06x05 - Love

[bunniefuu]

Our love is too grand for East Berlin.

Why don't we build a f*cking tunnel

underneath the Berlin Wall?

Elizabeth says, I'm
actually a trans woman.

John says, I'm gonna get
that money for her.

I'm gonna rob a bank.
I'm robbing a bank.

I feel wasted.

And Edie says, if my love isn't real,

no f*cking love is real.

I feel like I could puke tonight.

Let's do it.

- Cheers, yeah.
- Cheers!

If you don't believe in love,

then you might as well f*cking die.

Hello, my name is Anais Fairweather,

and tonight I'm gonna tell you

the beautiful story of
the Tunnel of Love.

This story takes place in Germany,

December, 1961,

between two young lovebirds,

Joachim Neumann and
Christa Gruhle.

They're like, I love you,

I love you, I love you.

The only problem is they
are stuck in East Berlin.

It's bleak as f*ck there.

They see the wall and he's like,

we have the f*cking Berlin Wall.

Like, our love is too
grand for East Berlin.

So Joachim is like, okay listen.

We've got to get over to
the west side, you know?

West side!

Okay, so Joachim's like, I
have these two passports.

And she's like, sounds great.

So they get to the
checkpoint and they're like,

okay, we're gonna f*cking do this, okay?

So the checkpoint people are like,

let him through.

Totally f*cking worked.

Christa tries to get through
and, like, all these

Stasi, like, secret German
police cars pull up,

and they, like, run after
her and they grab her,

and they're like, this
is a fake passport!

And then she's like, f*ck, you know?

And they grab her and they rip her away,

and Christa's like, Joachim!

And Joachim's like, Christa!

And he's like, I gotta go.

I love you. I will f*cking find you.

I promise you.

And she's like, f*ckin' A, dude.

That's really spilling. Oh, whoopses.

So he enrolls in this local university,

and he becomes an engineering student.

And he's like, listen, I need to get

to the love of my life,

and other engineering students are like,

I have people in East
Berlin that I love.

So Joachim's like, listen,

the f*cking Berlin Wall
is not just one wall.

It's in fact two seven-foot-plus walls

with barbed wire at the top

and a death zone in between

that if you try and pass
guards will sh**t you dead.

So why don't we build a f*cking tunnel

that's gonna go from West Berlin

underneath the wall to East Berlin,

and they're gonna be able
to get through this tunnel.

And everyone's like, yeah! f*ck yeah!

So they all put, like,
their hands in the middle,

and they're like, one, two, three,

Tunnel of Love, you know?

They start building the tunnel
in an abandoned bakery,

and they're like, I'm
gonna put a rafter here.

I'm gonna build a wall here.

I'm gonna f*cking scoop some dirt here.

And they're building this tunnel,

and they're, like,
shoving dirt in buckets.

I'm sorry.

I'm trying to explain.
I'm terrible at this.

They finally pop up on
the East Berlin side.

Joachim looks out and he sees
Christa in the distance.

Joachim's like, Christa!

And she's like, Joachim!

All of a sudden, the
m*therf*cking Stasi come in,

and they're like, ha ha! We got you!

We're taking her!

Christa was like, f*ck you, dude!

She's f*cking put in jail.

I sound so drunk.

The Stasi secret police

f*cking found out about this tunnel,

so Joachim's like, please, everybody,

we've got to build another tunnel.

And everyone's like, f*ck yeah!

So they start building
this other tunnel.

They're like.

They're digging, they're
filling up buckets of dust.

dust.

And they're like,
scooping, scooping dirt,

taking buckets of dirt,
taking buckets of dirt.

They pop out in a
m*therf*cking outhouse.

Pee-yew!

And people are like, dude, Joachim,

I don't know if you've heard,
but Christa's still in jail.

And Joachim, like, turns
around with, like,

dirt on his face and he's
like, f*ckin' A, dude!

And everyone's like, listen, Joachim.

We gotta get to our loves.

And he's like, okay, you're right.

I'm gonna help you and
the loves of your life.

Oh, my God!

It sucks.

Okay.

So on October 3, 1964,

they start escorting all
their family members

through the tunnel, boom,
boom, boom, boom, boom, boom.

And even though Christa is not there

'cause she's still in jail,

Joachim is trying to
help as much as he can.

And the last person goes
through and he's like,

okay, about to go.

Oh, I hate it.

Gonna go. Bye.

And he's about to duck under,

and all of a sudden
he hears, Joachim!

And he turns his little
f*cking German head,

and Christa's running towards him.

She got out of f*cking jail early.

And she's like, Joachim, I love you.

And Joachim is like,

Christa, I love you so f*cking much!

And they're about to
kiss so f*cking hard.

But then the stupid Stasi come in,

they're like, f*ck you!

Joachim shoves Christa
through the tunnel.

And Joachim and Christa, like,
climb as fast as they can

to safety, and the
f*cking Stasi are like,

pew, pew, pew, pew, pew, pew!

And Joachim is like, go, go,
go, go, go, go, go, go.

And he pushes her butt,
like, through this tunnel.

And when they pop up their heads

on the west side of Berlin,

they know that they are safe.

And they are like, let's get married.

And they get married.

And the f*cking tunnel that he built

became known as Tunnel 57,

because 57 East Berliners
were brought to freedom

from this tunnel.

It was the greatest escape

in the history of the Berlin Wall.

And they sat together in 1989

when the wall finally
came tumbling down,

and they held hands and they kissed

and they're like, this f*cking wall

that was built to keep us apart

is finally tumbling down.

Every single person who fought for love,

fought for the absolute right thing.

When I said "fought," it
sounded like, "fart."

No, you gotta fart for love.

We've known each other for a long time.

A long time, like 18 years.

- That's crazy.
- Exactly 18 years.

That's like... yeah, exactly 18 years.

Love. Love is a very important thing.

Hello, I'm Drew Dro...

Hello, I'm Drew Droege,

and today we are discussing
"Dog Day Afternoon,"

the real story.

Ruff, ruff.

Ruff, ruff.

It's 1971 and there's this
guy named John Wojtowicz.

He's a man about town,
he's like, I'm the sh*t.

He's at the Feast of San
Gennaro in Little Italy,

and he meets this
person named Elizabeth,

and they're like, hey. Hey.

Wow. Wow.

And they're like, hey,

we're at the Feast of San
Gennaro in Little Italy.

Let's have cannoli and
ziti and let's live life.

So John and Elizabeth are
in love with each other,

but Elizabeth says, I'm
actually a trans woman.

And John is like, I'm cool with that.

That's wonderful. That makes sense.

So they got married

in an unofficial
ceremony in The Village.

They're like, I'm in love with you.

Oh, my God, I'm in love with you.

And Elizabeth's like,
I need sexual reas...

She's like, I need sexual
reassignment surgery.

This costs $3,000.

And John says, we don't have $3,000.

In 2019, this drink costs $3,000.

Yeah, let's drink it.

Cheers.

So Elizabeth slips into
a deep depression,

and she goes into a mental hospital,

and she's removed from
John, and he misses her,

and he says, I want my wife.

I want the love of my life.

I'm gonna give her a sexual
reassignment surgery.

I'm gonna get that money for her.

I'm gonna rob a bank.
I'm robbing a bank.

So John recruits Salvatore Naturale

and Robert Westenberg,

and then they go see "The Godfather,"

and "The Godfather"
obviously was starring

Al Pacino and John Cazale.

"The Godfather" got them going.

They're like, let's...
let's be criminals like...

like the Corleones.

They realized, like, we're
gonna need some g*ns.

So they get the g*ns together.

The first bank they go to
is on the Lower East Side.

They get to the bank.
They drop a shotgun.

It goes off. Ka-boosh!

They're like, guys, everything's fine.

We just dropped a shotgun. It blew up.

We're people. Let's just be people.

But we gotta go to another bank.

The next one's in Queens.

They get out of the car,

they immediately run into
their moms' best friend,

who's like, Salvatore, what's going on?

How are you? John, nice to see you.

What are you two boys doing together?

And then they were thinking, oh, my God,

it's our mothers' best friend.

We gotta get outta here. Fungool.

That's from "Grease."

They finally get to the Chase
Manhattan in Brooklyn,

but Robert Westenberg
sees a cop car outside

and gets spooked and he leaves.

So it's just John and Sal

that go into the bank.

And they go in.

John yells, freeze. This is a holdup.

I'm not alone.

They pass the teller a note that says,

put all your money in a bag

or we're gonna start sh**ting people.

This is an offer you can't refuse.

And John's like, it's
from "The Godfather."

It's our favorite movie.

John and Sal, they're about to leave

when a bunch of cop cars pull up.

John was like, you know what?

We're gonna lea...

we're gonna keep everybody
in this bank hostage.

Boom.

This leads to a 14-hour
hostage standoff.

They're fumbling, bumbling.

The tellers are just freaking out.

They're not hardened criminals.

They don't really know
what they're doing.

Elizabeth asks John to stand down.

Ultimately Sal was k*lled,

and they arrest John.

So if you've seen the movie,
this is where it ends.

But there's more to this story.

So John goes to prison and he's like,

ugh, I went through all this,

and still my wife can't
get what she needs.

But a year later, Hollywood producers

come into his jail cell, and he's like,

who the f*ck are you guys?

What's going on here?

And they're like, we are
Hollywood producers.

We have a Hollywood movie

we would like to make about you.

We're gonna give you... 75...

$7,500 and a 1% profit share

for your story.

And he's like, it's enough money

for Elizabeth's sex change,

and that's the whole
reason I got into this.

Aww.

I feel wasted.

Anyway, in 1975, Sidney Lumet directs

"Dog Day Afternoon."

It makes $46 million.

It gets six Oscar nominations

and wins for Best Original Screenplay,

and it stars Al Pacino and John Cazale.

Wow.

In prison, he gets the nickname The Dog.

Um...

Elizabeth visits him once a month.

Elizabeth gets her sex change.

She was like, honey, I love you,

and thank you.

John is in prison for six years.

John gets out of prison,

and he eventually sees
"Dog Day Afternoon,"

and he's like, holy sh*t.

This is Al Pacino playing me

and John Cazale is playing Sal.

These are the people that I
watched in "The Godfather"

playing me in the movie.

How crazy is that?

So John and Elizabeth
eventually separate

after a while, but they remain friends.

It's ultimately a story about

an individual who sacrificed

everything that he was

to help someone else.

Love you, Drew.

Love you too, Derek.

- Yeah.
- Toujours l'amour.

Is that "Dog Day Afternoon" in Spanish?

French.

- I love you.
- I love you too, Derek.

- Cheers. Yay!
- Cheers, yay!

- This is good.
- Do you think burps are rude?

- 'Cause I'm gonna burp a lot.
- No!

Do you think farts are rude?

They're natural, but
they're not my favorite.

I'd rather "barp." Burp.

- Burp.
- Barp.

What do you think a barp is?

Is it a fart that sounds like a burp

or a burp that smells like sh*t?

That's it.

- Barp?
- I mean, you tell me.

You've gotta smell it.

A classic burp.

Hello.

My name's Alison Rich.

Today we're gonna be
talking about Edie Windsor

and the end of DOMA, the
Defense of Marriage Act.

Cheers, come on.

- Cheers!
- I feel like I could puke tonight.

You know what? Let's do it.

Tonight's the night to puke.

Yeah, let's just get it all out of us.

So the year is 1950.

The place is the United States of A.

At this point in history,
it's not even legal

to dance closely to a
person of the same sex.

So Edie Windsor was a young lesbian.

She's like, oh, I gotta keep
my personal life private,

because this is the past, and
the past is closed-minded.

So then... I'm talking about gay stuff.

So then Edie is in Greenwich Village,

and she notices a
beautiful, leggy brunette.

She goes, hey.

Are you... can I dance with you?

The woman goes, hello, my
name is Thea Spyer, and yes.

That's a great name.

We've got Edie Windsor and Thea Spyer.

- Two, like, cool lesbian names.
- Yeah.

You know, and then Edie goes,

is your dance card full?

Which is an old-timey way
of being like, you single?

And she goes, it is now,

meaning, I'm ready to... bump clams.

Is that... I don't know
if that's offensive.

A clam, no, they have pearls in them.

- Yes.
- p*ssy pearls.

p*ssy pearls.

So then they date and they fall in love.

But then on June 28, 1969,

she encounters the Stonewall riots,

where gay people were
being out and proud

about who they were
amid this police raid

at the Stonewall Inn.

So she goes home and she's like,

Thea, there's a big riot at
Stonewall about gay rights.

Maybe this is the moment
that we should come out

and... and tell the world
who we really are.

So she's like, hmm, I don't know.

That's really risky. Maybe not.

So Edie and Thea are
like, you know what,

we're not revolutionaries.

We're just two ladies, we're in love

and like to dance, and we're
gonna be private about it.

And they do that for the next 30 years.

That's a long time.

And the thing that they
really bonded over

was dancing.

In any situation, their
bodies could always connect,

through dance.

And it's about 2007 now,

and Thea was in a wheelchair with M.S.

Thea was like, I want to get married.

By this time, Canada had
made gay marriage legal.

So Thea and Edie go to Toronto,

and they get married in
front of six buddies.

They exchange rings,

and Edie and Thea are like, whoa,

this feels different.

To truly be married, like,
there's a tangible difference.

This is not bullshit.

That's very sweet to be like, I'm...

to flaunt the laws.

Yeah.

f*ck those laws.

So in 2009, Thea dies,

and Edie is there in the hospital,

and she's like, you know what?

I had a good life, we
had a beautiful love.

What more could I ask for?

And then, knock, knock, knock.

The U.S. government says,

hey, so you're friend Thea

left you a bunch of
property, money, assets,

and we don't recognize that
'cause you're two ladies.

It's not like you were married,

so we're gonna tax you on
the order of $1/2 million.

And Edie goes, bitch, you
know we were married,

and this is discrimi-f*cking-nation.

I'm gonna call a bunch of lawyers.

I'm gonna call a bunch
of gay rights activists.

Um, so then she says, excuse me,

I was in a relationship with
this woman for forever.

We got married in Toronto.
This is legit.

They're not recognizing the marriage

and they're trying to
tax the sh*t outta me.

And the lawyers and activists are like,

yeah, that's DOMA, you know?

Since 1996, this law
was enacted that says

on a federal level a marriage
is between a man and a woman,

and it's just un...
indefeatable... undefeatable?

In...? You can't do it.

But then Edie calls
Roberta "Robbie" Kaplan.

Is her name Roberta "Robbie" Kaplan?

- Her fun name is Robbie.
- Oh.

Her name is Roberta Kaplan,
and this woman goes,

you know what, I'll take you on.

You are what marriage is about.

You two were married for decades,

through sickness and in health.

You're a sweet old woman.

You're the perfect example
of what gay marriage can be.

- So Roberta and Edie...
- Mm-hmm.

Sue the federal government,

and it goes all the way
to the Supreme Court,

and Edie goes before them and says,

if my love isn't real,
no f*cking love is real.

We were together for so long.

Our love deserves to be recognized.

Wow.

It's actually very classy.

Okay.

So on June 26, 2013,
Edie and her supporters

gather around a computer,
pops up on the screen.

"DOMA is unconstitutional.
Five to four."

And everyone's like, whoo!

Ooh-ooh!

If I cheer too hard, I'm
gonna pee my pants.

So she goes back to Stonewall
in Greenwich Village,

and crowds were gathered and they went,

Edie! Edie! Edie!

And Edie thought to
herself, wow, years ago

when I walked past here
during the Stonewall riots,

me and Thea thought, we're
not revolutionaries,

but here we are years later,

and we are the revolutionaries.

We're the face of what
gay marriage can be.

And Edie dances one last dance

in the name of the love of her life:

Thea.

- To Thea.
- To Thea.

- And Edie.
- And Edie.

- Whoa!
- It's beautiful.

That's amazing.

Thanks to this one brave woman

and her belief in the
equality of her love,

gay marriage became legal.

Do you think in memory of them

that you and I should dance?

We should dance so close.

Well, can I give you a quick peck?

I promise.

- One...
- Two, three.

- Mwah.
- Aww.