10x06 - Ferrets, att*ck!

[bunniefuu]

Previously on:

Zoey, will you do me the honor
of becoming Zoey Hyde...

Tottingham-Pierce-Schmidt?

No, I'm sorry!
I can't do it!

I need an answer.

There's someone else.

Look, I'm just gonna be
alone for a while.

And if the real thing
comes along, I'll know it.

Excuse me.

Can I have your nuts?

This girl's really interesting.

Actually, I think you know her.
Her name's Rose.

See ya!

She's devious and deceptive!

She's probably listening to us
right now!

Hey, Rose,
how ya doing?!

I told Alan that we met.
Boy, did you call that one.

Let me guess.
At some point did he say,

"She's probably listening to us
right now"?

"Hey, Rose, how ya doing?!"

He is very suspicious of you.

Are you suspicious of me?

More curious than suspicious.

Good.

So, what do you say?
Dinner?

To dinner.

It'll be nice to go out with
someone normal for a change.

Yay!

Yay, indeed.

Ooh, we went a mile
and a half.

What is that,
a pedometer?

Yes, I'm measuring
our sex life,

and as of today, we are
in Laughlin, Nevada.

Well, I believe I did most
of the driving.

Yes. But when you got
a flat,

I stopped and
pumped it up.

Call me crazy-- and the State of
California did for a while--

but these last couple of weeks
have been the best of my life.

They have been great.

With the last mile and a half
being a particular high point.

That's because
you finally stopped

and asked for directions.

Okay, I better get going.

No, no.
Stay the night.

All my stuff is
at my house, silly.

What stuff?

I don't know.
My toothbrush.

You can use mine.

Ugh!

After what we just did,
you're really concerned

with having my toothbrush
in your mouth?

I'm just saying, at some point
I have to go home.

What if you never
had to go home?

Do you mean like you're
gonna tie me up

and keep me bound
and gagged in the closet?

Uh, no. I was thinking more
like you move in with me.

Hmm, that's a little odd.

I mean, come on.
You said so yourself,

the last few weeks
have been fantastic.

We get along great.
Why not?

Why not?

Because I don't want to be
a flavorless cr*cker.

Sure.

What?

Well, you know when you order
a cheese plate

and you get two different
kinds of stinky cheese

and then you eat that little,
bland, unsalted cr*cker

in between to cleanse
your palate?

Not really, but you
explained it pretty well.

Well, I don't want to be
the bland cr*cker.

I want to be
the stinky cheese.

Okay, I think I understand.

You're concerned 'cause
I just got out

of a serious relationship,

and you don't want
to be the girl

that gets me to the next one.

Exactly.

Well, trust me.

You are the stinkiest cheese
I have ever met.

So sweet.

I don't know,
it's moving so quickly.

I mean, who could've seen
this coming?

Now, I know it's moving quick,
but I'm the kind of person

when I see something I want,
I stop at nothing to get it.

Wow, I guess opposites
really do attract.

Just promise me that
you'll think about it.

And you'll think about
tying me up in your closet?

I will.

That seems fair.

You know, if we get
started now, we can make it

to Salt Lake City by daybreak.

Okay, but this time I'm driving.

I can't believe this.

- After everything she's done.
- I know.

How did someone like that
worm their way back in here?

Maybe she learned
from the master.

I'm just worried she's gonna
take advantage of Walden.

You do hear yourself
when you talk, right?

Yes, yes, I'm a mooch,
but I'm not dangerous.

Some night I'm gonna
get drunk and try that.

Here he comes.
Here he comes.

Morning.

Morning.

So, uh, how's everything going
with my, my favorite couple?

Walden and Rose.

Wose.

Ralden.

Look, Alan, I know you're
suspicious of her,

but she really makes me happy.

No, I-I totally get that,
and, you know,

I don't want
to sound judgmental,

but she scares
the living crap out of me.

Well, you're gonna have
to make peace with her

'cause not only do I like Rose,

I asked her to move in with me.

What's so funny?

If you don't know,
it's too late.

Oh, that's my cell.

Could you grab it for me?

It says "Do not answer."

That's Zoey.

It reminds me to stay strong
and not take her calls.

Hello.

Hey, Zoey.

What's going on?

Uh, yeah,
I could do that.

She wants to go for coffee.

Why?
I don't know.

Ask her.

Hey, uh, just so I have
a heads up, is this a...

sad coffee or a happy coffee?

It's a happy coffee.

Great. Can you bring
me back a scone?

Shut up.

Uh, yeah, great,
I'll be there in 20.

Okay.

So what do you think's going on?

I don't know. Uh,

she, she said she wants
to talk in person.

Ooh, be careful-- in my
experience, when an ex wants

to talk in person,
it's either to borrow money

or tell you she gave you crabs.

And no one's ever
asked me for money.

You share too much.

Besides, she said
it was a happy coffee.

Ooh, ooh! Maybe she wants
to have sex with the ex.

That's happened to me.

Be careful, that's how
I got the crabs.

Well, I'm not going
to sleep with her.

I'm with Rose now.
Right.

Oh, are you gonna tell Rose that
you're meeting Zoey for coffee?

Yes, I am not.

Good call.

Hey, how do I look?

Like every screen saver
in San Francisco.

Perfect. Okay.

Hey, what does it say on
your phone when I call?

Uh, it says, "The old guy
who lives downstairs."

Perfect.

Here we go.

Happy coffee.

Thank you.

So, how have you been?

Mmm, good. You?

Good.
Good.

- Are we done lying?
- Mm-hmm.

Okay, so here it is.

Oh, God, this is
very embarrassing.

Crabs?

What?

Nothing. Go on.

So, when you asked me
to marry you...

it scared me.

Why?

I went down that
road before, Walden.

I got lost.

Just wasn't ready to make
that kind of commitment again.

Wait a second.

What about the other guy?

Pe-ter.

I broke up with him.

So sorry.

Oops, apparently
I'm not done lying.

You care to know why
I broke up with Peter?

Because he wasn't
a very good pumpkin eater?

No, I broke up with him
because when I was with him,

all I could think
about was you.

Oh, this is a very happy coffee.

I'd like another chance, Walden.

My coffee is dancing.

So, do you want to try
and make this work?

I do.

But it's a little complicated.

Oh, God, you're seeing
someone, aren't you?

Well...

Is it serious?

Nobody's brought
their toothbrush over.

I'm sorry, I've put you
in a very awkward position.

No, no, it's okay.
I just...

I need a little time
to figure it out.

Of course you do.
I completely understand.

Take all the time you need.

You decided yet?

I'm kidding.

Look, do what you need to do

and let me know
what happens, okay?

- Um...
- Thanks for meeting me.

Yeah, I'm glad you called.

Oh, boy.

Crabs would've been simpler.

You're not gonna believe this.

Zoey realized she made
a huge mistake,

and she wants me back.

Is that crazy or what?

No.

No?

Follow me.
I want to show you something.

Rose?

Oh, hi, sweetie.

I brought my toothbrush.

That's crazy.

So,

you decided to move in.

Yep.

You make me so happy.

Now we never have
to be apart.

Never?

Never, ever.

Now, if you'll excuse me,

I'm going to go upstairs and
make sure the birds are settled.

Great.

Never, ever, ever.

Did she say birds?

Well, I counted four,

but one of them might be dinner
for the ferrets.

Ferrets?

I think they were ferrets.
Might've been weasels.

Either way,

she recommended
we all get rabies sh*ts.

Oh, God,
what have I done?

You asked her to move in.

You invited the vampire
into the house.

In my defense, the vampire
was naked at the time.

- So what are you going to do now?
- I don't know.

I guess I'll just...

man up and tell Rose
I made a mistake.

Ooh, that's a bad idea.

Especially before you
get the rabies sh*t.

You got a better one?

Well, let's see, um,
you could always tell her

that your, your work
is taking you to Europe,

or that you're dying

or that you finally realized
you're gay

and you're sick of fighting
the feelings you have for me.

I'm not gonna lie to her.

Would it be a lie?

Look at us.

We're like Siamese twins

except we don't have
to share any organs,

unless we want to.

Listen,

I need to talk to
you about something.

Sure.

Geez, this is tough.

Just say it.

I want us to be able
to talk about anything.

Okay, here goes.

Um...

I'm in love with Alan.

- What?
- I'm dying.

You're dying?

For work. In Europe.

Walden,

what is going on?

Okay, um...

My old girlfriend called,

and she wants to try again.

How do you feel about that?

I'd be lying if I said
I wasn't thinking about it.

Are you still in love
with her?

Yes, I am.

I'm sorry, Rose.

No.

No, don't be sorry.

Walden, we've only known
each other

for a couple of weeks.

And as wonderful
as it's been,

if you feel that you'd be
happier with Zoey,

I'm not gonna stand
in your way.

Thank you.

How did you know
her name is Zoey?

Zoey's a very popular name
in England.

Wait, how did you
know she's English?

Because her name's
Zoey, silly.

Good-bye, Walden.

Good-bye, Rose.

You know I want you
to be happy, don't you?

I do,

and I want you to be happy, too.

Thank you.

Ferrets, att*ck!

Hey, buddy, how're you doing?

Great.
I got a promotion.

No kidding.

Yep. I'm the dessert chef
in the officer's mess.

Wow.

Yeah, I made
this k*ller crème brûlée

for the enlisted guys
and word got out.

Jake, I am so proud of you.

Yeah, they gave me
my own blow torch.

You know,
to caramelize the sugar.

Check it out.

Uh-oh.

Not again.

Got to go, Dad.

Well,
he's America's problem now.

Hi.

Hello?

Sorry to bother you.

I'm a friend of Walden's.

Oh, really?

Yes, and we need to talk.

About what?

It's complicated.

I'll get it.

- Zoey?
- Who the hell is...

What has happened
to your face?

I was att*cked by ferrets.

Fine, don't tell me.

Who the hell
is that crazy woman

who just showed up at my house
saying she's carrying your baby?

Uh...

I have a guess.

Alan, please.

Do you know anything
about this?

All right, I'm just
gonna level with you.

You moved on, so I was trying
to do the same thing,

but she's not pregnant.

Then, why in the world
would she show up

at my apartment
claiming to be?

Apparently she is crazy.

- Told you.
- Alan!

Shut up!

All right, look,

as soon as you told me that
you wanted to get back together,

I told her she had to move out
because I was in love with you.

And that's the truth.

I love you, Zoey.

Wait, she was living here?

Did you hear the part
where I said I love you?

What happened to "no one's
brought their toothbrush"?

That...

Alan?

You told me to shut up.

God.

Good-bye, Walden.

Zoey, wait, you're
my stinky cheese!

Great.

Aw, I'm sorry, buddy.

But look at the bright side...

I know, I still have you.

For ever and ever and ever.

Hey, why don't we go out?

You know,
maybe-maybe grab a bite?

That might cheer you up.

- I don't want to go out.
- Come on, you have to eat.

You want me to pick something up
for you?

Fine.

Great, great, uh,
oh, so listen, uh...

- Here you go.
- Thanks.

Oh, uh, would you mind
if I take your car?

- Mine's...
- Out of gas.

Sure.

Berta's right.

I am the master.

Oh, boy,

a radio and brakes.

Oh, yeah.

I could get used to this.

Not the face!
Not the face!

I've made a decision.

What's that?

I'm never going to care
about another human being.

Ouch.

- Except you.
- That's better.

I can't believe
I lost Zoey again.

I can't believe I lost
the tip of my pinky to a ferret.

Boo-hoo. I have half a nipple.

All right.

Good night, Alan.

Good night, Walden.

Good night, Rose.

Good night, Alan.