09x10 - A Fishbowl Full of Glass Eyes

[bunniefuu]

JAKE: Can I ask you a personal question?
-No, Jake, I've never measured my penis.

No, it's not about that.

I heard my dad say
you're worth, like, a billion dollars.

I'm not really comfortable
talking about my financial situation.

-Oh, okay.
-Let's just say...

...I'd have more money than God
if God only had 900 million.

Wow.

-You don't have any kids, do you?
-Nope.

Here, let me push the cart.

Thanks.

If you have money, why do you
do your own grocery shopping?

You could just hire someone
to do it for you.

Like a 17-year-old go-getter
with a valid driver's license...

...and no chance
at getting into college?

Well, I could, but, you know,
since I've been single...

...I find I really like
shopping for myself.

You're kidding. Why?

Well, take this, for example.
"Baco Berries."

How could I put this on a list?
I didn't even know it existed.

I don't even know what it is.
What is it, anyway?

"Delicious dried cranberries
infused with real bacon flavor."

Ugh. That's disgusting.

[WALDEN CLEARS THROAT]

So do you have a bunch of houses
and yachts and stuff?

Two houses, no yachts.

You should get a yacht,
and hire someone to drive it.

You know, like a 17-year-old go-getter
with a valid yacht driver's license.

Yachts are pretentious.

I don't believe
in ostentatious displays of wealth.

Besides, if I need to get anywhere,
I'll just take my private jet.

-You have a jet?
-Yeah, and I already got a go-getter pilot.

With a college degree.

Excuse me.
Do you know the difference...

...between organic beef
and grass-fed beef?

Yeah, organic is, uh, no antibiotics or growth
hormones, but it can be force-fed grain...

...which produces a less nutritious
product than cows that graze on grass.

Speaking of which, you're pretty, and
your accent makes me feel tingly inside.

Speaking of which?

Cows, meat, cuts of steak, London Broil,
England, your accent...

[IN BRITISH ACCENT]
...hello.

Hello. I'm Zoey.

[IN NORMAL VOICE]
Walden.

Nice to meet you, Walden.

Your accent's rather charming
as well. Heh.

Thanks.

Good luck with your meat.

Thanks.

And they call me Forrest Gump.

-What?
-She was totally hitting on you.

-Really?
-You should ask her out.

Okay.

Hey, Zoey, you wanna
go on a date with me?

ZOEY:
Sure.

See, there's something else
I wouldn't know to put on the list.

Okay, I can pay the MasterCard
with the Visa...

...and the Visa
with the Discover card...

...and the Discover
with the American Express.

Now, what can I use
to complete my little Ponzi scheme?

Chevron? No.

Blockbuster?
They're in worse shape than I am.

Starbucks gift card?
Ooh, hello, latte.

-Hey.
-Hey.

Oh, I know that game.
"Seven Card Screwed."

If I could just get a little ahead,
I'd be fine.

And if I could just lose a little weight,
I'd be a swimsuit model.

Go ahead, say something, I dare you.

Oh, no, no.
It's an apt comparison.

They both involve losing your ass.

Well, I hate to do it, but I could
ask Walden for a short-term loan.

For God's sakes, zippy...

...the man is already letting you
and your kid live here rent-free.

Don't you have any pride at all?

Let me say that another way.

Why do you think
he's letting you stay here?

Because he likes me.

Because he likes having
one person in his life...

...that doesn't want anything from him.

Somebody he thinks
cares about him as a person.

That's a good point.

What you don't want him to find out
is that you're one of those nasty birds...

...that picks the food
out of a hippo's teeth.

No, we don't want that.

So, listen, uh,
I suppose over the years...

...you've salted away
a pretty good nest egg.

-You're not gonna ask me for money.
-No, no, just making conversation.

-Thanks for bringing in my groceries.
-I live to serve.

Boy, I gotta tell you, Alan, your son
made one heck of a wingman today.

You make it easy, boss.

Baby bird doesn't fly far
from the teeth.

-So you, uh, met somebody?
-Indeed I did.

Beautiful woman. British.

Actually drove her shopping cart
on the wrong side of the aisle.

-That's a lot of credit cards.
-Uh, yeah.

I've only got this black one.
I actually bought my plane with it.

Oh, oh, oh. Which reminds me.

You want a quarter of a million
frequent-flier miles?

-I can't use them, I got a plane.
-I want a quarter of a million anything.

All yours, my man.

Where could I go
that's a quarter of a million miles away?

-How about the moon?
-That's ridiculous, Dad.

I know. I was kidding.

No one's ever been to the moon.

Here you go. State-of-the-art.

And semi-portable.

Gateway computer.
I haven't seen one of these in a while.

Still works great.
And it is loaded with software.

Uh, Quicken '95, Lotus 1-2-3...

...uh, WordPerfect, Tetris. Heh.

I don't know, pal.
I don't think I can move this.

Help me out, I'm desperate.

As opposed to most of the people
who come in here.

In my storeroom,
I've got a couple of wheelchairs...

...a fishbowl full of glass eyes,
and a "boy in the bubble" bag.

To be clear,
they took the boy out of the bubble...

...and sold me the bag.

Um....

Uh, what would you give me
for a pair of diamond cuff links?

PAWNBROKER:
Ah....

Where'd you get these?

My mother gave them to me
when I graduated.

-Is she your real mother?
-Yeah. Why?

Because these aren't real diamonds.

-What?
-I'm sure she was a good mother...

...in other ways.

No, this is the nicest thing
she ever did for me.

I'm very sorry.

All right.
I didn't wanna have to sell this...

...but, uh, I suppose
I'm out of options.

Oh, nice.

-Steuben crystal, eh?
-It is.

Ah, your mother
didn't give you this.

No. It was a wedding gift
from my wife's parents.

I managed to sneak it out
of the house after the divorce.

Oh.... Well, give me a sec.

-I'll give you $1200.
-Yes.

No!

I'll give you $2 to clean it up.

Where's your broom?

-Jake, I'm ready to go.
JAKE: Coming.

Here. The car is charged, and I put
an air freshener under your seat...

...just in case you let one slip out.

Good job.

Hundred bucks. Thanks, boss.

-You gave him $100?
-Oh, hey, Alan.

-Yeah, he washed my car.
ALAN: A hundred bucks to wash a car?

-Not enough?
-For $100, I'd lick your car clean.

Maybe next time.

Hey, I'm going on a date
with that girl I met.

-Do I look okay?
-No, I look okay.

You look like the guy women fantasize
about when I'm on top of them.

I know you're still pretty new
to the dating world.

- But can I give you advice?
-Is this about condoms?

Because Jake already gave me
his lucky one.

No. Um, if you hope to have
any kind of sh*t with this woman...

...you, uh, might wanna
lose the wedding ring.

-Really?
ALAN: Oh, yeah.

Uh, when it comes to dating,
wedding rings are like kryptonite.

If, you know, Superman was a vag*na.

You know,
I haven't taken this off in years.

When Bridget and I first got together,
we were pretty broke...

...so we exchanged these cheap bands,
but after I made my first million...

...I got matching ones
made out of rhodium and platinum.

In retrospect, I should've had them
made out of poop and tears.

Wait, uh, what's rhodium?

It's the most expensive metal.

To symbolize
how precious our love was.

That was very romantic.
But again, it's Lex Luthor for lady parts.

This is gonna be tough. Heh.

Wearing it makes me feel...

...secure.

Be that as it may,
you have a choice to make.

Either the past or the future.

The memory of Bridget,
or the promise of supermarket strange.

-Here.
-Why are you giving it to me?

Because you're right.
I've gotta move on with my life.

This ring is just an anchor
chaining me to the past.

-Thanks, Al.
-Well, you are very welcome.

-Enjoy your date.
-Will do.

See you.

[ALAN CHUCKLES]

[IMITATING GOLLUM]
My precious.

The young man you were with
at the supermarket is no relation to you?

-Oh, no, Jake?
-Mm.

-He's Alan's son.
-Mm.

And Alan is?

Uh, it's complicated.

I'm fairly bright, try me.

Okay.

Um, when I tried to k*ll myself
in the ocean...

...Alan's house was the closest one
with a phone.

I see.

-You don't, do you?
-Not at all.

-Okay, let me back up.
-Please do.

Okay, when I was in high school,
I met this girl named Bridget.

Mm, isn't really necessary
to back up quite that far.

You're right, I'll skip ahead. Let's see.

I got married right after high school.
Happy, happy.

Made, like, a billion dollars.
Rich, rich.

She decided she didn't wanna
be married anymore. Sad, sad.

In the ocean, out of the ocean,
bought Alan's house...

...got rid of the furniture,
kept Alan, got hungry...

...went to the supermarket,
met you. The end.

Wow.

-Enough about me. Let's talk about you.
-No, I have a few follow-up questions.

-The furniture?
-The su1c1de.

Oh, it was just a cry for attention.
I wanted Bridget to feel sorry for me.

-Well, that's rather pathetic.
-In hindsight, yeah.

-And the billion dollars?
-I sold a couple companies to Microsoft.

-Big mistake.
-Oh, you regret it?

No, they do.

How long's it been
since your wife left?

Four months, three weeks, four days,
six hours and change.

Let's just call it six hours.

You're still in love with her,
aren't you?

You really are bright.

I thought it was just your accent.

It raises the question,
"Why did you ask me out?"

Jake told me to.

Alan's son?

Yeah. Well, and I wanted to
because I'm moving on with my life.

See? Look, no wedding ring.

Mm, I noticed the bright white tan line.

-Yeah, it's almost like I still got it on.
-It is.

-No worries. I gave it to Alan.
-The man you kept instead of furniture.

Well, it wasn't an either-or.

What about you? What's your deal?

My deal. All right, I'm a lawyer.

Ooh, ugh.

-What else?
-Well, I'm divorced...

...and I have a 5-year-old
daughter, Ava.

I always wanted to have kids...

...but Bridget insisted
that we already had one.

-I don't follow.
-Me.

Oh, sure, I can see that. Heh.

[ZOEY LAUGHS]

What do you think?
Are we gonna fall in love and stuff?

What?

Because that would really teach
Bridget a lesson.

Hi again.

[SPEAKING IN YIDDISH]

I, uh, brought something else for you.

My sphincter's tight with anticipation.

Platinum and rhodium.

Whoa.

Oh.

-Very valuable.
-Hmm.

Did you steal it?

-What?
-I'm only asking...

...because it affects
my marketing strategy.

-No, it was a gift.
-A gift.

Mm-hm.

Eh. Good enough for me.

-What are you looking to get for it?
-Let's not play this game.

Just tell me what it's worth to you.

-What is this, your phone number?
-That's my offer.

Hang on a sec.

You know that's helium?

-Huh?
-A down-on-his-luck birthday clown.

[IN HIGH-PITCHED VOICE]
Son of a bitch.

This was a lovely evening, Walden.
Thank you.

-You're welcome.
-Hmm.

[ZOEY INHALES DEEPLY]

Well, better get in,
let Ava's babysitter go home.

-Oh, is she still up? Can I meet her?
-I'm sure she's still up, but no.

Oh. I get it. You wanna make sure
a guy's gonna be around...

-... before you introduce him. Me.
-Exactly.

-So maybe after the third or fourth date?
-I don't think so.

-Well, the fifth or sixth?
-No.

Seventh or eighth?

I'm starting to get a bad feeling.

Oh....

I'm sorry.
You seem like a really sweet guy...

...but I think you're still
kind of married to your Bridget.

No, no, I'm not.

I haven't been wearing my ring for, like--
Oh, it's three hours now.

It may be off your finger,
but it's still in your head.

Face it, you're not ready
to be dating yet.

Hmm. Thanks again for dinner.

[DOOR CLOSES]

Still married. That's so untrue.

Bridget, you're not gonna believe
what just happened.

Walden?

-Walden?
WALDEN: Down here.

ALAN:
Hey.

-Hey.
-How was your date?

Not so good.

Oh.

So much for Jake's lucky condom,
huh?

Yeah, we never got to condoms.

She thinks I'm still
too hung up on Bridget.

No kidding.

And the worst part
is Bridget agrees with her.

Well, I might as well
put my ring back on.

You, uh....

-You, uh, want your ring back?
-Yeah.

Here.

Thanks.

I had a feeling
sooner or later you'd want it.

No. You know what?
I was right the first time.

I don't need this anymore.

-Are you sure?
-I'm positive.

[WALDEN SIGHS]

I feel better already.

Oh, good.

All right, I'm gonna go inside.

Okay, I'm just gonna hang here
for a while.

-Okay. Good night.
-Yeah. Night.

[IMITATING GOLLUM]
My precious. My precious. My precious.

My precious. My precious.

My precious.

-You saw that?
-Yeah.

Probably wondering
what it was all about.

Kind of.

Well, uh, I often enjoy
a, uh, brisk moonlight swim.

-Fully clothed?
-You leave your clothes on the beach...

...a drifter steals them.

Alan.

-I was trying to get your ring back.
-But I don't want it back.

No, not for you. Um, for me.

-I was gonna pawn it.
-Why?

What do you mean, why?
I need money.

I can't possibly produce enough sperm
and blood to get out of the hole I'm in.

I went to the pawn shop
while you were on your date.

-But you didn't pawn it.
-I couldn't.

You must have been freaking out
when I threw it in the ocean.

The truth of that
stands dripping before you.

Listen, if you needed money,
why didn't you just ask?

-You'd lend me money if I just asked?
-No. I don't believe in lending money.

-I just give it away.
-Give it away?

It's a bad idea to lend people money.

They never pay you back.
You end up resenting them.

So how much do you need?

Uh....

No. No, I can't take your money.

What, you're too proud?

Oh, God, no, I haven't had any pride
since the gym showers in seventh grade.

No, no, if I took your money...

...that would change our relationship.
I don't want that.

I want you to think of me as a friend
and not a freeloader.

You don't think
that ship's already sailed?

Allow me at least
the illusion of self-respect.

Would it help your self-respect
if I started charging you rent?

Actually, it would.

Consider it done.

Great.

Oh, I'm gonna be late this month.

-No problem.
-Probably next month too.

Thanks for the heads-up.

Okay. I guess I better go dry off.

-Hey, Alan.
-Yeah.

-You're a quality guy.
-Really?

I have a lot of people that say
they're my friend, but you really are one.

Well, thanks.

Just out of curiosity,
um, if I had asked for, say...

...a hundred thousand dollars...

...would you have given it to me?

Absolutely.

[LAUGHING]

-Where you going?
-Back in the ocean.

[CELL PHONE RINGING]

Hello.

Oh, hey, Jake.

No, your dad's kind of busy right now.

What's up?

Oh, you used the frequent-flier miles?
That's great. Where are you?

I have no idea.