06x09 -The Rebound

[bunniefuu]

Oh, by the way, congratulations

on never having sex with
anyone else ever again.

- You mean getting married?
- Yeah, that's what I said.

Hold the elevator.

Let go.

So, how's it goin'?

Oh, I'll tell you how it's goin'.

Not good.

Worst week of my entire life.

One day, we're running down
the beach in Aruba hand-in-hand,

and the next, it's a text that says
"I never want to see you again."

How could he do this to me?

We were so good together.

I mean, I should have seen the signs.

Sometimes, he would
pretend to be

asleep when I started
talking to him...

Dude. You just missed an epic meltdown.

Apparently, Sondra got dumped.

Seems fair to me.

She broke his ears
and he broke her heart.

Hey, really?

She broke up with Dr. Mike?

But they were so happy together.

They just got back from Aruba.

Uh, why do you know so much
about Sondra's love life?

No reason. Man, I...
I see things online.

He likes her.

That-that-that-
that-that-that's not true.

Yes, it is.

I liked you better
when you couldn't talk.

♪ It's amazing how the unexpected ♪

♪ Can take your life
and change direction ♪

Yeah, yeah, okay?

Sometimes, I still think about Sondra.

So do I, you know,
when the smoke alarm

goes off or the
teapot screeches.

Dude, but she was funny, and nice,

and she made me feel special.

Honestly, I broke up with her

because I was tired of people
always giving me such a bad time.

But sometimes, those
people were funny about it.

Dare I say "clever"?

You know what I'm gonna do?
I'm gonna go up there right now,

and I'm just gonna tell her how I feel.

No, no, dude.

You never wanna be the
guy right after a breakup.

That's the rebound
guy, and he never lasts.

You wanna be the guy
after the rebound guy.

He's got the best chances
of going the distance.

Wait. So I'm just supposed
to wait around for her

to find some rebound guy.
How long is that gonna take?

Well, in her case, possibly forever?

Yo. I'll be your rebound
guy. I've left tons of girls,

who then met the men of their dreams,

and went on to live
happy, fulfilling lives.

True. I mean, you are their
last stop before happiness.

Dude, this could work.

Yeah, let's make a
list of all the places

you could pretend to run into Sondra.

- How about the lobby?
- And my list is done.

You want a sandwich?

♪ I got my dumplings on my belly ♪

♪ And I'm feelin' fine

♪ Gonna have me some mushu

♪ It's Chinese food time

Yep. Just a minute.

Aw. Damn it.

I was trying to get
you to open the door.

I figured you could use
some exercise, chubs.

Yeah, well, you only
crawl to the front door

three times before you
figure that one out.

Oh.

Hey, Ma, Riley and I are
about to head out to dinner.

- What's this?
- Oh, that's just the end of her lunch.

She doesn't like to
stop eating for too long.

Good evening, everyone.

I'm Roger, Ms. Perrin's assistant.

I try to remind people who I
am because I'm often forgotten.

Oh, hey. Isn't this that
cool stroller we wanted?

It's from Ms. Perrin's mother.
She had it delivered to the office,

and I thought I should
bring it right over.

It's advanced in design
and very comfortable.

There weren't any seats on the subway.

I should go.

Oh, my God.

Aw, don't you just love it?

That was so thoughtful of my mom.

Yeah. Mom, take our picture
so we can send it to her.

Oh. Yeah, sure, okay.

Cheese.

All I know is that you guys are
gonna be thrilled with my gift.

I mean, it is perfect.

So, um, what would you guys
consider a perfect gift?

Well, there is this crib
we've kind of had our eye on.

Oh, yeah, a crib. Yes.

I mean, a crib is way
cooler than a stroller.

Consider it done.

Oh, God. Is that the price?

Just throw some blankets
in an old cardboard box.

I mean, that's what
I did with Ben and

Danny and they
turned out fine...

ish.

But, Mom, don't worry about it.

- It's too expensive.
- No, no, no.

A crib is what you want, and a
crib is what you're gonna get.

God, I wonder if I'm sober
enough to sell my blood.

Aw, what the hell. Whoever gets
it is gonna have a great time.

Oh, dang. I gotta get me one of these.

Hey, uh, I know we talked about
that crib, but it's pretty big.

Where we gonna put it?

Oh, well, I was kind
of assuming we'd

get a new place once
the baby arrives.

You wanna move? But I love living here.

Kenny, the kitchen sink doesn't work,

none of the cabinets close, and
there's zero room for the baby.

I mean, we need a new place.

But the baby lives in such
a small place right now.

I mean, how much room does it need?

And we live so close to
my mother and my brother.

Exactly.

So, when you start listing things
for the pro column, let me know.

Ben.

I forgot to tell you, don't
forget to talk about cats.

All right? Sondra loves cats.

She's also really fond of rainbows,

so if you can connect
the cats to the

rainbows, then you're
definitely in.

Cats and rainbows.

Wow, she is special.

I'm sorry. I've just been
thinking about her a lot lately,

and I don't want you to screw this up.

Tucker, please. You're
talking to the master.

Okay? I don't need
any of your lame tips.

Oh. Here she comes.

Uh, hey, Sondra. Hold the elevator.

Thanks.

Wow. You look so nice today.

Did I ever tell you about
my cat named Rainbow?

There.

One kitchen repair done.

Oh!

Hi, husband. Aw, I
just love saying that.

Whoa. Why are you all wet?

Um, wet with sweat.

It's sweat.

Just had a crazy hard workout.

I was about to run my head under the
faucet, but I'll wait until you're gone.

Um, hey, remember the other
night when you said we should move

because of all the stuff
that's wrong with the apartment?

If It was fixed, I think we should stay.

Yeah... like that's ever gonna happen.

Oh, it's happening.

Whoa. Ah.

Uh, Mrs. Wheeler?

Oh. Surprise!

It's here. The crib you wanted.

All assembled and ready for the baby.

A human baby?

Did you find this on a curb?

Hey. I had to fight somebody for this.

He wanted to throw
it in a garbage truck.

- Are you sure it's safe?
- Of course, it's safe.

Oh! Oh!

And the best part is,

it's collapsible for easy storage.

Hey, man, you better get out of here.

Sondra's gonna be here any minute.

Yeah, okay, but-but
just so we're clear...

you're gonna respect the Bro Code
and not sleep with her, right?

Well, if I do, I won't
know if you got mad,

because I k*lled myself
immediately after.

Okay.

Knock-knock. Guess who.

Oh, I'd know that knock-knock anywhere.

I have to say, I never thought I'd
be having drinks with Ben Wheeler.

Oh. I brought those
pictures you wanted to see

of Mr. Whiskers and Professor
Mustard in their shower caps.

Oh, right. Yeah, yeah. Two seconds.

Okay, I'm ready.

So, Sondra... what have you been up to?

Oh, my God, so much.

This morning on my way
to the grocery store,

I saw a produce stand with
local fruit, but not organic.

Anyway, the grocery store has
organic fruit but not local.

So what am I supposed to do?
Because

I'm very particular
about my fruit.

Especially stone fruits.
Stone fruits are

harvested between
June and September,

so that makes them summer fruits,
you know, like peaches or plums...

I mean, I only came here to tell
you that I wasn't interested,

but here I am... interested!

And do you know why?

I really don't know what, um...

You're a great listener.

I already feel like I
can tell you anything.

It's so hard to connect
with people, right?

I went out with this guy the other
day, and we did not connect at all.

But I guess it's like
my Aunt Pari said

right before she fell
into that sinkhole,

"Sondra, you never know
when you're gonna fall!"

Whoa. Whoa, whoa, back up.

You went out with
someone after Dr. Mike?

Oh, my God, that is so sweet.

You're jealous.

But you have nothing to worry
about, he was just the rebound guy.

You know, the one after the serious
relationship that never works?

That's not a hard and fast rule.

Well, it's the person
after that that

really means something,
and that's you.

Isn't that great timing?

My mom was right, they just don't
make these bottles big enough.

Are you kidding me?

Wait. So she already went
out with the rebound guy,

and if I would have asked
her out like I wanted to,

then she'd be crushing on me now?

Dude, you're missing the bigger picture.

My rebound theory completely works.

You're gonna up there right
now, and you're gonna dump her.

You got it.

Can I do it next week, though? She
got us tickets to my favorite band.

Oh. Hey, babe. How are ya?

Haven't seen you all day.

Yeah, that's 'cause I've
been at work all day.

It's almost : , and I'm
exhausted. All I wanna do...

Is sit down, kick back, and
have a nice, long dinner?

Oh, my God, that sounds amazing.

Oh. Perfect. Let's go right now.

Or you can go by yourself.

Have you started day drinking?

Wow!

Don't Mr. and Mrs. Wheeler
look super great today?

I kept my name.

Yeah, I know, I was
talking about me and Danny.

But, listen, I need you, okay?

We are going on a little
adventure, so let's go.

Uh, no, I'm not going
anywhere except to bed.

Oh. Well, we are going to
be sleeping out tonight.

Yeah. Go out. Sleep over. Girls' night.

- Whoo!
- Have fun, on me!

Oh, my God! Move, move!

So, as I was saying, Mr. Liu...

If we could just keep this
between us, that'd be great.

You really wanna go
crib shopping right now?

The stores are gonna close
in, like, ten minutes.

I know, that's why we have to hurry.

I found that stupid crib you want,

and the first person in the store
tomorrow morning gets it for % off.

Well then, why are we...

- Huh?
- No.

Oh, no, no.

I am not waiting in line on some
frozen curb all night for a crib.

But I will bring you coffee
first thing in the morning.

Oh, we're not waiting in line.

Why wait in a regular
line when you can recline

in the comfort of the
furniture department?

You know, I have to
say, it was pretty

exciting playing a
pregnant mannequin.

Mm, yeah. Oh.

Is that a dog?

I didn't know they sold dogs here.

Unless they're security dogs.

Yeah, you know what,
you're probably right.

Oh, my God.

Run!

Wait. So you actually
made me come down here

just to tell me that
you think our date

was one of the worst
nights of your life?

Well, besides being a jerk,
I'm also incredibly lazy.

Ben Wheeler, I'm never
speaking to you again.

Dude. What's wrong with you?
Why didn't you ask her out?

I did exactly what you said.

Anybody is gonna look
good compared to me now.

I preheated the oven,
man, put the meat in!

God. Man, come on, I panicked.

Okay? I mean, what if
your theory really is right

and she actually needs a
rebound guy to recover from you?

We'll just find somebody who
won't be real competition for you,

and is naive enough to do exactly
as we say and not ask any questions.

Oh. Hi, guys.

Ms. Perrin's husband...

Mr. Perrin asked me to run and
grab zip ties, a tarp and a hacksaw.

I think he might have k*lled somebody.

Hey, Roger, how would you
like to meet a nice girl?

Well, I'm actually
already seeing someone.

Even better.

Wait. I don't hear barking.
Maybe is gone

I just need something that I can
throw out there to distract him.

What do you weigh now?

Why did I let you force me into this?

Me? If it wasn't for you
and that fancy-ass crib

you insisted that I buy,
we wouldn't even be here.

- That I insisted?
- Yeah.

No. You know what? I am done.

I am done apologizing to you.

Well, you know what, I
am done caring about you.

"I need a million-dollar
crib to put my giant baby in it,

'cause I'm..."

Wow, Mrs. Wheeler.

It really is just so easy for
you to hurt my feelings, isn't it?

You know, I have spent my entire
life trying to get you to like me.

And for what? More
verbal slaps to the

heart than one person
should have to take?

I mean, why don't you like me?

What have I ever done
to you that is so bad?

You know what,
forget it. Never mind.

Well...

You know, Riley, I can't forget it.

Because I agree with you.

I have been hard on you...

but it's not because
I don't care about you.

If I didn't care about
you, I would ignore you.

You're smart...

beautiful...

and you're the best thing
that ever happened to my son.

One of the happiest days of
my life was when you told me

that you were pregnant
with Danny's baby.

You're right, I don't like you.

I love you.

- Really?
- I just said it.

Mrs. Wheeler...

I love you, too.

You know...

you can call me "Mom" now.

Thanks...

Mrs. Wheeler.

I'll get there.

Oh, my God. Dude, what
if Roger screws this up?

Like, what if he makes
Sondra swear off men forever?

Turns her into a
lesbian, and then I got

to get Riley to go in
and switch her back?

Not sure that's how it works,
but I like your train of thought.

Let's think of other
women we can send in.

Dude, where have you been?

You were gone for almost three hours.

I know she's chatty,
and you're spineless,

but good God, man, learn
how to make an exit!

Just tell me what happened. You
casually ran into her in the lobby...

And then I asked her to go
for coffee, just like you said,

but then she asked
me if I was another

"lying son-of-a-bitch
macho-egomaniac."

I wasn't sure what you guys
wanted me to say, so, I said no.

Good answer.

And then we went to this coffee
place, and she started talking,

and talking, and talking,
and then she talked some more.

Yeah, we're familiar with her condition.

Come on, man, just bottom line me, man.

Did you get her to fall for
you like you were supposed to?

I most certainly did.

Excellent. Now all you
gotta do is break up.

- Already done.
- Yes.

It wasn't easy, but I called my
girlfriend and I broke it off.

I'm sorry. You did what?

I had to.

It wouldn't be fair
to keep dating

her, when my heart
belongs to another.

Oh, did you meet someone
when you were out with Sondra?

No. Sondra.

She is the girl of my dreams.

When she talks, I hear angels.

Speaking of which, my angel
is waiting for me upstairs.

Wow. I did not...

Okay, don't worry about it.

- I'll go up and stop Roger.
- No. No, man, I'm done.

I'm done playing your stupid games.

I'm just gonna go up there right
now and tell her how I feel.

Wait, now? No, Tucker, wait.

Hey, bro, let's talk
about this, man, come on.

So I feel a little
guilty, but, oh, my God,

I hope I love my baby as
much as I love my new crib.

That guilt you feel? Push it away.

I switched the price tags
on the coat I'm wearing.

Look at my eyes... nothing.

Danny.

- What are you doing?
- Riley, hi.

Wow. Is it morning? Yeah, it's morning.

Just doing a couple of home repairs.

Okay.

Well, you said if I fixed
all the stuff that was broken,

then maybe we wouldn't have to move.

You're moving?

And I let you hug me.

Danny, I'm sorry. I know
you don't want to move,

but even if we could fix everything
that... you've now broken,

there still won't be
enough room for the baby.

Well, that's actually the
one thing I did finish.

Uh, Danny, that's our linen closet.

Or at least it was when I left
for work yesterday morning.

Do you hate it?

No.

I hate you for making me want
to stay in this apartment.

It's perfect.

Just like you.

- So, uh, Mrs. Wheeler...
- Yeah.

Yeah, I got it. But now what
am I supposed to get you?

You already gave me everything I need...

Mom.

- Yeah, that was weird.
- Yeah, I just...

Dude, I'm sorry, I'm not
gonna let you do this.

If you mess this up again, you're done.

I don't care,

because if I don't
get to see if we

have something, then
I've got nothing.

Seriously, what am I not seeing?

Oh. The boys from D.

What? Did you hear there's a
piece of my heart left unbroken?

- Well, let me tell you. There is...
- Oh, hi guys.

Oh, hey, Rog, what's up, man?

- What are you doing?
- Tucker, hurry up.

Guys? I-I can't open the door!

- Tucker?
- Sondra, I'm sorry.

This was all just one big stupid game.

- Sondra?
- Tucker, get to it!

When I heard you broke up with Dr.
Mike, I just should have come up,

but I-I sent in Ben because I
thought you needed a rebound,

but then you'd already
rebounded, so

then we had to
rebound the rebound,

and then Roger went in and
went rogue, and now here we are.

I'm not really following.

He likes you!

Look, I never should've broken
up with you in the first place.

Is there any way you could
give me a second chance?

Of course there is.

All you had to do was ask.

Dr. Mike was just the rebound from you.

You'll always be my Tuckle-Bear.

Aw, that's gross.

But I just broke up with my girlfriend.

How hot is she? You got a picture?

Just saying, if you need
a rebound guy, I got you.

With the store credit from the
crib, and the big sale tomorrow,

it is gonna be like

Christmas in July for you.

Oh, and don't you worry
about those doggies.

Luckily, this place sells
ground beef and sleeping pills.

So, have you heard?

Sondra and Tucker are dating again.

Yeah, I know, I don't get it either.

I mean, what does she see in him?