02x13 - Halloweenvark: Part Boo!

[bunniefuu]

- Hey, guys. I'm Paige.
- I'm Frankie.

And we're Bizaardvark.

Have you ever had a dream
so real and so scary,

you're like, "Am I dreaming?
Am I awake?"

I usually have these
dreams where my teeth

are falling out, but
they're not my teeth.

They're mini versions of me,
but their teeth are falling out.

- I would see someone about that.
- Don't you think I've tried?

Here's our latest video,
"The Night Dream."

♪ I think I had a nightmare ♪

♪ My hands were made of cheese ♪

♪ I grew another kneecap
on my leg each time I sneezed ♪

♪ My feet were baked potatoes ♪

♪ My arms were candy canes ♪

♪ I had this weird sensation
I had hot sauce in my veins ♪

♪ Wait a minute Is this for real? ♪

♪ Here comes my dad, he looks normal ♪

♪ Oh my gosh, he has my journal! ♪

♪ Dream or
nightmare, nightmare or dream ♪

♪ So disorienting,
Who knows what they mean? ♪

♪ Dream or nightmare,
nightmare or dream ♪

♪ In one we slumber, in one we scream ♪

♪ Once I had this crazy dream
I was a huge rock star ♪

♪ My biggest psycho fan was
trapped inside of my guitar ♪

♪ It was a little monster who
kept banging on a drum ♪

♪ The worst part was it tried to
bite my hand each time I strummed ♪

♪ Wait a minute ♪

♪ How could all of this be true? ♪

♪ There goes my dog
doing something very bad ♪

♪ Oh my gosh, he's walking my dad ♪

♪ Dream or
nightmare, nightmare or dream ♪

♪ So disorienting,
who knows what they mean? ♪

♪ Dream or nightmare
nightmare or dream ♪

♪ In one we slumber, in one we scream ♪

♪ You could spend all day ♪

♪ On a swing eating a baguette ♪

♪ But why do boring things like that ♪

♪ When there's the Internet? ♪

♪ Let's go make some videos ♪

♪ Hey! Hey! ♪

- ♪ Let's go make some videos ♪
- ♪ Hey! ♪

♪ You could watch Dirk
doing crazy dares ♪

- ♪ Saying, "Here we go" ♪
- Here we go!

♪ He'll do anything you want ♪

♪ Just don't try this at home ♪

♪ Or watch Amelia teaching ya ♪

♪ How to look your best ♪

♪ Making over people is
her never-ending quest ♪

♪ You could watch... ♪

Do you have constant foot odor?

♪ You could watch us make
ridiculously funny videos ♪

♪ Like the one with evil pop-up books ♪

♪ That punch you in the nose ♪

♪ Let's go make some videos ♪

♪ Hey! Hey! ♪

♪ Let's go make some videos ♪

And I... I missed it.

All right, Amelia, there is
no way you're walking out

of Halloween movie night
without being scared.

Puh-lease! Nothin' scares me.

I grew up on a farm
in the middle of the woods.

I've seen things.

I grew up in the suburbs of Tarzana.

I've seen nothing.

My scary movie pick
is Mutant k*ller Clowns 5

Wow, that sounds super scary.

What's scarier is how underdeveloped

its female characters are.

It really shines a light on how
women have a long way to go

in the fight for equal rights.

Oh, right. You and Paige
had lunch yesterday.

Let's just get movie night started.

Allow me to set up
the projection system.

I'm kinda the tech whiz around here.

Bernie!

Well, what did you think would happen?

All right, looks like
I'm not gettin' scared tonight.

Hey, wait! Just 'cause the
power went out doesn't mean

we can't scare you with scary stories.

Have you heard the terrifying tale of...

Doll-o-ween?

It was Bizaardvark's fourth anniversary,

and Bernie Schotz wanted to buy
his friends a thoughtful gift.

Hey, what happened to the day-old
donut shop that used to be here?

Oh my gosh!

You're hot.

How'd you like to go out sometime?

Don't make me use the broom!

Yeah, a lot of ladies get
swept up by these good looks.

Welcome to Witch Amelia's
Dark Arts Emporium.

What are you searching for?
Lotions, potions, curses, purses?

We also sell things that don't rhyme.

I'm looking for a gift for my friends.

They look like this.

You're in luck.

We have two dolls that look
exactly like your friends.

Ten dollars! Madame, you
are a witch, and a crook!

Hey, what about those
equally-as-cute dolls

that say 99 percent off?

Uh, I wouldn't buy those.

They're what we in the business
call... "very haunted."

Sorry, I was waiting for that
evil, ominous lightning to pass.

I'll take 'em!

That night, Paige and
Frankie unwrapped the dolls

and played with them for hours.

I'm bored. Let's go to sleep.

- What was that?
- I don't know.

Maybe I could've seen it if I
wasn't sleeping on the floor!

Look! The dolls are gone!

Frankie, I'm scared.

Sorry. Really gotta change my ringtone.

- What do you want, Bernie?
- Hey, hey!

Forgot to mention the super hot
witch I'm dating told me the dolls

might be very haunted and will
probably try to hurt you.

Just wanted to let you know.
Well, good night!

Aah!

- att*ck!
- Destroy!

- Aw. They talk.
- Paige, run!

Dirk! There are two dolls with knives
on the loose that look like us!

Yeah, I know. They're k*lling.

What? Who?

No, comedically!

Have you seen their latest music video?

♪ Knives and rope, knives and rope ♪

♪ And that's what's funny
'bout knives and rope ♪

I mean, you gotta watch
the whole video for context,

but it really sums up the uses of
knives and rope in a very funny way.

♪ Somethin' with farts,
somethin' with farts... ♪

Eh, I'll figure out the rest later.

- Huh.
- No way!

We didn't know you were comedians.

We thought you were trying to k*ll us.

No, we don't wanna k*ll you.

We wanna k*ll your channel!

k*ll our channel?

Yep, we already put up 200 videos
and have eight million subscribers.

Your days are done, Bizaardvark.

Aw. They have a tiny little camera.

Paige!

And stay out of your house!
It's ours now!

Paige and Frankie
knew there was only one way

to save Bizaardvark: destroy the dolls.

Hey! Let's promise each other
that, no matter how big we get,

we never forget where we came from.

The bowels of the underworld!

Huh?

Ha-ha-ha!

Aah!

Dude, enough with the sound effects!

- Aah! No!
- No!

Aah! No!

What are you gonna do? Rip off my limbs?

Throw me in the fireplace?

No, I'm gonna t*rture you with the one

thing I know real Frankie can't handle.

Feelings!

So how do you feel about school?
Are you fitting in?

Stop it!

How do you feel about your teen years?
Lots of emotions?

You're a monster!

I just want you to know
that no matter what,

I love you.

Aw. It even explodes cute.

What are you gonna do with me?

Take me out using some deep
understanding of Paige's personality?

Yeah. I know she hates meat grinders.

No! No, no, no!

I mean, you're not wrong.

Defeating the dolls
made the girls hungry,

so they celebrated
by making doll burgers.

What, Bernie?

Hey, I know this'll never come up,

but don't eat the dolls!

It's one of the haunted rules,
something about transforming

into something horrible
for the rest of time.

Toodles!

That doll story wasn't very scary.

Although, I did really like
the "Knives and Rope" song.

Do you think those dolls
are funnier than us?

Paige, we made that story up
and came up with all the jokes.

Good news! We're all safe!

I caught this dragon
wandering around outside!

Viking Guy, it's Halloween.

That's a kid in a dragon costume.

It's your lucky day, dragon.

Sorry, ma'am, he doesn't get...

things.

I hate Halloween!

People walking around in silly costumes,

pretending to be something they're not!

What a bunch of delusional idiots!

So... we're telling scary stories.

Ooh-hoo! I'm in!

Don't get your hopes up.
Nothing's scared me yet.

Oh, yeah? Well, then get ready

for this gruesome tale
of horror: Dirkula.

Whoa.

What is this place?

It's my go-to dark arts store.

Let me do the talking.
The owner loves me.

Hey, hey!

Ugh. What do you want?

We usually flirt like this
for a couple minutes,

then talk business.

So, your hat looks
pointier than last time.

Well, that's new.

I've been dared to spend Halloween
night alone in my studio,

but I don't have a bed to sleep on.

Why don't you just not do the dare?

That's not how my life works.

Well, our bedding section is

the one department that isn't haunted.

We have hammocks, futons...

That coffin bed says 99 percent off.

Again, you're really
not gonna want that.

I'm pretty sure it's cursed,

because the last owner was a vampire.

"Pretty sure," you say?

All right, Dareheads, I'm ready
to spend the whole night alone

in my studio, in my sweet new bed!

Aw. A Halloween butterfly!

Dare completed.

Man, I'm hungry.

I could go for some blood sausage.

Or a blood orange.

Or blood blood!

Or a panini.

With a side of blood!

What up, everybody?

Dirk?

Are you okay?

What did you do last night?

The usu.... checked some e-mails,

slept in a cursed coffin,

dreamt I was battling
an army of mutant wolves,

then I woke up, ate two entire
rats, and now I'm here.

Yes, that does sound like the usu.

No! I think he might've
transformed into a vampire.

What are you talking about?

Yeah, take a look in the mirror.

I guess I look a little invisible.

But we all have those mornings, right?

Dirk, old friend. Come here.

Tickle-tickle-tickle-tickle!

Wah-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha!

Whoa. Maybe I am a vampire.

Whatever's happening here, let's
not blame it on the coffin,

that was a great deal.

I just hope this doesn't
change anything between us.

Definitely not. We're friends for life.

Wanna have lunch with us?
We're eatin' pizza.

- Yum!
- And garlic knots!

- Hmm.
- What?

Guys, bad news.

I think Dirk's a vampire.

It was clear being a vampire
was going to keep Dirkula

away from his friends.

Hey, guys! The sun's out!

Let's go enjoy it
'cause we're humans and we can!

- Yeah! All right!
- Ha-ha-ha!

Afraid he'd lose his friends forever,

Dirkula came up with a plan
to turn them all into vampires.

Thanks for invitin' us to a party.

Sure. Can I offer you a warm neck wipe?

A neck wipe?

It's a perfectly normal thing
to have at a party.

Hey, let's do some neck stretches, yeah?

To the right!

Everybody try it.

I'll turn off the lights
so you can't see me.

Uh, Dirk, stop.

It's obvious what's going on here.

You want me to DJ.

No! He wants to bite us in the neck

and turn us into vampires.

Well, that's a relief.
I forgot my DJ equipment.

Dude! I can't believe
you tried to trick us,

with a party, and free food and...

Ooh, is this funnel cake?

Not cool.

Sorry, guys.

I thought if we were all
vampires, we could hang again.

Maybe I came on too strong.

Why don't you watch
this presentation instead?

So, you're thinking about entering

the fast-paced world of the undead.

Good choice.

Being a vampire means no curfew...

Ooh!

...capes in any color you want...

Ooh!

...and teeth sharp enough to
pierce the skin of a moose.

I have always wanted to bite a moose.

So, if you like exciting nights,

living forever, and basketball...

Yep, we're good at that, too...

then why not give
the vampire lifestyle a try?

Nights may or may not be exciting.

Dirk, I think I speak
for everyone when I say,

being a vampire sounds awesome!

We're in!

Really? Sweet!

Hi, there. I'm Page
Olvera from Bizaardvark.

And I'm Frankie Wong.

I know we're having a lot of fun,

but there is a serious issue
we need to discuss:

vampire peer pressure.

It's a thing, and it's real.

It can be tempting to think,
"I'll live forever.

Hey! I can fly now."

We get it, that stuff is cool.

But it's okay to say no.

Or more realistically...

No!

So, the next time you find
yourself in a haunted castle,

just remember,
vampires could be anywhere.

They could even be your best friend.

Wait. What?

We'll be right bat!

All right, I have heard
two of your stories,

and I haven't been scared one bit.

Well, that's 'cause
you haven't heard my story.

The terrifying tale of...

I'm bored.

The terrifying tale of...

Bernwolf!

Hey, hey!

Did someone order
their favorite customer?

Don't make me push the security
buzzer under the counter.

Man, will we or won't we?

So, I've been looking for something
to help me stand out more in school,

- maybe like a cologne or a body spray...
- Let me save you the time.

Cursed Cologne. It's 99 percent off.

Just take it and never come back!

So I'll call you.

Aah! Fireball!

The next day, Bernie decided
to test out his new cologne.

Finally! Puberty!

It's about time!

I am Bernwolf!

Wait. Doesn't it need to be a full moon

to turn into a werewolf?

Yeah. There was a full moon outside.

During the daytime?

Yes. It was Moon Day.

Trust me, it's a thing.

Finally, people will notice me,

and I'll be the most
popular kid in school!

Ah-ooo!

The end.

How was that a scary story?

There was a howl at the end.

Did... Did you not hear the howl?

Oh, I thought that was a mouse dying.

Or like... like a tiny door closing?

Yeah, I was waiting
for something to happen...

but then nothing happened.

That's because you haven't heard...

the ending where something happens!

So Bernwolf was there in school
when in walked his arch nemesis.

Stop right there, Bernwolf.

Bank Robber, what are you doing here?

And I know the answer
is not that I can't

come up with my own original characters,

and I have to steal from
what's right in front of me.

Whoa! Stuff is happening!

This school isn't big enough
for two bank robbers.

But you're not a bank robber.

Oh, right.

Let me guess.

He spins around and has a
mask and a bag of money.

Ooh, I was gonna say "The end."
That's good.

Now we're both bank robbers!

- Let's fight.
- I don't really wanna...

The bank robber totally wanted to fight.

First, they engaged in kung fu.

Hiyah! Hiyah! Hiyah!

Then, old-timey boxing stuff.

- Yeah, come on, put 'em up.
- You think you can do this to me?

I'm a big guy.

Then, they did the Robot.

- Seriously?
- They did... the Robot!

Then, Bernwolf won.

- Do I lay down now?
- Yes, please.

Victory!

Ah-ooo!

And that's how Bernie saved Arbor Day.

Bernie, we're telling Halloween stories.

Oh, sh**t.

Uh... Well, don't worry.

I have a super Halloween ending,
with a witch and everything.

Hi, Bernwolf.

That was impressive and manly.

Let's get married and tell
this story to our kids!

Now that's the scariest story
I've ever heard in my life.