- Can I ask you a question?
- Sure.
- I have good tits, right?
- You have great tits.
♪ (MUSIC PLAYING) ♪
I just got my friend Bret here
to loan us a Pelts.
It looks like sh*t. Literally.
I'm Jackie. My daughter and I are
moving into the neighborhood.
There's no way I'm gonna sell
my house for that price.
I was low-balling you! I loved
your house the minute I walked in.
What you're saying is that you'd
wanna have sex with my house?
I'd blow it and see where that goes.
I spent so much time focusing
on the divorce that I
didn't even let myself think
about the future.
Do you wanna get dinner with me?
I think I should just
be on my own for a bit.
Oh.
I think I met someone.
Tell me about him.
All these human beings
being rejected in a matter of seconds.
Yes, it's a great time
to be alive, isn't it?
What's the math? What's the math?
How many blow-offs is that per minute?
God, you are really milking
all the fun out of this.
Just, you know, jump in
the water and get wet.
I'm not afraid of getting wet,
I'm just saying that
there is an inherent... huh.
- Well he looks kind of nice.
- Wow!
- Sam.
- Sam's cute.
Hmm.
Is that a giraffe in the background?
(STAMMERING) Wait a minute.
- I can do...
- Oh, yes.
Indeed, that is a giraffe.
Wow.
I've always wanted to go on a safari.
Well, it could be at the zoo.
I don't understand why you don't want me
to have, like, this nice fantasy.
Come on, give me that back. (GASPS)
No, no, no, no, no! What are you doing?!
You didn't ask permission!
It's a match! I don't believe it!
What... don't act so...
what are you writing?
What are you writing?
What are you writing?
- Wait, wait, wait!
- Wait, seriously.
- What are you writing?!
- Seriously. I'm serious!
Hold on, hold on! Yes!
- He said yes!
- Give me my phone!
He said yes to what?!
(THEME MUSIC PLAYING)
ROBERT: Tom, you have
your socks, homework,
and video games where
everybody kills everybody?
- Mm-hmm.
- Sorry for spilling
my nail polish in the bathroom.
Oh, you mean the red nail
polish in the grout?
Oh, come on, that'll
clean up like a dream.
(PHONE RINGING)
Hmm.
Hello?
What?
When did that happen?
- TOM AND LILA: Hey!
- Hi!
- Was it fun?
- (DOOR CLOSES)
- Yeah, it was good.
- (FRANCES CHUCKLES)
- Grandpa's in the hospital.
- He is?
- See you guys!
- BOTH: Bye, Dad!
- What's going on?
- Uh, acute pneumonia,
which is pretty serious at his age,
and then, you know,
he's got the heart condition.
Oh, my God.
Doctors have recommended
that I get there as quickly as possible.
But, um, it could be the end.
Oh, my God, Robert, I'm sorry.
So when are you leaving?
The first flight tomorrow morning.
Got the last seat.
But do you... should...
do you want me... should I go with you?
No, no, think I need to
travel light on this one.
It's just there's a lot of
things that have to be handled,
and just dealing with my sister
alone is gonna be a ground w*r.
- But thanks.
- Don't let Cathy get to you.
(SCOFFS) Yeah.
All right, well, seriously, I mean it,
if you change your mind and you want
me there, I'll jump on a plane.
Yeah, I think it's
probably easier this way.
- Thanks.
- Mm.
(DOOR OPENS, CLOSES) - (SIGHS)
(SIREN BLARING IN DISTANCE)
(CHATTER)
(HEART MONITOR BEEPING)
Hey, Dad.
It's Robert.
I'm here now.
I'm not going anywhere.
MAN: He's out like a light.
Haven't heard a peep out of him.
His color's good, though.
- Okay.
- You know, when he comes to,
you might wanna consider
going premium on the TV.
- They're upgrading the whole building.
- (SIGHS)
146 channels in every room.
Just six bucks a week.
That was weird.
(MUSIC PLAYING)
I just don't feel good about
not being with him, you know?
I mean, if we were still married,
I'd just... I would there.
There'd be no question.
And I feel guilty
because even though
a part of me wanted to go,
I had this little, like, "Ah,"
this sigh of relief when he told
me he didn't want me to go.
You're divorced now. You're free.
Diane, I was married forever.
These feelings are...
they're... they're involuntary.
Well, tick-tock,
time to make new feelings.
Well, I just feel shitty about it.
- (DOOR OPENS)
- I feel shitty for Robert.
- Hi!
- Oh, hello!
- Hello.
- Hi.
What did you say this
sculpture is worth again?
Well, it is on loan currently,
and it is just south of $2 million.
Told ya. You owe me dinner.
- sh*t.
- Okay, well, thanks again.
- You're welcome.
- (WOMEN GIGGLING)
- WOMAN: Oh, my God!
- (DOOR OPENS)
- You see that?
- (DOOR CLOSES)
That is what you call buzz.
That's buzz?
- (BACKHOE BEEPING)
- by sports...
So I got you the premium
cable package, Dad.
It's a f*cking sweet selection.
while Molly the bear was tranquilized...
Well, feeling better these days.
Better than before.
I'm not gonna drag you
through all the gory details.
Just suffice it to say it sucked,
in case you were worried about me.
Not that you were ever a big worrier,
but... I don't know.
Sometimes I wish
I could be more like you.
It's hard, though.
If you're like many Americans...
Dad, it's "The Lone Ranger"!
That used to be your favorite!
Huh, isn't it crazy?
Check in the hospital with
pneumonia and a high fever,
get a "Lone Ranger"
marathon out of the deal.
Yeah, life's funny.
He's sweet, he's funny, he's handsome.
It's... it's like I hit
the m*therf*cking Powerball.
- And he actually makes me happy.
- I can tell.
And he is 100% not judgmental.
You know, most men, they
meet a woman in their 40s,
never been married,
with a teenage daughter,
and their eyes just glaze over.
But not Robbie.
He's, like, completely unfazed.
Wow, we may have to bottle this guy.
Just bear in mind
that most relationships,
they go through an early
euphoric period, they level off,
and... and I just... I wouldn't make
any big life changes right now.
You're probably right, and I
haven't even met his ex-wife yet.
Well, there you have it. So there's
another bit of mountain to climb.
Yeah. And this chick
sounds batshit crazy.
Luckily for you, she's not your problem.
FRANCES: I'm here to see a
patient... Frank DuFresne. -
- Capital D-U-F-R...
- (SUCKS TEETH)
- E... sorry... E-S-N-E.
- Oh, God damn it.
- I got it, thanks.
- The one thing that I asked of you,
and you couldn't even respect that?
I didn't want you to go
through this by yourself.
I felt like I should be here.
You would do the exact
same thing for me.
- All right.
- (MAN COUGHING)
How'd you get the kids squared away?
Oh, that was easy 'cause Lila got to
go to Rachel's for the weekend
and Tom is at home with
Diane checking in on him.
- Really?
- Yeah (CHUCKLES)
Roomies with Diane?
- So, how is Cathy?
- Ugh.
As usual, she lives 30 miles away,
but acts like she's taking
a submarine from Ukraine.
The more she's away,
the more pleasant for you.
- (PHONE CHIMES)
- Yeah.
Yeah, I'll just handle everything
and her contribution will be to
skyrocket my blood pressure.
Good thing mine's low to begin with.
- Who's that?
- A gallery.
- DIANE: Yoo-hoo!
- (DOOR OPENS)
Hello!
Just checking in as advertised.
Making sure you're okay.
So... (SIGHS)
So to clear the air, your mother
never claimed you were helpless,
so you can put all that out of your mind
and just think of me as a buddy-type
who's just checking in
on you from time to time.
Does that mean I can ask you to leave?
Very witty.
I like a young man
with a sense of humor.
- So...
- (TV TURNS OFF)
So what's doin' at school these days?
(SLURPS)
(SIGHS)
You know what I always used to love?
School dances.
What are the names of the top dances
that the kids are doing these days?
Just the top 10. Last to first,
or first to last, whatever you want.
(SNIFFS)
I'm gonna go rinse out my cereal bowl.
(TOM WHISTLES)
Is that an Audi RS 7?
I don't know the exact make and
model, but that is my car indeed.
- FRANCES: His color looks good.
- ROBERT: You hear that, Dad?
Frances thinks you have good color.
He... he likes your voice.
Well, actually, Frank, you know what
I was remembering on the plane?
The time that Robert and I
came down to visit you guys
and, um, we went to Sears.
- We bought a lawn mower.
- Oh, wait, no, it was an edger.
- It was an edger?
- Yeah. Do you remember that, Dad?
We bought that Sears Craftsman edger.
That thing was like a
bologna slicer on wheels.
Yeah. (CHUCKLES)
And then we, um... we went to
some kind of drive-in place,
you know, and it had,
like, a big hat on the roof.
- Oh, Hatburger.
- Yeah, yeah, Hatburger!
Yeah. God.
Man, they closed that
shitbox down years ago.
That was before the kids were born.
And you made me order this
really messy, massive burger
with, like, five patties stacked on it.
- Oh, the juicy stovepipe.
- (CHUCKLES)
- Yeah.
- Oh, my God.
And I did not make you order it.
You ordered it, and I was appalled
at how you inhaled it like a linebacker.
Oh, my God, that burger
was so g*dd*mn good.
I vaguely remember that your Dad
got really angry at the carhop
for some reason that I don't remember,
and he... but he called
him a cement head.
Oh, yeah, yep. Remember
that, Dad, cement head?
That was one of your favorites.
The cement head allegation
was leveled at me
hundreds of times over the years.
I remember one time he
called my mom a cement head.
Hey, remember, Dad? She
bought the wrong boat polish
and you... you threw it
and it exploded on the wall.
Yeah.
I'm gonna go get some air.
- Do you want me to come with you?
- No, it's all right.
Again, just get some fresh air.
Uh, Frank, I don't know
if you're aware of this,
but they've put you in a...
a sort of creamsicle-colored gown,
which... which you pull off,
you know, by the way.
(CHUCKLES)
I feel kind of lousy that we didn't
get to know each other
better over the years.
But there... there are
a couple of things
I would like you to know.
First of all, that...
that your son loves you very, very much.
And he talks about you all time.
He's always telling us
stories, me and the kids,
about you guys taking
fishing trips or, um...
(CHUCKLES) just some crazy thing
he did that you b*at his ass for.
"That you b*at his ass for," those
are... that's... those are his words.
But I would also
very much want you to know
that... that you mean a lot to me
because you mean a lot to him.
(PHONE CHIMES)
This is very nice.
(HORN HONKS)
Hey, wait, isn't this... yeah.
This is the street that
connects right... yeah...
- to that hill, right, where
we went sledding? - Mmhmm.
- Yes.
- Yes.
- Steel trap.
- I took you sledding,
and you wore that puffy
coat that I hated.
Right, you mean my... that... my
loden green L.L. Bean coat?
Yeah. Yeah, I brought you
home to show you off,
let everybody see my sweet, beautiful,
smoking hot, piece-of-ass girlfriend.
Then you walked around looking like
the Michelin Man the whole time.
Listen, I bought that coat for you.
You told me to respect Ohio winters.
You recall that?
All right, so what else
do we need to get your dad?
We gotta get clippers, nail clippers,
'cause I saw those toe shovels.
It's a disaster. I gotta clip those.
Oh, my God,
the day that clipping toenails
becomes a two-man job,
just give me an ice pick in the earhole
- and leave me in the alley.
- Yeah, ditto, me, too.
(CHUCKLES)
I used to steal a lot of candy in here.
And later in high school,
I stole a lot of rubbers.
It's like a story out of Mark Twain.
- ROBERT: Hello, Cathy.
- (KNOCKING ON DOOR)
There you are! I was so worried
you skipped town or something.
No, we went over to Cary's
to get some stuff for Dad.
Oh! Oh, that was nice.
So you saved me a trip.
I was just gonna do the same thing.
Hey there, cutie-a-gootie!
That was nice of you
to drag yourself here.
- Hey, Cathy! You look great.
- Thanks, so do you!
Did you, uh... did you
put on a couple pounds?
'Cause last time I saw you,
you were really skinny.
- Really?
- Oh, yeah, like emaciated.
I was really worried. I prayed for you.
I'm sure there's a...
there's a compliment
buried in there somewhere.
- No, there isn't.
- And look you, Mr. Lost-the-Mustache!
Finally!
The world only needs one Tom Selleck,
- right, Fran?
- Two Tom Sellecks,
that's an embarrassment of riches.
I'm just gonna come out and say
it... divorce or no divorce,
you two look like a thousand bucks.
- Very generous.
- 500 each, thank you.
(SIGHS) I'm really enjoying this, Tom.
- Are you enjoying this?
- Yeah!
This flat-bottom steering wheel is nuts.
Mm, I just feel so relaxed.
I can do all my errands,
not have to worry about
finding a parking space.
- Oh, wait, sh*t. Stop, stop!
- (TIRES SCREECH)
Great, now can you back up?
Oh, good, my girl's working today.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!
Watch it, idiot!
Hey, hey, hey, hey!
- Don't you cuss at him!
- (CAR DOOR CLOSES)
He is a very good driver!
Why don't you learn
to walk, you schmuck?!
- He almost backed right into me!
- All right, where's a cop?
Where's a cop?
I don't like your tone, mister!
It's very threatening,
and I can see that
you're staring at my tits.
Yeah, walk away!
Big tough guy, acting all
tough, hitting a car.
Go ahead, walk away, walk away!
What an assh*le, right?
All right, hit the flashers, hon.
She's fast. I'll be back 10.
Copy that.
Wish I didn't have to leave tomorrow,
but we're getting the furnace cleaned
and Larry's getting his toe fixed.
But I'll try to make it back
by the end of the week.
Boy, that one conks out easy, huh?
Yeah, she left her house at
4:30 to catch a 7:00 AM flight.
Well, first class, I hear
it's a vacation in itself.
Of course, I wouldn't know
I'm not sleeping, and I was in steerage.
What's this? "Weekly premium
cable service, $6."
Oh wait, I'm sorry, "6.36 with tax."
Yeah, I upgraded his TV package, okay?
My hands were tied
when it came to the tax.
And you didn't think
to check with me first?
We share a power of attorney.
It's a teeny upgrade, Cathy.
He likes Westerns.
I thought it might be nice
to have something playing in
the background just in case.
In case what? He's sedated
and he could linger a long time.
You know, expenses add up.
He needs 146 channels
like he needs mambo lessons.
But you just love to piss
my money away, don't you?
Okay, you know what, Cathy?
Cable's on us, our treat.
Nobody asked you for anything.
Of course not, because then
you don't get to be the hero.
Because after all, no one cares
about Dad except for you.
Jesus Christ has arrived
all the way from New York,
so bow down and kiss his fat ass!
Okay, okay, easy, easy, Cathy, come on.
How much did you care about Dad
whenever you ran off with your drug
dealing boyfriend in high school?
I had to drive nine hours
to Pennsylvania
- to drag your butt back.
- Robert, shh.
You remember that?
Mom cried for three days.
You were filthy and you smelled
like a miniature donkey.
That is youth. That was Shakespeare.
Of course, you wouldn't know anything
about passion. You know what?
Tell you what, let's
just get on the record
that Cathy paid for half
the cable bill, all right?
Cathy, no one expects you
to pay for anything.
- You've been so helpful as it is.
- It's not about the cable!
- This guy has a long, brutal history...
- Okay, okay.
of calling my character into question
because he's angry
and he's bitter, okay?
That's all about his own little
shortcomings right there.
ROBERT: There's an
alternative theory here
that maybe you drive
everybody around you,
including me, f*cking batshit.
That's why Larry,
your p*ssy-whipped husband,
works double shifts
to stay away from you.
And he tried to k*ll himself.
Okay, water under the bridge,
water under the bridge.
No, you see how red he's getting?
That's literally the guilt
rising to the surface, okay?
Now he's gonna go punch a wall.
We had holes in every room
in the house growing up.
- (GROANS, COUGHS)
- Oh, Daddy!
Oh, there you go, Daddy! It's okay!
It's me, Cathy. Can you hear me?
Daddy, it's okay to let go.
Find peace! Go play fetch with Chester.
Don't tell him to go
play fetch with Chester!
- Robert, just calm down.
- Chester's a dead dog.
- (PHONE CHIMES)
- Let go, Daddy!
It's been a long time!
Find Nana and Pop-Pop!
I'm trying to stay cool, okay,
but in about two seconds, I...
I have to choke her to death.
Okay, Robert, just don't
talk to Cathy. Cathy!
What's my father's robe doing here?
If you're taking stuff from the house...
You got us red-handed there, Cathy.
We stole Dad's 40-year-old robe
and some hearing aid batteries.
Later, we were thinking about
maybe knocking off a stagecoach.
Okay, I'm going over there
right now, all right?
Because I have an entire list of
things that Dad promised me...
Mom's wedding ring, his Navy uniform,
and the green Fiestaware pitcher.
And God help you
if I see one thing missing.
Well, whenever you get
there, do me a quick favor
and shove the green Fiestaware
pitcher up your ass.
(SCOFFS)
♪ And those of us with ravaged faces ♪
♪ Lacking in the social graces ♪
♪ Desperately remained at home ♪
♪ Inventing lovers on the phone ♪
♪ Who called to say, ♪
♪
"Come dance with me? ♪"
You know, Tom, I had
a really good time today.
- And we got a lot done.
- Yeah!
We're a good team.
♪ You and me, me and you, ♪
♪ together, we get a lot done. ♪
High five. (GRUNTS)
Tell you what, why don't we stop
at The Brass Crow on the way home
and treat ourselves to something cute?
What is The Brass Crow?
Sweetie, I have to be totally honest,
it looks surprisingly gay on you.
Do you wanna try another color?
No, thank you, please.
Okay, I need your opinion now.
What do you think of this skirt?
I mean, the zipper isn't the
whole way up in the back.
- Is it supposed to be like that?
- Are you sure?
Can I grab you another size?
No, this is a four and I wear a four.
But you're more than
welcome to grab me a two
as long as it doesn't
have a defective zipper
like your f*cking four.
Tom, factory flaws aside, truthfully,
tell me what do you think of this skirt?
- Should I buy it?
- It's kind of cool, actually.
- Do you hear that, dimples?
- Maybe just get, like, a bigger size,
you know, just for comfort.
(SIGHS)
Yeah.
(SIGHS)
f*ck this.
- Diane?
- (GROANS)
Mrs. Clavowen?
DIANE: Get the car, I wanna
get the f*ck out of here.
(LABORED BREATHING)
(PANTING)
- Frank?
- (GROANS)
Robert. Robert, he's awake.
Dad. Dad!
(WHISPERS) Hey.
How are you... how are you feeling?
(GRUNTS)
Where's Cathy?
Um, you know, she went
to run some errands
and... and she's on her way back, so.
Yeah, Cathy is... she's a doer.
Your eyes are so beautiful, Frank.
Gosh, I forgot how much
they look like Robert's.
- He's awake?!
- Yeah, he's awake.
Daddy!
Oh, Daddy! Oh, my God!
I'm here for you now. Oh, gosh!
Everything's gonna be okay.
- Hi!
- (ROBERT SIGHS)
I'm gonna go to the washroom.
Cathy, Cathy, I think
we should be probably
- mindful of these cords.
- I'm mindful.
- Well, I want these to do their job.
- You look so good.
There's no slack and I think
- they're keeping him alive.
- ROBERT: f*ck!
FRANCES: Oh, my God.
See? Told you.
So we're gonna get you out of here.
I'll make you a nice, home-cooked
meal, won't that be nice?
Uh, I'm gonna go get
some ice for my knuckles.
- No, I'll get... I'll get your ice.
- I got you premium cable.
- Hey, Cathy.
- 146 channels.
Cathy, can I grab you?
What do you want?
I gotta get back in there.
And let him get his own ice, by the way.
It's his fault. He's such a cement head.
- Ugh!
- I'm sorry, this is awkward.
- I don't know, really...
- Well, just...
where to begin, um.
- Yeah?
- Robert is not a perfect individual.
- Oh, come on, that's putting it mildly.
- Well, none of us are.
- Uh-huh.
- Yet by any measurable comparison,
he is a far better person than you are.
- (SCOFFS)
- By a mile.
Yeah, by an ocean.
Because you are...
you are a horrible person, Cathy!
- You don't even know me.
- No, you aren't a good sister,
you aren't a good daughter.
You are indefensible,
and I will no longer
feel sorry for your wiring
or whatever genetic bugs you have
in your head or up your ass.
So I'm gonna tell you something,
and I want you to listen, okay?
- I'm listening.
- Robert and I may live
on opposite ends of the planet,
but if I ever hear
that you have upset him
or that you have caused him
any form of distress,
I will hunt you down.
So don't f*ck with me, Cathy.
- I think you were really out of line.
- Cathy.
For once in your life,
just don't say anything.
(SIGHS)
This is heartbreaking. Heartbreaking.
Oh, oh, oh, wait, wait, wait,
I'm sorry, one more thing.
Your mother gave me
the green Fiestaware pitcher,
and you will have to
dig it out of my grave.
(SCOFFS)
So you have food you can heat up later.
Yeah, it's one of the things I
wanna do before I leave town,
get him a new microwave.
This one's totally sh*t.
But he is absolutely married
to that dedicated popcorn button.
They did a good job on your hand.
It was very clever to punch
a wall at a hospital.
- I'm a thinker.
- (CHUCKLES)
I'm so glad he's better.
(SIGHS, GROANS)
- We got a lot done today.
- We sure did.
I appreciate it.
(SINGERS VOCALIZING)
♪ Now I told you so you ought to know ♪
♪ It takes some time
for a feeling to grow ♪
♪ But you're so close now... ♪
Hey, can you grab my charger?
It's right over there.
(GRUNTS)
Thanks.
- Got everything?
- Believe so.
♪ With you, I'm not shy ♪
♪ To show the way I feel ♪
♪ With you, I might try ♪
- ♪ My secrets to reveal...
- (PHONE CHIMES)
♪ For you are a magnet ♪
♪ And I am steel... ♪
Really?
- I'll send you my boarding...
- (PHONE CHIMES)
(SINGERS VOCALIZING)
♪ You're a woman
who's lost to your song ♪
♪ But the love that I feel
is so strong ♪
♪ And it can't be wrong ♪
- ♪ With you, I'm not shy... ♪
- (PHONE CHIMES)
♪ To show the way I feel ♪
♪ With you, I might try ♪
♪ My secrets to reveal ♪