01x03 - Legacy

Episode transcripts for the 2015 TV show "The Ex-PM". Aired December 2015 - 2017.*
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"The Ex-PM" is about a retired long serving Australian Prime Minister, who squanders the advance given to him for his biography and takes a ghostwriter into his dysfunctional household. His inquisitive and over enthusiastic ghostwriter has an unhelpfully insatiable appetite for the truth.
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01x03 - Legacy

Post by bunniefuu »

(Sizzling)

(Whines)

Well, I'm not really cut out
for this sort of job.

♪ Theme music

(Knocking at door)
Morning, darling.

So sorry to bother you so early.

CATHERINE: What time is it?

It's am, my angel. Would you like
me to open the blinds for you?

Just that today's the start
of the public service shutdown,

so we lose our staff for the day.

Now, Ray Tolmer assures me
that the Senate will approve

the raising of the debt ceiling,

so hopefully only hours
of doing things for ourselves.

Can't we cancel the dinner?

We did discuss this, darling.

Or make it for tomorrow night.

You do realise, don't you,
how long it took us

to get the Palestinian delegation

and Israeli Embassy
to agree on a date?

How long?

I'm not sure exactly - you'd have
to ask Sonny - but it was some time.

(Tablets rattle)
There you go.

Just how you like your men -
weak and with saccharine.

Anyway, it's no big deal.

I'm doing the shopping,
you're setting the table, that's all.

Can't we just take them out
for a beef vindaloo?

Darling, if you want to be the wife

of the next
MEPP Special Envoy to the UNGA,

we're gonna have to curry favour
with these people

and you can't do that
with beef vindaloo.

Dietary requirements in the Middle
East are an absolute minefield.

You wanna get these people together,

it's gotta be kosher,
it's gotta be halal.

You need special dishes,
you need an extra fridge,

you need to lay the meat
on a certain angle to bleed it.

You need certificates.

You gotta show that you're culturally
sensitive of the Middle East

'cause, Christ knows, you know
what they're like over there.

Don't pretend to be all noble.

You only want the job so that
Neil Blanchard won't have it.

That is not true.
This is about selflessness.

Revenge is a happy by-product.

Anyway, it'll be fun.
The old team back together again, eh?

(Door closes)

Phew! That was close.

(Whistles)

No, no, Rita, no, no.
You shouldn't be doing that.

She's not working. You're just
being nice, aren't you, Rita?

(Speaks French)

Yes. What if she scalded herself?

It'd be an insurance nightmare.
You go home, Rita. You're on holiday.

(Scoffs) Unpaid holiday.

Did you get that Post-It note
about playing the viola tonight?

Yeah. Wrote 'no' and stuck it
on your shaving mirror.

Excellent!

Morning, everyone.
Jam it, Pollyanna!

Curtis, you should be off
enjoying yourself as well.

Oh, I am enjoying myself,
Mr Dugdale, sir.

Plus I wouldn't trust anybody else
to look after the old girl.

You do realise that window's open,
don't you?

Just airing it out, Mr Dugdale.

Bloody dog got in there last night
and went berserk.

I don't know what he's been eating,

but it certainly
doesn't agree with him.

Well, just make sure you clean
all that drool off the window.

He's been foaming a lot
at the mouth lately, Mr Dugdale.

Sure, just...
I think it's the pollen.

Yeah, well, just finish up ASAP,
'cause I gotta get to the market.

No can do, Mr Dugdale, sir.
Seats are still wet.

CATHERINE: Most of the world
gets their news online

and he still gets his
off the driveway.

Mmm. Well, he's old-fashioned that
way. That's why you married him.

Why can't he just google himself
like everybody else?

He likes doing the crossword.

Honestly, he's worse
than Paul Keating.

Every quote, every picture, cut out
and stuck straight in the album.

I used to be a paper boy.

On the bike every morning,
half past six.

Nothing changes, eh, stud?

I can't, I'm afraid, Catherine.

I'm off duty today
like everybody else.

What?

I'm on staff here, so, no go, girl.

(Laughs) But you're my lover, lover.

Yes, but I'm not employed
on that basis.

You see, my... my... my salary
comes out of general services.

Yes, but what you do
with your spare time

is nobody's business
but yours and mine.

I know, but if I hang around,
Andrew might suspect something.

He's gonna be out all day.

Er, it wouldn't feel right.

You're meeting someone else,
aren't you?

No.
Who is she?

I'm not. I can always tell
when you're lying!

I'm always lying.

Our little love triangle doesn't work
when you put another side on it.

Catherine, I'm not seeing anybody.

And Andrew suggested
I should take the day off

in solidarity
with the rest of the help.

Did he?
Mmm.

This is the first actual day
I've had off

since I started working for Andrew,
yes.

You don't get any rest
at the weekends.

Even when it's a proper holiday,

there is always some meltdown
you've got to deal with back here.

It... it goes all the time.

I can remember...

I can remember taking my mother's
ashes back to Ireland in ,

and I'm on the parapet
of Ross Castle,

about to scatter them into the glen,

and I get a call from guess who
saying he can't find his stapler.

ELLEN: Why didn't you
just turn your phone off?

Well, I mean, yeah...
I mean, I'm gonna do that today

because the CPSU say I'm not allowed
to receive any calls or emails.

I'm not even allowed
to answer a text, so, erm...

Oh, I think I'm actually
looking forward to it.

What other product
in this day and age

is delivered by having it hurled
at your front door by a moving car?

It's true, Mr D. Most days it
doesn't even make it over the fence.

Well, easier to get over than those
paywalls on the Internet, eh, Rita?

(Speaks French)

Printers, Dad. Gutenberg was wrong.

Well, he was pretty good
in those Police Academy films.

(Laughs) Good one, Mr D.
You can use that if you want, Ellen.

Skews a bit old
as a cultural reference point.

Really? Police Academy?
Myles is young. He got it.

Did you, Myles?
Not really, no.

Well, why did you laugh, then?
You employ me.

See? There's your problem
right there.

You haven't got a problem with Sonny

staying on for a hit,
have you, darling?

Erm, well, I think you'll be
a little bit busy, today, darling,

with the dinner preparations,
as will we all.

I'm not playing the viola.

But, darling, you know how I get
if I don't have my workout.

I could set up the ball machine
for you, Mrs D.

Mind your own f*cking business,
Myles!

Roger that.

Well, our hands are tied, darling.
I mean, the debt ceiling...

Don't give me
'the debt ceiling means'.

I notice you've got all the people
you need here.

Well, to be fair, Rita's having
a bite before she goes home

and Myles's job
isn't to make the coffee.

Eugh! I'll say.

He's made some
out of the goodness of his heart,

and as for Ellen, she gets paid by
the publisher, so she doesn't count.

Morning, Cath.
'Morning, Cath!'

And what about him? Does he count?

(Curtis yelps)

No, I don't think he can read either.
(Laughs) Good one, Mr D.

Oh, shut up
and make me some more eggs.

No can do, Mrs D. I'm due
at the embassy at hours.

It's already half-past ten.

Alrighty, then! Poached, scrambled,
or in a power-shake?

OK!

Great car!

You should get another
couple of holes in the muffler.

I could almost hear that
radio station you were listening to.

Mind you, it was Fitzy and Wippa,
so maybe I should be grateful.

This is a favour, you know.

I'm supposed to be your
ghost writer, not your chauffeur.

This'll be great for the book,
this dinner.

Jimmy Carter did his best work
after the presidency.

The Geneva Accords,
the Nairobi Agreement.

Let's face it,
I'm not going to be recognised

for de-regulating
the therapeutic goods industry.

(Sighs)

Big day planned, Sonny?

Soon as I finish here,

I'm off home to take the wife in
for some X-rays of her leg.

She's been looking forward to it
for weeks.

Wow, that sounds great, Curtis.

I wish I was doing
something that exciting.

You can come if you want.
(Tennis ball thuds)

No, no, I wouldn't want to be
a gooseberry.

(Ball machine pops)

Lean into it, Rita. Like you're
absorbing your own momentum.

No. No, down there.

Rita? Down there.

MAN, ON VIDEO: After the last fold,
you should have...

(Tennis ball thuds)

..a reasonable facsimile
of the Sydney Opera House.

Well done you!
Now we move on to lesson two.

(Dog whines)

Women!

SONNY: From down there and across.
That's it. You're getting it.

Yeah, yeah! See?

What the hell
do you think you're doing?

I'm just giving Rita some pointers.

(Speaks French)

I thought you said
you were taking the day off.

I was just walking past
on my way out...

Well, just keep walking, fella!
Catherine...

What are you staring at, dopey?

Oh, I was just admiring Rita's lobs.

Well, come inside, please.
I've got a job for you.

I think we've been here before.

Well, I wish I'd come back
as somebody

who could read Sonny's handwriting.
I thought he printed it out for you.

He did,
but he put these Post-It notes on

so I didn't have to
read the whole thing.

I can't make head nor tail of it.

This halal butcher is supposed to
be near the western entrance.

Why don't we just ask someone?

No, no, no, I don't like
asking people for help.

It makes me feel needy and dependent.

Could you ring Sonny
and ask him what that word is?

I'm not ringing Sonny.
Apparently this is the first day

he's had to himself
since his appendectomy.

Alright, alright, alright.

Well, let's go outside and try
and find the western entrance.

'You are here.' I know where I am!
Why doesn't it tell me where to go?

There's a butcher just there.

Well, you can't go and ask him
where another butcher is.

Why not?
'Cause it's... conflict of interest!

Ah! Hello there, lovely lady.

Hi there. Can you tell me, is there
a halal butcher around here?

Yeah. We do halal meat here.
Choice cuts too. Bloody lovely.

Certified?
Yeah, comes with a certificate.

What are you after -
top side, medallions?

We got a lovely brisket
out the back.

No, no, no, we're after
a boneless tenderloin roll.

Ah, beauty.
Got one out the back ready to go.

Halal?

Yeah, halal as they come.
Won't be a sec.

What's with all the winking?
He's just being friendly.

He's undermining everything he says.

Maybe it's a tic
brought on by mad cow disease.

Yes, well, let's hope so.

Oh, lucky last!
Prime cuts for a prime minister.

Very good.
There's your certificate.

Thank you.
What else can I do you for?

Is there a kosher butcher nearby?
Yep, we can do kosher meat as well.

Really?
Yeah.

Won't find better anywhere else.
Eh? (Clicks tongue)

Back in a moment.

Same cut of meat! How does that work?

I don't imagine they're doing
the slaughtering on the premises.

No, I see how it is - the rabbi's
working one side of the cow

and the imam's working the other,

and the kosher meat overhears,
'Allahu Akbar.'

Suddenly it's halal as well.
It's a good system.

They probably make them off-site

like those egg sandwiches
at the airport.

You can't get kosher egg sandwiches.

Today is your lucky day.

Last turkey in the shop,
as it turns out.

Very good.

And there is
your certificate of authenticity.

Thanks very much for your help.

No problem. That'll be bucks.

Jesus Christ!

Oooh!
There you go.

Thank you.

And just a reminder, sir,

there's a two-for-one offer on
the house bubbly for the next hour.

Er, thanks, no. It's just me today.

All done, Mrs Dugdale.

Oh, nice work, Curtis,

but I don't think we're
gonna need quite that many.

Muslims don't drink alcohol

and I think the Israeli ambassador
is teetotal.

Tea, eh?
Total, yes.

Cups and saucers, then.

No alcohol - are you serious?
Cancel my reservation.

You could make yourself useful
and polish the silverware.

I'm onto it, Mrs Dugdale.
I'll just grab the WD- .

No, Curtis. It won't k*ll my daughter
to pull her weight for a change.

Playing Candy Crush.
What level?

.

Carol, I cannot do all this
by myself!

I've got to choose my dress,
get my hair done,

get to the half-day spa and have
my colonic all by three o'clock!

It's not all about you, you know!
Oh, sh*t, Mum!

You totally made me f*cking fail!

I'd cleared all the jelly
and everything. Even the fish came!

If you want me, I'll be on Dad's
Facebook buying more lives!

And you are playing the viola
tonight for your father!

(Door slams)

Kids, eh?

Glad I don't have any.

I guess it's just you and me,
eh, Curtis?

What is your first name, by the way?

After all these years,
I can't believe I don't know.

Curtis.

Curtis Curtis?

Curtis C Curtis.

Unclip me, will you, Curtis?

(Whimpers)

What's wrong?

Well, I...

I need to try some things on.

I can't get at the hook and eye
with my bad shoulder.

Well, it's just that...
here we are -

your husband's away shopping,
your daughter's downstairs.

You asked me my name

and now you want me
to unclip your hook and eye!

What's your point?

Mrs Dugdale,
are you trying to seduce me?

Of course not, you moron. Get out!

Oh! Oh, I'm sorry, Mrs Dugdale.
I completely misread the signs.

Get out or I'll call security!

Actually, Myles has been reassigned
because of the shutdown...

I'll taser you myself!

It's not that I don't like you,
Mrs Dugdale!

It's just more spiritual
than sexual!

I think it's great that
even though you're out of office,

you still want to
contribute something.

It is selfless, isn't it?

Although I try not to
think of it in those terms.

If you bring peace to the Middle
East, you'll go down in history

as one of the most
selfless people ever.

Recognition for one's selflessness
isn't important, Ellen.

Helping Arab and Israeli
to live together in harmony,

that's what it's all about.

You're so selfless,
you don't care who gets the job?

No, no, no, just as long as
it's not that prick Neil Blanchard.

Can I quote you on that?
No, no, apricot.

That reminds me, we've got to pop
into the non-GM fruiterer. Come on.

Why not?

Because I'm not
eight years old anymore!

It'll come back to you.
It's like riding a bike.

I would rather ride a bike!

I would actually rather
go downstairs on a bike

and ride around for everyone,

like that orangutan in Phuket,

riding around on a tricycle,
smoking a cigar,

and everyone can laugh
and throw money at me.

This job is very important
to your father!

Just one piece -
as a sort of gesture to hospitality.

And then you can come back up here
and eat your dinner

and read The Bell Jar.

Why don't you just play
an Andre Rieu CD?

Only if you mime to it.

Alright, I'm off.
My colon's not going to clean itself.

(Ball machine whirrs)

Did we get the dried gluten-free
papaya for the Palestinian's wife?

'Cause she's a coeliac, remember?

Yeah, we got it after
we went to the nut allergy place.

Uh-huh. And the diabetic
oat raisin cookies for the Israeli?


Yes, yes, and here's
the soy-and egg-free gravy mix

for her husband.

Their dietary requirements are
k*lling the art of the dinner party.

That and the fact that no-one offers
to help with the washing up anymore.

I think if you're invited
over for a meal,

you shut up
and eat what you're given,

unless you're Amanda Vanstone -

that woman cannot throw
a fondue party to save her life.

The halal meat gets put
on an incline board

to have any excess
blood drained off.

Check.
And we use the kosher salt

on the other one
to absorb the blood, right?

Exactly, remembering to put it
in the separate fridge after

to stop it coming into contact
with any dairy products.

Although can we put it
in the same fridge

as the tofu cheesecake
and the soy milk?

'Cause they're not dairy,
but they look exactly the same.

What?

Do you remember
which side of the kosher meat

you picked up the halal meat from?

Er... the left?

My left or your left?

Oh, I'm not sure.

Right.

Mr Dugdale, sir, I just wanted
to take this opportunity,

while your wife
is having her colonic,

to assure you that nothing at all
went on between us

while you were away,
as God is my witness.

You're a religious man, aren't you,
Curtis? You're Catholic.

Yes, and I'm prepared
to swear to all this on the Bible,

Mr Dugdale, sir.
Alright, ethical question.

If you ate
an unconsecrated communion wafer...

And you didn't know it.
Yeah, and you didn't know it.

How could I not know I ate it?

No, you know you ate it, you
just don't know it's unconsecrated.

Although there's a - chance
it might have been consecrated.

Yes, that's true.

I suppose I could have
inhaled it while I was asleep.

OK, hang on, how about this?

If you were possessed by the devil
and had holy water thrown at you,

but it turned out
not to be holy water,

would it still burn your skin?

I don't think you're comparing
apples and apples here, alright?

This is more like if a Hindu
accidentally ate some beef...

Can't inhale beef.
..thinking it's eggplant.

What?
I tried it once.

Although there's a - chance
it was eggplant.

I'm allergic to eggplant.
And apples.

Why are we even talking to him?
Where's Sonny?

Don't ring him!
Word is he's on a date.

Really?

You know, he never tells me
about his private life at all,

although I'm glad
he's seeing somebody.

I'll have one of those.
BARTENDER: Not a problem.

Hi.
Hi!

Is anyone sitting here?

Not at all. Please.

Why can't we just go back to
the butcher and buy some more?

Well, he said they were
the last ones. Be closed now anyway.

Plus I've already spent on them.

Look, we've got the certificates.

The cow is k*lled
in exactly the same way.

Anyway, it's more
of a hygiene sort of thing, isn't it?

I suppose.

(Licking)

(String quartet plays)

An excellent meal, Mr and Mrs
Dugdale. (Speaks foreign language)

I quite agree.
'Zaki', we would say in Ramallah.

Well, thank you, either way.

That we can sit down
and share the same meal is,

I think, a good thing.

That we can gather together at the
table of our friend to break bread

is an important step.

Providing it's unleavened pita bread.

(All laugh)

Your husband has a very Palestinian
sense of humour, Mrs Dugdale.

Mmm. I've always thought so.

Very reminiscent of Saleem Dabbour.

Oh, yes. Yes, yes, yes.

How could any enjoyer of...
(Whispers) Theatre.

..theatre not have
heard of that... that...

(Whispers) Gentleman.
..gentleman?

Yes, love him.

I would have said
Mr Dugdale's comic sensibility

is more Jewish than Palestinian.

Well, humour is universal,
though, isn't it?

For example, as I understand it,

Jerry Lewis is still
very, very popular in Algeria.

Oh! (Applauds)

Wonderful! Wonderful!

Carol, that was beautiful! Thank you!

Our daughter. She's
a wonderful, wonderful musician!

Tell me, how has
our Secret Service man

been looking after you
and your family, Dr Suheir?

We have been most happy with him.

I hope you are not favouring
your other guests

with extra security, Mr Dugdale.

It is not a helpful quality
in a diplomat.

No, no, no, no, Myles is
a very junior level operative.

More for show than anything else.
Isn't that right, Myles?

Myles!
Hmm? Ah, yes, sir.

If anything, I think you are
favouring your Jewish guests.

I see the ambassador and his wife

have generous dollops of
MasterChef foam on their tournedos.

Well, it is true, Andrew.
There is much foam.

Really? That is unfortunate.

Oh, there's no foa...
Favouritism, is there?

No! No, no, no, no, no!
Of course, no.

Ellen is right.
There's no favouritism at all.

It's all swings and roundabouts
in the Dugdale kitchen.

In fact, if you look at your plate,
you'll see that you and your husband

have got a lot more
egg-free soy gravy.

Well... I'm soy-intolerant.

Would you like some of our foam?

No, thank you.
It's just like it is on MKR.

I think you'll find MasterChef
were the first ones

to popularise
the use of foam on plates.

I think you'll find it was MKR.

MKR simply appropriated it,

as they did so many other things
from MasterChef.

With respect,
that is complete bullshit!

Hey, hey, hey, hey! Hey!
Come on, people, please.

MKR, MasterChef -
what's the difference?

Aren't they simply different roads
to the same destination?

Good food and good company.
Chin-chin.

That is such an ignorant thing to
say. You cannot compare the two.

I agree. Completely different
agendas are being pursued.

It is like saying
that our two religions

are based on the common ground
of not eating pork.

Well said!

Well, isn't it also said
that the road to Damascus

is paved with good intentions?

I think you'll find the road to
hell is paved with good intentions.

In any case, Damascus is in Syria.

Yes, but it's in the same
general area. That's my point.

And the roads are in such
terrible condition over there

that it looks like a hell-scape.

Anyway, at the end of the day,
aren't we all the same,

when you ignore our differences?

Look at what we could achieve

if we put aside our petty traditions
and tribalisms.

We have, for example,

Shia and Sunni forging together
as a single unit against IS,

and Christians and Jews
getting on a lot better

than they have ever done
historically,

particularly if you go back
as far as the Inquisition.

And both of you remember this -

the very important thing
that joins you together, I think -

anti-Semitism.

It doesn't just apply to Jews,

it applies to anyone in the region,
regardless of faith.

I think we'll dine
elsewhere tonight, Mr Dugdale.

I quite agree. Mrs Dugdale.

Can we give you a lift?
Where is nice?

Uh, if you guys are interested,

us bods are hooking up with some
mates at the local Indian joint.

Mm. Mm.
Ah, Indian!

They do these super yum
deep-fried coconut balls.

Oh, my God! You're gonna love 'em.

Ah, to hell with my diet.

Do you guys know
where you're going?

Don't worry, Mr D.
I'll have her home by midnight.

Thank you, Myles.

(Whines)

Well, that was fun.
I'm off to bed. Goodnight.

Goodnight, darling.

You know, I think you're right.
What?

No-one ever offers to help
with the washing up anymore.

I think that's the real problem
with the world today.

It's easy enough to get people
to come together for talks.

It's a lot harder
to get them to work together

to clean up whatever mess they make.

Not your forte, you think?
I don't think so.

Catherine always
said that Neil Blanchard

was much better at diplomacy than me.

Good luck to him.

So, if you had your time over again,

would you have ordered
the halal and kosher meat online

and had it delivered?

No, no, no, does you good
to get out occasionally.

Oh, hi, Sonny. How was your day?

It's... great. Yours?

Oh, never did get to
that bloody X-ray appointment.

Wife was furious,
particularly when I told her why.

Anyway, long story short,
nothing happened.

Night, Curtis.
Night, Sonny.

Hey, guys.
ANDREW: Sonny.

Need any help?
Sure. Grab a tea towel.

You know, maybe I should try
for special envoy to the Vatican.

ELLEN: Are you Catholic?

ANDREW: Nearly. C of E.

(Car door slams)

(Groans)

(Glass shatters)
f*ck!
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