03x20 - Paranoid

[bunniefuu]

[Heimdall] Welcome, Guardians.

The Prince of Asgard
is eager to see you.

Valkyrie took longer than
expected to fetch you.

You know why I'm late, Heimdall.

Or did you shut
off your Allsight?

We ran into some
Darkhawks on Knowhere.

We had to take
care of them first.

Darkhawks?

Can we be certain these
are the true Guardians?

- ♪♪ ['70s pop rock]
- Sure,

long as Gamora kicked
the right Quill

into the Continuum Cortex.

♪♪ [continues]

What?

Definitely Quill.

♪♪ [stops]

Why? Who else would I be?

According to Rocket,
a robot impostor from another dimension.

I ain't saying he is, Drax.

I'm just saying he could be.

Aah!

[grunts]

Even my Allsight cannot pierce
the Darkhawks' deception.

After they tried to replace
Thor on the Galactic Council,

Odin ordered me to
seal the Bifrost

to ensure that no
impostors could enter.

I am Groot! I am Groot?

Not now.
The grown-ups are talking.

So, how do we know the Darkhawks
didn't pull the switcheroo on Thor?

[Thor] Let this be your answer!

Okay, I'm good.

A souvenir I picked up on my way
home from the Galactic Council.

The Darkhawk fiend never stood
a chance of infiltrating Asgard.

All due respect, Thor,
we should move out of the open

before your father discovers any
outsiders infiltrating Asgard.

So ol' One-Eye don't
know we're here?

My father ordered
Asgard's borders sealed,

while leaving the rest of the
galaxy to fend for themselves

against the Darkhawks.

I disagree.

Hiding from the Darkhawks
is an act of cowardice.

You dare call my father,

the ruler of Asgard, a coward?!

Absolutely not!

I said he was acting like one.

No one is calling
anyone a coward.

But we don't need to get involved
in yet another family conflict.

Please, my friends.
With your help,

I know my father
will see reason.

Yeah. Reason to vaporize us!

[Rocket] Okay, who called
Tall, Dark, And Impervious?

My father ordered the Destroyer
Armor to patrol Asgard for outsiders.

Well, great. Let the walking
tin can take us to Odin,

and we'll convince him
to fight the Darkhawks.

Boom! It's a little
thing called diplomacy.

Okay, big guy, take me to your All...
[yelling]

[groans]

It is named the Destroyer

for a reason, Peter Quill.

It does not take prisoners.

Too bad, 'cause I do!

[grunts]

Foolish mortal!
Do not antagonize the Destroyer!

Wait for it. And... boom!

Actually,
that was pretty clever.

Yeah.
Too clever for the real Quill.

You believe he is a Darkhawk?

[grunts]

We'll find out when
that thing blasts him.

The Destroyer won't use

its energy weapons
this close to the city.

It'll probably just pound
the life out of Quill.

You say that like
it's a bad thing.

Then Drax will
pound the Destroyer!

[yelling]

[grunting]

Guardians, hold!

[grunting]

[grunts, groans]

I am Groot!

Not now!

[chuckles] I ain't
seen nothing this funny

since Quill tried to
teach Drax to break dance!

Cease these att*cks!

I am Groot!

This is a fight you
mortals cannot win! Aah!

Oh, yeah?

Well, this mortal b*at
that thing once before.

I am Groot!

[grunts]

What part of "cease these
att*cks" did you not get?

Tell that to him!

Am I the only one who's noticed old
Iron Pants keeps attacking Quill?

Almost like he was
a Darkhawk spy!

[grunts]

Let us protect you, Guardians.

The Destroyer cannot
att*ck a citizen of Asgard

unless a crime has been
committed, as I am about to do!

Thor Odinson,
what have you done?

Father, I...

Why, against my decree,

are outsiders here in Asgard?

The Guardians have
come to aid us

in fighting the
Darkhawks, Father.

Valkyrie and Heimdall
brought them at my behest.

Then Valkyrie and Heimdall
have disobeyed my order

and betrayed my trust!

Surrender your
weapons of office.

You shall stand watch over the
statues outside my chambers

until I decide otherwise.

But, Father,
they were only following my orders!

Indeed! Which is why

your punishment will be far
more severe than theirs.

[sighs] My son,

you know only Asgardians
can be trusted.

Father, the Guardians
were in another dimension

when the Darkhawks
first arrived.

They exposed impostors on Xandar
and fought them on Knowhere.

I'm inclined to agree, Sire.

The Guardians are
resourceful and devious.

They once managed to sneak into
Asgard while you were sleeping.

Got all the way
to the World Tree!

This occurred on your watch?

'Tis beside the point.

The Guardians possess
the necessary skills

to sneak into the
Darkhawk realm,

free the captives, and expose their
impostors on the Galactic Council.

Impossible!

The Darkhawks serve the Serpent,

and the Serpent
cannot be defeated.

We do not know that.

I do know that,
because the Serpent is my brother!

After the Destroyer was
created in Asgard's forge,

my brother became
obsessed with its power.

He wanted an invincible army
of warriors just like it,

so he ordered the
Darkhawks to be forged.

The Darkhawks lacked the
Destroyer's unique power core.

But a mystical enchantment
allowed them to assume

the appearance and
memories of their enemies.

The Serpent vowed to seize the
throne of Asgard or destroy it.

We battled for centuries,
but I was unable to defeat him,

so I banished him

to the edge of
the galaxy itself.

But if his Darkhawk
minions have returned,

then the Serpent
will be watching,

waiting for any opportunity
to return to Asgard.

That is why we cannot risk opening
the Bifrost, even for a moment.

And why I cannot allow outsiders

to freely roam the
halls of Asgard.

That's ridiculous.

I'm no more a
Darkhawk than you are.

I escorted the Guardians
myself, All-Father.

No Darkhawk came
through the Bifrost.

Huh! That we know of.

Thor, take them to the dungeon.

Dude, trust me,

you can't let family loyalty stop
you from doing the right thing.

No, Father.

We cannot sit idly by while a
dark power threatens the galaxy.

The Guardians and
I are in agreement.

We must fight back against
the Darkhawk invasion.

And if you would imprison them,

then you must
imprison me as well.

Awesome speech, bro.

Yeah,
it's a bummer it didn't work.

Oh, my, my.

How could the favored
son of the All-Father

have fallen so far?

How do you like being on the
wrong side of the law, brother?

I may be on the wrong
side of the law,

and our father, Loki,

but I am still on
the side of right.

I will find a way out of this,

as long as I have loyal
and steadfast friends

like the Guardians
of the Galaxy.

[Quill] Am not a Darkhawk!

Are too a Darkhawk!

I picked the right Quill.

No robot could possibly act that...
Quillish.

Quill, if you are a Darkhawk,

you would tell me if I were
one, too, would you not?

Pardon me, brother,
while I amuse myself

with your "loyal and steadfast."

But, Drax,
if you are a Darkhawk now,

how did you know you
weren't a Darkhawk before?

I am not sure.
Perhaps I was always a Darkhawk.

[sighs] For all we know,
you're all Darkhawks.

Well, except for the shrub.
He's far too tiny.

[laughing]

I am Groot!

I am Groot, I am
Groot, I am Groot!

Well, now that we've
established that you are Groot,

I have one burning question:

Who cares?

[mocking Loki] I am
Groot, I am Groot...

[unintelligible]

Oh, yes, very mature.

Perhaps you can perform that when I
throw you on the hearth for kindling.

You would be wise
to hold your tongue

if you would speak
ill of my friends.

[Quill] Okay, look,
if anybody is a Darkhawk spy,

we can't do anything about it
until we find a way outta here.

- Right?
- [Rocket] That is the one smart thing

that's come out of your
probably Darkhawk robot mouth.

Eh, force fields always have a weak
spot somewhere along the bottom.

If there is a weak spot,

the Prince of
Asgard will find it!

- [grunts]
- [thud]

- [body thuds]
- Yeah, probably shouldn't do that.

[growling]

[thud]

[grunts, groans]

[growls] Aah!

Please, rodent,
don't spoil the fun.

I am Groot?

I think...
I think I can feel it weakening!

- [thud]
- [cries out]

[groaning]

I am Groot!

Hey, ya mind?

I'm workin' here.

[grunts]

We are free!
Well done, my friend!

Show-off.

[Thor] Our time is short.

We must send you on your secret
mission to the Darkhawk realm

before my father
discovers you are gone.

Cool. Just open our cell,
and we're outta here.

Ah-ah-ah! To open the Bifrost,

you'll need Heimdall's sword,

which is now in the armory,
guarded by the Destroyer.

And I'm afraid only one person

is cunning enough to
sneak past the Destroyer.

I'm afraid he's right.

Groot, free my brother.

I am Groot? [grunts]

[Thor] I will be watching you.

Good. Hopefully you'll
learn something.

Hold up there, bud.
I still ain't sure about these guys.

But you trust Loki?

To not secretly be a k*ller robot?
Uh, yeah.

Besides,
the fewer people we got sneaking

into a high-security
armory, the better.

He does have a point.

Rocket has a point?
You know something,

I'm starting to think
you're a Darkhawk.

Yeah, you kids sort that out.

We'll come back for you
once we have the sword.

I mean, we'd know if we
were Darkhawks, right?

That is exactly what I have
been trying to discern.

I will wrestle the
Destroyer to the ground

while you rob the armory.

What? We're trying not to be
seen, Goldilocks.

We're doing sneaky-sneaky.
That's what we're doing here!

[scoffs] You're
wasting your time.

I've been trying to get him to
sneak since we were infants.

But don't worry. I have a plan.

Ugh! That krutacker!

- And you were supposed to be watching him!
- [thudding]

I am Groot!

[gasps]

Oh, flarg.

For Asgard!

[grunting]

[yells, groans]

If I could just get my hands on
whatever powers that flargin' thing.

[thud]

[yells, grunts]

[groaning] Now, that hurt.

[yells, grunts]

[groaning]

[grunting]

There's gotta be a way
inside this thing! [grunts]

I am Groooot!

[grunting]

[cries out]

Oh, fine. Maybe one more.

[blow lands]

[grunts, groans]

Huh? [grunts]

Where ya been, ya krutacker?

[scoffs] I needed my scepter
to stop the Destroyer,

and I needed a distraction
to get my scepter.

My plan worked perfectly.

I am Groot!

Was that supposed to hurt?

[yells] Insolent twig!

[Gamora] You know, I'm starting to
think you really are a Darkhawk.

If anyone here is a
Darkhawk, it's you!

You probably kicked the wrong me
into the Continuum Cortex on purpose!

Then that would mean that
you're a Darkhawk too!

Oh, ye... Oh, yeah. Right.

But that's just what a Darkhawk
would want me to think!

Ugh!

How can such a large
sword be so hard to find?

I warn you, Loki, touch nothing!

[object clangs on ground]

[clattering]

I am Groot?

Not now, bud.

I am Groot?!

I said, "Not now"!

Lo! I have found it!

I am Groot! I am Groot!

You, rodent,

what is your pet shrub
prattling on about?

Beats me.
I can't understand a word of it.

Probably got something
to do with this!

I figure between the Destroyer's
power core and my own Darkhawk tech,

I oughta be able to
blow up all of Asgard.

[beeping]

[gasps] I am Groot!

[beeping]

[laughing] I know, right?

I was the k*ller
robot the whole time!

Is that hilarious, or what?

Deceiver!

I, Thor Odinson,
challenge you to battle!

Mark me, impostor,
you shall pay for your treachery!

[beeping continues]

Eh, no.

That was unexpected.

I am Groot!

Loki!

[groans] That was more expected.

Come on, guys. Guys!

Drax, hold the impostor down while
I b*at the disguise off of him.

Do not struggle, Darkhawk.
It will only make this more painful.

[Darkhawk Rocket] So
long, suckers!

I am Groot!

Okay, what did we just see?

Rocket is a
Darkhawk, with a b*mb

that could destroy
all of Asgard!

That little krutacker!

His betrayal makes me
very angry as well.

Which proves we're
not Darkhawks.

Then I am Drax!
I am so relieved!

Well, great. Now can we stop the
real Darkhawk from blowing up Asgard?

[beeping continues]

This way!

[stammering] I am Groot.

There he goes!

Found him!

Then I shall pummel him.

No, you can't pummel him.

- Rocket's the b*mb!
- Aah!

Oh, come on.
He's not that great.

I am Groot!

I am Groooot!

[sighs] I once
carried the valiant

to their eternal
reward in Valhalla.

Now I spend all day staring
at an empty hallway.

I stood watch over
all the Cosmos.

Point taken.

I am Groot!

A Darkhawk?

[Quill] Rocket's a Darkhawk, and he's
gonna blow up the city! Gotta run!

After them!

[clanging]

Get off of me, ya weed!

I am Groot! [grunts]

Hey! What are ya doin'?

That was my arm,
ya little krutacker!

No! No! No, no, no!

Quit messin' with my circuits!

I... am...

Groooot!

[yells]

[crash]

By my beard!

[groans] I am Groot?

[groaning]

By Odin's beard,
the small one has defeated the impostor!

All hail the mighty Groot!

- [Thor, Heimdall, Valkyrie] Huzzah!
- [Drax] Yay!

[b*mb beeping]

I am Groot. I am Groot!

[beeping continues]

Guys, the b*mb is still ticking!

Fear not. I shall destroy it.

Nay, Father! The Darkhawk said
it would destroy all of Asgard!

We have to defuse the b*mb.
Where's Rocket?

Oh, right. That's...
That's actually why we're here.

Is anybody here good
with expl*sives?

I am Groot. I-I...

[beeping continues]

I am Groot!

[beeping stops]

And Loki heroically
saves the day yet again.

Instead of running
around like a fool,

I located the Darkhawk's likely target...
our dear father.

And, of course, I can still
deactivate the Destroyer's power core,

even when it's not
in the Destroyer.

And now, Father,
I humbly accept your...

Forgive me, Father.

In disobeying your orders, I brought a
deadly enemy within the walls of Asgard.

I should never have
questioned your wisdom.

It's true,
you disobeyed my orders,

but you did so to
save innocent lives.

Your noble instincts do you
credit, my son.

And they have reminded me that
Asgard has a responsibility

to guide and protect
the lesser realms.

I approve of your plan.

Are you joking?

He brought a Darkhawk
to your very doorstep!

[Odin] He also brought the
Guardians, who saved my life

and my realm.

With my rather significant help!

Do not push your luck, son.

I see now that Asgard
cannot stand idle

while the Serpent
plots our destruction.

I will allow the
Guardians of the Galaxy

to venture into
the Darkhawk realm.

Uh, that's good, 'cause we're gonna go
there and rescue the real Rocket anyway.

[grunts] What?

Hey, if this baby could
destroy all of Asgard,

I bet it would do a real number
on Darkhawk headquarters.

So, we sneak into
evil-robot land,

rescue the real versions of
everyone they've replaced,

set the b*mb,
and run like flarg.

Simple.

Simple, but not easy.

Whether you succeed or not,

Asgard shall prepare for w*r.

Are you certain your team is
ready for the task before you?

We are Groot!