03x17 - Black Vortex, Part 4

[bunniefuu]

[Quill] Okay. The good news is,
we saved the shrunken Kree home world,

which is expanding back
to its normal size.

The bad news...

[computer] Self-destruct
in two minutes.

is fairly self-explanatory.

[alarm blaring]

This is it, everyone.

[clicks]

Peter, wait.
Did you see that mirror

in the weapons vault?

You mind, Gamora?

I'm trying to spend my
final moments in this galaxy

with some mid-'70s
one-hit wonders.

They may not have to
be your final moments.

That mirror is called
the Black Vortex.

Thanos said it was an
indestructible prison.

Drax approves of indestructible.

Yeah, well,
Rocket don't approve of no prison.

I am Groot.

Good point, bud.

Ain't a prison in the
galaxy I can't escape.

The thing is, this prison
isn't exactly in the galaxy.

- [alarm continues blaring]
- [Quill] I don't know, Gamora.

This thing looks,
like, super evil.

Self-destruct in 15 seconds.

Who am I to judge?

Everyone hold hands so
we don't get separated.

I am Groot!

[yelling]

[yelling]

[Gamora on comm link] Quill,
keep following your Groot branch.

I think we're getting
closer to each other.

[Quill] Ten-four, good buddy.

I still don't know
how we got separated.

We all jumped into
the mirror together.

Thanos once described the Black
Vortex as a prison of your own making.

But I don't know if he meant
that it's a physical place,

a state of mind,
or something else.

Quill? Quill?

Oh, cool!

Wait. What's cool?
Nothing should be cool.

Quill, where are you?
What's going on?

Quill, what's happening?

♪♪ [8-bit era video game]

Ah! Only the coolest thing ever!

♪♪ [8-bit version of
Guardians of the Galaxy theme]

This can't possibly end well.

♪♪ [8-bit era video game]

[Gamora on comm link]
Quill, do you read me?

Something's wrong.
My Groot flower's fading.

Where are you?

[beeping]

[Quill] Sit tight, Gamora.

Quill!

Don't worry.
It's just the game starting.

[gasps] Quill!

What did you do?

What happened to me?
Where are we?

[Quill] A wondrous place where I spent
many golden hours of my childhood.

A place where I lived and
d*ed, one quarter at a time.

Welcome to the world
of video games!

Okay, I get it. You're excited.
But stop fidgeting!

We're not fidgeting.

It's just the way
you move in 8-bit.

And this is the way
I move in 8-bit.

Dad?

[beeping]

Welcome, brave warriors.

Take one of these items

to help you on your quest.

The Shield of Unknowable Fate!

The Sword of Limitless Courage.

Aw, it's the Flute
of Infinite Melody!

Oh, man,
we gotta pick the right one.

[sighs]

Gamora, wait!

[yells]

[grunts]

Okay, first,

you should've picked the
Flute of Infinite Melody,

which was clearly the
most powerful item.

I know it's counter-intuitive,
but trust me on that.

And second, you can't just take out
the only helpful character in the game!

First, it was J'Son,
so he's probably evil.

And second,
I'm not interested in playing games.

The realities created by the Black
Vortex are just distractions.

We need to get out of here
and find the others, fast.

[grunts]

[grunting]

Yeah,
this is a co-op side scroller.

You can only move
forward together.

And once you leave an
area, you can't go back.

[chimes]

Coins! Yes!

Quill, wait.

This is a stupid waste of
time even by your standards.

- [beeping]
- Coins! Coins, coins!

Coins!

[beeping continues]

I mean, I know you're normally
distracted by shiny objects,

but why are you doing this?

It's how you score points.

Come on. You better hurry.
I'm gonna get 'em all.

F'sakis! Stay back!

Wait. They can sh**t fireballs?

[grunts]

[bell jingling]

Aw, man.
[groans] I hate when that happens.

[yells]

[grunting]

Oh. What a surprise.

This video game sword is completely
useless against these things.

Duh.

Aah!

See, the Flute would've
put them to sleep.

So we'll have to use
an old-school method.

Watch and learn. [grunts]

[grunts]

This is ridiculous.

Yeah, ridiculously effective!

- [screeches]
- [groans]

[grunts]

I hate it when he's right.

[both grunting]

[beeping]

That's it!

[grunting continues]

Come on! Let's go!

Go where?

The end of the level,
where you find the princess.

We're not looking
for a princess.

No,
but we are looking for Groot.

♪♪

Will you just let me do
the talking this time?

[beeping]

Hello, great wizard.
Please, we...

- Okay, old man, where's Groot?
- [groans]

Your Groot is in
the next castle.

But some stones hold secrets.

Wait. You mean we have to go through
all that again to find another castle?

Oh, maybe not. I think there's a
hidden shortcut in here somewhere.

[beeping]

I'm through playing. [yells]

Okay, you have to stop
slicing the people we need.

Now, unless we find another
shortcut, we have to go through

every level until
we reach the end.

How many levels are there?

Two hundred and fifty-six.

It's a pretty standard
number in video games.

[beeping]

♪♪

♪♪ [fanfare]

[electricity arcing]

So, we have to go through
this 255 more times?

Well, if you hold them off,
I might be able to enter a cheat code.

Wait. Hold who off?

[grunts]

Ronan!

[grunting]

Seriously?

Left-right-left-up-down-
up-A-B...

[groans] No, it was right-left-up-
down-A-B-left-right-down-up...

[groans] Right-right-left-
up-up-down-down!

Quill, what are you doing?

Oh, give me a break.

I'm a little rusty.
Left-left-right-down-down-up-up!

[grunts, yells]

Aaahh!

Gamora!

[gasps]

What... What just happened?

You lost your life.

Be careful.
You only have two left.

♪♪

[yelling]

[grunts] Left-down-left-up-
down-right-up!

Yes!

Oh, Princess Bubble
Funtime Flotation Suits!

Quick, put it on.

No. Just... no.

- Hurry. We can fly straight to the final boss level.
- [yells]

[groans]

Why does the Vortex keep trying
to put me in ridiculous clothes?

♪♪

[sighs] You will tell
no one about this.

Well, why tell...

[beeping]

[camera shutter clicks]

when you can show?

♪♪

Well, that's weird.
On the last screen,

you usually have to fight
some huge boss monster.

Fools!
I have lured you to your doom!

♪♪ [menacing]

[roaring]

[evil laughter]

Dad is the bad guy. I knew it!

You did not! You kept saying

- we should trust him.
- Well,

That's not how video games work.

- Aah!
- [evil laughter]

Quill!

Oh, wow.

That was so weird.

Quill, focus!

[grunts, yells]

[grunts, yells]

Got a cheat code for this?

No cheat codes on
the boss level.

Only video game
techniques will work.

But how? We can't reach him.

[roaring]

Time to b*at the boss. [yells]

Quill!

Oh, come on!

I didn't know he could do that.

So what now?

Normally, I'd play the game

- [evil laughter]
- a hundred times and figure out all the patterns.

But we're on our last lives.

[Quill] Oh,
super power-up pizza!

I'll keep J'Son busy.
You eat it.

How is eating gonna help?

Trust me,

ya always eat the blinky-flashy
things in video games.

[evil laughter]

Hey, beardo!

Your graphics are low-res,
and your level design is lame.

[chomping]

[yells, grunts]

[grunting]

[grunting]

[grunting]

[beeping]

[grunts]

[beeping]

You may have won the game,
but you'll never escape.

Where's Groot?

Your Groot is not
in this castle.

I'll bet ya this map you dropped
will show us the way, am I right?

[yells]

- ♪♪ [fanfare]
- [beeping]

Ha! I b*at you.

Whoa.
I thought you weren't playing.

I'm not. I'm winning.

In that case, game over!

[beeping]

[insects chirping]

[birds squawking]

Ehh.

Sore loser.

I guess I'm the new
high score champion.

Are not.
Look, that was a co-op game.

I told you to get
the super power-up.

Do we wanna know what
he's yammering on about?

Rocket! Drax!

Uh,
what are you guys doing here?

We could ask you
the same question.

What are you doing here?

And apparently we will.

- Well, the important thing is we're all back together.
- Ew.

Now we just have to find Groot.
Ugh!

Looks like he's still out there.

This map should lead
us right to him.

So, lead the way... champ.

Hmm, mm...

[sucking teeth]

Uh...

Mm, mm...

Yeah...

Maybe indulging in your
childhood diversions

wasn't a total waste of time.

That admission of my rightness

wouldn't have anything to do
with a photo of a certain someone

wearing a Princess Bubble
Super Funtime Flotation Suit,

would it?

One more word, and I remove that mask...
with your head still in it.

[both laughing]

[snickering]

[Rocket] So we found each other
in this crazy Black Vortex,

but we still ain't found Groot.

Just keep following
the glowing flowers.

Groot's branches will
lead us right to him.

Who needs branches, Gamora?
I got a map.

A map which is leading us to the
exact same place as the branches.

I don't trust the Black
Vortex or Quill's map-reading.

But I trust Groot. He's inside.

[Rocket] Well,
this ain't ominous.

At all.

I disagree, Rocket.
It is extremely ominous.

[Rocket sighs] You just gotta suck the
joy out of sarcasm, don't ya, Drax?

The Black Vortex
can read our minds.

It knows our fears and can bring
our greatest enemies to life.

So clear your minds,
and definitely do not think about Thanos.

Eh... Aww!

[roars]

Really, Drax? Ronan?!

I did not think of Thanos.

But I never truly had my
final battle with Ronan.

Come to me, Destroyer,
and we can battle forever!

The taste of vengeance will
always be on your lips.

[yells]

[grunts]

[both grunting]

[groans]

I'll show ya vengeance!

Don't listen.
It's the Black Vortex talking.

It's inside our minds.

Well,
the joke's on the Black Vortex.

Because you don't have a mind?

No. Because Ronan isn't
my greatest enemy.

[water splashing]

[Rocket] But he is.

We have all eternity here, son.

Let's hug it out.

Thanks, Dad,
but you're already taking up

way too much of my headspace.

Aah!

- [grunts]
- [grunts]

[yells,
grunts] Remember why we're here.

Don't fall into the
Black Vortex's trap!

[grunts]

Yes, I am not here
to seek vengeance,

but to rescue a friend in need.

And ain't nothing
gonna stand in our way!

Huh?

[yells]

[grunts]

[grunting]

Well, that wasn't so hard.

He is right behind me, isn't he?

Sort of.

Ehh...

[both roaring]

Hey! No fair combining!

We have to work together.

Eat pyro-bombs, goo-face!

- [grunts]
- [yells]

[yells]

Focus your att*cks!

Concentrate on the same spot!

Huh?

[Drax yells]

[w*apon powering up]

[grunts]

[yelling]

Huh?

Groot must be through there.

[roars]

I am... the Black Vortex.

Groot?

You cannot stop me,
fragile fleshlings.

I will escape this wretched
prison and rule the galaxy.

That's the mirror
we came in through.

He's trying to escape
into our universe.

He will not escape my wrath!

Easy, Drax.

That wrath might hurt Groot.

The real Groot.
He's still in there somewhere.

The entire universe is at stake.

We have to do whatever it takes
to stop the Black Vortex...

even if it means
sacrificing Groot.

[Black Vortex Groot roars]

[Quill] No way.

We're a team, and no
man, woman, plant,

or not-rodent-thing
gets left behind.

[grunting]

Stay away from the mirror!

[both grunting]

You Guardians are
nothing but failures,

outcasts, and thieves!

[groans]

I've looked into your hearts.

Deep down, you know your past
victories were merely blind luck.

I shall leave you here,
imprisoned for all eternity,

lost and forgotten.

[grunts]

[grunts] You will
never leave this place!

All that strength,
and you could not save your own family.

Nothing can destroy your shame!

[yells]

[grunts]

Stay back!

[grunts]

[grunts, groans]

Deep down, you know you deserve this
fate, daughter of Thanos.

You could never atone
for your past deeds.

I can't let ya do it, bud.

I know you're still in there.
So you'll forgive me.

[grunts]

How can you hope
to save the galaxy

when you can't even
save your only friend?

Once again,
you will be alone in the universe.

Get outta my bud! [yells]

[cries out, groans]

[Rocket] That branch!
It's driving out the black goo!

If we can reattach the others...

Maybe we can cure Groot!

[Black Vortex Groot groaning]

[roaring]

I'll keep him distracted.

We may be a bunch of
lost, broken losers...

[grunts] but Groot
is our friend,

and we're not letting
him go without a fight!

[crying out]

[yells]

[grunts]

[grunts]

[crying out]

[grunts]

I am Groot!

I'd never leave ya, bud. Never.

[roaring]

Uh, speaking of leaving...

Everyone through the
mirror, now!

[roars]

[pants, grunts]

Drop that mirror! Drop it!

[grunting]

[Gamora, Drax grunt]

[Groot] I am

Grooooot!

No! I got ya, bud!

[grunts]

[Quill] Do like Gamora said.

Concentrate on the same
spot, together!

[Black Vortex Groot yells]

Go! Go!

[all grunt]

[Black Vortex Groot] No!

I cannot be defeated
by the likes of you.

I am unstoppable!

I am decay! I am...

I am Groot!

[grunting]

[yells]

[groans]

Noooooo!

[groans, sighs]

Yes! See that, universe?

We saved you... again!

[Gamora] Give it a rest, Quill.
There's no one here.

Where are we?
I do not recognize this place.

[Quill] I don't
either, but I like it.

[Gamora] "In honor of
the brave heroes who gave

their lives to save the galaxy"?

[Rocket] Uh, guys,

how long have we been gone?