03x02 - Samwich

[bunniefuu]

[CHUCKLES]

- Mornin'.
- Hey.

Were we that loud last night?

Mm, kind of.

Sorry.

Wheeler's a bit of a screamer.

[BOTH LAUGH]

How's your love life these days?

Nonexistent.

What about that girl at the laundromat?

Oh, things got weird.

Like "clingy" weird?

No, like "choke me" weird.

Oh.

Well, keep your chin up.

Everybody goes through dry spells.

What's your longest?

Like, a week?

But I'm a chick, so it's not the same.

Yeah, your dry spells are voluntary.

Oh, sh*t. Is that the time?

I'm gonna be late. Here.

[SIGHS]

MISTY: Hi.

- DAVID: Morning.
- [GROANS]

Thanks for letting Misty and I
use the bedroom last night.

Yeah, no problem, just,
uh, wash the sheets.

What, you don't like 'em crusty?

Huh? Hey, you need
anything from the store?

I figure while I'm out in the
'burbs dropping off Misty,

I can hit up the A&P.

I thought you had your Columbia class.

- Not till : .
- Ah. Want ramen?

[DRONING MEDITATIVELY]

Okay, got it.

- Got what?
- It's my memory palace.

It's a mnemonic device invented
by the ancient Greeks.

Basically, you take something
you want to remember,

and place it like furniture in the rooms

of a mental house based on
somewhere you know really well.

Like, I use my nana's.

So, for instance, I imagined Ultraman

slurping a big bowl of ramen

- in her rec room.
- Why Ultraman?

Because he's Japanese
and f*cking awesome.

Mm. Isn't it hard to see Ultraman

through the clouds of pot smoke?

Dude, gave it up.

Haven't smoked since, like, March.

- You serious?
- Yeah, man.

Figure if I'm gonna be an educator,

I need to set a good example.

- Wow.
- Not even dealing anymore.

Oh, which reminds me...

[INHALES] Ah.

Sorry I can't help out
more with the rent.

I promise I'll pay my fair
share as soon as I get a job.

♪ ♪

♪ Whoo ♪

GETTY: Nasser.

- NASH: Ah, hello, sir.
- Hey.

How the hell are you?

Very good, sir. How are you holding up?

Me? Not bad, all things considered.

I'll tell you, this involuntary vacation

definitely has its upsides.

Huh. -I'm sleeping like a baby,
I'm exercising more,

working on my net game.

My blood pressure hasn't
been this good in years.

What's the situation in the showers?

I'm not gonna lie to you.

The water pressure is not good.

We're actually thinking of
forming a grievance committee,

and we are gonna send a
harshly worded letter

complaining to the warden.

So what are you doing here?

To what do I owe this
lovely surprise visit?

Well, actually, sir,

I've come with some upsetting news.

Uh-oh.

The Japanese wish to buy Red Oaks.

Says who?

Rebecca Horowitz.

Tough sh*t. It's not for sale.

Right. Well, according to Rebecca,

membership is down, and
the club is struggling.

That's what makes the
Japanese offer so tempting.

I don't care. Let 'em buy Windybush.

[CHUCKLES] They're not in the market

for a leper colony, sir.

What do they want with a
country club for anyway?

Skip says they're mad about golf.

You know what? These people,

they want to spend their yen

buying up half of Manhattan,
that's their business.

But they're not getting Red Oaks.

I'm sorry, no.

As-as Americans,

we have to draw a line.

You got to draw a line somewhere.

Otherwise, I'm telling you,
we're gonna wake up one day,

and Mt. Rushmore is gonna have
a f*ckin' Hello Kitty on it.

- I'm with you , %, sir.
- [POUNDS TABLE]

But what can we do?

[MUTTERS]

NEWS REPORTER [ON RADIO]:
Congress's Iran hearings

continued yesterday with testimony

- by Fawn Hall, a secretary...
- [RADIO TURNS OFF]

Sam, my man.

Hello, Terry.

- Here you go.
- What's this?

It's a new breakfast sandwich
I've been working on.

It's got fried egg, Italian sausage,

mozzarella, and roasted red peppers.

Sweet Jesus, Mary,
Joseph the Carpenter...

- I know, isn't it good?
- Mmm.

You missed your calling, buddy.

You know, I've often wondered
where I'd be if the Army had

assigned me to food services
instead of supply corps.

Could be you who's Burger King.

I sure as hell wouldn't
be working at the IRS,

I'll tell you that much.

Come on.

We gonna take us a little detour
on our way to the office.

- Where? -You'll see.
- [ENGINE STARTS]

[POP MUSIC PLAYING ON RADIO]

SAM: Okay, what am I
supposed to be looking at?

TERRY: It's for rent.

I noticed it the other day

when I was dropping off my dry cleaning.

Okay. So?

Your sandwiches...

Oh, stop it.

- Oh, you can't be serious.
- Yeah.

No. -Give me
one good reason why not.

Because I'm a heart patient.
I need the health insurance.

Look, I'm not gonna give
up government benefits

just to open a sandwich shop.

Ain't nobody saying nothing
about quitting the IRS.

All right, I don't know
what you're talking about.

We can do this on the side,

partner. [LAUGHS]

You can't be serious.

I even got the name all set up.

Oh, yeah, what?

"Samwich," with an "M."

[LAUGHS]: Get it?

- Yeah, that's great.
- It's good, right?

Yeah, it's great, it's great.
Come on, let's go.

TERRY [CHUCKLING]: Come on.

WHEELER: So the narrator Marcel

is just minding his business one day,

being this bisexual French dude,

having a little snack,

when all of a sudden he takes
a bite of his cookie...

or madeleine...

like, some French pastry. I don't know,

I never had one. Anyways,

he dunks it in some tea, and bam!

[POUNDS TABLE] -Hits him
like an acid flashback.

Totally mind-expanding.

He starts remembering
everything from his childhood.

And, like, the detail in
which he's recalling this,

or telling the story, is remarkable.

It-it's unlike anything
I've ever read before.

Thank you.

You have an interesting perspective

on Proust, Mr. Wheeler.

Thank you.

Never heard his madeleine

compared to a psychedelic trip.

Yes, I'm sorry about that.

Probably wasn't the best...

No, don't apologize.

It's insightful.

Okay.

Have you done many dr*gs?

- Um...
- If I'm not being too forward.

Not really. I mean, just weed.

- I don't even do that anymore.
- Really?

Yeah, that chapter of my
life is pretty much over.

You should really consider

making him the topic of your term paper.

Proust? I don't know, I mean, he's...

Come see me during
office hours next week,

and we can discuss it.

Okay.

♪ ♪

- Yeah, so?
- Colleen.

Aw, thank you so much. Thank you.
[DOOR CHIMES RING]

Oh, Gail!

I just wanted to pop in
and say congratulations.

Oh, thank you so much.

- Hey.
- Thank you.

Uh, where's the baby?

Oh, um, he's with Ricky this weekend.

- Mm.
- Yeah.

You should see him. He's getting big.

Oh, I bet.

He must be very big.

- I miss you.
- Oh.

Yeah, you know, I have been so busy.

- [CHUCKLES]
- That's my life.

Sowing your wild oats?

Oh, what are you talking
about, "sowing my..."?

- That's crazy. No.
- Yeah, that's not what I hear.

Mm-mm. [CHUCKLES]

Hey, listen, do you want
to maybe grab dinner

later tonight and catch up?

We could... we could
go out or, you know,

we could just do something
low-key back at my place.

Oh, uh, that's a nice idea.

I can't, though, 'cause I have plans.

Tomorrow brunch?

Uh... let me check.

- Okay?
- [DOOR CHIMES RING]

Oh! There's my David!

Oh, um, I'm gonna go get some food

- before it's over.
- Yeah, do that.

Hi, honey.

- Hi!
- Congratulations, Mrs. Mey...

- I mean, Rosen. I'm so sorry.
- Judy.

- I'm so sorry.
- Judy.

You remember my girlfriend, Misty.
Of course. Hi.

- Hi.
- Congratulations.

- Hi.
- A million dollars. Wow.

- I know.
- It's awesome.

Yeah. -We're just gonna get some food.
Okay, cool.

I'm so glad you came!

Why do you smell like smoke?

I can almost afford some of these.

Really?

Yeah, I mean, once I get my license.

Dr. Ron starts his hygienists
out at $ , a year.

Who's Dr. Ron?

The dentist I'm observing.

Oh, right. I'm sorry.

You definitely mentioned that.

You think he might offer you a job?

Maybe. He's super nice.

I like this one.

Three bed, two and a half
bath townhouse with garage.

Wonder what the monthly payment
on a $ , place would be.

Well, a -year fixed mortgage

at a current interest rate
of ten and a half percent

comes to about $ a month,

not counting taxes and insurance.

Did you just do that in your head?

It's crazy how fast my brain
works since giving up weed.

I can even hear what people
are thinking sometimes.

[CHUCKLES] Oh, yeah?

- Yeah.
- Okay.

What's that lady thinking?

WHEELER: She's thinking how much
bullshit it is that David's mom

is getting a party when she's
only been a realtor for a year.

[CHUCKLES]

And what about her? What's she thinking?

WHEELER: She's thinking, "If I just eat"

"this little sliver of cake, it's okay

"'cause I'm definitely not
gonna eat lunch today.

- "It's all right."
- [GIGGLES]

What the hell is that guy's problem?

WHEELER: He's wondering how
someone as beautiful as yourself

wound up with a schlub like me.

- Hey.
- Yeah?

So, my son David works in
the entertainment business.

How exciting!

Have you met anyone famous?

Uh, one time I drove
Cher to the airport.

Ooh! I love her.

Is that your father?

What is he doing? Did
you know he was coming?

- [DOOR CHIMES RING]
- No.

- How sweet is that.
- Hiya, hon.

- Aw.
- Congratulations.

Hey, sweetheart.

- [WHISPERS]: So sweet.
- How are you?

How do you do? I'm Sam Meyers.

- Hi.
- I used to be married to her.

Aw. -I'm gonna catch up
with Wheeler and Misty.

- Okay, sweetie.
- Listen, honey,

I don't know what you get somebody

who sells a million bucks
worth of real estate,

so I went with this.

You are so sweet.

That is so thoughtful.

- Thanks.
- Thank you so much.

I'm gonna go put it down.

[CHUCKLES] Good.

[DOOR SHUTS]

[LAUGHS]: Hey.

There you are.

Mom take you for a spin

- in her new car?
- No.

So... how's work?

- Yeah, it's good.
- Good.

Good.

Tell me what a production
assistant does again.

It's pretty much
whatever needs doing. -Like?

Like stopping traffic on location,

getting my bosses' cars washed,

getting lunch.

And all of this will lead to you
eventually becoming a director?

In theory.

Well, good. Good for you
for paying your dues.

This is what you should
be doing at your age.

Too many kids nowaday, they
think the world owes them

a golden ticket, you know?

And then they don't get it,

so they just throw in the towel,

start peddling dope

or stealing stereos, or...

hustling some guy in some p*rn theater

like Jon Voight did in...
what's that terrible movie?

- Midnight Cowboy.
- Midnight Cowboy.

That's the worst Western ever.

[BOTH LAUGH]

All right, let me have
one of those cigarettes

you've been trying to hide.

- Uh, no, no, no, no, no, no.
- Oh, come on, come on.

Just one. -I'm not contributing
to the corruption of a senior.

- "A senior."
- [BOTH LAUGH]

Smart-ass. Come on. Okay.
Let me just have a drag.

Come on, just one, one.
Come on, come on. -Uh...

Oh, my God, David.

Oh, I miss them so much. Oh.

Sam!

What do you think you're doing?

No, we were just admiring your car.

Oh. It's cute, isn't it?

I mean, it's not very
practical, but, you know,

I just thought, "Judy, you deserve it."

When was the last time you
did something for yourself?"

[CHUCKLES] I'm gonna find Wheeler.
Congrats again, Mom.

- It's awesome. Awesome.
- Oh! Okay, babe.

Listen, Judy, um...

can I ask a favor?

Oh, of course.

There's a little storefront
over on Upland Avenue

that's for lease; I think you
guys have the listing. -Oh, Sam!

Are you thinking of opening
your own practice again?

Well, not exactly. Just...

I-I'm just wondering, what do
they want a month for that?

I don't know. Let's go inside
and check it out. Come on.

NIGEL: What about Antoine?

DEREK: Unavailable.

NIGEL: Well, Freya?

DEREK: sh**ting an Evian commercial.

NIGEL: That Dutch kid,
Pieter whatshisname?

In Europe, directing his first feature.

NIGEL: Bloody hell.

B-Believe me, I've been through
my entire Rolodex, so...

Well, everyone can't be unavailable.

No,

but those that are available
won't work for free.

It's not free. We have a budget.

But barely.

Who'd have thought it would be so

bloody hard to book a director

for a bloody dog food commercial?

♪ ♪

I told you the budget was too low.

And I told you I owe Roger.

He's sent us a lot of
work over the years.

Keep looking. Find me someone.

I know I didn't go to film school,

and I've never directed
a commercial before,

but it sounds like they're desperate.

And they have, like, zero
budget, which is fine.

I'll do it for free, for the experience.

So, what do they have to lose?

So you're just gonna march
into Nigel's office

and pitch yourself?

No. He doesn't even know my name.

But I figured, if I can get
Derek to watch my reel,

maybe I've got a sh*t.

Okay.

But you're gonna have to be smart about

when you approach him.

Under no circumstance

go anywhere near him before he's
had his second cup of coffee.

And late morning is iffy, too,

because his blood sugar gets low.

- DAVID: So, like after lunch?
- But not right after,

because he gets sleepy.

I'd wait a few hours for
his food to digest.

But don't wait too many hours

because then you get into late
day when he starts getting

phone calls about all the
sh**t that are going late.

So, uh, like between : and : ?

Mm. I'd say : and : .

Don't you f*cking hang up on me!

f*ck!

♪ ♪

You are so close, Mrs. Patterson.

Uh-huh. -Okay? We're almost
done there. Hold on.

Just hang in there.

That's it. Good.

- All done, gorgeous.
- [SIGHS]

Remember, no eating for a few hours

until the novocaine
wears off, all right?

- [CLEARS THROAT]
- Janice, up front,

will help you schedule
your next appointment.

And I will see you in six months.

Oh, Mrs. Patterson, I'm...

sorry.

Twice a day, all right?

Another happy customer.

Very happy.

[CHUCKLES]

So, I like to flirt, all right?

It's harmless.

It helps put them at ease.

People get so stressed in the chair.

So what do you do with
your male patients?

Tell dirty jokes. You want to hear one?

[INHALES DEEPLY] Oh, boy.

All right, so this woman comes home

and she tells her husband,

"My gynecologist says I can't
have sex for two weeks."

And the husband, he stands there
and he thinks about this,

and then he asks,

"Well, what does your dentist say?"

[BOTH LAUGH]

- I'll have to remember that one.
- Oh, you won't have to.

Any guys in your chair are
gonna take one look up

at those green eyes and
it'll be game over.

♪ ♪

[EXHALES]

[TOOLS CLATTER]

Oh!

Oh. Oh, it smells like
a lion cage in here.

That's probably just
the grease trap. Yeah.

And t-the landlord says that
the cooler still works.

Fresh coat of paint and
this place will be nice.

- Yep.
- Oh... [SCOFFS]

TERRY: Sam, I'm gonna go check the back.

Sam...

can I talk to you for a minute?

Yeah.

I don't know if this
is such a good idea.

No, honey, all it needs
is a good scrub down.

No, that's not what I'm talking about.

You don't know the first thing
about running a restaurant.

No, but I have a lot of
practice eating at them.

No. Sam, I'm serious.

Do you realize that more
than half of new restaurants

fail in their first year?

Honey, t-this isn't a restaurant,

this is... it's a sandwich shop.

- Yes, but Sam, you know, you...
- Judy.

I need this.

It's been a rough couple of years.

Losing you, my business, giving up salt.

[LAUGHS SOFTLY]

I need a place I can call mine.

Place I can come to
after a long day of...

getting yelled at by taxpayers,

or, I... [CHUCKLES] just
make some kid happy

cooking up a grilled cheese.

TERRY: Well.

Good news is, is that the
plumbing still works.

SAM: And what's the bad?

Saw a couple mouse droppings.

JUDY: Mm-hmm.

Ah, my Gracie can handle that.

Mm-hmm.

- Yes?
- Uh, Dr. Fox?

Ah, Mr. Wheeler. Sit down.

You're just in time for tea.

I'm afraid I'm fresh out of madeleines.

[BOTH CHUCKLE]

So, have you given any more thought

to doing your term paper on Proust?

I did, but I think I'm
actually more into Faulkner.

I'm really digging The
Sound and the Fury.

Oh. And what about it speaks to you?

You know, I just think it's cool

how he tells a story from
different perspectives.

Like, Benjy the Ret*rded brother,

and Quentin, who I'm pretty
sure is gonna k*ll himself.

Does depression run in your family?

Hmm.

Um, not really.

I mean, my nana was pretty bummed

when they canceled Search for Tomorrow,

but I think she's over it by now.

Uh, what about schizophrenia?

- She's just old.
- [LAUGHS]

Um, how delightful.

I do enjoy your sense of humor.

T-Thanks.

I don't know if you're interested,

but my husband Cecil and I host
a little salon at our home,

twice a month for some of our
more promising students.

Cecil teaches in the
Classics department.

The next one is on
Tuesday, if you're free.

I'd love to show you some of
our Faulkner first editions.

[CHUCKLES] Okay.

Yeah, I mean, sounds great.

Wonderful.

Later.

See you then.

[CLOCK TICKING]

♪ ♪

[ALARM BEEPING]

Hey, Derek.

Am I disturbing you?

- On many levels.
- Oh, uh, sorry.

I-I can come back.

What do you want?

I was wondering if, maybe,

you might check out
my reel sometime. -Why?

You've produced a ton of music
videos and commercials,

and I figured you'd be
a good person to ask

for, like, career advice.

And a feature.

- Excuse me?
- I also produced a feature.

It got mostly positive reviews.

[STAMMERING]: Yeah. It was great.

That's why I value your opinion.

[SIGHS]

Leave it on my desk.

- Thank you.
- Yes.

WHEELER: I don't know, man, I just...

I have a weird feeling about this lady.

Mm. Did you get a sexual vibe from her?

Not really, I mean, she asked
me a lot of personal questions.

Any physical contact?

- No!
- Hmm.

Eh, she's probably just being friendly.

So you think it's safe

to go to this thing at her
apartment next Tuesday?

It's not, like, a front for
Upper West Side vampires?

No. But that's a pretty
cool idea for a movie.

Mm. Kind of is, yeah.

Hey, did you see the
preview for Lost Boys?

You will love it. It's so f*cking good.

- Oh, really?
- [DOORBELL BUZZES]

- Hello?
- NASH: It's Nash, let me in.

Dude!

- Boychiks!
- WHEELER: Dude!

Oh, you're a sight for sore eyes,

Bring it in.

[LAUGHING]: Oh!

Mwah. Mwah.

You taste of ramen, and disappointment.

[ALL LAUGH]

- WHEELER: Come on in.
- Thank you.

It's quite the friendly
neighborhood you've got here.

In the five minutes it took
for me to walk from my car,

I was offered fellatio and the
opportunity to purchase a horse.

Oh, that means heroin.

Yeah, it gets a little
sketchy after dark.

- [SIREN WAILING IN DISTANCE]
- Hmm.

- [MICROWAVE BEEPS]
- Want to stay for dinner?

- NASH: Absolutely.
- You like Mexican?

- NASH: I think so.
- Great.

[SIGHS]

[NASH EXHALES]

This place is rather cozy.

- Dude, how you been?
- Good, good.

Lost a bit of weight,
mostly in the wrist.

You'll notice how loose
my watch strap is.

- I miss you, man.
- Yeah, I'm sorry we never

made it to Boca to see you this winter.

Oh, that's fine, I actually ended up

cutting my trip rather short.

Why?

It's a long story.

All I'll say is that I had no idea

the young lady was the
daughter of the mayor.

Nor that she was under
the legal drinking age.

- [INHALES SHARPLY] -Oh, sh*t.
- Oh, sh*t is right.

Now, until His Honor completes
his term in office,

I'm afraid I'm persona non grata
in the city of Boca Raton.

It's a pity, too, I
really enjoy it there.

Misty was telling me that you
hired a new assistant pro? -Mm.

Rusty.

DAVID: What's he like?

He's gigantic.

That's not an exaggeration.

He's a half a human taller than you.

And hung like a white rhino.

I accidentally happened upon him
changing in the locker room.

Put me off food for a week.

Which explains the weight loss.

Huh?

So, dude, what are you
doing in the city?

Ah, yes.

Uh, well.

Boychiks, I wish I could say
this is strictly a social call.

But I've come with grave
news and an urgent summons.

Summons?

From who?

NASH: All right, now, whatever you do,

avoid eye contact at all costs.

- Why?
- It's a sign of aggression.

It could get you shanked in the kidneys.

And stay calm.

Convicts can smell fear.

They're like dogs or bees.

[GASPS] Oh.

You got one here.

["TWILIGHT ZONE" BY
GOLDEN EARRING PLAYING]

♪ Yeah, there's a storm on the loose ♪

♪ Sirens in my head ♪

♪ Wrapped up in silence ♪

♪ All circuits are dead ♪

♪ Cannot decode ♪

♪ My whole life spins into a frenzy ♪

♪ Help, I'm steppin'
into the twilight zone ♪

♪ Place is a madhouse,
feels like being cloned ♪

♪ My beacon's been moved
under moon and star ♪

♪ Where am I to go now
that I've gone too far? ♪

♪ Oh-oh ♪

♪ Help, I'm steppin'
into the twilight zone ♪

♪ Place is a madhouse,
feels like being cloned ♪

♪ My beacon's been moved
under moon and star ♪

♪ Where am I to go now
that I've gone too far? ♪

♪ Soon you will come to know ♪

♪ When the b*llet hits the bone ♪

♪ Soon you will come to know ♪

♪ When the b*llet hits the bone ♪

♪ When the b*llet hits the bone ♪

♪ Ah-ah, when the
b*llet hits the bone. ♪