03x05 - No Limit

[bunniefuu]

Really heavy.

This was, like, a monsoon of a period.

It lasted, like, over two weeks.

Sometimes, our ovaries...
they just get lazy.

Yeah, and I guess these are what
you would call hot flashes.

I can't believe this is actually
finally happening to me.

Also, plus, my ex-husband

is repeatedly raping me every night.

Excuse me?

In my dreams.

No, not dreams.

They're nightmares, in my nightmares.

U-Uh, I'm sorry, that,
uh... sounds awful.

Do you think it's, like, hormones?

You think this is it?

I mean, this has got to
be it. This is it, right?

Well, we'll take your blood today

and again in six months.

And if you don't get another period,

then you will be in perimenopause.

We'll also check your FSH levels.

Below 20 is normal, above
30 is change of life.

This is normal.

You're degenerating.

Oh. Thank you.

You're coming into your gland finale.

Like, the fireworks at the
end of the Fourth of July.

Okay, yes. Yes!

I can't wait to have a full beard.

Or a soul patch.

Okay, well.

Uh, let's have a look.

Please put your heels
up in the stirrups.

Okay.

Okay.

Uh, could you please, uh,
scoot down a little bit.

- Little bit further, please?
- Okay.

I'm-I'm sorry to ask,

but are you gonna put on gloves?

Oh, yes, I am.

Um, I always do.

See? Right here.

- Okay, good.
- Got it.

Sorry. I didn't mean to
question your professionalism.

Does it, does it bother you
that I asked you that?

Nah, we're all good, Sam.

Okay, good.

Because, if you think
about it, Dr. Chen,

there's just one thin layer of latex

that is the difference
between you examining me

and you fingering me.

You know what I'm saying?

Let's just try to relax.

Yeah.

Uh, wiggle your toes, please.

Why?

It, uh, it helps to
open you up down there.

First thing on your disclaimer...

Entrants use this facility
at their own risk.

Unsafe driving conditions can lead

to injuries and/or death.

So please be aware

- of the front two pedals...
- Hey, buddy.

Sorry to interrupt, but I...

Can you talk a little bit louder?

- I can't hear you.
- Mom. Stop.

He's telling us important safety things.

We're about to operate
dangerous machinery.

- We need to hear this.
- It's not important, Sam.

It's safety B.S. and legal disclaimers

that would never hold up in court.

Mom? Mom.

Can I have more quarters for air hockey?

I gave you ten dollars.
You already spent it?

Uh-huh, on the claw machine.
Can we have more?

- And we want to play air hockey.
- Where's Pepper?

She's over there playing
at the pool table.

Okay.

- Okay?
- Bye.

I love you. T.Y. T.Y. T.Y.

Okay, you're welcome. Y.W.

Please, continue.

So.

Keep a three-yard distance
between each kart

- on the way, so if you get be...
- Buddy.

Bro, not to be an assh*le,

but I still can't hear you. Not at all.

Listen, I know this probably
isn't your dream job,

but what you do here is important.

You provide a very important service,

so we need to hear you.

Okay, yeah, sure.

Mom, do you want to ride
the go-karts, or not?

No, I really don't.

But I'm trying to give
you guys a fun childhood

and at the same time, to
not die or get paralyzed.

All right, Mom,

stop being so dramatic.

And you, sir, are the only
thing that sits between

my family and a horrible tragedy.

So please make your
instructions clearer.

Sing out, Louise.

- Um, Ollivier.
- Oh.

- My name's Ollivier.
- Oh, he's Ollivier.

- Oh.
- Ollivier.

- Oh.
- So funny, man.

- I'm Ollivier, as well.
- That's crazy, man.

Nice to meet you, Ollivier.

Right back at you, man.

Give us your instructions,
Go-Kart Ollivier.

Um, entrants use this
facility at their own risk.

Any unsafe driving
conditions can lead to

injuries and/or death.

There we have our first two pedals.

The green pedal is for acceleration,

and the red pedal is for the brakes.

You got the wrong one.

Hey! Fun mom!

Yes.

I'm a wheelman from way back.

Yes, I am.

Fun, right?

Hey, Mom, hot behind.

I love you, Mom!

Me, more!

- Shotgun.
- Duke, don't.

Don't try.

Hey, hey, hey, hey.

- Getting in the car.
- Hey, no. No. Hey.

- Duke. Duke. No, get out.
- What? What?

- Hey! Stop. Are you kidding me?
- Out. Out.

Are you coming home for dinner?

Uh, I don't know.

Why? This is unfair.

- Those are so sweet.
- No, it's not unfair.

- Will you send me those?
- Mm-hmm.

You've been getting it all this time.

Stop, stop! You got all
last week, you got it.

- I will always get it, I'm older.
- Guys.

Listen, technically, you're too small

to legally sit in the front seat.

- Shut up!
- Enough.

- Mom could get arrested, you know.
- You're so rude!

Hey! That's enough.

Be quiet. Stop it.

- Hey!
- Selfish!

- I'm done.
- Super dramatic, Mom.

So mean.

Oh.

Okay, I tell you what.

You have one minute.

You can say anything you
want to each other.

Anything. You get it all out.

Say the worst things
that pop into your head.

Anything.

And then it's over.

Okay?

- Anything?
- Anything.

For real, Mom? Like, bad words?

Really bad words?

Yep, no limit.

Cursing? We can curse?

Yes, go for it.

But then it's over. Okay?

Let me see you fight.

You can really get it all out.

Just say all the bad
things to each other.

One minute.

And, go.

- Bitch, f*cking assh*le.
- Little baby.

- Mommy's little perfect angel.
- Selfish, fishpussy psycho.

- Manipulative.
- d*ck breath.

- Get everything you want.
- sh*t licker.

- Manipulative, spoiled...
- Psycho.

Cock, douche sack, fuckface!

What just happened?

- I'm dizzy.
- Jew.

Your mouth!

Oh, my God!

- Duke!
- No!

Did she just say that?

I'll wash out your mouth with soap.

That's it.

No, Pepper, close your ears.

That's the worst thing.

Oh, my God. Wash your
mouth out with soap.

Oh, my God, I'm done.

I didn't know you knew those words!

Happy birthday.

- What can this be?
- It's called The Womanizer.

It, um, well, it sucks on your clit.

- Oy.
- Sam, Sam.

- It's for your clit.
- I don't like it.

They did a study. Half of all
women orgasm within 60 seconds.

- What? 60 seconds?
- 60 seconds.

Excuse me.

I'm sorry it doesn't come attached

to an actual living,
breathing man, but...

they seem to be all off with
25-year-olds these days.

Oh, yeah. That's because
we've aged out of our men,

like kids age out of the
foster care system.

Facts on facts on facts on facts.

That's it.

- Thank you.
- Double fist.

Ooh. Ooh. What?

I don't, I don't see a
ring. I don't have a ring.

- Who doesn't, even?
- My husband is just boring.

He wasn't always boring. He's boring.

And he talks and all I hear is...

White noise.

You're so lucky you got out, Sam.

I am next, goddamm it. I'm next!

Hello, ladies. Uh, so,
tonight's special...

Oh, honey, hi, listen, no
offense, but could we have him?

'Cause we never get to look
at anything nice like that.

Come on, you get to
f*ck him, we just want

- to play with him a little.
- Seems fair.

Buonasera, grazie.

Don't give me that look. Did
you see that look she...

I'll k*ll you, I'll k*ll you.

Tonight I'm gonna do rails,
I'm gonna f*ck that waiter,

and I'm gonna leave my husband.

It's all happening
tonight, all happening.

Thank you.

Buonasera, signorine.

Buonasera.

Buonasera.

Da che parte dell'Italia vien?

- Naples.
- Oh.

Come hai imparato a parlare
cosi bene italiana?

Well, I spent summers in Avellino.

Hai visitato il Santuario
di Montevergine?

Of course.

I spent my 40th birthday in Avellino.

You are not 40.

- Um, yeah, I am 40.
- Not possible.

Shut up.

Yes, look.

I got this necklace

on my 40th birthday.

It's made from a
230-year-old Italian coin.

So pretty. Marcello, you
have them all to yourself.

This isn't fair.

You have to share.

I'll share.

Oh, my God.

When they do that, it makes me
feel like we're in wheelchairs

lined up outside the nursing home.

Just put a thin blanket over my legs

- and point me towards the sun.
- Ugh.

- When did we start being that?
- About ten years ago.

Yeah, and about 20 years ago,
I would've believed them.

And then they would've tried
to take us to a club after

and most of us would've gotten laid.

Oh, me the most. Me the most laid.

We're irrelevant.

- We're obsolete.
- We're disgusting.

Absolutely disgusting.

I have a belly and a
beard and my period.

My stomach's trying to f*ck my p*ssy.

You realize this is as good as
we're ever gonna look, right?

It's just gonna go downhill from here.

I know. 100%.

Can't wait, though.

Yeah.

This is... a goal of life.

This was part of my flow chart.

Do you and Danny still
do it every day?

Well, in a word... yes.

Sometimes more than once.

But do you guys pretend to-to,
like, be other people,

other people came over
to the house, like,

"Oh, hello. Nice to meet you."

They were $379, it's real gold.

I love you.

All right, who wants to go
to the bathroom? Anybody?

Exactly.

Don't you want to go to the bathroom?

- No, I'm with Lala.
- You don't want to go...

No, I don't want to.

- Whoa!
- Hi.

I'm so sorry I'm late. I can't
believe I even made it.

It's good to see you. I'm
glad you made it, too.

- I can't believe we're here.
- How's Randy?

Oh, he's okay, but his dad is dying.

- Oh...
- Yes.

Shitshow as usual.

I'm taking care of the
boys alone and his mama.

Meanwhile, I'm supposed
to get back to Thailand

to finish the film.

Where in the hell is everybody else?

- Bathroom.
- Yeah.

- Already?
- Mm-hmm.

Oh, yes. Mama blow.

At last. Ladies, I gots to go.

I see you.

What's that for, huh?

- How's Tom?
- He's good.

- And the twins?
- I like one of them.

Hmm. I like one of mine,
too. I'm not naming names.

Why did we put ourselves
through all this?

It's insane. Nobody told me
it was gonna be this hard.

I suffered through four
years of IVF for this sh*t.

I could've spent the money on a house.

A big house.

Yeah. But it's just so rewarding...

Yeah, right. Not when
Tionna's screaming "no" at me

and telling me, "You're the
meanest mom in the whole world,"

and nobody loves her.

Mm.

And Tom's passed out in the living room,

and Essex just wants his attention,

and I work the longest hours.

- You said mama blow?
- Oh, listen, I know what I'm doing.

- Oh, I need a chair.
- Oh.

We need a chair.

I haven't had any surgery at all.

What? What are you looking at?

Just a little, little injection.

- Oh!
- That's a Sicilian curse.

She put the mark on you.

She got the eye, the evil
eye! Call it the fury.

Sam, Sam, Sam, Sam, Sam...

Mm-mm.

Come on. You got to plank.

- Like RBG.
- Oof.

I don't know if I can
do this today, Ida.

What? It's the best thing
for your hangover.

You'll feel better, honey, I promise.

Oh.

Oh, my.

The undercarriage smells.

What?

Ramen. The ramen noodle.

- Ew... oh, my God.
- I'm serious.

Oof. Is that me?

Or is that you?

Honey, I'm chicken broth,

but it smells like you've
got a whole can of tuna

shoved up there.

It's pretty strong, bro.

This is embarrassing.

Well, it's not a hygiene thing.

It's the fish oil I'm
taking, for fertility.

Fish oil for fertility?

Last night you were making
plans to leave your husband.

That was... Look, I had too much wine.

Your hand was up the waiter's shirt.

It most certainly was not.

I'm sorry.

Your smell.

I'm gonna be sick.

Jesus, Mom.

Are you pregnant? Is that,
is that even possible?

Get out. Get out.

Did you drink too much last night?

I had two glasses of wine.

Bullshit, you always have
more than two glasses.

That's just something moms say,
"I only had two glasses,"

when they really had more like four,

but they don't want their kids
to think they're driving drunk.

- Get out of the room right now.
- I mean, you hit your head

pretty hard the other day.

I mean, the-the-the contact,

the way your head snapped forward.

I'm pretty sure you have whiplash.

Or maybe you're pregnant.

Am I gonna have a baby brother, Sam?

Anyway,

you're sick from the whiplash.
I looked it up on WebMD.

Symptoms include nausea,
headaches and dizziness.

What do you say when you
get good medical advice?

You're welcome.

Sam?

Sam... girls? I'm so
stupid, I've lost my key.

Sam? Hello? Someone?

I've lo... oh, it doesn't matter.

Okay.

Did you have a very salty
f*cking meal last night?

Excuse me?

A salty f*cking meal.

Did you have one last night?

Um, no. Why?

Well, your blood pressure is
through the roof. 168/110.

Oh.

I don't want to put you
on BP meds just yet,

so, you know, we'll
just keep an eye on it.

- Okay.
- Your intake form here

says that you hurt yourself go-karting?

What the f*ck were you doing that for?

I took my kids.

Come on.

Move your hair.

- Does that hurt?
- Nah, it's just tender.

Relax. Relax.

- Relax, come on.
- Okay.

Okay. I think you have a muscle strain.

The soreness will go away in
a few days, but, you know,

go and see a f*cking chiropractor
if it keeps bothering you.

Now, what about this, uh, insomnia

that you wrote down over here?

I can't sleep. And when I
finally do get to sleep,

I have nightmares that my ex-husband

is repeatedly raping me.

What the f*ck?

Have you been under a
lot of stress lately?

I guess so. I don't know.

Okay. Well, you need to
let some of that sh*t go.

Otherwise, it's gonna
f*cking k*ll you. Okay?

All of it. Just let it go.

You know, your hang-ups, your
f*cking beefs, your past,

your future, all of those
f*cking worries, all right?

All of it. Listen to me.

Listen. Let it go.

This advice is gonna put
years back on your life.

Okay, Dr. Babu, but I think
it's a little more complicated

- than just letting it go.
- No, it f*cking isn't.

Look, if you come to me
complaining of a burning hand

and you're holding a hot f*cking iron,

well, guess what I'm gonna say?

"Let it f*cking go"?

Now you understand.

Well, there's a lot of it to let go of.

So what? Let it go.

First off, I took my daughter to college

and she dropped out and
moved back into the house.

- f*ck her.
- And then there's, uh,

a mountain of mom sh*t that I
have to get through every day.

What, errands? Who doesn't, huh?

- Let it go.
- No.

No, errands are, like, groceries
and going to the post office.

- Mm-hmm. Yeah.
- The real mom stuff.

Soccer club sign-ups and dance classes

and tutors and tuition payments
and parent-teacher conferences

and schools and camps that
I have to get them into,

and, and mean girl issues
with my youngest at school

and birth control with my oldest and...

cruelty from my middle daughter!

And then there's my own mom,

who is driving me nuts,
and I'm pretty sure

she has a mental something disorder

and my middle daughter
is hitting puberty hard.

- Mm-hmm.
- And I...

am definitely going through menopause,

yet I still get my period and I
have a beard and two mortgages,

so, yeah, Dr. Babu, it's like,

it's a lot, and some mornings, I just...

- Oh, my God.
- ...you know, lay in bed,

in my room, and I stare at the ceiling

and I just say I just can't
do it anymore. I just can't.

I just can't, I just
can't, I can't, I can't.

So, anyway, could you please
just give me some Xanax

or Ativans or Ambiens or something?

Anything you think that'll help
me get a full night's sleep,

because that's what I
really need, Birju.

I need a full night of sleep.

You're f*cked up. All right?

You need to start taking
care of your brain.

You know, sh*t like
this is caused by gunic

and doshic imbalances, which
lead to a clouding of, uh,

perception and a loss of
understanding. All right?

Okay.

I want you to see that guy.
He's a psychotherapist.

Hey. Look, listen.

At least four sessions with him, okay?

And then I'll write you a
script for sleeping meds.

- Deal?
- Fine.

Oh, and also, do you
want to get an HPV sh*t?

There are hundreds of strains of HPV.

We have a vaccine against nine of them.

I'm sure you have all nine.

Uh...

- Yeah.
- Okay.

Good. Great.

Feel better, and try to
have a good f*cking day.

- Okay.
- All right, I'll talk to you later.

You f*cking, too.

Yeah.