11x07 - Some Kind of Lesbian Zombie

[bunniefuu]

Thank you.

- Wow, she's cute.
- She sure is.

She sucks in bed.

And not in a good way.

Her, too?
I didn't even know she was gay.

Neither did she,
till last Thursday.

You're like some
kind of lesbian zombie

infecting all the women of Malibu.

Ha! I like that.

"Must have vag*na!"

"Must have vag*na!"

Sounds like some kind of weird
help-wanted ad Alan would place.

So when did you realize
that you were gay?

Oh, whoa.
What's that I hear?

Is that your own closet door
finally swinging open?

Trust me. If I was gay,
you'd be the first one to know.

I think I was in high school
when I figured it out.

A bunch of my friends
were having a sleepover

and we started talking about
what it would be like to kiss a boy

and who was the best kisser.

So me and my friend, Kimberly,
who was a cheerleader,

decided to settle it by making out.

- A cheerleader?
- Let the woman talk.

Kimberly was so hot.

I still remember
how soft her lips felt

as she slipped her hand
under my shirt

and kissed her way down my body.

Must have been a strange
and confusing time for you.

Please continue.

She closed her eyes.

She parted her lips,
she arched her back.

And I whispered in her ear,

(PANTING): "Oh, my God,

Kimberly, I can't believe

these two idiots
actually believe this story!"

Then what happened?
Oh, damn it!

It's not that complicated.

The first time you masturbate
thinking about the school nurse,

you pretty much know.

BOTH: Oh, my God,
I'm a lesbian.

We need to start hanging out
with girls who aren't gay.

Or related to us.

How about her?

I suppose I could go talk to her.

- I think Jenny was talking about me.
- Oh, really?

And you assume that just
because you're rich and good-looking?

No, I was gonna say,
"smart and charming."

But if you mix all those
ingredients together,

you make one delicious hot-guy pie.

Well, your "hot-guy pie"
is no match for my system.

No, hold on. Going on Craigslist
and looking up escorts isn't a system.

That is not my system.
That is my backup plan.

My system consists of the three C's.

"Connect, charm and cry."
Works every time.

Okay.
Hi, my name's Alan.

That is a beautiful blouse
you're wearing.

My dead wife was buried in one
just like it.

Yeah, my system's a lot simpler.

I wait for you to finish talking
and then I take them home.

Oh, big words coming from somebody
sitting alone next to me.

Okay, fine. Well, let's just go see
who she likes better.

Oh, my God.
No one is safe.

♫ (THEME SONG PLAYING) ♫

Do you think all women
are potentially lesbians?

Um, I have 30 years of masturbating
to p*rn that say, "Yes."

You know, you brag more
about your masturbating prowess

than any person I know.

It ain't bragging if it's true.

Ooh! Alpha Bravo,
two bogies on your six.

Why are you talking like that?
Oh, my... Did you have a stroke?

It's airplane talk.
I'm your wingman.

It just means two cute girls
just walked in.

Why didn't you just say,
"Two cute girls just walked in"?

Roger that.

- Will you stop that?
- Over and out.

- Wow.
- Yeah

They are cute.

So what's the play here?

How about something like,
"Hey, those seats are taken,

but our faces aren't."

How about, "I'm Walden
and this is my mute friend, Alan."

Fine, you think
you got such great game,

lead the way, Mr. "I'm-Too-Good
For-Craigslist-And-Masturbating."

- Hi.
- Hi.

That's all I got.

Ladies, how much
does a polar bear weigh?

Oh, I don't know.

Enough to break the ice.
I'm Dr. Alan Harper.

This is my associate, Walden Schmidt.
Google him, he's rich.

If you Google me,
you can see my boobs.

Also, if you do this.

Hi!

Take another look,
but this time spell "attic."

A-T-T-l-C.

I get it!

Because these are my tee-tees
and I see them!

- I'm sorry about my friend.
- I'm sorry about my friend.

- Walden.
- Jill.

So, Alan,
what kind of doctor are you?

I'm a chiropractor,
slash, brain surgeon.

So what do you guys do?

We're princesses at a theme park.

- Oh, really?
- Yeah.

I play Cinderella
and she's the Little Mermaid.

Oh, well, that certainly makes sense

because you "swept" my friend
off his feet.

And I'm "hooked" on you!

Oh, my God, that's funny!
Because I'm a fish.

The answer to the question
you're not asking is,

because she makes me look smart.

Well, the answer to the question
you're not asking is,

because he won't move out.

- Morning.
- Oh, hey. How great was last night?

It was pretty good!

Those girls didn't know
what hit them.

What'd you use?
Chloroform or tasers?

I will have you know
that Walden and I have dates tonight

with two theme park princesses.

Mine's Cinderella.

Perfect for you.
Storybook beauty.

And mine is Little Mermaid.

Perfect for you.
No legs to run away.

I'm telling you,
If we play our cards right,

we're gonna get ourselves
some "fairy tail."

"Fairy tail?"

Because, you know,
"tail" has two meanings?

Yeah, so does "fairy."

- Hey, guys.
- Hey.

This is Maria.
Maria, this is Walden and Alan.

That's so cool! You didn't tell me
your parents were gay.

Didn't I?
Dad and Mom.

- Hi.
- It's nice to meet you.

Listen, I got to go.
But you are going to call me, right?

- Absolutely.
- You sure?

Yes, I would not lie to you
in front of my parents.

Bye, it was nice meeting you.

(MIMICKING) Don't be a stranger, dear.

That's not the girl
you picked up in the bar last night.

No, she delivered the pizza to me

and the girl I picked up at the bar
last night.

Well, I hope you gave her a good tip.

Nah, she didn't come
in 30 minutes or less.

Whoa!
Woo-woo-woo!

Fashion police, pull over.

What?

The reason I stopped you is
it appears your style has expired.

You don't like this sweater?
I thought it looked good.

Have you been drinking, sir?

This coming from a man who looks like
he's been tented for termites.

(DOORBELL RINGS)

- Lyndsey.
- Hi, Alan.

Did we have plans for tonight?

No, I was in the area and I thought
I'd surprise you with a booty call.

Oh, wow, well, normally,
that would be delightful.

But...

You're wearing cologne
and your one good shirt.

You have a date!

Oh, no, I wouldn't call it a date.

You know...

Walden met this woman
and she's got a friend.

Really ugly.

You know how they say, you know,
people were beaten with the ugly stick?

Well, you know, if you took a bunch
of the ugly sticks

and built an ugly house,
when this girl walked by,

the house would call her ugly.

Alan, relax!
You're allowed to date!

- Oh, really?
- Of course! I have a boyfriend.

Oh, thank God,
because this girl is way hot.

I mean, you know, not as hot as you,
but you know, young-hot.

You've been hot a lot longer.

- I'm gonna go.
- You sure you're okay with this?

I'm sure!
Go have fun.

Aw. That's my good, old Lyndsey.
I didn't mean "old"!

Woo-woo-woo!

(MOCKING ALAN):
Idiot police, pull over!

God, it's great out here.
The stars look amazing.

Yeah, without the lights from the city,
they really pop.

That's why you can see
Orion's belt so clearly.

You know,
if you look under Orion's belt,

you can see his little dipper.

Oh, my God.
You're so bad!

You're into astronomy?

Because I've been into astronomy
since I went to space camp.

Also about the same time I got into
getting my ass kicked at school.

I always wanted to go to space camp!

Nerd!

I prefer "geek."

What about you, Laurie?
Are you into astronomy?

Yep, I'm a Virgo.
But I'm not a vir-gin!

Both good signs for me.

So, how did you become a princess
anyway?

Oh, I get that a lot.

(WHISPERING): I'm not a real princess.

Also, not a real redhead.
You'll find that out later.

Hey, it must be great
being a princess.

Yeah, for the most part.

What's not so great
are the pervy dads

who are trying to cop a feel.

The other day, I was like,
"Do that again,

you're gonna find out
where else my glass slipper fits."

Is it weird that that turns me on?

Is it weird that's why I told you?

So, hey, would you girls
like a little more champagne?

Oh, I would.
I love champagne.

And puppies!

What's the magic word?

"Boobs!"

The kids must love you.

I really like Jill. She's fun,
she's beautiful, she's smart.

I really like Laurie. She's fun,
she's beautiful, she's stupid.

So, what's the next move?

I'm gonna take Jill up to my room
and show her my telescope.

What am I gonna do? There's nothing
in my room to show Laurie.

Yes, there is.

You have a couch
that turns into a bed.

She'll be amazed.

Okay, open your eyes.

Oh, my God!
Where'd the couch go?

Ah-ah-ah!

A magician never reveals his secrets.

That's amazing!

And for my next trick,
I'm going to make my penis disappear.

I'll need a volunteer
from the audience.

Oh, pick me, pick me!

(CELL PHONE RINGS)

I'm sorry.

Oh. My mom.

No problem.
I'll go put in a condom.

Uh, that's not how...

You know what?
Great.

- Lyndsey?
- Alan, thanks for calling!

You called me.

Oh, that's good
because I was just gonna call you.

Lyndsey, you're drunk.

Alan, you're boring.

Okay, I'm gonna go.

No, wait.
Just one thing.

Remember when I told you I was okay
with you dating other people?

- Uh-huh.
- Well, I'm not.

You're not?

I'm ready for your next trick!

Can I call you back?
I'm... going into a tunnel.

So what do you think
of your princess?

I think I am enchanted,

and engorged.

Well, let's see about giving the story
a happy ending.

Can you hold on for a second?

Oh! Oh! Uh, not what I meant,
but big thumbs-up.

Oh! Oh!
It was a...

It was a metaphorical thumbs-up.

And you work with children.

Is everything all right?

Yeah, yeah.

Can you just hang on a minute?
I've gotta freshen up.

Oh, the bathroom's right there.

Yeah, no, I have to... poop.

Check out this star.

Is that the guy from Survivor?

Yeah, Jeff Probst.

He's naked and cooking bacon?

Yeah, he does it every night.

It's a regular
bacon and sausage fest.

And why do you watch?

There's not much on TV.

But more importantly,
I think he wants me to.

Well, maybe if there was something
better for you to look at?

(FRANTIC KNOCKING)

ALAN: Walden! Walden!

I know, Probst is cooking!

ALAN: No, no, it's an emergency!

I'm sorry.

- What?
- Lyndsey called me.

- Oh, my God.
- Yeah.

Why didn't you say that
from the beginning?

(FRANTIC KNOCKING)

She told me she is not okay
with me dating someone else!

She has a boyfriend, okay?

- What she's doing to you is not fair.
- So what should I do?

You should do what every boy
in America's dreamed about doing

and go downstairs
and bang the Little Mermaid!

You're right.
A bush in the hand and all that.

I'd tell you to go screw her brains out,
but somebody already b*at you to it.

(CELL PHONE RINGING)

Great.

Hi, Lynds.

No, no, you have nothing
to apologize for.

I sent her home.

You left a surprise for me?

Oh, you didn't have to do that.

Surprise!

- Lyndsey?
- Yeah.

I felt bad about ruining your date,
so I wanted to make it up to you.

- LAURIE: Alan, where are you?
- What was that?

That's just a TV show I'm watching.

It's called, Alan, Where Are You?

Well, you know what?
Thanks for dropping by.

But I'm gonna have to take a rain check,
so I will see you soon.

Are you done pooping?

Who the hell is this?

Oh, I'm so sorry.

Is this your mom?

- Bitch, you are gonna die!
- Hold on, hold on, hold on.

I thought you said
you sent the slut home!

How does she know I'm a slut?

This is just a classic
misunderstanding.

It's like a bad episode of
Alan, Where Are You?

- You lied to me!
- I was just about to kick her out!

You were about to kick me out?

I wasn't.
I was.

I wasn't!

What is going on?

Alan's mom thinks I'm a slut.

- Alan is cheating on me!
- You have a boyfriend!

Now who's the slut?

Okay, maybe we should
just get our things and go.

No, no, no. Don't get your things.
I like your things.

I haven't even seen your things!

I really think
we should call it a night.

No, Alan, do something!

Okay, what we're gonna do is...

(VOMITING)

Whoa!

Whoa!

Must have vag*na!

- Morning.
- Hey.

Sorry for puking in the living room
last night.

- What?
- I think I just drank a little too much.

Oh, that wasn't you.
That was Lyndsey.

Oh, awesome!

Guess who doesn't have
a drinking problem?

- Morning.
- Morning.

Sorry again about last night.

You know what?
I really liked Jill.

- What happened was out of my control!
- No, it wasn't!

This whole non-relationship
relationship thing

you have going on with Lyndsey
is ridiculous.

And now it's affecting me!

You owe me a princess
and an area rug.

- What happened?
- I'll tell you what happened. Nothing.

The only person who got hot,
drunk sex, last night

was Lyndsey's boyfriend.

- Actually...
- Okay, fine. Him and you.

- Well...
- Oh, damn it!

(DOORBELL RINGS)

- Lyndsey, can we talk?
- Sure.

I've been puking at 20-minute intervals,
so you got eight minutes.

- Look, about last night...
- I am really sorry.

I was totally out of line.

It's just I started picturing you
with some other girl,

and I got so jealous.

I mean...
Isn't that crazy? It's you!

Ouch. There was an iron fist
in that velvet glove.

Look, I wanna be with you.

And this whole thing with me, you
and Larry just isn't working anymore.

So, what are you saying?

I'm saying,
it's either me or him.

Well, it's not that simple.
I can't just choose!

I guess you already did.

Goodbye, Lyndsey.

- Alan, wait.
- Yeah?

I choose you.

- Really?
- Yeah.

- Oh, you make me so happy.
- You make me happy, too.

So you're gonna break up with Larry?

- Yes.
- Oh, great!

It feels so good
to be back in your arms.

Yeah. Hold on.

(VOMITING)

Oh, hold my hair!

(VOMITING)

Oh!

It's just like old times.

(VOMITING CONTINUES)

(SIGHS) Wow.

- Yeah, wow.
- That was...

- Boring.
- Very.

What was missing?

BOTH: Larry.

Knowing we're not supposed
to have sex made it way hotter.

It really did.

You think maybe Larry
would take you back?

- I haven't told him yet.
- Smart.

Hey, now that we both know
that Larry's still in the picture,

- maybe we should try again.
- Okay.

I promise this time
I won't fake my orgasm.

Oh, then neither will I.

Walden.

Can you help me, miss?

A beautiful woman
fled my house last night

and the only clue I have
to her identity

is this shoe she left behind.

Oh, that's very sweet,
but this isn't a good time.

Why? Is it...

Do I smell bacon?

You should go.

Everything okay, babe?

JILL: I just need a second.

All right. Bacon's ready.

I'm sorry.

Damn you, Probst!