06x07 - Daughters for Dummies

[bunniefuu]

I'm a drop-off dad.

It's a time to really connect

with Jack and Diane.

And I'm in good company.

Jay-Z is a drop-off dad,

John Legend is a drop-off dad,

Terry Crews is a drop-off dad.

But he probably works out first.

And I whipped her right in,

and all of the spots in the parking lot

said "compact"!

- Wait, again?
- Yes!

So, the city didn't listen
to your e-mails?

Right?

Well, I mean, this car's
not gonna fit in there.

- What did you do?
- I do what I always do.

- Mm.
- I took two spots.

N-Now, the key is to make it look like

you weren't trying to take two spots.

- Mm-hmm.
- You know, like there was

a car that messed up
before you got there.

Uh, you know what I'm
talking about, right, Diane?

- Mm-hmm.
- See?

Diane gets it.

Well, I mean, you know,
ain't nobody compact

going to Del Taco at 10:00 a.m.

Is that a sh*t?

Huh?

Get out of my car, Jack.

- Wait, what?
- Get out of my car, Jack!

Go to class!

Hey, can you believe this sucka, Diane?

Eh...

Diane.

Diane.

Are you listening to me?

What was that?

How long have you
been wearing headphones?

I don't know.

When did you start driving us to school?

Hey...

Okay, well, you know what?

We'll talk about this later, baby girl.

I love...

...you.

Damn.

This drop-off dad just got dropped.

I got a horn, too!

06x07 - Daughters For Dummies

Uh, what's wrong, Dre?

Did you find out that your sneakers

are made by small children? Is that it?

God, it's so unfair.

They can make your high-tops,

but they can't clean
the barnacles off my yacht.

No.

It's Diane.

I believe it's pronounced "demon," Dre.

I...

I just found out she wears
noise-canceling headphones

on our drive to school.

That's not so bad.

I'm the noise she's trying to cancel.

Ohhh.

And I don't know what's going on.

Our morning drives is our time to bond.

I mean, we would roll down the windows

and take turns doing
Mariah Carey vocal runs.

I don't understand it.

The older she gets, the harder
it is for us to connect.

I, too, am more afraid
of Diane growing older.

It's the older demons that
you have to watch out for.

They... They tend to act the fool.

Dre, it's okay.

It's totally normal for teenagers

to not want to talk to their parents.

And for parents to not want
to talk to their kids

and send you away to boarding school.

And boarding camp.

Boarding Christmas.

I never thought I'd say this
to a Caucasian,

but, man, I feel bad for you.

The guys made me realize that
I had to do something quick,

or Diane would be sending me
to boarding Christmas.

To my son, David,

following my footsteps into
the family business.

- Oh, to David!
- Yes.

Oh, my gosh.

UCLA Medical School?

Unbelievable.
How proud are you right now?

- The proudest.
- Ohh.

What about you, Bow?
What's Junior up to?

Junior is...

Um, he's k*lling it.

- Yeah?
- Yeah, he took a job in tech.

- Wow.
- Mm-hmm.

You know that, um... the app ChoreBoar?

- Of course.
- Oh, my God.

I mean, I don't want to toot his horn,

but he's, like... pshew... fast track.

Making that Silicon Valley money.

Nice.

I mean, he's like a regular...

black Bill Gates.

- That is huge.
- It's so big.

Delivery for Dr. Feinberg?

Oh, hey, Mom!

Hey.

Oh, boy.

Bow, when you said
he worked at ChoreBoar,

you made it sound like he was the CEO.

Mom, what did you tell him?

- I was telling him...
- Yeah, hold on.

- I got to finish this delivery.
- Okay.

Thanks.

Tch, tch, tch.

You've been ChoreBoar'd.

Are you ashamed of me?

Oh, of course not.

I-I thought you were
gonna be supportive.

I'm sorry, Junior.

But in my defense, I didn't
expect you to be here.

Well, I guess maybe I should just...

stop taking deliveries to the hospital,

- because my job embarrasses you so much.
- Okay.

- You feel flustered.
- Even though the gastric bypass patients

are my best customers.

Junior, come on. It was a white lie.

It's like...

- Mom, I'm working to support myself...
- Mm-hmm.

- ...like you wanted me to.
- Yep.

Now, if you'll excuse me,

got to go hang a TV
at a retirement home.

That's my kid.

Ha!

Piece of my celebration cake?

Choke on it, Feinberg.

So, I went home to fix
my relationship with Diane,

one baked good at a time.

Hey, Diane!

For no reason, I bought you
a cranberry scone.

Mm, not really a dinner-scone person.

Oh, I got to take this.

Hey, whoa!

Was that scone still good?

Not good enough to save

- my relationship with my daughter.
- Uh-huh.

I don't know how
I'm gonna bridge this gap.

All right, you don't understand
what will happen

if Diane doesn't have a strong
relationship with her father.

Girls with daddy issues...

they make terrible choices in life.

Bow, they...

They date horrible guys.

They end up being strippers!

Uh...

Diane is not gonna become a stripper.

Strippers can wear glasses, too, Bow.

I've seen it.

- Okay.
- I've seen it!

I've known a lot of girls
with daddy issues, all right?

A lot. All right?

There was, uh, Watana, Ruthie,

Demi, Dawn, LaShawn...

There was her sister...

- I can't even remember her name.
- What?

I don't know who those poor ladies are,

but you are blowing this
out of proportion.

I don't even know how to hold a
conversation with Diane anymore.

It's like I'm a stagehand
trying to talk to Rihanna.

You can't take it personally.

Right now, there are two Dianes.

Sometimes, she's my best friend,
and other times,

I do not want to walk
down the stairs in front of her.

But I want
the best friend Diane right now.

Well, you can't just get it, Dre.

She's a 13-year-old girl.

She shows up when she shows up.

And what you need to know

is that you are not in control.

You just got to...
wait for the right wave.

Well, when is that right wave, Bow?

Huh?

Don't do anything, Dre.

Don't force it.

I can do that.

- Be patient.
- Okay.

- Okay, totally, totally.
- What?

- Totally.
- Dr... Dre?

Dre!

I know.

You can talk in the morning.

We're bonding.

Bow could wait for waves if she wanted,

but I'm a man of action.

Call me Daddy Du-rag,
because I'm making waves.

What if I told you there was a film

where a man was screaming for no reason

and carrying a baseball bat in school?

That movie is "Lean on Me."

It stars a young old Morgan Freeman

who uses a megaphone as a w*apon.

Oh, you're gonna love it.

All right, buckle up,

because this is his first day
at a new school,

and he's gonna come across some kids

who need somebody to lean on.

Why didn't you tell me
this was a period film?

Because it's not.

It was made in 1989 about 1989,

so it was new when it came out.

- So was the Bible.
- Hey...

Do you see the way

that Joe Clark is breaking the rules

because he believes in those kids?

I've never seen anything like it.

You know you can't actually
chain kids inside a school,

because then it's a jail, right?

No, he...

he's protecting the kids
from the outside world.

Can't you see that?

Without their parents' consent?

I'm just saying,

if Ms. Biggs tried to chain me
inside a school,

she'd need a bigger chain.

And I thought Coolio was in this movie.

I...

Ohh...

That Morgan Freeman knows

how to whip youths into shape.

And did you see how
they took the school's song

and brought it up to date?

It's like I'm sharing a piece of
my childhood with you.

How many times have you watched this?

Like 20.

And I know I talked a lot during it,

so, you know, we can watch it
again if you want.

No, I'm good.

But... Okay, you want to...

want to do something else?

Let me miss you, Dad.

My attempt to connect with
my child was a failure.

I had let myself
and Principal Joe Clark down.

Hey, honey.

Hey.

I made you some ChoreBoar snacks.

- Thank you.
- You're welcome.

Sorry I'm not taking these
to my job at Google, Mother.

Okay. Okay. Come on,
come on, come on, come on!

Give me a break.

I'm sorry.

But... Just, doctors
are really competitive.

And what was I supposed to do?
Brag about Zoey's Instagram?

I mean...

I needed a win.

- Yeah, I get it.
- Thank you.

And you know, I'm sorry I ripped
your head off right now.

- Don't worry about it.
- I've just been a little stressed.

I'm sorry.

I got a call about coming in
for a job interview

- for a full-time position, but...
- Oh!

...I already committed to a
bunch of ChoreBoar tasks today.

- Oh.
- So...

Oh, oh, oh! Wait a minute.

I could do your ChoreBoar tasks
for you today.

Are you serious?

Junior, I believe in you,

and I want you to know
that I have your back.

Okay, great.

Well, you are going to be
taking a dog for a walk...

- Okay.
- ...giving a ride to the airport,

and doing an IKEA assembly.

- For the dog walk...
- Mm-hmm.

...you are gonna want to keep
an eye on Mr. Biggums.

- He is a lot smarter than he looks.
- Got it.

And for the IKEA assembly...

Is it all on the phone?

I'm a doctor, Junior. I got this.

I can use a phone.

Yeah, my bad. Uh, here you go.

- Oh, my God. Okay.
- Thank you.

- So, good luck.
- Thank you.

Go get 'em!

That's my boy.

All right.

ChoreBoar. Chore... Okay.

Nope, that's...
Okay, that's the flashlight.

Jack!

Come and help your mom!

The movie thing was a bust,

but I wasn't gonna give up
trying to bond with Diane.

Hey.

You want to go to the trampoline park

and watch people get hurt?

No.

I want to go to the mall
to return a shirt,

but there's a 30-day return policy,

and today's day 31.

So, I'm just gonna take a nap.

If I couldn't do something with her,

maybe I could do something for her.

Hey, I have 40 years' experience

of watching my mother
yell at customer service reps

at JCPenney's.

Grab your shirt. Get in the car.

We're going to the mall.

While I was trying to solve
Diane's problem,

Bow was doing the same for Junior.

So, Junior,

you always bring your son with you

when you're driving people around?

- Ah, yes, actually, I do.
- Mm-hmm.

We're really close.

I'm her little man.

Oh, can we offer you
a loose mint or some tiny water?

Uh, shouldn't you have
turned left back there?

Oh, goodness. Oh, yeah.

You know what? I'm so sorry.

Sorry, I'm new to this whole
ChoreBoar thing.

Uh... I-I'm actually a doctor.

Yeah, right.

No.

I know, it's crazy, right?

But, um, yeah, I'm an anesthesiologist.

- Mm.
- Sure.

Maybe in your country.

- My count...
- Hello?

I'm in the car.

No, it's a chick.

I don't know... seven?

A seven?

Are you kidding me?

Spit in his water.

Do it.

This is nice, huh?

It actually is.

Being out of the car,

getting a little exercise,

some fresh air.

Well, you didn't have to carry

a baggy for two blocks.

Ooh. Looks like somebody's thirsty.

Yeah, I could use a good bottle
of water right...

No, the dog, Jack.

Here, hold this.
Let me give him some water.

- Oh! No!
- Oh, God. Wait, wait, no!

- Uh...
- No, no, no, no! No, no, no!

- Go get him! Oh, God!
- Oh, oh, oh. Uh...

Oh, Mr. Biggums!

Mr. Biggums!

Mr. Biggums!

Mm.

All right. Let's just do this.

Yeah, but, Mama,

I-I think this is
supposed to be a bookcase.

We have put together your bookshelf.

Mm. We did that.

- Oh, yeah.
- Yep.

Oh!

Tch, tch, tch.

You've been ChoreBoar'd.

Good God, that day was long.

Oh, the longest.

I need a soak.

- Being a ChoreBoar is hard.
- Mm.

Those people are rude,

and the tasks aren't
as easy as they seem.

- Mm-hmm.
- And I think I hate dogs now.

I don't know how Junior does it.

- Yeah. His life is hard.
- Mm.

But not as hard as Mr. Biggums' life

is going to be on the streets.

Oh, God.

I walked into that mall

like a soldier walking into battle.

Operation "Return Your Daughter's
Shirt So She Lets You Into Her Life"

was a go.

Okay, hold on.

Wait right here.

I got this.

Can I help you, sir?

Yes, I'd, uh...

like to return this shirt
for my daughter!

Oh.

- It's outside the 30-day window.
- Mm-hmm.

I knew you'd say something like that.

Please.

Please, you got to take this back, man.

I-I don't know what I'd do.

My daughter's 13. Right?

She used to look at me like a god.

I feel like I'm losing her,

and now I'm just some dude
that can't get anything right.

I'm begging you.

If I don't get this money back,

I don't know.

I don't know.

- I get it.
- Oh.

I have a teenage daughter, too, man.

She's got me in her phone
as "Captain Dumbass."

Thank you.

I owe you big time.

Now be quick about it, man!

We ain't got all day!

Heh. Captain Dumbass.

Again, you are saving my life.

- God bless you.
- Mm-hmm.

Thank you! For nothing.

Wow.

That guy's probably gonna
cry himself to sleep tonight.

Thanks, Dad.

Yeah, he's lucky I'm having a good day

- or else I would've went in.
- Mm-hmm.

Hey.

Let's commemorate this victory

with a father-daughter photo sh**t.

Come on. Come on.

Anybody in there?

Let's go, baby girl!

All right.

These pictures are gonna be great.

Mm-hmm.

I can feel it.

Hey, what's going on?

Sorry, I just got a text.

Come on, you've been
giving me nothing lately,

and I've been trying really hard.

You know, I just want to
connect with you,

but you just keep pushing me away.

You know what?

Why don't you tell me one thing
you wish I knew about you?

Or one thing you wish I would stop doing

that drives you crazy?

Can I just... text you the answer later?

Like, not in public with people watching

in the cool mall?

Well, it was official.

I was out.

Now I was just some chump
in the cool mall

getting dumped by a 13-year-old.

I know how it feels, brother.

Bring it in.

- Thank you, brother.
- Mm-hmm.

Thank you.

I waited for Diane's text for hours.

I was attached to my phone
like a teenager on Instagram,

but the only "like"
I needed was Diane's.

Oof. I know that look.

Postmates is late?

Don't go too hard on the driver.

The gig economy is tough.

No, Diane was supposed
to send me a text,

- and it hasn't come through.
- Mm.

You know, maybe one of
the satellites are down.

- Uh, send me a test text.
- Oh, sure.

Um...

Done.

Eh...

"Thirsty much?"

Nice, Jack.

All right, my relationship
with Diane is on the line

and you got jokes?

Yeah, well, maybe her phone's broken.

She's probably just busy.

Oh, that's her.

She's bored, and she wants to hang out.

Ouch.

- So, she texts you and not me.
- Mm.

Can't she see the effort
that I'm putting in?

You know what? I'm done with this.

I'm tired of my heart being stomped on.

Your call, chief.

All right, you just make sure

you let me know when
she gets married, I guess.

And ask her if she wants me
to walk her down the aisle.

Oh, well, I mean, I'm...

Obviously, I'll be walking her
down the aisle.

What?

I'm sorry, is this all
new information to you?

- Yes.
- Oh, I'll just let you sit with it.

Because it is happening.

Hey, sweetie.

I finished your ChoreBoaring.

- Oh.
- Here you go.

- Thank you.
- And it wasn't easy.

- Oh.
- And it wasn't fun.

It was hard.

- And it was terrible.
- Mm-hmm.

And I've discovered that
the only thing I'm good at

- is putting people to sleep.
- Aw.

- Hey, you also wake them up.
- Eh.

It's the most important part, right?

Yeah.

By the way, I was wrong
to be embarrassed.

After doing your job for an entire day,

I know that you work 10 times harder

than any of those doctors' children.

Really?

Yeah. And hey...

Can I tell you a secret?

- Getting into med school isn't that hard.
- What?

There are a ton of doctors

who are dumb.

H-How many is a ton?

That's not the point, sweetheart.

I am proud of you,

and it doesn't matter
what you do for a living.

Thanks, Mom.

But, like... like, surgeons?

Are... Are there dumb surgeons?

I decided to write my daughter off.

It felt harsh, but I had to
remember it was her fault.

I wasn't gonna b*at myself up.

Four out of five kids ain't bad.

- Mm. Morning, babe.
- Oh, hi. Morning.

Diane.

Good morning, Dad.

Is it?

- Dad's being weird.
- Yeah.

I'm gonna go upstairs.

All right. Bye, sweetheart.

Bye.

Mm-hmm.

I just had the most amazing
conversation with Diane.

Don't care. She's dead to me.

Come on, Dre.

Guess what she told me?

That she wanted to be raised in
a single-parent household?

No, no, no, no, no, no.

And then he chained the kids
inside the school,

which I thought was crazy,

but Dad explained he was
trying to protect them

from the outside world.

- Joe Clark was tough, but fair.
- Oh, yeah.

That's the kind of principal
I want to be

- when I grow up.
- Aww.

Except for the fair part.

The movie's a hundred years old,

- but it's still so fresh.
- Not a hundred years old...

Do you let people boss you around

when you know
you're doing the right thing?

When do you stand up for yourself?

I get why it's Dad's favorite.

You know, I think I'm gonna
start carrying a baseball bat

- around school.
- What?

I broke through.

- I caught the wave!
- Yeah, you did!

Now you got to ride it
as long as you can, Dre.

- But you got to do two things.
- Hmm?

- Be patient.
- Mm-hmm.

And listen to me.

Yeah... that's gonna be impossible.

You do remember the guy
you married, right?

I know.

But sometimes I hope.

- But for Diane, I will do anything.
- Mm-hmm.

It's nice to know

- that my little girl is listening to me.
- Mm-hmm.

Even if she keeps her ear buds in.

Yeah, you keep this up Dre,

and you might be able to
walk her down the aisle...

with Jack.

So, maybe our relationship

wasn't going to be easy for a while.

But that's okay.

I had a feeling

we were going to figure it out.

Hey, Dad.

There's nothing I'd change about the way

you embarrass me in public.

I may not always make it easy,

but I'll always be your daughter.

Don't be weird about it.

Okay!

I won't!

- Hey.
- Morning, Doctor.

Oh.

Hey.

Hi.

How's your son feeling about school?

How's that going?

It... It was a... There was
a little misunderstanding.

Yeah... Yeah, it turns out
that he was, uh,

selling meds to med students.

It was at UCLA, though.

What I really wish I had

was someone to pick him up from jail

- and take him to rehab.
- Oh! I have someone.

Tch, tch.

Yeah. Tch, tch, tch, tch.