03x03 - A Little Business Proposition

[bunniefuu]

♪ ♪

GETTY: Hey!

- Glad you made it.
- Sure.

Come on over. You know how to play?

What... uh...

GETTY: You'll figure it out.

Walk with me.

I'll just wait here, then?

I'll tell you this
about incarceration...

it clarifies the mind.

Really makes you appreciate
the little things...

salt, pepper...

You know those little
tiny packets of ketchup?

Mm-hmm.

They sell these in the
commissary Tuesdays,

'cause... prison food, it's so bland.

So what I do, I buy up the entire stock

and I sell them out here, at a profit.

You've cornered the
market on condiments?

I recognized an opportunity.

So what's going on with
you? How's life in the city?

- Yeah, it's okay.
- Yeah?

- Yeah, it's good.
- Enjoying it?

Mm-hmm.

You ever run into Skye?

No.

Yeah. Hey, Nash tells me you're, uh...

What, are you directing commercials now?

- Not yet, no, hopefully soon.
- Hmm.

I'm up for a national dog food spot.

- Really?
- Mm-hmm.

Like, uh, like with the chuck wagon

that runs under the sink there?

It's a different brand,
but yeah, yeah-yeah.

So this is... this
is how movie directors

- get their start, huh?
- Some of them, yeah.

Michael Cimino, Alan
Parker, Ridley Scott?

Mm, no idea.

But all right, good
for you. So that's good.

You got yourself a
five-year plan, finally.

(LAUGHS)

- So, why did you want to see me?
- Mm.

- I need your help.
- Doing what?

I got to get a message
to Red Oaks membership.

Huh. Why do you need me for that?

'Cause I need it to be persuasive.

It's like a commercial, right?

So, I'm picturing, like,
footage of the club at its best.

So you get, whatever,
like, in the morning,

first thing in the morning
when there's still mist

on the, on the links

and the sprinklers pop on.

(IMITATES SPRAYING
SOUND) And then you get

some kids frolicking in the pool.

Uh, frolicking?

Yeah, frolicking in the pool, yeah.

And then testimonials.

Just whoever you can get on camera.

And have them talk about
what the club means to them,

and why we shouldn't
sell to the Japanese.

Do you think you can handle that?

Yeah, I-I can put something together.

Okay. How soon?

Well, I have work, let me see.

So, maybe next week?

Fine.

Pay you a hundred bucks.

Okay.

That's it?

You're just going to
accept my opening offer?

Have I taught you nothing?

- Okay, $ .
- (SCOFFS, CHUCKLES)

That's barely bucks a day.

These guys here earn more than
that making license plates.

Come on, for Christ's sake,

you got my balls in a vise. Squeeze!

Hit me with a rush charge.

I'd rather have you owing me a favor.

♪ ♪

Yeah, so you have been paying attention.

Good. Good boy.

- MAN: Yeah.
- Oh!

♪ ♪

SAM: I thought it was stupid
the first time I heard it.

Oh, what's wrong with Samwich?
It has a nice ring to it.

So does tinnitus.

- (SHIRLEY CHUCKLING)
- How about Sam and Cheese?

- That's cute.
- No.

I got it...

Uncle Sam's.

With a ten percent discount to veterans.

SAM: Will you stop it?

Why does it always got
to be a play on my name?

Because you're the culinary maestro.

SAM: And what are you?

I'm the silent partner.

- Not silent enough.
- (OTHERS CHUCKLING)

(LAUGHING)

Well, I should get cleaned up.

I've got a fellowship committee
meeting in a half an hour.

Is there turpentine somewhere?

- Back shelf.
- Which one?

Here, I'll, uh, I'll take you.

This way.

Oh!

- Mmm.
- (CHUCKLING)

- Sam, stop.
- I can't help it.

Ooh, you look so sexy with that roller.

(BOTH LAUGHING)

But my brother is right out there.

- Mm.
- TERRY: Shirl, did you find it?

Uh, yes, yes!

Thank you, Samuel, for
helping me find this.

Now, if you'll excuse me,

I'm gonna go clean up in the lavatory.

(CLEARS THROAT)

Those paint fumes
must be getting to her.

I guess.

Judy, why not get us
started by telling David

why you wanted him
to join us here today?

Sure.

Uh... well...

David... sweetheart, there is

something I need to tell you
and I wanted to do it in a place

where you would feel
free to ask questions

or discuss any feelings
that might come up.

You're doing great, Judy. Go on, go on.

Uh, for the last year or so,

I've been getting, you
know, getting back out there,

going on dates with
other... single... people,

many of them who have been... women.

Um, I shouldn't say many,
'cause it-it's like a handful.

But it's not exclusively,
'cause I've also...

you know, there have been
a few guys mixed in there.

Uh... mm... probably - .

Mm, no, maybe - .

Okay, so the number's not important.

What is important is that I...

This is who I am now.

Your mostly gay mom.

Okay.

Do you have any questions, David?

No.

Then let's talk about
how you're feeling.

No, thank you.

It's okay, David,

- you're in a safe place.
- Mm. No, I'm not.

You don't feel safe here?

Not especially.

Well, how do you feel, David?

- Outnumbered.
- Interesting. Anything else?

To be honest, a little freaked.

That's because you don't
approve of h*m*?

Because I don't approve of those.

They're very comfortable shoes.

- And because this sofa smells.
- Okay,

- David...
- You should know,

that sofa has seen a lot of sharing.

That's what I'm afraid of.

You are no longer a child,

and you need to stop
seeing me as your mother

and start thinking of
me as a sensual being.

No, I don't.

David, don't run away
from your feelings.

I'm not, Mom. Honest.

I'm-I'm cool with you dating
men or women or whoever.

So as long as you're happy,
the fact that you're mostly gay

doesn't freak me out. Okay?

But that does.

I think that went very well.

♪ ♪

DAVID: Why have you been
worrying about Misty?

- Has she been acting different?
- Not really.

So what are you stressing about?

Dude, look at me, I'm
not exactly Val Kilmer.

- Oh, shut up.
- Seriously, though,

in a few weeks is our
one-year anniversary,

and any day now, those
rose-colored glasses

are gonna come off, and
what's Misty gonna see?

A good dude who's funny
and makes her feel special.

What if that's not enough?

Hey, Skip!

- WHEELER: Hey, dude.
- Hey.

What are you two limp dicks doing here?

Making a video for Red Oaks.

Yeah, you want to help?

♪ ♪

Scene three, take two, roll one.

Right.

DAVID: Action.

What is so great about Red Oaks?

Honestly, nothing.

There's a ton of better
courses out there.

I mean, just around
here, you got Foxglenn,

you got Windybush,

you got Bushwood.

- I mean, those are all better course...
- Cut.

What?

That was really good, it's just we want

to hear some good stuff about Red Oaks.

Some positive stuff, you know?

WHEELER: Scene three,

take , roll one.

Do you remember where you were
the day that Kennedy was sh*t?

I was right here, helping my Uncle Dal

retrieve golf balls
from the water traps.

I was six years old, small for my age,

easy to boost over a cyclone fence.

- Cut.
- I mean...

DAVID: Well, maybe start with

your favorite memories of Red Oaks.

But I've only been
working here for six weeks.

Oh. Okay, well, uh, just
your impressions of the club.

Uh, I guess it's been a pretty
cool place to work, um...

Staff kegger was radical.

I got a hand job from the girl
who works in the snack bar.

Nice.

What's that little red light mean?

DAVID: It means I'm rolling.

Oh. Okay.

DAVID: So, do you have a message

to your fellow members about Red Oaks?

Uh, yeah.

Sell it.

Red Oaks will always be
a special place for me.

It was here that I met my future bride.

Your ex-lady.

But that doesn't mean
I'm against change.

That'd be pointless,
like fighting the wind.

Japanese people have a
concept called Wabi-sabi,

about the acceptance of change
and the impermanence of life.

Not to be confused with wasabi,

the sushi condiment that
if you eat too much of it,

your brain could melt.

(BUTTON CLICKS)

- Hey.
- Hey.

What are you still doing here?

Altering leather,

the bane of my existence.

What about you?

I'm working on a freelance
video I got roped into doing.

- Is that the country club?
- Yeah.

What?

I'm trying to imagine
you as a tennis pro.

Assistant pro.

Do you have to wear
a cute little uniform?

It's just tennis whites,
but the shirt was embroidered

with a Red Oaks insignia.

I'll pay you ten bucks if
you wear it to work tomorrow.

(LAUGHS) No way.

$ if you wear the shorts, too.

It's never gonna happen.

You're no fun.

Hey, show me more.

Get out of here, go have a life.

No, I'm serious, I've
always been curious

about what goes on in
the wilds of New Jersey.

(SIGHS) Pull up a chair.

(KNOCKS ON DOOR)

(CLASSICAL MUSIC PLAYING)

Wheeler, so glad you made it.

- Oh, please, come in.
- Okay.

Um, I-I didn't really
know what to bring, so...

Oh, uh... so thoughtful, thank you.

Um, here, come this
way. Meet my husband.

- Oh.
- (CLEARS THROAT)

You must be Wheeler. (LAUGHING)

Cecil Fox.

Bee's told me so much about you.

Uh, who's Bee?

Cecil's little pet name for me.

Because she's my queen
and packs a wicked sting.

- Cecil, please.
- Um, I'm sorry, am I early?

Oh, not at all.

Uh, why don't you get something
to drink for Mr. Wheeler?

Oh, of course, my pet.

I'm sure the others
will be here any moment.

(GLASSWARE CLANKING)

That's quite an impressive
head of hair you have there.

Well, you should have seen me as a baby.

I was like a little ham with an Afro.

CECIL: Red or white?

- Excuse me?
- Wine?

Oh, no, water's fine.

A teetotaler.

I don't know, maybe. Uh...

- No, I don't think so.
- Recovering alcoholic?

No, I just like water.

Uh, no need to explain.

Your body is your temple.

- Well, mine's more like a Jiffy Lube.
- (LAUGHS)

I can tell we're going
to get along swimmingly.

Cool.

GETTY (OVER TV): Hello, I'm Doug Getty.

- Many of you know me...
- DAVID: Holy sh*t.

- Where'd you find those?
- Mini fridge in wardrobe.

- It's our secret stash.
- Nice.

- Any sesame chicken left?
- Mm-hmm.

So, uh, what's Noah up to tonight?

Work dinner.

Mm. Sounds fun.

Not really.

He hates them. Says the
last thing he wants to do

is socialize with a bunch of lawyers.

But he is a lawyer.

Who secretly wishes
he was a track coach.

How'd you guys meet?

Track team.

High school sweethearts?

That's so wholesome.

- Don't make fun.
- I'm joking.

Who's that?

DAVID: Getty.

Wait, your ex's father?

The guy in jail?

- The one and only.
- (BUTTON CLICKS)

- Is the hair okay?
- DAVID (OVER TV): Yeah, it looks fine.

Look... (SNIFFLES)

- Talk right in?
- DAVID (OVER TV): Yeah.

(CLEARS THROAT) You sure?

Just make sure I don't look jowly.

That's what f*cked Nixon.

ANNABELLE (CHUCKLES):
He doesn't look so scary.

Hey.

You okay?

GETTY: I'm Doug Getty.

- Oh, yeah.
- Many of you know me...

- I'm just thinking.
- (BUTTON CLICKS)

What about?

Think Derek's ever gonna watch my reel?

It's been sitting on
his desk for two weeks.

- Not anymore.
- What?

- He took it home.
- How do you know?

Because when I was in
his office earlier today,

I snuck it into his backpack.

You're amazing.

I know. (LAUGHS)

Thank you.

These pistachios are phenomenal.

- Are you religious?
- Uh, not that it matters,

of course, we're just curious.

Uh, half-Jewish.

CECIL: Which half?

From the waist down?

(CECIL LAUGHS)

- That's funny.
- He's funny.

I told you.

Is it weird that no
one else is here yet?

Well, I'm afraid Bee and I

haven't been entirely
forthright with you.

No one else is coming, Wheeler.

CECIL: It's just you.

I don't understand. Why me?

CECIL: Because we want to
talk to you about something.

FOX: A little project

we're hoping you might help us with.

- Business venture, you might say.
- Not "business."

Oh, sorry. Poor word choice.

Continue.

CECIL: The long and
the short of it is this.

Bee and I very much
want to have a child,

but we can't because, well...

Cecil is sterile.

It's true.

My sperm just aren't up to the task.

Which is why we need yours.

What?

We'll pay you, of course.

We were thinking a hundred dollars.

- $ .
- $ .

- Per sample.
- CECIL: Yeah, plus, a thousand dollar bonus

once Bee's pregnant.

FOX: It's really quite
a simple procedure.

Essentially, you use a
sort of turkey baster.

Okay, I-I should go,
I've got so much homework.

No, please, Wheeler,
Cecil and I are desperate.

You'd make an excellent donor.

You're clearly intelligent.

We've looked up your Cornell transcript

and your GPA is most impressive.

Of course, in a perfect world,
you'd be six inches taller,

- perhaps a little less husky.
- Well, but that aside,

don't do dr*gs.

FOX: Aren't technically
a Columbia student,

so there's no ethical issues.

Don't run in our social circles.

Okay, uh, I don't know.

I-I just...

- Don't answer yet.
- I-I really... I'm sorry.

I'm sorry, I'm so sorry.

I just, I have to go.

CECIL: Think it over, you know?

Take your time.

But not too long, because
I ovulate next week.

Well, I think we really
planted a seed today.

(DOOR CLOSES)

People always think sake
should be served warm.

But connoisseurs know

the primo stuff is best
enjoyed slightly chilled.

Kanpai, gentlemen.

Kanpai.

Cheers, whatever.

NASH: Dear Lord, Skip,

get a hold of yourself.
It's not Brass Monkey.

BARRY: Nasser-San is right.

This is a civilized beverage.

You need to treat it tenderly.

Like a tit.

Mmm.

Fun fact.

Sake is often referred to as rice wine.

But botanically speaking, it's a beer.

It tastes like a flooded basement.

Maybe to the unrefined
palate of a round-eye.

How come you know so
much about Japan anyway?

Because the Land of the Rising Sun

has always been my spiritual home.

I'm convinced that in a past life,

I was a shogun.

Or maybe even a concubine.

It's something I've always felt,

deep in my chi.

Even though that's a Chinese concept.

We're wasting our time, Nash.

There is no way that Getty is gonna let

the Japanese buy Red Oaks.

Pray you're right, but
I'm not taking any chances.

I can't afford to be
replaced by a Japanese pro.

If it means learning their
ways, then kanpai it is.

Well, we got a shitload
to learn, shinshi.

So let's get started.

Now, first lesson... bowing.

("JAPANESE BOY" BY ANEKA PLAYING)

♪ Ah... ♪

♪ He said that he loved me ♪

♪ He never would go, oh, oh ♪

♪ Oh, oh ♪

♪ Now I find I'm sitting
here on my own, oh, oh ♪

♪ Oh, oh ♪

♪ Could it be another he's found? ♪

♪ It's breaking up the happy home ♪

♪ Mister, can you tell me
where my love has gone? ♪

♪ He's a Japanese boy. ♪

Oh.

(DOOR CLOSES)

Boyfriend stand you up?

Yeah, I don't know what's keeping him.

He was supposed to be
here minutes ago.

You want a slice while you wait?

Sure. Why not?

Is this guy gonna mind us
eating pizza on his car?

Oh, why don't you ask him?

Seriously? This is yours?

It's a birthday present
to myself when I turned .

(CHUCKLES)

Is that pineapple?

Uh, and ham. It's, uh, it's Hawaiian.

Um, I'll admit, it's a
bit of an acquired taste.

How did you acquire it?

When I was stationed in Honolulu.

Oh. Were you in the Army?

Air Force. It's how I
paid for dental school.

Ever jump out of a plane?

A few times.

What was it like?

Terrifying. It's...

- (BOTH LAUGH)
- No, it... You're hurtling

at the Earth over a
hundred miles an hour.

- It's...
- (BOTH LAUGH)

I thought you liked going fast.

Well, not by myself.

(LAUGHTER)

Sorry, sorry, sorry.
I couldn't help myself.

That's so bad.

That's okay. I totally
set you up for that.

Mm.

Hey, what are you doing on the th?

I don't know. Why?

I have to go to this conference.

I'm presenting a paper
on oral neoplasia.

And I'm kind of nervous. I
don't love public speaking.

So, uh, might be nice to have
a friendly face in the audience.

Uh...

And it, it'd be good for you, too.

You know, you could
meet, uh, other dentists

who might be hiring, you know,

network, get some free
swag from all the vendors.

Um, yeah, it sounds interesting.

I...

The office will pay for your hotel room.

And all your meals.

Whole weekend won't cost you a dime.

- Yeah, sure. Wow.
- Yeah?

- Thank you.
- Okay.

(HORN HONKING, ENGINE SPUTTERING)

Looks like this guy's
having car trouble.

Uh...

Hey, I'm so sorry I'm late!

Traffic on the GW was heinous!

That's actually my ride.

Thank you, Dr. Ron, um...

Good night.

Night.

You didn't tell me you
worked with a male hygienist.

I don't.

Then, who's that dude?

That's Dr. Ron.

That's Dr. Ron?

But he's not even old.

Never said he was.

And super handsome.

I know.

All the girls in the
office have a crush on him.

(ENGINE STARTS, RADIO BEGINS PLAYING)

(EXHALES)

♪ ♪

All right.

Uh, Rocky?

(IMITATING ROCKY): Hey, Adrian!

- Adrian!
- (LAUGHTER)

Yeah, f*ck it, let's watch it.

By the way, did I tell
you I saw Misty's Dr. Ron?

No, what's he like?

Super handsome.

Like a chopper pilot or a weatherman.

(INTERCOM BUZZING)

Hello?

JUDY: Sweetie, it's Mom, let us in!

(BUZZES)

(SOFT LAUGHTER)

Oh, hi!

Hi, my baby boy.

Mom, what the hell are you doing here?

We were in the
neighborhood and had to pee.

- Hi, I'm Wheeler.
- (JUDY EXCLAIMS)

Where are my-my manners?

This is my friend Carol.

Bathroom?

(CAROL RETCHING)

Mom, you can't drive home like this.

Like what? I'm fine.

I just need to sit down for a minute.

♪ Is that the telephone ringing ♪

♪ Or just the radio? ♪

Okay.

(GROANS)

♪ No one up, nowhere to go ♪

♪ I can't sleep at night, can you? ♪

♪ Do you think most folks feel like you? ♪

Mm.

Oh, thank you.

I have to go to work.

I want this place picked
up by the time I get home.

Oh, my...

(SIGHS)

- Hey, Derek.
- Oh. Thai chicken salad.

- What?
- My lunch order?

That is why you're bothering me, right?

Actually, no, I was
wondering if you had time

to check out my reel yet.

Why is that so important to you?

Because I value your opinion.

No, you don't. Don't jerk me off, okay?

Now, I'm very busy, so why
not save us both some time?

Tell me what the f*ck you really want.

I want to direct the
Lucky Chow commercial.

I know you haven't found anyone,

and I think I could do a good job.

Also, you wouldn't have to pay me.

Hmm.

No.

But I think if you just
check out my reel...

- I watched it.
- Oh, great.

- Uh, wh-what do you think?
- It sucks. I fell asleep.

But a guy at Channel watched
it and he said I had a good eye.

Okay, well, he was just being nice.

Which in this business isn't,
because it gives false hope.

I'm giving you the truth.

Odds of becoming a
director? One in a thousand.

Probably higher. Which means,

there isn't a person in this room

who is ever gonna call "action."

That's not mean, that is just math.

("DON'T GIVE UP" BY PETER
GABRIEL AND KATE BUSH PLAYING)

Are you okay?

GABRIEL: ♪ In this proud
land, we grew up strong ♪

♪ We were wanted all along ♪

♪ I was taught to fight, taught to win ♪

♪ I never thought I could fail ♪

♪ No fight left or so it seems ♪

♪ I am a man whose
dreams have all deserted ♪

♪ I've changed my face ♪

♪ I've changed my name ♪

♪ But no one wants you when you lose ♪

BUSH: ♪ Don't give up ♪

♪ 'Cause you have friends ♪

♪ Don't give up ♪

♪ You're not the only one ♪

♪ Don't give up ♪

♪ You know it's never been easy ♪

♪ Don't give up ♪

♪ 'Cause I believe there's a place ♪

♪ There's a place where we belong. ♪