05x07 - Who Wants a Lollipop

Episode transcripts for the 2015 TV show "Ballers". Aired June 2015 - October 2019.*
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"Ballers" is a look at former and current football players, their families, friends, and handlers.
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05x07 - Who Wants a Lollipop

Post by bunniefuu »

So,
the owners meeting is tomorrow.

Eighteen games gonna be good
for the players.

How would you know?
You're not a player.

Uh, neither are you... anymore.

Boss man told me
what your asking price was.

Lifetime healthcare.

If you're not being ambitious
then you're not trying.

Let's get married.

‐We're not a good fit.
‐All right, deal.

‐Okay. ‐Yeah.

That was a lame pound.

The scans are showing
you had two heart att*cks.

Two?

You're gonna need to take
a few months off.

All in favor
of an expanded schedule,

‐say, "Aye." ‐Aye.

Spencer Strasmore
is a greedy pig.

Oh!

That's it, meeting adjourned.

‐You gave me your word.
‐Take care, Spencer.

You've got a long season
to get your team ready for.

‐ Kane is in the building.

‐ Big sh*t.

‐ Now where the f*ck is Patrick?

‐ Where's Patrick?

He's playing hide and seek.

I hide him. You seek him.

‐ That's a dangerous game.
‐ Not really.

If Pat doesn't suit up,
then he can't get hurt.

‐ You really wanna go there?

‐ I just did. It's your move.

Patrick is a principled guy.

You are now
staring down the barrel

of a Le'Veon Bell situation.

Are you okay with that?

‐ I'm on my way back to LA
right now.

When I land, we're gonna
hammer out this deal.

‐ Make sure you bring
your checkbook.

‐ You make sure
you find your client.

‐ You wanna make
a f*cking deal, bitch?

I'm waiting for you.

‐ Some people are in
a constant state of conflict.

They need it to survive.

Others despise it,

but no matter how hard they try,

they can't avoid it.

Where do I stand?

Do you need to ask?

To the victor go the spoils.

‐ Meditation.

Breathing.

God, you're becoming
so LA, Charles.

‐ How'd you find me?

‐ Benny said you were
taking your lunches out here.

‐ Benny talks a lot.

‐ Yeah, well, he's a comer.

Be good to him.
Cultivate that relationship.

What's wrong with you, Charles?

You stressing out
about your deal?

‐ Trying not to stress out
about anything.

Doctor told me to find a place
that resonates with me.

‐ "Resonates"? ‐ Yeah.

Help keep
my cortisol levels down.

‐ Okay, I'll bite, Charles.

What exactly does
elevated cortisol cause?

‐ Well, according to WebMD,
muscle weakness, spasms,

severe irritability,
extreme fatigue,

constipation, headaches,
anxiety, inflammation.

Basically,
it makes you die faster.

‐ sh*t, I think
I got that too, Charles.

So you know what?

We're all freakin' dying. Huh?

But who amongst us
has really lived?

Hmm?

‐ Hmm. ‐ Yeah.

Forget about the beach.
Forget about the ocean.

I find that the most
impactful way

to fight inflammation
is with success,

which is why I think you're
gonna be very excited to hear

that I'm offering you
an extension.

$10 million over four years.

Now, how's your cortisol now,
m*therf*cker?

‐ I thought you hated me. ‐ No.

Well, love and hate
are closely aligned.

But you've done
an excellent job.

‐ Then why do you t*rture me?

‐ Why does my wife t*rture me?

'Cause it makes me better. See?

That's what, uh‐‐that's what
partnership is all about.

That was a good talk. Thank you.

‐ Seems like there has
to be a better way.

‐ Well, if you find it, please
be sure to tell me about it.

But in the meantime, let's keep
this train chugging along.

All right? All right.

‐ Hey, I'ma need to talk
to my wife before I commit.

‐ Yeah, of course. Who doesn't?

‐ Nah. It's different this time.

I had a heart att*ck‐‐
two of them, actually.

‐ Yeah, I know. Benny told me.

‐ Babe, what time are we eating?

‐ It's almost done.

‐ Who is it?

You got wax in your ears, man?
Who is it?

‐ It's an unknown caller.

‐ What you two whispering about?

‐ Well, you know what?
I ain't afraid no more.

Put it on speaker.
Let's see who it is.

Pick it up.

‐ Hello?

‐ Hi. Is this Ricky Jerret?

‐ f*ck. She sounds sexy.
You should've been afraid.

‐ Yeah, this is
Ricky Jerret's phone.

‐ Oh, okay.

‐ Spit it out, bitch.

‐ This is Derek McLay's office.

Is Ricky available
to speak with him?

‐ What, Derek can't
dial his own calls?

Put him through.

‐ I love you. ‐ Mm‐hmm.

‐ Ricky.

Sorry for the cold call,
but it had to be done.

I love the radio show.
Think your POV is 100.

Can we meet up?

Talk about some projects
you'd be perfect for?

‐ The only projects that I know
about, I ain't going back to.

‐ No.
No, opportunities in media.

‐ You could talk
to my assistant.

Set some sh*t up.

‐ How pretentious
do you have to be

to have someone dial your phone?

‐ No more pretentious than to
have someone answer it for you.

TTD here. How may I help?

‐ Good morning, m*therf*ckers.

Are you ready to annihilate
the competition?

‐ Not this fuckwad over here.

‐ Closer to annihilating
each other.

‐ What's going on?

‐ Occupational hazard

of protecting your
younger dickwad brother‐‐

‐ Okay, okay, look, look.
It looked fine yesterday.

‐ Yeah, but this morning, it
swelled up like a cantaloupe.

‐ This doesn't look good.
‐ Wha‐‐y‐‐do you think, Reg?

Can you still play?

Oh, Jesus!
I don't like that, mate.

It looks like
the Elephant Man's cock.

‐ Yo, man, I've seen worse.

Last year, Jason Kelce
stepped on V's hand.

Broke a couple knuckles.

‐ My metacarpal's f*cked.

‐ Oy. You got to play, mate.
It's nonnegotiable.

‐ I'm not sure I can.

‐ No disrespect, Lavar,

but true players play with pain.

‐ Ey, yeah, man,
you got to suck it up.

‐ Well said. ‐ We are warriors.

Surrendering's what
white people do.

‐ Benedict Arnold, Jesus‐‐
all cowards.

‐ Ey, man,
it's time to call Doc Golden.

- ‐ He's an orthopedist?
- ‐ Not exactly.

‐ The mighty hero returns
with the spoils of w*r.

‐ k*ll him with kindness,
not sarcasm.

‐ Ah. Good to see you both too.

‐ What'd you get us?
- A gift?

‐ No,
all this caffeine is for me,

because I'm not
leaving here without a deal.

Nice machine you got there.
‐ Oh, yeah.

We really stepped it up around
here since you've been gone.

‐ Well, you sure have.

I'd make this coffee myself,

but that machine looks
way too complicated.

So don't forget
to add the vanilla,

because it cuts out
all the bitterness.

‐ I like it bitter.

‐ Miss you, baby.

Wish we could
celebrate in person.

‐ I miss you too, baby.
And congratulations.

You deserve it.

I thought you said
Werner hated you, though?

‐ Maybe I was wrong.

‐ Well, maybe does hate you.

He just realizes
he can't live without you.

‐ Is that how you feel?
‐ Of course not.

That's a silly question. ‐ Good.

Baby, can you tell me
you love me?

‐ I love you.

But why are you acting insecure?

‐ Yeah, uh...

I had a couple heart att*cks.

‐ What?!

‐ Minor ones. No big deal.

I didn't even know I had 'em
until they told me in the ER.

‐ You had a f*cking
heart att*ck, Charles,

and you didn't tell me?

‐ I didn't wanna worry you.

‐ And what do you call
what you're doing right now?

‐ Listen, relax, baby.
It's all good.

I'm all good.

A‐and if it's any conciliation,

I didn't accept Werner's offer
because I told him

I needed to discuss it
with you first.

‐ Oh, oh.
That's what we're discussing?

Charles, you have lost
your m*therf*cking mind.

Besides the fact
that I am a doctor,

I am your wife.

I think that smog and that job
have gotten to your head.

We're not talking about anything

except your physical condition
anytime soon, assh*le.

‐ Universal Studios.

Home of "Jaws,".

"Breakfast Club,"
"Animal House."

‐ You couldn't get
that movie made today.

‐ Hell, nah, that's why
we're here right now‐‐

to bring the flavor back.

The world's gone too PC,
and it's k*lling comedy.

And that's coming from a victim.

‐ Well, what do we know
about making movies?

‐ Just as much
as the n*gg*s making 'em.

Ricky Jerret
here to see Derek McLay.

‐ Thought maybe y'all were here
for the Ja Rule video sh**t.

I'm just f*cking with you.

‐ And you thought
comedy was dead, too.

‐ I did. That I did.

‐ That was good. ‐

‐ It's nice to see
some brothers on the lot.

‐ My man. ‐ All right.

‐ We like what you're doing
on Sirius,

but you have a face
that should be seen, man.

‐ Thank you. ‐

‐ I prefer to be heard.

‐ The hot‐take thing
comes at a price,

especially to his friends.

‐ Saying what's on your mind
is dope.

And with our help,

we think what you got going
could be really good.

‐ Oh, so it's not good already?

‐ Let me rephrase that.

It's good for a first timer.

But with our support,
we can make something great.

‐ You believe this guy?
"First timer."

‐ I couldn't agree more.

Let's make it great.
‐ Tell me something, Derek.

What's not so great
about our sh*t?

‐ Well, it's not
that it's not so great.

We'd just love to hone
your point of view.

‐ You don't like
my point of view now?

‐ He didn't say that.

‐ Just wanna focus you a little,

add some... Topspin to it.

‐ I don't f*ck with tennis.
‐ This is what execs do.

D‐do your thing.

‐ We wanna make your show
a platform

for bigger opportunities
going forward‐‐much bigger.

‐ You trying to turn me
into Steve Harvey?

‐ Try Michael Strahan.

‐ Hell, yeah.
You'd be great with that Kelly.

‐ That's right.
‐ I love her, man.

Is she as firm as she looks?
‐ I would imagine.

I don't know.
I've never felt her.

‐ Derek, tell me
something concrete, man.

‐ I don't have it yet.

This is just the beginning.

‐ For someone with
a lot of opinions,

you ain't got no answers, man.

‐ Ricky! Come on, man.
He didn't mean it like that.

‐ Yes, I did.

Got me driving
through the Valley

in the middle of rush hour.

You know how long it's gonna
take to f*cking get home?

‐ I'm sorry‐‐look,
just get the Obamas involved.

Guarantee he'll be back.
Do your thing.

‐ Yeah, this is only
gonna hurt a little bit.

‐ Now I know
this sh*t's gonna k*ll.

‐ Uh, what type of doctor
are you, exactly?

‐ Yo, who said he was a doctor?

‐ You did, assh*le. ‐ Nah.

Doc Golden.

He works with horses, mostly.
It's just a nickname.

‐ He's a healer‐‐
like Jesus, but with needles.

‐ He's like our go‐to guy
for anything pain management.

‐ Couldn't have made it through
high school without him.

‐ Yo, is there another way
that we could do this?

‐ Would you prefer I grab your
nuts and tell you to cough?

‐ No. ‐ A'ight.

‐ f*ck! f*ck, f*ck, f*ck, f*ck.

‐ How long before
it kicks in, Doc?

‐ Now.

‐ Okay.

‐ Who wants a lollipop?

‐ You just come here today
to pay your bullshit forward?

‐ Isn't that more your thing?
‐ This is gonna be fun.

‐ Oh, I come in peace, Jay.

‐ Just tell us what you got.
‐ Sure.

I'm prepared to meet
the Russell deal.

‐ Leading with an olive branch.

See? That's nice.

I will admit that
I was overly aggressive

with our counteroffer,

so I'm willing to lose
the salary‐cap escalator.

‐ A cricket is still closer
to licking its balls

than you are
to getting a deal done.

‐ Oh, I see.
So you're telling me

the Russell deal
doesn't get this done?

‐ Not for you.

‐ Does he have to be here?
‐ Do you?

‐ I do. ‐ This is my house.

Why don't you send
your underlings again?

‐ Can we just keep this nice,
polite, professional?

‐ Hey, can we get some more
coffee and a bag of Depends?

‐ Mm.
‐ It's gonna be a long one.

‐ Coffee, or maybe cocaine?

You wanna go back to‐‐
yeah, get him some cocaine.

Your boss loves that.

‐ I will knock 25 million
off the ask right now.

‐ Not one division leader

had one of the highest‐paid
quarterbacks.

You can't leave your guy
out there on that island alone.

‐ Yeah.

Yeah, I wonder what
that must look like, huh?

When one guy only looks out for
himself and gets everything?

‐ You know what? f*ck this.

‐ Oh, what? You're gonna‐‐
you're running away again?

‐ This is bullshit.
‐ Oh, what a shocker.

‐ Spence‐‐
‐ When the going gets tough,

the tough get the f*ck
outta here.

‐ Oh, is that right? Okay.

‐ Don't walk. Don't walk.

‐ You're in this business
because of me.

‐ Oh‐‐and you're only in this
business at all because of me!

No one would hire you back then.
No one.

‐ What the f*ck is your problem?

‐ You wanna know
what my problem is?

Let's figure it out. Uh, okay.

You were my partner,
and you bailed.

‐ I was doing it for you.

‐ Like you'd do anything for
someone other than yourself.

‐ Says the guy with no wife,
no kids,

and no f*cking friends.

‐ Yeah, I had a wife. She d*ed.

Sure, I wasn't
all broken up about it,

but it counts for something.

And you know what?

Spencer, for the record...

you were my friend.

‐ You're right.

You happy now?

‐ Yeah, a little bit.

‐ "A little bit"? Well, smile.

‐ I said I was happy.
Don't push it, Spence.

‐ I see.
You want me to go all in.

Joe... I'm sorry.

I should've stuck it out
with you,

and I didn't.

And I apologize.

‐ Thank you.

I really appreciate you
saying that.

‐ Ah, well, you know,
I wanna tell you.

The place looks great.
‐ Doesn't it look great?

‐ It does. ‐ Right? Yeah.

‐ And your wardrobe looks great.

‐ Ah, forget‐‐this old thing?
‐ You didn't even need‐‐


you're kicking ass.
You're k*lling it.

‐ Oh, man.

You should see
our plans for expansion.

I'll show 'em to you.
They're f*cking epic.

‐ Yeah?
‐ Did you kiss and make up?

‐ How does 150 sound?

And...

That.

‐ That could work.

‐ Mm.



‐ Mr. Thompson?

‐ Hey. Charles.

Come on in.

Why don't you, uh,
grab yourself a seat?

Hmm?

I was gonna make myself
a cocktail.

Join me.

‐ No, uh, thank you, sir,
but I'm good.

‐ Ah, nonsense.

Best thing for a heart att*ck.

Single malt.

‐ Scotch is good for the heart?

‐ I don't know about all that,

but at least
it'll have you worrying less.

‐ Huh?



About my worrying...

your offer was very generous,

but I have reservations.

‐ Oh, it's just fear.

Yeah, four years
is a substantial commitment.

‐ Oh, no, no, I have
no problems with commitment.

‐ Good!

Then let's go further.

‐ Part of me
wants to do just that.

Part of me wants
to stay and ride it

till the wheels fall off.

‐ Ah, we'll get new wheels.

We'll get better wheels.
Bigger wheels.

‐ But the other part of me
doesn't wanna die.

‐ You're not gonna die, Charles.

‐ I might if I keep
working at this pace.

‐ You know I respect you,
right, Charles?

Regardless of how I've shown it.

Quite frankly, your bluntness
has been, uh, quite refreshing.

Yeah.

But I agree with you.

I've been hard on you‐‐

maybe too hard on you.

In part, it's because

I was just preparing you
for the rigors of the job,

and in part, it's because

I stopped taking my Lexapro.

‐ That may have been a mistake.

‐ Maybe so, but either way,

you are groomed, and you are
ready to take the helm.

I'm gonna give you free rein
to do whatever you want,

whenever you want.

This isn't just more money.

This is a promotion.

I've decided
to sweeten up my offer,

and I am gonna
make you president.

So congratulations,
Mr. President.

Take the weekend
to think about it.

We'll talk to you
on Monday, pal.

‐ Baby. ‐ ...that's a dude, bro.

‐ How'd the meeting go?

Did you charm him?

‐ Oh, he was a real
charm offensive‐‐

key word, offensive.

‐ What'd you do, Ricky?

‐ Nothing.

‐ Nah, there's a distinct
sound of guilt in your voice.

‐ It wasn't my finest moment.

‐ He almost made whitey cry.

‐ I don't get it.

What's the point
in going to take a meeting

if you're not gonna put
your best self out there?

‐ sh*t, I don't know.
I was being immature,

but the guy kept throwing this
bullshit Hollywood lingo at us,

taking sh*ts at our show
and sh*t.

‐ Yeah, the boy
don't take criticism very well.

‐ Oh, so you was frustrated?
‐ Hell, yeah.

My first instinct
was to frustrate him back.

I feel bad now, especially
'cause the guy was right.

We are all over the place,
and we just started.

sh*t, it's probably
too late now anyway.

‐ It's never too late
to tell somebody they're right.

People love that sh*t.

‐ Maybe I should
get him a watch.

‐ You can't
buy forgiveness, baby,

unless you're paying
with Chanel.

‐ I don't see us up there, man.

You sure you paid
the entry fees?

‐ Yeah.
I wrote the check myself, mate.

‐ And it had a lot of zeros.

‐ Uh‐huh. ‐ Yo, so where are we?

Look, they're playing us 'cause
we black; That's what it is.

‐ You can't say that every time
you have an anxiety att*ck, Reg.

‐ Wait, wait. Seeded 32 of 32?

Yo, no respect, man.

‐ 'Cause we're a new squad.

‐ But don't they know
who we are?

‐ This ain't right, man.

‐ Yo, Reg,
look who just rolled up.

"‐ Who is this crew
The Musical" nerds?

‐ Man, them the guys that
played me during my tryout.

They didn't want me.

‐ Yeah, well, we want you, mate.

I'm glad you're here.

‐ Hey, what is up, fellas?

It's nice to see that they
let you all out and about.

‐ What up, clowns?
‐ You still bitter?

You know,
you shouldn't play angry, man.

‐ Look at this dude, trying
to tell V how to play a game.

Looking forward
to the second round.

‐ Yeah, well, worry about
getting past the first.

‐ Hah!

‐ f*ck you,
you gangster Mouseketeers.

‐ Takes a lot of confidence
to show up late

to your own press conference.

‐ The guy's a drama queen.
What can I say?

Hey.

‐ All right, everybody.

Thank you for coming here
this afternoon.

I'm going to, uh,
make this brief,

but first, there are a few
things that I wanna address

before we get down
to the business at hand.

First,
let me set the record straight

about my stance on the 18 games.

My vote was based
upon an agreement

that I had
with the other owners,

and that agreement was broken.

The old guard is in charge,

and they're taking us
down a path that will end

with the demise
of our great game.

The future of football is with
the players and the fans.

I've had the unique honor
to participate

in our great game
in many, many ways‐‐

first as a young boy when I was

learning how to hit and get hit,

then what it means
to be part of a team,

and then, finally,
making it to the league.

And all along,
I've always been a fan.

Now I'm lucky enough
to be an owner.

Now, from this view,

I can see that
in order to move forward,

we're gonna have
to clean up our past.

We need to take care
of our guys,

starting with
lifetime medical coverage

for everyone who's played
three years or more.

I'm working every day
to make that dream‐‐

that necessity‐‐a reality.

And one day, I sincerely hope
that I'll be able

to stand up here with you guys
and say, "We have succeeded."

But today,
we take the first step

towards doing right
by our players.

And I am very proud to announce

the signing of a historic deal

for one of the league's
most talented athletes.

But first, I wanna say
thank you to Jason Antolotti

and my old compadre Joe Krutel

for getting the deal done.

I am honored to announce that
we've signed Patrick Mahomes

to the largest fully‐guaranteed
deal in NFL history.



‐ Now, if you have
any questions‐‐

and I'm sure you do‐‐

ask him yourself.

If you're lucky,
sometimes conflict

comes with the sweetest
of rewards...

Resolution.

But the next challenge,
the next fight...

It's always
just around the corner.

‐ We spend our lives
trying to live without pain,

but that's what feeds us.

‐ Sometimes,
it just breeds more conflict.

‐ But other times,
it breeds success.

‐ Oh, my God. Look who's here.

‐ Daddy!

‐ What are you‐‐
what are you doing here?

‐ I'm home. ‐ Oh, my God!

‐ Hey! ‐

‐ Where you going?

The owners want you gone.

It was a magical run
while it lasted, mate.

Spencer, it's over.

Actually, it's just beginning.

Sometimes,
it's about the journey.

You can't go
in there‐‐ call security.

Better tell 'em
to bring everyone.

Sometimes,
it's about the result.

Today, we pour the foundation
of our future.

Each game is different.

Adjust your game accordingly.

Everyone wants to be liked,
right? But you...

Love to be hated.

Can you really walk away
from unfinished business?

The players need you.

- You were right.
- ‐About what?

Everything.

What do you think about us?

You had to do it again.
You poked the bear.

I'm a player and a veteran,

and I know exactly
where the f*ck I stand.

Question is, what side
of the line are you on?
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