03x03 - Episode 3

[bunniefuu]

Anything?

Linda!

What you got?

Ring pull - 78.

Kestrel Super.

Kestrel.

Super.

♪ Will you search through
the lonely earth for me?

♪ Climb through
the briar and bramble?

♪ I'll be your treasure

♪ I'm waiting for you

What?

Go, go, go!

Go, go!

I said I'd meet you at
the end of the road.

Yeah, well, you weren't there.

Couldn't you have waited?

Look, you know the deal -

first to arrive gets first
choice of the field.

Can't afford to let Terra Firma,
or whatever else they're calling

themselves today,
get there before us.

Oh, yeah.

I had a brilliant dream last night.

Yeah?

Brilliant.

You have got to be joking me!

Bastards!

You strapped in?

Go, go, go, go, go, go, go!

Woohoo! Woohoo!

Stick that up your Arado!

That was brilliant! That was like
Hill Street Blues or... or...

or chips or summat!

When we came to that gradual
bend to the right.

I was right on his tail.

You were glued to the road.

Oh, that was just terrific!
Good times.

Good times!

So you don't think you were
even hypnotised?

Oh, I know I wasn't. Nowhere near.

I pretended I was, but wasn't.

And when you got on the boat,
you were just as sick?

Sicker. It was just foam by the end.

Ah, here they are at last -
Wallace and Gromit.

Too late. Find your own field.

Mate! Mate!

Come here!

Better be bloody worth it.

What?

Look at these.
Just pushed up out of this molehill.

What are they?

Bits of pottery. Oh, for fu...

Listen! Look, you know I can't
get excited about stoneware.

Listen a minute. Look, I've
just come from over there.

I've got a really good signal.

Just look at these, look.
They're black on one side.

So? It's a cooking pot.

No, no, no,
it's blackened on the inside.

I know this stuff. I recognise it.

I think this was a cremation urn,
and this - this was a Roman burial.

Wait!

Wait a minute! Wait!

You bastard!

Wasn't my fault.

You told 'em it was here?

No. Well, then, it was your fault.

And anyway, it wouldn't
have made any difference.

In fact, it would have made
'em get rid of it sooner.

What's going on?

Andy, for Christ's sake!
You don't understand, do you?

There's no money to be made
from a little bit of Roman mosaic.

It just slows down construction.

These guys in Dubai or
wherever it is, they just want

their office block built so they
can start turning over a profit.

So what are we even doing here?

You had to lift the flagstone,
didn't you?

If there's one thing I've learnt
from very early in this job,

you don't lift the flagstone.

You don't know what's
going to be underneath.

Right, that's it. I quit.

Tim? I said I'm off.

For the day? No, I'm leaving.

For the day? No, for good.

So you're quitting? Yes.
Well, why didn't you say that?

I did! You didn't hear. Would have
made things a bit clearer.

I did say it. I'll say it again.
I quit.

Right.

I'll do the paperwork.

I'm sorry about the mosaic.

See ya.

Hi, darling.

Hello, sweetheart.

Oh!

All right, Colin? I thought you
was Toni. She about? Cheers.

Watcha! Finished?

Yeah. You just starting?

Yeah. Night shift.

Oh, well, ships in the night.

I just called Colin darling.

Why?

Thought it was you.

Because of the beard?

Yeah.

How did that go down? Really well.
We're having dinner tomorrow night.

Oh, nice. He doesn't live
on a boat, then?

Oh. Sorry.

Wish you hadn't told me
the hypnotism worked.

I thought it had.

You were just humouring me
all along.

Not deliberately.
I was humouring myself.

Anyway, I've been thinking.

I'm going to lend Kate my car
so she can go away this weekend.

The TR7? Yep. You'll never do it.

I've decided. I will.
Beggars can't be choosers.

Desperate situations
call for desperate measures.

Beggars can't be choosers?
Who's the beggar - me or you?

That wasn't a very good
choice of words.

Desperate situations?

I could have worded that
better as well.

Anyway, my point is that...

I'm not sure I'm up for being
part of a desperate situation.

All feels a bit silly.

Anyway, I was thinking of seeing
my dad this weekend. No, don't.

Well, do, if you want to, but I am
going to lend Kate my car, so... yes.

There.

Have a good shift.
Drink coffee if you feel tired.

See ya.

Hey. Hi. Guess where we're going?

Where?

To look at a flat. Are we?

Yes! Don't be cross.

I saw it online and it looked really
good, so I booked an appointment.

Thought we were way off being
able to afford anything.

Well, I did some sums.
I think I underestimated.

With your job guaranteed, I think

we can get a mortgage
on something like this.

Let's just look at it, see if it's
the sort of thing we can afford.

Yeah, cool.

How was work today?
How was the mosaic?

Um...

Yeah, no, there wasn't anything
left of it after all.

Oh, shame. Maybe there's
more of it elsewhere.

Yeah, maybe.

Oh! Hello?

I'm looking for Lance.

Are you now? And, er, who
might you be, may I ask?

I'm Maggie.

Well, Maggie, you'd better get to
the back of the queue because

that man is mine, and nobody else
is sinking their claws into him!

Oh.

I'm fooling with you!
I'm Kate. I'm Lance's daughter.

His daughter?

Yeah. I get that reaction
a lot, actually.

Surprise at my very existence,
like I'm a mythical creature.

Like a unicorn. Exactly.

Or a dolphin.

Er, is Lance expecting you? Because
I'm actually just out the door.

Yeah. Yeah, I'm a bit early.

OK, well, you'd better come in
and wait. Oh, thank you.

Oh, er, sorry about the mess.
That's my fault.

Oh, don't worry about that.
Er, make yourself a cup of tea.

Thanks. I'll see you.
It's nice to meet you, Maggie.

Yeah, bye, Kate. Bye.

Eurgh!

Hello, hi! Um... ooh!

It's all right. Oh!

Hi. Becky? Yes. Kelvin. Hi.

Hi, Kelvin.
This is my husband, Andy.

Thanks for doing this
at such short notice.

Hello. No, it's fine, no problem.
Keys. That's good.

OK.

It smells like a jumbo jet.

Oh, this is a good feature.
Lights on!

Lights on now!

Lights! Turn on now! There.

Cool.

And you can use voice recognition
with that,

so only you can turn the lights on.

Why would you do that?

So the burglars have to
use their own torches.

Is there a problem with burglars?

No. Er...

This is the bathroom.

Underfloor heating throughout
and... heated mirror.

Warm reflection?

No condensation.

All the skylights
are hermetically sealed,

so is the air-conditioning filters
so it recycles and sterilises

the air whilst maintaining
the pressure in the room.

There's a slice of bread
on that skylight.

Oh, yeah.

Seagulls.

This is the front room.

Kitchen, washer, drier, sink,

gas hob - one to four -
with a hood going outside.

Um... Cupboard under the sink.

And, er, this is the floor.

And we try to use as many reclaimed
and recycled materials as possible.

For instance,

these worktops are actually made
from reconstituted hospitals.

Hospitals? Yep.

Demolished buildings, ground up
and graded and set in resin,

and you'd never know. I mean, look.

Oh. Where do they get
the hospitals from?

Uganda.

What about the garden?

The garden is communal.

I can see a shed. Whose is the shed?

It's the gardener's.
He comes once a week.

Can I use the shed?

You will not be allowed
access to the shed.

OK, well, nice to meet you.
Cheers, yeah.

It's worse than not having
a shed at all,

having a clear view of
somebody else's shed.

The voice-activated light switches
were a time-saver, though.

Sorry, but that was about
as far from my idea of a home
as you can get.

All right! I don't see you
coming up with many options.

No, sorry, I was just saying.

Looks like we're going to have
a little bit longer to wait.

Oh, morning, Lance.

Morning, Mags, love.

What...?

Maggie?

Is that you?

Hello, love.

Sorry, you looked tired,
you were yawning.

I'm just having a little bath.

It's all right, innit?

What you doing here, Maggie?

What are you doing here?

Oh, Lance, it was awful.

He turned out to be a real knob.

A w*nk*r, yeah.

He fooled everyone. Well...

How could I have been so stupid?

I couldn't see past his...

..his broad chest and manly arms.

Must have been hard to.

You know that Tracey Ullman song,
Fast Car?

Tracy Chapman, yeah.

It was like that.

I had a job that paid all our bills,

he stayed out late
drinking at the bar.

It was exactly like that song.

Except he didn't have a fast car.

He had a Toyota Yaris. Average.

Listen, Maggie,
you can't stay here.

Oh, it'll only be for a few nights.

Your daughter's away,
I can have her room.

But I've got a girlfriend.

Have you? Oh, ain't that nice?

You deserve it, Lance.

She's supposed to be staying
the weekend.

I'll be quiet as a mouse.

Voicemail.

Oh, hi, love.

Ah, sorry, bad timing,
you'll be driving to work.

Anyway, I just wanted to tell you,

Kate's decided she's
not going away this weekend.

I offered her to take my car,
but she's got a stinking cold

and she's all tucked up.

So...

..maybe next weekend?

Anyway,

give us a call
when you get this message.

Bye.

Aeroplane mode...

..set.

Slippery slope, mate.

Slippery slope.

Andy?

Got any AA batteries?

What's that?

Batteries, AA?

Front pocket of my bag.

You may want to come
and have a look at this.

What you got, Roman?

Come and see.

Tell me you've not found gold?

You're acting strangely.
Have you found gold?

Maybe I have, maybe I haven't.

No.

What?

Noooooooooooo!

No, no, no!

Ah!

Oh, no.

I didn't even touch it,
I haven't picked it up.

I wanted to take a
photo of it in situ.

Did you see the glint of gold
as it flew away?

Did you see it?

Well, I saw a glint.

To be honest, it looked
more silver in the light.

You take that back.

Or copper alloy.

It was gold.

Oh.

Just swooped down in one movement,
and then it was away,

over the trees,
never to be seen again.

Right in front of your eyes?

Right in front of our eyes. Huh!

Hang on, hang on.

Why are you telling all this
with such glee?

I'm not.

Yes, you are.

It's like you've become
Mr I've Got Great News.

Mr I've Got Exciting News
To Tell Everyone.

"Away over the trees,

"never to be seen again."

Incredible to witness that, really.

A magpie stealing a coin.

At least you got
an anecdote out of it.

I don't want an anecdote.

Make a nice children's story.

The Tale Of The Magpie...

I want a gold coin.

..And The Greedy Man.

What was it, the coin?

Septimius Severus, I think,
but I didn't even see the obverse.

I didn't touch it.

Well, I don't think you'll be
seeing that again, in my experience.

And what is your experience
of this, Russell?

I'm sorry to snap, mate,

but what experience have
you had of this sort of thing?

Lost a Frisbee once.

Did you check your hole?

Oh, it wasn't in the hole, Hugh.

I told you, it came out in the plug.

I know, but you did check the hole?

You did check your hole,
didn't you, Lance?

Well, I was in shock,
I... I didn't...

We just ran away, we....

Oh, I gotta take this.

How many times?

Always check your hole.

I mean, if that is a burial,
like you think,

and there's bits of burnt pot,
there could be more gold down there.

I know, I can't believe he
didn't check.

Well, you need to get down there
first thing, secure the permission.

You should camp out.

Yeah. Well, I mean, I would,

but I don't think Lance
has ever camped in his life.

He likes his creature comforts
too much.

Hello, Mags?

You all right?

Hello, love.

Now, listen, I found a bottle.

Hope you don't mind.

I've already had a glass,
but I don't want to get too giggly.

Oh!

What time will you be back?

Anyone got a tent?

I reckon we should camp out.

Ah!

That's Orion, look.

And that's his belt.

One, two, three in a row.

You see that?

Mate, I'm not five.

I know what Orion looks like.

Show me another constellation,

then I'll be impressed.

You're looking for the Plough,
aren't you?

Yeah.