09x23 - The Straw in My Donut Hole

[bunniefuu]

NARRATOR:
Previously on Two and a Half Men:

I know I said I wanted to get rid of her
and have you come back.

-Oh, no.
-I'm just gonna have to make it work.

No, no, no, no, no!

-I'm sorry.
-Okay, I'll figure something out.

If nothing else, I am a survivor.

Doctor said you had a little heart att*ck.

Yeah, I remember now.

Zoey's moving in and I'm moving out.

[EKG BEEPING RAPIDLY]

-No, no, you're not moving out.
-I'm not?

No. You can stay as long as you want,
as long as you need.

Oh, that's.... That's so good to hear.

-Really, you don't have to carry my bags.
-You had a heart att*ck, okay?

-You need to take it easy.
-Well, I appreciate it, but I'm fine.

Whoa. Do not say that.

-Why not?
-Let me tell you about my Grandma Abigail.

When I was a kid,
she came to move in with us.

One day I said, "How you doing, Grandma?"
And she said, "Fine."

And then she dropped dead.

-You're kidding.
-No. Facedown in my Legos.

Well, that's terrible. But I'm fine.

Do not say that.

My Uncle Hal? When I was a kid,
he used to spend Thanksgivings with us...

...and one year, at dinner,
like football and turkey and the whole bit.

And I said, "How you doing, Uncle Hal?"
And he said, "Fine."

And then he went to the bathroom,
and he crapped out his small intestines.

Okay, that's horrible, heh,
but I promise you I am fine.

ALL:
Surprise!

I told you not to say it!

Somebody call 91 1.

-Gotcha.
EVELYN: Oh, Alan.

Alan, don't you ever do that to me again.

-Ha-ha-ha. I'm sorry, I'm sorry.
-Ugh.

So all you guys came
just to welcome me back?

BERTA: Of course.
EVELYN: We were worried about you.

Yeah. I've been beside myself
with concern.

I don't know what to say.
I'm really touched.

Come here, Alan.

Sit down. I made you some tea.

-Did you call me Alan?
-That's your name, isn't it?

-Yeah, but you always call me Zippy.
-I know, but I've got a rule:

Never make fun of someone
who could come back and haunt me.

Sugar or honey?

I thought we decided on Alan.

[BOTH CHUCKLE]

Alan, are you warm enough?

-You want me to turn up the heat?
-I'm fi-- Okay.

Why don't you just lay down?

No, I'm good.
I've been in a bed for a week.

Do it for me.

Uh, okay, but let me point out that
that never works when I say it to you.

While you were in the hospital,
I aced all my final exams.

Really? I don't believe it.

I told you he wouldn't buy it.

Wait, you lied to me?

I told him to.
I thought the truth might k*ll you.

There is some real good news.

-What's that?
-I found out for sure I'm not gay.

Why is that good news?

That's mostly good news for gay people.

All right, look, I appreciate all the trouble
you're taking to welcome me home.

But, heh, if you don't mind,
I'd just like to go back to my room.

You heard him. He wants to go to his room.
Here, Zoey, take the tea.

ALAN: Walden, I can walk on my own.
-Ha-ha-ha.

That's what my blind Aunt Shirley said.

And then we went to Miami
on Christmas vacation...

...then, wham, greyhound came out
of nowhere and flattened her.

She got hit by a bus?

No, she wandered onto the dog track
in the middle of the ninth race.

Technically, she came in third.

-Anyway, I got a little surprise for you.
-Oh, Walden, you've already done so much.

I don't know what else
you could possibly--

[GASPS]

-A real bed.
-Yeah. It's not just a bed.

-Get on, check it out.
-Oh, my golly.

[GASPING]

Aww.

[LAUGHING]

The bed is becoming tumescent.

-Yeah, pretty cool, huh?
-Ha-ha-ha.

You don't have to exert yourself
getting in and out.

Ah, ha, ha. Ooh, and what, pray tell, is that?

That is a 46-inch, high-definition,
plasma-screen TV...

...complete with the deluxe
sports satellite package.

Nice. No movies?

No. We can switch it to a movie package.

Or you can add it.

Yeah, okay. We'll add it.

-And don't forget the adult channels.
-No problem.

Have to ask for them specifically
or they block them.

Right. Hey, why don't you take a nap
until dinner?

-I'm not tired.
-Oh, ha, ha.

That's what Cousin Earl said before
he fell asleep with a cigarette in his hand.

-Set his bed on fire?
-No. His fireworks stand.

I was standing across the street yelling
when the first rocket went off...

...followed by 800 Roman candles.

It was horrifying...

...and really cool at the same time.

Okay, I'll take a nap.

Good. I don't want you to do anything.
Just relax and get better.

That's a nice thought,
but I got work to do, bills to pay.

Don't worry. I'll take care of everything.

-I can't let you--
-I made a promise to myself when I was 1 1...

...and salmonella decimated my father's side
of the family at the Easter egg hunt.

Nobody else dies on my watch.

Poor guy, living with all that guilt.

I can exploit that.

-How come you're not coming over?
-I can't, I have Ava.

-Why don't you come over here?
-I can't, I have Alan.

Oh, for God's sake.

-Well, he had a heart att*ck, Zoey.
-Oh, bollocks.

He's gonna outlive us all.

A week after nuclear Armageddon,
the world will be populated...

...by nothing but cockroaches
and Alan Harper.

Wow, that is a side of you
that is not attractive.

-Lawyer side of me.
-Yeah, yuck.

I see these kind of scam artists
all the time...

...and I don't want you
being taken advantage of.

-I am just taking care of my friend.
-No.

You are providing food, shelter,
and satellite TV to a cockroach.

ALAN:
Hello? Anybody?

Getting kind of hungry in here!

Oh, Berta, Alan's hungry.
Is his dinner ready yet?

BERTA:
Coming up!

-Really? He gets room service?
-Tell you about my Aunt Phyllis?

When I was a kid,
she took me to New York...

...at the Waldorf-Astoria,
and she didn't wanna wait for room service.

She headed down to the restaurant and fell
24 stories down an empty elevator shaft.

We never got to see Cats.

You're afraid Alan's gonna fall
into an elevator shaft?

Don't poke at it, Zoey,
the wound is still fresh.

[KNOCKING ON DOOR]

Come in.

Did my little buddy save room
for dessert?

-I sure did, Skipper.
-Good, because I made your favorite.

-Peach cobbler?
-Yup.

-Warm with ice cream?
-I'll be right back.

I'm not going anywhere. Ha, ha.

Okay, let's see what's on
those adult channels.

Avatart.

Oh, in 3D.

[KNOCKING ON DOOR]

Ooh.

Come in.

-Hey, you.
-Judith, what a nice surprise.

-How are you feeling?
-Not bad.

-All things considered.
-You're so brave.

Now, there's something
we need to talk about.

I know the child-support checks are late,
but please allow me to get back to my job.

Shh, shh, shh.

[MUMBLES]

Forget the child support.

[MUMBLES]

You just get better.
I can manage fine without your money.

All right. I always suspected as much,
but thank you.

Herb and I have the condo in Palm Springs.
You're welcome to use it while recuperating.

How can you afford a condo?

We made a judgment call
with Jake's college fund.

Anyway, you're welcome to use it.

Wow. Thank you. That's very generous.

Well, look, I know
we've obviously had our differences.

-We have.
-And I haven't always been very nice to you.

I just figured you didn't like me.

We were married for 12 years.
You're the father of my son.

Just because we couldn't stay married
doesn't mean I stopped loving you.

Gee, it sure felt that way.

Well, I'm sorry for that.
You just get well, okay?

-Okay. Heh.
-Mm.

A house in Malibu, no child support,
a free condo in Palm Springs...

...why would anyone want to
eliminate heart disease?

Don't worry, you lovely blue ladies,
as soon as my right hand is free...

...I'll be giving you my full attention.

[KNOCKING ON DOOR]

Rats. Uh--

[WEAKLY]
Come in.

How's my man?

Oh, you know, okay.

For a guy who recently
stared into the jaws of death.

That's why I'm here.
I wanna help with your recovery.

Really? What do you have in mind?
I'm not supposed to exert myself.

Don't worry. You don't have to do a thing.

Just lie back and I'll do all the work.

-Really?
-Mm.

Okay, uh, let me put my cobbler down.

-No, no, no, keep it.
-You sure?

Absolutely.
It would be rude for me to eat alone.

Alrighty, then. Heh.

[BOTH CHUCKLE]

-You got any p*rn on this thing?
-Uh, pfft.

Gee, I don't know. Ha, ha.

Why don't you check?
Shake things up a bit.

Oh, gosh, well, I guess--
I guess I could do that.

Oh, look, there's some now.

How fortuitous.

Just relax and enjoy your cobbler.

Right back at you. Heh.

This is the best day of my entire life.

[KNOCKING ON DOOR]

All right, Mr. Harper.

-Well, I got some good news.
-Let me have it.

I'm banging my receptionist.

I'm sorry, I never get tired of that one. Ha, ha.

That's funny. But, uh, what about me?

No, you don't have a chance with her.

She likes rich guys. Ha-ha-ha.

All right, back to your, uh, heart.

-It's looking good.
-Uh, are you sure?

Tests show you've had no damage.
Your cholesterol looks normal.

It's like the heart att*ck
never even happened.

Oh.

And you're not happy about that?

No, I am. Um, is this confidential,
what we're saying?

Think of me as a priest. Except when
I touch your nuts, it's strictly business.

Okay. Uh-- Uh, here it is. Um--

Ever since the heart att*ck,
my life has actually gotten better.

My girlfriend, my ex-wife, even my mother
have been showering me...

-...with love and attention.
-They were afraid of losing you.

Have you ever had oral sex
and peach cobbler?

At the same time?

Can't say that I have.

I have. And once my girlfriend
finds out I'm healthy...

...I'm back to sucking Life Savers
and humping my pillow.

Well, as your doctor, all I can tell you is
you're perfectly healthy.

-Can I get a second opinion?
-Yes, you're ugly too.

I joke. Uh....

Again, as your doctor,
I have to tell you you're in great shape.

But, uh...

...as a guy who's banging
his receptionist...

...two pharmaceutical reps...

...and, on occasion, his bloated, rich wife,
let me add:

don't be a schmuck.

Lie your ass off.

-Thanks, doc. That's good advice.
-Whoa, ho.

Hmm.

Jeanine, hi.

Uh, listen, could you run down to the deli
and pick up a peach cobbler?

Meet me in Exam Room 2.

How'd it go? Good news?

It's bad, Mom. It's real bad.

Oh, darling, I am so sorry.

Hey, I know what would cheer you up.

So do l.

No, I was thinking
I could take you shopping.

Come on, there must be something I can
get you to turn that frown upside-down.

Well, uh, remember, when I was a kid,
how I always wanted to be a cowboy?

I'm not gonna buy you a horse, Alan.

Of course not. Guess I'll just
have to be a cowboy in heaven.

WALDEN: Are your eyes closed?
-Yep, they're closed.

Open.

You must be kidding me.

It's the safest way for Alan
to get up and down the stairs.

Why does he have to get up
and down the stairs?

So he can use my whirlpool tub.

Oh, dear Lord.

He needs it for his circulation.

-He said he's starting to get bedsores.
-Then you tell him to get out of bed.

You don't build him
his own private escalator.

Howdy, pardner.

Ma'am.

-You look great.
-Just checking it off my bucket list.

-What'd the doctor say?
-It's not good.

I might have to have a transplant.

I'm sorry.

Let's hope somewhere
there's a baboon with a healthy heart...

...riding a motorcycle without a helmet.

Oh, for God's sake.

Excuse me, I'm gonna take a whirlpool
until my masseuse gets here.

You got him a masseuse?

Yeah, it helps prevent blood clots.

My Uncle Fred had a blood clot
in his leg.

When I was little,
he took me to the Santa Monica Pier.

We went on the tilt-a-whirl and the
centrifugal force sh*t the clot into his brain.

It was the worst birthday ever.

He's seen a lot of tragedy, Zoey.

Be nice to him.

Mm.

-Too hard?
-No, dig in. I like it rough.

-I brought your banana smoothie.
ALAN: Oh, thank you, Zoey.

Um, would you mind sticking the straw
in my donut hole?

Oh, I would love to.

ALAN:
Mm.

Tasty. Ha, ha. Ha, ha.

I want you to listen to me very carefully.

You may have everyone else around here
fooled, but I know you're full of crap.

Beg pardon?

What you do with your family
and girlfriend is your business.

But I want you to stop
taking advantage of Walden.

-I don't know what you're talking about.
-You know exactly.

-I'm sorry, I really don't know what you're--
-You've been warned.

Well, thanks for the smoothie, Zoey. Ha, ha.

[CHUCKLES]

That bitch has gotta go.

[SCOFFS]

How about that?
The stars really are just like us.

WALDEN: Alan.
-Oh.

Oh, my. Ha-ha-ha.

Careful, you don't wanna give me
a heart att*ck. Heh.

-We need to talk to you.
-Oh, yeah, sure.

I'll be right back.

-I think I left the tub running, so....
-Stop.

Now get out of that chair
and get down here.

Okay. Ha, ha. The queen has spoken.

My legs are still a little al dente.

So....

What up?

I'll tell you "what up."

I asked one of the private investigators from
my law firm to follow you for a few days.

Really? Uh, which days in particular?

Well, this is from last Monday...

...when you said you were going
for a therapeutic walk on the beach.

[GIRLS CHEERING]

Okay, okay. Yeah, yeah, you know, heh...

[STAMMERS]
...I can see how this looks.

-Hmm.
-Um.

But, you know, actually there is a very....

A very simple, uh, explanation.

Gah!

Okay. Well....

We got cobbler in the kitchen.

[ALL CHATTERING]

91 1?

Anybody?

[UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING ON TELEVISION]

[MUSIC STOPS]

How long do you plan on lying there?

Until the shame passes.

-So a while?
-Oh, yeah.

All right. Well....

-Sleep well.
-Thanks. You too.

[SINGING]
Memories

Like the corners of my mind

Misty water-color memories

Of the way we were