04x03 - The Sister

[bunniefuu]

Delilah's not living in Ithaca, okay?

Nobody moves to Ithaca on purpose.

- Why not?
- 'Cause it sucks, okay?

She's not here. I'm not buying it.

- Oh, you're not buying it.
- No.

- But you bought Tibet.
- I didn't.

- You bought Japan.
- I don't even know what that word is.

I don't know, these guys I talked
to seemed pretty certain it was her.

Who, these guys here? Bo and Luke Duke?

- Oh, yeah...
- All right, follow me.

Hi. Hey.

- Uh, you're... Are you Donny?
- Yeah, yeah.

Uh, So you guys have seen
our daughter, Delilah?

Mm-hmm.
Lookin' younger than the poster,

but it's definitely her, all right.

Yeah, she walks around here like
she's better than all of us.

Well, she is better than all of yous.

Okay. Hold on.

- Do you know her?
- Nope.

She keeps to herself mostly.
Lives with that rock star.

- He's disabled.
- Yes... Yes, he is.

Okay, well, which one of these
sh*t boxes is she living in?

We would love to help you guys out

out of the goodness of our hearts,

but we got bills to pay.

Ah, right, of course you do.
The $500 reward.

- Yeah.
- Right. Yeah

Okay.

All right. Here you go.

Hey, hold up. How'd you get that?

Those were only up in Syracuse.

We're amateur detectives.

- It's kind of our thing.
- Yeah, I almost forgot.

I found this phone bill in her garbage.

A lot of calls or what
you might call "collusion"

to some weird number in Russia.

Yeah. Yeah, that's my dad's number.

Do you need more proof?

- Okay. All right. Here you go.
- Yeah.

Now, where is she?

Oh, sh*t, there she goes.

Get some!

Oh, sh*t.

Whoa.

Oh. Oh.

Oh, sh*t.

Delilah! Delilah!

Are you okay?

Babe?

Babe, are you okay?

- Babe?
- Yeah.

Blue Jay.

Robin.

What?

Um... My twin sister.

Yeah.

- What?
- Yeah.

Twin sister.

I jumped a shark.

Oh.

Aah!

So what brings you by
after all these years?

Oh, we were led to believe
by a couple of morons

that our daughter was staying here.

You have a little girl?

That's so incredible.

Yeah, two kids, actually. Twins.

Wow, just like us.

Well, I would love to meet them.

Are they here? Where are they?

Well, uh, one of them ran away,
and the other one is...

- Oh, my God, where is he?
- He's at my mom's.

Can we just back it up for a second?

Maybe it's the concussion talking,

but remember the other day when I said,

"Is there anything
I don't know about you?"

And you said,
"Well, I don't like squash."

And I said, "The vegetable
or the game?"

- And you said, "Both."
- Both.

Well, maybe you could
have [bleep] told me

you had a twin sister.

Well, if it makes you feel any better,

she's never mentioned you, either.

No, I did. Ah..

It was the last time I talked to you,

as a matter of fact, at the
funeral of, um, uh, Beth...

uh, Becky?

It's Beckany. I never forget a name.

And all you said was, "Oh, hey, B.J."

I met this boring
meathead hockey player,

and I'm gonna use him
to clean up my selfish

destructive lifestyle,"
or something like that.

I don't really... I'm paraphrasing.

- That's...
- A spot-on impression.

Well, now that I've met you,

I can see why she's been hiding you.

Nate the Great, look at you.

You are such a peach.

And you got such strong bones.

Makes me feel awful
I almost broke 'em all.

- Feel that one.
- Ooh.

- Huh.
- Mm.

Stop it.

By the way, I don't tell
you about my past

because my past sucks.

She doesn't suck. She's awesome.

She doesn't seem to have any
of the sh*t-show genes

your sisters have.

Trust me, she is the
sh*t-showiest of them all.

For instance, we were
both born in New York,

but she was "raised" in Alabama,
so somehow she has an accent.

That's not how accents work.

That's exactly how accents work.

No.

Mm.

Mmm, that's good.

It's a frozen dinner, Nate.

Well, she heated it up perfectly.

Blue Jay, these are amazing.

Oh, please, call me B.J. I prefer it.

And I'm sure you do, too.

I do.

She can pull off an innuendo.

None of that "spit on it
and stick it in" sh*t.

Can you believe how two
identical-looking people

could be so different?

Oh, no, we're very much alike.

In fact, when we were kids,

we used to dress the same
and fool our parents.

Too bad they were too busy
being criminals to notice.

Oh, what do you say, Robin?

Let's pull a "Parent Trap"
for old time's sake, huh?

- Huh.
- No.

- Come on, please.
- Yes.

- Yes.
- No.

Just do it. What's the worst
that's gonna happen?

This is not the same dress.

Oh, yes, it is. I make them myself.

Okay, Nate, which one's which?

It's so hard to tell. I mean,

one is a beautiful oil painting,

and the other one is, uh... my wife.

Listen, I would fill this out,
too, if I hadn't had kids, so...

Oh, I've missed you so much,

but I don't blame you
for shutting out your past.

- It sucked.
- Yeah, see?

Do you ever wish
when our mother left J.R.,

she took both of us with her?

Yeah. Yeah, but there was
only one seat on the plane.

Is that what she told you? Hm.

She told me it was
'cause you were fussy.

I was a child.

Well, you two never really clicked.

Oh, what a bitch.

Stop it.

You hush, Robin.
She did the best she could.

Hey, did you know she was living
in Italy of all places now?

- Okay.
- What?

You told me she was dead.

She is. She's dead to me.

That's not the same thing.

She lives in Italy, the one
place I've always wanted to go.

Time to make amends.

Ain't that right, Nate.

I used to blame J.R.
for splitting up our family.

I was only allowed to see my sister

during nondenominational holidays

and the occasional diamond smuggle,

but I said, "No,
that is no way to live!"

So now I talk to J.R.
like almost every other day.

He calls me his gummy bear.

Now I get the nickname.
I mean, it suits you.

So sweet, you know.

You'd be like a Sour Patch.

B.J., who's talking?

Nate, Robin, meet my boyfriend.

Shut up.

- That's not your boyfriend.
- It's Claude.

It's like Claude Gable.

You know what they say.

Two identical sisters
end up with two identical men.

Oh, sh*t. Jesus.

You're both so clumsy
and accident prone.

You hit me with a car.

Oh! Oh, sh*t!

Oh, God, I got glass in my shins.

Oh, I got glass in my penis.

See? Two peas in a pod.

Oh, man.

Here comes the sghetti train.

Chugga, chugga, chugga, chugga,
chugga, chugga.

- Eat some good sghetti.
- What is happening?

It's your favorite kind of sghetti,

the sghetti with the meatballs.

Here comes the airplane.

Wasn't she just a train?

That's your takeaway from all this?

- Ow, sghetti's hot.
- I'm sorry.

Okay, how about now? Just right?

No, it's too cold.

Oh, hush now. You just eat it.

Did he just fall asleep
with his eyes open?

- No, he's awake.
- He's snoring.

He's got wake-apnea.

You know what? I think B.J. and I

are gonna go for a little
walk, catch up, yeah?

Oh, that sounds great.

Honey, do you mind
if I go on a walk with Robin?

Okay, good. I'm just gonna
go tinkle real quick.

I'll be right back.

- You're fine, right?
- What? No.

No, don't leave me here with him.

- She needs help.
- What do you care?

You haven't seen her in 16 years.

She's family.

We don't give up on family we like.

- You said that.
- Yeah, about our daughter.

And we need to get back to
Syracuse and not give up on her.

I can't let her stay
in this relationship.

It's none of your business.

What if someone had told you
to give up on me?

They did.

Who?

Everybody.

- You ready to go?
- Yeah.

- You'll be fine, right?
- No, I'm not fine.

Just do it.

So can you hear me?

Oh.

Oh, you weren't snoring.
You were choking on a meatball.

Can you put that back in?

No.

I'm hungry.

Pick up a fork like a big boy.

Oh.

What the hell
are you doing with Claude?

We've been through so much together.

What would he do without me?

I'm still nursing him back to health.

I know, but you...
you can't just live for him.

You have to have a life of your own.

Take Nate for instance.

He's gone above and
beyond for his family.

He's traveled the world
to find our daughter,

and what's he done for himself?

He's done nothing.

- That's incredible.
- No, it's stupid.

The guy is so selfless,
it's eating him up inside.

He really needs to
blow off steam big-time.

- Yeah.
- Ooh.

Like that. Yes.

Nate used to drink like that.

He did. It made him feel great.

He used to call it his
"wha'sup, wha'sup juice."

Yeah, he'd get all liquored up,
and we would have the best sex,

and now he doesn't touch it.

The booze or you?

Ha ha! Both.

I love Nate.

I know. I'm pretty lucky to have him.

I wouldn't tell him that to his face

'cause he'd get a big head, but yeah.

I hate Claude, like, so much.

Like a burning, seething hatred.

It's gonna be a hell of a ride, huh?

Yeah, safety first, man.

Hang on.

You need to put a helmet on?

Just psych a brother up.

Thanks, man.

Probably faster if I just
carried you down.

Yeah.

Dude, you really can't
walk down three stairs.

Soft bones.

What's that mean? Like rickets?

Soft bones.

Doc says I'm like a bag of wet sticks.

That means it's safe
to unbuckle my seat belt.

Oh, man, I forgot my cheese.

You're not gonna believe this.

It's down there.

I can smell it.

We just got to find it.

Means it's done.

You said that.

You can't say important
things too much.

Gonna put it back.

Oh, my God. Jesus Christ.

Ooh. My goodness.

- Yes.
- You're right.

I need to start doing
some stuff for myself.

That was a quick turnaround, but great.

Yes. Then leave him.

Hey, boys, wha'sup, wha'sup?

Oh, no, no, no.

Looks like someone founds her daughter.

- Uh, no, my daughter's 16.
- Well, no refunds.

Yeah, but we'd like
to buy you fine ladies

a well drink of your choice.

And by "fine ladies," I mean you.

You want some coffee?

- That's coffee?
- No.

Jesus, what do you do down here?

Oh.

Here you go.

Sure, all right.
I've never tried this before.

- Yeah.
- k*ll some time.

Oh, my God.

Oh, my God, what do
you do in this thing?

It's a workout.

- Buckle up.
- Yeah.

You're going for a helluva ride.

- Hold my breath.
- Yeah.

What am I watching?
Is this a train set?

Yeah.

It's a little boring, isn't it?

Ah. Yeah.

- What are you supposed to do?
- You're doing it.

That's it? You just watch it
go around the track?

That's right.

If you like model trains so much,

why don't you build a real one?

Fat fingers and little,
teeny, tiny parts

just don't mix.

All right. That was fun.

No, whoa, don't take it off mid-game.

You'll lose.

How do you lose watching a train set?

Oh, lost.

It's all your fault.

I need B.J. to make me feel better.

Oh.

I'm B.J. I bet you boys like that, huh?

- Don't say that.
- Uh, yeah.

You think I have a
pretty mouth for a B.J.?

- Yeah.
- You want to kiss it?

Uh, yeah.

- Okay.
- Oh.

I also think you have
a really pretty mouth.

- Okay.
- Hey, okay.

No, there's too many
teeth in that mouth.

Get back on my lips, other one.

If the earth is round,

then how come this bottle
ain't sliding off the table?

Gravity.

You should come to one of our meetings.

There's a lot more of us flat-earthers
on this globe than you think.

All right, I can't do this anymore.

I can't listen to any more
conspiracy theories.

- Hey, these are just my opinions.
- Which are wrong.

- According to who?
- The laws of science.

- And who wrote those?
- Scientists.

And those are their opinions,
which just so happen to be fake.

What's so hard to
understand about that?

Where the hell is my sister, anyway?

You want to hear another opinion

- that people think is just a "theory"?
- Not really.

Your sister runs
an underground syndicate

that traps men, extracts testosterone,

and relieves them of their manhood.

Yeah, who's got a
basement in a trailer?

- Oh, that's a man cave.
- Mnh-mnh.

It's a man grave.

These are all a year
after living with your sister.

- Before.
- After.

- Before.
- After.

- Before.
- After.

Before.

And you know what
that after looks like.

That's not really you, is it?

Yeah.

I can see how B.J.
fell in love with that,

but what happened?

I was onstage.

The bass player, man.

It was an accident.
I fell and broke my leg.

And then B.J. has been
by my side ever since.

It was B.J.

That's a beautiful story.

So you never went back
to the band or a gym?

No, man.

Gym closed, band kicked me out.

Yeah, you'd be surprised how quickly

they can replace a bassist.

Not really. It's not that hard.

Anyway, I was about to
start my solo career

until B.J. accidentally broke my pelvis.

Whoa. How'd she do that?

She ran over me with her car.

I'm sensing a trend here.

Are you sure it was an accident?

The first time, for sure.

First... How many times
has she hit you with a car?

Three times with a car.

One of those was definitely my fault.

I should have known
to roll out of the way

before she backed up in reverse.

Dude, this sounds like "Misery."

Oh, no, it's not that bad.

You know, I'm hard on her,
but she is an average cook.

"Misery" like the mov... Forget it.

Listen, I'm not into
conspiracy theories at all,

but she sounds like
she's an insane woman.

Oh, no, no, she's bipolar
and schizophrenic,

but other than that, man, she's
a picture of mental health.

Okay.

Um, you know what?

It was great to meet you,

but before any of this
happens to me, I'm gonna...

I'm gonna get the hell out of here.

Good luck.

Yeah, well, I tried to do that once.

When I asked to leave,
the voices in her head

accidentally smashed
my jaw with a brick.

Dude, this door is locked
from the outside.

Yeah, she locks the
doors for my safety.

She makes me wear this ankle monitor.

She likes to know
where I am all the time.

I can get all the way out to the
mailbox before I get shocked.

And it only hurts a lot.

Dude, these are all nailed shut!

Yeah, you got to keep the windows shut.

If you're gonna lock
the doors, no point.

Yeah, that's a steel door.

Figured that out on my third
time I broke my shoulder.

Oh. Ah!

sh*t.

So what are you saying? Are we...

Are we trapped in here?

Yeah.

What do we do?

That is so unnerving.

This is insane. You're both insane.

What kind of guy would get
trapped by a 100-pound woman?

Kind of guy who doesn't
have the ability to get away,

like Clump over there.

My God, why would you call him that?

- That's so mean.
- That's what he calls himself.

You need our help,
you know where to find us.

Oh, God.

I'm taking my vag*na out of storage.

You want to blow the dust off?

Robin, you were right about everything.

I need to be more selfish.

I want you to make love to me
on that pinball machine

like Jodie Foster in that movie.

No, she was r*ped in that movie.

Well, we're gonna need some more
wha'sup, wha'sup juice, then.

Oh, hey, pretty. Let's get...

Hey, stop, stop.

You're trying to make out
with everyone in here.

No, quit it with the twincest.

I just want a little of what you have.

I want a Nate of my own.

Well, looks like you and Clump
were hitting it off pretty well.

Oh, my God.

Why would call him that?
That's so mean.

Oh, no, he calls himself that.

- No, I don't.
- Oh.

Um, okay. Well, let's go.

Mm, no.

Boo! Boo, Robin!

She's trying to make me go home!

All right, all right.

Boo!

- B.J.!
- Don't touch me.

- Let's go.
- Stop touching my skin!

- Come on.
- Get off me!

Ah.

Come on. You touch me one more time,

I will knock you off that stage,

handcuff you to a broken
truck door in a deserted barn,

and I will leave you for dead.

You're insane.

But it was so good seeing you.

Let's not let so much time
pass in between visits.

Okay, bye. Call me.

Mm.

I love you so much.

Oh, my God, babe, you were
so right about your sister.

She is nuts.

She trapped us in this trailer.

We got to call the cops
on her or something.

No, no, no, no, no, no, no,
you were right.

I need to stop meddling
in other people's lives.

I just want to be with you.

And I know I don't
say this to your face,

but you're everything to me.

- Of course I am.
- Okay, don't get a big head about it.

- Let's go.
- No, wait.

We got to bust him out of here.

He used to be a famous bassist.

He wasn't that famous.

B.J.!

B.J.!

I want to watch "Rudy," but all
my DVDs are on the ground.

B.J.

Oh.

Think I broke another finger.

Oh.

Wha'sup with you, B.J.?
You cut your hair.

God, what's this?

Oh, it's just some loose hair.

Everybody's got loose hair.

Maybe in menopause.