03x06 - What Is Jeopardy?

[bunniefuu]

Mom?

-Hmm?
-A guy had to cut off his penis

because he got his d*ck
stuck in a jar.

Don't tell me that.

He was 50 years old.

Why?

Mom.

Come on.

Well... did he die?

I don't know.

- Ugh.
- Mom?

Remember I told you
Paisley's dating this,

like, 70-year-old guy?

-Yeah?
-Well,

he won't have
sex with her until she's...

Oh, thank God!

Mom, you didn't let me finish.

Oh.

He won't have sex with her
until she turns 21?

She asked hopefully
in a very high voice.

No he won't have sex with her
unless she's, like,

completely shaved,
like, completely.

Max, do you mind?
Duke is sitting right there.

What?
I can know about it.

- It's fine.
- Allô.

C'est moi.

A Certain Age, $800.

A common Jewish surname.

It's German for "black."

-What is Schwartz?!
-Schvartze!

- Schwartz.
- Correct.

All
In The Family, 2,000.

In the King James
Bible, these three words

starting with a relative,

precede "for they know not
what they do."

-What is "Father forgive them?"
-"Father forgive them!"

What is "Father, forgive them?"

Right. Magic and
sorcery in the Bible for eight.

This Babylonian king had
his own group of magicians,

but it was Daniel
who interpreted his dreams.

-Who is Nebuchadnezzar?
-Nebuchadnezzar.

- Yes.
- Good. We both won.

No, you didn't win,
because you didn't

put it in the form
of a question.

-Oh, thank you.
-You're welcome.

Is it good?

-Yeah.
-So, these boys asked me

to do a photo sh**t for like,

- their rehab group or...
- Mm-hmm.

some kind of bullshit,

and, um, they asked me to invite

my girlfriends,
and it turns out

they were just trying to get me
to take naked pictures of them.

And they thought because I was
sh**ting it, it would be okay.

The f*ck?

So stupid.

Well, boys will be boys.

They certainly know
how to take any advantage

to gawp at young girls' bosoms.

It's so childish.

Why did you leave my dad?

What?

Frankie, shut up.

No.

Why did you leave my dad?

Frankie, that was
a long time ago.

Well, yeah,
but you never told us.

You-you never told us.
You...

you sat us down
and gave us that bullshit talk

and then we all went
to the movies.

But you never told us why.

It's true, Mom.

You never told us.

Did your father
say something to you

when you saw him on Tuesday?

This is not about
what my father said to me.

This is about
what you haven't said to me.

Why did you leave my dad?

Oh, I beg your pardon.

I've made a pong.
Uh-oh.

Oh.

Gran.

Oh, okay. Gross.

Goodness me.

Thanks, Mom.

No problem.

♪ I'll always be ♪

♪ Thankful ♪

♪ I'll always be. ♪

Okay.

Yeah.

No, I'm not okay, but...

Bye.

I don't know what
you want me to say.

♪ I'm the fattest
person in the land ♪

♪ I'm the fatty
patty patty man. ♪

Hi.
How are you?

-How you doing?
-I'm okay.

What's wrong?

Why you cry?

Doesn't matter.

I just...

Bleh.

What were you doing today?

Hmm.

Well, I have therapy.

Yep.

Yep, I do.

I have doctor
medical prescribed

mental therapy.

Good, Mom.
You need it.

Oh, thank you so much.

What are you gonna do today?

I... don't know.

I'm supposed
to see a show tonight.

I'm sh**ting a band.

Cool.

-Can I borrow your boots?
-Nope. Absolutely not.

-Mom!
-No, you can't.

Mom, they're just gonna
stay in your closet.

-Please, please, can I borrow the boots?
-Nope. No.

No, you can't, honey.

What's wrong?

My boyfriend broke up with me.

Oh.

Which one?

Um, the black ones
with the roses.

No, I meant which boyfriend.

Okay, that's
really funny, Mom.

Now I feel bad
about myself again.

Come on.
Come on.

Turn around.

Turn around, turn away.

-Turn away.
-Why do you have that?

It's so weird you keep your
f*cking boots in a safe.

Oh, what about those?
Can I have those?

No! No, no, no, no.

You absolutely can't, no.
No, honey.

You know why?

My grandmother
left me a gold bracelet,

I had a rare book
and a ruby ring,

and you know what?
They're all gone.

They're all gone.

You guys just take it.

You take away things.
So...

Go ahead.
Take these boots.

I'm never gonna see 'em again.

But I am keeping these boots.

And my safe.

You're welcome.

Can we go out?
Can we get tacos?

Didn't you hear
what I was singing before?

I'm the fatty, patty,
patty, patty, fatty man.

Duh. Yes.

-Okay.
-Tacos.

Seriously?
I could...

climb over the...

Okay.

Well, this kind of stress
at home is very common.

Oh, really? Is it?
Is this common?

Uber, Uber, Uber, Uber,

Uber, Uber, Uber, Uber, Uber,
Lyft, Lyft,

Postmates, Venmo,

Spotify, Instafollow,

Lyft, Uber, Uber, Uber,

Uber, Uber, Lyft,

Postmates, Postmates,
Editing Bunny.

I don't know...
why this makes me so angry.

I know they have to get places

and I can't be everywhere.

I just... I-I...

It... When I see it

in this big, giant, pile

of turd money bullshit...

I need somebody to weigh in.

Like, is this okay?
Is this how people are doing it?

Or am I completely
screwing everything up?

Yes.

"There are no strangers here,

only friends we have not met."

♪ Fried ham, fried ham ♪

♪ Cheese and bologna,
after the macaroni ♪

♪ We'll have... ♪

♪ Pickles, onions,
and pretzels ♪

♪ Then we'll have some more
fried ham, fried ham. ♪

♪ I'm gonna pack my bags
and turn around ♪

♪ I'm gonna turn this camp
right upside down ♪

♪ I'm gonna drink and smoke
and neck and peck ♪

♪ So what the heck,
to hell with the... ♪

I guess it really
has been that long.

-♪ To hell with the Ca... ♪
-♪ Camp ♪

-♪ Camp Teak girls ♪
-♪ ...Camp Teak boys ♪

-♪ Camp Teak girls ♪
-♪ Camp Teak boys ♪

-♪ Wear boxers ♪
-♪ Are fairies ♪

-Hoh...
-Yeah, you see that?

I knew I wasn't that
forgettable.

Blowing your mind a little bit?

A little bit.

Yeah.

Hi.

♪ Why make believe... ♪

Little Deezy Miller.

And now Dr. Little Deezy Miller.

But I'll take David
from my old camp buddy.

Oh. Okay.

What?
We weren't buddies?

Oh, no, I don't know.

I mean, is that
what you call every girl

you went behind
the infirmary with?

You are every girl I went
behind the infirmary with.

♪ They tell me it's only ♪

♪ Make-believe... ♪

I was red team.
60s?

Oh, God, that's right.
Yeah, and you wore that, uh,

Led Zeppelin shirt
with the sleeves cut off

for that whole week.

You were so cute.
God, you k*lled me.

♪ That you adore... ♪

So...

still got that shirt?

♪ Darling, I find ♪

♪ I'm getting worried... ♪

Yes!

What happened?

You've been playing in the
street again is what happened.

No, I... I wasn't, I...

If your mother finds out

you've been playing
in the street again,

you're gonna
be in a lot of trouble.

I don't feel good.

All right. Come on.
You're fine.

Just a little shaken up.

How many fingers?

Three.

Good girl. All right.

Need a little lie down is all.

Now, get yourself back in
and get cleaned up

before your mother catches you.

Okay.
Wait, where's my skateboard?

Go.

We should probably talk
about you at some point.

Mm-hmm. Sure. Yeah.

Or, I don't know, you could
maybe just give me the dr*gs.

Dr. Babu said that you would
try to shake me down.

But so far all I know is either

somebody stole your credit card

or, um, you have
a teenager at home.

Two, and a younger.

And you think that
they're contributing

to your sleep issues?

No. No.
They don't keep me up anymore.

I don't even fall asleep,
I just pass out.

All right.

Ugh.

Ugh!

I keep...

I keep having these
dreams that I'm constantly

getting sexed on by my ex,

and it's happening
very frequently,

meaning every single night.

How long since the divorce?

Uh, it's been, like,
four or five hundred years.

So was it an amicable split?

Um... jeesh,

I don't want to...

I don't...

Well, we don't have to
get into that right now.

But I will say that even after
a contentious relationship,

there can be residual feelings

-No. No. No. No.
-that have to be dealt with.

-Otherwise they can
continue to fester -Nope.

-beneath the surface.
-No. Nope. Wrong. Wrong.

Sorry, that's stupid.

If your ex-husband
was here right now,

what would you say to him?

Why didn't you drown
in a puddle of diarrhea yet?

Hello, Sam.

Hello.

Be stiffer.

More stiff and awkward,

yet charming.

More stiff and awkward
than that?

Mm-hmm, mm-hmm.

Hello, Sam.

Yeah, hi.

What happened?

-Why did you summon me?
-Um...

because I've been having dreams,

and they're fairly
disturbing to me.

What happens in the dreams?

I don't want to talk about it.

Well, maybe you
better talk about it.

I mean, you called me.

I've been having dreams
that we're f*cking.

Sex dreams things.

Oh, gosh.

This makes me very, very,

very, very uncomfortable.

I'm not attracted to you.

I'm not attracted to you either.

But do you remember
the thing that...

we used to do, we did?

Jesus.

Yeah, of course.
I remember, yeah.

-Do you?
-I remember.

I don't think that
it's a good idea

-that we do this.
-Same.

But just for the record...

I'll do it if you want to.

I don't have
that outfit anymore.

You have the boots?

Yes, I have the boots.

-Do you have the underwear?
-Shut up.

Yes.

I'm fully erect right now.

Ugh.
I'm sick to my stomach.

Well, you were always that way
before we did that.

This is bad.
I know that this is bad.

You know, and also,
I'm offended a little bit.

I resent you

for pulling us into this moment,
because we both know

that you're the one
that's in control.

-It's not fair, Sam.
-I don't care,

you can hang up any time.

I'm going back to my hotel.

If you want, you can go home,
get the boots,

get that underwear.

My flight leaves tomorrow
at 7:00 a.m.

And I don't know how I'll feel
or even what I'll do

if you come over, but...

Elevators ain't running.

Come on.

Shouldn't be getting
out of bed, Miss.

Has he been here?
Have you seen him?

I ain't seen him for a week.

Where's Cornell?

He's watching the other door.

Oh, you're swell. Oh...

Now, that's crazy...
it's 14 floors.

I... I just got hit by a car.

Oh.
Is that what that noise was?

I think I'm in trouble.

Mm-hmm. Maybe.

And I can't tell Mom, but...

...I think I'm really hurt.

What?

Did you-did you hit your head?

No.

Well, does it hurt?
Are you-are you bleeding?

Well, where?

I don't see any blood.

Duke.

Maybe it's...

someplace else.

Someplace else?
What... w-what do you mean?

Oh.

Um...

Okay.

No, no, no, no, no, hey.
Hey, hey, hey.

It's okay, you're okay.
Um,

why don't we just...
we'll go upstairs, okay?

I have something
you need up there. Yeah?

No sense in going up there...

I've been here for hours.
He ain't here.

Let me go, would you?

I want to call Max.

♪ My nightmares
have come alive ♪

♪ They're eating me
from the inside ♪

♪ When you go ♪

♪ Leave on the light ♪

♪ Oh, my God ♪

♪ I've got the fear ♪

♪ I cannot escape here... ♪

-Keep it close.
-Mm-hmm.

♪ Wake me up, wake me up ♪

♪ Oh, please... ♪

Hello, Mom.

Well, don't linger there
like a huckster.

Come in.

♪ Did you ever really ♪

♪ Love me... ♪

Is everything okay?

♪ Really care? ♪

You called me
to come over here, Phil?

♪ Really miss me ♪

♪ Kiss me ♪

♪ I wonder ♪

♪ If your heart
was ever there... ♪

My car keys.

I've decided it's time.

And I don't want
to talk about it. Ever.

-Do you understand?
-Yes.

I do have conditions, however.

I want unlimited Ubers for life

and a black
American Express card.

Is there anything else, or...

What?

No, what do you mean?

I...

Nothing.

You agree to the terms, then?

Phil, yeah, we can't get
a black American Express card.

Well, Ubers, then.

And I want the service...
the one that brings you

a different flavored popcorn
every month.

I'll look into that.

Good.

Okay. All right.

Well, I'm making dinner now.

-That's very nice.
-So you should leave.

Huh.

-Again.
-♪ I can't say ♪

♪ That I always
do the right thing ♪

♪ I'm not even sure ♪

♪ If I know what that means ♪

♪ I'd like to be someone ♪

♪ Who's honest and tough ♪

♪ And I fear that I'm close ♪

♪ But I'm not close enough ♪

♪ I'd like to cry ♪

♪ But I can't get into it ♪

- ♪ I've thought about dying ♪
- Oh, no.

♪ I'm not sure how to do it ♪

♪ I need love ♪

-♪ I need love ♪
-What...?

♪ I need love ♪

♪ I need love ♪

♪ Yeah... ♪

♪

♪ Welcome in my cabin ♪

♪ Anytime you'd like ♪

♪ See I'm burning up ♪

♪ All the spruce and pine ♪

♪ And I know it's not the best ♪

♪ For heating us ♪

♪ I know it's not the best ♪

♪ For healing us ♪

♪ But it's all I have
and I share my flaws with you ♪

♪ We ♪

♪ All ♪

♪ Deserve ♪

♪ You can call on God ♪

♪ In the morning
once you're sober ♪

♪ And you can talk to me ♪

♪ When you're
all f*cked up tonight ♪

♪ But if it just ♪

♪ Has to wait ♪

♪ If it's something I ♪

♪ Won't understand ♪

♪ Well, I understand ♪

♪ We all deserve the light ♪

♪ I understand ♪

♪ We all deserve the light ♪

♪ We ♪

♪ All ♪

♪ Deserve. ♪

Guys?

Somebody?

I need a tampon.

I gave your last one to Duke.

What?!

♪ I ain't gonna cry
no more, no more ♪

♪ Ain't gonna cry no more ♪

♪ I ain't gonna cry
no more, no more ♪

♪ I ain't gonna cry no more ♪

♪ Said I'd cry
for the very last time ♪

♪ And I ain't gonna cry
no more ♪

♪ 'Cause you finally
made me see ♪

♪ That your love
could never be ♪

♪ All the heartaches
I suffered before ♪

♪ Darling, don't you see,
I can't take no more ♪

♪ I just want to let... ♪

How did this happen? Uh!