06x05 - When Elle Freezes Over

[bunniefuu]

Go! Go! Go! Go! Go! Go!

Go! Go! Go! Go!

Aww.

You guys! You shouldn't have.

This is so cute!

Oh, wait, there's something else.

Aww.

It's a "My First Helmet."

Here, open mine next!

It's teething puck.

Builds strong teeth

to be knocked out
later when baby go pro.

Knock, knock, girls on the floor.

- Hi.
- Hey, there's my baby mama,

my pregnant gal pal,

my beautiful baby lady.

Oh, you're terrible at
whatever you're trying to do.

Well, I'd like to call you my wife.

Well, I'd like to eat
sushi and drink booze,

but if I have to wait until
after the baby, so do you.

Got it. So you two
spending the day together?

Yup, we sure are. Part
of my mommy boot camp.

I'm spending as much spare
time as possible with Emma

to get practice for
taking care of our baby.

That's great, hon,
but do you really think

bringing her to a room
full of half-naked men

is a good idea?

That's my first lesson.

See? This is why I'm practicing.

♪ It's amazing how the unexpected ♪

♪ Can take your life
and change directions ♪

Thank you, man. Hey, Ben!

I'm taking money from your wallet

because you owe me for every pizza

we've ever ordered...

ever.

Well, excuse me.

What do we have here?

- Nothing.
- This is Elle, isn't it?

- No!
- Dude, I cannot believe

you are still carrying
around a picture of a girl

- you don't even know.
- So?

You carry around all those
fortune cookie fortunes

in your wallet.

Sometimes I go through your wallet.

I know it's weird, man.

I just like to look at her picture

- and think, "What if?"
- Look, man.

I understand what-ifs. Right?

What if Ben paid his rent on time?

What if Ben stopped
drinking all my beers?

Do you notice a central
theme to my what-ifs?

No! I mean, what if
she's looking for me too?

Look, I'm sorry, dude, but
you're never gonna find her.

Yeah, you're probably right.

I just wish you weren't.

I really liked that apartment,

except for the bathroom and the kitchen,

and the bedroom was really small.

Okay, I didn't like it.

I'm really sorry.

You know, Elizabeth, I like you.

I like you too, but the only person

who calls me Elizabeth is my mom.

No, problem. How about I call you Liz?

- I wish you wouldn't.
- Like I was saying, Liz,

I like you.

You know, you're just...
you're so together.

Maybe I can set you up with my son.

Oh! No! Damn it!

He just knocked up the love of his life,

so I guess technically
he's off the market.

Although, never say never
until the baby comes out

looking like him. Am I right? Huh?

Liz? Liz?

I'm fine. I kind of have a guy.

- Oh.
- Well, I don't really know him yet,

but I know that he's the one.

I just have to find him again.

God, you sound like my stupid son Ben.

Oh my God, I forgot. I
have a stupid son Ben.

How about I set you up with him?

You're not really selling him that well.

Honey, when I see two people
out there looking for love,

who are too pathetic
to find it on their own,

I just can't help but put them together.

It's settled. I am setting you up.

Just another bonus of being my client.

Wait, what was the first bonus?

Ohh! Shh. Don't over think it, Liz.

Thank you, Mr. Squirrel.

You've helped Princess
Victoria save the day.

So does this Princess Victoria chick

have an actual job?

I mean, what does she do all day?

Um, she saves woodland
creatures with pixie glitter,

and she also happens to
be an excellent speller.

What do you contribute to society?

Whoa, back off, fan boy.

I mean, I get why Emma likes the show,

but what's your deal?

She likes the bunny,
and I like the honey.

Hi, babe, look.

Emma and I are watching
her favorite show together,

Princess Victoria.

Tucker's just a creepy fan.

I seriously can't get
away from that woman.

She's invading Madison
Square Garden this weekend...

some big ice show for charity

that all the Rangers
have to take part in.

Oh, as a good mother-to-be,
I should take Emma.

It sounds heinous, but I'm in.

Ah, no. No, no, no.
I... I will take Emma,

because we have a very special bond

with Princess Victoria
that nobody can break.

Dude, if you like her that much,

I can probably get you in the show.

Sorry, kid, you're on your own.

Half my teammates have
already dropped out.

Trust me, put on a
helmet, no one will care.

Ha ha! And it looks like this fairy tale

is gonna end with me
getting some fairy tail.

So, Benji, I was thinking.

No.

But I want to set you
up with my new client.

Ooh, someone my mom likes?

And we're back to no.

- She's nice.
- Which is code for ugly.

- She's smart.
- Which is code for super ugly.

Ben, you know I don't
like you very much...

but, you know, I just can't stand by

and watch you throw your life away

over some mystery woman
that you haven't even met

when my mom-tuition is telling me

that this girl is perfect for you.

Well, I don't know
about perfect, but I try.

Sam. Oh my god, hi.

Wow, Sam, I never
thought I'd see you again.

Mom, look, it's Sam.

Aww, hey, Sam.

Sorry, I don't have any more
kids for you to sleep with.

I didn't want to bother
you, but I found this hat

in my apartment and I
thought it might be yours.

Hmm, nope, not mine. Sorry.

Oh, okay, are you sure?

Oh good God, Ben,

if you were any slower, we could
cut in line at amusement parks.

This is just some
lame excuse to see you.

- Is that true?
- Well, it's not not true.

Well, you know what,
Sam? You're too late

because he is about to
start dating this hottie.

Mom! Those are your boobs!

Oh, I'm sorry, that was for Brad.

Are you really here just to see me?

I missed you.

I keep feeling like I made a mistake,

and I was kind of hoping
for another chance.

Ben?

Sorry, I'm just not
used to women coming back

without me doing a lot of begging.

So what about all the stuff you
said about us and about Emma?

I know, I'm sorry. It was
just too much too soon,

and I kind of panicked,

but it sounds like you might
be seeing someone right now.

No, no, no, I'm totally single.

No, he's not. He's dating this.

Oh, god, I'm sorry. That's Brad.

We took pictures of every body part

before he went away to prison.

This one's my favorite.

Waa. Yeah.

Man, I hope I get to be the prince.

Do you think I'll get to be the prince?

Because, you know, princesses
only date princes, right?

It's a royal decree from King Possum.

All right, calm down.

No one else wants to be the prince.

I want to be prince.

I love Princess Victoria.

Her show is how I learn English.

And if you wish for
something, it will be so.

Plus, she is total smoke show.

Okay, boys, let's
finish up this casting.

My mood elevators are on their way down.

Hi, hi. I was a theater major,

and I am all about the
integrity of the show.

Right, I was hoping
I could be the prince.

And I was hoping to have a conversation
like this with Dustin Hoffman,

so we're both disappointed.
You can be the little spoon.

Little spoon... Okay, now me.

- I be prince, yes?
- You be prince, no.

You be tree.

You, tall, dark and
vacant-behind the eyes,

- let's go with...
- Please don't say it.

...the prince, and I think we're done.

Come on, Danny, you
have to trade with me.

- You don't even want to do this.
- But I'm your teammate,

and you already have happy ever after.

I want happy

with girl even hotter than yours.

Hey, did you just call
my girlfriend ugly?

No, no, not ugly.

Maybe a little bit round.

She's pregnant! Here.

I'm the prince! I'm the prince!

I love you, Danny.

Um, um, thank you, bro.

Um, uh, yeah, we cool.
I'm gonna see you.

You will regret this day.

Now, with any luck, this
production of Princess Victoria

and the Little Spoon won't
suck as hard as the last one.

Now, where's the Little
Spoon, the star of our show?

Wow, so much for taking things slow.

Hey, we made it out of
the elevator, didn't we?

I just hope our clothes
are still in there.

This place is for rent?

Does the person living here know that?

Yeah, it's my son's place.

Oh, wow, we're doing this now?

I would have worn a different top.

Well, lucky for you, my son's a guy,

and they don't care what you wear,

as long as you got what
they need underneath.

All right, okay, you sit here.
I'm gonna go check his room.

- Mom!
- Ben!

- Mrs. Wheeler!
- Sam!

Mom!

You know what, just saying
each other's names out loud

does not make this any more comfortable.

- Mom, get out!
- Oh, please.

There's nothing I haven't seen before.

And that's my cue to leave.

No, you can't go. Ben's
future wife is out there.

I thought you said you were single!

I'm trying not to be right now.

Ooh, perfect, get your pants on.

With Sam. I'm trying not
to be single with Sam.

This would be incredibly sweet right now

if I wasn't naked in front of you mom!

- You.
- Yes, it's me.

- And you're you.
- Hey, you,

person I've never seen before.

- Who are you exactly?
- Sorry.

I'm just here with my realtor.

At least I think she's a realtor.

She's stolen something

from every open house we've been to.

Bonnie Wheeler? Yeah.

I'll go get her for you.

Here, will you watch my niece for me?

- Hey.
- Thank you.

Don't screw up.

I'm practicing to be a good mom.

Hey, Mrs. Wheel... whoa, whoa, whoa.

Sam? Seriously, Ben?

I know, right? It's like there's no

one else in the world to sleep with,

except there is and she's
sitting out there on that couch.

Oh, is that girl here for Ben?

- She seems really sweet.
- I know, right?

See, I knew she was ugly.

Now, I'm definitely not going out there.

Uh, you were going to otherwise?

No, no. Where's Emma?

She's in the living room
with your mom's client.

In other words, you left my daughter

with a complete stranger?

No, I would never do that.

I got to go check on
something really quick.

- Is this a new duvet?
- Get out!

You know what? He's not here.

- Let's go.
- But I heard yelling.

Wow, aren't you a
nosy little thing, huh?

Let's go, let's go, let's
go. Let's go, let's go.

Have you read this? The
princess ends up with the spoon.

What kind of fairy tale from hell

does the handsome prince get passed up

for cheap cutlery?

Dude, I got to get that
spoon costume back from you.

Oh, yeah, about that,

I kind of already switched with someone.

Thanks to teammate who
does not get context clues

even in very obvious show title,

I skate into sunrise
with Princess Victoria.

I'm not sure what that meant,

but I do not think he was thanking me.

No, he was not.

He was mocking you.

Not quite sure what that means either,

but he is so going down.

So when I said I'd get a
drink with your son sometime,

I didn't mean : A.M.

Hey, it's noon somewhere.

- You mean five o'clock?
- No, why?

Oh, hey, you know what?

Why don't you sit here,

and I'll make sure that he's decent?

And maybe fluff your hair up a little?

You know, some effort wouldn't k*ll you.

- Seriously?
- What is the matter with you?

Stop mom-blocking me.

Well, I am sorry, but you
have a paying customer outside

who's very thirsty.

Any chance this paying
customer is really just you?

Grab a bottle and get out!

Benjamin, can I speak to
you for a moment in private?

Okay, look, I got Liz outside,

and she is perfect for you.

She loves kids, she loves me,

and she didn't sleep with your brother.

I can still hear you.

Well, I told you. I'm seeing Sam.

This is what I'm doing now.

Fine, but do you have anyone
lined up for this afternoon?

Because I could bring her back then.

Again, can still hear you.

Mom, I'm busy all day here,

and then I'm going to
Danny's stupid ice show

with Emma and Riley tonight. Come here.

Look, everyone's been telling me
I'm wasting my time chasing Elle

and I should get off of
her and on someone else.

Well, I'm on someone else.

I want to make a go at this with Sam.

I think she's really changed.

Look, honey, you don't need
somebody who's changing for you.

You need somebody who
starts out right for you.

And, look, I don't know
what it is about Liz,

but I am telling you there is
something very special about her.

Oh, and by the way, women don't change.

We just spend all of our
lives trying to change you...

and then we die.

You know, I really enjoyed spending
time with you and Emma yesterday.

Any chance I could tag along
with you guys to the ice show?

We'd love to have you.

I mean, I have to ask Emma first,

but she pretty much
does whatever I tell her.

It's awesome.

I'm shocked. He wasn't here too.

But good news, I found you an apartment

and this one has an ice rink in it.

Riley.

I'm pregnant! I deserve two!

She screams that at least once a day.

You'll get used to it.

All right, coming through.

You want ass or crotch?

Too late. Ass it is.

Oh, crap! Crap! Um, you
know what? Wrong row, Liz.

Let's just go. Move
it, move it, move it.

Princess Victoria and the Little Spoon.

Oh, this is gonna be so much fun.

Hey, if Daddy closes his eyes,

he's just listening to the music, okay?

Okay, I need my cutlery
out on the ice right now.

Let's go, let's go, let's go.

See you on the ice,
losers. If you need me,

I'll be in Princess Victoria's room.

Be sure to knock first,

because we will be having the sex.

You know what? That's it. That's it.

I am done playing
second fiddle to a spoon.

Okay, what kind of crazy
world are we living in

where the prince isn't the star?

And who's ever heard of a show

where the utensils get more
ice time than the people?

- Beauty and the Beast. The Nutcracker.
- Okay.

Shut up, man! I am making a point.

Gentlemen, ice dancers,

warriors,

tonight we skate for children and fun...

but do you know what else we skate for?

Justice!

Has no one looked around

at the insanity that we are facing?

I mean, come on! Here we are
chipmunks, townspeople, royalty,

even trees... all living things...

and who does the princess run off with?

An inanimate utensil

that is only useful
for breakfast cereal.

- And soup.
- And soup!

That is right, Danny, and soup.

My people, as your prince, I ask you,

do we let a flimsy piece of metal

- conquer human beings?
- No! No way!

Are we gonna be forked over by a spoon?

No!

I say enough is enough!

Death to spoon-Princess love!

- To the ice!
- Yeah!

What's wrong? What's wrong?

Why did you
text me - - ?

You stopped for food?

Well, I'm pregnant. I deserve two.

Okay, listen, look, I need your help.

You need to get rid of Sam

so I can set Ben up with my client Liz.

Seriously, you're still on that?

Ben and Sam seem happy together.

I don't want to ruin a good thing.

Plus, I really like her now.

Hey, remember when Sam slept
with Danny in high school?

I'm in. What do you need me to do?

Oh, this is it, Emma.

Oh, look, there's Princess Victoria.

She's heading to the castle.

Oh, and there's the little spoon

and all the other magic utensils.

You're witnessing the
hardest part of parenting,

faking enthusiasm.

Oh, oh, and there's
the woodland creatures,

and the people,

and the prince who
looks a lot like Tucker.

I'm coming for you, Victoria!

What is happening?

It's her.

Oh my god, is it?

Yeah, it is.

It really is her. Looks like
she's sitting on the other side.

I should go. Should I go? I got to go!

Excuse me? What are you doing?

This is gonna sound completely insane,

but I've been trying to
find that girl for months.

Okay, you found her, now sit down.

No, no, no, I just need like
two seconds to go meet her.

Well, ten minutes tops.

So you want to leave me
to meet some other girl?

She isn't just a girl...

a girl I saw three times in one day.

It's like crazy fate.

Well, you're about to
see me no times in no days

if you don't just sit down.

No, I can't. I'm
sorry. Sam, I got to go.

This might be a bad time,
but can you watch Emma

for just two sec... okay.

Elle, it's me!

Did Ben leave you here with
Emma? Here, let me take her.

Did you do that on purpose?

Yes, and I feel really
bad about it already.

My hormones are all
over the place today.

I knew it was a bad idea

the second I walked into that bar.

"Oh, Sam, why don't you
bring a hat into the bar

and see if Ben's still
interested in you?"

Idiot!

Whoa, why can't the TV
show be more like this?

This I like.

Oh my gosh, I totally
dated that chipmunk.

Liz! Liz!

Oh my god, perfect.

Much better seats just opened up.

Hey, Bonnie, a little bad news.

You're fired as both my
realtor and my matchmaker.

Oh, I feel so much better.

I've been wanting to
say that for two days.

What? What... no! No, not now!

Slut!

God, I don't know why I
thought that would work.

Huh, I saw her. I saw Elle.

Who cares about Elle?

Unless you think she needs an apartment,

because I am available.

I care and you would too
if you cared about me.

Stop trying to set me
up with some random girl.

Yeah, but Liz isn't random.
She is perfect for you.

Okay, fine. If you're so
sure, then I'll meet her.

Yeah, well, you know, it's too late now.

She got tired of waiting around for you,

and she's moved on.

So congratulations, Benji,

you got dumped before you ever met her.

Pfft! This is on you, buddy.

Emma, I wasn't a very
good role model tonight.

Never throw food on anyone,

even if you do have hormones
coursing through your body

and residual jealously left
over from a very emotional

and acne-filled time of your life.

Whoa, and you are up way too late,

which means I failed again.

- I'm gonna be a terrible mother.
- I love you, Riley.

I'm gonna be the greatest
mom that ever lived.

Oh, hey, Tuck.

I'm sorry you didn't
get to meet the princess.

Oh, I met her.

Yeah, let's just say the
story has a happy ending.

And if that wasn't clear, we did it.

I think we need to find a different
show for you start watching.