06x08 - You Cruise, You Lose

[bunniefuu]

Dude! Are you okay?

Tucker! I think that's her!
I think that's Elle!

Oh my... I thought you were
totally over Elle, man.

At least that was the impression
I got last night

when you were all,
"I'm totally over Elle."

Yeah, well, that was until
she walked into my bar.

Just wish there was a subtle way
I can get her attention.

I don't know. You think that's her?

I know. Hey, Elle!

Is your name Elle? No? Okay.

It's not her.

Okay, you're right. I guess I don't
know who I saw on the street

six months ago.

Maybe I am starting' to sound
like a crazy person.

Maybe? Ben, this whole concept
of strangers falling in love

and searching for each other
is ridiculous.

Ben!

Oh... my... god. It's really you.

Megan said she saw you here,
but I didn't believe her.

Six... months, I waited for you.
I'm about to get married

across the street, and this is
when you decide to show up?

I gotta go.

Who was that?

I have no idea.

You seriously don't know who that was?

Not a clue, but whatever we did,
I was apparently very good at it.

- Let's go.
- Wait. Where?

Um, she just said she's getting
married across the street, man.

We'll... We'll walk in,
we'll snag a program,

and hopefully some dark
corner of your brain

will remember what
you did to that girl.

I don't know, man. My brain's got
an awful lot of dark corners.

Oh my god, this ship is amazing.

Twenty-four hours of activities
mixed with hours of food?

Am I dead?
Because this must be heaven.

Twenty-four hours of salty,
sunny, delicious heaven.

You know what else this ship has?

A chapel...

ha, could be pretty romantic.

Please, tell me you're joking,

because that is so not happening
while I look like this.

Hah! Course I'm joking...

Hey, guys!

I was just scoping out your cabin
before I leave.

It turns out it's true what they say...

it's much easier to get drunk at sea.

We're not at sea.

Really? Because I'm shipwrecked.

Aye, aye, aye.

Woo... well, hello, Captain.

Mmm.

Thank you again.

I... I can't believe you and Brad
gave us a cruise.

Well, if you consider
your poor legal skills

the reason Brad's in prison,

then you sort of
gave yourself this cruise.

Aw... well, I guess that means
goodbye, Mrs. Wheeler.

Or in nautical terms, shove off.

I'll be right in.

I'm just gonna walk Mom out.

Hey, Mom, can you keep a secret?

Oh, sure I can. Just ask
your sister in Phoenix.

The next time you see me,
I'm gonna be a married man.

- Riley and I are going to elope.
- You're what?

This cruise is gonna be perfect.

It's just gonna be us and
the open ocean, all alone,

and I'm gonna overwhelm her
with so much romance,

she'll forget why she keeps
saying "No, no, no,"

and she'll finally say "Yes! Yes! Yes!"

Ahh... I'm sorry,
it's just so romantic.

Danny... you're gonna
get married without me?

But... you're my first born, my baby.

You were there at my first wedding,
I should be there at yours.

Well, you just can't be.

And I need you to be happy
for me, Mom.

- I love you.
- Oh, sweetie, I love you, too.

Ex... Excuse me...

Is this the Aloha deck?

I... I'm looking for B.

Oh, um... ha-ha. Lemme see this.

You know what?

Here is the problem. You are
actually on the Sayonara deck.

Yeah, that's just two floors
down, take a left,

a left, another left, and there's two
more lefts and it's right there.

No, wait, it's left there,
you'll see it.

Uh, you'll see it.

"Sayonara." Man, I cr*ck myself up.

Oh... damn it!

Sorry!

Got it.

I told the usher
that I was the groom's cousin

Chester, and that I'd just
driven in from Poughkeepsie,

where I have a summer job
working in a timber mill.

I mean, the pay is decent
but the hours suck.

I may have given too much detail.

Her name's Annabelle, but I
don't know any Annabelles.

- Are you sure?
- A hundred percent.

I always rhyme girls' names
so I don't forget them.

Cassie, really sassy... you know...
Lauren, kinda boring'.

Suzanne, turned out to be a... well,
we don't need to talk about Suzanne.

But uh, yeah, no, uh, no Annabelles.

Yeah, man, well, she
sure seems to know you.

Which is why we should probably
get the hell...

Be cool, be cool.

I know.

Oh... my... god, I can't believe you
actually had the nerve to show up.

Hi. Tucker Dobbs.

My associate here can occasionally
be described as a horrible person,

so any insight you have into his
actions would be greatly appreciated.

What he's trying to say...

You don't even know who she is, do you?

- Yeah, that.
- Hah! That's too bad,

since you're apparently
soul mates, who happened

to bump into each other
at a bar, on a train,

and her favorite juice place
all in one day two years ago.

At least that's the way she's
told it to me... times.

Dude, this is just like you and Elle.

This is nothing like me and Elle.
Dude, let's get outta here.

Oh! You're not going anywhere!

The wedding was supposed
to start minutes ago,

but Annabelle refuses
to come out of the bridal suite.

So... you're gonna go in there
and tell her the truth.

You have no idea who she is, and
no feelings for her, whatsoever.

Oh, my morning after speech. Gotcha.

Danny! Hi... where have you been?

You missed the couples-only
skeet sh**ting showdown!

I'm sorry, but I was busy securing
us a private lunch on the back deck.

It might not be a contest,
but... you already won my love.

Oh god, I can't even
think about food right now.

I've already hurled three times today.

That might have less to do
with being pregnant,

and more to do with the
hot dog eating contest...

that I won.

Well, maybe you should go lie down.

Or, even better,
we could go lie down together.

I'm sorry, there is no way I can
even think about lying down

right now when there is
so much for us to do.

All right, there is a ping pong
trophy with our name on it.

No, seriously, I put our name
on it, I am that confident.

Oh... will you go get our camera,
I want a picture of our big win.

Not the picture I was hoping'
to be posing' for... but sure.

Thank you.

Of course I am Edgar... Baldersnatch.

Mm.

You think I had it bad,
my dad's name was Mary.

Mom? What are you doing' here?

What? God, who are you?
What year is it? Help!

Mom, you can't just fake memory loss

every time you wanna
get outta something'.

Uch! Fine! I refuse to let you
and Riley get married without me.

Well, there might not be a wedding.

Every time I try to bring it up,
she runs off to another activity.

All right. I will help you
convince Riley to marry you,

but I want something in return.

An invite to the ceremony.

Fine. But I want something
in return, too.

Help getting' Riley to marry me.

Okay. You drive a hard
bargain, but I'm in.

Go away.

Hey, it's Ben.

Oh, my god! You came for me!
I knew you would!

Well, at least one part of me
seems to remember you.

And everyone said I was crazy.
Well, who's crazy now? Not me!

Because you're here!

I am so sorry that I ever
doubted our connection.

I should've never stopped looking.

Yeah, about that connection.

How to put this delicately.

I honestly have no memory
of you whatsoever.

You have amnesia?
Can this get any more romantic?

No! No, n... no, I...
I don't know who you are.

I don't remember seeing you,

I've never spent even a second
thinking about you.

What?

No! That's... That's not true.

How else do you explain the fact
that you're standing here now?

I'm easily led astray and your maid
of honor is slightly terrifying?

Oh my god!

Oh my god, this cannot be happening.

I... I obviously can't
marry Carlos now.

Wait! You're calling off
the wedding because of me?

Of course because of you!

And I don't care
if you remember me or not.

You're here on my wedding day.
It's clearly a sign.

Hey, this Carlos, he's not
like a big guy, is he?

No! He's actually
quite small for a boxer.

So... when are you gonna
see her again?

Annabelle? How about never?

Well, what if you guys
really do have a connection?

I mean, she's got boobs and a pulse,
so yeah, we've got a connection,

but not a call-off-your-wedding
kinda connection.

Who does that?

You! You would do that!

Let's just say I actually believed

in your... your stupid, she's-the-one
soul mate nonsense, okay?

Maybe this whole Elle business was
just the universe telling you

that there really is someone
out there for you,

and maybe that someone is Annabelle.

I don't know...
what do you think, Emma?

Go out with her.

Well, I suppose since she
called off her wedding,

she probably
doesn't have any plans tonight.

Hey, don't forget to
sign up for the raffle.

The winner gets
to drive the boat.

Twenty bucks a ticket, huh?
No? Okay, all right.

Mom! What are you doing?

Brenda Wong, cruise director,
at your service.

How is that gonna help
get Riley to marry me?

Unless you stage
a wedding competition,

she's not gonna show up.

Wait. Should we stage
a wedding competition?

Riley'll do anything to win.

No, but what I can do
is alter the schedule

to make sure that you and Riley
get some alone time together.

For example... lip sync battle at : ,

bah-bye!

That's perfect... now we just need
to get her in the marrying mood.

I've already got you covered.
Show time.

Excuse me... is this chair taken?

Well, I was thinking' about pushing'
'em together to spread out, but... sure.

Is this your first? You and your
husband must be really excited.

Yeah, we are.
Uh, he's not my husband... yet.

And if he continues to blow me off

on this cruise, he'll be
someone else's husband.

Well, what are you waiting for?
It looks like you're about to pop.

Not that it's any of your business,

but, uh... it's...
it's just not the right time.

I was in love
with a wonderful man once.

George. We were gonna get married,

but it was never
"the right time" for us, either.

Sadly, he never came back
from the w*r.

Why not?

Seriously?

He d*ed! It was too late,
we waited too long.

You never know what's gonna happen.
How much clearer do I need to be?

Well, I just think,
if... if you'd married George,

you would've
been a lonely widow, so...

you're really lucky
you dodged that b*llet.

I'm sorry.

I... I'm sure you ended up
meeting a great guy

you never would've met otherwise.

Actually, I did.

I never would've met Harold,
the love of my life

and husband for almost years.

See? So it all worked out.

What a great story. Have a nice day.

Wow, Helen!

Way to stay on message.

Nobody gives a crap about Harold!

I'm so sorry for your loss.
George sounded like a great guy.

He was an ass.

Now how about those drink
tickets I was promised?

No, I don't think so.

The deal was, you got these
if you convinced her.

That wasn't... the deal!

- That was the deal...
- No, it wasn't...

- Yes, it was!
- Were you even in Cats?

- Give it to me!
- No! Just let go!

Ohh!

Wow. Right on top of Edgar.

I'm almost too good at this.

I can't believe
this is really happening.

I know. Me neither.

I think we may actually
have a connection.

This is crazy, but...
maybe you were right.

This is all wrong.

Please tell me you're
talking about the salmon.

No. This... everything.

I mean... I literally feel
nothing for you whatsoever.

Oh, well, don't hold back.

I mean, you're not even a doctor.

Never said I was.

And you don't race motorcycles.

Where would you do that in New York?

And I thought you'd be funny.

I always pictured us
laughing till it hurts.

You didn't like my joke
about the fat guy?

I was actually quite offended.

Oh, my god, everyone was right!

I built up a couple
of stupid coincidences

into this perfect relationship.

I never should've
called off my wedding!

Ben Wheeler, you ruined my life!

Huh. Annabelle,
made her life a living' hell.

Consider yourself remembered!

Only you could ruin it
with someone

who's been obsessed
with you for six months.

I just... I feel so bad for her.

Really? 'Cause I feel bad
for you, man.

You should really stop taking my advice.
I have not been right once.

You know what, Tucker? You were right.

This whole business was the
universe trying' to tell me

that there is someone
out there for me.

But it's Elle, not Annabelle.

And I know it now more than ever.

Too bad I had to ruin someone's
life just to learn that.

Seems like a small price to pay.

- We have to help her.
- What?

Oh, no, man,
we already helped her realize

you're not right for her, that...

that just seems like a
lotta helping in one day.

Ma, you in there?

That's Captain Mom to you, son.

Why are you wearing that?

Because the real captain
is terrible at strip poker.

- So were you able to do it?
- Yep, you two will be

the only passengers
in tonight's dance contest.

Which is now being
held on the top deck...

underneath the stars.

Captain's orders.

That's perfect. Thank you, Mom.

I just know this is gonna be

the romantic kick
in the heart she needs.

We're gonna remember this night
for the rest of our lives.

There she is!

Oh, Baldersnatch!

That's the woman who stole my cabin,

and then she dropped a lady on me!

There's the woman
that tried to k*ll me!

That is absurd!

And as your captain,
I order you to k*ll this woman!

Hey, could you keep it down?
I don't want Riley...

Hey, what is...

Mrs. Wheeler? What are you doing here?

Surprise!

That's it, you know, just "Surprise."

She was trying' to get you
to marry the big one.

Marry him? What are you talking about?

You better lock him down. I would...
if I were into white guys.

Look, Riley, this isn't at all how I
wanted you to find out about this.

I just had this crazy idea

that if the moment was just right,
we could elope on the cruise.

So... instead of spending time
with the woman you love,

you've spent this entire
trip with your mother,

plotting to have a wedding
we've already discussed

we will have after the baby is born.

It's too bad this
cruise doesn't have a

competition for
ignoring your girlfriend,

'cause you would've taken first place.

Riley...

I seriously cannot thank you enough.

At least my obsession turned out
to be a sweet, thoughtful guy.

Yeah, you really don't get me at all.

So...

Not happening.

I can't believe
you were able to convince Carlos

to give me a second chance.

Come on, you're an amazing girl.

You ready to marry
the love of your life?

Well, I'm not sure that really
exists, but... he's a good guy.

Okay, I'm ready.
You can signal the minister.

Wait! Wait, wait, wait,
wait, wait, hold it!

Isn't he the one?

Your soul mate, isn't that
why you're marrying him?

Y... You just proved to me
the one doesn't exist.

But he's pretty great.

Let's go.

Hold, hold, hold, hold, hold!

Pretty great? My breakfast
burrito was pretty great.

Pretty great shouldn't
lead you down the aisle.

Awesome, amazing,
can't live without you.

Those are the things
you should be feeling

about the person you're gonna marry.

The way you felt about Carlos
before you ever walked into my bar.

You're right.

I totally get it.

Great! Let's do this!

No, I don't feel any of those things.

Thanks, Ben.
Can you tell Carlos for me?

Bye!

Wait! Where are you going?

Well, maybe if we'd been allowed
to pack before we got kicked off,

I wouldn't have forgotten my keys.

I'll get the spare set
from the office.

Whoa.

What is all this?

You kidding me? I just said I
didn't want to get married.

This wasn't me, I swear.

Oh, yeah, okay, there just
miraculously happens to be

a wedding set up at the bar where
we have to come get our keys?

You are honestly unbelievable.

- Riley...
- Seriously, stop trying to marry me.

Don't worry. I'm done.

Forgive me for wanton'
to tell the world

that I found the most perfect girl,

and I wanna spend
the rest of my life with her.

See, I don't care where it happens
or what you look like when it happens.

I just want it to happen!

Because to me, you're everything!

I'm so sorry if that makes
me a terrible person.

Danny...

Riley? Hey, what are you doing' here?

Your mom stowed away and got
us kicked off the cruise ship.

Ohh. I was wondering
why I had such a nice weekend.

Hey, any chance you wanna
help me clean up this wedding

I was trying' to throw
for a girl I don't know?

Wait. This isn't for me?

Uhh, no, and I don't know
if anyone's ever told you this,

but you can be a tad self-centered.

There you are!

- Hey, Mom.
- I've been calling you for hours!

Are you okay?

I don't know. Riley and I
had a really big fight.

Oh, honey, well, why don't we
just go inside and talk about it?

What is all this?

It's our wedding.

I've been putting this off
for all of the wrong reasons

when I should have been focused
on the one right reason...

that I wanna spend
the rest of my life with you.

So what do you say?

Will you marry me?

You sure?

I've never been more sure
about anything.

Shall we?

Dearly beloved,
we are gathered here today

to celebrate the marriage
of Danny and Riley.

I'm sorry for getting' you into
that whole mess with Annabelle.

It's okay. I'm going' for drinks
with Carlos next week.

He's gonna teach me how to box.

At least that's what
I hope he's doing.

He kept saying,
"I can't wait to get you in the ring."

Well, good luck with that.

I'm off.

Hey, you end up getting' a date
with Vikki?

Oh, no. New York is full of weddings,

and weddings are full of bridesmaids.

The math is on my side.

It's only a matter of time.