04x10 - The Groom

[bunniefuu]

In the early aughts,

looking to cement his power
and overthrow Yeltsin loyalists,

President Vladimir Putin looked
to some of his closest allies

from his former KGB days.

One such man
is Dimislav Molokov,

a devout Russian Orthodox man

who at the time ran a small
dairy farm in Rostov Oblast.

Putin invited Mr. Molokov
to the Kremlin,

where he sampled his milk.

Molokov struck gold.

White gold, that is.

Putin liked it so much that
in the ensuing months,

there was a systematic
shutdown of dairy farms

across the country,

which Mr. Molokov snapped up
for literal pennies.

The farmers who opposed
the purchases

from the newly minted oligarch,
now known simply as Dima,

were either incarcerated
for opposition politics

or simply never heard
from again.

And while most of you think
how does one become

a multi-billionaire from milk?

The answer is simple.

He also mines uranium.

Say what now?

The point is... the point
is Russia **** up.

That's not a joke.
He doesn't need to make jokes.

He's just pointing out
how messed up Russia is.

He does the news better
than the news does.

What are you
talking about?

That was the news.

All he did was swear
and make a stupid face.

All right, guys.
Listen to me.

We are in the middle of a very
dangerous situation right now.

Dealing with an oligarch
who's forcing your father

to marry his daughter

all because my father
is running a black market

of Canadian h*m* milk that's
undercutting his monopoly.

See? Russia **** up.
You don't need to make jokes.

Why don't we
just run away?

Yeah, there's not that
many guards.

We can probably outrun 'em.
I'm not doing that.

I'm not putting you guys
in any more danger.

Let's just have your dad
say his fake "I do's"

and take his Russian bride
back to the states,

where we will deal with this
diplomatically

with the State Department.

Okay?
Trust me.

This is no picnic
for your dad, either.

You're so funny!

It's the vodka.

It make me funny!
It's the voice, too.

Kiss me.

Hmm?

Okay, umm...

- Hey!
- Yeah?

Ow.

Can't sample milk

until you're paid
for the cow.

Sergeant Pepper
is such a d*ck.

Man singing in Russian...

- Hey.
- Oh, hey.

I can't do it.
I can't do this marriage thing.

Look what
she makes me wear.

I say
I just keep stalling

until maybe
your dad shows up.

That's who this Dima guy
wants, anyway.

Bill, honey, my dad is not
showing up, all right?

He's not some hand of God
who cares more about his family

than he does risking
his own life.

- That's not gonna happen.
- Okay, then,

I say we make
a run for it. Okay?

- I was talking to Nico.
- I don't know who that is.

That's the ponytail guy.

Sergei?

One of the names. Okay, anyway,
he said a couple of his workers

escaped through the mines.

- The uranium mines?
- Yeah.

Are you out of your...
No, honey, we're not doing that.

You know
what you're gonna do?

You're gonna marry
this ugly Russian broad.

We're gonna go back
to the States,

and we're gonna be
a family, okay?

I don't want to marry
a stranger, okay?

Future husband!

Where are you in here?

That's her?
Yeah, she's gross.

- Hey.
- Ugh.

- It's so gross in here.
- I know. I just said that.

Mm! Mm. Mnh-mnh.

- Let's go.
- Yeah. Yeah, I will. I-I'll catch up.

I'm just gonna finish
yelling at these milkers.

"Milkieskers."
"Milkies."

Hey, hey, can we circle back
to the thing...

- Your thing about leaving?
- Yeah.

- Yeah.
- Let's make a run for it.

We should not be in here.

Yeah, a Uranus mine
doesn't sound safe.

It's fine.
Just don't breathe too deeply.

Yet another stupid plan
made by the Parkers.

- Hey, you're a Parker, too, you know?
- Oh, my God.

Okay, and you've made
plenty of stupid plans.

You can't escape your genes.

Look at this one.

He doesn't want to be
like his mom, but he is.

- I'm not like my mom.
- I wanna be like my mom.

Your mom's dead. No, she's not.
She lives in Italy.

- How could you not tell me this?
- I know.

It's the one place
I've always wanted to go.

Why would you think that?
Why are you so surprised by any of this?

I'm
already assuming that her mom

is just another crazy sister
that wants to have sex with Dad.

Wait,
what's wrong with your voice?

Nothing. I think
it's just an echo in here.

No, your voice
definitely sounds higher tahn it should.

Your voice sounds...

- We gotta go. We gotta go.
- Guys, guys, guys, guys,

keep your voices down, please!

What's the point?
They're already high.

- Yeah, I'm going back.
- No, stop, stop!

Stop!
No, what are you doing?

We just got this family
back together, okay?

The core four.

We've gone through hell
trying to keep us together.

Please, don't rip us
apart again.

I don't even know why you guys
want me back.

You do realize we're 18
in 2 years, right?

Yes, but we want to be
in your life forever.

Yeah, just like you guys are
in your parents' life forever.

That's different.
Our parents are shitty.

So are mine!
And we're in a mine.

Sorry. It sounded
really funny in my head.

I think it's all the
poisonous gases we're inhaling.

You know, you guys pay
a lot of lip service

to this family
is everything bullshit,

but I don't see a lot
of evidence of it.

Delilah. You know what the
happiest moments of my life was?

Let me guess.
Sitting on the beach,

watching me play
in the water.

Did you tell her
my speech?

We spent a lot of time together
in the last little while.

We didn't have anything else
to talk about.

What do you want
from us?

Please, just tell us,
and we will deliver.

I promise.

First, let's just get the hell
out of this mine.

Well...

- that we can do.
- Let's do it.

Your mom and I always know
where we're going.

Let's get some.
sh*t.

- Oh, no!
- You can't even hear that.

I know. The helium of the mine
is fun to talk with.

Makes you sound like you're
in a popular Russian show

"Ivan and Squirrels."

Ivan!

Ivan!

And we also use it
to test for leaks.

You need intensive
toxic cleansing.

- Aah!
- Ow!

- Ow!
- sh*t!

The loofah's
a little scratchy.

Better?

Ehh.
A little bit.

Don't tickle me.
Get in there.

I always wanted to moved
to downtown Syracuse,

but my father said he wants
to buy us a house at Stratmore.

You know what's funny?

You strike me a
modern-day feminist woman

who doesn't need
to obey her father.

Why don't we skip this whole
wedding thing

and move right to America

and talk directly
to immigration?

What is word "feminist"?
Dip. Oh, yeah. Sorry.

Drag.
Yeah.

Feminist is like equal rights,
men and women, you know?

50/50.

It's freedom to do whatever you
want including wearing flats.

Russia have equal rights,
50/50 for many years.

It was called Communism.

It didn't work.

The world of equality
in dystopia

where only ugly lesbians
are happy.

I want an American life.

Looking beautiful,
having children,

wearing high heels,
watching fireworks.

- Who doesn't?
- Mnh-mnh. Mnh-mnh.

- You did good.
- Thanks.

Again? Jesus.

Hello, sir?
Hi, sir.

Can I just have a moment
of your time?

Listen, I want to talk
about your daughter.

Your daughter will
do anything you say.

She loves you.

If you just went up to her
and said, "Look, this guy Nate."

Who's Nate?

I'm Nate.

And you said,
"Nate is such a loser."

I've already done that.

Good, good, yeah,

then you just put your foot
down about this wedding.

Say no. I know
you don't want this to happen.

I could find her another guy
to marry in a second.

Trust me, I've tried.

She'll say, "I'll only marry
a man from Syracuse."

So I invite whole plane
of losers from Syracuse area

just to show her
how much they suck.

Pay for elaborate
Russian bride bullshit thing,

and she says, "I like the guy,
but no, he's from Ithaca.

That guy okay, but no,
he's from Binghampton."

No to guy from Rochester.
Then you show up from Syracuse.

What's so great about
Syracuse?

I Google, it sucks!

- It's got its charms.
- What?

Erie Canal Museum
is sh*t.

It was quite
an engineering feat.

I mean, 18 aqueducts,
72 locks,

but you don't care about
shipping history,

connecting the Great Lakes
to the Atlantic.

Listen, your daughter's
such a beautiful woman.

Then you marry.

That's the problem.
I-I can't.

I'm kind of
already married.

To h*m* milk man's
daughter?

Yeah.

Okay.

I'm religious man.

I respect those who enter
the holiest matrimony

in the face of God.

You show proof for married,
I no force you.

And that's
the second problem.

We never
officially actually

ever got around
to getting married.

Why not?

I don't know.

Well, then, you're getting
married to my daughter tomorrow.

And that's final?
That's...?

I get it.
You've got a t*nk.

I've just got roller sk...

Whoa!

Finally getting the hang
of these.

I did not mean to put my mouth
on your penis.

I'm very sorry.

I'll leave.

By the power vested in me
by the great state of Alaska...

- I wonder if I'm still the mayor.
- You're not.

The box turtle
won a special election.

Oh, good for Nigel.

Well, with the little power
I have left,

I now pronounce
you husband and wife.

I know this doesn't
change anything.

It's gonna help me
get through this, okay,

and I know this isn't
your dream wedding,

but at least
you're still in white.

- I just love you so much.
- I love you, too, but baby,

I think they're asking us
to go in there and... do it.

Are you suggesting
we go in there and...

Oh, that's...
Bless your heart.

That's very sweet,
but these are our kids.

- That'd be weird.
- You know we really don't care anymore.

Yeah, between the farting
and the cud chewing,

we really can't hear anything.

Yeah, no,
it's way too weird.

Thank you, though.
Thank you.

Okay, well,
we're gonna be in here.

Don't be too loud.

Actually... actually,
you know what, babe?

I think we should consummate
this thing.

It's our wedding night. Come on,
let's do it. All right. All right.

Let's do it.
Thank you.

Oh, it's lovely.
You got a beautiful home.

Look at that.
I love it.

Okay. Oh, oh.
Wait a minute. Hold on.

Aah!

Singing in Russian...

You look like
Czar Feodore the Third.

Thank you.

He was sickly due
to the inbreeding

and being kicked
in head by horse.

Wore a diaper
to the coronation

and could not
put his hat on, either.

Okay, okay.
It's just so tight.

You look good.

I feel like an idiot.

I'm sorry we're such
shitty parents.

Don't be.

You're marrying the daughter
of a Russian oligarch

so we can get back to Syracuse
and live a normal, boring life.

You're doing all this for less
than two years family time.

You're not great parents,
but you're not shitty.

That means a lot.

- Don't start crying.
- I always cry at weddings.

Aw, sh*t.

Now I gotta ride.
No, get up, please.

I'm not stepping
on your back. Okay?

I'll get on the...
small horse myself.

Honey,
it's so small.

- I'm gonna break its back.
- I know.

If I don't get on it,
he's gonna break my back.

God, I'm sorry.

I just ripped my pants.
I just ripped my pants.

Yep.

- Be careful.
- I know.

I'm just trying not
to break its back.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

Whoa, whoa, whoa!

Um...
my pants ripped wide open.

How long do we have
to stay here for?

I mean,
I gotta go to work.

These cows aren't gonna shovel
their own sh*t. I don't know.

Maybe she realized she was
stealing some other woman's man.

Is she coming soon? These people
are getting restless.

Funky Bunch,
no Mark!

♪ Aw, yeah ♪

♪ Funky Bunch in the building ♪

♪ Come on, come on ♪

♪ Look out, sons,
or you're gonna get punched ♪

♪ Step back, Mother, Father,
here comes the Funky Bunch ♪

♪ Ugh ♪

♪ Yo, we're back from the '90s
like one, two, three ♪

- ♪ Scotty Gee ♪
- ♪ Hector Booty and your boy ♪

- ♪ DJ T ♪
- ♪ We heard the jumps ♪

♪ And the smack and the stuff ♪

- ♪ But believe in the bunch ♪
- ♪ But believe in the bunch ♪

♪ We just as good
without Mark ♪

♪ We don't need Mark
with his fat, tight body ♪

♪ We disassociate
with his agent in crime ♪

♪ We don't need Mark,
we don't need Mark ♪

♪ We're the brains
and the brawn ♪

♪ And the balls
and the spark ♪

♪ We don't need Mark,
we don't need Mark ♪

♪ We're the brain
and the brawn ♪

♪ And the balls
and the spark ♪

- Is this actually the Funky Bunch?
- No.

Well, why would you
tell everybody that it was?

No one knows
the difference.

♪ We don't need Mark,
we don't need Mark ♪

♪ We're the brains
and the brawn ♪

♪ And the balls
and the spark ♪

♪ We don't need Mark,
we don't need Mark ♪

- ♪ Oh, say can you see ♪
- ♪ And the balls and the spark ♪

♪ By the dawn's early light ♪

- ♪ What so proudly we hailed... ♪
- Oh, no, no!

Dad?

- Pee Paw?
- Pee Paw?

Hand of God!
I knew he'd be back!

What the hell are you guys doing here?

We're being forced to work here
until you surrender,

and because of that, Nate has
to marry that guy's daughter.

Who's Nate?

Hey!

I did not know that.

Then what are you doing
here?

I'm here to destroy
the rule of this

Keebler Elf.

You're screwed now, pal!

You no ruin me.

Is impossible.

By myself?
No.

But with a little family help,
it's been surprisingly easy.

Natalia.

You always tell me
I'm a free woman.

Free to make my choice.

But this?
This is all fake.

Nate is not in love
with me.

He's in love
with this old woman.

She's 39.

That is what I said...
Old.

You always taught me,

when angry, do not act violently
like a night witch.

Instead,
channel your energy

to destroy your enemy
financially.

You are forcing him
to marry me!

I am no feminist,
but I will be treated fairly,

and my voice will be heard

regarding my own life
and happiness.

You're bluffing.
He has no power in Russia.

You're right.
I don't.

But then she introduced me
to this guy named Vlad.

I forget his last name.

Old KGB buddy of yours,
I believe.

Anyhoo, it turns out,

he's grown really tired
of your overpriced milk.

- He's looking for something a little more...
- This is lie.

Putin will never go
to h*m* milk.

Oh, he's going h*m*,
all right.

He's completely gay for it.

And pretty soon, all the rest
of Russia will be, too.

I don't believe.
There are no gays in Russia.

I know, right?
What a douche.

Okay.
Don't believe.

And don't believe there's
a Federation t*nk

right behind that stage ready to
tear this entire operation down.

- Did you say t*nk?
- No.

Vlad loves my milk.

Okay.

Suit yourself.

Boys!

- No t*nk.
- There's a t*nk.

It's just a Russian t*nk,
so it's slow.

There is no t*nk.

There is no t*nk.

There is no t*nk!

There's a t*nk! There's a t*nk!

Everybody, run! Run!

That's for my Taurus!

Jesus.

- Hey! Hey!
- Yeah?

I think we're finally out.

Aah!

It's a good time
to get out of here.

You still want to split?

Given a choice between
the lesser of two evils,

I think I'm gonna stick
with shitty parents.

Okay.
Suit yourself.

See ya!

Hi.

I still want to marry you.

Just kidding!

- She's funny.
- I told you.

Hmm? Hmm?

What'd she say? I don't know.
I don't speak Russian.

♪ How lucky can one guy be? ♪

- ♪ I kissed her, and she kissed me ♪
- You have 50 new messages.

Hey, babe. Are you still
coming home tonight?

I haven't heard from you.

If you are,
can you pick up milk?

Oh, and bananas.

Oh, and tell him
to get hot dogs!

I want hot dogs!

Ugh.
You-know-who wants hot dogs.

Dude, I know she pays our
rent, but...

I don't know what she told
you, but I really want hot dog.

I told him that.

Hey, dad.
I need 100 bucks.

Don't ask why.

Hey. Me again.

We also need
laundry detergent

and cat food... the wet kind.

Hey, Dad. If Delilah's getting
100 bucks, I want 100...

Hey, it's Edie.

Listen, I know we didn't
really end on a good note,

but your son was...

Hey, it's me again.
Your machine cut me off.

Machine.

Hey, dumb ass, it's Vanessa.
Call me. It's impo...

Hey, it's me.

Looks like you finally
made it to the beach, huh?

Listen, I got the package.

Consider us square.

Hey, whatever you do,
just don't get in the...

♪ I go to sleep
and keep grinning ♪

♪ If this is just
the beginning ♪

♪ My life is gonna be
beautiful ♪

♪ She's telling me
we'll be wed ♪

♪ She's picked out
a king-sized bed ♪

♪ I couldn't feel any better
or I'd be sick ♪

♪ Tell me quick ♪

♪ Ain't that a kick
in the head ♪