03x08 - Easter

[bunniefuu]

Um, hello?

Hi. Is somebody there?

Is this, uh... ?

Oh. Can you repeat that?

I can't understand what you're saying.

Okay, great.

Um, I've been told that you have,

uh, a room with a heart-shaped tub.

A tub that is, uh, shaped like a heart.

No reservations.

Cash in hour.

Oh, okay.

Um... listen, we would only need it

for about three hours.

Cleaning now. Now clean.

Someone clean room.

Okay, good. Good.

Clean is good. I love clean.

I pay now?

Wait 40 minutes.

You pay. 40 minutes.

I have to wait 40... ?

Can I reserve it?

Ugh.

Ugh!

I don't know about this, dude.

You never, ever support me.

I do support you.

I'm in the middle of East L.A.
renting you a sex motel room.

You could get pregnant

from bumping into the
furniture in this hotel.

Sorry, Mom. Not all of us knew

we wanted to be actors
at age nine or whatever.

Honey, I support you. Okay?

I support your vision.

What is your vision, by the way?

We need to sh**t here.

This is the original motel from the '40s

with, like, the first heart-shaped tubs

and, like, the decay and-and all that.

Mm-hmm.

Never mind. You wouldn't get it.

Of course I get it. I
was young once, too.

I used to do sh*t like
this all the time.

One time, my friends and I...

I support you. I do.

You're really following through.

Good for you.

I can't wait to see the pictures.

Thanks, Mom.

You can go now.

Oh, no way.

I ain't leaving you here alone. Nope.

We will wait.

I love the cleaning.

Keep on cleaning.

Wax on, wax off.

Okay.

Whoa!

Ha-ha! Smells like my 20s.

Really?

Yes.

- Oh, it's great.
- Okay, please try

not to touch any surface of this room

with your bare skin.

Okay, Mom. Thanks.

You can go now.

Okay.

- Sam, hi!
- Hi.

- Hi, baby.
- Dude, this place...

- C'est magnifique.
- You look beautiful.

Sam, bonjour.

- Bonjour. Ça va?
- Ça va très bien.

This is, like, super professional...

set up, nice, cool.

Oh.

Is that what you're gonna wear?

Hmm. Okay.

- Well, yeah.
- Okay, Mom. We're good.

We only have three hours.

So, you like the part where I drive you

and I pay for the things, hmm?

- Ollivier can drive me back.
- I'll-I'll make sure

your daughter gets home
safely, Sam, okay?

And thank you so much for
everything that you've done.

For the film, for the lens,

for creating such a talented daughter.

C'est vraiment joli.

Cute.

So sweet. Oh.

Oh, okay.

Changing right there. Paisley.

Okay, so,

you have to lock this door
and let no people in.

No person. Nobody.

- Bien sûr, belle-mère. No problem.
- Okay?

- I got it.
- Okay.

And, uh, I got...

Here's your water,

and here is some Purell,

and there's healthy snacks in here,

but don't take them out and put them

on the surface of the bureau, okay?

So, just, um, barricade this door.

- Yes.
- I mean barricade it.

Like, put that in front of it, okay?

'Cause if anybody walks
in here and sees this,

I could get arrested. What's happening?

I feel like I'm in trouble.

You working?

What?

You working?

Am I working?

No...

Oh, yeah. Am I working?

No.

Okay.

Hang on. Can I ask you something?

Yeah.

What's the going rate

for someone like me?

Depends.

On what?

It's a buyer's market.

So... 15 minutes.

What's a good offer?

The top ain't bad, but
how's your caboose?

It's-it's a nice caboose.

It's tight and high.

Let me see.

35.

35?

I was thinking 40,

but the hand brace took it down.

Oh.

Mm. Okay.

- See you around.
- Have a nice day.

I love that f*cking car.

Blue, purple and rainbow confetti.

Yellow, green, pink.

Fat carrot.

Eggs with mustache.

Eggs as basketballs, baseballs.

Baby chicken being born in a pot of tea.

Straw coming out of his head.

Can I get five gold star balloons

and the letter K? Do
you have the letter K?

- And H and J.
- The letters H and J.

Mylar or latex?

- Mylar.
- Mylar.

- We're out of Mylar.
- They're out of Mylar.

You can't be serious.
They're out of Mylar?

- Out of Mylar.
- Oh, my God. That's ridiculous.

Fine. I'll just do latex.

Can you tell me...

is there a way to drive
with balloons? Like,

is there, like, a protocol
for blown-up balloons

for, like, visibility?

Well, that's up to you
and how you drive.

You know what I'm saying?

That's so cute.

Can you turn your head a
little bit more to the right?

That's awesome.

Can you just face that
down a little, please?

Of course.

- Oh, that looks awesome.
- Right?

- Good night.
- Night.

- Hey.
- Oh, hi.

Whoa! Thank you.

Oh. Really?

Real-oh?

Huh.

Thank you for helping us with the sh**t,

belle mère. Bisou.

Ollivier.

Hashtag he f*cked her.

- Bape up.
- Hmm.

- Time to bape up.
- Hmm?

Don't you want to come and see what

the Easter Bunny left you?

Good morning. Good morning.

The Easter Bunny came.

- What do you think about that?
- Oh, my God.

Mom, must we with the charade?

Yes, we must!

We must! Good morning!

How are you? Guess what?

Candy. Candy for breakfast.

Peter Cottontail is
downstairs. Let's go!

Thank you, Mom.

Phil!

I didn't find my name on a basket.

You don't get a basket. You're Jewish.

Darling, you better hurry.

It's a brunch, you know,

and the food always goes
cold if you're late.

Oh, I'm not going, but I
made a nice cake for you

- to bring to Walter.
- You certainly are going.

I'm not going on my own.

You are.

- Yes!
- What?!

Ooh, candy!

You said you were coming with me.

I never said that. I was never going.

Then I'll take Duke.

Duke wants to stay home
with me. Don't you, honey?

There are gonna be games,
and an Easter egg hunt

and all sorts of things.

- I'll go.
- Hmm?

Is it okay, Mom?

Not that you asked,

but I think this whole
holiday is offensive.

Like, it's-it's basically
marking the fertility of women.

Like, the beginning of breeding season.

But we like the candy.

Duke, grab your basket, go
upstairs and get dressed.

You're going with Nan to her
married boyfriend's house.

Okay.

Mm, come on. Let's go upstairs.

His wife is 82,

and she has advanced Alzheimer's

and sits in a chair all day long.

But doesn't it feel
disrespectful to her?

I mean, how do you think that she feels?

Oh, Pipsqueak, if you haven't
worked this out by now,

life gets very complicated.

When you're young and someone's married,

it's an a*t*matic no.

But as you get older,

you see that... sometimes

some people find
themselves in situations

that are untenable.

And yet they can't leave a marriage.

There's insurance and children

and illness, property.

There's a million reasons

why they stay together
when they shouldn't.

So the question doesn't become

"Are you married"

but "How married are you?"

Hmm.

And to answer your question,
"How does his wife feel?"

I think she sits in a chair
and drools all day long.

That's what I think.

That cake is adorable, by the way.

Put it in the tin.

Ta-ra.

Oh, look who's here.

Happy, happy.

- I brought you a cake.
- Ah.

Old family recipe.

Thank you, sweetheart.

Mmm.

My... My sister Delia.

- This is my friend Phyllis.
- Hello.

Uh, Duke, uh,

you go downstairs with the kids, 'cause

they're hiding the Easter eggs out back.

- Okay.
- Okay.

So, you're the British lady

this guy can't stop squawking about.

I'm Jeremy,

blessed with the best
genes of all the bunch.

And such a humble man at that.

Get out of here.

This is so pretty.

May the 57th annual

Stanton Family Easter Egg Hunt...

begin!

- Hi.
- Hi.

Oh.

Oh...

There's more over there.

Okay. Found one.

Aah!

Ow.

- Ah, is it bleeding?
- It's just a little scratch.

Get back in there. Eye on the prize.

Are you sure she didn't cut her cornea?

Are you seeing blurry, honey?

- Hmm.
- No, she's just fine.

Tough as nails.

There we are.

I've got some Neosporin in the house.

Let me fix you up, sweetie.

Come on, sweetie.

Let me fill up your basket, dear.

- Oh.
- Go on.

Come on out.

You got wet?

... the wrapped ones.

No. Those are the...

Ah.

You know Theresa.

You know...

when your mother got
pregnant with your sister,

I told her she had to get married

to your father right away, but
she didn't want to do that.

So I told her she had to get
an abortion right away.

She didn't want to do that, either.

She never really loved your father.

I suppose that's why

the marriage was doomed from the outset.

These are things you should
know, my little angel.

Hey, little big man.

Hi, Uncle Marion!

Time to go, Phil.

What are you doing here?

You called me to pick you up?

Hmm? Let's go.

Well, I haven't finished my drink.

Ah, that means we can
be here ten more days.

Come on.

Why such a rush?

It's not as if you have anywhere to be.

- Careful.
- It's the truth.

You have no place to be. You
never have any place to be.

That's enough.

You've been play-acting some busy-busy

since you crashed into California.

One second.

You cannot speak to me that way.

I can speak to you any way I like.

You apologize. Now.

Little Lord Fauntleroy.

I mean it, Phil. Say you're sorry.

Well, I do feel sorry.

- Do you?
- I feel sorry

that you are as insecure as your father.

But at least he had

- a sense of humor.
- No more. This is it.

Red line drawn. I demand
a statement of remorse.

A what?

A statement of remorse!

For what?

For everything. For e...

everything!

Pull yourself together.

Making a scene.

I want a statement of remorse, Phil.

For the last 53 years of my life

with you.

And I'm not leaving here until I get it.

Oh, the dramatics.

The neglected Marion.

No one's even asked me
why I'm still out here.

Darling, no one needs to ask.

We all know that little toad of a wife

kicked you to the curb months ago,

but we've been too polite to mention it.

Come on.

Let's get away from Satan.

Hey.

Piece of pie?

Something sweet for my sweet? Hmm?

I think I'll just go

- and freshen up for a moment.
- Hmm? Hmm? No. No, no.

No, sit. Sit down. Sit.

Family is complicated.

It always has been.

But when you round out
enough of these holidays,

focus on the good.

Life is too short.

I'm glad you came today.

Thank you, dear.

Okay.

Is it true that my mom
didn't want to marry my dad?

I'm not gonna even ask
where you heard that from.

My mom didn't love my dad?

Look, kid, I'm gonna tell you something

your mother never will or has to.

Your father's an assh*le.

And it's important that you...

are respectful and find love
in your heart for your father.

But I'm telling you, kid,

he is a yoiner and a putz
and a complete schmuck.

Unfortunately, we don't get
to choose our parents.

Just have to play the hand we're dealt.

And the sooner you see
your father for who he is,

the sooner you can move on in life.

And, look...

just because your father is a loser,

that does not rub off on you.

Okay?

It's not genetic. It's not.

You're different, okay?

And not weird-different. Cool.

Cool-different.

All right, and I've got
some other good news.

Your mother may be the greatest
mother in-in the world.

She's crazy

and a complete pain in the ass

and annoying,

but she loves you

and she would do anything for you.

And the most important
thing in the world...

the most important thing...

is that she's there.

You wake up, she's there.

You go to sleep, she's there.

You need her, she's there.

You don't need her, she's there.

Even when she isn't there...

she's there.

She'll always be there,

and that is all that matters.

Okay, what's my favorite ice cream?

- Mint chip.
- That's true.

Let's go get some.

Well, you must be Esther.

Lovely to meet you.

I've heard so much about you.

I'm Phil.

I don't know if Walter's
told you about me,

but he's my friend.

My special friend.

He thinks the world of you.

You have such pretty hair.

I was born behind the veil.

A caulbearer, they call it.

The amniotic sac was still
attached to my head

during birth. Very rare.

Sign of good luck.

It's supposed to protect
me from drowning,

provide good fortune at court,

and grant safety on the b*ttlefield.

And I can also feel ghosts and spirits

due to the caul.

So, you see, I've always felt lucky.

You're lucky, too.

I lost my husband years ago.

So it's just me now.

And I do okay.

Knock wood.

Oh.

♪ Never saw you look ♪

♪ Quite so pretty before ♪

♪ Never saw you dress ♪

♪ Quite so handsome ♪

♪ What's more ♪

♪ I could hardly wait ♪

♪ To keep our date ♪

♪ This lovely Easter morning ♪

♪ And my heart b*at fast ♪

♪ As I came ♪

♪ Through the door ♪

♪ For... ♪

♪ In your Easter bonnet ♪

♪ With all the frills upon it ♪

♪ You'll be the grandest feller ♪

♪ In the Easter parade ♪

♪ I'll be all in clover ♪

♪ And when they look us over ♪

♪ We'll be the proudest couple ♪

♪ In the Easter parade ♪

♪ On the avenue ♪

♪ Fifth Avenue... ♪

♪ The photographers will snap us ♪

♪ And you'll find that
you're in the rotogravure ♪

♪ Oh, I could write a sonnet ♪

♪ About your Easter bonnet ♪

♪ And of the guy I'm taking ♪

♪ To the Easter parade ♪

♪ On the avenue ♪

♪ Fifth Avenue ♪

♪ The photog... ♪