02x03 - No Bullshit

[bunniefuu]

♪

[ELECTRICITY CRACKLES]

[FAX MACHINE WHIRRING, BEEPING]

So, as you can see,
this is an offer for Dice

to host the Oscars. And we accept!

Now, there's a few minor
points that we need to iron out,

like the $150,000 fee...

This offer was made to you in 1989.

Well, actually, the fax came last night.

But the fax was sent in 1989.
How is this even possible?

You know what? Things happen.

It gets stuck in the
wires, whatever happened,

but thank God we found it, right?

[LAUGHING] Right. Right.
It's the cloud, man.

There is no fax cloud.

Yeah, but... but you...
you offered the offer.

I was 7 years old when
this offer was made.

Hey, there he is. Here's
the man of the hour.

This is Sydney Stein, an outside
counsel that we've employed

- in connection with this matter.
- I'm a huge fan, Dice.

I was there for both shows you sold out

in Madison Square Garden.

Ah, thank you. I appreciate that.

But I'm not here to talk about
some concert from 50 years ago.

I'm here to talk about this.

What's that?

Think of it as a blank
check made out by you,

Andrew Dice Clay, to me,
Sydney Stein, where I can write

any number I want into this little box

and take it directly
out of your bank account.

Look at the two of you
sitting here f*cking grinning

like a couple of leprechauns

who think they stumbled
onto a pot of gold!

[AS DICE] Oh! Do my eyes deceive me?

There's a pot of gold over there!

[NORMAL VOICE] Guess what...
the rainbow just disappeared,

you feel me?

This is... This is a negotiation...

There's no negotiation,
you f*cking toddler.

Wait a minute. You got a
f*cking problem with me?

Yeah, I do! That's a
malicious prosecution claim.

If you so much as say the
word "fax" one more time,

I swear to God I'm gonna file that

with the Nevada circuit court,
and you're gonna be paying

legal fees until your last
pathetic, dying breath.

[SIGHS]

This is supposed to be a
conversation starter, okay?

- I don't know what you...
- [PILLS RATTLE]

- You hear that sound?
- Yeah.

That's the sound of the migraines

that you're already starting to give me.

And the way I see it, every
single pill in this bottle

represents another $100,000

that I will factor into
our countersuit against you,

in payback for the sheer stupidity

of this entire f*cking clown-show.

I know the law like the
back of my pristine prostate,

and this is a big fat f*cking non-starter.

So, my suggestion to
you is go f*ck yourself,

before I decide to file this.

What are you still doing here?

Hurry up. Go f*ck yourself!

♪

Oh!

♪

[AUDIENCE CHANTING]
Dice, Dice, Dice, Dice, Dice, Dice!

Top of the world, Ma.

♪

[IMPLOSION]

DICE: The guy called us leprechauns.

It was like a thing of beauty.

I'm telling you this guy was
like the white Johnnie Cochran.

I don't know what
you're so excited about.

This guy basically crushed you.

What's happening? W-Where are you going?

What... What's going on here?

I haven't told my parents
I sublet my apartment

and live with you.

So just tell them. It's
not like we're kids.

I'm gonna tell them,
just not this weekend.

You don't understand.

They're Catholic. They
got married really young.

They're gonna think
we're, like, living in sin.

If you think I'm gonna let them come here

and I'm gonna lie to
them, that ain't happening.

- Come on.
- Carmen, I'm not a liar.

You're, like, the king of bullshit.

Bullshit. Not liar.

I know how to bullshit. I'm the king.

I can do anything with my mouth.

Bullshitting is an art form.

Like, if you go, "I got an eight-inch d*ck,"

that's bullshit, but if you say,
"I got a nine-inch d*ck,"

people go, "Oh, you're f*cking lying."

Are you bullshitting me right now?

Well, I ain't lying.

♪

Why do your parents have such a hard time

with us living together?

Because hey don't believe
in people living together.

They believe in marriage.

Now, that's a bunch of bullshit.

Everybody goes, "Oh, it's
just a piece of paper." Really?

Marriage is a f*cking racket,

with the catering hall and the flowers.

Then you got to hire a wedding planner.

[HIGH-PITCHED VOICE] "The vanilla cake

would be more pure."

[NORMAL VOICE] You want vanilla?

It'll come from my f*cking balls.

Why do all the women
you do impressions of

have speech impediments?

Marriage is the single most
financially damaging thing

that's ever happened in my life.

I was living in the biggest
house in Beverly Hills

next to Ringo Starr.

Next thing you know, I'm
in the middle of the desert

living next to Pete the Plumber.

Well, I don't want to
f*cking get married either.

- Good for you.
- [SIREN WAILING]

Let's keep it that way.

- I'm good like that.
- Oh, f*ck.

We're already late.

Are you f*cking kidding me?

License and registration?

I'll be right back.

[SIGHS]

[RADIO CHATTER]

What the hell's going on?

Ma'am, step out of the vehicle, please.

Hey, what the f*ck...

Is there a problem? Oh, come on.

What is this?

What the f*ck? Ow!

Wait a minute, wait a minute.

Carmen, what's going on?

Sir, get back in your vehicle.

There's a warrant out for her arrest.

Carmen, what the f*ck's going on?

Uh, it could be a number of things!

A number of things?

Trust me, I know what I'm doing.

I just need you to go pick up my parents!

What am I supposed to tell your parents?

Don't tell them anything
till I get it sorted out.

JetBlue Flight 4624.

Ah!

[SIREN WAILING]

What the f*ck?

♪ Oh, oh, the fire ♪

♪ Oh, oh ♪

Harold, Darcy. Welcome to Vegas.

[LAUGHING] Hey!

How you doing?

Where's Carmen?

Uh, she's a little boxed in right now,

so I came to pick you up.

Boxed in how?

It's a work thing. Kinda complicated.

[GRUNTS]

[DOG BARKING]

Oh, you brought a dog. Great.

His name is Chewy.

'Cause he likes to chew
the sh*t out of everything.

You don't need to explain the name!

It takes the fun out of it.

I'll get the luggage.

♪

DICE: Come on in. This is it.

My house.

I don't know why we
can't stay with Carmen.

I just don't feel
comfortable staying here.

Yeah, it feels like
we're putting you out.

Oh, no, I love having people.

And besides, Carmen's
place, it's too small.

Hey, what's the WiFi password here?

Uh, I don't know.

I really need to use your kitchen.

I got to make some tuna fish sandwiches.

We just got here! Give it a rest!

Give it a rest?! What, "give
it a rest"?! I'm hungry!

[TRICKLING]

Uh-oh. Chewy just did a whizzle dizzle.

Don't worry. I'll clean it
with some vinegar and water.

- You have vinegar, right?
- Uh, you know what?

There's a lot of things in the kitchen.

- Sure.
- You can ch...

- It's right over there.
- I'll go look.

You go on.

- Andrew, Andrew, Andrew...
- What?

...check it out.

Two tickets to Tony
Orlando for our anniversary.

I got the best money can
buy, but here's the thing.

I told Darcy that you got them for us!

Why would you do that?

Because if she thinks I
bought them, she'll say,

"Oh, the seats are bad," or
she'll say that, "You overpaid."

She'll just be miserable and
complaining the whole time through.

But, if she thinks you got
them, oh, she'll just gush about

what a fantastic show.

At which point, I will
turn to her and I will say,

"I bought those tickets, me!

Ha! Me!"

All right, all right,
all right. Calm down.

Just sounds to me like a
very hostile anniversary gift.

After 40 years of marriage,

about the only thing we have in common

is our hostility towards each other.

[BUZZER]

♪

All right, two questions. Are you okay?

And number two...
what's the WiFi password?

Your parents are driving me crazy.

"Chrysanthemum." And I'm fine.

"Chrysanthemum"? What is that?

It's my middle name, you jerk-off.

I've told you a million times.

You lost the right to lecture
me when you got thrown in jail.

All right, so what's going on?

I have an outstanding warrant
in the state of Colorado.

So we got to post bail?

There is no bail.

They're holding me here until
a state marshal from Colorado

comes here and sends me back.

What did you do in Colorado?

- It's not a big deal.
- Carmen.

You're the only white person in America

getting deported right now.

Clearly it's a big deal.

Okay, I was in the punk
scene, like, back in the '90s.

And I was at this one concert
and this guy, like, grabbed me,

like, really just grabbed
me in the mosh pit,

so I punched him in the
face and broke his nose.

Good. So?

So he pressed charges.

Turns out this piece of
sh*t's grandfather was a judge,

so I'm facing serious time, so
I skipped bail and left Colorado.

You just left?

Yeah, it was not that big of a deal.

I can't believe this is still a thing.

Look, people make mistakes.

I did this one sitcom in the
'90s where I played a mailman.

Talk about f*cking mistakes, right?

But, you know, at that time,
that was the right move.

You know, everybody was doing
it from Seinfeld to Reiser

to George Carlin.

And everybody's all
over... All right, pick...

pick up the phone. Pick
up... pick up the phone!

Shh.

So what do you want me to do?

I need you to help me fix this.

I'm gonna fix it. I'm gonna fix it.

You know what we need?

We need a lawyer.

I got a guy.

♪

Dice?

I want to be honest with
you, Dice, it's been a while

since I worked criminal defense.

But I'm a fan of the underdog.

Bottom line, you think you could help me?

Yeah, I can help you.

What we have here is a
classic Exculpation Defense.

So without getting too mired
down in the mumbo jumbo,

we're basically gonna be arguing

that to commit a small crime
is justifiable under the law,

if said crime prevents
a much bigger crime.

And a woman going to jail
for b*ating up a n*zi,

that's the biggest crime I can think of.

I never said the guy's a n*zi.

You said punk rocker.
Are we splitting hairs?

- Impressive.
- I know.

So I'll have her out
first thing in the morning.

All right, listen to me.

You seem like a nice guy.

For whatever reason, me and
you are becoming, like, friends.

Mm-hmm.

And I got a lot of juice in this town.

You need anything, you call me.

You want a good steak,
you want a couple chicks.

I might take you up on the steak.

[CHEWY BARKING]

[INDISTINCT TALKING ON TV]

That looks good.

Of course it looks
good. It's on television.

- They make it look good!
- So, I'm right!

Do you know that your
insights are so obvious!

I didn't hear you saying it!

Excuse me.

Aren't you guys supposed
to be at Tony Orlando?

Let's not discuss it.

I got to go make a sandwich.

What a disaster.

Andrew, the Tony Orlando
concert was a total bust.

My tickets were counterfeit. Fake!

Who buys fake tickets?

How the hell should I know?
I bought them on the computer.

They cost me a fortune.

I had to figure out how to get
a money order over to Malaysia.

Why didn't you just ask me?
I'm friends with Tony Orlando.

It's too late. Now I need you
to go in and apologize to my wife

for getting those counterfeit tickets.

I'm not gonna apologize.
You're not gonna put this on me.

You can't go in and
tell her it's my fault.

She'll never let me live it down, ever.

Okay. Let's go in there.

Let me handle this.

[INDISTINCT TALKING CONTINUES]

Darcy, listen. I'm sorry
about the fake tickets,

but I happen to be personal
friends with Tony Orlando.

I'll get you the best seats in the house.

Thank you, Andrew. But don't apologize.

It's not your fault. It's Harold's fault.

He just said it's his fault!

It's your fault! Yours!

It's our wedding anniversary!

The least you could have done is
tried to get the tickets yourself.

- [CELLPHONE RINGING]
- But instead you had poor Andrew get them!

- You never give an inch.
- Hello?

Dice. Hi, it's me... Sydney.

What's up? Everything okay?

I don't know. I, uh... I
got a little situation here.

You... Could you swing by my hotel room?

Can it wait till morning?

You said if I needed anything,
you said anything at all,

to give you a call.

Now, this concerns Carmen's case.

I'll be there in 20.

[CELLPHONE CLICKS]

- I got to go.
- At this hour?

Yeah. At this hour. Sit tight.

♪

[KNOCK ON DOOR]

Dice, thank God it's you.

Sydney, what happened?

Before you come in, I just need to know

that you're my client, correct?

Well, technically isn't
Carmen your client?

Look, just say you're my g*dd*mn client!

I'm your client!

All right, now we have
attorney-client privilege.

Anything that you see in here

is not admissible in a court of law.

You sure that works both ways?

Well, I don't know that it doesn't.

"I don't know it do..." I like that,

the way you say those things.

♪

What the f*ck happened in here?

I have a very stressful job, Dice.

Sometimes I just need to relax.

Tonight, for instance, I
knocked back a couple of Gimlets.

I invited a girl up to the room.

Interesting. So why is
there a tooth on the table?

It's a long story.

So the girl is... eh,
she's more of a therapist.

Sometimes I just need a
beautiful woman to tell me

I'm a worthless piece of sh*t
and make fun of my tiny d*ck.

I'm listening.

So she's great.

I'm thoroughly degraded.
I feel nothing but shame.

I'm gonna sleep like a baby.

Only thing is I didn't go to
the ATM, so I don't have cash.

She doesn't want to take a check.

So she starts tearing into me, Dice.

She's calling me a... a...
cheap piece of sh*t, bast...

She's really insulting me.

Well, that's just turning
me on more and more

and that's pissing her off more and more

'cause she's not on the...

Long story short, she
leaves, and I think it's over.

Yeah, and she comes back with muscle.

Exactly.

Words are exchanged, a fight ensues,

and they take my briefcase.

Now, in that briefcase, Dice,

are some documents that are
essential to Carmen's case

and some other documents
that, uh... that...

that could ruin me if they got out.

You got any leverage?

I do have something of theirs.

You want to know what's inside it?

- No.
- Good.

You might be a wizard
at all this mumbo jumbo,

but you know what happened, Sydney?

You got on a bus, you fell asleep,

and you wound up on the
wrong side of the tracks.

Yes, I did.

But now you're with me, so relax.

I'm gonna take you by the hand,

and I'm gonna bring you back
to the right side of the tracks.

Thank you, Dice. This
is why I called you.

What we're talking about here
is a simple Drop and Swap.

- Okay.
- We're gonna get a call.

We're gonna set up a meet somewhere.

- It's not gonna go good.
- Why?

Because that's how the first meet goes.

Then we have the meet fix.

- Meet fix?
- Yeah.

How long ago did this happen, exactly?

[SIGHS] About an hour ago or so?

An hour.

You're gonna get a call

right... about... now.

[TELEPHONE RINGING]

That's amazing. How did...

Uh-huh.

Nah.

No f*cking way. How does that sound?

- What'd they say?
- It was room service.

They wanted to know if you
wanted your beds turned down.

Oh.

Now, can we get the
f*ck out of here, please?

Yeah. Yeah.

- Sydney.
- What?

- The leverage.
- Oh. Yeah.

- I got it. I got it.
- Okay.

[CELLPHONE RINGS]

So these guys said they wanted
to meet somewhere public.

Dice, are you sure this is a good idea?

Relax, Syd. I do this all the time, okay?

I know what I'm talking about.

But the most important thing
is you don't talk first.

You understand what I'm
saying? You don't talk first.

Say it back to me.

Oh, all right, I don't...
I don't talk first.

Yeah, okay.

All right, stay cool. Follow me.

Hi, can I offer you
gentlemen something to drink?

Some water, maybe?

Uh...

I'll just come back.

I can see that I'm dealing
with a professional.

Likewise.

Gentlemen,

we all know what could
happen at the first meet,

but there's no reason
it needs to go sideways.

What we got's a simple Drop and Swap.

We drop... and we swap.

What do you say?

I say this man is an animal.
He should be on a leash.

Just give me my f*cking briefcase.

I'll shove it up your f*cking ass!

Relax! What happened, happened!
Put your tits back in your bra.

Come on. Let's play a game.

Let's make a deal...

- [WOMAN LAUGHING]
- Huh?

Wait a minute.

What the f*ck?

Dice, where you...

♪

Darcy. What are you doing?

After Harold royally screwed
up our wedding anniversary,

I used Facebook to look
up my college sweetheart.

But he has colon cancer,
so I moved on to Gil.

Yeah, she's always been
a handful, this one, huh?

Do me a favor, Gil.

Walk away. Go home.

Come on. Get out of here.

Dice, what are you doing?

They left. They're gone.
The whole thing's f*cked now.

Relax. I told you the
first meet would get f*cked.

You didn't say it
would be because of you!

Take it easy. They're gonna call.

I'm telling you. They're gonna call.

Dice... we got an issue.

So what's the deal?

We sell timeshares for the hotel suites.

The guys sell them down on the floor.

Carm's dad bought one.

For how much?

75 grand.

[BEEPING]

♪

- [SIGHS]
- I am so f*cked.

So f*cked.

I just listened to a sales pitch

in order to get free
Tony Orlando tickets.

How many times do I got to tell
you? I'm friends with the guy.

I could get you the Tony Orlando tickets.

Next thing I know, I was giving them

cashier checks for $75,000!

That's our entire savings!

Snap out of it.

Congratulations, Mr. Fieri.

I think you're gonna love it.

Please, sir, you have
got to get me out of this.

- All right, all right.
- Let me go, please!

- Calm down. Calm down.
- Yeah, okay.

My friend, he gets a little
hyper, you understand?

- I can see that, yes.
- Yeah.

I really wish there was
something we could do,

but unfortunately, um, we've
already signed the paperwork.

You know what's funny?
The dog ate the homework.

Dog ate the homework?
What does that mean?

The dog ate the homework.

♪

All right, listen, I don't do laundry.

Never did laundry a day in my life.

I don't believe in it.

But what I do believe in is irons.

It's almost like a guessing game.

How hot does it get?
How fast does it get hot?

I actually don't know, like,
how much pain I might inflict.

- Huh? What? Wait.
- Heughh! Come on! Don't do that.

Why is that?

You can do it.

'Cause the dog ate... my homework?

Let's say it together.

Both: The dog ate my homework!

Very good. You see that?
See, there's gonna be...

- [CELLPHONE RINGING]
- Oh, sh*t.

[SCREAMS]

I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

What the f*ck?

Dice.

You got one more chance, pendejo,

and you better not f*ck this one up.

This is the "meet fix."
It never gets f*cked up.

Yeah, you make a good point.

45 minutes, I'll text you the address.

Don't be late.

I'll be waiting.

- Get out of here.
- Okay.

- Just get out of here.
- Yeah. Okay, sorry.

♪

Okay, it's happening.

You two, sit tight.

Come on.

♪

You got the bag?

You got the briefcase?

[HAWK SCREECHES]

What are we doing?

This is supposed to be the meet fix.

We could all be eating
at IHOP in a half hour.

Yeah, okay.

So now you're a tough guy?

I am if I got to be.

Nobody moves until I know it's in there.

What the f*ck is that?

This animal bit off Joey's ear.

You bit a guy's ear off?

I sure did. Right the f*ck off.

It's been a pleasure working
with a true professional.

Likewise.

Get in the car.

♪

[TIRES SCREECH, ENGINES REV]

[BUZZER]

WOMAN: All right, here.

- Hey.
- Oh.

It's good to see you.

All right.

It's all gonna be okay now.

Carmen, you are free to go.

As long as she stays out of
trouble for the next six months,

this will just be another
funny story to tell.

I don't find it too funny.

What's wrong, Dice?

You bit a guy's ear off.

Listen, I-I-I understand.

I got a little out of control,
and I-I bit the guy.

I don't need a lecture.

Yeah, well, maybe you do.

I might not know all that mumbo jumbo,

but I certainly know how
things work in this town.

Somebody's got to take a stand.

A stand?

Vegas has their rules.

And one of those rules is

you don't bite a guy's ear
off when you owe him money.

That's crossing the line.

There's a right way to do things,

and there's a wrong way to do things.

And Vegas did not deserve the
way you treated her last night.

Her?

Yeah, think about it.
Vegas is like a woman.

A woman likes you. She invites
you in for a little fun.

You play with her titties a little.

Maybe you get a little pervy with her,

as long as you ask her first.

Vegas, like a woman, deserves respect.

So what do you do?

You go and you bite a guy's
ear off his f*cking head.

You owe Vegas an apology.

I don't know how I would do that.

[SCOFFS] Unreal.

Come on, Carm. Let's get out of here.

Hey, Dice.

Yeah, what?

You still got that fax?

Yeah. What about it?

Look at the upper left hand corner.

It's timestamped.

So?

So, timestamp means that
legally the offer's just made

and it's pay or play.

They owe you something.

Like what?

I don't know, three hours of prime-time TV?

Sydney.

Yeah?

Vegas accepts your apology.

I'll talk to you.

♪

So, the conference ran really
late, and I got stuck in Dallas.

It was just... The whole
thing was a disaster.

Well, we're just glad you're home safe.

And, uh, don't worry. We
are having the best time.

All right, enough! Enough with the lying.

Your daughter wasn't on a business trip.

She spent the night in jail.

Your mother got all liquored up

with her old high-school flame, Gil.

And bright eyes back here,
your father, he nearly blew

your entire life savings on a timeshare.

And if we're gonna be completely honest,

me and your daughter live together, okay?

So just get over it.

You got drunk with Gil McGreevy?

I knew you were still
carrying a torch for him!

I wanted to know what it
felt like to be wanted!

Why the hell would you get a timeshare?!

The salesman promised
me Tony Orlando tickets.

I did it for you!

Is it my fault that I'm
susceptible to Internet scams

and shoddy real-estate deals?

None of you are honest with each other.

That's why you're so
f*cking dysfunctional.

And if I'm
calling you dysfunctional,

then you got some real f*cking problems.

Look, you made her cry! You happy now?

- Oh, I made her cry.
- Yes, you did.

Andrew, this is why we're
not honest with each other.

'Cause it always ends up in tears!

That is not why I'm crying!

Harold, you almost blew

our entire savings so we could have

a beautiful place to...
to retire together.

I just wanted you to be happy, baby.

♪ Love is a many-splendored thing ♪

♪ It's the April rose ♪

Where are we going?

Relax for a minute.

♪ That only grows in the early spring ♪

Oh, my God!

Is that who I think it is?

♪ A reason to be living ♪

Tony!

Darcy, Harold, this one's for you.

Happy anniversary.

♪ A golden crown that
makes a man a king ♪

♪ Once on a high and windy hill ♪

I think you might have fixed my family.

It's what I do.

I fix things.

♪ Then your fingers
touched her silent heart ♪

♪ And taught her how to sing ♪

♪ Yes, true love's ♪

♪ Yes, true love's a
many-splendored thing ♪

♪