05x15 - #JustakidfromCompton

[bunniefuu]

You wouldn't know it from looking at me,

but I rose from very humble beginnings.

After years of hard work and sacrifice,

there's no question that this
kid from Compton has made it.

And now, as my beautiful wife and I

roll with the crustiest
of the upper crust,

it's clear we belong.

And we definitely take advantage

of the privileges we've earned.

- 'Sup, admissions lady?
- Hi!

We just want to let you know
that we're gonna be dropping off

another one of our kids
on you... my cousin Kyra.

Yeah, she's transferring
from a high school in Compton,

and science is her thing, just like me.

- Yes!
- All right.

We'll be dropping her off tomorrow,

so tell your teachers.

- Yeah.
- Okay, well, you know what?

She's still going to have to
apply and interview.

Uh, Barbara...

it's us!

Yeah, the Black people
you put in that brochure.

Yes, I'm sorry, but...

I...

Oh.

- Okay.
- Okay.

- I cannot believe this damn school.
- Right?

We sent a g*ng of kids there.

We should be able
to slip Kyra in sight unseen.

Valley Glen would be lucky to have her.

She is a science whiz.

She's light-years ahead

of all those dumbass kids of actors.

Like Ray Donovan's kid is great at math.

- You know what, babe?
- Mnh-mnh.

I'm worried about this interview.

Why?

Kyra is not like our kids.

You can say it... she's ghetto!

Ruby!

Look, I'm just saying.

We all know she's played
in an open fire hydrant

and called it swimming.

She's right, Bow.

You know, those stuffy, rich
folks on the admissions board

will think that Kyra
does not belong at that school.

Guys, Kyra is smart, and she's sweet.

They are gonna be able to see that.

What it do, guardians?

Hey, the vending machine
at my school had Tahitian Treat,

so I cleaned them out!

That's what an "aha" moment feels like.

Kyra just hasn't been
exposed to White people.

Now, I had to teach Dre to play the game

when I was trying to get him
in private school.

Now, don't be nervous, okay?

You go in there and let those folks know

you're a straight-A student

who deserves a spot in that school

and the academic scholarship
that goes with it!

Now let's see your handshake.

What up? I'm Dre.

Unh-unh!

You're not meeting Ed Lover!

Shake like you belong.

Firm. That's it!

That's right, Mama.

I got to do what you did for me.

I'm gonna teach Kyra how to k*ll it

in a world outside of Compton.

- There you go.
- Where's my...

Ah!

I still have my book.

- What?
- "Stuff That White People Like."

Oh, my God.

Yo, Jackie, guess
who's about to get a job!

Oh. Diane. Uh...

Jack, I'll, uh, elltay ouyay
outabay the objay...

You know I don't speak Spanish.

Just save it, Junior.

Jack already told me about
your secret plan to skip college

so you can get a job
as a so-called "ad man."

You told her?

Look, we were stuck
in bumper-to-bumper traffic.

I mean, I just needed to fill the air.

Anyway, I don't know
if I'm gonna skip college yet,

but an assistant job opened up today.

Josh!

You can't fire me with a text!

Look at me!

Let's sit down and talk about this!

You've met my parents!

We bought these shirts together!

I'm gonna ask for the job.

It'll be the perfect way to figure out

what I really want to do with my life.

What kind of cologne
are you gonna hit him with?

Oh, I think I'm gonna mix
Dad's Cool Water

with Grandma's White Diamonds

to make a new cologne
called Cool Diamonds.

He's gonna smell like
an old couple hugging.

So, like my mama did for me,

I gave Kyra a crash course
in playing the game

and hoped for the best.

Why is this interview taking so long?

I don't know. Maybe
they have her doing puzzles.

- What?
- You know White people love puzzles.

I'm sorry?

Solving problems
that they don't need to have.

Okay.

Oh! Oh. Hey, hey.

Hello, Mr. and Dr. Johnson.

It's actually Dr. Johnson.

Yeah, I-I said "Dr."

Oh, sorry. It's a reflex. Sorry.

Okay, well, she got in.

- What?
- Oh, my goodness!

Yeah, we were very, very impressed.

Kyra's so far ahead in math and science,

and she's perfect for our STEM program.

Do you hear that? I'm perfect.

Yes, you are, sweetheart.

And we're gonna give her a scholarship.

That's fantastic!

Well, thank you, admissions lady.

Oh, y... "Barbara."

- Thank you, Barbara.
- Thank you, Barbara.

- Thank you, Barbara.
- The admissions lady.

Barbara, yes, thank you so much.
Oh, sweetheart.

Hey. Josh.

Um, I know you don't have an assistant,

so I took the liberty
of getting your coffee

just the way you like it...
milk and seven sugars.

Thank you so much.

A-And I made a list
of all of the female clients

who might look pregnant

so you don't ask when they're due again.

Wow.

Great. Thanks, man.

I also wanted to apply
to be your assistant.

Oof. Full discloszh.

I got what they call a "hot desk."

This position's really lighting up

the Harvard alumni Facebook page.

I went to Harvard, by the way.

Cool. So, you want my résumé, or...

Oh! Good to meet you, Kirby!

Class of 2016?

♪ 10,000 men of Harvard ♪

Huzzah!

- Hey, buddy, how you doing?
- I'm great. How are you?

- It's nice to meet you.
- Nice to meet you, as well.

- Now, where did you grow up?
- Connecticut.

Of course, but where'd you summer?

- Maine.
- Ah!

Guilty.

- How about you?
- Uh, Cape Cod, myself.

Oh. Beautiful.

Oh, ho, ho! Perfect timing.

- Hey, Dre.
- Oh, hey.

Okay, so...

because Kyra had such a great first day

at Valley Glen Prep, I made...

a prep-peroni pizza!

Get it?

- "Prep" instead of "pep," and anyways...
- Yeah, I got it.

...it's a pepperoni pizza.

Okay, did you get fired and not tell us?

- What?
- 'Cause it seems like

you got a lot of time on your hands.

Look, they wrote an article about Kyra

in the school newsletter.

Pretty cool, right?

"From Compton To The Quad."

- Hm.
- Allow me.

"Welcome, Kyra Winston,

a brave teen who's flourished,

despite an absent father
and a mother in prison."

- What?
- What?

"Kyra attends Valley Glen
with a need-based scholarship

and lives in Sherman Oaks
with her cousin Andre Johnson,

who is also from Compton

and himself received aid
to attend private school."

- Why are they mentioning that?
- I don't know.

"Sources close to the family say

Mr. Johnson takes
his wife and kids for granted."

- What?!
- What?

It doesn't say that.

Yeah, I added that.

He needs to know we know.

- Diane.
- Guys.

Give us a minute.

- Can you believe this article?
- Right?

They didn't even mention
her academic achievements and...

Oh, my God. Look at that.

It's only my elbow in that picture.

Both of these things
are very disturbing.

All right, Bow, they put my
business in the street.

- I... Yeah.
- They made it sound as if I was

a charity case from Compton

who needed a handout.

Dre, if Kyra's not bothered by it,

you shouldn't be, either.

To understand why I'm so bothered,

you need to know my origin story.

My superhero journey began

when I completed the curriculum
of my public school

in a single bound.

That's right... my mighty mind

earned me an academic scholarship

to an elite private school.

All my life,

I deflected the assumptions
that I had been given handouts,

and I exceeded all expectations.

I went from being the Compton Kid

to the self-made superhero
you all know and love.

Where's my movie?

Anyway, I'm a little sensitive
to how I'm portrayed.

They're acting as if
we both needed handouts.

I got an academic scholarship.

Okay, nobody's thinking
about the Valley Glen newspaper.

Look at this.

"Swim Team Gets New Trunks."

Yes, they did.

Quit looking at White boys.

Whoa. Now, what was I talking about?

A misdemeanor, at the very least.

I can't compete with a Harvard guy.

I was counting on this.

I'm sure you guys didn't notice,

but I was kind of floundering
during my gap year.

- Oh, we noticed.
- Yeah.

Just because you don't go outside

doesn't mean you don't
have to wash your clothes.

Just when I'm getting some traction,

I don't even get a chance
to take the next step.

Dude, you can't just give up now.

When Luke Skywalker
got his hand cut off,

did he just give up and say,

"I'll learn to wipe with my left"?

No.

He got himself a dope metal hand

and became a Jedi master.

Oh, actually, it's hotly debated

when exactly he became a Jedi master.

- See, there's intertwined timelines, and...
- Junior.

I'm-a keep it real with you.

No one in this family believes in you.

No one.

If you don't prove us wrong now,
when will you?

Despite my mama's reassurance,

that newspaper article had me spun out.

- Guys, come on.
- I needed to make sure

that the folks at Valley Glen
knew we belong.

All right, put on these Versaces.

- Dope!
- Over my glasses?

Uh, Miss Biggs is not gonna
let us wear these in class.

Your mother is a doctor.

Take this note.

Now go floss on 'em.

- All right.
- Mm-hmm, mm-hmm.

Aww! Dre!

I had no idea you were from...

Compton.

I'm just so glad that the school

has the resources to help your family.

And there it was.

Now, no matter what I did,

I would just be seen
as a kid from Compton.

My basketball team
can't afford uniforms.

Please help me out by buying
one of my off-brand candy bars.

I have Kat-Kats and Smickers.

I don't need handouts!

These are Versace!

Versace, Versace, Versace,

Versace, Versace, Versace!

I can't believe it.

All those years of showing

how much we belong at Valley Glen

ripped away from me.

Now they see me
as just a kid from Compton.

Come on, Dre.

You say that you're just
a kid from Compton all the time.

Yeah, you use that exact hashtag
in all your posts.

Damn straight.

So, it's okay for you to say it

but nobody else can?

Damn straight!

Well, that's just great.
Another one of those.

I'll tell ya, it is
a dangerous time to be White.

Okay, look, when I say it,

it's to own the adversity I overcame

and to inspire other people in the hood.

When they say it,
they only see the adversity.

Like the days we spent
with the oven door open

to keep the house warm

or the nights g*nshots
made me sleep in the bathtub.

Wow.

Dre, I-I had no idea.

That is terrible.

You know what?

I want to give you this.

It's $100. Just keep it.

Don't say "Thank you."

See?

Everybody always goes for the handout.

And it is so shameful.

Preach on, brother.

See, this is why it's so important

for people to see me as a successful man

who made his own way.

Yeah, because for a second
there, you sounded like someone

who was invited to the "Today" show

but then they're not allowed
to sit on the couch.

I'm not allowed within 500 feet
of the "Today" show

because Al Roker's ass set me up.

Don't give me the signal
to put 'em on the glass

and then deny it
when all the kids start crying.

Oh, the games you play, Al Roker.

Tsss, kshh, hmm.

You know, if you care
so much about your narrative,

do something big to change it, Dre.

Maybe you're right.

So I went back to Valley Glen Prep

to take back control of my narrative.

- Ah, Mr. Johnson.
- Oh.

I could hear you shouting
"admissions lady"

from the foyer.

I've got an announcement.

Kyra Winston will be declining
your financial aid.

I'm sorry, Mr. Johnson...

a-are you refusing a full scholarship?

You heard me.

- Run it.
- Oh, are you sure?

We want to help Kyra.

You know, actually,
I-I have been to Compton...

through the magic of film...

and I... I know how hard it is
to get straight out of there.

I don't give a damn. All right?

Andre Johnson is paying full tuition

because he does not need handouts!

- All right, you see this sweater?
- Fine.

These are designer holes.

Italian designer holes. Okay?

Now run it!

Oh, hold on. Which one did I give you?

The... The silver one.

Oh, I gave you that one. Okay.

You know what? Here. Um, can we, um...

can we split it between the two?

I-I just put a g*ng of Versace
on that one.

So, while I was doing my thing,

Bow was on the other side
of campus, doing hers.

Excuse me.

Excuse me!

- You're Eric Hinkle, right?
- Mm-hmm.

You wrote that little article
about Kyra Winston?

The Compton girl?

I wanted to add a picture
of her neighborhood,

but my mom said we don't have

the kind of car
you can drive down there.

Ah, ah, ah, ah, ah!

No.

You listen to me, Hinkle.

The achievements of Black women
are consistently undercut,

and that is exactly what you did

in your little article about Kyra.

She has a brilliant scientific mind.

If you say so.

So you're gonna print
a correction, little man.

Which I happen to have right here.

Yeah. Should've read like this.

"Meet Kyra Winston,
a National Merit Scholar

who plans to follow
in the footsteps of trailblazers

like, uh, NASA astronaut Mae Jemison

or the brilliant, celebrated,
and beautiful anesthesiologist

Dr. Rainbow Johnson."

Huh? What?

Oh. Should I have put
"Dr. Bow Johnson" first?

I... Do you have a pen?

Hey.

Look, I know you are interviewing

a lot of people for this,

but I want to plead my case.

I know all of your accounts, all right?

I've got my finger on the pulse
of what Gen Y-ers like,

which has helped a ton...

It's too late. I hired Kirby.

What?

Sorry, Junior.

Kirby and I just had
an instant connection.

I mean, he rowed crew
on the Charles River.

I was thrown into the Charles River.

Come on.

This is the problem
with corporate America.

You hire all of your buddies

because you look at them
and you see yourself,

while good candidates like myself

don't even get a chance.

That's not fair.

You think you're like him?

You're a talented, misunderstood nerd

who lives with his mother

and lost his virginity last year.

Just like me.

That's a connection.

And this is the last time
I tell you this...

you got a little something on your face.

Thank you.

Oh, thanks.

It's the Roker signal.

What?

Oh!

Look at that. Look. I'm making it walk.

Ooh! Ooh! Ooh! Ooh! Ooh! Ooh! Ooh!

- Hey, babe!
- Ah.

Um, check out what I did!

What'd you do, baby? What'd you do?

"Kyra Winston: Unhidden Figure."

Ah!

Unh! Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh!

That's my woman!

You changed the hell
out of that narrative.

- Yeah, I did.
- And so did I.

What did my man do?

I paid full tuition for Kyra.

W-Why?

Because you said they were
overlooking her achievements.

Yeah.

So, with your article
and my irresponsible spending,

they have only one choice,

and that's to focus
on how brilliant she is.

Ah. Interesting.

Mm-hmm.

- Hey, hey, don't worry about it.
- Okay.

All right? We'll just take the money
out of Jack's college fund.

That's fair.

I mean, Jack's only
gonna use it on candy anyway.

Wait a minute.

I was counting on Jack's college fund

to get me some new knees.

What happened to that...

that nice picture of you and Kyra?

Ah, well, Bow flipped it.

You know, because that last article

made it seem like Kyra and I
had the same story,

which we don't.

We are not two ghetto peas in a pot.

Sweet Black Jesus,
why are you saying that?

Also, do you think peas grow in a pot?

- Dre...
- Mama, look.

You told me to tell
those White folks who I am,

and that's how
I got into private school,

and that's how I earned
everything I got in life...

all by myself.

Except you didn't.

What?

You did not get an academic scholarship.

You got a handout

because you were
a poor kid from Compton.

Mama, what...
what are you talking about?

You're not better than Kyra.

You are Kyra.

What...

Okay, okay, Mama,
what do you mean I'm Kyra?

You remember the man who owned
our apartment building?

Mr. Loukaides.

Mr. Loukaides.

Well, he saw potential in you

and wanted to pay for your schooling.

And you let him?

I didn't have the money.

And I figured that school
was the best place for you.

Okay, Mama, you told me
I got an academic scholarship

because I worked hard.

You did work hard.

And I never wanted you to question

whether you deserved it,

which is why I lied to you.

Mama, that scholarship
is part of my origin story.

It gave me confidence my entire life.

It made me think I could do
whatever I wanted to

because I pulled myself up
by my bootstraps.

Bootstrapping is a myth!

Nobody ever got
anywhere in life without help!

It doesn't matter whether you're
a Black, White, or a Chinese!

It doesn't matter!

Okay, okay, Ruby, just...

"Chinese," not "a Chinese."

- Chinese.
- Thank you.

- Yes.
- Mm-hmm.

So, now, Andre,

you're judging Kyra for taking help.

And I had to tell you the truth

because that's not all right.

That's not all right.

I didn't even catch that.

You know, I've been, uh...

I've been acting crazy.

Mm.

I've got to make it right with her.

Dre, why are you calling her?
She's upstairs.

Hey, hey, uh, Mastercard?

Yeah, I'd like to report
some suspicious activity

at Valley Glen Prep.

O... kay.

And... And also, uh, Versace Online.

Mm-hmm. I can hear you.

Okay, good.

You wanted to see me...

the overly qualified intern?

No.

I wanted to see my new assistant.

The way you stood up to me,
that was impressive.

I could, uh, learn
a thing or two from you...

...about confrontation.

What's going on?

- You know...
- Oh. Uh...

Josh!

Josh, you can't fire me on Facebook!

Open this door,
or I'm gonna kick your ass!

You know what?

Let's just talk about
your new responsibilities.

Come on. Come on.
He'll... He'll tire himself out.

- Okay.
- They always do.

- Josh! Josh, open the door!
- Um... I feel like...

Come on! It's me... Kirby!
We went to Harvard!

Ready? Stop eating it!

- Okay, okay.
- Shh, shh, shh.

- All right.
- Okay, here we go.

- Congratulations!
- Hey, congratulations, Kyra!

Ooh, cake!

You couldn't hold it with
one hand so you could knock?

- Oh.
- Okay. You know what?

- I'm-a let that slide.
- Yep.

Uh, I know this celebration
is a little late,

but I just want to let you know
that I am proud of you.

And I'm also proud
of where you're headed.

Aww. So am I.

Thank you, guardians.

- Oh. Okay.
- All right.

And I can't wait
for you to read this article.

It's been rewritten, and I
embellished a-a little bit,

so if anyone asks, I invented the...

- epidural... at NASA.
- What?

Look here, Bow.

- Just take a picture of us, okay?
- Okay.

- There you go.
- Yep. Sure.

- All right, let's go.
- All right, let's see.

- Come on. Smile for the camera.
- There you go.

- You guys look amazing.
- All right.

Say wassup to Josh's new assistant, kid!

Don't make me regret helping you.

Just sayin'.

Now that I've got this job,

I might be able to get
on the advertising fast track

and never go back to college again!

- Junior!
- Uhh...

Did I hear correctly?

W-What'd you hear?

That you're gonna be working
for Josh now.

Hey, son, I think that's great.

You know, you could use
that extra money to buy books

when you get back to Howard.

Oh, ye... Right, right, right.

"When."

Mm.

So, either you'll go back to college

or you'll skip it and Dad will k*ll you.

Either way, I'm gonna get my own room.