02x04 - The Twelve

[bunniefuu]

♪

♪

Carmen, take it easy. Our future
depends on this piece of paper.

I didn't even know the
fax machine was plugged in.

How does a fax not go
through for 28 years?

How do I know? It probably
got stuck in the wires.

All I know, it's an offer.
And offers don't expire.

[CHUCKLES] Offers definitely expire.

Remember when you were
playing the Tangiers

and there was that Groupon? That expired.

I don't know. I can't argue. I
don't even know what that means.

You're gonna have to get someone
else to drive you tomorrow,

because, honestly, I got
so much sh*t I got to do.

sh*t, sh*t.

Why you got to curse all the time?

Okay, so you can say c**t
lips, but I can't say sh*t?

[CELLPHONE VIBRATES]

Hmm.

This is weird. It's Milkshake.

Says he wants to invite us for dinner.

Why is that weird?

Well, when we're hungry,
we just, like, go and eat.

We don't discuss it.

People change. He's writing
his movie now, all the time.

He's seeing the hypnotist.

Yeah. So, how long does
that take, an hour a week?

No, he's seeing his hypnotist.

You didn't know Milkshake
had a girlfriend?

No.

♪

Oh!

♪

[AUDIENCE CHANTING]
Dice, Dice, Dice, Dice, Dice, Dice!

Top of the world, Ma.

♪

[IMPLOSION]

[LAUGHING] What the hell is this?

That's an offer. It's time-stamped.

Who exactly are you representing here?

'Cause I was under the
impression that we pay you

an exorbitant rate to represent us

as outside counsel on this matter.

As your outside counsel,

I'm acknowledging that it's time-stamped.

Okay, let's be real clear here.

There is zero chance that you're
gonna be hosting the Oscars.

I mean, Harambe the Gorilla
has a better sh*t at hosting

the Academy Awards [LAUGHS] than you do.

I'm sorry.

Are you telling him that
Harambe the Gorilla is dead?

That's the point.

He's saying he would put a
dead gorilla on the air before

he lets Andrew Dice f*cking
Clay open The Dolby Theatre.

All right. Everybody take it easy.

Seriously, we did not
come here to be insulted.

This is a binding document.
Time-stamped, m*therf*cker.

- Okay.
- Time-stamped!

All these dickshots here

think we have some kind of an agreement,

which I seriously doubt would
hold up in any court of law.

But, that being said, I have to admit,

I, uh, I like you guys.

And I think I might have a solution

to our mutual predicament.

What he's gonna say is that
someone has dropped out of

MONROE: The Musical!
and there might be

a role available for you.

Will you let me pitch the f*cking thing?

Yeah. Go ahead. Knock yourself out.

- What the hell is Monroe?
- MONROE: The Musical

is going to save this network.

The music is gonna be phenomenal.

The script was written
by Gatewood and Tanaka,

the toast of Broadway.

All to be performed
and broadcast live from

the Tropicana Hotel and
Casino in Las Vegas, Nevada.

Did you see Hamilton?

- No.
- All right.

You replace the diverse cast

with your favorite movie wise guys.

James Woods as Monroe.

Danny Aiello as the Vice President.

We had Joey Mantegna locked
in as John Quincy Adams,

but he had to get out.

So, uh, if you want
the role... it's yours.

Three hours of prime-time television, Dice.
Starring you.

Not just three house of prime time.

Three hours of prime time, during sweeps.

This is the highest priority for
this network. Heavily promoted.

We're talking about a viewership
of 12 million, minimum.

[CHUCKLES]

I'm not really
a song-and-dance man, Carmen.

Yeah, but it's an opportunity
to do something different.

Plus, you said you
wanted to do more acting.

I do want to act, but I want
to do, like, a Tarantino movie.

Where... Where you get to
s*ab a guy, like, in his eye

with, like, a letter opener.

Monroe? It's theater. It's...

What's wrong with with that?

The guys, they wear eyeliner.

When they get sh*t, it's
not even, like, fake blood.

They pull, like, red
scarves out of their shirts.

Okay.

Carmen, what are my balls gonna think?

Oh, so, in this scenario,
your balls have brains?

[SCOFFS]

Well, they might not have brains,

but they definitely have an opinion.

Okay, so it's not a Tarantino movie.

Maybe this isn't the role of your dreams.

But what if you can't get
the role of your dreams

if you don't do this first?

This is a chance to be on
a nationally televised show

in front of, what,
like ten million people?

Actually, 12 million.

You can open yourself up to a
whole new generation of viewers.

Show them who Dice is.

And James Woods is gonna be there.

That's pretty unbelievable.
I mean, he is a legendary guy.

Does that mean you're gonna do it?

- Yeah, f*ck it. I'm doing it.
- Ah!

- This is exciting!
- I'm doing it!

I'm doing it!

But... they're not from where I'm from.

They do things like,
"Places, everybody. Places!"

I'll be like, "I'm over here now.

So, hello. Like, I'm over
here. Like, I'm ready."

Yeah, but sometimes,
instead of doing the work,

you spin out a little.

You invent reasons to not focus.

I'm all over it already.
Mentally, I'm already there.

♪ Old Virginia ♪

- ♪ Virginia ♪
- ♪ You had it in ya ♪

♪ You had it in ya ♪

♪ Yes, I broke the mold! ♪

Cut!

Cut, cut, cut.

That felt pretty good, right?

Yeah. Oh, it was good.

- Yeah, it-it's a start.
- Yeah.

But let me ask you something.

You'd think I would really
be, like, a secretary?

I mean, you're not a
traditional secretary.

You're the Secretary of State!

You really think he'd be, like, my boss?

No, I'm not your boss, I'm
President of the United States.

And you're John Quincy Adams,

so you're part of my cabinet.

But John Quincy Adams was
the President, if I'm correct?

Yes, although John Quincy
Adams was President during

this time period, James
Monroe is the President here

and John Quincy Adams was
the Secretary of... of State.

But people tuning in, they
just want to have a good time,

a couple laughs, whatever, right?

Yeah, that's true, but this
is based on historical fact.

And that's what's so fun, I think.

It is fun. And you're
gonna k*ll it, okay?

- k*ll it.
- You're gonna k*ll it.

So, how about we do...
we do one with singing?

You will k*ll it. Uh, no. I'm not, uh...

Sorry, Toby. I'm, um...

I don't think I'm gonna sing today.

I got a, uh... I want
to save my voice, okay?

Well, I'm gonna make camera
changes and you guys...

- Yeah. You change cameras.
- ...practice your steps, okay?

Places, everybody! Places!

I'm over here now!

Great. That's great.

Hey, Teller. How you doing?

What do they got? Anything good here?

You know, I... Listen to me.

You know, we don't really
know each other well.

You know what I'm saying?

I know... I know the bit.

I know when you're on
stage with Penn and Teller,

you don't talk when you're up there.

But I come over here and I say hello,

and you act like a f*cking assh*le?

You can't wave or acknowledge?

What the f*ck is wrong with you guys?

We're not on stage now. Come on.

You know what, Dice?
You're right. I apologize.

That's all right.

You know what? Sometimes
I snap out too quick.

That's why I get divorced all the time.

Moderately decent snacks here, you know?

I'm filming next door and I
just came over and helped myself.

- Oh.
- Nobody notices me.

When I'm mute, I'm invisible.

I know they're not
filming anything next door.

I'm here for a meeting.
That's all I can say.

Meeting?

Want me to let you in on a secret?

What secret? I want to know.

Just between us?

It's like we're becoming instant friends.

- Yes.
- Yeah, go ahead.

I got tapped.

What?

To be one of The Vegas Twelve.

- The who?
- Really?

Of all people, I thought it would
mean something to you.

It would if I knew what it was, you know?

It's the 12 people who run Vegas.

What?

You think the Mayor runs this place?

The Chief of Police? The
Nevada Corps of Engineers?

Nope. It's The Twelve.

We decide everything.

You?

And when one of The Twelve dies,

somebody else gets tapped.

This time it's me.

We're having a meeting next door.

If you tell somebody that I told you,

they'll never believe you.

I'm a mute.

You know?

♪

How long has Milkshake
been renting this place?

You should tell him I can get him a deal.

Rent? [LAUGHING] You think he rents this?

He's an owner.

Milkshake owns this place?

How does he have money to own a house?

It's sponge money.

He had a minor heart
surgery a few years ago.

And when they sewed him up,

they left this little
surgical sponge in there.

He sued. He won. He's got sponge money.

Well, how much money is sponge money?

It's not f*ck-you money.

It's not scratch-off money.

- It's sponge money.
- Yeah.

[LAUGHS] Okay.

Oh, wait, wait, wait. Before we go in...

Sometimes when we meet new people,

you just start telling stories.

You don't even ask a question.

This is Milkshake's girlfriend,
so ask some questions.

- I'll ask questions, all right?
- Okay.

- Shake!
- Hi!

- Come on in.
- How you doing?

- Good.
- Nice.

- Hey, buddy.
- Get over here.

[SLOW-TEMPO MUSIC PLAYS]

So, you guys went on a cruise?

You go on cruises now?

[LAUGHS]

Yeah, and as you can see by the
seal in the corner, I'm a MVB.

That stands for Most...

Valuable Boater.

[LAUGHS NERVOUSLY]

Um... can I clean some of these plates?

Oh, no, no. Just leave it for later.

- I don't...
- No, just leave it for later.

Okay.

So, where are you from, Trudy?

Sacramento.

Grew up there? You were born there?

Yeah, I was. Born and I grew up there.

Where'd you get the fish?

Oh, gosh! Uh, I don't know.

Um, this is feeling like

I'm on Law and Order
or something like that.

No, just trying to be
interesting, like, to find out

things about you that I might not know.

Um, well, I do not know
where the fish is from.

But I can go check.

Oh, uh, no, no, no.
We... We... don't care.

[LAUGHS NERVOUSLY]

Trudy from Sacramento, that
grew up, was born in Sacramento.

Went to school there?

Why do you keep grilling me?

No, I'm... I'm really just...

No, no, I'm sorry. This
guy, he's been grilling me...

- No, no.
- ...all night long.

Why do you need to know
where I went to college?

You don't think I'm good enough for Ron?

- No.
- You think that because

I live here for free and I eat his food

and use his guest
bedroom as a yoga studio

that I'm some kind of freeloader?

Not at all.

Well, let me tell you something,

I pull my weight around here, okay?!

And for your information,
I went to Alabama.

So Roll f*cking Tide,
you f*cking assh*le!

Aah!

You know what? I'm gonna help him.

So, what'd you think?

She's cool.

She's hot, right?

Yeah. I always just saw you with
somebody a little more simple,

like a Ukrainian prost*tute

or like a kindergarten
teacher. You know what I mean?

Yeah, me too.

But I'm really happy
now, though, you know?

- She's hot, right?
- You already said that.

She's so hot. I hope
I don't f*ck this up.

How many times has this
chick hypnotized you?

Why you gotta ask that?

That's not cool. That's not cool at all.

I'm gonna go cut the pie.

Yeah, you do that.

You ever been hypnotized before?

Oh!

No, no, no, no. [CHUCKLES]

I don't really believe in hypnotism.

But what do you use, like
a teacup with a spoon?

No, it's not like in
the movies. [CHUCKLES]

That's what I'm saying.
I can't be hypnotized.

Oh?

Yeah, because, like, I have,
like, a really, like, uh...

Mm-hmm.

...like, a big fat, like, brain.

[CHUCKLES]

A big, fat brain.

That's cool.

♪

♪

[WOODS] ♪ I swept it! ♪

♪ Oh, the electorate!
I spanked that Rufus King! ♪

♪ So, hey, here's the thing ♪

♪ Anyone with knowledge of
the electoral college ♪

[TOILET FLUSHES]

♪ They knew I wouldn't fold ♪

♪ I broke the mold, yeah ♪

Oh, sorry. Thought I was alone.

It's no big deal. I just...

Yeah.

Yeah, uh...

Yeah.

I just can't get this guy's
f*cking voice out of my head.

Okay. I'm sure he's gonna get better.

Forget it.

- Wait. What are you doing?
- I'm gonna clear the table.

You're not gonna smoke?

You always go smoke right after you eat.

I haven't had a cigarette
since last night.

- I'm not smoking.
- That's great!

No. It's not great.

Milkshake's girlfriend did
some kind of voodoo on me

in the kitchen last night.

So now I can't smoke.

Andrew, I have a question.

What?

Did you learn your steps for tomorrow?

No.

See, Andrew, this is exactly
what I'm talking about.

You find ways to distract yourself

whenever you get anxious.

'Cause the whole world's going
crazy right now. I don't know.

Did you ever think that
maybe the world's normal

and you're the crazy one?

Or maybe me and the
world are going crazy.

Okay, you know what? I'm going to bed.

- You talked me into this.
- Good night.

♪

Dice, aren't you supposed
to be at rehearsal right now?

Yeah, I am, but I got to talk
to you. I got to talk to you.

You really think she would hypnotize you

without your consent?

I think she was mad because
I don't believe in it.

I think she was showing
off. That's what I think.

Trudy would never do that.

And so what if she did hypnotize you?

You wanted to quit smoking anyway.

Yeah, but I want to quit
the way I want to quit.

Let me ask you something.

You think maybe she did it to you?

- Did what to me?
- All these things you're saying.

Trudy this. "Oh, Trudy's
the love of my life.

Oh, there's nobody like Trudy."

She did that to you.

I've been with Trudy for a
while now. You ain't been around.

You don't know how it is.

I know you. And you know me.

Something's off.

You got a lot of nerve coming in here

and accusing Trudy of these things.

Oh, hello. I'm sorry to interrupt,

but I couldn't help
but overhear you guys.

I don't know what all you heard,
but I don't think Dice meant

anything by what... he was saying.

Mm. Yeah, it's okay, baby.

It's true. I hypnotized you.
I was trying to prove a point.

You see this? She's admitting it!

I was doing something nice for you!

Quitting smoking is a good thing.

- That's what I said.
- Uh-huh.

You have no right to as*ault my b...

She assaulted my brain. She
might've ruined other things.

It's not as*ault if it's something nice.

You've been trying to quit for
years, Dice. She helped you.

Yeah, but I got to do it
the way I got to do it.

- Now put it back.
- I can't.

- I have yoga class right now.
- Put it back!

Fine. Come with me.

I don't trust her.

♪

There you are. Hey, uh,
you're 45 minutes late.

I had to take care of something.

Okay, are you off book yet?

Uh, sort of.

Did they tell you that this
is airing live, during sweeps?

Yeah. Take it easy.

Okay, I just need you to be off book.

- Yeah, I know.
- Thank you. Thanks.

Look, can I talk to you a minute?

Okay, what?

- This James Woods, great actor.
- Yeah.

I don't take nothing away from
a guy when he's good, right?

Mm-hmm.

But he can't f*cking sing.
I mean, he's terrible.

He sounds like a cow stuck in a fence,

moaning and groaning

until the farmer comes
and gets him out of there.

He's always claiming he
has to save his voice,

so I was starting to get suspicious.

It was freaking me out a little bit,

'cause I need to hear him sing.

- Listen to me.
- Yeah?

I got your back.

Okay, everybody! Gather around!

Hey, everybody!

Oh, more theater bullshit
with "gather around."

No, it's not a theater
exercise, it's Liam's birthday.

- Oh.
- Everybody, come here.

It could ruin your career
and mine, you understand?

- I know. I know.
- Hey, uh, you got a minute?

Yeah, sure.

♪ Happy birthday to you ♪

♪ Happy birthday to you ♪

Wait a minute. Woods,
aren't you gonna sing?

Uh, not today. I-I-I don't feel like it.

The man's 79 years old.
Sing "Happy Birthday."

I got to protect my voice.

It's a man's birthday.
Protect your voice.

- Yeah, and I'm celebrating it.
- It's "Happy Birthday."

- Will you stop already, huh?
- Maybe you should stop.

Maybe you should f*cking blow me!

- Blow me! How does that sound?
- Oh, geez.

You m*therf*cker.

[WOMAN] All right, uh...

♪ Happy birthday to you ♪

Let me go handle this f*cking guy.

Okay. Happy...

I don't f*cking want to hear about it!

Jimmy, I'm trying to talk to you here.

- [SCOFFS] Jesus.
- I'm trying to talk...

Jimmy, I'm talking to you!

You got something to say, Dice?

You're not fooling me, Jimmy.

I know you can't sing worth sh*t.

Singing, Dice, is not my thing, okay?

I got other talents. I can,
you know, play the guitar.

I dance like the wind.

I'm hung like a f*cking alpha Clydesdale.

I got all that going
for me, but guess what,

I cannot f*cking sing.

You know, I thought they could
tweak this in post or something.

Turns out, in a live show,

they can't f*cking tweak anything, man.

Dice, it's gonna be a disaster.

Yeah, it's gonna be a disaster.

So, why don't you just quit,
for the good of the whole show?

Just quit.

Well, I thought about that.

Then I'd have to give
the two million dollars

back to the network.

I mean, you know, so...
I had to make a decision.

You know what I decided?

I decided... f*ck it.

I can't sing. Who cares?

You're getting two
million bucks for this?

That's why I don't want
to f*cking quit! Would you?

Okay, there's gonna be a
couple days of bad publicity.

Yeah, right. Then it's over.

And I still have two million dollars.

Jimmy, you're gonna make us
look like a bunch of idiots.

Oh! Oh, what? This is on me now?!

You're the star of the
show! Yes, it's on you!

A f*cking musical about James Monroe!

This show sucked from the beginning!

But it doesn't matter!

That's the thing about Americans, okay?

They're like f*cking goldfish.
They remember nothing!

You're a great actor.
What about your legacy?

- My f*cking legacy?
- Yeah.

Name the greatest actor in
the world. Me not included.

I don't know. Brando?

Marlon Brando, there you
go. Name his last five films.

I don't know, okay?

Of course, you f*cking
don't know! I don't know.

I know one of them. You know what it was?

The Island of Dr. Moreau.

Marlon Brando strolls around
a f*cking tropical island

with a f*cking puppet on his shoulder!

What happened? Nothing.

He still gets his new f*cking house.

His legacy? Still intact.

He's got Streetcar.

He's got Bridge On
the River Kawaii.

He's got the Godfather,
with the f*cking cotton balls

in his mouth, making people
offers they can't refuse.

And I am a legend, too.

I did The Way We Were
with Barbra Streisand

when she was 23 f*cking years old.

I did Salvador with Oliver Stone

before he was a left-wing nutcase.

Scorsese... I did Casino,
five f*cking lines, two days. Boom.

I brought that cocksucker back
from the bowels of the Bijou.

My f*cking legacy?

I got a legacy. I'm a legend.

You... You practice your
f*cking steps. Or don't.

I don't give a f*ck. How's that?

♪

- Teller, how you doing?
- Oh, hi.

You know, I know yesterday, you
told me something in confidence.

- Mm.
- I need a little favor.

From you and the other 11.

I need somebody fired.

It's for the good of Vegas.

[LAUGHS]

What are you laughing... Why
you laughing all of a sudden?

I was playing with you!

What do you mean, playing with me?

There's no "Twelve."

I don't get to do bits myself,

you know, 'cause I don't talk onstage.

So here's my chance to do a bit.

Oh, oh, "Take me to The Twelve! Ha!"

Oh, come on.

Okay. Just a bit.

You want one of these cupcakes? No?

Nah.

[LAUGHS]

It's just that, uh...

if anybody would know a bit, it's me.

You know what I mean?

I do bits all the time.

I'm the f*cking king of bits.

I've stood in front of
80,000 people and done bits.

I take every chance in the world.

Yeah. In school, I was
thrown out of every classroom

'cause of the bits I've done.

I wound up in a pool of blood
one time 'cause of a bit.

So I know that yesterday...

was no bit.

Okay, it wasn't a bit.

Got to reward a good ear.

We're actually having a meeting tonight.

I'll see what I can do.

You're a good man.

♪

[ENGINE STARTS]

[HORN HONKS]

Now, we're going to
have to make this quick.

Understand, these people

are thinking about water-flow systems

and who's gonna be the next Ms. Nevada.

So it's gonna be a short visit.

And here...

offer these, as a gift.

What are these, like magic donuts?

[SIGHS] Give them as a sign of respect.

Remember, these are the most
powerful people in Vegas.

They're not to be f*cked with.

No, I know, but, like, I open the box,

they don't, like, pop out
or... You know what I mean?

Just give them the f*cking donuts!

- All right. Okay, okay.
- Come on.

Donuts anybody?

[WOMAN] You can set them down.

♪

I come to you today seeking justice.

I'm doing a live play from Las Vegas.

It's called Monroe.

It's about, um...

you know, this, uh...

I'm not really sure what's
it's about. Some president.

I really, you know...

But there's a man in
the play, he can't sing.

But he doesn't care.

He's got everybody by the balls.

He just wants his f*cking money.

And you know what that does?

That's gonna make Las
Vegas look very bad.

Bottom line, this man needs to go.

And what is this man's name?

You're not even gonna
believe it when I tell you.

[VOICE BREAKING] I used
to respect this man.

This man's name is James Woods.

[HUSHED MURMURING]

Mr. Clay,

we've taken your
request under advisement,

but I'm afraid your request
is one we cannot grant.

Why?

Because f*ring this man

would break one of the
cardinal rules of The Twelve.

And what's that?

We don't move against one of our own.

What...

[WOODS] What? You still don't get it,

f*ck-o? Huh?

You think I got to go?

- I...
- No.

Is that what you think, huh?

No, friend. It's you...

- It's me...
- Now shut the f*ck up!

Don't say a word. Don't
say a word. Zip. Zip it.

You f*cking do not fire me!

I fire you.

♪ I fire you-ou-ou-ou ♪

♪ I fire you ♪

How good is this, huh?

- ♪ I... ♪
- Okay.

- ♪ I... ♪
- Okay.

- ♪ I fire you! ♪
- Goodbye! All right!

- Yeah, all right. f*ck you, too.
- Yeah, right, all right.

Get some f*cking sleeves.

[SIREN WAILING IN DISTANCE]

[SIGHS]

♪

♪ Ohhhhh ♪

♪ Red-brained woman ♪

♪ Oh, you move me so much ♪

♪ Trapped in my head ♪