02x22 - Her, Me, and Hermie

Episode transcripts for the TV show "Bizaardvark". Aired June 24, 2016 - April 2019.*
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"Bizaardvark" follows two 12 year-old best friends, who post funny songs and comedic videos about their everyday lives on the Internet.
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02x22 - Her, Me, and Hermie

Post by bunniefuu »

Hey, guys! Paige and Frankie here

with Bernie and Amelia.

Today, we are engaging

in the most extreme sport
ever invented...

Riding tricycles!

This is the Vuuugle Grand Prix!

We gotta go fast!

Y... Yeah, seriously, guys,
we gotta go really fast.

We didn't get permission to do this.

- Oh! So...
- Okay, sh**t.

First round, Frankie versus Bernie.

Go!

Go! Go! Go!

Go! Go! Go!

Champion!

Round two, we have got

Paige versus Amelia.

Go!

Yeah! Yeah!

Come on! Go, go, go, go! Go, go, go!

Paige! Paige!

Wait, hold up. Can we see the tape?

So I did break the wall of bricks,

but I didn't cross the finish line,

so, you're the winner!

Woo-hoo!

Final round. It's Frankie versus Amelia.

And just for fun, we've added
some bowling pins

at the end of the track.

Go, go, go!

- Go!
- Yes!

Go! You got this! You got this!

Kick it!

Amelia won!

- Woo! Nice job.
- Yay!

- Thank you!
- All right, guys. We... We really gotta

- start cleaning up...
- Okay.

- Oh, sh**t. Okay.
- All right, just, go!

No way, you stay and help.

You stay and help!

♪ You could spend all day ♪

♪ On a swing eating a baguette ♪

♪ But why do boring things like that ♪

♪ When there's the Internet? ♪

♪ Let's go make some videos ♪

♪ Hey! Hey! ♪

- ♪ Let's go make some videos ♪
- ♪ Hey! ♪

♪ You could watch Dirk
doing crazy dares ♪

- ♪ Saying, "Here we go" ♪
- Here we go!

♪ He'll do anything you want ♪

♪ Just don't try this at home ♪

♪ Or watch Amelia teaching ya ♪

♪ How to look your best ♪

♪ Making over people is
her never-ending quest ♪

♪ You could watch... ♪

Do you have constant foot odor?

♪ You could watch us make
ridiculously funny videos ♪

♪ Like the one with evil pop-up books ♪

♪ That punch you in the nose ♪

♪ Let's go make some videos ♪

♪ Hey! Hey! ♪

♪ Let's go make some videos ♪

And I... I missed it.

Remember, the banner is full of pyro.

I'll introduce Bizaardvark's
100th video,

and the banner will explode.

We only get one chance at this,
so we cannot mess it up.

- You ready?
- So ready.

Okay.

Hey, guys, big news!

We're here to celebrate Bizaardvark's...

100th video!

Wooo! Wooo!

Wooo!

- Hang on!
- What... Wooo!

You... What...? Paige!

That's $400 worth of pyro!
This better be important!

Hermie seemed sad.

Paige! It's a hermit crab.

They shun people and lack emotion.

Wait... am I a hermit crab?

Frankie, come on,
Horse Face Guy trusted me

to take care of Hermie
while he's in Fresno

getting his real estate license.

Oh, good for him, he's finally doing it.

Oh, no, he's barely eaten,
and his energy seems really low.

I think something's wrong.
We need to go get him help.

Oh, uh, uh, how... how about the
Vuuugle channel with the veterinarian?

The Animal Chanimal?

Yeah, I knew the name. I just
like hearing people say it.

Yvette, is Hermie gonna be okay?

Hold up. You're a vet,
and your name is Yvette?

Let me speed this up.

Yes. My name is Yvette and I'm a vet.

No, I've never fought in a w*r,

so I'm not Yvette
the vet who's also a vet.

But I have a PhD. and a
half a million subscribers.

Now can I please finish
examining this crab?

You're Yvette the vet.

Ooh... Paige.

You were right. Something
was wrong with Hermie.

He had a splinter in his claw.

Aw, man, I told him
not to play in the wood chips,

but you know hermit crabs,
they do what they want.

Hey, great call bringing him in.

Have you ever thought
about becoming a veterinarian?

You clearly have the instinct for it.

Actually, I have.

You have?

Yeah. I mean, you know
how much I love animals.

Being a vet could be
the perfect career for me.

But what about our three-step
plan for the future?

Uh, Bizaardvark goes on a world tour,

we get super-rich,
then we swim in our pools

full o' hundo dollah bills, yo!

Frankie, you know nobody loves
swimming in hundo dollah bills yo

more than me.

But... who knows
what'll happen in the future?

Maybe being a vet is my calling.

If Paige becomes a vet, then
what happens to Bizaardvark?

Hey, guys, I'm Frankie,

and... there's no Paige.

So, there's no Bizaardvark.

♪ Let's not make some videos ♪

Sad! Sad.

♪ Hey, hey! ♪

Thank you again, Mr.
Cunningham, for choosin' me

to do the school's
mornin' announcements.

Amelia, as faculty liaison
to the A.V. Club,

I know talent when I see it.

And you, are the only one
that showed up.

I'm excited to
be the face of Sierra High,

deliverin' the hard-hittin' news

our students deserve.
Ooh... What's our first story?

Uh, the lunch lady found a baked
potato shaped like a hedgehog.

Let's tell the world!

Good mornin', Sierra High.

I'm Amelia Duckworth,

and these are your
mornin' announcements.

Shockin' news outta the cafeteria...

Only one camera.

Shockin' news outta the cafeteria.

What started out as an
innocent baked potato

turned into a baked potay-no.

The starch in question...

Oh, finally a room where I can fart alo...

Lone. Fart alone.

What's happening?

Bernie, I'm doin'
the mornin' announcements.

Whoa, is this camera on?

Sierra High, I will eat you!

Nom! Nom! Nom! Nom! Nom!

Uh, well, we're gonna
take a little break... cut!

Young man, I don't know
who you think you are...

- Thank you.
- but I think you're a comedic genius!

- He is?
- I is?

Starting tomorrow, you and Amelia
are gonna co-anchor this show.

What do you say?

A lot of things I immediately
regret I wish you were my dad.

Yeah... Save it for the air, kid.

Yeah.

What the heck just happened?

Hey, Dr. Yvette, have you seen Paige?

Oh! Paige, it's you.

And you're holdin' a pig.

And you spun around like a
villain for some reason, heh.

Dr. Yvette said I could start
volunteering with her.

I'm taking care of this little guy
for the day. Do you wanna pet him?

Aww. Aww?

Aww! Aww...

Heh... see? I got there.

So, you ready to finish our video?

Oh, sorry, I can't.

Gotta stay with this guy.

Plus, I'm lookin' after Hermie,
so, got a lot on my plate.

Oh. Okay, well, uh, what about tomorrow?

Tomorrow, I'm watching Dr. Yvette
perform surgery on a muskrat.

She says I'll probably
only pass out the first time.

It's gonna be great!

Oh, well, um... maybe
we can make a video

when you're not doing vet stuff.

Oh my gosh, did you see that?

Piggy just blinked! Do it again, Piggy!

Do it again! Do it again.

I can blink.

Amelia? Can I talk to you?

Sure.

Paige is getting really serious
about being a vet,

and it's like she doesn't have
time for Bizaardvark anymore.

Oh, honey, I can relate.

See, I joined the mornin' announcements

to get attention at school.

But now Bernie's doin' it, too,
so I'm gonna get, like...

50 percent less attention at school!

Oh, I... I don't think you understand.

Paige and I always talked
about making videos forever.

But if she becomes a vet and doesn't
wanna do Bizaardvark anymore,

I'm afraid I'm gonna
lose my best friend.

No, no, I totally understand.

At first, my face took up
the entire screen.

But now, my face is gonna take up, like,

50 percent less of the screen!

Amelia, nothing you're saying even
remotely relates to what I'm saying.

Oh... W...

Well, I was gonna tell you
the story about my best friend Sage,

who I used to sh**t makeup videos with,

but then she decided
she wanted to become a doctor,

which gave me a lot of fear about the
future of us bein' best friends.

No, but it didn't really seem
like it applied here.

No, that definitely applies.
That's exactly my story.

So, are... are you guys
still best friends?

Oh, no, we never saw each other again.

And I think about it every day.

That's terrible.
I don't wanna lose Paige.

I have to convince her
not to become a vet.

I have the same problem!

See, there's these
mornin' announcements, right?

And I have to...

Hey, guys, we're here to do the...

No. Um,

I emailed you,
we couldn't get 100 sharks.

Or, um, one shark.

So...

Does anybody have any weird
special skills they can do?

- Oh, yeah!
- Yeah!

- Me, I do!
- Oh, cool, okay, let's do that.

Oh. Mine was raising my hand.

I'm gonna do a jump.

Spinny jump. It's called an axle.

- Okay.
- Okay.

Ooh.

Ooh!

Ohh!

So my special skill

is playin' a recorder
through the side of my nose.

- Woo!
- Wow!

Woo!

I can put my lips to my nose, like this.

- What?
- Wait.

Are you doing it?

- You can't use your fingers!
- You can't...

I can read minds.

- Okay? Watch this.
- Oh, okay, okay.

- Think of any number between one and 20,
- I know this trick.

and say it kinda slowly,
and I will say the same number.

We can do it five times, ready?

Fifteen.

What?

- Twen...
- Twelve.

♪ Hey, Hey ♪

Okay, Hermie. I need Paige
to think she lost you,

so she'll stop wanting to be a vet.

I'm sorry. I just can't
lose my best friend.

I don't know if I'm talking
to your face or your butt.

Paige! Paige, come quick,

it's Hermie!

Oh, no... No, no, no,
how did this happen?

I don't know, the cage was
like this when I came in.

I must've put it on
the edge and it tipped over.

Oh, this is bad, um... Uh, I'll look
in the lounge, you look in here.

Okay, I'm on it.

Wait, heh... why am I looking?
He's in my backpack.

I looked everywhere. Hermie's gone.

Horse Face Guy
trusted me and I let him down.

How can I be a vet if people can't
trust me with their animals?

Maybe I shouldn't be a vet.

What? Gosh darn it, no!

I hate it when dreams die.

This really ruins my day as well!

But, you gotta trust your gut.

Bernie, doin' these
mornin' announcements

really means a lot to me.
Just please take this seriously.

- You got it.
- Okay.

And...

Good mornin', Sierra High.

I'm Amelia Duckworth.

And I'm Bernie "Hot Shades" Schotz.

It's not too late to sign up

for the wilderness club's

first campin' trip this weekend.

Gonna be a real adventure! Heh.

Adventure? Alpaca my bags.

That's an elephant.

Yeah, the alpaca sound
cost extra to download.

But you could afford
the stupid sunglasses?

In other news, today's lunch
will be fish sticks.

Fish sticks? Gross.

Alpaca my lunch.

You can't keep doin' the same joke.

Oh, can't I? It's Two Times Tuesday.

Two Times! Two Times!

Is that... laughter?

It is!

Thanks for watching, everyone.

She's Amelia, and I'm "Hot Shades."

How did you get the glasses back?

I bought two pairs.

Two pairs! Two pairs!


What if...?

Can we please...?

Cut!

That was awful!

That was amazing!

Kids love your back and forth bickering.

You keep this up, and you guys'll
be the face of this school

for the next four years! Huh?

Bernie, I'm gonna say this nicely.

I really, really, really, really,
really do not like working with you.

Aw? Only five reallys.

But if us fightin' on screen will
make me the face of this school,

then I'm on board. What do you say?

I say, alpaca my keyboard!

Oh! I do have the alpaca sound.

I'm fun.

Isn't this great? Paige
and Frankie doing comedy?

You know, I had a dream last night
that we were still doing this

when we were 90.

I had a dream last night where
Hermie yelled "I trusted you,"

and then pushed me off a cliff.

I mean, that... that
could be about anything.

Well, get excited now,
'cause I wrote an awesome song

called "I Can't Stop Smiling."

It's about having over-the-top,
excited reactions to stupid things.

♪ My friend's so happy
'bout stupid things ♪

♪ A shriveled up raisin
just makes her sing like... ♪

Okay, one thought. You're
gonna wanna join in there.

Yeah, I... I was just... thinkin'
about Hermie's final hours.

He was all alone. And I was responsible.

But uh... let's keep goin'
with the comedy.

Uh... okay.

♪ My friend's so happy
'bout stupid things ♪

♪ A shriveled up raisin
just makes her sing like... ♪

Wow. What a great raisin.

I can't stop smiling.

Well, um, good job
on taking my first note.

I'm sorry, I'm just... too sad
to do Bizaardvark right now.

I'm too sad to do anything right now.

Paige. No, no, come on, wait.

What are you smilin' at?

What's up? I'm Amelia Duckworth,

Here with Bernie Schotz to do the...

We each get a feather,
and try to blow it

from over there to over here,

in this bucket
without it touching the ground.

Did you steal these feathers
from my favorite boa?

Uh... let's do the challenge!

Go!

No! No!

Where'd mine go?

This is not workin'.

Ready?

Oh!

We got it! We got it!

She, uh... You are so aggressive,

you are just shoving me out of the way.

Oh! Oh!

Okay, Hermie. I only took you so Paige
would stop wanting to be a vet,

but... I went too far
and was a horrible friend.

It's time to end this, and get
things back to normal around here.

Oh, sweet mother of all things
unnecessary and borderline hilarious.

Thank you all for coming
to Hermie's funeral.

Horse Face Guy asked me
to put this together.

I'd like to begin with a few words.

Hermie was a good crustacean.

Mm-hm.

It took him a while
to come out of his shell,

but when he did...
he chose another shell.

That's what hermit crabs do.

- Mmm!
- Preach!

- Paige, I need to talk to you...
- Not now, I'm on a roll.

We're gonna miss you, Hermie.

And now, an In Memoriam tribute
featuring Hermie's happiest times.

Paige, Hermie isn't gone.

You're right. He's in our hearts.

- So beautiful, Frankie.
- No, no, I mean...

And now, Horse Face Guy would like
to say a few words about Hermie.

Paige, I really need... Wait...
Horse Face Guy's gonna talk?

No one's ever heard him speak before!

Oh.

He says he can't do it.

Oh... So close!

So sorry, Horse Face Guy.
I'll never forgive myself.

I'm an awful person.

No! I'm an awful person!

You didn't lose Hermie.

I took him!

What?

Hermie is alive and well
right here in this shoe box!

He isn't gone!

Okay, he's gone.

- What?
- Uh... He couldn't have gotten far!

Everyone fan out.

Paige, I... I'm so sorry,
let me explain.

It's just a hard shell taco!

How could you do this to me?
What were you thinking?

I wasn't thinking, I just got scared
and did a really stupid thing.

- Peanut shells!
- Ohh...

Clean up after yourselves, people!

What do you mean you got scared?
Scared of what?

Scared of losing you as my best friend.

What? How could that happen?

We've always said we're gonna
be best friends forever.

Yeah, but we also said that were
were always gonna do comedy forever,

and now you wanna be a vet.

I don't know what I wanna be.

I love Bizaardvark, I love animals.

I also love taking care
of people, and I might wanna

open my own bed and
breakfast in New Mexico.

You'd be so good at that!

Look, I don't know the future.

Only thing I do know, is that you're
always gonna be my best friend.

Thanks, Paige. I'm sorry.

- Love you.
- Love you more.

Now let's go find Hermie.

Oh... Same taco shell as
before, that's on us.

Horse Face Guy, you found Hermie!

I spent all night preparin' insults.

I hope you're ready.

Oh, I'm ready, but I gotta warn you,

things are gonna get pretty personal.

Thank you, "Uncle Wacky's
Zany Joke Book for Kids."

And, we are on.

Good mornin', Sierra High.

I'm Amelia Duckworth.

And I'm Bernie Schotz.

And these are your
morning announcements.

Our lead story involves
the new equipment

- in the science department...
- Speaking of food,

what does Amelia and my favorite lunch

have in common?

They're both full of baloney!

Oh my, Bernie, we are fightin' now!

Heh! Speakin' of baloney,

is... is that what I smell,

or is that low self-esteem,

mixed with your awful B.O.?

Huh... ohh... heh.

Well, uh... uh, when you talk,

you're like a balloon,

because you're full of hot air.

Speakin' of air,

your breath smells like dead slugs,

which is why you've never kissed a girl,

and will probably spend
the rest of your life alone!

Um... I... T... I'm...

I think that...

I bet everyone's lovin' this!

Oh, yeah? Well, uh,

What did the duck...
What did the duck say

when he bought lipstick?

P... P... P... Put... Put it on my bill.

That made no sense.

Kinda like your life.

We get it. No one respects
you, Bernie Schotz.

We're cutting!

Amelia. What was that?

You embarrassed Bernie
in front of the entire school.

I'm afraid your
morning announcement days

are over.

What?

Bernie... think you can handle
this gig on your own? Eh?

I just wanted a fart room.

Amelia... how would you like
to be the face of Sierra High?

That's all I ever wanted!

Good mornin', Sierra High!

- Today's lead story...
- Wrong camera.

Today's lead story...

Amelia Duckworth's back on top!
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