03x19 - The Real Me

[bunniefuu]

[Quill sighs] I have
never been so glad

to see a giant,
severed head in all my life.

Got that right, Quill.

Bad enough the whole galaxy
thought we were dead.

Now the d'ast Nova Corps is
trying to make it happen for real.

Which might have something to
do with the fact that Nova Prime

has been replaced
by an evil robot.

Welcome, Peter Quill Who
Is Also Called Star-Lord.

It is good to be seeing
you mostly in one piece.

You wouldn't believe the
week we're having, Cosmo.

Cosmo believe,
because Cosmo read Guardians' minds.

But please not to worry.
Guardians are safe

- from no-goodniks here in Knowhere.
- [beeping]

Would these "no-goodniks"

include the woman currently
attempting to break into our ship?

[Gamora] Quill, Rocket,
shake her off, now!

- [growls]
- [engine sputtering]

We're trying,
Gamora, but somebody

decided to improve the controls
when they repaired the ship!

[beeps]

And why the flarg did
you install these lights?

I am Groot.

Great. Now,
if the crazy lady breaks in,

we can offer her a nice suntan!

[Guardians yell]

Groot, which one is the
"save our butts" button?

[grunting]

- [grunts]
- [beeps]

Uh, Cosmo, good news.

We are definitely gonna
make it to the hangar.

Bad news: we are
definitely gonna crash.

Okay, everybody hang on. I'm gonna try to
steer us a path far away from civilians.

[Rocket] Yeah.
How's that working out for ya?

[sighs]

[Quill] Seriously?

Well, we shook off
the mystery intruder,

the ship's in one piece...
mostly...

and no one got hurt.
I'm calling this a win.

Says the guy who don't
gotta fix nothin'.

We're not in the clear yet.

Personal cloaking technology
doesn't come cheap,

which means that intruder
is definitely coming back.

Relax. That's what we have
a psychic Russian dog for.

Hey, Cosmo,
you think you could be a good boy

and help us figure out
who's trying to destroy us?

[Cosmo] Many, many peoples
wants to destroy Guardians.

Come to Continuum Cortex and
Cosmo will help narrow down, yeah?

[chattering]

[Gamora] Stick together and
don't draw any attention.

Anyone here could be
a rat for Nova Prime.

Metaphorical rat.

Ah.

[chattering continues]

I am Groooot.

Ah! You lost your button-pushing
privileges back on the ship.

I am Groot!

Oh, flarg.

Uh, hey, guys?

I hate to break it to ya, but the
intruder we lost ain't stayin' lost.

She's right behind us.

Then let's deal with her while
we have the element of surprise.

I am Groot!

[grunts] Now!

[grunting]

[yells, grunts]

[grunts, groans]

[yells]

Trust me,
you don't wanna do this.

[Quill] Thing is,
we don't trust you.

[grunts]

So we do wanna do this.

Groot!

I am Groot.

Groot! No!

[grunts]

[Guardians grunting]

[blows landing]

[Guardians grunting]

[singsongy] I am Groot.

[moans]

And the lady behind
cloak number one is...

An Asgardian Valkyrie?

This day just got
infinitely worse.

Incorrect.
It was always this bad.

We were simply unaware of it.

Ignorance is bliss.
And right now,

so is a point-blank
blaster sh*t.

Whoa! Guys!
Did I miss something?

Asgardians are our friends.

Valkyries aren't
anyone's friends.

They're Asgard's
most lethal warriors.

A handful of them can
destroy entire planets.

There are worlds where
even seeing a Valkyrie

is considered an omen
of complete destruction.

[Rocket] So,
what kind of omen is it

when one of them
grabs you by the leg?!

[Guardians grunt, yell]

You, here, now!

Yeah, no, thanks. Gotta go!

- [panting]
- [object shatters]

Sorry! I'll pay for that!
I mean, I won't, but...

[grunting]

[bystanders murmuring]

[object shatters]

- Oh! Hey, that's a good deal. [yells]
- [clattering]

[sighs] Guys, I'm pretty sure I lost
her, so you're welcome.

[yells]

J'Que?

Aw, co... Listen,
I can't deal with my tab right now.

I've got bigger things to
worry about than units.

Oh, this ain't about
units, Quill.

[whimpers]

What? Since when?

Whoa! [grunts]

Wait a minute,
suddenly buff person with anger issues.

- [growling]
- J'Que, you been hanging out with Nova Prime lately?

[grunts]

[chuckles] Uhh...

[grunts]

Here. Have a drink on the house.

Oops. Forgot to add ice.

Oh! Star-Lord: one.

Ugly robot imposter: zero.
[yells]

[grunts]

[laughing]

Oh, um, did I say "ugly"?

[Gamora] Quill's not picking up his comm.
The Valkyrie must've caught him.

The Valkyrie did not catch him.

How the flarg do you know that?

Because she is right there.

[chattering]

Let's just focus on finding
Quill before the Valkyrie does.

[crackling]

Perhaps J'Que has seen him.

Considering he's covered in
ice, I'd say he has,

and not in a good way.

[yells]

Hey, nobody hurts Gammy!

And nobody hurts Quill but us!

J'Que, what did you do to Quill?

[J'Que's voice] I'd worry
more about what I'm gonna do

[normal voice] to you, Gamora.

[gasps] How many
of you are there?

More every day, sweetheart.

There's about to be one less.
[grunts]

[yells]

Since when is she on our side?

If you wanna run away again,
I don't mind the workout.

But you'll just make it harder for me
to protect you from your real enemies.

If you want to protect us,
why did you try to break into our ship?

Xandar is swarming
with Darkhawks.

I thought you had been replaced,
until the big guy att*cked.

'Hawks don't fight their own.

Whoa, whoa, whoa. Back up.

What exactly are Darkhawks?

A pain in the galaxy's rear end.

They're an army of robots that
can duplicate anyone they touch.

They tried to take over
Asgard centuries ago,

but we banished them to
their own private realm.

Oh, looks like a couple of 'em
managed to un-banish themselves.

"A couple"?
Try the entire Galactic Council.

They've all been secretly
replaced by Darkhawks.

If it is a secret,
how do you know?

Because they tried to
replace Prince Thor.

Fortunately,
his hammer isn't just for decoration.

Now Asgard shut its borders to
prevent a Darkhawk infiltration.

So why come chasing after us?

I know.
You hardly seem worth the effort.

But I have orders from
Thor to bring you back.

Although I could've sworn
there were five of you.

Peter! We have to find Quill.

You three, search the market.
I'll check Starlin's.

I'm coming with you.

Remember,
anyone could be a Darkhawk.

So sh**t first and
ask questions later.

I am Groot.

I do, too, ask questions!

You know, sometimes.

So, what exactly do I call you?

Do Valkyries even have names?

Why don't you just call me Val?

O-kay, Val.

You're a lot more casual
than most Asgardians I know.

I dropped the
"verilys" a while ago.

And you're not exactly
what I expected

from "the Most Dangerous
Woman in the Galaxy."

Care to find out
how dangerous I am?

[grunts]

You stay away from
her, or I'll...

do things to you...
that'll hurt!

Stand down, Peter.
Val's with us.

Oh, good, 'cause I was
not gonna win that fight.

You won't believe this, but I just fought
two more of those fake Nova Prime robots.

Darkhawks.

Uh, no, they were pretty silver.

At least the one who crushed
my Element Blasters was.

Oh, and he stole the other one!

And my tape player!

Or did I leave that in my bunk?

We'll look for it later.

Rocket,
you can call off the search.

We found Quill.

Uh, Gammy?

You sure about that?

It's a Darkhawk!

Darkhawk!

[together] Wait! I'm not a Darkhawk!
You're a Darkhawk!

Oy. Like one Quill
wasn't bad enough.

Oh, come on, guys.
I don't look anything like that.

Is that a chin? It looks like a small
shovel is coming out of your face.

Oh, ha-ha, Robo-Quill.

You know what only the
real Quill would have?

An Element Blaster!

Nice try, fake-y.

You may look like me,
but it's all just skin-deep.

Name the band with the number
one hit single in 1986.

None of us know that.

Name the first
song we danced to.

Ha! "I'd Make it You,"
by Kirby Krackle.

Oh, that doesn't count.

It's the first song I slow
dance to with every gir...

I mean, anyone could know that.

[Valkyrie] Including
the imposter.

Each Darkhawk can only copy one
person, but the copy's perfect.

They even duplicate
their victim's memories.

You couldn't have mentioned that before
I admitted to dancing with Quill?

Had to find out how
dangerous you really were.

Anyway, the obvious solution
is we take them both down.

Not gonna happen.

So, you are sweet on the Terran.

No, I'm stopping you from
violating your own orders.

Thor told you to bring the
Guardians, remember?

Yeah,
but he didn't say how many.

And I won't open the
Bifrost to a Darkhawk.

Cosmo will find the traitor.

He has an excellent
sense of smell.

Or he could use... oh, I don't know...
his psychic powers?

The choice is up to him.

[Rocket] So, what do you think
all these crates are for?

[Drax] Storing things.

Ehh! What I meant was,
when did the pooch become such a pack rat?

Doesn't matter.
What matters is...

[Cosmo] Finding which
Quill is fake, da?

And Cosmo will be happy to help.

Wait a minute.

How come I ain't
hearing you in my mind?

You are correct, Rocket.

I am hearing Cosmo's
voice in my ears!

That's 'cause it
ain't Cosmo's voice.

He's a krutackin' fake! Bad dog!

Stupid rodent should learn
to be keeping muzzle shut.

[growling]

Cosmo will be
happy to quiet you.

Back off, fake Cosmo-bot!

Sit! Heel!

Hey!

Darkhawks not take
orders from fleshlings.

Order this!

[grunts]

[grunts]

[grunts]

Aw, flarg.

- J'Que?
- Da.

All crates hold
Knowhere citizens.

[grunts]

We replace key individuals
in strategic locations,

then send originals back to Darkhawk
realm through Continuum Cortex.

Soon entire galaxy will
be ruled by Darkhawks

and never even know it.

[grunts]

[grunts]

Drax will not allow
that to happen,

nor will he allow you to
capture a former employer

who still owes him units!

Ignore Guardians.

They are unimportant.

[together] Who you
calling unimportant?

Okay, as Spartax prince,
Peter Quill is somewhat important.

But if Darkhawk copies Valkyrie,

Darkhawks will gain
access to Asgard.

Now, fetch!

[grunts] You'll
never reach Asgard.

Not on my watch.

Make that "our" watch.

[grunts]

[grunts]

Drax will watch as well.
[grunts]

[grunts]

[Guardians grunt]

I am Groot.

Why would I worry about the crates?
I don't got friends on Knowhere.

I am Groot.

So find a new fertilizer vendor!

[grunts]

[together] Guys, you okay?

Since when do you
care, fake Quill?

Just so you know,

helping us would go a long way
to proving which of you is real.

I know, but I can't fight a robot
with my bare hands. Right, other me?

Other me?

Little busy right now, human.

[Guardians grunting]

Ha! I knew you were the fake!

Well, of course you
knew, numbskull.

You're the original.

Wha... Aahh!

Guardians will please
to stay out of way

while Darkhawks copy
Valkyrie, da?

Quill!

I know, right? [yells]

Ugh.

Okay, look, I've got a plan.

I just need you to trust me.

But we don't trust you.

Rocket, I'm the real Quill.

Exactly.

Really? We're gonna do this now?

[grumbles]

Always. Never gets old.

[computer trilling]

Wait! If you let Val go,
the Prince of Spartax will surrender.

How very reasonable,
Peter Quill.

Please to finish
copying Valkyrie.

Darkhawk Cosmo have this.

Aah!

Psych! [grunts]

You know what's a bummer
about being a robot?

The whole made-of-metal part.

[cries out]

Don't move a servo.

Maybe your boyfriend's
not useless after all.

I wouldn't know.
I don't have one.

Magnets. Seriously?

[Rocket] Lousy plan, Quill!

Wait. What?

This is why we don't trust
the real you. [growls]

[Quill] See, now, that's low.
What'd I ever do?

Not much. That's the problem.

Seriously? You too?

[grunting]

Fine! I'll show you "not much."

- Time to send you Darkhawks back where you...
- [blows landing]

[Gamora grunting, laughing]

Gamora, please, stop smiling
while you're b*ating up fake me.

It's just really
creeping me out.

[yells, grunts]

[yells]

[Drax grunts]

These trash cans are really
starting to get on my nerves!

Huh? [grunts]

- [yells]
- I am Groot!

[yells] What?
Some of my best friends are trash cans.

Huh?

I am Groot!

[yells]

[thud]

- [grunts]
- I will say,

it's a lot easier to
tell you two a part.

[yells, grunts]

You're right. Let's fix that.

- [yells]
- [grunts]

[Quills grunting]

Quill!

[Quills together] No fair!
You ripped your clothes off!

I didn't rip my clothes off.
You did.

You've gotta be kidding.

Gamora, you have to get the
fake through the Cortex.

Yeah. Him.

No. Him!

- [Quills grunting]
- [blows landing]

Ughh!

Come on, Gamora.
You know the real me.

[grunting]

Which is me!

Quick, what color are my eyes?

- Uh...
- Yellow!

Exactly.

[grunts]

[both grunt]

But they are yellow!

Quill, close it, now!

[grunts]

[descending whirring]

But... [stammers] he was
right about your eyes.

So, why'd you pick me?

Because there's no way the real you
would remember something like that.

[yells]

[grunts]

Pathetic fleshlings will not
be stopping Darkhawk army.

Darkhawks are destined
to rule all galaxy.

Thank you.

Anything to help the Second Most
Dangerous Woman in the Galaxy.

[Rocket] Yeah, yeah, yeah.
We get it. You're both dangerous.

Now, can we move it?
Asgard awaits.

[weakly] I am Groot.

Heimdall, the Bifrost!

[Quill] Not until I
get all my stuff back.

[Guardians yell]

Valkyrie,
you arrive with our guests at last!

We must make haste.
Prince Thor awaits

the heroic Guardians
of the Galaxy.

And you, Peter Quill.

Thanks, Heimdall.

Wait. What do you mean,
"And you, Peter Quill"?

He just means you're one of a
kind, Peter...

thankfully.

[angry groan]