'm the kind of guy

that miscalculates the amount of food...

Oh, hey, Maya. Perfect timing.

We have, like,
14 pounds of ice cream cake.

Yeah, and it's melting,

- so come on in.
-

- Thanks, Murtaugh.
- You're welcome.

You sure this is okay?
It's not a bad time?

Nah. I mean, RJ's back.

We think he gave his savings
to a South American grifter.

Trish has been on the phone
with Interpol all night,

and somehow it's all my fault.

Hmm, I hear you.

- Hey.
- Hey.

Yeah, that sounds kind of messy.

It is messy, but it's family.

And I wouldn't have it any other way.

Thank you.

- Perfect.
- So, let's eat!