06x10 - What's in the Box?!

[bunniefuu]

Come on! You gotta eat somethin'.

I mean, it's almost nine
o'clock, you're usually

on your third breakfast by now.

Sorry, but I'm just way
too nervous to eat anything.

You know what? Maybe
just a waffle to go?

Or... Or two, maybe
two waffles to go?

And will you put some eggs in that?

Honey, this might be the most
important trial of my career.

Defending Brad?

He's not just Brad,

he's your mother's husband.

And if your mother's husband
goes back to jail, I mean,

she's just gonna, peck out my soul

until I'm nothing but a hollow shell.

Oh, you know... maybe
a few pieces of bacon?

Okay, yeah.

Wait. Is this it?

Is this the letter from the doctor

saying what the sex of our baby is?

You've had our baby in your
briefcase this entire time

and you didn't tell me?

No, because we already decided
we didn't wanna find out the sex.

Well, that was a little more
of a "you" than a "we" decision.

Come on, don't you wanna know?

This makes it so real.

Yeah, 'cause up until now, it's
just been this crazy fantasy.

Hey, guys, I've been
doing some spring cleaning,

and thought you might like some
of Emma's old clothes for the baby.

Or you just didn't
feel like doin' laundry.

Don't poke holes in this,
you're getting free clothes.

I so don't have time for this.

All right, wish me luck.

Luck, I predict that thing will be
gone before you hit the elevator.

Look at you, dude!

Your lips don't even move anymore
when you're trying to read!

The sex of our baby is
in this envelope and

Riley doesn't want
to know what it is.

You'd wanna know if you were
havin' a boy or a girl, right?

Hell, yeah. Although I'd have been cool

just knowing I was having a baby.

Why don't you open it?

Because I promised Riley I wouldn't.

Oh, right. Sacred bond. Gotcha.

Which is why I'll open it!

And if we get caught,
we can blame it on Emma.

Honestly, it's one of the
best parts about havin' a kid.

Oh! Pregnancy brain.

What was I thinking?

And you were right.

Dude! It never fails!

Sometimes I wonder if women
can actually smell deceit.

We can.

♪ It's amazing how the unexpected ♪

♪ Can take your life
and change direction ♪

Okay, Mrs. Wheeler, are you
ready to head to the courthouse?

Do you mean am I ready

to see the man of my dreams

locked away?

Am I ready to be left alone,

out in the cold with no one to turn to?

No! No, I am not ready!

Oh, my God! I can't lose him!

Mrs. Wheeler, calm down.

All right? It is gonna be okay.

I know, I was just practicing

for my big moment on the stand.

And if that doesn't sway the jury,

then these babies

definitely will.

Well, they didn't sway me

to make you breakfast this morning.

Okay, all today is about

is getting this thing postponed.

When Bustamonte fled the country,

I managed to get a box of his
files seized at the border.

Box? I mean, what's in the box?

Bank statements that
will hopefully prove

he is the real mastermind
behind the whole scheme.

You're a genius!

But it hasn't arrived.

You're an idiot!

Mrs. Wheeler, this box

is the only thing we have

to prove Brad is innocent.

And, when I say innocent,

I mean only slightly guilty.

Well, I hope we get that old judge

who erased all my parking tickets.

I only had to go to second base

for him for that.

But I am willing

to hit a home run, huh?

No. No, no, no.

Well, unfortunately,
we have Judge Johnson.

Yeah, soon to be known as Lady Justice.

This is her last trial

before she leaves to star

in her own TV show.

And now I'm interested.

And you weren't when it
was just about my husband

spending his life in jail?

Yeah, not so much.

But! But I heard that Judge Johnson

is gonna be the new face of daytime TV.

I was just gonna send her my head sh*t,

but my real head would be better.

Look, you have to help
me get in to see her.

Yeah, yeah, because it's not like
Riley has anything better to do.

Um, I heard her defense, so,
no, I don't think she does.

Okay, you know what?
Brad is gonna be fine.

I am going to win this case,
and he is going to go free.

Okay.

Oh, God, even I don't believe me.
Let's go.

Oh, hey, babe. I feel like I
didn't give you a proper send-off.

I used to kiss your father like that.

He's gay now. Can we go?

Let's do this!

Yeah, all right, you are not coming.

I know. But if you see a
dude there that looks like me,

it's not.

You're just being r*cist.

Oh, come on.

Did you get it?

No, that bag was full
of candy wrappers.

It's like a chocolate cemetery in there.

Brad.

You stay strong. And know that
if things don't go your way,

I will be right here beside you...
at least through the first appeal.

Have no fear, Lady Justice is here.

That little catchphrase is
gonna make me a million dollars.

Uh, Ms. Perrin, I see here
that you're petitioning

to court to postpone this trial.

I... I am, your honor.
I am just waiting

on a box of evidence that
will prove that my client...

Do you actually know what's in this box?

Oh, yes, completely.

Not one hundred percent exactly,
no, but I have a very strong hunch.

Mm. I had a hunch that
leftover Indian food

would make a good breakfast.
So much for hunches.

Petition denied.

So... good news.

We're going to trial.

Excuse me...

Who the hell are you?

Tucker Dobbs. I hope you
don't mind, I let myself in.

I do mind, but I think I know you.

You've been in my court before.

Guilty of breaking
my heart, if I recall.

Uh... that's me.

Uh, first of all, I
just want you to know

that I am a huge fan of your work,

and second, you need me.

What I need is a manicure,
a mai tai, and a boy toy

with an ass so tight I can
bounce a quarter off of it.

Any chance you got change for a dollar?

Uh, no, no. I meant you
need me for your show.

I produced for the Mary
Hart show for two years...

No, forget it, forget it.

I already got a pack of yappy
producers tellin' me what to do.

But what you don't have
is a yappy on-air sidekick.

Right? You know, feedin' you
lines and makin' you look good.

Ooh. I like lookin' good.

Okay. Get yourself a uniform,
I'll let you audition.

And... And start thinking
of some catchphrases.

Yeah, um...

You don't need to wear no pants,

the robe decides what's de evidence.

- Yeah, but not that one.
- Yeah, okay.

Okay. Here's how it's gonna go.

We'll intercept her in a
neutral spot, the coffee shop

on the corner of Wall and Chambers.

While she's focused on shoving a
chocolate croissant down her gullet,

I'll surreptitiously
extract the envelope,

run across the road,
photocopy the contents,

and replace it before she
even knows it went missing.

What do you think? It
honestly cannot be any simpler.

Something tells me it could be.

Look, do you want that envelope or not?

It's not like she's gonna walk
in here and drop it in our laps.

That was a total crap cocktail
with a double crap chaser!

Mrs. Wheeler, it really wasn't that bad.

I mean, honestly, I thought
it was gonna be a lot worse.

Hey, and what are we supposed to do

if we never get that box
of so-called evidence?

Let Brad go to jail just because
he broke a couple of stupid laws?

That is kind of how the system works.

Hey!

What are you two so excited about?

Oh, uh, we're both just really
happy the trial's goin' so well.

It's not.

Then we should probably leave
you alone to strategize, bye!

- Ready?
- Yes!

No, wait!

Okay, tell me.

Wait, no, don't tell me!

- I don't know...
- Oh-ho, too late!

What the hell is this?

Oh my God, it's not a boy or a girl?

What am I having?

It doesn't matter, I
will love it anyway.

No, it's a phone number
to something called

the Baby Place, with a special code.

Oh, I forgot. Yeah, we told the doctor

to send the results to this baby shop

that sends us a cake that's
either blue or pink on the inside,

so we can be surprised. It was my idea.

That's genius. Not the
idea, that was lame.

But now all you have
to do is call the store.

We can't. Only Riley can tell
them where to deliver the cake.

Got it. Hey, yeah,
like, this is Riley Perrin,

and I've got, like, this cake, okay?

That was horrible.
Hi, this is Riley Perrin,

wife of husband Danny
Wheeler? He's a hockey player.

I was horrible?

What the hell is the
matter with you two?

Oh, uh, we're trying
to impersonate Riley

so we can find out the sex of my baby.

Hello? This is Riley
Perrin, and, and I'll sue your ass

if you don't tell me what I'm having!

Well, start dialing!

Pretty big day Emma,
we're about to find out

if you're getting a boy
cousin or a girl cousin.

I want a puppy!

Well, I want a motorcycle
and a girlfriend named Bambi,

but we all have our disappointments.

She finally left.

Oh my God. Is that it? Is that the cake?

No, I just decided to get up
early and do a little baking.

Yes, that's the cake!

Would you like to do the honors?

Yes.

No. I can't.

Or maybe I can. Heh!

You know what? Just give me a minute.

You're gonna be a dad. Man up, dude!

- It's a girl!
- It's a girl!

I'm havin' a girl!

You're havin' a girl!

Finally, someone else will understand

how hard it is to raise a girl.

They look so cute, but they're
really just small women!

Hey, what's that?

I don't know, it came with the cake.

Maybe should've looked at this first.

It seems this cake actually belongs

to a Gordon and Melinda Miller.

Riley's havin' someone else's baby?

No, Danny.

Someone else is havin' Riley's baby?

No, Danny!

- Is Riley...
- Just forget it.

All right, order in the
court. Put your papers away.

We ready to start, and
Lady Justice don't play.

I better bang this gavel before
this court unravels.

When did Tucker become the po-po?

That's prison slang for copper.

Well, he's auditioning
to be her TV bailiff.

Normally, I would just freak out,

but honestly, it's the
least of our problems.

My God! He is gonna make a
mockery of these proceedings!

Okay, Brad, at the first
opportunity, take your shirt off.

Got it.

Okay, Counselor, since you seem
to have no case, no evidence,

and no witnesses, can I assume
that you're just gonna stare at me

until somebody yells "guilty"
and puts you outta your misery?

Oh God, could you?

I mean... Uh, no, no,
I... I have witnesses.

Uh, a witness.

I would like to call the
defendant to the stand.

I need you to stall. We need
time to get that box of evidence.

Got it.

Could you please state
your name and occupation?

Hmm!

Brad... ley!

What are you doing?

Stalling.

Walk... er!

Hey, so congrats on the
baby. Here's your cake.

There was a slight
mishap on the subway,

but good news, you're
havin' a girl!

Really? That's it?

Months of anticipation, people
flying in from around the country

for this party, and
you just blurt it out?

Maybe you'd like to name her, too.

Oh, I like Elisa.

It was on our list, but we
ended up crossing it off,

so feel free to take it.

And in exchange for that priceless gift,

could we possibly take our cake now?

You seem to be busy.

We don't have your cake.

We sent it back when
we read the envelope

and realized it wasn't ours.

Like normal people!

Right, honey?

Actually, I ate it.
Sorry, it's my cheat day.

Oh, well, that's okay,
but what am I having?

Oh-ho... wouldn't you like to know?

Yes! Yes, I would like to know!

And, I believe, the defense rests.

Well, that was a disaster!

Mr. Walker, I suggest that
you get your affairs in order.

Let's take a break.

All right, don't get
your panties in a bunch.

Lady Justice is just breakin' for lunch!

Riley, you have to do something.
I can't go back to jail!

I've already done my screw
you tour of Cell Block C,

plus I gave away my
shampoo and my lucky shiv!

Brad, I am so sorry.
If only she'd allowed us

to postpone, we wouldn't be...

Oh, my God! Oh, my God! Oh, my God!

I have to go to the office,
I will be right back.

What, what, what?

Bon-Bon, what am I gonna do?

Prison is such a cold and lonely
place, and my life is so empty!

Even with the badminton
tournament comin' up.

I know, I know.

Oh, my God. Brad!

Brad! We are completely alone.

No one came to take you back to lockup!

Are you thinking what I'm thinking?

Well, I was thinking
that my life is

pretty much over,
but sure, why not?

No, no, not now!

No. No. I'm busting you out of here.

Just put your head down and
keep going until I say stop.

And if we make it out of here
alive, get used to hearing that.

Problem solved! The Baby Place
said the baker is gone for the day

but they'd send something else instead.

There should be a box here any second.

Oh, man, the anxiety's killin' me.

I knew I never should've
gone behind Riley's back.

Dude, it's your kid, too.
You have the right to know

whether it's comin'
out with a dingley-doo

or a
vee-jingley-jay.

Hi. Did the box come? They called
and said there was a box coming!

Box? What box? Why would there be a box?

Well, they called the office
and said it was on its way,

so I ran all the way over
there before I realized

they might be sending
it to the apartment.

You should probably sit
down, you crazy pregnant lady.

And we'll go look for
this mystery box of yours.

Now, Danny. Let's go now.

I thought she didn't want
to know the sex of the baby.

Dude, her hormones are ragin' right now!

I don't even know what she wants!

Except I'm supposed
to know what she wants!

Hey, she might know about the box...

...but she obviously doesn't know
that we're the ones who called.

I've got a box for a Riley Perrin.

I'm Riley! It can be a boy's name, too.

Thank you. See you later.

Okay, and you're sure they
said it was coming here?

All right, I'll go check my apartment.

Hold on.

Riley Perrin?

Oh, my God, yes, thank
you! You saved my life!

- Mrs. Wheeler?
- Oh! Riley! Hi!

Um, I, um... I just slipped
in here to check on Emma.

I got it! I got the box.
Brad's gonna go free!

What? Really? Oh, my God,
Riley, that's amazing!

- Oh, my God!
- Oh, my God, I'm so happy!

Oh, my God!

Brad, what are you doing here?

Well, you know, it seemed
like you were gonna lose, so...

So you broke him out?

You're right... she is totally not cool.

I know.

Lady Justice is in the house!

Call her up to sue your spouse!

Man, I'm
killin' it out there!

I'm about to k*ll you in here.

What do you think you're
doin' out there, upstaging me.

It's called the Lady Justice Show,

not the Stupid,
Wise-crackin' Sidekick Show.

Who'd ever watch a show
with a dumb name like that?

I'm sorry. I didn't know.

I'll... I'll
pull it back.

Please. I really need this job.

Finish up your day and
then you're on your way.

Ooh, I like that.

Maybe I can work that in.

What? Whoa!

That is... Is that a
quarter on the floor?

Oh, my God.

I'm bettin' right now you wish
you'd done a few more squats.

Okay. I'm gonna do it.

Wait, wait, wa. Dude, dude, dude.

Now that it's here a second time, I
feel like maybe we shouldn't open it.

And this is something you
should be sharing with Riley.

And more importantly, it doesn't
matter if it's a boy or a girl,

just as long as it's healthy.

I don't care, I gotta know.

Wait. What is this?

Luis Bustamonte?

Oh, no. This is the box of evidence
that Riley's been waiting for.

We've gotta get to the courthouse.

Okay, but if Riley
finds out, I'm on

the record for giving
you that speech.

Yo, the judge is here.

Okay, let's put this gavel to the metal

and get this trial started.

You want me to rap,
you want me to rhyme,

well, this is my courtroom
and I ain't got the...

- Time?
- Oh, yeah. I was gonna say that.

Look, help a sister out,
I'll let you back in.

Really? I can have the job?

Mm.

Hey, order in the court.
I'm back in the hizzy,

she said I got the job, and
you know y'all missed me.

Well, let's get this
trainwreck over with.

Wait. Where's the train?

Your Honor! Your Honor, I'm here,

and I've got it, I've got the box.

Oh. And where's the defendant?

Here I am! Here I am. Sorry,
I, uh, just dropped a contact.

You never know where
they're gonna roll off to.

Your Honor, this box will
show that Brad Walker is

a relatively innocent man.

All right, I would like to
present into evidence this...

- Riley!
- Oh, my God.

What is going on?

We're havin' a boy.

Oh, my God, we're havin' a boy!

We are?

Oh, my God, I'm so happy.

We're gonna have a son.

I love you.

A boy.

This is amazing!

Finally... someone will know my pain!

Well, this...

This all could not be sweeter.

But, um... Hello! I am
on trial for my life here!

Oh, right, um...

Oh, I believe this one is yours.

Slight mix-up, all your fault.

Don't worry, you can apologize later.

Yes. Yes, yes, yes. It's all here.

It's all here! Everything!

Names, dates, times proving
that my client didn't do

almost everything he was
accused of, just, in your face!

Is where I would like to
respectfully place these papers.

Okay. Uh... well.

In light of this
evidence, I have no choice

but to set you free.

However, I cannot free you from
these lunatics that you call family.

Ooh! May God have mercy on your soul.

And with the new facts come to light,

the strong defense wins the fight.

Our man Brad is free to go.

This is the Lady Justice Show, y'all.

- Well, cheers to you Riley.
- Thanks.

I am pretty proud of myself.

Though, no thanks to any of the
idiots who live in this place.

You think they would be
at least a little more

supportive of someone
who's nine months pregnant.

Well, unfortunately,
I don't think this

is gonna make them
any more respectful.

Sadly, they get to take theirs off.

You get to take yours
off in a few weeks.

Oh, who am I kidding?

You're probably never
losing half of that.

What if it's sooner than a few weeks?

How much sooner?

Aah, like right now!

Oh God, I think I'm having a baby!

- Oh, my God!
- Now?

Now? It's happening,
she's having a baby!

Someone get the door! Get the door!

Oh, my God! And remember, whatever
dr*gs they offer, take 'em!