06x06 - The Third Wheeler

[bunniefuu]

Now remember. You can't tell your
teacher that all we had for breakfast

was cookies and chocolate milk.

Though, I suspect she'll
figure it out soon enough.

Oh, hey guys. How's it
going? How is everybody?

Did you press the button? God, Ben,
why didn't you press the button?

Apparently we're not the
only ones who started our day

with a half-pound of sugar.

I'm sorry. Sorry, Danny's
been reading this baby book

our doctor recommended,
and it's become his bible.

I'm just trying to get out of here
before he gives me any more advice.

He's suddenly monitoring every moment
of my day for the good of the baby.

I'm sorry, I'm still back
at "Danny's reading a book."

You know what? I'm just
going to take the stairs.

- Sweetie, hi!
- Oh hey, ha!

I just ran down to grab you a cab

because you shouldn't be
waiting outside on the curb.

Oh, you know what? I can actually walk.

No, no, but you shouldn't!

According to my book, you're making a
spinal cord and fingertips this week.

Ha ha! I mean, I could never do that.

Oh, you don't have to...
Oh, we're doing this.

Oh, sorry, bro. You
mind taking the next one?

Trying to minimize germ exposure.

It's gotta be an audio book, right?

Man, now we're really late.

Rocket ship.

Ooh, perfect!

Rocket ship Emma is ready for takeoff.

Wowza, that was one
hell of a conjugal visit.

Tell the warden I want a
copy of the security tape.

Oh, Bon-bon,

I'm just so glad I can spend these
brief fleeting moments with you.

Prison can be such a terrifying place.

I think one of
the guards has it out for me.

Oh my God! Is he roughing you up?

Worse!

He's refuses to let me
audition for the prison's

upcoming production of Guys and Dolls,

and I know I would be perfect for it!

You have to pee in front of that guy,

and that's your biggest problem?

I just gotta get out of here.

I can't believe the DA is
letting me rot away in here

while Bustamonte, the real
mastermind of the whole scheme,

is out there breathing
the fresh scent of freedom.

Wait. Luis Bustamonte?

My boss, Luis Bustamonte,

he's the one who put you up to this?

Yes! He also made me try
paella for the first time.

I loved it...

and so I trusted him.

Okay, but you know, if you can
prove he's the one behind it,

then maybe you can
get some kind of deal.

Brad, you have to say something.

I've tried. I'm willing to sing,

but nobody wants to listen.

Seriously, I do a spot on Adelaide.

They've just gotta let me audition.

Listen, don't you worry, sweetie, okay?

We are going to get you out
of this horrible situation.

Thank you.

I'm even willing to play Sky Masterson.

Prison, Brad.

We're going to get you out of prison.

Oh, hey, I didn't expect you to be here.

You know those cookies
are expired, right?

Sadly, I did know that.

Sorry, it's just Danny only
lets me eat healthy food now.

I was this close to biting
into a vanilla-scented candle.

So, uh, what's with all the work?

It just keeps piling up ever
since I got that promotion.

Promotion? When did you get a promotion?

Oh, a few weeks ago.

I guess I forgot to tell you.
Life has been a little crazy.

Ah, life. She kicks you when you're down

and downs you when you're kicking.

There's meaning in there somewhere.

Well, congrats on the promotion, though.

Is there anything else
you're not telling me?

Ah, let's see...

I'm at w*r with my mother,

I hate everyone I work with,

and my body does disgusting things

whenever I sneeze, laugh or cough.

That's pretty much it.

Hey, what do you say we go for dinner

tomorrow night and have
a proper catch-up?

Oh, Ben, I'd love to, but I...

Riley, friendship is like a plant.

If you don't nurture it, it dies.

Case in point, all of my plants.

Oh, here you are.

I got everything we need
for an amazing dinner.

All green super foods
which are essential

for building proper brain function.

Our kid is going to be a genius.

Yeah, Danny. I'm sure all
you needed was more kale.

Well, I'm pretty sure you're not
the authority for healthy baby foods,

Mr. Cookies-for-Breakfast.

I thought we had a deal.

Okay, let's go. Um, so, tomorrow night?

- Tomorrow night.
- What's tomorrow night?

It's the day after today.

Oh, cool, thanks, babe.

It's normal for friends to grow apart.

- We'll never grow apart, will we?
- We'll see.

Riley!

My God, Mrs. Wheeler.
What are you doing here?

Okay, look.

I know how we can finally
get Brad out of prison.

It turns out that my boss, Luis,

was behind the entire thing.

And we are not gonna to rest

until we catch Luis and free Brad.

All right, I'll be at my apartment.

Call me when you have something.

Luis?

He was the first person
the police investigated.

The DA concluded he was clean.

The DA is in on it too.

This goes all the way up to the top.

God, Riley, haven't
you ever seen a movie?

Mrs. Wheeler, I'm sorry, but unless
you have a confession from him,

the court made their decision.

I mean, my hands are tied.

- Riley?
- Um...

I'm just taking out the trash.

Oh, hey, Tucker. I need your help.

Does it involve assisted
su1c1de or trying

to smuggle you out of the country?

No... not this time.

Look, I just found out that my boss

is the reason Brad is in prison.

I need to get a confession out of him.

Wait, wait, let me guess. You're a...

you're gonna do a
little boob-boob-seduce?

Also known as your answer to everything.

God, you are so predictable.

Ow!

I bet you didn't predict that.

Come on, this is serious.

I have some spy equipment
we could use to record him.

- Really?
- Yeah.

That'll be perfect.

Wait. Why do you have spy equipment?

I'll tell you if you tell me
why that guy comes to your house

every night at eight o'clock.

- And we've reached a stalemate.
- Mmm.

Well, it has been
really, really great...

catching up with the two of you.

I had no idea of the
prenatal benefits of cacao.

Although I do really like saying, cacao.

Oh, I got it.

- He really wanted to come.
- I want a do-over.

Here you go.

And, dude, that baby
book is really helpful.

You should totally borrow it sometime.

It might help you be a
little more responsible.

Danny, you don't learn
about parenting from a book.

Well, mom had a whole shelf of them.

Point made.

You got your cover story down?

Yep, yep. I'm gonna tell
him that I was propositioned

by a client for some shady deal

that's technically illegal

but would make us a fortune.

I'll earn Luis's trust,

he'll spill about his involvement
with Brad, and if all goes well,

I won't even have to take my shirt off.

You better not or
you'll loosen the wire.

At least let me check the volume.

What the hell was that?

Wires must be a little frayed.

I've had this stuff in my
drawer since my th birthday.

Oh, son of a crap-burger.

What the hell, stop that!

Okay, God. I just won't touch the
volume button and we should be good.

Yeah! Don't.

Okay.

Ahh!

My bad, last time, I promise.

Hello, Luis.

Bonnie!

I'm so glad you suggested
we meet for a drink.

It's nice to get out of
the office once in a while.

Well, I actually just
needed a little advice.

See I was talking to this client...

Aah!

- Are you okay?
- Mm-hmm.

I'm fine. Totally fine.

... who proposed this investment,

that while extremely lucrative,

could be slightly...

... illegal.

So, um, what would you do

or might have done in such a situation?

And please, speak clearly,

and try to enunciate every word.

Ah, Bonnie, you were
smart to come to me.

When it comes to "creative
real estate financing,"

I wrote the book. Seriously,

I'll give you an autographed copy.

Aah!

- Need help?
- No, I'm all right.

So go on, you were...

... saying. Ahh!

Um, you know what, Luis, I'm gonna...

Excuse me for just one
second. I was just gonna...

Aah! Ha.

Okay, ah!

I'm serious, girl. You make bacon
mad 'cause you're so sizzlin'.

Tucker, what the hell?

Hey. How'd it go?

Oh, I'll show you how it went, okay?

Ahh!

Riley, wait.

I am a grown woman, I can
take the stairs if I want to.

What? No, you, my friend,
are not going to work today

because I am kidnapping you.

Yeah, I don't think so.

Really? 'Cause your boss said
to take all the time you need.

"Hey, this is Riley's
fiancé Danny Wheeler.

"She's super sick and
can't do the law today."

You and I are going hiking.

Nature is the best way
for friends to bond.

Well, so is sex, but
we already did that.

What about Danny?

I won't tell him if you won't.

Look, I miss you.

I miss us.

Riley, friendship is like a car.

I thought you said it was like a plant?

You know, it needs water,
gas, whatever, okay?

Oh, I don't know.

I pre-packed you some shoes, clothes,

sunscreen and way too much jerky.

If it's got four legs,
I've got its jerky.

Come on, what do you say?

I'd say you're pretty amazing.

So, did you actually
see him read the book?

We're all going hiking today.

See? What did I tell you?

Only an hour out of the city
and we're already back to nature.

Honestly, this is exactly what I needed.

Oh my God, did I tell you about
this girl Rhonda from my office?

- Is she hot?
- Not really.

I'm out.

But she has two vag*na’s.

And I'm back in.

Hey!

What do you think you're doing?

Oh, no, it's okay.

See, I'm just following
my fiancée and my brother

to make sure nothing happens.

No, no, not like that.

Although it has in the past.

But he's just kind of
a screw up, you know?

See, I'm the good son.
It's a whole siblings' dynamic thing.

And I'm guessing you're
also the stupid son 'cause...

you're standing in a
patch of poison ivy.

I'm sorry, I didn't get the confession.

We had a slight technical problem.

Technical problem?

Whatever happened to
the old boob-boob-seduce?

I wanted to...

but Double-O-Dumb-Dumb
decided we should use his

janky-ass spy gear instead.

But, you know, until I
can get you out of here,

I smuggled you in something.

Is it pomade?

I could really use a
hit of the good stuff.

I've been making my own out of
mayonnaise packets and Jell-O powder.

Do not smell my hair.

No, no.

It's a phone.

Now we can video chat.

Yes!

But can we do it after
ten in the morning?

I lead a sunrise yoga
class for cell block C.

I'll make a note of that.

And, honey, I know that
you'll think of something

to nail that rat bastard, Luis.

It's just ironic how hard
it is to get a confession

out of a guy who confesses all the time.

Wait, what are you talking about?

Oh, Luis is an extremely
devout Catholic.

He goes to church like every day.

Hey, can we come back in a month?

They're doing a prison
production of Guys and Dolls.

Tucker...

do you consider
yourself a religious man?

Oh, man.

This really brings me back.

Did you go to Catholic school?

Sure. Let's go with that.

Forgive me,
Father, for I have sinned.

Yes, my child. Tell me about your sins.

With as much detail as possible.

Well, I'm guilty of stealing.

I took a co-worker's yogurt from
the fridge without telling him.

You know what, God is fine
with office shenanigans.

Now, uh, let's get to the big picture.

And remember, the Lord,
he likes dates and times.

Honestly, there's nothing I
have not already confessed before.

Ah...

You know what? You probably
confessed with Gary.

He got fired.

Something about him, a nun,
and a rabbi walk into a bar.

Forgive me father, for I have sinned.

The voices are telling
me to do bad things again.

Luis?

No, it's Timothy.

You know, just say the Lord's
Prayer and a few Bloody Marys,

you should be good, man.

Just as I thought...

we're lost.

"Let's leave our cell phones at
home so nobody bugs us."

Brilliant plan, Ben.

Yeah, well, joke's on you
because I didn't even have a plan.

Well, maybe you should've.

I mean, taking a pregnant
woman hiking without a map

or enough food is
completely irresponsible.

- Hey, we have a ton of food.
- Not anymore.

I brought like ten pounds of jerky.

Yeah, well, I brought
like pounds of baby.

Whoa!

What was that?

Was that a bear?

Oh my God, run!

Here you go!

Would an irresponsible person

forage you a delicious meal of
hand-picked nuts and wild berries?

Um, those are rocks, and
your berries are moving.

Are you sure this is going to work?

Don't worry. These babies
get great reception.

Not the first time I've
been here before, am I right?

Oh, honey, you love Boob Canyon.

Ooh! Incoming.

Mom. Mom, I need your help.

Wait, Tuck, why do you
have my mom's phone?

I'm taping her phone to
her chest to entrap someone.

Ah, been there.

But I really need your help!

I'm lost in the woods,
I can't find Riley.

I think I have poison ivy and I
twisted my ankle falling out of a tree.

Well, I'm staring into
your mom's chest, so I win.

Bye sweetie, Mommy loves you.
Don't get eaten by a bear.

Bye-bye now.

All right.

He's here, he's here. All right.

Time to catch your boss with your boobs

to get your husband out of prison.

Where did you go wrong, Bonnie?

Luis, what a surprise.

You told me to meet you here at : .

Yeah, well, I was hoping we
could get to know each other

a little better outside of the office.

Ah...

A rose blooms through
the concrete of the city.

These are for you.

Oh, Luis, you shouldn't have.

Again, you told me to.

Where did you learn how to do that?

Started a lot of fires in my day.

That's how I got my nickname.

That boy who started a lot of fires.

Hey, look...

I'm really sorry about all of this.

I just wanted to spend
some time with you.

No, I was the guy you used
to come to with your problems.

The guy you could
talk to about anything.

You know, that's cool,
things change. I get it.

Ben, I'm scared.

Don't worry, someone will find us.

No, not about this...

about this.

About being a mom. I
don't know if I can do it.

I mean, I know Danny's going
to be an amazing father.

He's set the bar so high,

I'm terrified of disappointing him.

I mean, he wants everything
to be perfect, and...

I don't know if I can be perfect.

I just, I really don't
want to screw this up.

Wait, so you're saying you're
worried about disappointing Danny

and I'm the only one
you can talk to about it?

Yes!

Riley, there's no such
thing as a perfect parent.

And yes, having a kid is terrifying.

You constantly worry whether or
not you've made the right choices.

But all that worrying,

and self-doubt...

that's what's going to
make you an amazing mother.

And I can already tell,
you're going to be incredible.

Thank you, Ben.

See, this is why I always need you.

Hey!

What are you doin'?

You can't build a fire there.

Oh my God, we're saved!

We have been lost out here for hours.

No food or water. I
literally almost ate a frog.

Well, too bad you didn't
walk another feet,

'cause you would've run
into the parking lot.

Oh yeah, it's right through there.

Let's be honest,

there's no way he could pull
off that scam all on his own.

Really?

You think someone else was involved.

Come on!

Brad's most impressive
organ isn't his brain.

Mmm.

Oh, but the genius who
pulled off that scam, now...

that's the guy that I
would like to meet. Hmm.

- You would?
- Oh yeah!

And if he was Latin, oh boy,

I would show him my tierra Del fuego.

Oh! It's me! It's me, Bonnie.

I am the genius you speak of!
I did it, I did it, I did it!

- Really?
- Really.

So you're saying that
you were the mastermind

behind the entire real estate scam,

and that Brad was just a mere pawn?

I am. Though I do honestly wish

Brad was here so I could
explain to him how sorry I am.

Well, then you're in luck...

- Aha!
- Aha!

Caught you, you rat bastard!

Brad! What are you
doing in Bonnie's bosom?

We concocted this whole scheme
to get your confession...

and you took the bait.

How could you, Luis? I trusted you.

But you have to believe me...

I only turned you in because I
thought you were going to turn me in.

I would never do such a thing.

Please, forgive me, Brad.

I can't...

because I already have.

Oh!

Oh, Brad.

Okay, all right, you
know what, get off of me!

Okay.

Now go do the right thing
and turn yourself in.

Uh... no.

We hugged it out.

I forgave him, he forgave
me. That's how it works.

Not sure why you unhooked my bra.

That's how I work.

Adios, Brad. I'll see
you in five to ten.

What? Wait, Luis!

What... why aren't we going after him.

We can't let him get away!

Oh, don't worry, honey.

We got his entire confession on camera.

Hell yeah, I got it!

Woo-Hoo!

Hey, is green on or off?

Oh, I didn't get it.

Hey, bro. I was...

If you're here to give me advice
from your stupid baby book,

I'm good.

I know I never tell you this...

but you're a great brother,

and a great dad.

Oh my God, are you dying?

You can't leave me here with Mom.

Sometimes I feel like I'm going crazy

and the baby's not even here yet.

I just want everything to go perfectly.

You make it all seem so easy.

Man, when it comes to
kids, there is no perfect.

Nothing in your book
is going to prepare you

for the roller coaster
that is being a parent.

And you really need to
cut Riley some slack, man.

She's already pretty terrified.

I know, man.

Hey, uh,

you wanna help me burn this book?

Um, I've got a better idea.

Blame Tucker! Blame Tucker!

Do you really think I can get
Luis's confession again?

I'd be shocked if you didn't.

Wait a minute.

I don't see Luis.

Ahh!

- You!
- Oh!

Ow, ow, ow, ow, ow!

- Yeah, come here, come here.
- Ow!