06x09 - Derek Waters' Believe It Or Not

Episode transcripts for the TV Show "Drunk History". Aired: July 2013 to August 2019.*
Watch/Buy Amazon


"Drunk History" is presented by an inebriated narrator struggling to recount events from American history, while A-list talent perform historical reenactments.
Post Reply

06x09 - Derek Waters' Believe It Or Not

Post by bunniefuu »

Excuse me.

Hello, I'm Doug Jones,
and today,

we're gonna talk about
Lawnchair Larry.

- Cheers.
- Cheers.

Our story begins in 1962.

A 13-year-old boy
named Larry Walters

walks into an
Army Navy Surplus store.

And amongst the Swiss army knives

and the heavy duty flashlights,

he sees right before him
a weather balloon.

Suddenly, inspiration hits him
like a bolt of lightning.

He says, oh, my God.

If I had enough of these
balloons, I could fly.

He graduates from high school

and enlists in the U.S. Air Force,

but due to his poor eyesight,
he's rejected,

and this devastates him,
but he says, you know what?

I'm not gonna let this stop me.

Fast forward to 1982.

Larry is now
a 33-year-old truck driver,

and he still hasn't been able

to get this idea of flying
out of his head.

Larry's driving his truck.
He hears an airplane.

He looks up and he's like,
son of a bitch.

That's gonna be me someday.

Out of my way, assh*le.

Let it out.

So he brings his girlfriend, Carol,

into the very same
Army Navy Surplus store

he went to as a kid.

He says, I'm gonna buy
a bunch of these balloons.

I'm gonna tie them to a lawn chair

and then I'm gonna fly.

She says, you can't do that.

That's way too dange...

Excuse me.

That's way too dangerous.

He says, no, no, no, no, no.
I know what I'm doing.

And Carol says,
wow, okay, I'm in,

takes out her credit card,

and spends over $4,000
on weather balloons,

a lawn chair, helium tanks,

CB radio set, a BB pellet g*n.

So, Larry lays out the plan.

He says,
okay, I'm gonna take off

from your ho...
backyard in San Pedro.

I'm gonna fly over
to San Gabriel Mountains.

When I reach an altitude
of approximately 7,000 feet,

I'm gonna use the BB p*stol
to sh**t off that balloons,

and then I'll gradually
begin my safe descent

into the Mojave Desert.

Now, here's the important part.

Right before I take off,
you're gonna notify the FAA

so that I don't get hit by a plane.

I really don't wanna
get hit by a plane.

I spilled on my nuts.

So, uh...

Larry establishes his ground crew,

which consists of
his girlfriend, Carol,

and his buddy, Ron.

He's like, hey, what's up?
I'm Ron.

They take 42 weather balloons
and fill them with helium,

tie it to Al...
aluminum lawn chair,

tie that to two dozen
jugs of water for ballast.

Larry christens his contraption,

Inspiration I.

And he's like,
okay, it's go time.

Let's rock and roll.
They cut the first tether.

Suddenly, Carol's like,
whoa, whoa, whoa, wait.

Wait a minute.
Larry, this is a big mistake.

Larry turns to Carol and says, baby...

I'm sorry, but a man
can't just sit around.

Right then and there,

a gust of wind comes along

and the second tether snaps in half,

and Larry sh**t off into the sky

at a thousand feet per minute.

Lar... uh, Carol freaks out.

Larry is, uh, up in the sky,

and he's like, oh, my God.

My greatest wish has come true.

Ron turns to Carol and says,
my God, Carol.

We forgot to notify the FAA.

Oh, my God. I'm so drunk.
So, uh...

Larry gets on a CB radio

and he's like...

Okay, I'm at 500 feet.

I am now entering
federal airspace...

I am at 1,450 feet...

higher than the Sears Tower...

I am now at 6,500 feet.

I'm above the clouds.

At that very moment,
two commercial airplane pi...

flying by.

He's like, did you
see the game last night?

That Fernando Valenzuela
has one hell of an arm...

That son of a bitch.

And then Larry's like...

Now I'm at 8,000 feet.

Oxygen becomes scarce
at 8,500 feet.

He's like,
when I was a teenager,

I experienced Beatlemania,

but this is more like,
banana-man... mania.

Am I right?

And then Larry's like,
holy sh*t. Oh, my God.

I'm at 16,000 feet.

I'm three miles above sea level.

I thought I would stop
at 7,000,

and now I am a two...
double... two over double.

Oh, good dear God!
Oh, what have I done?

The pilot looks over.

Well, I'll be a son of a bitch.

A guy on a lawn chair holding a g*n?

Carol freaks out. She's like,
Larry, you're too high.

You're gonna get in trouble.

But she's like, how's the view?

And he's like, it's nice.

It's real good, but you're right.

It's time to come back down now.

He takes the BB p*stol.
He sh**t up.

Pew, pew, pew,
pew, pew, pew, pew...

seven of the
42 weather balloons.

And then he sets the g*n
on his lap,

and it falls into the sky,
and it's gone.

And he's like, oh, my God.
Whoa, no!

Oh, no!

What am I gonna do now?

Well, as it turns out,

35 weather balloons is the
perfect amount of balloons

to make a safe and gradual
descent into land.

Inspiration I
lands on the power cords

in Long Beach, uh,
and knocking out the power

in the entire neighborhood.

Carol runs up to him.

Carol says, oh, my God.
Thank God you're okay.

Gives him a big-ass hug
and is like,

please tell me you're never
gonna do that again.

He makes the evening news.

He never gets charged with anything.

The very next week,

Larry gets a special invitation

to be a guest on the
"Late Night with David Letterman."

- Wow.
- Letterman says,

wow, how does it feel

to accomplish something that
you've always wanted to do?

And Larry says,

I've achieved inner peace,

and I'm the happiest person
alive today.

♪ Taking me
out of the space I was in ♪

♪ Making my wishes come true ♪

♪ Believe it or not,
I'm walking on air ♪

♪ Never thought
I could feel so ♪

♪ Free-ee-ee ♪

♪ Flying away on ♪

♪ Balloons and a chair ♪

Both: ♪ Who could it be? ♪

♪ Believe it or not ♪

♪ It's Larry ♪

And that's now officially a parody,

which is royalty-free,
so you can use this.

- To Larry Walters.
- To Larry Walters.

Is there an Army Navy
surplus store in the area?

Stay tuned for more "Drunk... "

Hello.
I'm Allan McLeod, and today,

we're gonna talk about
Phineas Gage.

Cheers, Allan.
Welcome back.

So, our story begans
September 1848

in Cavendish, Vermont.

Phineas Gage, who's the
foreman of a railroad crew...

he loves his job, and therefore,

everybody beneath him
loves working for him.

His workers are talking to him like,

hey, Phineas, what do you need?

Oh, I need my rod.
Thank you.

I need my gunpowder.
Thank you.

I'm just gonna
pour the gunpowder in.

We're gonna tamp it down,

and we're about to go
'splody-'splody with it.

Is everybody having a good da...

So, this rod is made of iron.

It's about 4 feet long.

It's about an inch and
a quarter in dinameter.

When the expl*si*n happens,
it sh**t through his head,

through his brain,
through his skull,

and lands a few yards away.

But amazingly, he was conscious.

All the workers rush up
to Phineas like, you okay?

You okay?
He's like, yeah.

No, I'm back.
Let's... let's get back to it.

We gotta break these rocks, son.

They're like, Phineas, we gotta
get you to the hospital, man.

So they go to the medical
office of Dr. John Harlow.

And doc's like,
come on in, buddy.

We gotta get all the skull debris

and loose brain out of the way,

so I'm just gonna
stick my fingers here,

and, uh, through your
brain here, and, uh, well,

I'm gonna stick my other
fingers through this thing,

and... well,
my fingers are touching now.

It's like Chinese
finger trapping here, man.

Dr. Harlow bandages him up.

And Phineas is like,
can I have my pants now?

You can have
more than your pants now.

You can have your shoes.
You can have your socks.

I'll even throw in your underwear.

Word starts spreading,

gets around to this doctor
over at Harvard,

Dr. Henry Bigelow.

Dr. Bigelow has him
do a battery of tests...

memory tests
and motor skills tests.

He does great on them.

Dr. Bigelow is like, hey, you
got a clean bill of health.

This is crazy, but...

It looks like you can have
a traumatic brain injury

to the frontal lobe and
it's not a really big deal.

That's great news.

The brain is resilient as f*ck.

So he goes home to celebrate
with his boys.

He's hanging out and he's like,

let's get another
m*therf*cking round

of sh*ts, baby.

So Phineas,
what's been going on, man?

Ugh, I was just up in Boston,
man... tearing it up, dude.

I was meeting with this doctor
at Harvard... Bigelow.

He's studying me 'cause I'm, like,

basically superhuman right now.

f*ck that, though.
Let's not even talk about that.

Let's get some pussay!

What? Phineas, you're
acting super weird.

You don't seem to be
your normal self.

What?
I'm the true me now.

I'm my truest self.
I'm hypersexual, man.

I'm sorry if you don't like it,

but time to get with
the program. Let's f*ck.

Are you okay, Phinny?

I'm not Phinny anymore.

I'm Mr. Gage with the big d*ck.

I had a man finger my head,
so I can do anything.

I'll f*ck a dog.

Uh, so anyway,
can I have my old job back

as foreman of the railroad crew?

I'm sorry, man. We're not
really sure you're as responsible

as you used to be,
and I don't know.

You just kind of changed
since the head injury,

and we hate to say it,
but we're not gonna...

you can't be foreman anymore.

He was like, you know what?
f*ck you guys.

I'm taking my rod
and I'm hitting the road.

Phineas leaves jobless.

He sees a sign for P.T.
Barnum's museum of curiosities,

and he decides to go to New York
and become a curiosity.

And they're like,
step right up.

See the man who has a rod
for a best friend,

and hear a story of why
it's his best friend

'cause it sh*t through
his head one time,

and now he's got a hole
in his head.

Bit of a long lead-up,
but just go in and see him, hey.

He even charges extra for
people who wanna come up

and pull his hair back
and see his brain.

Step right up.
You wanna see his brain?

Pay a little extra.

You can see his pulsating,
gleaming, juicy brain.

Daddy, can I see his
gleaming, juicy brain?

Oh, Christ.
All right.

Jesus.

So he's on display

as a sideshow attraction
with P.T. Barnum.

And Phineas eventually goes to San
Francisco to his old family farm.

Phineas is a lot different.
His emotions have changed.

And he's like,
I f*cking love you, Mom.

I f*cking love you, Uncle.
Yes!

And that's when
his uncle and his mom...

they realized something's off
with his personality.

He's not the same old Phineas Gage.


And everything starts
catching up to him.

And 12 years after his accident,

in 1860,
Phineas Gage passes away.

John Harlow, his first doctor,
hears about that and is like,

hey, uh, Mama Gage.
I know this is kinda weird,

but can I, you know,
exhume the body?

Can I, like, dig up your son

and take his skull
and study it and...

All I wanna do is
exhume-zoom-zoom...

They exhume the body.

He takes the skull of Phineas Gage.

Dr. John Harlow actually
kept detailed diaries

on Phineas and his progress
over the years.

It was these diaries
that helped scientists

make the connection between
injuries to the frontal lobe

and personality
changes, impulse control,

and anti-social behavior.

Everything that's written about

Phineas Gage's brain injury

is important to the last 170 years

of neuroscientific research.

Okay.

- Cheers.
- Believe it or not.

Stay tuned for more
of "Drunk History."

You okay?

Oh, boy.

Hello, I'm...

Okay, wait.
I feel like... okay...

Okay...

Hello, I'm Jennie Pierson,

and tonight, we'll be discussing
the Greenbrier Ghost.

_

on January 23rd, 1897,

in Greenbrier County,
West Virginia.

Edward Shue is toiling
in his blacksmith shop.

Suddenly, he spies a local boy
walk by, and he's like, boy,

if you could go to my house
and check on my wife

and ask her
if she needs anything,

uh, from... if... sh... uh...

And ask my wife if she needs me

to bring anything home
to her on my way home.

- Sounds very lazy.
- Super f*cking lazy.

So, this little boy,
like, goes to the house.

He's like, hello?
Mrs. Shue?

Hello?
Where is e...

is anybody here...
Li... hello...

and what he sees
is Edward's wife, Zona,

dead at the foot of the stairs.

Oh, boy. I've never seen
a dead body before...

So, a few hours later,

Dr. George W. Knapp
arrived to examine the body,

and finds that
Edward has already

bathed the body and dressed it.

So Edward is, like, cradling
his wife's head in his arms,

and he's like...

My wife...

Oh!

And Knapp is like, excuse me.

Can I... excuse me, could I...
I just need to...

I gotta check the...
if I could get into the...

Oh, boy.

So, he goes, okay, well,
since I can't really

examine the body, I guess it
seems like she d*ed from, um,

ever... everlasting faint?

And he deduced this
because he had been

treating her for "female trouble,"

which I guess just means,
like, cramps.

Like, her period...

So he puts that
on the coroner's report.

So, Zona's mother,
Mary Jane, is like,

wait, whoa, whoa, whoa,
wait, wait, wait.

Wait.
You guys, there's 100% no way

my daughter d*ed
from her period...

Okay. Four weeks later,
she felt a chill in the air.

There was a flash of light.

She's like, what is going on?

The ghost of her daughter
appears.

Zona, the daughter,
is sorta staring at her,

and she's not saying anything,
and then all of a sudden,

her head starts to turn,

and it turns completely around...

all the way around.

And Mary Jane is like,
oh, my God...

Your neck was broken.

So Mary Jane is like,
oh, sh*t!

Like, my daughter
got m*rder*d by her husband.

Like, I have to go
tell somebody what happened

because she didn't
just die from her period.

That's insane...

So, like, the next morning,

she runs to the prosecutor,
John Alfred Preston.

And this prosecutor's like...

He's exhausted
because he's having

to prosecute everybody because

everyone's a nightmare in the 1800s.

So she tells him what happened.

She's like, I know this
sounds batshit bananas

creepy crazy, but this is real.

And he's like, I don't know
about this ghost story,

but let...
let me look at the evidence.

He looks at the specifics
and he's like,

okay, female trouble,
everlasting faint...

this seems f*cking suspect.

So Preston's like, Dr. Knapp,
can you come into my office?

I need you to exhume the body,

and I need you to reexamine it
and... look at me...

I need you to do a f*cking
good job this time.

So they exhume the body.
They reexamine it.

And he's like,
looks like her neck is broken,

and there's finger marks
on her neck?

Oh, God.

She was m*rder*d!

I didn't do my job.

What?

So John Preston is like, well,
I guess this ghost lady...

Like, was right.

I'm very drunk...

I like that... oh...

I pissed.

Why'd you make me piss though?

So Edward gets arrested.
We go to the trial.

And Preston did not wanna
put Mary Jane on the stand

to tell the ghost story
because he was afraid that

that would make her
look batshit crazy.

And that is precisely
why the...

What do you call it?

Defense.
Sorry.

- Mm-hmm, yeah, you got it.
- Oh, my God.

I've watched so much of "Law
& Order." I should know this.

The defense attorney...
he asks her,

uh, apparently, you saw your
daughter come to you as a ghost.

Why don't you tell us
about that, you dumb lady?

And she's like,
look, I prayed for weeks

that the ghost of my daughter
would appear to me

and tell me
how she was m*rder*d.

And she finally appeared to me
and told me that

her husband, Edward, had
broken her neck out of anger.

That's what happened,
you guys.

That is what happened.

And the judge is like,
I'll allow it.

Everybody, I allow
the testimony of a ghost

to be allowed into
the legal court documents.

Order, order, everybody!
Order!

So he hits the gavel.

The jury deliberates
for an hour and ten minutes.

The jury foreman
comes back and is like,

despite any concrete evidence,

what we did hear is this ghost
testimony, and we're buying it,

and because of that,
this guy is guilty.

They don't have any doubt.

The judge is like,
he's sentenced to a life in prison.

And Mary Jane breathes
a sigh of relief...

f*cking finally.

This is the only known case

where a testimony from a ghost

helped convict a m*rder*r.

That's so insane-sounding...

Never felt more insane.
Post Reply