09x17 - Not in My Mouth!

[bunniefuu]

Sorry, Nigel,
dinner took longer than I thought.

Yeah.

And now we are stuck in traffic.

Yeah, bumper to bumper.

Well, tell Ava
I'll be there in an hour, okay? Okay.

Why didn't you tell him the truth?

Because I know my ex-husband
quite well.

It'd really upset him if he found out
you flew me to San Francisco...

...in your private jet
just to have fried clams.

-Mm. You're right, you shouldn't tell him.
-Thank you.

-I'll tell him.
-Ha-ha.

I wanted to do something nice for you
before you went to London.

I'll only be gone for a few weeks.

And I will miss you.

And I will miss you.

[RUMBLING]

-Whoa!
-What was that?

Heh. Don't worry, it's normal.

[BOTH SCREAM]

-That's not normal!
-Oh, God! Oh, God! Oh, God!

Zoey, I love you.

-I don't want to die.
-Did you hear me? I said I love you.

I heard you
and I said I don't want to die.

[RUMBLING STOPS]

PILOT [OVER PA]: Sorry about that,
Mr. Schmidt. Just some clear air turbulence.

Should be smooth sailing
from here on out.

I doubt that.

[SINGING "TWO AND A HALF MEN" THEME]

Aww. What's sadder
than an empty bottle of wine?

Being the boyfriend of a 40-year-old
drunk soccer mom.

What?

I was just thinking
you might wanna slow down a little.

It's only wine, jeez.

It's only been wine since last July.

Hey, hey, that got a three-star rating
in the Walmart Wine Tracker.

Oh. What's the big deal?

So I need a few glasses
to loosen me up.

You need to get loaded
to have sex with me?

-I'm not loaded.
-Fine.

But it doesn't hurt.

-Hey, guys.
-Wally. Want some wine?

WALDEN: No, I don't like to drink
when I'm depressed.

Wally, that's the best time to drink.

Also when you're bored, lonely
or just, you know, too sober.

Why are you depressed?

-I don't know, it's kind of personal.
-Okay, no problem.

What do you do when you tell someone
you love them...

-...and they don't respond?
-Drink.

-You told Zoey you love her?
-I thought the plane was gonna crash.

And it just kind of came out.
Along with a little squirt of pee.

So, what did she say?

[IN BRITISH ACCENT]
"Oh, God, oh, God, I don't want to die."

Well, given the circumstance,
that's a legitimate response.

[IN NORMAL VOICE] In the moment.
What about after the plane leveled?

Well, what'd she say then?

[IN BRITISH ACCENT]
"Why do I smell pee?"

[IN NORMAL VOICE] Then we just sat there
in silence for the rest of the flight.

Should have drank.

Well, I'm gonna go change my underwear
before I get diaper rash.

Wow.

-I feel bad for him.
-Yeah.

I mean, you know, to tell somebody
you love them and just get no response.

Awful.

-You know how I feel about you, right?
-Right.

-You know how I feel about you?
-Oh, absolutely.

-Still nice to hear on occasion.
-Oh, I agree.

I can do this as long as you can, pal.

[KNOCK ON DOOR]

It's open.

Hey, can I talk to you for a minute?

Sure. What's up?

Uh....

I didn't sleep at all last night, man.
This Zoey stuff is making me crazy.

Oh, man, I'm sorry.

I'm starting to wonder
if I should break up with her.

Hang on. Just because
she didn't say "l love you"...

-...doesn't mean she doesn't feel it.
-You think?

Some people have a hard time
articulating their feelings.

So they express them in other ways.

[LYNDSEY VOMITING LOUDLY]

-Is that Lyndsey?
-Tsk.

Yeah, she had a little too much vino
last night.

Anyway, I think you just
have to be patient with Zoey.

[LYNDSEY VOMITING LOUDLY]

Yeah, I guess.

[GAGS]

Ahem. Sorry, I have a hard time
with people throwing up.

Try watching and holding her hair.

It's just Zoey's going to England
for a few weeks.

[LYNDSEY VOMITING LOUDLY]

And I'm-- Uh-- Uh--

I'm starting to think if I'm gonna--

[GAGS]

If I'm gonna end it,
that now would be a good time.

[LYNDSEY VOMITING]

Whoa.

You'd think I'd be used to it by now.

No, no, no, don't do anything hasty.

[LYNDSEY VOMITING LOUDLY]

I can't-- I can't just leave--

I can't just leave things
the way that they are.

[LYNDSEY VOMITING LOUDLY]

Why don't you go talk to her? You know,
just put your cards on the table.

Yeah, maybe.

[GAGS]

LYNDSEY:
Crap, now I gotta change my bra.

Maybe we should
just give her some privacy.

LYNDSEY: Oh, God,
now it's coming out both ends.

Good idea.

[LYNDSEY VOMITING THEN COUGHING]

ZOEY: Ava, you need to get dressed.
Mommy has to go.

Walden. Delightful.

Nigel. Disgusting.

-Are you here to pick up your daughter?
-I am.

Zoey tell you that we took my jet to
San Francisco last night for fried clams?

No, she did not.

Well, we did.

Are you sharing this information
just to upset me?

Actually, I was hoping
to make you feel inadequate as well.

Oh, Walden, what are you doing here?
Nigel, I'm running late.

So will you for once please make
yourself useful and help Ava get ready?

Well, only because you asked
so nicely.

-Enjoy her.
-Hi.

-We need to talk.
-Now? I'm about to leave for the airport.

-I'll take you.
-Thanks, but I have a car coming.

Now, where is my passport?

Nigel, have you seen my passport?

NIGEL: I don't live here, Zoey,
I merely pay the rent.

I just don't wanna leave things
the way they are.

-Everything's fine.
-No, it's not.

I said I love you. Only response I got
is the not-very-surprising information...

...that you don't wanna die
in a crashing plane.

-Can't we discuss this when I get back?
-What's to discuss?

You either love me or you don't.

I'm about to leave
on an important business trip.

The last thing I need now
is more pressure.

I'm not pressuring.

I'm asking for a simple definitive answer
right now before you leave.

[OBJECT CRASHING]

-What was that?
NIGEL: Sorry...

...knocked over
your Chinese table lamp.

Perhaps you can buy another one
next time you jet to San Francisco.

It came up.

I'm sorry, I just don't have the time
for this now, okay?

Ava, are you dressed?

Well, that seems pretty
definitive to me.

That's it, no more relationships.
I'm done, finished, just over.

[ELEVATOR BELL DINGS]

-Hi.
-Hi.

And I'm back.

Hey, can I have 75 bucks
for the new "Call of Duty"?

Seventy-five dollars
for a video game?

Think of it as an investment.

An investment.

Yeah, if I go into the Army
after high school...

...I'll already know how
to k*ll t*rrorists.

Who had corn chowder
for dinner last night?

How do you know
anybody had corn chowder?

BERTA: Because it's dripping
all over your bathroom.

Sorry about that.

Lyndsey got a little bit queasy
this morning.

BERTA: She pregnant?
-Oh, no, no. Gosh, no.

[ALAN CHUCKLES]

Absolutely not.

-Here.
-Me?

Not my girlfriend, not my vomit,
not my problem.

-I'll clean it up.
-You will?

For 75 bucks.

JENNIFER [LAUGHING]: That's great.
-Hey, everybody.

-This is Jennifer.
-Hi.

BERTA: Hey.
-Hey.

Hey.

-Let's go take a walk on the beach.
-Great.

Oh. Walden, before you go,
can I talk to you for a minute?

-I'll bring him right back.
-You'd better. Ha-ha.

My name's Jake.

Hi, Jake.

My friends call me Jake.

-What are you doing?
-Zoey made it perfectly clear.

She doesn't love me or need me,
so I'm moving on.

You left here an hour ago.
How did you find another girl already?

-Oh. Met her in the elevator.
-I've been in a million elevators.

Never walked out with a girl like that.

Maybe you need to work
on your attitude.

What exactly did Zoey say?

No, it's what she didn't say.
She didn't say "l love you."

Oh, please, if I insisted
on women saying "l love you"...

... I'd have never had a girlfriend,
a wife or a mother.

[CELL PHONE RINGING]

It's Zoey.

Hello?

So, Jennifer, how old are you?

Twenty-four. How old are you?

-I'm 24 and a half.
-Hmm.

JAKE:
Hmm?

I'm surprised that you called.
Where are you?

On the plane. We're sitting at the gate.

Are you okay?

No. I feel miserable
about the way we left things.

-You do?
-Yeah.

I've just been so stressed
and busy lately...

...that I haven't been able
to think straight.

But sitting here
for the last 40 minutes...

...without so much
as a bloody glass of water...

...I've come to a realization.

I'm listening.

The reason I haven't said
those words to you...

...is because I'm afraid that if I do
say them, something bad will happen.

-Why would you think that?
-Because it always has.

I've only said those words twice.

The last time I ended up married
to an insufferable twit.

And the time before that?

I got a thank-you note
and a Swatch watch from Russell Brand.

Russell Brand?

Not my proudest moment.

Okay, I get it. So you're
just superstitious about saying it.

Nothing to do with the way
you feel about me.

No, not at all.

The whole reason I called
is to tell you that I honestly--

Oh! There you are. Mm.

-Cool bedroom.
-Who's that?

Uh-- Berta.

You couldn't even wait
until my plane takes off?

It's not what you think.

-Goodbye, Walden.
-No, no, Zoey, just--

[IN SINGSONG VOICE]
Awkward.

[SIGHS]

I can't believe
I kiss the mouth that did this.

Alan, I need to talk to you.

[GAGS]

-Can we do it out here?
-Gladly.

Oh, good Lord.

Looks like someone cleaned a deer
in the bathtub.

-What's going on?
-Zoey FaceTimed me from the plane.

-To tell me that she loves me.
-Good.

-But she saw Jennifer in my bedroom.
-Bad.

-Immediately tried to call her back.
-Good.

-She wouldn't answer.
-Bad.

Gonna fuel my jet, fly to London,
beg forgiveness.

-Good.
-Will you stop that?

-I need you to come with me.
-Me? Why?

I need a witness. You can say
nothing happened with Jennifer.

Great, I'm your man.

I am not gonna touch that glove.

-Come on.
-Oh! I promised Lyndsey I'd take her out...

-...to a big fancy romantic dinner tonight.
-Bring her.

-Really?
-Yeah, sure.

A private jet to London does b*at an
1 1-year-old Volvo to the Olive Garden.

-I'll pack a bag.
-No time. I'll buy whatever in London.

-You're kidding.
-Come on.

Hey, if Zoey won't say it, I will.
I love you, Walden Schmidt.

Thank you, Walden.
This is just incredible.

Glad you like it.

What'd your son say when you told him
you were flying to London?

He told me to bring him back
some English pot.

This is definitely the way to travel.

No boarding passes,
no airport security.

None of those scanners that
show strangers the size of your dingle.

Don't you worry about your dingle,
honey.

He's a grower, not a shower.

-Yeah, he told me.
-He tells everyone.

JAKE:
Can I interest you in a brewski?

-What?
-That's Polish for "Do you want a beer?"

I've traveled extensively through Asia.

Wow, thanks.

Are you sure Walden said
he'd be right back?

-Forget Walden. Let's talk about us.
-Us?

That's English for "you and me."

[SINGING] Poppin' bottles in the ice
Like a blizzard

When we're drunk, we do it right
Gettin' slizzard

Like a G-6, like a G-6

Why don't you take your seat,
put your seatbelt on?

Pish, pish, party pooper.

Wally, this is so romantic,
what you're doing.

You're flying across a whole ocean
just to win back the woman you love.

Thank you.

Alan, sweetie,
I need to tell you something.

Yeah?

I know I give you a hard time.

But in my heart, I really, really lo--

[LYNDSEY VOMITING]

ALAN:
Oh, God!

-I'm so sorry.
ALAN: Oh, oh.

LYNDSEY:
I'm so--

-Here. Here.
-Oh, thank you.

[LYNDSEY VOMITING]

Oh, God! Oh, God!

-Oh, God!
-Hang on, I'll get some towels.

Aah!

PILOT: Okay, folks,
we've got clear skies ahead...

[WALDEN, ALAN, LYNDSEY VOMITING]

...and we'll be in London
in approximately four hours.

So just sit back
and enjoy the rest of your flight.

[VOMITING CONTINUES]

Bottom line, Zoey, I can assure you...

...that nothing happened
between Walden and that woman.

Really?

What reason would I have
to lie to you?

For one, he gave you and Lyndsey
a free trip to London...

...where you all inexplicably decided
to dress up like Japanese tourists.

That's my fault.
I kind of threw up on them a little.

A little?
I might have to get a new plane.

That's all very interesting.

But the fact remains
you still invited my neighbor...

...the whore from the seventh floor,
back to your house.

Yeah, but nothing happened.

Nothing happened
because I called and interrupted you.

Okay, I think we're saying
the same thing here.

Listen, the fact is, I love you.

Okay? And I was an idiot
to put pressure on you.

And I made a terrible mistake
and I'm very, very sorry.

Okay.

We should-- I think we should go.

I do love you, Walden.

-You do?
-Of course I do.

That's why I called you from the plane,
you ninny.

So you forgive me?

That depends.

Do I have to worry every time
we fight...

...that you're gonna go out
and pick up another woman?

Not as long as
I know that you love me.

Good answer.

Come here.

-I love you, Lyndsey.
-And I love you.

[LYNDSEY GAGGING]

ALAN:
Not in my mouth.

[LYNDSEY VOMITING]

-Oh, God.
-Oh, God.

[WALDEN AND ZOEY VOMITING]

No, seriously, dude. No lie.

All right, fine, you don't believe me?
Here.

Yep, five times.
Best half-hour of my life.

[WALDEN GAGS]