01x02 - Childhood

[bunniefuu]

Well, does Bill Clinton
have a statue in his library?

No, no, no, no,
I've seen your father's,

and he's only got a fountain
and it's outside.

It's not in the middle
of the reading room.

Yeah, well,
I think if people wander in

and they see an enormous
marble version of you,

they're gonna think you've built
more a monument to yourself

than a presidential library.

Me? (Laughs) No. No, no.

Ex-Australian prime ministers

don't tend to have libraries
built in their honour.

I think it's something to do
with the general distrust we have

of anyone over here who can read.

Yeah, well, listen,
hey, what about this?

Put the statue outside
near the hedge maze

and then you can be on the horse like
you wanted.

(Both mouth)

Yeah. Good, yes, thank you.

Well, lovely talking, yes.
Love to Laura.

Yeah, and best of luck to Jeb.

OK, then. Bye-bye.
(Earpiece beeps)

You wouldn't catch George Bush
repairing a window.

No, well, he's probably got a wilier
business manager than I have.

You know, one that doesn't get caught
when he commits tax fraud.

George comes from money.
That's how he can afford a library.

It's not just about money, though.

Ex-presidents get treated with far
more respect than ex-prime ministers.

They still get called 'Mr President'
when they're out of office.

You should hear some of the things
I get called.

You shouldn't listen to what people
shout when they drive past.

No, this is kids! You know the O'Dare
twins from down the street?

Oh.

I was walking past there this morning
on my way to buy...

What's this stuff?
Wood putty.

Wood putty.

And they were playing
under the sprinkler,

and I said to them -
politely, I thought -

that wasting water like that
was irresponsible

and this is the driest continent
on Earth,

and they said if I was so concerned
about the environment,

I should have signed the
UN convention when I had the chance.

They can't be more than five or six!
I blame the ABC.

You should have destroyed that place
when you had the chance.

Well, we've all tried -
you hack away at the bloody thing

and it keeps coming back at you
like some sort of crazed zombie,

and I'm not just talking
about Barrie Cassidy.

(Speaks French)

..all of this rubbish and sh*t.

Yes, indeed, Rita,
it is a glorious day.

I mean, I didn't mind
the Chaser boys.

Yes, they were annoying,

but at the end of the day,
it was just harmless satire.

No-one's duco got ruined by egg.

Mmm, I miss them too.

Nearly scraped it all off,
Mr Dugdale, sir.

Keep up the good work, Curtis.

You want to come and help me fix
the chimney? The pot's come away.

Ah, I did want to talk to you
about the girl.

Ah, yes.
Has she gone through that box yet?

She has, but I think she suspects
we might have forced it upon her

in order to create
a falsely human impression of you.

She says she wants to go through
the political stuff in your office.

You see, this is where a presidential
library would come in handy.

It's off-site storage
that doesn't cost me anything,

most of the stuff's archived, so
no-one actually ever gets to see it.

Paul Keating talked
his Bankstown high school into it.

Maybe get Henry to ring around my old
alma maters, see if there's interest.

Didn't you take out
a restraining order on her?

That was Alma Cavendish.
Oh.

And also check with Myles to make
sure he's keeping an eye on the girl,

see who she's talking to.

Actually, tell the entire staff to
watch what they say in front of her.

Andrew, they're not idiots.

(Squelch!)

I'll call a meeting.
Yeah.

Oh, do you want me
to look after Catherine?

No, I'll have a talk to the family
as soon as I'm done with the chimney.

Yes, well, you know what they say
about men over and ladders.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

This is the you
you should be showing her -

the can-do, working family man
of the people.

Yeah?
You did a great job with the window.

And I saved myself
on a professional glazier.

What the f*ck?

Mummy, have you seen my plane?

Shh, not now, sweetie.
Mummy's eating.

(Smash!)

Curtis!

Boss wants me to check
you're keeping an eye on Ellen.

Jeez! You know, you should
never sneak up on me like that.

I could have snapped your neck
like a twig.

Is that Stefan's plane?
Affirmative.

I'm retooling it into a drone -
reconnaissance only.

I'm glad to hear it!

I don't think Stefan will be,
though, or his mother.

I think it was rather expensive.

I commandeered it
on the implied orders of Mr D.

This will give me complete access

to the airspace
above the Dugdale compound.

/ bird's-eye view
of all Dugdales all the time.

Next best thing to a spy satellite,

and much more comfortable than
the old Ned Kelly unit over there.

(Flies buzz)

Mrs D says if I want to get covered
in rotten vegetables,

I can just stand on stage with
the boss during one of his speeches.

Yes, well, when he told you
to keep an eye on Ellen,

I don't think he was giving you
black ops authorisation.

It's cool. This is all within
my existing remit.

If the drone looks after
the outside half

as well as this new system here
scopes out the inside,

there won't be much going on
around here that I don't know about.

See, there's Carol now -
upstairs bathroom.

Just turned the taps on
in the showers.

What do you call this system -
the Norman Bates unit?

She's wearing a towel. Oh!

Oh!
(System beeps and whirrs)

Definition on these new monitors
is fantastic.

(System beeps)

Stefan's up in his cupboard. Seems
like he's searching for something.

Well, you should send his plane up
to help him look.

Sunnyside - east wing corridor.

Oh, it's what the Secret Service
used to call Ethel Kennedy.

Oh. Nice touch.

(Humming on monitor)

And there's our girl now.

I wonder what she's up to.

Oh, morning, Andrew.
Ah! What are you up to?

Well, I wouldn't mind following you
around for the next couple of days.

Nothing too intrusive -
just so I can get inside your brain.

Well, it sounds intrusive,
being inside my brain.

Throw me a bone here, Andrew.

If I'm writing your autobiography,
I need it to be in your voice.

It needs to be authentic.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.

But I would have thought
you'd get an idea of my voice

from watching the television,

rather than actually
having to inhabit my skull,

but, um... alright.

Well, speak to Sonny

and he'll let you know what
I'm doing, speaking engagement-wise.

Well, I noticed on the fridge

it's Grandparents Day
at Stefan's school tomorrow.

Yes? Yes! Yes, yes, yes.

Well, I really wanted
to tag along on that one.

I think it'd be interesting
to hear you explain

what it's like to be prime minister
in obviously very simple terms.

Might give me one key to the many
locks that comprise Andrew Dugdale.

Yes! Yes, yes, yes,
that's a nice idea.

Yes, indeed! Yes.

Well, you speak to Sonny and he'll
make all the necessary arrangements.

Ta muchly.
Oh, and do you know where Cath is?

I wouldn't mind interviewing her
this morning.

Cath?
Mrs Dugdale.

Oh, yes, sorry! Of course - Cath.

Um, yeah, well, I think she's
probably down having breakfast.

Rita's made congee.
Yummo!

Mmm!
I thought Rita was Vietnamese.

Well, I make waffles occasionally.
Does that make me Hungarian?

I guess not.

(Knocking at door)
CATHERINE: Come.

Hello, darling!
Oh, hello, darling.

I see these idiots
are watering down your tax reform.

Are they? Oh. Damn them.

Look, I've just got a favour to ask.

Ellen might want to speak to you
about the book today

and she may ask
about our private life.

What do you mean 'private life'?
Well, exactly.

And I don't think
it's in either of our interests

if people get the impression
that we're not... you know.

I'm not sleeping with you, Andrew,

just so you can put it
in your memoirs.

No, I don't want you to do anything
that you're uncomfortable with.

I just want you to lie to her.

So, power couple, I'm your rock -
that sort of thing.

Of course, darling.
Anything for you.

Right, thank you.

You can take the whole lot
if you like.

No, no, no, it's OK.
I'm not very hungry.

I had a persimmon off the tree.

No, silly, I mean take it down
to the kitchen for me.

Those stairs are m*rder on my hip.

Oh, absolutely. Yes, sure.
Happy to do it.

Oh, one more thing before I go.

Do you know anything about a
Grandparents Day at the boy's school?

Yes, I do.
Stefan's asked me to go along.

I have to give a little talk
about what I do.

And what would that be, do you think,
generally speaking?

I have plenty to talk about, Andrew.

All my charity work,
organising fundraisers and dinners.

Oh! We also serve,
who stand to one side, you know.

Yes, I know you're
very, very busy, darling,

but it's just that I thought,
well, given I was prime minister...

Stefan's only eight, darling.

I don't think he really understands
what a prime minister is.

Carol says that to him,
you're just the grandpa

that gets angry
when he watches the television.

(Laughs) I guess she means the news.

Yes, although to be fair

I also get very angry watching
Millionaire Hot Seat.

Well, at least he didn't ask
Grandpa Jojo.

Well, he has got Alzheimer's.

Mind you, banging on for an hour

about flying to Neptune
and wetting your pants

is more interesting
than a lot of other jobs.

I'll be interesting.

I'm sure YOU'LL be interesting, yes.
Yes, yes, yes, very interesting.

And at least he's keeping it
in the family, isn't he?

Well, I'm going now. Bye-bye.
Mmm.

These aren't mine, are they?
No, they're Sonny's.

Oh.

I had them dry-cleaned.
They were filthy.

You couldn't give them to him
if you see him, could you, darling?

No, happy to do it, darling.
I'm on my way. Bye-bye.

(Types)

Tuesday morning he's a guest
at the HR Nicholls Society,

Tuesday afternoon
he's at the Australia Institute,

and Tuesday evening
he's on a plane to your home town

for a spot of after-dinner speaking
at the America Club.

Of course, he'll have to have
his own dinner on the flight.

(Phone beeps)

Why so many speaking engagements?

Can't need the money.
Look at this place.

The only thing missing is the
Sun King motif on the wall there.

He doesn't need the money.
You wanna know why he does 'em?

And no, it's not because he loves
the sound of his own voice.

There's another reason as well?

He does them so he can give part,
if not all,

of his fee to one of his charities.

It's always been very important
to Andrew to give back.

Right, and which charities
does he support?

Ah, yeah, well, his accountant
would have all that information.

I'm just his business manager,
aren't I, Sonny?

Just.

Ah! Sonny, I need to win over
my grandson. What's he like?

You mean what IS he like
or what DOES he like?

Either. I almost had her there for a
moment. They turned out to be yours.

Oh, I was wondering
what happened to them.

Rita spilled sticky rice wine
all down them

at that morning tea
of Catherine's last week.

Morning, Ellen.

Bugger to get out, that -
sticky rice wine.

Hey, you're young!
What sort of things do you like?

How do you mean?
Well, you know, for a present.

Um, a pink Saffiano fold-away purse.

That sounds expensive.

He needs a new remote-control plane.

(Snaps fingers) Perfect.

Much better suggestion than a purse.
What a ridiculous idea!

Well, what would I know? I haven't
been an eight-year-old boy in years.

Sonny, could you get Curtis
to bring the car round, please?

Where is Stefan?
He's in his cupboard.

Can I come?
Yes. Yes, that's a very good idea.

This is real slice-of-life stuff.

This is a grandfather sharing
a precious moment with his grandson.

You grab him out the cupboard,
I'll meet you downstairs.

Ah, Curtis.
Front door, car, you, now.

(Door closes)

Sonny, get onto the charlatan that
masquerades as my business manager

and get him to offer
my presidential library

to the school that Stefan goes to.

It's in the local electorate.

They probably got a whiteboard
or something in the stimulus package.

Embarrass them into it.

They'll have to pick it up
themselves, though,

'cause I'm not springing for haulage
and it's gotta be tomorrow.

Well, you can tell him yourself,
'cause he's right there.

Oh, Henry. Um, hi.
Did you get all that?

Yes, I did, yes. Thank you, Andrew.

Charlatan, archive boxes
to grandchild's school,

they cover transport,
ribbon cutting ceremony tomorrow.

What time?
What time was Catherine booked for?

: .
What do you mean 'WAS booked for'?

Did you get that, Henry?
Catherine's out, I'm in.

Oh, and get Myles to bring down
those boxes from upstairs.

Righto, : it is.
Do you want the press there?

It never happened...
BOTH: If it's not on the news.

Bye, Henry.

You can't do that to Catherine.

She'll be terribly upset to think

her own husband had stabbed her
in the back like that.

I mean, it's not
a leadership challenge.

You're absolutely right, Sonny.
Get Henry back.

Tell him to get the school
to contact Catherine

and make as if it's their idea.

Keep my name out of this. I'm gonna
need plausible denial on this one.

Why so long to bring the car round?!
Was it unconscious?

Sorry, Mr Dugdale, sir.
I had to put the wheels back on.

Where to today?

Hobby's Hobbitorium,
corner of Flanders and Swine.

Mr D! Sonny told me you wanted me
to take down some boxes.

Yeah, take down as in bring them
down from upstairs, not sh**t them.

Gotcha.

And when I say 'upstairs',
I mean upstairs,

not that level
in Call Of Duty - Black Ops.

Roger that.

The primary school should be picking
them up later this afternoon.

Understood.

Oh, wait! Which boxes?

CURTIS: I used to look after
Alexander Downer

before the accident.

ELLEN: And what accident was that?

Well, Mr Downer
and some of his friends

were out hunting roos
on his property

and he accidentally sh*t me.

Nothing serious, fortunately.

Anyway, I had a metal plate
inserted into my skull,

and because of the migraines
and the blurred vision,

I was put on light duties
driving Mr Dugdale.

He was a very junior
backbencher then

and he lost his licence due
to a drink-driving conviction.

Lovely man! And long story short...
I been with him ever since.

Anything you want, boy.
Anything you want.

Hello.
Is is you, isn't it?

Well, that depends.

My wife and I voted for you,
Mr Dugdale, in every election.

You always went into bat
for the small businessman,

and there are not many politicians
you can say that about.

Well, thank you!
That is very gratifying to hear.

My wife and I set up this shop

under your small business
start-up initiative.

It was our big chance
for us to work together,

doing something that we both loved.

Great! Good! Could you just hold
that thought? This is good stuff.

Of course, we didn't really choose
the right location

and interest rates
have been crippling us,

and of course,
that new lot rolled back

all the tax concessions
that you promised.

Yeah, yeah, could you just go back
to the beginning?

I wish I could.

If I had my time over again,

I wouldn't have sunk all our super
into this place

and maybe my wife
wouldn't have left me -

but I don't blame you for that,
of course, Mr Dugdale.

As my ex-wife always used to say,

'Politicians are all the same!
You can't trust any of them!'

No offence.
No, no, none taken.

I mean, it's in your nature,
isn't it?

Did you wanna
see me about something?

Yes, yes, I just wanted to show you
this wonderful old shop.

It'd be a bit more wonderful
if we could turn a profit

in the economic climate
his lot created, eh?

(Laughs nervously) Oh, is this what
you want, boy? Excellent, excellent!

Oh, nice choice, nice choice.

Actually, there isn't a cheaper one
around, is there?

What's the problem, Grandpa?
Don't you love me?

No! Of course I love you, boy!
What - are you crazy?

No, I mean, really, would he ask me

to go speak at his school
on Grandparents Day

if I didn't love him?

That's right, isn't it? Eh?
Yeah, well, what price love, eh?

If you'd have come back next week
to our closing down sale, of course,

all this would have been
heavily discounted.

Oh, I don't suppose
I could pay in advance

and get it for next week's
sale price, could I?

No, you can't.

Thank you. There you go!

Thank you.

(Metal detector whirrs)

CATHERINE: I don't know why
I'm letting it get to me so much.

The school just changed its mind,
that's all.

Mrs D, if I had a dollar for every
time the school changed its mind

about me moving up a grade,
I'd have .

Go away.
All clear here anyway, Mrs D.

Just about to do a check
of the northern perimeter

and then head on up
to the old watchtower.

The watchtower that's in my sunroom?

Shh. Not in front of civilians,
Mrs D.

You understand what it's like,
don't you, Rita?

To feel unloved and unappreciated.

(Speaks French)

Exactly.

You there, glazier!

Fancy some of my banh xeo?

Oh, no, thanks, Mrs Dugdale.
I've gotta get this done.

Oh, come on. There's plenty.

Well, maybe one.

Mmm. Quite an appetite.

Oh, cool!
Every boy's dream, one of those.

(Laughs)

Oh! That's funny.

I thought Stefan already had
a remote-controlled plane.

Do you mind if I have a go?

Knock yourself out.
Cool.

Chocks away.

(Plane drones)

(School bell rings)

ANDREW: Hello, children.

I don't imagine
many of your grandparents

have been prime minister.

Is this you?
Hmm?

'D' Division netball .

Yes, yes, yes. A supporter
of women's sport even then.

I didn't know you went
to this school. It's not in your CV.

It was only for a year.
Dad moved around a lot.

In the army.
No, he had worms.

Why are you wearing makeup?

I was the mascot.
They made me up as a tiger.

Was your father away a lot?
Ellen, I have to study my notes!

The stimulus package for this place
didn't extend to teleprompters.

You were the one
moving around a lot.

Nothing worse than a politician

giving an ill-prepared,
halting speech

where he's floundering
and grasping for words.

Explains a lot, that's all.

Tony Abbott's the exception.
It's charming when he does it.

Absent father,
mother's the authority figure.

No long-standing early friendships.

You got your honours degree
in journalism, didn't you?

Not psychoanalysis.
Oh, you checked up on me, did you?

Well, if you know the enemy
and you know yourself,

you need never fear the result
of battles.

Oh, Sun Tzu - Art Of w*r.

No, Bartlett's Popular Quotations.
Sonny looked it up for me.

I'm thinking of closing with it
this afternoon.

What does Bartlett say

about the unexamined life
not being worth living?

Look, I wouldn't worry too much
about the child.

Stick to the man, Ellen.

If I wanted to be reduced
to a Jungian archetype,

I would have got Bob Ellis
to write the book.

Are you wearing a skirt here?

Just stick to the facts.
I would if you'd give me any.

Andrew.
Ah!

Principal Felicia Brooks.
Ah, Principal Brooks.

I'm so sorry to keep you waiting,
ex-Prime Minister.

The Federal Government's
commitment to Gonski

means we now have half as many
teachers and we're all doubling up.

Not with laughter, I imagine.

Oh, and congratulations
to your archivers, Ms Brooks.

Very impressive,

being able to assemble the
prime ministerial library so quickly,

although I appreciate that
not everything can be on display.

Well, it was only the one box.

Are we ready?
Absolutely! Yes, yes, yes.

How do I look?
Never better.

Could do with some tiger makeup.

You got flecks of foam
in the corner of your mouth.

(Children chatter)
Thank you very much.

(Camera clicks)
Everybody, hello.

Remind me to sack Myles.
I'll make a note of it.

(Model plane drones)
What was that?!

Oh, we got a bogey at : .
Time to scramble.

And so, in this country, anyway,

a prime minister is a man,
or briefly, a woman,

who, like your own Ms Brooks here,

is in charge of how things work and
who does what job and when and how.

The only difference
is Ms Brooks has been appointed

by the State Education Department

and not as a result of some vicious
political dogfight.

(Laughs mirthlessly) Yes?

What's a dogfight?

(Model planes drone)

Shouldn't you be finishing
that glazing?

It's all done, Mrs Dugdale. Just
waiting for the wood putty to set.

(Laughs) Oh, get out.

What the f*ck?!

Are you trying to k*ll me?!

Carol, you're in shock. Now, the
best thing for that is an ice bath.

Get off me!
Oh, no, she's convulsing.

She's convulsing! Rita, get a spoon!
Rita, get a spoon!

Mum! He's doing it again!

Shh, shh, shh! You need body warmth
to calm you down.

'Well, Edward was really
enjoying the day

till he overheard someone
behind the fence say,

'The seals are always amusing,
it's true,

but the lions are the best things
to see at the zoo.'

(Mobile phone buzzes)

Catherine?

What's happened?

'..anybody can tell, so tomorrow
I'll just be a lion as well.'

The next morning at nine,
when they opened the zoo,

the lions were roaring
and Edward was too.

He snarled at the ladies,
he growled at the men.

(Camera clicks)
Life was certainly grim.

Look, lady, I don't give a sh*t
who your husband was.

You can't expect the warranty
to cover something like this.

But you were flying the plane.
Yeah, with your permission.

Yeah, it was on your authority,
Mrs D. It was your mission...

Oh, shut up, Myles,
and just land the f*cking thing!

No can do, Mrs D.

She's taken a hit on the starboard
wing and is non-responsive -

I repeat, non-responsive!
For Christ's sake, give it to me!

(Boom!)

(Cockatoos squawk)

STEFAN: He curls up casually
around of a tree.

(Mobile phone buzzes)

(Sighs) Yes?

Well, Edward was just warming up...

(Sighs)

..overheard one of the visitors say,

'The snakes are pleasant,
I know it's true.

The emus by far
are the best thing at the zoo.'

'The emu, ' gasped Edward.
'My goodness, that's me.

I'm the thing that gentleman
most likes to see.

Not the seals, not the lions,
not the snakes...'

(Hisses)

'It's Edward the Emu.'

So, that night
when the zookeeper went home...

Well, Ms Brooks, class,
I'm afraid I have to go.

Small crisis.

Stefan, lovely spending
some quality time with you.

Curtis will drive you home.

Curtis, you're on.

(Camera clicks)

Alright, kids,
what do you wanna know?

CURTIS: I've never gotten up
and spoken

in front of an audience
before in my life,

and I wasn't sure I'd be any good,

but those three hours
just seemed to fly by.

I had a great time.

I think the kids did too.

I wasn't able to debrief
with them after my lecture

because the principal said
I had to leave.

I said, 'I have to debrief
the children, '

and she's like, 'What?'

And I'm like, 'They need to be
debriefed immediately.'

And she says, 'No, you have to leave
the school property immediately.'

ELLEN: What did you talk about?

Mainly the plate in my head.

They all wanted to see it.

You should have heard the squeals
when I showed it to them.

Here we go.
(Children scream)

Yeah! Pretty good, eh?

CURTIS: I don't think Mr Dugdale
would mind me saying

that as far as young children
are concerned,

he has a very similar attitude
to the late Michael Jackson.

They are our future.

I've called the police!
ELLEN: Yeah, we'd better go.

Come on, we better go.
What?

We gotta go, go, go, go, go, go!

You know, it's pointless rebuilding
this thing

'cause you can't use chimneys
these days 'cause of global warming.

Just 'cause something's
past its use-by date,

doesn't mean it can't have
a decorative function.

True.

You mind if I get a picture of you
next to it for the book?

Sure, sure. You can caption it
'The Freedom Chimney'.

(Laughs) Very tasteful.

Yeah, yeah, although
that'd make this roof ground zero

and I don't think you can call a roof
ground zero, can you?

Uh, I don't know about / jokes.

What - too soon?
Might hurt American sales.

Well, I don't want to hurt sales,
do I? Oh!

Arggh!

Must have hit the non-metal side.

ELLEN: Lots of colourful
tools on the wall.

Oh, you like those,
do you?

Yeah, they're my beauties.

Did you wanna see some of them?

This here I thought was just
a blowtorch. I bought that on eBay.

I still don't actually realise
what the function of it is.

This here is a...
is a file,

and you know, you can use it
for several different things,

but I generally just have
really bad nails.

I usually just keep them
up to date,

but you can shiv.

I like to craft a lot,
so I've got them for cardboard.

Well, Mum gave me that
from her pottery class, so...

And so in your professional opinion,
how violent is the world we live in?

Oh, you have no idea, Helen.
No idea whatsoever.

Ellen.
I think I'll take Mr D's word on it.

The world can be quite dangerous,
you know?

I mean, I've seen
some pretty bad stuff, growing up,

and that's sort of
what got me into this role.

So, you grew up on the streets?

No, Perth.