11x08 - Mr. Walden, He Die. I Clean Room

[bunniefuu]

- Morning.
- Morning.

Ooh, Cap'n Crunch.
He's the only man I put in my mouth.

Puts my relationship with Orville
Redenbacher in a different light.

I'm partial to the UPS guy.

We're making food jokes here.
The UPS guy is not food.

He is, if you cover him
with whipped cream.

What can I say?

There's just something
about a man in brown shorts.

Okay, I'm in big trouble.

- Speaking of a man with brown shorts.
- What's wrong?

I got a call from
Lyndsey's boyfriend, Larry,

and he wants to see me.

- He wants to see Jeff Strongman.
- Who's Jeff Strongman?

Oh, Jeff Strongman
is Alan's alter-ego

he uses to meet Larry
and fight crime.

Wait, so you use a fake name
to sneak around with other men?

Where do you guys meet?
A Lady Gaga concert?

It was a spin class
if you must know.

Now, what am I gonna do?

I told you something like this
was gonna happen.

"I told you something like this
was gonna happen."

Look, I am serious.

He wouldn't tell me why he wanted
to see me and he sounded pretty upset.

What kind of world are we living in,

where a guy is upset with another guy
for banging his girlfriend?

You see, that's why I love being gay.

A guy finds out I'm doing his girlfriend,
I don't get an angry phone call.

I get a dozen roses
and a copy of the video.

Too bad
I can't convince Larry I'm gay.

Come on, Zippy,
you're making it too easy for us.

Oh, hey! There he is.
My main man with a winter tan.

Jeff.

I got you a coffee.
Can I get you anything else?

Want muffins? They're bran.
Keeps your trains running on time.

(MELODIC) Poop! Poop!

I'm not hungry.

All right, then,
I'll just sit across from you,

right here,
in front of all these witnesses.

You know my girlfriend, Lyndsey?

Is it "Lyndsey?"
I thought it was "Linda."

Glad you cleared that up,
before I saw her again.

Which I haven't and why would I?

She's been cheating on me.

(CHOKING)

Mmm! Sorry, just a little...
(CLEARS THROAT)

Why do you think
she's cheating on you?

I hired a private investigator
to follow her.

(CHOKING)

Do you mind?

She's been meeting him
at a house in Malibu.

(SPITTING)

Sorry, sorry,
I'm just a little shocked.

- Imagine how I feel!
- Well, I can't.

I do know in situations like this,
it's the woman who's to blame.

She's not the only one.

Please, I have a son!

This is the guy.

- Wait. This is the guy?
- Yeah.

This is the guy you think
is banging your girlfriend?

- I know he is!
- And only him? Nobody else?

Isn't this bad enough?

Well, sure.

But, you know, there could also be
another explanation.

I mean, maybe she's just lost
and she's asking him for directions.

Right. "Excuse me, sir,
can you help me find my G-spot?"

It's not just this photo!

It's the late-night errands,
hiding her phone.

Plus, we haven't had sex in forever!

Wow, that's rough.

I guess this guy, whoever he is,
satisfies her every need.

I wanna k*ll him.
I hate being lied to like this.

I know, I get it.

You know, sometimes, you think
you know a person, but you don't.

Panini for Strongman?

Jeff, that's you.

What? Oh, yeah!
That's me.

Jeff Strongman.

Someone who's not banging
anyone's girlfriend.

♫ (THEME SONG PLAYING) ♫

Oh, no, there's a stranger
in my house

and it's possibly
a gay p*rn star from the '70s.

It's me, Alan.

I believe you're supposed to say,
"It's a-me, a-Mario!"

So I take it things
didn't go great with Larry?

Well, he does know
that Lyndsey's cheating on him.

But the good news is,
he doesn't know that it's with me.

So why do you look like one of the
Village People in street clothes?

Well, he hired a private detective
to watch the house

because, uh... and here's
where it gets really funny.

Um... He thinks that Lyndsey
is cheating on him with...

No.

No, no, no.

No, no, no!

It's crazy, right?
(CHUCKLING)

Why didn't you tell him the truth?

Fear, cowardice.

Lack of a dental plan.

Besides, he just lost Lyndsey.
I didn't want him to lose his best friend.

You're gonna lose your best friend
if you don't fix this!

Oh, I'm your best friend?

Alan, I am serious.

I do not want a private detective
watching this house

and I definitely don't want
an angry boyfriend after me!

Well, you should've thought of that
before you slept with Lyndsey.

I've got some work to do

and I'm gonna go out
and run some errands.

And when I get back,
this better be cleaned up.

Oh, don't worry.
I'm on it.

Oh, but just in case.

Oh, God!

Is there any look you can't pull off?

I'm a-gonna k*ll you!

- Hey!
- Hiya!

Oh!

What the hell?

Alan!
What are you doing?

At the moment,
looking for my left ball!

Larry just dropped me off.
He could've seen you!

That's why I'm here.

Larry thinks you're having an affair
with Walden.

What?
Why would he think that?

Well, because he hired a PI,
who got a picture of the two of you.

And by the way,
it looked like it was a cold day.

(PINGING)

- You're an idiot.
- I know. So what are we gonna do?

Okay, look, I've done this
plenty of times before.

The first thing you do
is deny everything.

Right, denial. Wait?
You've done this before?

- Do you ever cheat on me?
- Never.

Okay, good.
(PHONE CHIMES)

Oh.

- Oh, it's Larry!
- What does he want?

Uh, let's see.

"Just dropped off
the cheating whore..." Lyndsey.

"Wanna grab a drink?"

Okay, go play the sympathetic friend,
calm him down.

- I'll figure something out.
- Sounds good.

All right, "No problem, bro."

"Cocktail glass emoji."

- Stall him, as long as you can.
- Right.

I'm sorry I kicked you in the balls.
Is there anything I can do?

You could kiss it and make it better.

- Goodbye, Alan.
- Oh, come on!

It's not like I could do it myself!

God knows I've tried.

(BRAKES SCREECHING)

- Get in the car.
- Rose?

- What are you doing?
- Somebody's following you.

Yeah.
You!

There's no time for this.
You're in danger.

Yeah, from you!

Just get in.

Why would I get in your car?

The last time I tried to trust you...

What, what are you looking at?

You got a little spot on your shirt.

Oh.

(YELPING) Drive, drive, drive!

I found out more about this guy.
His name is Walden Schmidt.

More like, "lying sack of Schmidt."
Am I right?

Turns out he's some kind of stupid
Internet billionaire.

Don't you hate when guys don't work
for a living like you and me?

Amen, Jeff Strongman.

Hey, come on, you know, this isn't
the worst thing in the world.

- You're gonna bounce back.
- I guess. I should've seen it coming.

She cheated
on her last boyfriend with me.

Her last boyfriend?

I guess the guy was a real loser.
A pathetic freeloader.

That's just conjecture.

Maybe he's a really great guy
and she's just a crazy, lying bitch.

I'm not gonna take it lying down
like the pansy she was dating before me.

- Is "pansy" your word or hers?
- Hers.

I'm going to the head.
You get the check,

we'll go pay this bastard a visit.

Take your time.
No rush.

Oh, come on, Lyndsey!
Pick up, pick up, pick up.

Of course, voicemail.

Lyndsey, things have gone
from bad to worse.

Larry is gonna confront Walden
and I don't know what to do.

Call me back.

Oh, and PS, you and I have
a little issue to discuss ourselves.

Oh, and PPS,
the "P" stands for "pansy!"

Looks like we lost him.

What the hell is going on?

Well, I'm pretty sure
Larry hired a hit-man.

How do you know about Larry?

Because he's stalking you.

How do you know that?

Because I'm stalking you.

Okay, you know, this is ridiculous.
I'm calling the police.

And tell them what?
We have no proof of anything.

Besides, how helpful were the police
when you called them on me?

I got them to issue
a restraining order.

Hi.

Uh-oh. He's back.
I don't know how he keeps finding us.

I'll tell you how.
The GPS on my cell phone.

Give me that.

I was gonna turn it off, but okay.

- Hang on.
- What? Why?

Whoa! Whoa! Whoa!
(BRAKES SQUEALING)

(SIGHS) That ought to do it.

Okay, you know, this is nonsense!
Take me home!

Okay, homeward bound.

And gagged, and tortured for days.

Okay, fine.
Then take me to a hotel.

- Beverly Hills Hotel, okay?
- It's perfect.

And "bang" you're dead.

You need to get off the grid.
Someplace they don't expect you.

A place they can't track
your credit cards.

Nobody is tracking my credit cards.

That wasn't you last night
getting a coffee colonic?

I will not apologize
for a healthy colon!

Okay, here we go.
This place looks perfect.

- This place is a dump.
- Exactly.

And it's the last place
anyone would look for you.

Yeah, but it's the first place
that hepatitis would look for me!

Okay, this is only temporary.

You lay low
and I will straighten this out.

Why, in God's name,
would I trust you?

Walden, I know that I've caused you
some tiny problems in the past...

"Tiny?"

You pretended to be pregnant
to scare my girlfriend away.

You sicced rabid ferrets on me!

You tied me to my bed

and tried to violate me
with a leaf-blower!

It's so sweet
you remember everything.

But I can make up
for all of that now.

Look, when your sink is clogged,
you call a plumber.

When your car breaks down,
you call a mechanic.

When you have
a dangerous psychopath after you,

you call me.

All right, fine.
I am gonna k*ll Alan.

Oh, if you survive tonight,
you should hire Larry's guy.

He's good.

Here you go.

- This is the best room you got?
- It's the presidential suite.

President of what?
Crap-o-Slovakia?

I could offer you the honeymoon suite
if you don't mind the smell of love.

No, no, no, this is fine.

Uh... do you, uh...
Do you have room service?

I might have something
you might wanna eat.

I don't think you do.

Listen, uh... if anyone comes here
asking about me, I'm not here.

Don't worry.
No one will ever find you.

Hey, uh, if you get lonely later on,

I'm in the apartment
behind the building.

Yeah, okay.

It's nothing fancy,
but I've got some good weed

and a...
(INHALING)... spa-tub.

Uh...
I'll keep that in mind.

There's a live feed on channel 14
if you wanna check it out.

Great, now I got to hide
from him, too.

This Walden guy's gonna regret
the day he stole my girlfriend.

It's not stealing.
It's more like borrowing.

Like renting a car.

Yeah, but when you rent a car,
you know other guys have been in it.

Turning the knobs,
playing with the seat,

shoving stuff in the trunk.

Okay, okay.
Maybe that's a bad analogy.

That doesn't change the fact that
confronting him is not gonna help.

You got a better idea?

I do.

How about you forget about Lyndsey
and we go to a bar and pick up women?

You know, Larry and Jeff,
out on the prowl. Rowr!

Jeff, I appreciate
what you're trying to do.

But I'm afraid if I don't do this,
I won't be able to live with myself.

And I'm afraid if you do this,
I'll have to live by myself.

Oh, no!
Channel 14!

Oh, God!

(KNOCKING ON DOOR)

Who is it?

It's Larry.
I'm here to k*ll you, Walden.

(FOREIGN ACCENT)
Mr. Walden, he die. I clean room.

No, silly rabbit.
It's just me.

Rose?
Is that...

Are you alone?

Yes, but a nice man
did just invite me into his spa-tub.

Here, I brought some food.

- Yeah, I can't eat.
- Why not?

Well, because if I do,
eventually I'll have to go in there.

And I'm not going in there.

So did you find anything out?

Still no sign of Larry.
He could be anywhere.

God, Alan was supposed
to take care of this.

He also told you he was only gonna
live at your house for a few days.

- Here we are, day eight hundred and...
- Forty-three.

Oh, I almost forgot.
I got us some candy bars.

Mounds for you
because it's your favorite.

Oh!

Almond Joy for me
because, you know, nuts!

Hey, why are you being so nice to me?

You know,
I'll admit that you hurt me

and I did some things
that I'm not proud of.

But just because you took
a restraining order out against me,

doesn't mean that I can restrain
my feelings for you.

That is the sweetest,

most terrifying thing
I've ever heard.

Are you really scared of me?

You're not even the scariest person
I've met in this room.

I mean, the truth is,
I'm not blameless.

I mean, I chose anther girl over you
and look who's here with me now.

I never really left you.

Literally.

File this under
"Things I'm gonna regret."

Damn it!
Should've brought my leaf-blower.

- Oh, the doorbell doesn't work.
- What?

I mean, that does not work

if you want to send a message
that there's a "man" here.

"Ding-dong,
I'm gonna kick your tushy."

You're right.

Now listen. Now this could get crazy.
There's gonna be name-calling.

Jerk, idiot, Alan...

- Larry.
- Lyndsey?

I know exactly what's going on
between you and Walden Schmidt.

Now where is he?

Wow, this house is amazing.

Larry, this isn't what you think.

It's exactly what I think!
I have pictures!

We're standing in his house!

Okay, it's time
for me to tell you the truth.

Don't believe her!
She's a cheating, drunk whore!

Larry, listen to me.

I'm not here
to sleep with Walden Schmidt.

- I'm here to sleep with someone else.
- What?

Remember you told me your fantasy
was to see me with another woman?

ALAN AND LARRY: Yeah?

I've arranged
for your dream to come true.

ALAN AND LARRY: You did?

That's why I rented this beautiful
beach house from Walden Schmidt.

As a birthday surprise.
I also got us something else.

So which one's watching us?

If it's him,
I'm gonna have to charge extra.

Wait a minute, is this for real?

Happy birthday, baby.

Wow, a threesome.
That is quite a gift.

Well, it was last-minute
and I had to think of something.

A nice cardigan
wouldn't have done the trick?

God, I feel so stupid!
I even hired someone to follow you.

Well, why don't you call them off
and we'll all go sit down

and talk about the things
you wanna see.

Bye, Jeff.

Yeah, bye, Jeff.
I'll send you a copy of the video.

Wait, wait,
this is really happening?

I mean, you and her?

And him?

And here?

While I...

Son-of-a-bitch!

(SCOFFS) This is crazy!

You know, I bet if Lyndsey had been
sleeping with somebody else,

he'd be really, really mad.

I know!
Isn't this great, Jeff?

She's not a cheating whore.
She's just a whore!

- Hi, it's Larry Martin!
- Oh, hey.

Listen, I'm not gonna be needing
your services anymore.

But I appreciate all your help.

No problem.
It was my pleasure. Good-bye.

That was Alan.

What did he say?

Well, he thanked me
for protecting you.

But there's still no sign of Larry.

And as long as he's out there,
you're not safe.

I'm gonna go get us some supplies.

No, don't go.
We're having a good time.

You're just a sticky,
little honey-bun, aren't you?

Don't try to get in touch with anyone
or Larry will k*ll you.

Kisses.

(SIGHS)

Got to go to the bathroom.

Screw it.
I'll just pee the bed.

(THUNDER CRASHING)

(HEAVY FOOTSTEPS)

Rose?

(KEYS JINGLING)

All right, come on, Rose.
This... It's not funny.

(THUNDER CRASHING)

Larry?

Listen, we can work this out.

It's just a little misunderstanding.

(KEY SLIDING IN LOCK)

Oh, God.

Well, that was rude.

Looks like I took a shower
for nothing.

Come out, come out,
wherever you are!

I hate you, Jeff Strongman.