10x22 - My Bodacious Vidalia

T.V. Transcripts for the show "Two and a Half Men". Aired: September 2003 to February 2015.*

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Series was about Charlie Harper, his brother, Alan and his son, Jake. They move into Charlie's beachfront Malibu house and complicate Charlie's freewheeling life after his divorce.
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10x22 - My Bodacious Vidalia

Post by bunniefuu »

Previously
on Two and a Half Men...

You seem awfully quiet tonight.
Is everything okay?

I-I've just got
a lot on my mind.

Well, a problem shared
is a problem halved.

I think we should break up.

Lyndsey's downstairs
breaking up with Alan.

Really?

He's gonna be
devastated.

He was madly in love with her.
They've been dating for years.

They were planning
on getting married.

I-I still love you, Alan.

I'm just not in love
with you anymore.

Hey, Zip.

Just want to be left alone.

Lyndsey's crazy
for breaking up with you.

You are a great guy.

Thank you.

You'll find somebody else.

As good as Lyndsey?

Look at you.

Already making jokes.

Hey. What you doing?

Oh, just taking a stroll
down memory lane.

It's a photo book
that Lyndsey gave me.

Oh. Here we are
at the Santa Monica Pier.

"Oh, Alan,
I'm having such a great time.

"I know it looks like
I'm eating cotton candy,

"but really I'm just waiting
for someone better to come along

so I can dump your sorry ass."

That dude in the Speedo
totally photo-bombed you.

Bet she was sleeping
with him, too.

And look at the guy
with the churros.

What's he smiling about?

Okay, you know what? You
can't live in the past.

You also can't
live in this robe.

It's like the sacred
shroud of urine.

What happened?
Lyndsey and I were supposed

to take care of each other
for the rest of our lives.

She'd

blend my steak
so I didn't have to gum it.

I'd change the tennis balls
on the bottom of her walker.

We'd keep track
of each other's moles.

It's a romantic picture.

Glad you think so.

'Cause now
that's just gonna be you and me.

It's not gonna be you and me

because A)... no.

And B) you're gonna find
somebody new.

You just have to have
a positive attitude.

If you say you
can't, you're right.

If you say you
can, you might.

Do that again.

Ow!

Ow!
Now, suck it up!

Ow!
You're gonna find somebody new!

I can't.

Why not?
Look at me!

What?

Look at me. When I met Lyndsey,
I was a solid six.

Now I'm a soft four at best.

Really? You thought
you were a six?

Well, maybe not a Malibu six,
but a Wal-Mart six.

And it didn't matter.
I was in love.

No one takes care of themselves
when they're in love.

When you know you can have sex
in a sweatshirt,

you stop doing sit-ups.

Well, then,
do something about it.

Get yourself back in shape,
get some new clothes,

get a haircut,
get your own place.

Anything to get
your confidence back.

Look, I appreciate the pep talk,
but I've lost all hope.

Well, I can't give you hope,

but I-I can give you
my American Express Black Card.

Hope's for losers.

♪ Men, men, men, men, manly men,
men, men ♪

♪ Men, men, men, manly men, men, men ♪
♪ Ooh

♪ Men, men, men, men, manly men ♪
♪ Ooh

♪ Ooh-ooh-ooh,
ooh-ooh, ooh-ooh..♪

♪ Men, men, men, men, manly men,
men, men ♪

♪ Ooh
♪ Men, men, men, manly men, men, men ♪

♪ Ah.
♪ Men.

Oh, hey, Walden.

Hey, Jake, what's going on?

I was just calling my dad back.

He left me a voice mail.

At least, I think it was him.

It was just, like, two minutes
of someone sobbing

and then throwing up.

Yeah, that was him.

How often does he cry?

It'd be quicker to tell you
how often he doesn't.

He's gonna be okay, right?

Yeah, he actually got dressed
today and left the house.

And-and-and he even
put on deodorant.

Well, I-I actually
put it on him, but he let me,

so... that's progress.

I'm so glad
that you're there for my dad.

You're like the son
he never had.

Right.

Okay, so I'm gonna get going.

Yeah, yeah, me, too.
I got to go run some black ops

and test some ballistic weapons.

Really? That...
that sounds awesome.

No, I'm just messing with you.

I'm gonna go get high and make,
like, 800 cupcakes.

Sleep well, America.

Ta-da!

Wow!

Wow!

You look...

Look at you.

This is your vision, my friend.

Oh, no, I could not
envision this.

You were right. It's time for me
to get back to living life.

Uh, check out my sweet onion.

My bodacious Vidalia.

Wow. How did you pack
all of you in there?

Ah, well, uh, I guess
I would have to say, it's...

Spanx to these.

Is that a girdle?

Oh, no. Uh, it's a-a male sport
control top.

It's for athletes.

Athletes with man boobs.

Not anymore.

Uh, Heather, the salesgirl,
said I look like a "DILD."

Oh?

It stands for,
"dad I'd like to do."

Okay. Uh, let's-let's talk
about that hair.

Walk me through that.

Oh, uh, a-a young man named Juan
did this to me.

Um, uh,
he does Justin Bieber's hair.

Oh, wow, that's lucky.

I-I know. Can't believe
Justin Bieber goes to Supercuts.

Um...

Driving home, you can't imagine

how many people
were checking me out.

Oh, I can imagine.

What do you say we go someplace
and try out my new look?

I want to get my groove on
with the hip, funky people.

Okay, yeah, I'll see if I can
fire up the time machine,

and we'll head back to 1974.

I'll, uh...
I'll put my stuff away.

Uh, Alan?

Yeah?

My credit card?

Oh, uh, right.

Release.

I'm trying.

Wow.

I'm seeing your hairdo
everywhere I look.

Best ten bucks I ever spent.

I wish I had my deck of cards.

Your deck of cards?

Oh, yeah. Close-up magic
is a great icebreaker

with the ladies.

What is wrong with you?

What is wrong with you

that you have a
quarter in your ear?

Give me that.

Come on.
You're a charming guy.

Just be yourself,
stick to your strengths.

I-I'm sorry. I-I can't hear you.

I have a quarter in my ear.

Will you stop that?

What about her?
Go buy her a drink.

She's a little out of
my league, isn't she?

You're not even playing
in the same sport.

Just go say hi.

Okay, here goes.

Uh, hi. Can I buy you a drink?

Uh, no, thanks.
I already have one.

Uh, can I reimburse you
for that one?

Excuse me?

Well, I would have happily
bought you a drink

if I had arrived
a few moments earlier.

Tell you what. Let me just
give you some cash.

You're kidding, right?

Uh, here's a ten.
Do you have change?

What is wrong with you?

Well, I'm not gonna tip you.

That was weird.

Yeah, she's the weird one.

Maybe we should just go home.

You're just a little rusty.

Let me help you out.

Hi.

Well, hello.

Yeah, before we go any
further, I should warn you

that I suffered from a
horrific industrial accident

down there.

Oh, no.

Oh, yes.

Here. Say hi to
my friend Alan.

How bad was the accident?

Say hi.

Uh, hi. Uh, I'm Alan.

I'm a back doctor,

but that doesn't mean
I can't check out your front.

Oh, my God.

That is hilarious!

You're so funny.

Oh, my God.

Um, I have a question for you.

Yeah?

How did you get this

quarter in
your ear?

How did you do that?

Pull something else out of me!

I like her.

Oh, my God!

Excuse me. How did you get
this quarter in your ear?

Wow.

This is quite a place.

Thank you.

Looks like
Elton John went on safari.

Oh, uh, nice eagle.

It's, uh, very realistic.

I want
to feed it a bronze mouse.

I can't believe
you live here all by yours...

Sabado Gigante.

You like?

Oh, yeah.

The hair on my head isn't
the only thing standing up.

Well, now it's your turn.

Can't wait to get my hands
on that tight, little body.

Oh, uh, you know what? Uh,
can I go freshen up a little?

Down the hall to the left.

Okay.

I'll be waiting.

Ee-ee, ee-ee!

Come on.

You've got to be kidding me.

No.

Really?

Hurry up or she's gonna think
you're pooping.

♪ Men. ♪

Hello?

Hello?
In here.

Oh, boy, oh, boy, oh, boy.

Oh, boy.

Um...

um, hi.

Oh, sorry. I just...

got to take care
of something here.

Did you gain weight?

Oh. No, uh,
this is water weight.

Uh, too much salt.

So, uh, who-who is this?
Your grandpa?

No, he's my husband.

Your-your husband?

Oh, don't worry. He doesn't
even know we're here.

Well, maybe not, but I am
not the kind of man who...

...can pass up
an opportunity like this.

Hold on.


You have a lovely home.

♪ Men. ♪

Morning.

Oh, Zippy, like it wasn't
easy enough before.

I wouldn't expect you to
understand European chic.

Looks more like you're
a-peein' on a power line.

Nice.

Hey. Tell me
about that girl last night.

Uh, well, she's a vegetarian.
Yeah.

And her husband's a vegetable.

What?

She's married,

and-and the guy's, like,
900 years old.

You're kidding.

She hot?

Yeah.

He rich?

Mm-hmm.

Checks out.

So, how old is this guy?

Uh, well,
let me put it this way.

He was one of the original
investors in apple.

The fruit.

Well, I'm sorry
it didn't work out, man.

No, it worked out.

You didn't.

What do you want from me?

He was in a coma
and she was in a teddy.

Alan, you surprise me. I thought

you had more integrity
than that.

Where in the hell have you been?

♪ Men. ♪

You know what? You know what?
Can we just stop for a second?

What's wrong?

You don't know me
well, but...

I happen to be a man
of great integrity,

and it's hard
for me to do this

knowing your husband
is right next door.

You want me to put him in
a cab for a couple hours?

I-I don't think
that's gonna help.

Look, I know I'm
technically taken.

But you have
to understand,

Victor was 80
when I married him.

And now, 12 years
later, he's still alive

and we're both using machines
to get us through the night.

Well, how did you two
even meet?

I was on a pole, he
was in a wheelchair.

Our eyes met, and when
I turned right side up,

I knew he was the one.

That's-that's very...
romantic.

I can't expect you to
understand what it's like

to rely on someone to put
a roof over your head

and provide you with the
luxurious life you deserve.

Oh, my God,
we're soul mates.

Oh, I got it.

It's for me.

Surprise!

Y-You brought your husband?

It's our anniversary.

It didn't seem right
to leave him alone.

Uh, well...

this doesn't seem better.

Uh, but come on in.

Um, uh, Meghan,
you remember Walden.

Walden, this is
Meghan's husband Victor.

It's their anniversary.

Hi, Victor.
It's nice to meet you.

Yeah, this is normal.

Can you give me a hand?

I'm just gonna wheel him
on to the deck.

Oh,

uh, sure.
No problem.

Oh,

look, Victor! The ocean!

You remember it from when
you discovered America.

That's a... that's a good one,
but technically Columbus

didn't actually...
Shut up.

Right. Do you...

do you think we should
get them a cake?

Are you... Look at him.
He is a cake.

Right, right. Pl-Plus,
we don't want to get him

all hopped up
on sugar.

Come here.

There are a billion women
in this world. Why this one?

I don't know. She's like
a-a powerful sex magnet,

and I'm like a...
sex refrigerator.

What does that even mean?

I have no idea
what it means. I just...

I-I need you to babysit
her decomposing husband

while I plow his wife.

It's their anniversary.

Oh, come on.

G...

Looks like you...
found a new friend, Vic.

Can I call you Vic?

I'm gonna call you Vic.

Is this what I have
to look forward to, Vic?

You live your life,
you try to be a good person,

you work hard
to achieve your goals,

only to end up a prisoner
to your own body

while the love of your life
is in the next room

doing the splits for some idiot
she met in a bar.

I mean, if this is it,
just k*ll me now.

Vic?

Vic?!

Aw, come on!

Alan!

Bad time, Walden!

It's even worse out
here! Open the door!

What could be so important?

I'm pretty sure that your
girlfriend's husband is dead.

Whoa, whoa, whoa. Slow down.

She's not my girlfriend.

No, no, no. He can't die here.

I think he already did.

No, you don't understand.
He can't die here.

I have an infidelity clause
in my prenup.

If his greedy 70-year-old kids
find out that I was here,

they'll take all my money.

Are you kidding?
Your money?

Well, in all fairness, she did
earn it the old-fashioned way.

Well, thank you, Alan.

Show a little respect.

Now stuff him in the car
while I go find my panties.

Look at what you did.

You got my girlfriend upset.

I thought she wasn't
your girlfriend.

She's gonna inherit
millions of dollars.

She's my girlfriend.

Okay,

when we get there,
we'll put him in his bed,

you guys leave
and I'll call 911.

Don't worry, sweetheart,
after the funeral

we'll go someplace warm and
beautiful where we can heal.

And tan.

And swim with the dolphins.
Ee-ee, ee-ee!

You two dreamers
do realize

that what we're doing
right now is a felony.

I-I realize
and I owe you one.

One? Seriously? One?

I want ice cream!

♪ Men. ♪

I can't believe you found
a quarter down there.

And if you look closely,
George is smiling.

Why don't I get us
some champagne?

Oh, yes.

Champagne makes me do
crazy things.

Well, that's good 'cause...
crazy... thing.

Nice job in there.

You saw?

I like to watch. Shh.

♪ Men. ♪
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